The Joker Report

Joker's Way-Too-Early 2009 Crimson Tide Depth Chart - QB/RB/WR

Wow Joker, who's that girl?  No idea, broseph.  I googled "hot chick", and her picture was first.  Sooo go do your own research.

Hello again, my friends.  Today, July 8^th 2009, I will attempt to assign September 5^th 2009’s starting lineup for the Alabama Crimson Tide.  But before I even start, let us all think about how difficult trying something like this is with such a fluid situation…I’m not going to be 100% correct, but you all owe me $20 if I actually do get it correct.  Man, how cool would that be?  I’d get like…60 bucks!

Quarterback – Greg McElroy.

I think I got this.  This guy will surprise not only our opposition and their idiot fans, but some of our idiot fans as well.  I like all the arguments against him, with no starts, little experience, a “weak” OL to throw behind, ad freakin’ nauseum.  But there is one advantage Greg has over John Parker Wilson---he can actually throw the ball.  Seriously.  No, seriously, I saw him.

Backups – Gotta go with Star Jackson as the next in line, but only for his mobility, which isn’t Vick-like whatsoever anyway.  But once A.J. McCarron comes to town, he’ll be pushing for #2 asap.  Tall, skinny, and red---just like Brodie Croyle---and just how I like my QBs.  Thomas Darrah, BOL’s prodigal son, will remain on the bench with an arm waiting just in case we lose 3 QBs to another textbook scandal.

Running Back – Quick, what’s cool about having ties in the state of Michigan?  Mark Ingram, that's what.  Now, before I explain, keep in mind this is Lord Saban’s castle.  And he likes his knights as a tandem force.  Don’t know why I just went medieval on you, but it happens (especially when I drink), so stay with me here.  As good as we all know Mark is, he’s just one aspect, just one type of ball carrier Coach can use against opposing teams.  Punisher up the middle with a good burst.  That’s good enough to be the starter against Virginia Tech.

Backups – Probably my favorite offensive player, Roy Upchurch, will hopefully be completely healed from whatever back/neck injury he had last year.  Something about “needing time to let the bones heal”; that’s all I frickin heard last year.  I hope #5 can return to the form I know he’s capable of, and throw down.  Great out of the backfield, great speed, good blocker, and if he keeps his head straight, nothing but good things will happen.

Hooooweverrrrr.  There’s a guy coming in…um, highly touted…remember that guy?  Yeah, Trent Richardson.  Sculpted from granite, faster than a speeding locomotive, runs sand dunes for fun…you know, the old school Greek Olympian type.  Don’t for a second believe he can’t make an immediate impact as a freshman.  By midseason he could be the starter.  He’s that good.  Kinda makes you wonder where Terry Grant is going to fit in.  Well, in my personal opinion, Terry Grant is not a football player, he’s a track star.  If he has enough room to get up to 75% speed, his cleats become roller skates, and he can’t cut to save his life.  Weak ankles, doesn’t squat low enough, doesn’t have the agility, breaks few tackles…whatever the case, I don’t see him having a big impact other than trick plays in space or for Saban to throw him in as another decent non-fumbler to let the starters breathe.

Man, we’re still not finished at tailback.  We have some depth with Ivan Matchett , Jermaine Preyear, and Demetrius Goode;  and to move the chains and play “fullback” in Saban’s system will be Jeramie Griffin and Baron Huber, two big guys who just deserve to get the ball once in a while.  It’s kinda fun watching big Jeramie rumble through four guys.

What about two more incoming freshmen Eddie Lacy and Mike Marrow?  Well Marrow is 6’2, 240, you tell me.  As for Lacy, he’ll be more young depth unless he shows out in practice.  Saban will let freshmen play if they’re good enough, as we’ve seen, so I’m not moving him to the pine until I see for myself.

Wide Receiver – Other teams’ fans know the answer to this.  And that answer is Julio Jones.  Freakbeast.  Beastfreak.   Julio is the guy who told Wayne and Garth to headbang during the fast part of Bohemian Rhapsody.  Julio is the guy who pushed that grape-stomping news reporter over so we could all laugh at her gut-wrenching pain.  Julio is the guy who dunked on Lebron James first---THEN told Jordan Crawford how to do it.  Julio taught Andre 3000 the meaning of “ice cold”.  Michael Jackson didn’t take too many pain pills---he was confronted by Julio, and immediately went into cardiac arrest, as he knew he was not the best entertainer on earth anymore.  Yeah.

Yeah.

So the big question (well, one of ‘em) this offseason is who will be Julio’s counterpart?  Will it be Earl Alexander?  No.  Will Earl make plays in practice and force us all to believe he’ll be the clear cut #2?  Yes.  But it’s my belief that Mike McCoy will shake off his former demons always in his ear (D.J. Hall and Keith Brown), and realize that maybe that rich guy coaching him, with ties to the NFL, is a safer bet than two young brothers who like to toke.  To quote the Youngbloodz track, “Hey wuh wuh wuh…wut dat malt licka do to ya?”

