The Joker Report

'09 Week 13 Pick 'Em

Who's been naughty this year?  Becks has been naughty this year.  In this picture she's telling Santa Clause that she wants me for Christmas, but she's almost too shy to say it.  I gotta say, I can't blame her.  I'm a huge star down South.  Of course, 'star' and 'redneck' are interchangeable sometimes, but you get what I'm puttin' down.

I'm doing something new this week (you don't say?!),and I'm counting on my fellow bloggazeers (professional speak---don't question me) to make me some money.  Yes, I will put $100 total of my own real-life-smells-like-pretty-girls cash on these picks---ten bucks on each game.  Yep, ol' Jokeroo puts his money where his mouth is.  And where other people's mouths are, but we won't get into all that.

By now you've heard the awesome groove I have going, yes no?  You may be wondering why, of all the videos in the entire world, I played this one.  It's not reflective of a masculine person, nor does it scream out "football site".  But you know what, that's why you like this place.  You can be comfortable watching weird 80s videos with feathered bangs held perfectly in place with a headband, all the while being mesmerized by the terrible terrible black sequined outfit.  Okay, so that's not the best example.  At least you can take solace in the fact that Olivia Newton John is hot as balls (or...was), and she's looking at you---yes, YOU---while she serenades about magic and destiny and dreams.  I mean come on, name me one other blog that will let random people spend his money while playing 80s tunes and chatting you up on your favorite vice.  You can't.  O'Doyle fucking rules.  Besides, it has nothing to do with the fact that she looks like a chick who I should have pow-pow-power wheeled when she still lived in town a few years ago.  Nevermind the fact that I could see it in her eyes and I did nothing like the queer I am, and now she's married with a child somewhere out west.  Wait, what?  Where are we?  Close the door, I don't like you seeing me like this!!!

*uncomfortable silence*

Ahem...the picks will be explained and listed in order so you know what's going on.  Some folks will post their article later in the week, which will include their pick for me, so check back here on Friday and Saturday to see the whole list intact and marvel at what a delicious concept this is.  Just to make it fun, I won't even tell my blogies (besties?) that I'm using their best bet unless they read this article beforehand.  THAT is how much faith I have in my cyber buds.  $10 worth of faith.  Each.  I have an indoor money tree, in case you were wondering.  Not as fruitful as the outside ones, but it's useful nonetheless. Kinda like a ficus, except it only produces singles that are glittery and smell like strippers.

Let the show begin--but first, a double dose!  Why I didn't think of this beforehand, I'll never know, but Kate AND Cheryl will adorn my loveable blog this week! 

Everybody wins!  And hopefully my sportsbook account wins, too, because I'll need both these ladies' full allotment of magic to cover these ten risky picks.  Did you say Magic?  That's what Olivia is singing!  Damn you Joker and your BRILLIANT themes!!

1. Joker's 5 Star Pick (3-2 last week) - Central Florida -3 UAB
WIN

2. Racer X's 5 Star Pick (1-4) - GEORGIA TECH -7 (bought 1/2 point) Georgia
LOSS

3. AUJclayton's 5 Star Pick (4-1) - Florida State +24.5 FLORIDA
LOSS

4. Breck's 5 Star Pick (2-3) - Navy -9.5 HAWAII
LOSS

5. Random Female's 5 Star Pick (4-1) - DUKE +4.5 Wake Forest
LOSS

6. Computer System's 5 Star Pick (4-1) - Washington State +26 WASHINGTON (10.33 point differential)
LOSS

7. 5 Star Home Dog at Night Pick (3-2) - KENTUCKY +3 Tennessee
LOSS

8. Chicago Kid's Highest Rated Pick (3-2) - Tennessee -3 KENTUCKY (welp, there goes my chances to make 10 for 10...unless UT wins by a FG, then drinks are on me!)
WIN

9. Walter Football's Highest Rated Pick (2-3) - Notre Dame +10 STANFORD
WIN

10. The Blanket Always Covers Highest Rated Pick (3-2) - Temple -3 OHIO
LOSS

Y'all better bring the funk (and luck), or I'm liable to punch a moose.  I sincerely hope everyone enjoys a good holiday with friends and family this week.  And don't fret---more Iron Bowl discussion will commence after this post.  And be sure to comment on the score prediction post, whenever I decide to put that up.  Stay tuned.

Bonus Ashley Greene in a bikini picture!  Why?  Why the hell not?!

Kate Beckinsale, Cheryl Tweedy, Ashley Greene, and Olivia Newton John.  Hottie overload.  Let's see if that entices the gambling gods.  If not, sorry, I'll have to post pics of David Beckham and Johnny Depp, cuz the gambling gods are clearly women.

'09 Week 12 Pick 'Em

So I went back and checked who the chica was on my 4-1 weekend, and of course, it was Cheryl Tweedy.  I mentioned before the season started that I may need a change from Becks to the Tweed.  Granted Kate gave me a 3-2 weekend last outing, but that's not enough.  5 is my lucky number, Cheryl didn't bother buttoning a damn thing until button #5, and I honestly want 5-0 from here on out.  So that is this week's theme---five or bust.  Or in Tweedy's case, five AND bust.  Hiyo!!

So Cheryl is gracing the JR this week, and though she actually is in an all-girl band...do you really want  to hear that?  Take it Robin Gibb!  "No...no I don't."  So I went old school on you, and since I already know you like it, there's really not much more to say in my two-paragraph greeting.  Although let me steal one of Rob's lines for my opponents this week: "He missed.  I hit.  And that's the end of it."  Onwards!

Now, go visit these cats and bump up their page views:

Chicago Kid (still leads, I think)
Walter
Blanket

So this week I called upon Tweeds, Rob And Rock, and Ralph Tresvant.  That's correct, the mighty New Edition man himself.  I listened to Sensitivity over and over again while I did my picks, because a) it's pimp and b) it's pimp.  I usually write out all the choices I think are decent options, and at the end I whittle them down to five.  Well this time, at the end, I had already either starred or checked five games, so I'm in the zone.  Let it be known:

***2 Tweedys***  MIAMI-OHIO +2.5 Buffalo - The Bulls have come along lately, but that doesn't penetrate my force field of Redhawk knowledge.  Aside from the first two brutal games for such an inferior talent level, MIami-Ohio has hung in just about every game and has been close or covered most games as well.  I would assume most folks see Turner Gill when they see this matchup---and nothing else.  Hawks keep it close, and possibly win.  Not adamant about that, hence only the 2 Tweedys, but you have to stick your neck out at this point in the season if you want any glory.
WELLLLLLL SHIT.  LOSS.

