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The Legend of Cecilio Guante A sports blog for those who remember the days when it was OK to throw inside, hit the quarterback, and trash talk a bit.
Disclaimer - Pay attention fuckwads. I will put this atop
every guest writer's article in the hopes that you will truly
understand that the words being said in the following article are NOT my
words, even though some may end up being true. So if you have a problem
with anything being said or any grammatical mistakes or spelling
errors, direct it toward him/her, not me, or I will bring the Joker
wrath. And you and I both know you don't want that. And if you do, as
Hank the Dwarf so eloquently quipped..."Your mutha."
Lemme start this off with a link to my lady of luck for this week. Ms. Alicia Keys. *sigh*
Okay now down to business. After going 1-4 for Saturday but not losing
anything cause I was too (clears throat) hungover to make it to the
sportsbook. I figured what the hell let's see what I can do with the
NFL on Sunday. I want to say thank you to the Chiefs keeping it close
and the Seahawks for the nail in the coffin pick 6. Now on to Green
Bay... seriously? WTF? Blame it on the creamsicles? Anyway 2-1 isn't
bad at all considering how bad it could have been. And to the
ridiculously hot bartendar at The Bank, THANK YOU. Alright back to what we're all here for. Normally I wait until at least
Thursday, but I'm going to be busy this week with NBA.
Bowling Green -3
@ Miami(OH) I look at this as being a revenge game for BG considering
the lost they took last season. Add to that Miami hasn't won a game all
season. (2 Alicia's)
Boston College -4.5 @ Virginia BC is coming off of bye week and UVA is
doing their usual "let's fall apart at the end of the season" trend (5
Alicia's)
Western Michigan -10 @ Eastern Michigan I really don't have anything to
say.... it's Eastern Michigan (3 Alicia's)
Standford +10.5 @ USC I take Stanford every year this match up comes
along and they never let me down. Nuff Said.(2 Alicia's)
Troy @ Arkansas -14.5 The #1 team in the Sun Belt Conference taking on
the last place team in the SEC West. You want to know what that means
to me? The smartest special ed student (the one that could color inside
the lines and played with paste all day instead of eating it) trying to
outsmart the B- honor student that's busting his ass day after day just
to keep his parents happy because they want him to be a double major.
(2 Alicia's)
Well that's all I got. I tip my hat and wish the rest my best.
Perfection. That's the name of the game this week. I'm going back to the well this time, fellas. Kate trumps them all, and I'm counting on her to bring me 5-0 luck this week. Man...it's like that split second before a kiss. Me likey. Me wanty. Me no getty anything close to it. Sigh. **rubs Cheetohs crumbs off shirt**
In case you were wondering, I randomly found this song and I'm digging it. Very Depeche Mode-ish. Korn's Jonathan Davis is in it, then I saw DJ Von Douche who looks a lot like Bobby Light, so I had to post it here. Plus it has hot women in costume, so that's an obvious reason to keep it. Hope it adds to the mojo factor, too. Maybe I'll start posting vids with the picks if it proves to be lucky.
As for who leads who, I think Chicago Kid still drives the car, but I'll let him do the math. I know everyone is disappointed in last week's effort, so look for some atonement from all the boys this time around---the Kid, Walter, Blanket, Racer X, AUJclayton, and new nose-pickers this week, Breck and JVega$.
So, as I alluded to in my Sunday Thoughts post, everyone who participated in Pick 'Em last week sucked donkey balls. I think we went 6-28-1 collectively, which is about as good as my chances of bedding Becks. But by God, it all changes this week. Sure, I've had thoughts of hanging them up and saying "fuggit, I'm out", but misery loves company, and the fact that we all suck so badly kinda makes me want to stick to it. It's like laughing at your own failures...sometimes you have to. Or in the case of AUJclayton, you just avoid mirrors altogether. Hiyo!!!
While I remember, big ups to El Matteo, loyal Joker Report reader from the jump. He didn't realize it at the time, but he is now being (somewhat) immortalized in avatars and signatures around the college football forums. Not because he did anything special, only that he happened to be an extra in the Julio show. Pretty cool, Matt, pretty cool.
Take it, Paul Simon! Goodbye to Tigers, I'm drinking Coronas...I see you Matt and Julio down by the schoolyard!
I'm going to have fun this week. I'm not going to worry about trends, stats, or any of that shit. When I see two teams, I'm going to use my patented Jokertelligence and spit out winners left and right. Call it luck. Call it intuition. Call it perfection. See what I did there? I used a main theme, *perfection*, in the intro, then came around full circle. I excelled in English class, what can I say.
Hark! Alas! Thine picks be shown!
***4 Beckinsales*** Clemson -7 NC STATE - I've been a big advocate of CJ Spiller since I first saw his explosive athleticism as a freshman. Couple that with Bama alum Dabo Sweeney, and I wondered how they struggled so often earlier in the season. Fast forward to now, and not only is CJ in Heisman talks, but the Tigers have reeled off 4 W's in a row. The Wolfpack have Russell Wilson aaaand....that's it. Look for the purple and orange to carry their momentum on thru this weekend.
***4 Beckinsales*** Virginia Tech -16.5 MARYLAND - Psh. Maryland can't hang with Ryan Williams. Hell, he might get 200+ yards on them. And what's Maryland going to do, score on Tech? Highly unlikely they get out of single digits. Nuff said, yo.
***2 Beckinsales*** Idaho +30 BOISE STATE - The Broncos are a badass team. But as I've said before, they tend to play better games on the road, and let's not forget that Idaho once had the WAC's best defense. The Vandals have slipped up a ton lately, but if they can't get up for this game, something is wrong. Nothing would make their day than taking down the WAC kings and their damned blue turf. 30 points is a lot to cover---and believe me, BSU can cover easily---I just think everyone is due for a slip up game, so I'm rolling the dice with this one.
