The Joker Report

Week 14 Picks (Updated)

Seen that commercial for the WWE video game?  If you're like me, you yawn until the very end when some ridiculously hot girl is next to Triple-H.  Well, I did my research, JUST FOR YOU GUYS, and her name is Kelly Kelly.  I'll ignore how stupid that is cuz she's hot.  Cite this as one example you can tell your ugly daughter why her pretty best friend got the good job and she didn't.  Oh, and since your boss just saw you tilt your head to the left, he knows you're not cold calling your list of 50 people.  Shh, here he comes.

Anybody watch Monday Night Football?  When it rains, it pours.  First time in a long time I saw my boy Woodson get burned, straight up, no apologies.  On the flip side Jason David has two picks?  That's what folks at You Can't Do That on Television call "Opposite Day".  HELL YES I just gave a shout out to old school Nickelodeon.  Hell, they practically raised me.  Was it them or Cartoon Network that aired Bananaman back in the day?  British comedy FTMFW.  If you don't know what that means, go get a rivals.com subscription and get back to me.

I'm trying my very best not to comment on the Alabama situation, the Iron Bowl, or the SEC Championship Game.  Why?  Whatever for, person who has made an entire website, bought thousands of dollars of merchandise from said school, and has lost half his hair because of all the stress?  Cuz I don't want to fuck up the mojo, that's why.  Excuse my language.  That said, 'nuff said.

Besides, I'm too busy owning souls with my own team on Goal Line Blitz.  Do you like football?  Yes.  Do you want to create and control your own players?  Of course you do.  Do you want to be a part of a grown man's World of Warcraft?  Absolutely.  Sign up, you'll be hooked like that skinny crackhead who always hits on your girlfriend.  Ha---skinny crackhead.  Bit redundant.

Now, on to the miserable last weekend I had.  No babes, no 5 star picks, got pwned by a 1/2 point, Bama had an off weekend...just lousy.  Although watching LSU lose and Notre Dame crumble before my eyes was hilarious.  This weekend I shall make up for it in a big way.

Picks aren't in yet though, so you'll have to be patient.  Until then, enjoy some more Kelly Kelly.  Apparently she likes pink.  Witty comment withheld.

Figured I'd keep the pictures up there.  I've looked a couple times, so I'm assuming some of my readers have as well.  Now, the updates:

Kates through Week 13

5 Beckinsales - 10-8-1
4 Beckinsales - 21-11
3 Beckinsales - 13-20-1
2 Beckinsales - 19-20
1 Beckinsales - 11-13

Joker/Walter Challenge as of Week 13:

Joker - 31-22-2
Walter - 32-23

This week I'm taking a bunch of visitors to cover.  It's basically the continuation of Rivalry Week from last Saturday, and the home team gets too much credit in my opinion.  We shall see how this comes to fruition:

1 Beckinsale - Central Michigan -10 EASTERN MICHIGAN - LOSS
                    - Syracuse +22 UCONN - WIN - HOLY SHIT I won one!!

2 Beckinsales - Miami -1.5 NC STATE - LOSS
                      - Fresno State +21 BOISE STATE - LOSS
                      - Nevada -5 LA TECH - LOSS (1 point...sigh)
                      - Florida State +16.5 FLORIDA - LOSS

3 Beckinsales - Georgia Tech +8 GEORGIA - WIN - Does it matter what I won anymore?
                      - Auburn +14 ALABAMA -  - LOSS - This is the lone loss that doesn't bother me
                      - Notre Dame +32 USC - LOSS - I did all this on purpose.

4 Beckinsales - Louisiana State -4.5 ARKANSAS - LOSS - (commit enough penalties there, LSU?)
                      - Oklahoma -7 OKLAHOMA STATE - WIN - Agh, thank God.

5 Beckinsales - BUFFALO -9.5 Kent State -  LOSS - (can I blame Friday's losses on the tryptophan?)
                      - Arkansas State -20 NORTH TEXAS LOSS - It's a running joke now.

Enjoy your Thanksgiving, everyone.  And remember, cuz you KNOW it will happen, just grab a beer and go watch football in the other room when that bitch starts yappin'.  Otherwise you'll be in handcuffs and the family will remember it forever.

One last picture of Bama's biggest pimp and his usual Tuesday night date(s).

Week...eh, whatever Picks

Lost count of what week it is, and I don't even have pics of hot women this week.  So you're probably like...

And I'm all like...hey, you only get pics of hot women you'll never ever ever have when I have 5 star picks. Unfortunately for this week, I have none. And the only two 4 star picks I have are possible "overs", which won't come out for a couple days, so consider this your lucky day. You get to laugh instead of fap.

Kates through Week 12 (hey, it's Week 12!)

in case you missed it, I effing racked up last weekend.  HOO RAH:

5 Beckinsales - 10-8-1
4 Beckinsales - 20-10
3 Beckinsales - 12-18
2 Beckinsales - 18-17
1 Beckinsales - 9-12

Joker/Walter Challenge as of Week 12:

Joker - 30-19-1
Walter - 29-21

And now the good stuff.  Don't bet on my shit.  Lawyers, dobermans, psycho ex-flames...you get the picture.

***1 Kate - Boston College +2 WAKE - WIN
            La Tech -7 NEW MEXICO STATE - LOSS
            Boise State -6 NEVADA- WIN

***2 Kates - Army +17.5 RUTGERS - LOSS
              Duke +17 VIRGINIA TECH - WIN
              Texas Tech +7 OKLAHOMA (for the record, I say OU wins by 4) - LOSS - Shoulda said win by 4 "kajillion" and I'd be closer.  Wow.  This is another reminder I said OU/UF in the BCS Champ at the beginning of the year.  Hopefully I'm wrong about the UF part...
              Idaho +23.5 HAWAII - LOSS

***3 Kates - Ball State -7 CENTRAL MICHIGAN - PUSH
              WYOMING +2 Colorado State - LOSS
              Air Force +18.5 TCU - LOSS (god my 3-Beck picks suck this year)
              Ole Miss +4.5 LSU - WIN - Fitting the only win is the only 3-Beck pick I didn't choose for the challenge. I hate you.