***3 Tweedys***  Rutgers -8.5 SYRACUSE - I am going by a simple formula with this one.  Rutgers is 7-2 with their only losses coming to an undefeated Cincy team and 1-loss Pitt team, the latter by only a touchdown.  If you watched any of the South Florida beatdown last week, you could see before your eyes true frosh Tom Savage coming into his own.  He's going to be a heckuva signal-caller up in Joisey, and he'll probably show out against the Orangemen.
LOSS

***4 Tweedys***  EAST CAROLINA -10 Alabama-Birmingham - The Pirates have found their groove and this line is dictated by the Blazers beating up on Memphis last week.  Don't buy into that shit, ECU will beat their ass.
WIN

***2 Tweedys***  Duke +20 (bought 1/2 point) MIAMI - Honestly, that's just too many points to give David Cutcliffe against Randy Shannon.  Last week UNC gained momentum and eventually rolled, but I have a feeling Miami will be overly confident (Miami?  Cocky?  Nuh uh!) and they could actually lose straight up in this contest.  Obviously they have the talent to dominate, but are their heads in it?  I'm betting on no.
WIN

***4 Tweedys*** UCF -19.5 Tulane - You might think 20 points is a lot to take, but the Golden Knights are at home and Tulane is just awful.  I'm shaking my head at how awful they are.  I would point out some statistical measures for you, but it seems like every time I do that, bad voodoo emerges.  How about THEY LOST TO RICE.  Does that do it for ya?  Yes, they lost to a Chinese crop.  And now they're supposed to hang with a glowing and valuable group of medieval soldiers on horseback?  POPPYCOCK!
WIN

As for who picks this week, I'm fairly certain all the humans will be participating, but I don't know about my boys yet.  Maybe if the week is slow I'll let them increase their lead over Blanket and Racer X :)  Ha, I know they hate to read that.  In the meantime, check back during the week for all the new picks, and of course, go visit your neighborhood bloggers instead of those mean ol' multinational websites.  Sorry, watched another one of those food documentaries that make you feel like you're cheating death everytime you chew.

Oh yeah, I'm trying to get 100 followers of JR on facebook---I currently have 74.  Sign up, my lovelies! 

'09 Week 11 Pick 'Em

Perfection.  That's the name of the game this week.  I'm going back to the well this time, fellas.  Kate trumps them all, and I'm counting on her to bring me 5-0 luck this week.  Man...it's like that split second before a kiss.  Me likey.  Me wanty.  Me no getty anything close to it.  Sigh.  **rubs Cheetohs crumbs off shirt**

In case you were wondering, I randomly found this song and I'm digging it.  Very Depeche Mode-ish.  Korn's Jonathan Davis is in it, then I saw DJ Von Douche who looks a lot like Bobby Light, so I had to post it here.  Plus it has hot women in costume, so that's an obvious reason to keep it.  Hope it adds to the mojo factor, too.  Maybe I'll start posting vids with the picks if it proves to be lucky.

As for who leads who, I think Chicago Kid still drives the car, but I'll let him do the math.  I know everyone is disappointed in last week's effort, so look for some atonement from all the boys this time around---the Kid, Walter, Blanket, Racer X, AUJclayton, and new nose-pickers this week, Breck and JVega$.

So, as I alluded to in my Sunday Thoughts post, everyone who participated in Pick 'Em last week sucked donkey balls.  I think we went 6-28-1 collectively, which is about as good as my chances of bedding Becks.  But by God, it all changes this week.  Sure, I've had thoughts of hanging them up and saying "fuggit, I'm out", but misery loves company, and the fact that we all suck so badly kinda makes me want to stick to it.  It's like laughing at your own failures...sometimes you have to.  Or in the case of AUJclayton, you just avoid mirrors altogether.  Hiyo!!!

While I remember, big ups to El Matteo, loyal Joker Report reader from the jump.  He didn't realize it at  the time, but he is now being (somewhat) immortalized in avatars and signatures around the college football forums.  Not because he did anything special, only that he happened to be an extra in the Julio show.  Pretty cool, Matt, pretty cool.

Take it, Paul Simon!  Goodbye to Tigers, I'm drinking Coronas...I see you Matt and Julio down by the schoolyard!

I'm going to have fun this week.  I'm not going to worry about trends, stats, or any of that shit.  When I see two teams, I'm going to use my patented Jokertelligence and spit out winners left and right.  Call it luck.  Call it intuition.  Call it perfection.  See what I did there?  I used a main theme, *perfection*, in the intro, then came around full circle.  I excelled in English class, what can I say.

Hark!  Alas!  Thine picks be shown!

***4 Beckinsales***  Clemson -7 NC STATE - I've been a big advocate of CJ Spiller since I first saw his explosive athleticism as a freshman.  Couple that with Bama alum Dabo Sweeney, and I wondered how they struggled so often earlier in the season.  Fast forward to now, and not only is CJ in Heisman talks, but the Tigers have reeled off 4 W's in a row.  The Wolfpack have Russell Wilson aaaand....that's it.  Look for the purple and orange to carry their momentum on thru this weekend.
WIN

***4 Beckinsales*** Virginia Tech -16.5 MARYLAND - Psh.  Maryland can't hang with Ryan Williams.  Hell, he might get 200+ yards on them.  And what's Maryland going to do, score on Tech?  Highly unlikely they get out of single digits.  Nuff said, yo.
WIN

***2 Beckinsales*** Idaho +30 BOISE STATE - The Broncos are a badass team.  But as I've said before, they tend to play better games on the road, and let's not forget that Idaho once had the WAC's best defense.  The Vandals have slipped up a ton lately, but if they can't get up for this game, something is wrong.  Nothing would make their day than taking down the WAC kings and their damned blue turf.  30 points is a lot to cover---and believe me, BSU can cover easily---I just think everyone is due for a slip up game, so I'm rolling the dice with this one.
LOSS

***5 Beckinsales*** Auburn +4.5 GEORGIA - Whaaaaaaaaat?!  FIVE Becks on AUBURN?!  Yep.  Think of it this way, Gus Malzahn versus Mike Bobo.  A genius versus an idiot.  Both defenses blow ass.  But all the Tigers have to do is focus on doubling/bracketing/killing AJ Green, whereas the Bulldogs have to focus on Ben Tate, Darvin Adams, Terrell Zackery, and Mario Fannin.  It's a common perception here in this state that betting on either Bama or Auburn is just downright silly, but Auburn IS the better team.  I'll take those points, too, thanks.  Warm Beagle, HEY!!
LOSS