I think the obvious choice at slot is Marquis Maze, the Santana Moss-like guy who just needs more experience and confidence.  Out of the rest of the veterans, Darius Hanks is due for a spectacular catch once every few games, and Brandon Gibson will do whatever it is he does.  As you can clearly see, behind Julio is a vast expanse of damn near nothingness.

Enter Michael Bowman.  He’s like Freakbeast Jr.  On July 4^th he arrived in T-town for school and to take part in summer workouts.  As if his 6’5, 220 lb frame hasn’t been working out already.  Are you shitting me here?  So Julio is at LEAST 6’4, 210, and Bowman himself said he’s 6’5, 220?  Ha ha.  Yeah, good luck guarding that.  With the um…how should I say it…”weakening” veteran talent, Bowman has a good shot at getting into the starting lineup against VT, especially since he’s already at school.  Let’s just hope he holds a grudge against all the attention his older brother Adarius is getting at Okie State, and wants to make his own name.

Abee abee abee that’s not all folks.  According to bamaonline.com, Kendall Kelly is a “strong possibility for a grayshirt”, which leaves Kevin Norwood and Kenny Bell to also showcase what they have.  And you better not blink when you try to cover KB, that’s all I’m saying.  Coach Saban is getting some burners in his classes, something we haven’t seen in a long, long time.

In case it hasn’t dawned on you, we finally have OPTIONS.  We finally have DEPTH.  QUALITY depth in the form of young, athletic kids who all know they can earn something special if they work for it.  That’s some serious shit right there.  Marinate on that for a minute.  Well, for a day or two until I post my depth chart for the big boys, the TEs and OL.  Stay tuned.

And in This Corner...

Did I tell you Mila Kunis was hot, or what?  If you haven't seen Forgetting Sarah Marshall yet, she's half the reason you should.  Shout out to Clay for enjoying this particular specimen, too, as noted below.

Disclaimer - Pay attention fuckwads.  I will put this atop every guest writer's article in the hopes that you will truly understand that what is being said in the following article are NOT my words, even though some may end up being true. So if you have a problem with anything being said or any grammatical mistakes or spelling errors, direct it toward him/her, not me, or I will bring the Joker wrath.  And you and I both know you don't want that.  And if you do, as Hank the Dwarf so eloquently quipped..."Your mutha."

    

     I would like to send out a big 'Ello' to all of those Joker Report fans and readers out there. Like many of you, I have been an avid reader of the Joker's work. Unlike many of you, I am an Auburn fan....just to get the proverbial "cat" out of the bag.....ha. As much as I appreciate and enjoy both the Joker's work on football related matters and random, but sometimes lustful commentary (with a quick shout out to Mila Kunis, who has shot up my list as of late), I am not here to offer the same brand of interpretation of information. To the contrary, I am here to offer another perspective on all things football, with a focus on the college game. Sometimes this perspective will differ starkly from my esteemed colleague, and sometimes it will fall in line. Point being, I am here to spice it up, and the first bit of spice that I have to add will be a hint of paprika....j/k....the first bit will come in the realm of recruiting.

 

Make no mistake, the uncompromising boosting of all that Alabama will no doubt only increase as will the unwavering salvos of ammunition fired across the state towards the Plains. Be that as it may, I am not an Alabama hater, I am an Auburn fan. That is a differentiation that needs to be made. I am also a huge fan of the Southeastern Conference, and while I have some dislike for some teams within it, and some coaches, my loyalties generally stay here in the South. And, yes, that includes favorable feedback about Alabama football, as soon as they actually do something that merits some of that feedback. There is plenty of news about the recruiting in T-town and, as usual, there is plenty of news about the latest problems with the NCAA. I will leave it there for now.

 

Alabama, LSU, Florida, and USC have set a new precedent in terms of recruiting. Particularly in the early phases. The whole recruiting game has been changed since the moment that Nick Saban arrived on campus in Tuscaloosa. For me, that is a disturbing yet irrefutable fact. The numbers over the last few years back this up. The situation was about to become dire for Auburn's football recruiting, in particular, as we share a state. But then, amidst the usual controversy, Tubs was fired and Chizik was hired. There was no shortage of criticism for either part of this move and the Auburn nation trembled as the thought of a further backslide settled in. But then, Chizik made some great hires on staff. Including but not limited to the addition of Gus Malzahn, Curtis Luper, Tommy Thigpen, and Ted Roof. This, along with a revitalized spirit around the campus and a general buzz about the football program has put many Auburn fans in a position that they did not expect to find themselves in. Instead of the negative feedback that the AU nation experienced leading up to last season and continuing throughout, instead there is positive feedback. As previously mentioned, the campus is buzzing as are the recruiting trails and Auburn fans find themselves hopeful, and feeling good about the way things are going. A welcome sensation, I am sure, for what became a beleaguered fan base last season.