----------------------------UPDATED 11/21/08----------------------------------

***4 Kates - Iowa State/Kansas State - UNDER - 67 1/2 LOSS - 68 points. On a literal last second touchdown. You've gotta be shitting me.
                  BYU/Utah - OVER 54 - WIN - Hell, won this easy in the 3rd quarter.  Wish they were all like that.

There ya have it. Take from it what you will. No explanations or women or amusing commentary. Sucks not having control, huh? The following pictures are strictly for my buddy Pokey in the B'ham. Something tells me one of these will end up as his desktop picture...

Week 12 - Fish 'n Chips, anyone?

British women need to jump on some damn boats and roll to the States.  Seriously.  Keeley Hazel here, Gemma Atkinson next, and last but not least, Lucy Pinder.  Gemma for the win, if you ask me.  But they're all Bri-ish (that's how they say it...why even have the 't'?), all hot, and all with more curves than that one street in San Francisco that I can't remember cuz I'm still looking at these pictures.

Kates through Week 11

5 Beckinsales - 9-7-1
4 Beckinsales - 17-10
3 Beckinsales - 10-17
2 Beckinsales - 16-16
1 Beckinsales - 8-10

Joker/Walter Challenge as of Week 11:

Joker - 26-18-1
Walter - 25-20

Too lazy to type my ass off explaining all these picks, so just look at the pictures and be content.

1 BECKINSALE:

Duke +11 CLEMSON
LOSS

New Mexico -EVEN- COLORADO STATE
LOSS

Utah State +13 LA TECH
WIN

2 BECKINSALES:

UNLV -7 Wyoming
WIN

South Carolina +21 FLORIDA
LOSS

Utah -28.5 SAN DIEGO STATE
WIN

3 BECKINSALES:

MICHIGAN -4 Northwestern
LOSS (Michigan is pathetic)

Minnesota +14 WISCONSIN
WIN

Ohio State -9 ILLINOIS
WIN

4 BECKINSALES:

Texas -13 KANSAS
WIN

Missouri -27.5 IOWA STATE
WIN

UCLA -7 WASHINGTON
WIN

5 BECKINSALES:

Oklahoma State -17 COLORADO
LOSS

Notre Dame -3.5 NAVY
WIN

Week 11 Perfect Picks

This week I'm going to entertain you with pics and picks all up and down this page.  Why?  Cuz you deserve it, you motorboatin' sonuvabitch, you!

As for the title, that's right, you heard me.  PERFECT picks.  Every damn one of these will be correct, and you can advance to Go!, collect a lot more than $200, and be sure to send 10% to me.  By the way, I'm always the guy on the horse and I always get Marvin Gardens, so be Mr. Original, take your gay car and Boardwalk, and I'll still beat you.

Kates through Week 10:

5 Beckinsales - 8-6-1
4 Beckinsales - 15-9
3 Beckinsales - 9-15
 2 Beckinsales - 14-15
1 Beckinsales - 7-10

The balance of power has once again shifted!  Joker/Walter Challenge as of Week 10:

Joker - 23-16-1
Walter - 22-18

***1 Beckinsale - RUTGERS -14.5 Syracuse - Whoop-tee-doo, Syracuse beat Louisville.  Let's not all hurt ourselves clamoring to name them world-beaters.  They still suck, and somewhere along the way Greg Schiano got his guys playing better ball.  Don't buy into the orange hype.  If you need further proof, take a look at Auburn.  Or Clemson.  Or Tennessee.
WIN

***2 Beckinsales -Georgia -10.5 KENTUCKY - If the Florida raping hadn't happened last week, I wouldn't take this line.  But, if these 18-22 year old kids have any pride whatsoever, they'll take the Cats to the woodshed.  And hopefully beat them considerably instead of play gabby grabass.
LOSS

***2 Beckinsales - Kansas State +27 Missouri - Not sure why this line is so high.  I guess the oddsmakers assume the Tigers will decide to play defense this week.  I'm rooting against it.  Not to mention the Wildcats have an NFL prospect slinging it better each week.
WIN

***2 Beckinsales - Michigan +7.5 MINNESOTA - I can see a lot of people going the other way on this, but they fail to see that Minny's Big Ten wins have not been very convincing---damn near lucky at times.  Northwestern said "bitch what?!", and now it's Michigan's turn.  I'm tempted to say the Wolverines leave town with a victory.
WIN

***3 Beckinsales - Texas Christian -2 UTAH - I don't like Utah's style of play.  This may be a determining factor in taking this game at 3 Kates, but as I always tend to harp on, there's just peace of mind when betting on a team with a great defense.  The Horned Frogs are gunning for their piece of the BCS pie, their one loss be damned.
LOSS

***3 Beckinsales - TENNESSEE -27 Wyoming - Okay, it's evident the players wanted Coach Fulmer to end of his own accord, they feel like the Volunteers are a team, a band, a brotherhood, and now finally---a shitty team they can beat up on will come to town.  Hell, UT's defense/special teams will score 14, so if the offense matches that, the spread will be covered, cuz I really don't see Wyoming spending much time in opponent territory.
LOSS

***3 Beckinsales - Hawaii -3.5 NEW MEXICO STATE - This is a battle of "crappy but should be decent" vs simply "crappy".  I'm sooo taking the crappy but should be decent team.  Sure the Aggies are 11th in passing offense, but they only have 16 TDs.  That means they are throwing the ball around trying to catch up to their opponents, not to mention their 117th rush ranking isn't helping matters.  If Hawaii shows up and acts like it's a football game, they'll win handily.
WIN

***4 Beckinsales - Ohio State -11 NORTHWESTERN - Congrats to Northwestern for beating Minnesota, as if that means a DAMN THING.  In case you've forgotten, you lost your best player in Tyrell Sutton for the rest of the season, and now the big bad bully comes to town to steal your candy and show you the realities of life.  OSU is THE quality program up north, and they get shit done; I think the line is set as it is to lure in the folks who hear the hype coming out of Minny.  Don't fall for it.
WIN