***3 Beckinsales*** SOUTH CAROLINA +15 Florida - I told Matt earlier in the year that Florida State would knock off the Gators.  This will not be so, considering Christian Ponder is out for the year partially because of getting trucked by DeAndre McDaniel.  McDaniel baits him into the pick, then points at him on the return as if to say "youz ma bitch", before clashing with Ponder and destroying his soul...and his season.  But when I saw this Gamecock game, I INSTANTLY thought upset special.  Florida are NOT the world beaters they were last season, and though they may have gotten a tad better as of late, I think the ol' Ball Coach will rally his troops and throw everything he's got at Urban Meyer.  Look for Eric Norwood to spy Tim Tebow, and if things fall right, Florida could be looking down the barrel of a gun in the 4th quarter. 
WIN

Ahhhh.  5 more picks done and accounted for---and holy shit, I picked three underdogs without realizing it.  I feel good.  But then again, I always do, and you've seen the results lately.  College football is a hot mess right now, so wager carefully my good friends.  Stay tuned for all the other picks.  JVega$, just email me your article and I'll take care of the rest.

'09 Week 10 Pick 'Em

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Pussycat Dolls.  Now I'm sure the majority of y'all like Nicole Somethingorother in the middle, but my "deal" is with Kimberly Wyatt, chick on the far left.  First of all, I like women who have something to make them stand out, so her hair does that.  If you look punk, but you're really not, then I'm diggin on you.  Weird hair, random piercing, dark eyeshadow, whatever...I'll notice.  Secondly, she knows tits aren't everything.  She's working with what God gave her, and she still looks great.  Thirdly, she has the best legs of the five.  They may look a little thick to some of you nimrods, but believe me, I know legs.  And dancer's legs are toned, tight, and flexible...marinate on that for a second or two.  If you still don't understand, I'll give you the answer in another picture later.  But don't get ahead of yourselves---this is fair warning, I must use a warning/disclaimer before posting the other picture, so you should probably take your time and read this article for the health and welfare of your own penis and desires.  It'll make sense later.

Chicago Kid: 25-19-1

Joker: 24-21

Walter: 20-24-1

Blanket: 1-3-1

My Pick 'Em choices came to me pretty quickly this week, even though I said I'd take my time.  I always go down the list and go with my first instinct---but the problem is, I think too much about them over the next few days, and that's where I Plaxico myself.  So I threw on some Scorpions, took a bath (that's how I roll sometimes---piss off), and the five choices came pretty easily with the help of some German rock and bubbles.  I'm also thinking of not using real money this weekend in the hopes that karma will give me a break, because my ego is bigger than my wallet, and it sure could use some fixing.  Alas, here we go:

TEXAS -36.5 Central Florida - I just watched UCF play Marshall at home on Sunday night.  The Herd beat their ass all game and gave it away in the end.  Not only have the Knights used all their energy up beating Marshall, they have one less day---and travel time---to rest and heal up for an old fashioned Texas-sized ass whipping.  For some reason, this season I've been shy seeing the higher lines, but it's balls out this week.  I think Texas easily beats the spread, hands UCF a 56-3 beatdown, and garners enough media attention to stay at #2, regardless of a possible Bama win against LSU.
LOSS

IOWA -16.5 Northwestern - I think Indiana lit a fire under the Hawkeyes that will carry over into the Northwestern game.  No longer will they wait until the 4th quarter to get their shit together, or their season will be over when they meet the Buckeyes on the 14th.  I feel like they got their last scare out of them (for now), and the guys are focused on getting the job done now.  The Wildcats have played dick all season up until Penn State last weekend, and after the Nittany Lions threw some uppercuts, they're staggering back waiting for Iowa to knock them out.
LOSS

Troy -24 WESTERN KENTUCKY - Troy's total offense: 6th.  WKU's total defense: 120th.  In fact, the only decent thing the Hilltoppers have going for them is a good punting game (lots of practice), and a decent rush game (garbage time yards, perhaps).  I don't want to get into specifics and type all this shit out, but the rest of WKU's ranks look like this: 114, 108, 105, 119, 120, 120, 119, 115, 96, 109, 120, 116, 111.  Go Trojans.
LOSS

SMU -17.5 Rice - The Rice Owls are just plain bad this year.  They're 1-6-1 against the spread, and for good reason: they're 120th in the country in scoring defense, aka dead last.  Adding to this bubbly elixir is June Jones...remember him?  Yes, Mr. Hawaii Spread.  He's implementing that down in University Park, Texas, and currently they have the 18th best passing offense in CFB.   Rice's pass defense?  108th.  It's a home game for SMU, they're coming off a win @ Tulsa, and they'll get into the zone versus the hapless Krispie Treats.
LOSS

Oklahoma -6 NEBRASKA - A couple facts for this game:

Bo Pelini is a hell of defensive mind.
Sam Bradford is done for the year.
Jermaine Gresham is done for the year.
Backup QB Landry Jones set an Oklahoma record already this year, throwing 6 TDs in one game.
Kansas State putting up 30 points last week dictated this line.

Put it this way, remember the OU/UT game?  When Bradford got hurt early, and they still almost pulled off the W?  Would Texas only be favored by 6 over Nebraska?  Hell no.  Add to that the little things like turnover margin (28th vs. 89), punting for field position (18th vs 105th), and that "Big Game" Bob Stoops has more pull in these games than in the actual big games.  Oklahoma is just stronger overall at this stage in Pelini's Husker renovation, and I think the Sooners win by double digits.
LOSS

Other picks I may or may not choose to put some flow on:

Duke +9 NORTH CAROLINA LOSS
Kent -3 AKRON LOSS LOSS
Washington +4.5 UCLA  WIN
TENNESSEE -26 Memphis WIN

And I eliminated the following two picks I initially had posted, which means they should win easily:

CINCINNATI -16.5 UConn LOSS
Brigham Young -13 WYOMING WIN

So there they are.  All I can say is that those are my picks, and I stand by them.  I'm not worried about Vegas racking up on everyone lately---I can't.  My confidence is still there, so let's hope this LSU weekend that so many things that are up in the air come down smoothly and quietly...like dolla dolla bills, y'all.

Now, as for that second pic, here comes the warning.  There are three "women" in this next picture.  Do yourself (and your dick) a favor, and only concentrate on the middle one.  Out of the kindness of my heart, I am helping you to avoid future sexual issues in the future.

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Ready?  Now keep in mind, only focus on the middle girl, and remember this is the answer to why girls with great legs can be fun...

