The Joker Report

Pass the Lucky Charms, It's Bowl Time

All right ladies and gents, sorry to take so long to get back to y'all.  Business was busy there for a bit, and I was in the middle of a move, and neither is conducive to yucking it up on the ol' blog, now is it?  But alas, I am here, and I shall talk of things almost forgotten over the week.

For one, congratulations to Mark Ingram on winning the Heisman.  We all know he had a rough childhood (who hasn't), we all know his dad is in jail or on the way or whatever the hell it is, when the most important thing we need to take from this is that his dad is an awesome option in the passing attack of Tecmo Super Bowl NY Giants team, along with Stephen Baker and big daddy Mark Bavaro at tight end, not to mention the formidable rushing attack of Anderson and Meggett.  On the flip side you had the ORIGINAL LT running over tackles and guards, which was always fun.  If I haven't already put it out there, I will play anyone anywhere in TSB.  If it's downloadable on PS3 (JokerEyez5 - friend me) or XBox360 (JoKeRsCrUe - friend me), then let me know and I'll throw down.  If it's even possible, beating me when I play with the 49ers will instantly vault you to Tecmo Legend, and I'll post your glorious victory on my own blog.

Now granted, I've been beaten---but never twice in a row, or twice in the same day for that matter. Even AUoptimo, a loyal reader, has beaten me.  But it happens about as much as AUJclayton edits down his articles, IF you know what I mean, AAAAND I think ya do.  Plus, let's just be honest, you won't beat me when I have Montana (AND Young), Roger Craig, Rathman, Rice, Taylor, Brent Jones, Carter, Haley, Ronnie MF Lott...and of course my secret weapon, which I can not divulge.

Okay, so maybe that's not THE most important thing about Mark winning the Heisman---we all know THE important thing is now Auburn fans have nothing left to hold over our heads.  We'd say 12 national championships, they'd say 2 Heismans.  So now you can tell them we're 1 away from tying them in Heismans, and come January 7th, they MIGHT be 12.5 championships away from tying us.  Oh, and if they complain about us "stealing" titles back in the day, ask them what they're gonna do about it.  Exactly.  You know my motto by now---deal with it.

Anyone else having fun watching Gamecock fans squirm about John Fulton 50/50 with UA and USCe and Marcus Lattimore 50/50 with AU and USCe?  They'll defend those guys committing to the Cocks with the hardcore swoll, even though...well, I guess we'll see.

What else do we have?  Brian "there's something about him I don't trust" Kelly appointed the new Notre Dame coach, coaches and recruits leaving Knoxville as if there's an imminent gaseous explosion, Florida State and Auburn getting top notch commitments left and right, and...something about one of the top golfers?  Something along the lines of having a dime piece wife and not being satisfied enough with her?  Anyone?  Eh, maybe you'll hear about it soon.

Sooo...can we finally have some more college football?  Thankfully, the answer is yes.  Downside is we have to wait a bit for the good teams to play, but we shouldn't be greedy.  Take what you can get, folks, cuz it'll soon be gone for a loooong time.  And then the cold dark winter will invade your souls, and one or two of you with weak minds might even kill yourself.  Especially up in the Northwest where it just rains and snows and forces you to hate life.  Hey, just playing the odds.

First up, the New Mexico Bowl.  Sweeeet Caroline, what a venue!  Well, I will say Albuquerque is a cool place, very beautiful, and my grandparents taught me how to spell it since I was a tot, considering they lived there for so long.  Did your grandma pimp a jet black 70's Lincoln Continental with white leather?  Didn't think so.  Did she pump the brakes as much as mine?  Probably.  Good God it's like every three seconds she saw a phantom squirrel run in front of the car.

Anywho, Fresno State i.e. Ryan Matthews vs Wyoming i.e. nobody you've ever heard of.  At least we'll see one of the nations top backs running wild in this first game.  If you caught him in the Boise State game earlier in the year, you'll definitely be tuning in again.  He breaks off 70 yarders like me playing you in TSB.  Ohhhhh snap, full circle on your ass once again.

Next up, the St. Petersburg Bowl.  The Russians settled that city, apparently.  UCF, while boring, plays legit defense.  George "this is your resume? O'Reeeeally?!" can rally his troops quite well, holding Texas to 35 points...yet only scoring 3.  Will his offense hold up against Schiano's Rutgers?  You never know which Scarlet Knights team is going to show up, so bid carefully if you're in my pick 'em league.  The Golden Knights also...waaait a minute, they're both knights!  This is officially the Jousting Bowl---Golden vs Scarlet.  Gold means armor, Scarlet means blood.  Nuff said.  Btw I was going to say the Golden Knights also have a helluva home crowd edge here.

And Sunday we have the New Orleans Bowl, where the food is fantastic and the diseases run rampant.  Ahh I'm just kidding, I've never been.  Partially because of what I just said, but that's just Joker hearsay.  Southern Miss vs Middle Tennessee State.

Who. The. Fuck. Cares.

Monday we're off and then by Tuesday we'll all know at least one of the players on the teams playing from now on.  Woot!  Hopefully I'll get back into my writing groove by then, but no promises.  Get in the league, bitches!  Until then.

Mmm...Bowls.

Keep coming back to jump in Jessica's bed until I post the new article updating all kinds of shit.

Oh, and go sign up for the Bowl Pick 'Em!  Last day to join if you still want 100% of the field.

Bowl Games, Awards, and the Heisman...oh my!