***4 Beckinsales - BYU -36.5 San Diego State - Oh lordy, here goes Joker with another BYU pick.  Hey, yes I may have been hit or miss with them all year, but dammit, I'm a glutton for punishment.  Not to mention the Aztecs are EVEN WORSE running the ball than the aforementioned Aggies, and to top it off---they are LAST IN THE NATION in rush defense, giving up almost 300 yds each game.  BYU is pass-first, but they'll be smiling this game.  I'm banking on that #8 passing offense getting their shit together at home and blowing out this team like they did to teams earlier in the season.  I mean COME ON, Wyoming beat SDSU!!  Like a rented mule!
LOSS

***4 Beckinsales - Arizona State -14.5 WASHINGTON - Might as well beat up on your opponents while they're down.  Hey, it makes you look better.  It's like impressing a girl with your right hook---kinda stupid, but deep down inside, she knows it worked.  Meaningful stat: U-Dub is 1-7 ATS this season.
WIN

***5 Beckinsales - Oklahoma -27 TEXAS A&M - First off, let me state that this may be one of the best pictures ever taken in the history of the world.  That said, the Sooners are one of the teams on the outside looking in, and they're pissed.  They know they could have beaten Texas, but they blew it.  They want another chance.  They're going to blow out their opponents from here on out in the hopes of inching closer to the BCS title game, and this week the Aggies need more than the 12th Man to help them cover this spread.  This one could get ugly.  Kinda like the pic shows.  Don't act like that can't happen again.
WIN

***5 Beckinsales - Arizona -41 Washington State - I have a feeling the oddsmakers just don't know how to score these lines.  They probably feel like anything around 40 is pushing it, so they plopped a 1 on the end and hope people bet on the Cougars out of pity.  No chance.  This isn't a team that can "get up" for particular opponents.  They're just lousy.  They are a bad team.  Poorly coached, poor players, poor atmosphere, and even their big brother Washington has caught a case of the poor-mes.  Hell, even their dad up in Seattle sucks balls.  What the hell is happening in Starbucksland?  I'm just gonna keep betting against Wazu until they show me they can put up any semblance of a fight.  Arizona's legit defense is the soothing factor.
LOSS

So that's what's for dinner this week.  I'll leave you with one last picture.  Do I condone this behavior?  No.  Do I laugh my ass off?  Yes.  If this picture bothers you, do I wish you were the chick in the picture?  Yes.  Have a good week, ladies and germs.

Joker Smoker Week 10 Pick 'Em

It's Halloween time, my friends.  And this outfit...yeeeeeeeesh.  She's pretty, good body, good legs, knee highs, and she's selling cookies.  (Edit - GREAT body and GREAT legs...don't be a douche, Joker)  Is there anything more you'd rather want now?  If so, I brand you Suckster (FF to 5:00 mark) .  Goodness gracious...I bet she pees rainbows.

(Edit---just changed that link to the correct video in case you were like wtf)

Okay, I'm sticking with my picks.  The only line that makes me nervous is the Miami game, moving a full point in my favor.  I also took out the Iowa State pick, cuz I'm flipping too much to take either side.

***11 games - 10 away teams - 5 underdogs - 1 over/under***

My rationale for this?  I've never thought playing at home matters that much anymore.  There are too many good athletes on both sides of the ball, and the only true hostile enemy territories in my opinion are Autzen Stadium and Tiger Stadium at night.  So throw away home field advantage unless the USC cheerleaders stand on the sidelines or teams start incorporating the Victoria's Secret models into their playbooks.

As for taking more underdogs, I think we're well enough into the season that playbooks have been all but used up, plenty of games have been completed, and gameplanning and scouting are much easier for opponents now.  Well, other than Washington State.  Good gravy they're awful.  But as you'll soon see, there may be an even worse team.

So that said, I give you the challenge and Beckinsale updates, and my week 10 picks:

Kates through Week 9:

5 Beckinsales - 8-4-1
4 Beckinsales - 12-9
3 Beckinsales - 9-12
 2 Beckinsales - 13-14
1 Beckinsales - 6-10

Joker/Walter Challenge as of Week 9:

Walter - 21-14
Joker - 20-14-1

WEEK TEN PICK 'EM:

***2 KATES*** Central Michigan +2.5 INDIANA - Dan LeWhatever is probable to be back from injury, and even though Indiana won last week and is in a "better" conference, relatively speaking of course, I'm not sure they're ready for the passing attack that will rain down on them like hellfire and brimstone.  Well maybe not that bad, but this is the 19th best passing offense in the nation going against the 73rd best passing defense.  Home field advantage be damned.
WIN - Dan must have had a LeFever cuz he still didn't play, though probable.  No matter, the Chippewas TCB against yet another crappy Big Ten team.

***1 KATE***  Miami +2 VIRGINIA (line moved +1) - Like I said above, this one scares me, so I'm only rolling 1 Beckinsale on this.  My presumption is that Miami is slowly coming along under Shannon, they're fighters until the end, they always have the athletes, and had Virginia lost last week, they may not take them as seriously as they will now.  Taking the Canes.
WIN - AL Groh coach of the year, blah blah blah.  Not anymore.  In case you're blind, the Canes and Seminoles are rebuilding, and when they rebuild, they recruit ridiculous athletes who can win close games with sheer physical skill.  Like this one.

***3 KATES***  Missouri -20 BAYLOR - Chase Daniel, even though he's got a little sugar in the tank (aaawkward!), is still a pimp on the football field.  Baylor has been better than expected this year, and the Tigers play better defense at home, but I still think they're playing for something other than pride, and they'll take care of business.  What that something else is, I'm not sure.   A Wham! poster?  Perhaps.
LOSS - MIssouri just can't play defense outside of Columbia.  Remember that.

***3 KATES***  San Diego State +3 WYOMING - Two lousy teams.  In a top heavy conference.  However, San Diego State's pass offense is 53rd.  That's not bad at all.  Wyoming is sitting at 116th.  Wow, that's like Auburn bad.  Even when Wyoming plays to their strength with the 54th best rushing attack, the Aztecs counter with the nation's 11th best rush defense.  Do statistics tell the whole story?  We shall see.
LOSS - Only the 3rd quarter, but I ain't winning this one.  Apparently statistics don't tell the whole story, otherwise geeky engineers would tell us how football is played.