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Sure, I could have cut and pasted only Kim from this picture, and looking back on it, I should have.  Cuz I already know you have completely ignored my advice, stared those two other girls up and down, not really sure what to make of it, and then BOOM!  Bulges.  Yep, you just stared at two man poles.  Two Buffalo Bills.  Two "it puts the lotion in the basket"s.  But if you think about it, it makes Kimberly look even hotter, so that's a plus.  The effortless flex, the black stockings, the cute face...man, I just want to bite those legs and look for candy or blueberry filling to come out.  Seriously, the girl is amazing, and I would like to make her some babies if she would kindly accept this as my proposition.  I'll wait at least three weeks for her answer, cuz I'm a fair man.

Man, what other blogger out there gives you drag queens in a somehow acceptable way?  And what other blogger brags as if that's somehow cool?  THIS GUY.

All right fellow gamblers and gamblerettes, I say we reach out and touch Kenny Rogers for a little luck this week.  Anything could help at this point.  See ya soon, good people of earth.

'09 Week 9 Pick 'Em

I don't think it's possible for any straight man to look at Gemma Atkinson here and say something negative.  She's like comic book hot, where the curves seem somehow proportionate to the slim belly, and the hair flows like a shampoo commercial.  Man, she'd make a killer Harley Quinn.  Somebody get Christopher Nolan on the phone.  Easy bandaid for the loss of Heath and the Joker---get a hot bitch to be Joker's girl on screen, and make the plot all about her intent to avenge his death.  Somebody pay me millions of dollars for that.  Please.

Chicago Kid: 24-15-1

Joker: 22-18

Walter: 18-21-1

I really don't like typing out "Week 9 Pick 'Em".  Every time I write one of these articles, it's just another notch closer to depression and *gasp* basketball, where the players are paid like money comes from trees.  Speaking of notches, in the middle of writing this I just "un"notched my pajamas from the top button.  If that doesn't make me feel better about myself, on elastic freakin' waistband pajamas, I don't know what will.  Ugh, pass the gravy.

So my prediction of having a poor pick em week turned out to be better than my actual picks.  Eh, such is life, at least I warned you ahead of time.  I have a feeling lots of guys and gals out there lost some major coin, and I also have a feeling those same knuckleheads will let that jar their decision-making process this week.  Don't let those Vegas gods get to ya.  Stick to what you know and bid confidently.  Here, let me show ya ;)

This week I will have my usual 5 picks highlighted for the Walter/Joker/Chicago Kid challenge, but I'm going to add some more picks to that that I'll also be putting a few peanuts on.  I felt like I limited myself this past weekend, so I feel like if I really back X number of picks, then why not bet on them?  Not to mention, I see great odds all over the place this week, so I think the public will make some money this weekend on CFB and start losing in the NFL once they start bumping those spreads to 20 for Indy and New England.  Bet.  Anyway, without further ado, my picks with something either hot or funny in between every one (challenge picks in blue):

Ohio -7 BALL STATE - This is the type of game I usually do well on, because I don't take last week's results as gospel.  Ohio just had a shitty week, and Ball State beat an 0-fer Eastern Michigan team.  So that means Ohio is only a touchdown better team than the Cardinals?  Well fuck no.

(Becks in a mini-skirt and thigh highs, holding hands with some other slut?  Please kick your faggoty husband out of the picture, tie your shirt up in a knot, hold a glass of bourbon and coke in one hand and a Sam Adams in the other, and you pretty much have my fantasy mapped out.  Oh wait, we need to have sex too, so fit that in there.)

***4 Gemmas***  Miami -7 (bought 1/2 point) WAKE FOREST - So Clemson beat Miami.  So?  You don't think Jacory can beat up this non-Demon-Deacon-like team?  Fine, don't bet on them.  In the meantime, the drinks will be on Joker Smoker.

(Courage Wolf.  I laughed for a good five minutes at this.)

***4 Gemmas***  Western Michigan +2.5 Kent State - The easy "last week means dick" formula.  One team played like shit, the other played very well.  It's so easy, a caveman can do it, but your average bettor can't because logic and reason of the latest week clouds their judgment.  Wait, logic and reason isn't good for betting?  Holy shit, I bet women and Tennessee fans make a killing off Vegas.  Hiyo!

(Believe it or not, this woman is competing in the Miss 50 Pageant---the bitch is 50 years old!)

***3 Gemmas***  UTEP -8 Alabama-BIrmingham - UAB sucks.  I've told you that a couple times.  UTEP is starting to come into their own under Mike "It's Rollin' Baby" Price, and they should cruise at home against the underachieving Blazers.

Georgia +16 Florida - Not a "true" underdog considering the venue is in Jacksonville (i.e. the city that kills NFL teams), but I just can't rationalize the Gators blowing out such a fierce rival and competitor.  Whereas I see Trent Richardson as Bama's wildcard (notice the lack of TR lately, and the close scores...hmmm), I see the same in AJ Green.  Joe Haden and Janoris Jenkins are two great corners, but they aren't 6'5" and Florida isn't playing like they did in 2008.  To be honest, if Urban and his baby son Tebow don't get their shit straight, you're looking at an upset.  Hey, it can happen, and what's better, it's the 2:30 CBS game---meaning Terry Manuelson and Burt Sunkist will be mispronouncing their names the entire time.  God, what hell.

MIAMI(OH) +6 Toledo - The Redhawks are slow starters.  This is relevant to the season and each game.  By this I mean they're kinda like dads who let their son win big in the beginning but start to creep up in the end to teach them the whole "persistence" lesson.  In fact, in this game, dad could teach his son the "how to lose graciously" lesson, cuz Toledo kinda sucks.  But statistically, Miami-Ohio sucks worse.  This is one of those gut picks, coupled with the home crowd...balls out.

California -6 ARIZONA STATE - State has some decent stats to back their cause, but Coach Erickson isn't in-depth with fundamentals or any of that shit that actually wins games, and there is no way they'll be able to contain Jahvid Best.  Stanford's great white hope RB Toby Gerhart gained 125 and a touch, so that black pride will start welling up inside Best if he starts getting stuffed, and I see Cal winning by 14 here.  What?  Just sayin' ain't no saltine gonna show up a brotha.

(Best legs EVER. CREATED.)

***4 Gemmas***  Georgia Tech -12 VANDERBILT - Hark, I hear an echo.  Vandy kept it close with South Carolina, so that means they'll give Tech's triple option attack a fighting chance.  Heeeeeeeeeeeeell no.  Be like a cornerback, folks---short term memory.  No thinking about the aberrations of last week.  Go with what you know so Vegas doesn't subconsciously fuck your brains out.  For cash.