***5 Beckinsales*** Auburn +4.5 GEORGIA - Whaaaaaaaaat?! FIVE Becks on AUBURN?! Yep. Think of it this way, Gus Malzahn versus Mike Bobo. A genius versus an idiot. Both defenses blow ass. But all the Tigers have to do is focus on doubling/bracketing/killing AJ Green, whereas the Bulldogs have to focus on Ben Tate, Darvin Adams, Terrell Zackery, and Mario Fannin. It's a common perception here in this state that betting on either Bama or Auburn is just downright silly, but Auburn IS the better team. I'll take those points, too, thanks. Warm Beagle, HEY!!
***3 Beckinsales*** SOUTH CAROLINA +15 Florida - I told Matt earlier in the year that Florida State would knock off the Gators. This will not be so, considering Christian Ponder is out for the year partially because of getting trucked by DeAndre McDaniel. McDaniel baits him into the pick, then points at him on the return as if to say "youz ma bitch", before clashing with Ponder and destroying his soul...and his season. But when I saw this Gamecock game, I INSTANTLY thought upset special. Florida are NOT the world beaters they were last season, and though they may have gotten a tad better as of late, I think the ol' Ball Coach will rally his troops and throw everything he's got at Urban Meyer. Look for Eric Norwood to spy Tim Tebow, and if things fall right, Florida could be looking down the barrel of a gun in the 4th quarter.
Ahhhh. 5 more picks done and accounted for---and holy shit, I picked three underdogs without realizing it. I feel good. But then again, I always do, and you've seen the results lately. College football is a hot mess right now, so wager carefully my good friends. Stay tuned for all the other picks. JVega$, just email me your article and I'll take care of the rest.
If there's a cooler picture this year for Bama, I haven't seen it (well, rocky block was pretty damn cool). The one guy everybody dogs, the one guy who does everything asked of him in all facets of the game, the one guy who has been struggling lately...took a quick screen pass and said "all right bitches, here we go." Reminiscent of Keith Brown's sprint against Texas Tech a few years ago, Julio turned the corner and SEVERELY outraced everybody to paydirt. Man, what a feeling. Like a sigh of relief as a fan, and for Julio himself. Hopefully this opened the floodgates, cuz I want to be there for the carnage.
It's too bad that the minute you get on the internet to read up on a big win, everybody and their mothers come out to flame Alabama. The interception by Peterson was pretty clear to me, but the refs made the call. Sometimes you win those calls, sometimes you don't. We happened to get one our way, yet the uproar is beyond belief. It's as if Jarrett Lee going down the field for 60 yards and a score was a given. Wait...what? Are you seriously holding on to this tiny, sad thread of hope? And it's not just LSU fans, Auburn fans are chiming in as well. "Bama cheats", "We paid the refs", blah blah blah. Jesus F, can you not understand we're a badass team now? Just because all YOU can remember is Mike Shula doesn't mean we're still that team. We're Nick Saban now, we're Gene Stallings, we're Bear Bryant. Just like that glorious joker card, DEAL WITH IT.
Okay, now that I got that off my chest, let's remain cordial. I had a fun Saturday with my boy Brecker Brecker 1-9 (Happy 32nd), eating some killer tuna tartar (uh, can you hold the tartar sauce? What? I don't like it) and drinking some good bourbon. Tasted like...victory.
Now before I get all high and mighty on my lovely readers, I would like to first point out what a joke I have become in Pick Em. A clean sweep, an 0-fer. Like Auburn's defense, just dismal. But but but Joker, walk-ons and yada yada!! To be fair, everyone else blew ass too:
Yes, my friends, as a group we went 6-28-1 this weekend. That's so fucking terrible, I can hardly contain myself. The only positive out of this? Neither Vega$ nor Mistah J put money on anything. Freakin' sweet.
I may suck ass on pick 'em lately, but I'm dead on about my team. Thankfully the "experts" picked LSU almost across the board. Dez, Corso, and Holzthhhhh picked LSU, and Kirk stood by the Crimson Tide. Thank you, Kirk, now you look like a genius. Still not sure why Desmond didn't roll with the Tide, but who cares.
1) I said the slot receivers would be the difference. Marquis Maze led the way with 6 receptions for 88 yards, and Darius Hanks contributed a much-needed 21 yard touchdown grab.
2) I said the score would be 24-13. Actual score 24-15. I rule, you drool.
3) I also hinted that Trindon Holliday would do some damage. Thankfully, he didn't. I don't know if our coverage got immensely better, of if Trindon is just a track star with no true football skills, but our weakness was covered up, at least for this game.
As for my thoughts on the game...Mark Ingram is a bad man. Marcell Dareus is a bad man. Javier Arenas is a bad man. Julio Jones is a bad man. Trent Richardson is a bad man. All of the above contributed to the team as a whole in beating the shit out of LSU physically. It seemed like every third down someone in purple and yellow got hurt. Granted, some were cramps...but then again, some were broken collarbones. Nobody wants to face this defense, and now that the offense may have turned the corner, only good things are ahead. 'Tis a good feeling.
Cory Reamer played like shit, Eryk Anders made some mistakes, aaaand that's all my hungover ass can remember. I do know a classic trap game has been prepared for us next week, so let's hope the coaches get everybody's minds right before heading to Starkville. Mississippi State is better than the average Joe thinks, so we need to prepare for them just like we would anyone else. Of course, just like everybody else on the planet, they've had a bye week to prepare for us. Anthony Dixon is the real deal, but if we can put the clamps on him, good things will happen.
Check back this week for more random shit, and of course the picks. Breck wants to try his hand, so the birthday boy gets his wish. Racer, AUJ, and Vega$---you're officially on the clock.
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