***2 KATES***  Eastern Michigan +17 W. MICH -(line moved -0.5) - I'm always pimping Western Michigan as the quiet moneymakers of the north.  This weekend though, I'm taking a team who apparently hates being beaten by the spread, kicking a meaningless field goal in the 4th quarter last week just to fuck with whoever bet on Ball State.  Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me.
LOSS - Re-read the first line and tell me why I chose EMU.  Damnation.

***4 KATES***  Tennessee/SOUTH CAROLINA - UNDER 37.5 - (UPDATED) Don't know what the under is yet, but these two offenses blow goats compared to their defenses.  I'm not even sure either will score an offensive touchdown.  I'm willing to take anything over 32 here...I can't see the score besting anything more than 17-14.
WIN - Surprised they scored as many as they did.  And wow Tennessee sucks.  I'm not sure if I want fatass to stay around in Knoxville or not.  Thankfully someone else will make that decision for me.

*** 5 KATES***  Oregon +3 CALIFORNIA - This is one of those "huh?" lines.  Personally I think the Ducks have no trouble putting the Bears away.  Oregon lost a close one to an undefeated Boise State team and the mighty Trojans took care of them, but I really don't see California being the third team to beat them.
LOSS - Apparently Cal is better in monsoons.  Who knew.

***4 KATES***  Boise State -20.5 NMSU (line moved -0.5) - I'm taking this one before it slides down another half point.  Boise State always seems to start out slow, making stupid mistakes, and eventually gaining momentum in the second half.  As for New Mexico State...they lost to Idaho.  Who does that?  Nobody, except for Idaho State.  There's an Idaho State you say?  Apparently.
WIN - Man...can I switch my 4 stars for my 5 stars?  That really bothers me this week.  Boise State, in case you haven't noticed, is now 8-0.  I bet I know what their favorite Disney movie is...

***4 KATES***  Texas Christian -14 UNLV (line moved -0.5) - I always feel a little bit better when taking the team with a good defense.  I'd rather have that covering the spread than a good offense.  Ride the Horned Frogs until they fail you, as they're 6-2 ATS and playing solid ball right now.  #1 rush defense, #7 pass efficiency defense, #2 total defense, #2 scoring defense.  That enough for ya?
WIN - I'm not sure if the oddsmakers just aren't paying attention to the "lesser" conference teams or what, but I need to make notes of these easier wins.  You should, too.

*** 3 KATES***  Utah -7.5 NEW MEXICO - The Utes should take care of business here.  They're undefeated and trying their best to be the BCS busters, whereas New Mexico, while fair, only beats who they're supposed to, losing when they're supposed to as well.  Seems too logical for gambling purposes, but fuggit, we're going for it.
LOSS - Who cares, Bama should move to numero uno in the BCS standings tomorrow.  Let's hope we keep it that way.

***5 KATES***  WESTERN KENTUCKY -17 North Texas (line moved -0.5) - Let me just run over some numbers for ya here:

North Texas Mean Green national statistics:

114th scoring offense
99th rushing defense
119th pass efficiency defense
118th total defense
119th scoring defense
111th net punting
110th punt returns
117th kickoff returns
118th turnover margin
118th pass defense
113th sacks

Need I go on?  Need I explain why this is a 5 Beckinsale?
LOSS - When it rains, it pours.  There's no explaining this one.  At least Walter blew it as well.

So there ya have it, the big money is on the Hilltoppers.  Should be another interesting weekend.  Enjoy your women dressing up slutty for Halloween.  If you don't, I know someone who will...

Week 9 Pick-a-ton!

Man, I gotta admit, it sure is nice waking up to this every morning...on my computer desktop :(  *sobs uncontrollably*

The secret to a good pick 'em week is to find some good music, get in your zone, and tune in to your gut and to the facts.  I used this video to help me out, so you know I'm gonna be damn near perfect this week.  Besides, I feel good about these picks for the first time in a few weeks, so I'm rollin' the dice on a lot of games.  I'm only explaining the challenge picks though, cuz this shit is more time consuming than Phillip Fulmer trying to get dressed every morning.  "Honey, this is size XXXXXXXXXL.  You know damn well that's my tight workout shirt."

Kates through Week 8:

5 Beckinsales - 7-3-1
4 Beckinsales - 11-8
3 Beckinsales - 8-9
 2 Beckinsales - 9-12
1 Beckinsales - 6-8

Joker/Walter Challenge as of Week 8:

Walter - 18-12
Joker - 17-12-1

***3 Beckinsales*** - Texas A&M/Iowa State - OVER 54 1/2.  I don't even know what the over is yet, but I know I'm taking it.  I love Joe Kines dearly, but his bend-but-don't-break style defense just doesn't cut the mustard anymore; or at least not with the subpar athletes Dennis (burn in hell) Franchione recruited for the Aggies. Bigger score than 28-27?  My money says yes.
WIN - Boom, covered in the 3rd quarter.  Always helps to be familiar with a former coordinator.  Plus, in case you missed it, the Big XII doesn't field defensive players anyway.

***4 Beckinsales*** - BALL STATE -24 Eastern Michigan - The Cardinals are like any other Cinderella team---they want to make a statement, especially since nobody gives them any credit.  They're undefeated, they're 5-0-1 ATS, they're facing an opponent who is 1-6 ATS, they're at home, and they're all wearing GLASS FUCKING SLIPPERS.  They even got me hyped up!  Go Fighting Lettermans!!
LOSS - Aaaand EMU tears my heart out with an asbolutely pointless late FG.

***4 Beckinsales*** - OKLAHOMA -19 Kansas State - Ahh, the oddsmakers are giving the indication to the public that the Wildcats may make a game out of this one.  Wrong.  Stoops and the Sooners know the SEC leader will slip up eventually (Bama), and that Texas has a tough road to hoe (hell yes I said hoe), and they have a chance just as much as USC or Florida for the BCS title game, and Sam "I can see my nose!" Bradford will go apeshit Saturday on the hopeless K State defense.
WIN - Turns out Josh Freeman went apeshit on the porous Sooner defense, but OU was still too much to overcome.  $100 to anyone who burns the Toyota "Saved by Zero" commercials and its creator to the ground.  You want Al Qaeda to squeal?  There's your hint.  It was all I could do not to throw the remote at the TV.