***3 Gemmas***  HOUSTON -6.5 Southern Miss - I have a feeling the line is at 7 for one reason and one reason only---Southern Miss lost to Kansas, a similar high-speed spread offense team, by 7 points.  Other than Kansas, Southern Miss hasn't played DICK this year.  And they don't have their usual swag, either, that garners respect from the SEC teams they sometimes play.  I just don't understand how the world can't take Case Keenum and the #1 scoring offense against the Eagles here.  Even so, playing at home could be the extra field goal I need, just in case.

 

Central Michigan +5 BOSTON COLLEGE - My teams are usually Western Michigan and Southern Miss, because they slide under the radar from year to year.  This year, and AUJclayton caught on to this before me, the Chippewahs are my replacement for a subpar SMiss team, and they keep covering.  I have a feeling this is a "name" spread, meaning most of the betting public see a "lesser" opponent coming to big ol' mighty Boston College.  I gotta tell ya, Matt Ryan is gone, and the Eagles have used up all their energy trying to beat Notre Dame.  I doubt they take this game seriously (enough), nor will their fans, and CMich could wind up taking the whole shabang.

How about them apples?  A double dose of picks from yours truly, hoping I inspire all those still crying over empty wallets...or college funds, depending on how badly you're addicted to this shit...to man up and boldly put your money where your mouth is.  Just think, this is your chance to accumulate some bank so you can actually afford all those Christmas presents.  Or you could just not listen to me (subtle legal disclaimer) and spend potential gambling money on your presents now, meaning a) you won't have to do the last minute thing, b) you won't lose money if (HUGE IF) I'm wrong a lot this weekend, and c) you won't have to answer to your significant other when you rat me out as the reason to why your family has to move under the bridge for "just a couple weeks, hun, I pomise."

Almost finished---facebook me, yo!  Been meaning to do that for a while, my b-a-d.

And to top off this fantastic post, the coolest commercial ever:

'09 Week 8 Pick 'Em

My girl Aaliyah.  Thought about her the other day, so I'm going old school for this week's picks.  You realize it's been eight years since she passed?  Why would you take Aaliyah and Tupac and Michael Jackson?  I mean...can we replace those three with the Jonas Brothers?  Speaking of MJ, he might actually get me into a real movie theater with that This Is It flick.  Man...that is some serious talent from all three we don't have anymore.  Shit, now I'm thinking about Sean Taylor.  Moving on before I cry.

Chicago Kid: 21-14

Joker: 20-15

Walter: 17-17-1

Who wants a unique pick 'em experience?  YOU DO!  Who thinks the public is getting too caught up in the BCS race and all the major conferences?  I DO!  What do you get when you combine the two?  Secret shitty conference pick 'em!  Woot!  But seriously, after three straight days of picking and choosing from the entire Vegas list, I found the lesser-knowns to be easier on my stomach this week.  Kinda like crackers and Seven-Up when you have a tum-tum-tummy ache.  I settled on the following, so here's hoping I can keep the momentum in my favor instead of the other four nimrods playing this game...this very EXPENSIVE game:

***2 Aaliyahs***  MARSHALL -7 Alabama-Birmingham - UAB sucks this year.  Marshall has played some quality opponents and should be able to handle the Blazers at home.  UAB is 115th in total defense---if that means they can hold the Herd to only a 6 point victory, then I'll be a monkey's uncle.  I hope it's not Curious George.  Say, you know why Curious George's owner always wears that big yellow hat?  He has no fucking hair cuz ol' George stresses him out like whoa.  Curiosity killed the cat, but monkeys?  Nooooo.  Kinda makes me wonder if Dwight Yoakam has a pet monkey, too.  Man...I just dogged my favorite country singer, just for a laugh.  If I stoop this low, next thing you know I'll be posting videos of fat people falling down.  Word of the day - foreshadowing!!
WIN

***4 Aaliyahs***  Central Michigan -7 (bought half point) BOWLING GREEN - Let the other people pick the Falcons cuz of Mr. 22 Receptions vs Kent State.  Meanwhile, I'll pick the Chippewahs and their 39th ranked pass defense to handle Freddie Barnes while they rack up point after point with their 15th ranked scoring offense on a terrible BG defense.  Also, my cousin is a CMU alum, so go Chips!
WIN

***5 Aaliyahs*** WESTERN MICHIGAN -5 Buffalo - So because Central Michigan is the fun team to root for in the MAC, that means we'll just piss on the Broncos as if they're not good?  Believe me, I want to root for Turner Gill as much as possible, especially after Auburn missed a golden opportunity to hire him, but his Bulls ain't cutting the mustard this season.  Tim Hiller finally brings some long overdue comp to Buffalo and will beat them soundly.  Yes, play me like a drum!
LOSS(ouch)

***3 Aaliyahs***  OHIO -10 (bought half point) Kent State - It's Lou Holtz's alma mater.  Therefore, they're buried under years of sludge, slim, and fungus from all the saliva he's managed to spew trying to defend them.  Just like South Carolina and Notre Dame.  Therefore twice, they suck ass.  Therefore thrice, I'll paint you this scenario: 

• Ohio's kick returner leads the conference, so that's good for one score without even doing anything.
• Ohio is 7th in the nation in turnover margin, so that's good for (at least) one more score.
• While being up two scores without doing much, they'll have to defend the pass late.  Thankfully, they're 16th in the country in pass efficiency defense, and Kent State's passing offense is ranked 98th.  Uh ha uh ha, let me clear my throat NEEEEEXT.
  LOSS

***3 Aaliyahs***  Idaho +15 NEVADA - Ah, you were wondering where my underdog game was, weren't you?!  But you're probably thinking what the funkmaster flex is Joker smoking to take Idaho in ANY game, much less on the road in the bright lights of the Biggest Little City in the World? (Reno for you dumb fucks)  Well, not only do I always secretly watch the Vandals' progression each season, they are actually pretty good this year: 6-1 on the year!!  What else catches my eye?  Nevada has the #1 rushing offense in the nation, yet Idaho is #14 rush defense in the nation, and #1 in the WAC.  It's a battle of wills, and if you've followed Nevada at all, they're like a poor man's Georgia Tech, only passing if they seriously have to, and caving if anyone stops the ground game.  Oh yeah, and did I mention Idaho is 7-0 ATS this year?
LOSS

And that's not all, kids!  If you call in the next ten minutes, you get two FREE bonus predictions!!

***readers pick up Zack Morris-style cell phone, dial hurriedly***

(Hot-sounding lady from Sweet Emotion video): Hello and welcome to the Joker Report!  You have just called the free pick hotline!  We've been waiting for you.  Cue our handsome hero!