Does this girl look old enough to admire?  Well, considering my eyes can't fondle her (legally speaking, that is), then we'll assume she's at least 18.  And if she's not, then I should probably never go to a Friday night movie, any fun park, or any high school athletic event, because I WILL be "that guy" who will talk your ear off about "if they made 'em like that back in my day, I'd...", followed by a huge lie about my presumed sexual prowess.  Then I'd probably get some smirks and pointy fingers from the parents, and an eventual dismissal from the premises.  Hmm, I speak so vividly about it, it's like I've already had this experience before!  I kid, I kid.  But I won't rule it out for my future.  Hey, don't blame me, just make uglier kids.  You know, like up north.

Okay first I want to give a big shout out to the facebook statuses of some of my "friends".  Do you HONESTLY believe we give a flying dragon fuck if you're bored and undecided on what to eat?  Fuck you.  Seriously, fuck you.  I loathe you more than commercials with fake typing noises.  Ugggghhhh.  

Oy.  Okay okay, note to self---don't look back in anger.  Oh, and note to my readers---don't click that link unless you want some insanely real flashbacks of your high school youth, when all you had to do was pass an easy algebra class before sitting in a dead end street with your buds killing a case of beast, making out with a pretty freshman, wondering who keeps Bogarting the bottle of disgusting Southern Comfort, which in retrospect will only lead you to believe you can stop Coop's car with your own feet as if it's Fred Flintstone's car, waking up to a brand new Timberland boot with no sole on it.  How I didn't break my ankle going 45 mph sliding on my feet, I'll never know.  Strong soccer ankles is my hunch.  And soooooo Sally can wait...

So it's official, the BCS National Championship will be #1Alabama vs. #2 Texas.  I will save my thoughts and opinions on this'n until it's time to TCB. 

Orange Bowl - Iowa vs Georgia Tech - At first glance this doesn't look like such a fun game, but when you step back and think about it, this should be a good one.  Iowa is a no-name lunchpail every-cliche-in-the-book-for-blue-collar-workers kind of team, with fans that travel well.  Tech are a bunch of nerds that run the option down your throat until you beg for mercy.  That sounded quite pornish, did it not?  I'll take Silvia Saint for $800, Alex.

Fiesta Bowl - TCU vs Boise State.  I mean, I guess this is a good matchup, but it's like sitting at the kids table for Thanksgiving.  This completely destroys the point of seeing if either team is worthy of sitting in a big boy chair---or hell, even at the head of the table.  All their work this year, and we still won't have an answer.  They fucking play each other, brilliant.

Sugar Bowl - Florida vs Cincinnati.  Well, if you read this retardedly ignorant article, you'd see how the West Coast views the SEC.  Seriously, "Cincinnati wins easily"?  Does this guy have a meth lab?  Dude, watch Scarface---rule #1, don't get high on your own supply.  You fucking fool, Florida ran into a swarm of elephants.  Had they not, they'd clean sweep everybody to yet another title.  On top of Cincy's head coach taking the Notre Dame job (bet), there is no way they'll be focused, much less prepared for a top flight SEC team.  That returned the entire two-deep on defense from last year's CHAMPIONSHIP TEAM led by a HEISMAN TROPHY WINNER who holds the SEC RECORD FOR TOUCHDOWNS.  You should rename that paper to the Huffingpaint Post. 

Rose Bowl - Ohio State vs Oregon.  The greasy greasy granddaddy of 'em all.  I just hope Oregon pounds OSU into submission because the Buckeyes bore the shit out of me and I'm tired of pretty much every Big Ten team.  Including Michigan, until Dick Rod learns to play defense.  Y'all used to be a unanimous second-best conference to the SEC back in the day, hell even better than us sometimes, and now boring ass OSU and Iowa are your torchbearers?  Yikes.

That's it for the BCS matchups.  I may or may not write about the other games, although I could start to get excited once they start up around the 19th.  I do know our Bowl Pick 'Em will be fun, with a now highly-skilled group of 23 of my readers competing to knock my cocky ass down a few pegs.  There's still room for more, so get crackin.  Too lazy to link it again, so go find it if you're interested.

- AP ALL-SEC AWARDS -

Click here to see the whole list.

BAMA First Team - Mike Johnson, Mark Ingram unanimous (Ben Tate, you listening?), Leigh Tiffin, Terrence Cody unanimous, Rolando McClain unanimous, Javier Arenas (defense), Mark Barron.

BAMA Second Team - James Carpenter, Colin Peek, Javier Arenas (special teams).

If that's not enough...

SEC Offensive Player of the Year - Mark Ingram

SEC Defensive Player of the Year - Rolando McClain

(Edit - He has now won the Butkus Award (LB of Year) as well)

SEC Coach of the Year - Nick Saban

Clizean swizeep, my nephews.

- HEISMAN WATCH -

So this site called StiffArmTrophy.com has supposedly been correct predicting the previous SEVEN Heisman winners before they were announced.  As of my writing this, with 121 ballots and 326 votes accounted for, the results look like this:

Gerhart, Suh, Ingram, McCoy, Tebow

The first three are in a ridiculous battle, so it's too early to call any of them the victor, so keep visiting that site and see how different the results can be.  So far they have the results correct, considering those are the only five invited to the ceremony.  CJ Spiller And Casey Keenum should probably find a comfy robe and some house slippers, though.

That's it for now, my eyes are tired and I need to stop drinking so much caffeine.  I'm out this bitch; be back later in the week.  Maybe.  Here, I'll leave you with a glance at what it's really like to be Justin Timberlake:

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