***5 Beckinsales*** - TCU -31.5 Wyoming - Jump on this one.  The Horned Frogs at home, having just rolled BYU into their graves, have the hapless Cowboys in their sights.  I'm not sure Wyoming will even come close to scoring, which makes this line even more mouth-watering than it already is.  It's like watching Keyra Augustina do...anything.
WIN - TCU is quickly becoming the class of the Mountain West.  I'm busy watching the Bama game, so that's all you get here.

***5 Beckinsales*** - USC -16 Arizona - I'm assuming everyone thinks USC is ranked too high across the boards, and that sooner or later they'll eventually stumble against another inferior opponent.  Uhhhh nope.  We're probably going to see them in the title game, if recent CFB history has any say.
LOSS - I'm assuming this is a loss, cuz I'm going to bed like the old man I am, even though the game is still on.  USC missed a FG and simultaneously kicked me in the nuts, so I'm just packing this one in.

And for the rest of my picks:

I preface this with anger cuz I left out my Texas Tech pick :(

Northwestern -8 INDIANA - 1 Kate
LOSS - Indiana won a Big 10 game?  Wow.

Ole Miss -5 ARKANSAS - 1 Kate
LOSS - Whew, tough week in the lower Beckinsales.

Boise State -7.5 SJSU - 2 Kates
WIN - Boise State made me ponder if these games are legitimately staged, cuz they did damn near everything poorly tonight until the 4th quarter, keeping a terrible San Jose State team in the game and toying with their (and my) emotions.  Second most points given up by BSU this year.

Minnesota -EVEN- PURDUE - 2 Kates
WIN - Who'da thunk the Golden Gophers would be 7-1 at this point??

Kentucky +24.5 FLORIDA - 2 Kates
LOSS - Umm the Gators had this covered in the first quarter.

Duke +9.5 VANDY - 2 Kates
WIN - Duke underrated, Vandy overrated, score reflected that.

UTAH STATE +16.5 Fresno State - 2 Kates
WIN - Bulldogs almost lost this one.  Remember for future reference.

Central Michigan -4 TOLEDO - 2 Kates
LOSS - Fuck.  Nothing else to say on this one.

Auburn +3 WEST VIRGINIA - 3 Kates
LOSS - Up by 14 then boom---31 unanswered points?  Eh, it's fine with me, I can't say this loss bothers me while Auburn continues their downward spiral.  Now maybe all the Bill Lumberghs hanging around Tider cubicles will finally shut the hell up.

Cincinnati -EVEN- UCONN - 3 Kates
LOSS - Sigh.  Pour it on.

South Florida -4.5 LOUISVILLE - 3 Kates
LOSS - Yeah, like that. Nooot helping my 3 Becks.

HELL YEAH that's a lot of picks.  And I want to see a lot of green dripping all over this page come Saturday.  Damn I'm in a good mood, enjoy it while you can.  Everybody raise your shotglass with me and say...FUCK Tennessee!

Now go listen to the snitch guy again and enjoy the rest of your week.

Week Ocho Pickso

Mila Kunis.  Underrated as hell.  It's not all about big boobs, kids.  That woman is hot.  Sure she's been with that Culkin kid from Home Alone for years and years, but let's not hold that against her.  She looks hot in the new Max Payne trailers, and we all know that's what counts.  Plus she reminds me of the Russian stripper that I...heard...about?

Okay, so right now Walter is a big bag of douche.  He kicked my butt last week, 4-1 to 2-3, and since I'm being a gentleman, I'll consider my 2-3 to be 1-3-1.  I suppose it's fair to call a push a tie, but damn...I thought I'd have some pull with my OWN site.  Guess not.  Is this what it's like to be married?  Anyway, that makes him the current leader, and I'm not happy about that.  He's a good dude though, he knows what he's talking about, and we're both in the black, so I can't complain.

Kates through Week 7:

5 Beckinsales - 5-3-1
4 Beckinsales - 10-7
3 Beckinsales - 7-6
 2 Beckinsales - 8-10
1 Beckinsales - 5-7

Joker/Walter Challenge as of Week 7:

Walter - 15-10
Joker - 14-10-1

WEEK EIGHT PICKS - LEZ DO IT TO IT:

***1 Beckinsale***  BOSTON COLLEGE -2.5 Va Tech - Tech simply can't move the ball anymore.  27 points on Western Kentucky?  Say huuuh?  They've lost the Beamer ball identity, there are no leaders, and it's just not "right" over there.  Look for the Eagles to play solid, straight up ball and walk out with a good win.
WIN - It's kinda sad watching the Hokies fall from grace.  Hard not to like Beamer.

***1 Beckinsale***  Southern Miss +3 RICE - This is just my version of a "nut up" game for the Golden Eagles.  They're a pretty good team to bet with, as they play good defensive ball and can influence spreads quietly.  Yes Rice has the deadly Clement to Dillard combo going on, but I have faith SoMiss can pull out a win here.
LOSS - 45-40 is damn close.  Good effort Eagles.

***2 Beckinsales***  Brigham Young -1 TCU -I hear a lot of people taking the Horned Frogs on this one, hoping the Cougars' run will stop here.  BYU has shown some legit defense this year, something I'm not used to seeing from them.  I say they keep the win streak alive this Saturday.  It'll be a dogfight, no doubt, and this line may as well be even, but I'm just going with the lucky team.
LOSS -  I wavered on this all week, and stubbornly stuck to the whiteys.  I think I was the only one in America to bet on BYU, cuz my mom says it's okay to be different.  So basically I blame my mother on this one.  (Clarification---only one to bet on BYU from threads/articles I read and guys I "talk shop" with.  I'm aware most people bet on BYU)

***2 Beckinsales***  BAMA -13 Ole Miss - This is one of those "oh God, stay away from this line" or even better "lock of the year" from certain people, taking the Rebels.  They'll claim the win in the Swamp, Houston Nutt's perennial hard-playing teams against the Crimson Tide, and yada yada.  They keep forgetting we're a different Alabama team now.  I'm using that, and the fact that Nick Saban has had two weeks to prepare, AND the belief that JPW will finally "click" and start hitting his receivers for more than 7 yard outs.  I say we make a statement, at home for once, and the "Bama should be #1" talk will resume.  Even though I hope we stay at #2 all damn year long.
LOSS - Wanna know why I didn't 5 Beckinsale my own team this week?  Ask our FUCKING LOUSY second half performances over the year.  Guess what's wrong with recruiting nice mama's boys who buy into the system, Nick??  NO KILLER INSTINCT.  NONE.  New 4th Quarter Motto:  "Play not to lose!"  It's only a game, fellas!  We get pizza and capri-sun after the game win or lose!!