Hello loyal readers.  Before I even saw Racer X's post, I predicted his picks to go something like this:

-

Ohhh, don't be so quick to laugh at Racer's expense, my dear AUJ, for this is how I foresee your pick 'em week:

-

In the immortal words of, well, me...GOOOOOOOSH.  At least you got applause at the end. You should wear a brace next time, or maybe just stop dancing altogether. Either the floor or your knee was going to give out on that lunge. Must be oak.

Honestly speaking, one, two, or all damn five of us could possibly be going down this week.  We've all been doing so well, that I can just feel the bottom falling out.  It's the middle of the CFB season, and once you think you have everyone pegged, all sorts of madness and mayhem rises up.  Guess that's why they call it gambling.  Good luck, gentlemen, and godspeed!

'09 Week 7 Pick 'Em

I'll admit, unlike many of you, that I watched Laguna Beach from the start.  I also watched the Hills up until this season.  I gravitate towards bitches (don't ask), so I always preferred Kristin over LC.  But then Kristin left, LC became Lauren, and the Hills made me really start to enjoy Lauren.  So when I heard that Lauren was done with the show and was moving on, I was like iiight, fuck that show now.  But guess what those clever MTV execs did?  They brought back Kristin.  And in the first episode, her claws came out.  They should name it The McHills, cuz dah-dah-dah-dah-dah, I'm lovin it!!

And believe it or not, I would actually prefer Lauren now.  Sweet girl, even though the show's producers made it seem like she was a drama queen.  Ha, I like how I talk as if I had a chance.  If either was anywhere near me I'd be like Dave from Encino Man.  SHOOSH!!

You serious, Clark? It's frickin' Week 7 of the CFB season already?  It's not even cold yet! 
Halloween decorations are hardly up yet!  I haven't touched any of my (badass) soccer jackets yet!  I feel like I should be Billy Madison, grabbing all my readers' fat cheeks and imploring you each to cherish it.  CHERISH IT!! 

Chicago Kid: 17-13

Joker: 16-14

Walter: 13-16-1

So I've seen Racer's and AUJ's picks, and I must atone for their attempts to dethrone the king.  Each going 4-1 with the Chicago Kid really chaps my ass, so it's on like Donkey Kong now.  I studied the lines on Sunday.  Then again on Monday.  Then I realized I was 5 for 5 (my lucky number) on underdogs this year, so I even considered doing an "all-underdog" pick 'em week.  But I stuck with my formula of going with instinct, statistics, research, and gut.  And here, ladies and gentlemen, are my attempts to reclaim what is rightfully mine from the cold, clammy hands of the Chicago Kid:

***5 Conrads***  Ole Miss -21.5 UAB - Wow, starting off with a bang.  Rumors abound that Jevan Snead will be benched due to poor performance.  Um, for whom, exactly?  Nobody.  Jevan will come out blazing, Nutt will finally get the ball in McCluster's hands, and the stout Rebel defense will hold the Blazers' offense in check the entire game.  Should be a comfortable victory.
WIN

***4 Conrads*** Georgia -7.5 VANDY - You can all call the Bulldogs out and leave 'em for dead, but 18-21 year old kids are proud, and once they get on the field, they know girlfriends and mothers and scouts are all watching.  Which means UGA will pull themselves up, dust themselves off, and walk into Nashville singing this song, meaning the Commodores will get used and abused and left with Beechnut in their eyes.  And if that isn't reason enough, who the hell is supposed to cover AJ Green?
WIN

***3 Conrads***  Texas Tech +10 NEBRASKA - This one is simple...in my head, at least.  Nebraska isn't there yet, and as far as I can remember, the Raiders still have Mike Leach and Taylor Potts, correct?  I don't care if Pelini has been eyeing this for a month, you can only hold Texas Tech to a reasonable scoreboard amount if you are Joe Kines on a lucky day.  January 2nd, 2006 to be exact.  Even if Tech gets beat, they'll be airing it out in the end as usual, and keep it close.
WIN

***2 Conrads*** Kansas -10 COLORADO - I only bet 2 units on this, but it should have been more.  I feel like, if I were back in my (backyard) football playing days, that I could be a Todd Reesing.  Although I have better wheels.  Okay, let's be honest, I'd be more like Brandon Avalos, but THE POINT IS...Colorado looked decent against Texas (to start, anyway) because the Longhorns don't have a complete team anymore.  Like Racer alluded to, if you cover Jordan Shipley, Colt will most likely be in trouble.  And just because the Buffaloes scored a fair amount on Texas doesn't mean squat when it comes to the Jayhawks.  I think Reesing and the 'Hawks blow 'em out.
LOSS

***4 Conrads***  Miami -16 CENTRAL FLORIDA - To me, this line should be higher.  People seem to have cooled on the Canes and soon-to-be-megastar Jacory Harris, but the talent and athleticism of Miami paired with the calm, cool collected manner at which Harris operates will be too much for the Fighting Culpeppers to overcome.
WIN

That's it, kids.  Racer, AUJclayton, and Joker's picks all done by Tuesday, 1:30 am.  I will leave you with the video I will go to sleep to in T-minus 5 minutes.  Good night, all.

'09 Week 6 Pick 'Em

***3 Wildes***  Miami-Ohio +20 NORTHWESTERN - For my first underdog (whaaaat?!), I find this line highly enticing.  Considering I bet on Cincinnati last week to beat Miami-OH by 28, and they only covered 24, do you honestly think the Wildcats can cover 20?  Why is the line so high?  Because Northwestern just beat Purdue, and everybody must think that makes them world beaters for some reason.  Well this cat knows lowly Syracuse and Minny beat NW, so I'm pulling the trigger for the Redhawks to hang with them.
WIN

***5 Wildes***  Houston -2.5 MISSISSIPPI STATE - Another "victim" of last week, Houston is severely underrated because UTEP went balls out and beat them.  But the Bulldogs only 2.5 dogs???  How the hell is this line even possible?  I don't care if this is a red flag game.  I don't care if Vegas knows MSU will start Dan Marino and Eric Dickerson, and I'm the only dude in town that's oblivious.  You mean to tell me the #1 offense in the nation will only beat State by 2?  Fuck that.  Yes UTEP ran all over Houston last week and State will try the same, but these are grown ass men.  Take my money if you have to, but this is just too good to pass up.
WIN

***2 Wildes***  Arizona State -20 WASHINGTON STATE - Yes 20 points is a lot to take for the road team, but I'm 2 for 2 betting on Erickson's Devils, and I have a feeling I'll be 3 for 3.  Whereas Washington has taken steps to become better than last season, the Cougars....nnnnnot so much.  Their best offensive ranking is 94th---and even that is bloated, considering they have to pass from the whistle considering they're losing when they show up.  Even the underachieving Sun Devils can manage this cover in enemy territory.
LOSS