 

The rest of the SEC will have to adapt as well. Florida had already established success on the field and in recruiting, and LSU with Les Miles has done equally as well. Tennessee has their formula for recruiting....I will hold my keystrokes....and they used to have a formula for winning. That one seems to be MIA, and it remains to be seen if everyone's 'not-so-favorite' coach, Mr. Lane Kiffin, can do anything to change that developing trend. Really rootin' for ya' buddy.....yeah right. One more media blurb from 'Lame Kitten' and, "POW, right in the kisser!" Who hasn't had enough of that guy.....ALREADY. Lord. Play one game before you start the yapping, please.

 

Ole Miss and Arkansas, I believe, are back on the rise in recruiting and on the field. I can't help but feel like South Carolina has to eventually have some success. Miss. St., just hang in there. Something is bound to happen for you, that is, besides beating Auburn or Alabama (which has clearly been the biggest thing to happen for the bulldogs in many years). There are many, as of yet, unmentioned teams from our wonderful conference, but the idea stays the same. Recruiting will never be the same. Not just in the SEC, but nationwide.

 

While Alabama is having another great summer in recruiting, and is still leading the state with their in-state recruiting, I believe the real story comes out of Auburn. Where a new, and 'questionable' coach is changing his school's and his fan base's concept of recruiting. A school that has never subscribed to the theory that if you get the best athletes, you have the best team. Auburn, in years past, has instead opted for a different approach. One that involved recruiting a few high profile recruits, and getting a majority of 2 and 3 star recruits and coaching them up to higher levels. This strategy did pay some dividends in years past, but none of Auburn's past success came without a Bo Jackson, a Pat Sullivan, a Cadillac, a Ronnie Brown, a Stephen Davis, a Carlos Rogers, etc., etc.....

 

Point being that it is hard to compete at the high level that SEC competition demands without some studs and it appears that the new staff at Auburn fully understands this. Again, Alabama is still winning the in-state battle getting commitments from players such as DeMarcus Milliner (#1 player in state), and Jarrick Williams (#2 player in the state) amongst others, but Auburn has been anything but lax already landing the state's top WR in Jeremy Richardson, (#6 player in state), and the state's top Outside LB Jawara White (#9 player in state), amongst others. The game is on, and it sure will be fun to watch! Limos, Big Cats, and more promise to make discussing Auburn's approach to recruiting an interesting discussion.

 

My next installment will be focused on Auburn's 2010 recruiting class. I will then move on to some other SEC teams and their recruiting, depending on if the Joker is willing to play along. Until then, my fellow football enthusiasts, try to make yourself useful and give us some feedback. And I'm out.

 

-J. Clayton Bailey, Jr.

 

    

So...Who Missed Me?!

What's up, kids?  I thought for sure I'd be done with this site after last season.  Not because Utah blasted us; and not because that TT guy down in Florida won another championship; but because it takes a lot of effort to run a website, post relatable content, stay up to date, run a real life business on top of this, and realize I'm not getting paid a damn dime for any of my hustle---kinda like the hooker with the lazy eye and limp.

But for those of you who know me, you know I can only ignore football for so long, and I can only keep my mouth shut for so long.  The easiest way to purge my opinion to a group of fellow football fans is to go ahead and keep this blog rolling...and even if you don't like what I have to say, I know for a fact you like the scenery I provide, so it's a win-win situation for both of us, hombre.

So I also started thinking...which girl should represent this site?  Should Kate Beckinsale still carry the Joker Flag?  It's 2009 after all, and she has dominated this decade as Tawny Kitaen did in my 80s and Aaliyah did for my 90s.  So who's the 2010+ woman, and should she start now?  And no, it won't be Megan Fox, so don't even think it.

Last time I thought about it, my Top 5 was Becks, Sophia Bush, Lauren London, Mila Kunis, and Lauren Conrad.  Yes, LC...I don't know why you fucktards think Audrina Patridge is hot.  Oh yes I do, the size of her mammaries finally rivals the size of her teeth.

I also like Rachel McAdams, Sienna Miller, Julie Bowen, Elisha Cuthbert...and Stacy Keibler and Julianne Hough get nods just for their legs.  A difficult decision to say the least, although I just now remembered someone across the pond who I haven't mentioned yet...and she may be declared the victor.

What else, what else....oh yeah, FOOTBALL.  I'll have my thoughts on what Bama's fall practices will hopefully shape out to be, and my buddy Clay will have his thoughts on Auburn football as well---assuming there is anyone out there reading this who gives a shit.  Ohhhh snappage, the trash talk begins.

Stay tuned, my friends.  September 5th will be here before you know it.