***2 Beckinsales***  Pittsburgh -3 NAVY - This one was simple to me.  I just think the Panthers show up and dominate.  Navy, while a skeetch better than they normally are, can't hang with them if Pitt actually shows up and starts balling.  Besides, the Panthers have revenge on their minds from last year's defeat at the hands of the Midshipmen in their own house, and they had an off week to prepare.
WIN - Too much red on this page.

***3 Beckinsales***  UConn - 1 RUTGERS - UConn is one of those opportunistic teams that seem to capitalize on opponents' mistakes and hit the ground running once they find a rhythm.  I see them establishing a good gameplan in Piscataway while Mike Teel and his overrated teammates look with blank faces for guidance from coach Greg Schiano, where he will follow with a similar face, adding a shoulder shrug.
LOSS - Last minute missed field goal equals more mental anguish for Mr. Joker.  WHY THE HELL CAN'T KIDS KICK ANYMORE????  (Just saw the replay---off the upright you pansy ass???)

***3 Beckinsales*** GEORGIA -13.5 (bought point) Vandy - This one is pretty simple for me.  There are a lot of teams in the SEC that shouldn't have the hype they do.  Vanderbilt, although a nice story, is one of them.  The one risky part here is that Mackenzi Adams is getting the start over Chris Nickson, and he's the wildcard in all this.  But he has never in his life seen a defense like the Bulldogs, and the Commodore defense has no idea what the 1-2 punch of a rolling Stafford and Moreno snowball will do to them.  I bought a point juuuust in case, though.
LOSS -  I guess I should pay more attention to the wildcard.  Fuck you Georgia.

***3 Beckinsales***  Southern Cal -43 WASH STATE - Yes, you read that correctly, I am taking the favorite on a 43 point spread.  The Cougars are damn near the worst team in all of D1 football, and they are taking on the most talented team in the nation.  Yes, I know, Stanford was a 41-point underdog last year and look what happened.  Well, Georgia beat us last year, and look what happened this year.  Ok then.  The Trojans will roll like crowds at a handicapped convention.
WIN - My summary did well.  For once.

***3 Beckinsales***  Stanford +2 UCLA - Wait...UCLA is favored?  Is this because Stanford is supposed to be Stanford?  Or because the Bruins have "home field advantage" in a sunny city with beautiful people?  How the hell is that scary?  Ohhh I know why, cuz they played well against Oregon last week, so that means they simply must beat the Cardinal.  I'm putting faith in Harbaugh once again.  Probably should have bought a point, but shit happens.
LOSS - You've got to be kidding me.  Touchdown with 16 seconds left?  God hates me.

***4 Beckinsales***  BOISE STATE -24.5 Hawaii - The Broncos get no love.  Like...at all.  The only team they've had any trouble with is Oregon, and they still won.  State's underrated defense will hold Hawaii enough to cover this spread.  Probably rather easily.  For the record, I don't want Peterson at Auburn.
LOSS - Totally dominated Hawaii, just made too many mistakes to cover.

***4 Beckinsales***  Ohio State -3 MICHIGAN STATE - I'm basing this on two simple assumptions:  The Buckeyes want to be known as contenders, and will play as such; and two, that if their defense is used to anything, it's trying to stop the run in practice against Beanie Wells.  Wells is far superior to Javon Ringer, and if you think differently, then you apparently believe everything ESPN tells you.  I think the Spartans finally get exposed, and all this Ringer-for-Heisman talk ceases.
WIN - Yeah, the above pretty much tells ya.

***5 Kate Beckinsales***  SOUTH FLORIDA -24 Syracuse - I feel like this line has lowered enough over the last few weeks with unresounding Bulls wins and decent appearances from the Orangewomen.  Syracuse is hoping momentum will carry them into Tampa and give them a fighting chance, when in reality, the Bulls bitchslap them back into reality after getting healthy on the bye week.  Go Mike Ford Go.
WIN - I don't know why Leavitt won't just unleash Mike Ford.  Same reason Clemson doesn't know how to use their backs either, I guess.  Ah well, the Bulls cleaned up anyway.

***5 Kate Beckinsales***  ILLINOIS -15.5 Indiana - This one worries me, cuz as I was betting on it, the line dropped a point from 16.5.  So some folks either know something orrrrr they're just stupid.  I'm sticking with the "Indiana sucks" motto until they burn me.  Which may very well be this week, but fuggit, I'm betting the house on Juice.  At home.  They should call it the Juice Box.  Ha.
WIN - Guess those folks were idiots.  55-13 is an ol' fashioned rape.

Here's hoping Walter sucks this week.  Although peaks and valleys tend to last longer than one week, so I'll have to patiently climb my way back to the top.

Week Se7en Picks

Not sure if I've introduced my readers to Lauren London or not, but let me be the first to say if you're against a little dip in the chocolate, you're an idiot.  Do yourself a favor and watch ATL, that was enough for me.  Plus the soundtrack is sick if you have a good setup going with your flatscreen.  I apologize if the only guy wanting to do this has a 20 year old black and white set with rabbit ears.  "My bad".

Okay boys and girls, I'll preface this by saying I didn't have a good feeling before I even looked at the games, so if you're following my picks intently, I tell you again to do it of your own accord, cuz my bringing lawyers into the equation only takes more of your money, and I'll eventually take your wife, and you don't want that.  Well, I may not want that, depending on who we're talking about.  Either way, they don't love me...they just love my Jokerstyle.