***2 Wildes***  Michigan +8 IOWA - Yes indeedy, I am actually taking two dogs this week.  The Big Ten is notorious for having undefeated teams show their true colors sooner or later, and it's time.  Tate Forcier will avenge last weekend's loss and leave Iowa City with a win.  The thing here is that people dismiss Arkansas State as just a Hawkeye stumble, claiming the victory over Penn State their true identity.  Bullshit, Ark State should have beaten them, and now the Wolverines will finish the job.
WIN

***4 Wildes***  Utah State -13 NEW MEXICO STATE - I've followed these teams this year, but only statistically.  Utah State is much better than their usual pushover team, and New Mexico State is decently terrible.  The big difference between the two is the level of competition each team has faced---the Ute Aggies have played Utah, Texas A&M, and BYU.  The NM Aggies have played one big pile of steaming shit, and only have two wins.
LOSS

I know you're probably surprised I didn't pick Bama.  I thought about it.  It's sitting at -6.5 right now, but you just never know with Houston Nutt.  But I will leave you with this doucheriffic guy that I happen to enjoy.  He's part college prick, part David Lee Roth...you never know when he's kidding or not, but it's a train wreck you simply can't stop watching.  I give you JT Bowtie:

'09 Week 5 Pick 'Em

Harken back to thine old college years with me.  You remember that guy, that everybody knew, but you only kinda knew?  You exchanged a few nice words, a few laughs, and you figured the guy a douche---until you saw his girlfriend show up at the party.  I picture the guy as a black-haired, tall, hairier-than-normal guy with daddy's money footing the bill for his M3 in the parking lot and his badass house close to the stadium.  I picture the girl looking like Krystal Forscutt above...pretty much to a T.  Remember that couple?  Yeah, me too.  Hopefully their cocaine addiction made them age 10 years and have ugly, baggy-eyed kids. 

What?  I'm just sayin.

Hello my fellow Jokers and Jokerettes!  I thoroughly hope you enjoyed the catfight between "Gacer X and "AUJGayton", because I got a lot of enjoyment out of it, myself.  Underneath all the fingernails and loose hair flying around, both sides still take the time to make good points, and something tells me it's not finished.  Something to keep an eye on.

I also hoped you enjoyed their picks, as well.  For amusement that is, for now it's time for your greasy greasy grandaddy to ascertain fat wallets and caviar dreams---although I've said it before, don't try to copy me and then come after me cuz I blew goats during Week So and So.  This is your legal warning AND your life lesson---tread your own path, grasshopper.  Humanity needs more leaders, not followers.

Challenge stats through Week 4:

Joker: 10-10

Chicago Kid: 9-11

Walter: 8-11-1

So I'm finally back to square one, maybe even up a couple units, but that's not good enough.  I need to "just put that hammer down and give it hell".  It shall be done:

***3 Forscutts***  NORTH CAROLINA -13 Virginia - North Carolinaaaa, come on and raise up!  I feel like the outcome to this game has been long overdue.  Virginia, as is Al Groh, is boring and terrible.  The Tarheels have yet to make use of their newfound talent that Butch Davis continues to bring in.  This is where the rubber meets the road.  If they can beat East Carolina by 14, surely they can beat someone who lost to William and Mary.  That's correct, Virginia lost to an old white couple.

***4 Forscutts***  Ole Miss -8.5 VANDERBILT - This one (to me) is easy.  EVERYONE (except me) has gone from blowing Jevan Snead to dumping him for Ryan Mallett.  It's not like he all of a sudden sucks---this is all Houston Nutt's fault.  Mr. Nutt loses games he should win once or twice a year because he's crazy like that.  It took him until the 4th quarter to realize "oh yeah, we have Dexter McCluster"...yet it was too late.  He won't make that mistake this time, and you better believe Jevan is pissed off.  Like royally pissed off and wants to make a statement, starting with the Commodores.  Wanna know why the line is so low?  Vandy's pass defense is ranked SECOND in the nation.  Take a look at who they played, laugh when you realize who the quarterbacks were, and keep on laughing to the bank.  I'll meet ya there.

***4 Forscutts*** Georgia Tech -6 MISS STATE - This is very similar to the Rebel game above.  Just because shitty LSU played poorly against Vandy and Mississippi State, that is reflecting in the vegas odds after the fact.  That means people are concentrating a wee bit too hard on LSU actually being the #4 team in the nation, and therefore inferior opponents being able to hang, instead of understanding that Jordan Jefferson was not ready this year and the Tigers have not been able to establish the run on anyone.  Couple this with the fact that there is NO WAY the Bulldogs will be able to stop---much less comprehend---the vastly underrated triple option attack that will be shoved down their throats by Paul Johnson.  Look for the cowbells to be ringing few and far between.

***3 Forscutts*** Cincinnati -28 MIAMI-OH - I bought a half point here, just in case, but I think the Bearcats are on a mission this year.  Last season Russell Wilson and Tony Pike's arms stood out to me, and the latter will showcase it this Saturday against the Red Hawks.  Not only is Tony an NFL prospect at 6'6", 210 (he needs to eat), which is good enough to cover the spread against the nations 92nd ranked total defense, but he's got to be just a little pissed off that 4 teams ranked ahead of them have a loss, while they're sitting at 4-0 and cruising through legit competition.  Look for all the talking heads at ESPN to start nominating Tony Pike for Heisman after this weekend's numbers.

***2 Forscutts*** Oregon State +5 ARIZONA STATE - I try to talk myself into taking underdogs each week, whether I want to or not.  So I'm taking the underachieving Beavers (aren't they all?) to surprise and beat the Sun Devils.  Unfortunately, Dennis Erickson has a habit of almost winning a big game (20-17 loss to Georgia last week), and then bombing on what should be another win the following week.  Maybe it's lack of preparation, maybe it's his lackadaisical attitude, or maybe this week it's because Jacquizz Rodgers will finally break out and re-emerge as the preseason Heisman frontrunner of yours truly.  I could be wrong, as it's just a two-'scutt, but I just have a feeling the Devils will have been chilling with all the ridiculously hot co-eds in Tempe this week, looking for condolences, instead of taking Oregon State seriously.

So there ya have it, gentlemen.  And if you're reading this on Wednesday, remember there is a La Tech/Hawaii game on tonight, two on Thursday, and two more on Friday.