But hey, maybe this bad feeling will lead to a lot of green by Sunday, who knows.  I haven't done too shabby so far (up 130%):

Kates through Week 6:

5 Beckinsales - 5-3
4 Beckinsales - 9-5
3 Beckinsales - 6-5
 2 Beckinsales - 7-8
1 Beckinsales - 4-6

Joker/Walter Challenge as of Week 6:

Joker - 13-7
Walter - 11-9

And now for the really really good or bad picks of Week Seven (challenge picks in blue):

***1 Beckinsale***  Iowa -5.5 INDIANA - As I said last week, Indiana is back to being Indiana again.  That's right, irrelevant.  Something a close rival of ours is quickly approaching as well, but I digress.  Different subject for a different day.  Start spreading the news...
WIN

***1 Beck***  KENTUCKY -even- South Carolina - This game could go either way, but I called the Cocks winning last week as an underdog, and now they'll lose this week when everyone wants to bet on them again.  Plus if Kentucky feels like it, they can ball.  With the refs' help, of course.
LOSS

***2 Kates***  Temple +8 CENTRAL MICHIGAN - I know CMU has Dan LeWhatever, but Temple is quietly becoming decent.  Well, decent in the sense that they're not everyone's punching bag anymore.  Syracuse has taken that job.
LOSS

***2 K-Becks*** OREGON -17.5 Ucla - I know it's a big line for an interconference game, but UCLA blows ass and Oregon is pissed about getting blown out (which I called but never published, a-thank you).  Oregon is a really good team, the oddsmakers weren't really sure where to go with this line, so take advantage.  In Autzen stadium, UCLA won't know right from left.
LOSS

***2 Beckinsales***  BALL STATE -16 Western Kentucky - The Cardinals are good.  The Hilltoppers are not.  Think that'll do.
WIN

***3 Becks***  Utah -23 WYOMING - Utah seems to be the forgotten good team in the Mountain West, so they're just gonna quietly go about their business on Wyoming's ass like they've done to everyone else.  The sketchy part here is that the Utes let people score, but can the Cowboys do enough to break the spread?  I'm saying no.
WIN

***3 Kates***  CINCINNATI -7.5 Rutgers - I really like betting on Cincy.  They just give me a good feeling.  Rutgers, on the other hand, has fallen into the toilet and they're crying for someone to help them out.  It won't be this season.  Go Bearcats.  And go Mike Mickens.
LOSS - Yep.  "Feel" bad picks and you'll make bad picks.

***4 Kate Beckinsales***  OKLAHOMA -6 (bought point) Texas - I picked OU and UF to hit the championship this year.  While technically the Gators are still in it, I think the Sooners roll over everyone in their way, including Colt "I like to run now!" McCoy.  Watch Colt's passing percentage drop like the stock exchange while Boomer Sooner shows them what men look like.
LOSS - Ain't sweating this one.  OU had it in the bag, but anything and everything happened in this game and it was fun to watch, at least.

***4 Beckinsales***  BYU -23 New Mexico - I'm riding the Mormons until they fail me.  In 2008, always bet on Joseph Smith, know what I'm sayin?  Besides, they helped coin my angry phrase---"Jesus Christ of the Latter Day Saints, would you learn how to throw the ball?!?!"  A cookie to whoever knows who I'm talking about.
LOSS

***4 Kate Beckinsales***  Kansas State -3 TEXAS A&M - This one confuses me, but I'm shoving the fear out of my mind and putting heavy green on the Wildcats.  The Aggies SUCK this year.  Mike Sherman was average in Green Bay, and all he's gonna be is average at College Station.  Right now, he's below average, and I want to take advantage of that.  K State gives up a ton of yards, but I feel like this is their game to get back on track.
WIN

***5 Beckers***  GEORGIA -12 Tennessee - Look.  Fulmer is slowly losing his job, Eric Berry is slowly losing his mind being the only guy that shows up, the Dawgs are mad at Alabama, they've had two weeks to prepare, they finally realize the color of jerseys doesn't fucking matter, and Crompton will have no idea how to handle their defense.  I don't see how the Vols handle a mad, fast, vengeful Bulldog team, at home, that still wants a piece of the MNC.  Risky 5 star game, but hey...THATS HOW I ROLL.
PUSH - Challenge rules dictate that pushes are indeed wins, although unfortunately sportsbook does not feel the same way.

Joker's Week 6 Picks

Someone on rivals.com had this as his signature a while back.  I kept it for...ah...to uh...to show it to you in the future!  And the future is here!  Hoo wah!  I think if you click on it it'll get bigger (that's what she said!).

Kates through Week 5:

5 Beckinsales - 3-3
4 Beckinsales - 8-4
3 Beckinsales - 5-4
2 Beckinsales - 6-7
1 Beckinsales - 3-5

Joker/Walter Challenge as of Week 5:

Joker - 10-5
Walter - 8-7

Too tired to explain the picks, so I'll just throw em out there and add another picture at the end to "bring up the rear", so to speak (challenge picks in blue):

Cincinnati -3.5 MARSHALL - ***1 Kate
WIN - Throwing a go route at Mickens?  Please.

UConn +7 NORTH CAROLINA - ***1 Kate
LOSS - More TOP + 112 more yards - 3 INT (1 for TD) - punt blocked (for TD) + 10 penalties = losing a game you should have won.  And losing me money.  F*cking Big East.

BYU -28.5 UTAH STATE - ***2 Beckinsales
LOSS - Nice 4th quarter there, jackoffs.

Minnesota -7 INDIANA - ***2 Kates
WIN - Indiana seems to be Indiana again.

West Virginia -13.5 RUTGERS - ***3 K Becks
LOSS - Does not appear to be my day as of 2:30pm.

Ball State -8 TOLEDO - ***3 Beckinsales
WIN - Don't sleep on balls...tate.

Kansas -13 IOWA STATE - ***4 Kates
LOSS - Boy that Big XII and their defense.

Mizzou -10.5 NEBRASKA - ***4 Kate Becks
WIN - This one was kinda easy.

Florida -25 ARKANSAS - ***5 Beckinsales
WIN - Thank you Urban "I Cover When I Win" Meyer

---GAME OF THE WEEK---

South Carolina +2.5 MISSISSIPPI - ***5 Beckinsales
WIN - Woot. 

Week Lucky Number 5 Picks

Yeah, I told her to wear red last night to the Cracker Barrel cuz she looks decent in it.  Hmm...need to detail my Range Rover.