'09 Week 4 Pick 'Em

Brunette - Check.
Dark eye shadow - Check.
Sexy black outfit - Check.
Knee highs on great legs - Check.  Ohhh man, check.

Ladies and Gents, with people like Cheryl Tweedy (Cole) above and Kate Beckinsale gracing these pages, I think it's obvious a trip across the pond should be in my future.  And yours, too.  God knows they won't scoff at a hearty beer and sports game like the women here.  Only trouble I foresee is the whole "let's treat our teeth like dogs in the ghetto" thing.  Yeah so...I think I'll stay put.

Through Week 3:

Joker: 6-9

Walter: 6-8-1

Chicago Kid: 6-9

How fucking sad are we?  We'll get back on track, belie' dat.  Commence the picks!!

-

***4 Beckinsales***  BYU -16.5 Colorado State - Line opened at -18, so I'm going against the grain (sweet).  I don't believe, for a second, that BYU is as bad as they played against Florida State NOR that the Rams win over Nevada means a damn thing.  You've got to expect Bronco Mendenhall will get his boys back on track, telling them that anything can happen in this football season.  It's true though---Florida lost a game last year, ya know.  And now, sigh, this is all we hear during a UF telecast.
WIN - Late scare, but the Cougs held them to four straight incompletions in their red zone in the last two minutes.

***2 Beckinsales***  Boise State -17 BOWLING GREEN - Line opened at -16, so people must believe BG sucks (they do) or they think Peterson will get his defense in check while they sprint to the BCS finish line.  I firmly believe the latter, and I will keep going with the Smurf Turfs until they prove me wrong.
WIN - Unless it looks fishy, you better believe I'm riding the Broncos next week, too.  Not literally...that would hurt, and my name's not Tuff.

***4 Beckinsales***  OHIO STATE -14 Illinois - Line opened at -15, so people don't trust the soft underbelly of the Tressel monster.  Personally, I think he's like Smaug, and the only "Bard the Bowman"s that can find that chink in his armor are USC and Florida.  Hell to the yes I just referenced The Hobbit.  Badass book.  Anyway, let's just say in this matchup, Pryor is thirsty and likes orange "Juice".  I swear, I'm like that witty kid that steals your girlfriend in the bar.  Dude's got GAME.  Don't hate---appreciate, congratulate.  Although it's not hard to appeal to a woman when you're not the boyfriend hunched over, busy pissing his pants after the 14th Jager bomb, thereby causing the whole bar to call him Dick Trickle for the rest of the night.  Admit it...you've been there.
WIN - Shut 'em out.  Careful with these spiteful Big Ten teams.

***3 Beckinsales***  AUBURN -32.5 Ball State - Moved from -27, so that means a lot of people agree with me.  That's probably a red flag for most bettors, but my ego swats at danger like a fly.  My explanation:

When the Auburn coaches finally sit down and review game film against West Virginia, assuming they have the volume up and the ESPN telecast is one of their videos, they will hear the commentator ask, in the second half, why their offense has slowed down after being so high-paced to begin the game.  This will register to them that they need to get back to their original gameplan---no huddle, quick-paced, funky-looking offense to confuse and tire out their opponents.  No shit, Joker, that's what they do.  Yes, I know this, but sometimes it's VERY easy for a team to stray from their core, and I think Coach Chizik will preach that during the week, emphasizing getting back to their main objective.

I watched the entire game, and in the first quarter I kept thinking to myself Jesus, if they all get on the same page going this quickly, it's lights out for West Virginia---and a lot more teams for that matter.  Most people, including Auburn fans, will assume Ball State will give them some sort of challenge and be able to cover the 32 point spread.  I, however, realize SEC athletes will dominate Ball State, the varying looks and execution from Malzahn's spread will confuse the ever-living fock out of them, hitting men in open space will create mismatches showcasing that southern speed, their defense will finally resemble SEC-caliber form, and they will absolutely cruise in this one, leaving no doubt to the Tiger faithful that they will win the SEC West.  Hey, it's what they do...just let them be.

LOSS - Fitting that the knuckleheads on the plains choose to focus on offense, not defense, in the SEC.  30 points to Ball State, really?  What happens when you travel to Arkansas in two weeks?

***3 Beckinsales***  Arizona State +11.5 GEORGIA - Line moved from +13, so some people are leaning my way.  The way I see it, Joe Cox sucks.  That's basically it.  AJ Green can't win the game for the Bulldogs if my man, cocky coach Dennis Erickson, prevents him from catching it.  Look for the Sun Devils game plan to be reminiscent of VT against Bama---double Julio however you need to, and focus on the run.  Fortunately for ASU, they only have to stop UGA's tailbacks, not Bama's.  Like I said in the last article, they can win this game outright.  Georgia isn't as good as they perennially are, and they're probably still tired from the Arkansas shootout.  Meanwhile, Coach Erickson has basically had since last year to gameplan for his first legitimate opponent of 2009.
WIN - Had the Sun Devils any extra player to help Dmitri Nance, they could have won this game.  Erickson needs to start winning these close games to get his rep back to his old Hurricane swagger.

-

For what it's worth, I would have picked Alabama as well, but the line moved from -15.5 to -17, precisely where it will be when the game is over.  I thought about it a lot today, and I'm going to put all this out there to show you just how in tune I am with my team:

Greg McElroy - 225 yards, 1 TD, 2 INTs ----- Actual - 291 yards, 3 TDs, 0 INT
Julio Jones - 6 rec, 117 yards, 1 TD ----- Actual - 2 rec, 65 yards, 1 TD
Mark Ingram - 18 carries, 120 yards, 2 TDs ----- Actual - 17 carries, 50 yards, 1 TD

Ryan Mallett - 227 yards (ouch), 1 TD, 3 INTs ----- Actual - 160 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT
Michael Smith - 68 yards, 1 TD ----- 12 carries, 61 yards

Alabama 34 - Arkansas 17...and the surprising stat?  Marquis Johnson with a Pick 6.  It's just how life sets things up, I swear.

Actual - Alabama 35 - Arkansas 7.  Needless to say, I'm happy with the real results.

I was close to taking Penn State, cuz everybody feels like they're overrated and I think that has subconsciously made them want to prove themselves even more.  If you can run the ball and play solid defense, you have a shot against anybody.  But I couldn't pull the trigger.  Also, there's a lot of talk Matt Grothe's injury might make USF a BETTER team, so even though FSU looks like a steal, I'm not touching it.  As for the others, I just read up on some things or just didn't "feel" it, so they got scratched from the hot list.  The Joker/Walter/ChiKid triumvirate needs to rally this week before we all get hate mail---oh wait, we're too late, right Wally?