This week is full of high home lines, so be prepared to be on the underdogs this week.  Things aren't as bad as last year, where it seemed like all the favorites were being taken down from week to week.  But this might be one of "those weeks" where it does happen in '08.  At least, that's what I'm banking on.  And believe me, I'm never one to take an underdog just to do it; in fact, I am grossly in favor of the favorite from week to week.  It's just that the odds...they just look a little too high this time around.  Fuggit, time to take some risks.  Hey, rubbin's racin', nowutimean?

Besides, if you've been listening to me, you're only up 70%, so look to someone else if you'd rather lose money.  Ooo burrrn.

Lets have my up-to-date Kates through Week 4 please...

5 Beckinsales - 2-3
4 Beckinsales - 8-2
3 Beckinsales - 3-3
2 Beckinsales - 3-7
1 Beckinsales - 2-3

...thank you.  And now the Joker/Walter Challenge score through Week 4...

Joker - 8-2
Walter - 6-4

And now, let the fun begin.  Or the hell, whichever the merciful gods have in store for me (challenge picks in blue):

Maryland +11 CLEMSON - Clemson hasn't shown me shit.  Did I not tell you Cullen Harper was overrated?  How the hell did everyone in the media jump on him like he was the next coming of Christ?  How are you gonna be a consistent quarterback with a coach like Tommy Bowden and a nose like Nomar?  To date, CH has 3 TDs and 4 INTs.  Speaks for itself.  Davis is averaging 5.7 yards and Spiller 6.4 yards each carry, yet somehow they still look 'meh'.  I hope the Terrapins beat them outright. ***1 Kate Beckinsale, cuz they could surprise me this week and actually nut up.
WIN

Idaho +11 SAN DIEGO STATE - SDSU sucks.  Idaho sucks, but they have a certain "something" about them.  The Vandals are used to traveling cuz nobody knows where Idaho is anymore, so the home crowd won't mean a thing, and they always can manage to put up a few points.  Aaand the cappa---Arizona demolished Idaho last week, making this line seem legit.  Take advantage, cuz like I said, the Aztecs suck.  Not the real Aztecs, they kicked ass.  ***1 Kay Beck.
LOSS

Western Kentucky +21.5 KENTUCKY - The Wildcats just aren't the same team as last year, and this game being an in-state rival, I can't see taking a three-touchdown-plus line in favor of the usual boring Kentucky we're all used to seeing.  I see the Hilltoppers sticking around in a 37-27 type game. ***1 Kate Beck.
LOSS

OREGON STATE +25.5 Southern Cal - This is a simple formula...if it works.  USC is supposed to destroy the rest of their opponents.  They are the best team in the nation, they are ranked #1, they always get the best athletes, it's all finally coming together, they can do no wrong, etc etc.  Thankfully, we live in the real world, and nobody is always on their A-game.  This is their first Crap 10 opponent of the year, the Beavers are always tough (you must be picking the wrong girls!), and this is on the televised unpredictable Thursday night game.  This is a chance to snag a couple dollars going against the Trojans for once.  ***2 Becks.
WIN

Western Michigan -3.5 TEMPLE - Okay, Temple dicked me over last week when the Nittany Criminals whacked them, so now I'm going against them in favor of a quality team in the Broncos.  Think of WMU as the yankee version of Southern Miss for me.  They usually get it done, quietly, and make you some money.  ***2 Kates.
WIN

Alabama-Birmingham +24.5 SOUTH CAROLINA - The ol' Ball Coach is walking a dangerously thin line before his team just straight gives up in the middle of a game.  How can you develop any kind of trust if you're just gonna yank a kid whenever you feel like it?  The Gamecock QBs walk into the huddle hoping not to mess up instead of standing tall and getting the job done.  Meanwhile, UAB has nothing to lose, has decent athletes, and can put up a fair amount of points.  If the Cocks were clicking, I'd stay away from this line.  But something is amiss down in Columbia, and it reeks of stale visor.  ***2 Beckinsales.
WIN

Mississippi State +24 LSU - Georgia Tech beat the hell out of the Dogs.  LSU just beat Auburn.  It's a night game in the most dangerous stadium in America (literally and figuratively).  I'm sure everyone is banking on the Tigers.  I'm leaning the other way, knowing Croom has a legit defense and WILL get them fired up for Saturday night.  Meanwhile, The Hat could get caught looking ahead to Florida next week.  ***3 Kate Beckinsales.
WIN

Alabama +7 GEORGIA - This is one of those "who the hell knows" types of games.  My best friend is getting married on Saturday, intersecting with the start of this game, and as best man, my toast to him in front of hundreds will be "Love you dude.  It's been real.  Now where's the TV."  I'm taking Bama's focus over Georgia's athletes.  ***3 Kates.
WIN

TEXAS A&M -28.5 Army - I did have Army on this one, but the Golden Knights are god awful this year.  Bad losses to Temple, New Hampshire, and Akron equates to the 12th Man at Kyle Field making them piss their pants and lay a goose egg while the Aggies get back on track.  ***3 Beckinsales.
LOSS

WAKE FOREST -16 Navy - Wake is a quality team, who beat another quality team in FSU.  Not sure people give the Seminoles enough credit, which means they don't give the Demon Deacons (best mascot name ever, btw) enough credit this week, which means you take advantage of this line and watch a good team dismantle a bad team. ***4 Kate Beckinsales.
LOSS

Pittsburgh -15.5 SYRACUSE - This one is simple.  Syracuse is so bad, the line went up half a point while I was betting on it.  I'm not joking.  Just like last year, I'll continue to bet against the Orangewomen until they field a competitive football team.  ***4 Kate Becks.
LOSS

***PICK OF THE WEEK***

South Florida -8.5 NC STATE - This is another line that was influenced by last week.  NC State's overtime upset of ECU and FIU's good gameplanning and close score against the Bulls has made this line incredibly low (in my humble opinion, merciful gods).  Mike Ford is back to full strength as of last week, scoring twice, and he's only part of a four-headed rushing attack.  NC State played over their heads last week, and things will quickly snap back into reality when Matt Grothe makes them look foolish on the ground and in the air. ***5 Kate Beckinsales.
WIN