The Joker Report

Reader Pick/Iron Bowl Talk - Week 13 - AUJclayton

Alright, it is Iron Bowl week and Thanksgiving is around the corner!  That means that everyone, AU and Bama fans alike are looking forward to good food, heavy drinking, and a great football game!  What?  It is not going to be a great game?  Oh, ok….apparently Alabama has already won….damn.  Well that is a shame, I really thought that AU had a shot this year, but since it is already over, I DIGRESS (can we quit using this phrase on the site yet?).

Clearly, I am from an entirely different Iron Bowl tradition than every other poster on this site, because the one that I was raised around involves respect, tradition, and good football.  RESPECT is a word I feel all of them should explore a little. 

I know it would be all too fun if I would attempt to lower myself to ‘take some shots’ at the Tide, but that just isn’t me.  I actually have some respect for the other team, despite its fans.  I am also fully aware that just because the Bama fans on this site are this way, or even the few that I have had exchanges with on the message boards seem a little arrogant, IT DOES NOT MEAN THAT ALL BAMA FANS ARE LIKE THAT so I will not spend my entire post writing about how ridiculous Bama fans are.  It seems a little pointless.  Besides, we have already read on the JR that Auburn fans are delusional, cocksuckers, and annoying hillbillies….etc….. (I can’t imagine why there aren’t any AU readers).  So how could anyone really take anything that I say seriously. (it's okay, tenderheart. I'll admit the cocksucker hillbilly part, but I never said delusional, and I never lumped the fans all together.  If you, however, would like to counter any of the points I have made, I'm still waiting. ~J)

Maybe the Auburn fans could learn something from our Alabama brethren.  I mean after all, they have been successful for so many years, and with all of those National Championships, not only have they learned to win, but they have learned to do it with class and respect.  On that note, I will leave you with a quote that I believe sums things up.  When referring to the Iron Bowl he said,  “There's not going to be any pressure. It's just going to be the same old team that we played last year."-Greg McElroy.  See, this is the class and respect that I am referring to.  Like I said, after a program gets to this level, it just comes naturally to the players.  When you have a big time player who arguably plays the most important position on the field and he has this great of a mindset, I mean what else is there to say.

I know, I know, Ben Tate said that he was better than Ingram.  I get it, I get it.  No, really, I do.  And yes Joker, I do see that you put (not all) in your reference. I think that it will be a good football game and I look forward to seeing it.  WDE!

My Iron Bowl score prediction is 28-24, Bama.  The lack of depth will catch up with Auburn.

I am not sure if I have already beaten Retard X or not, so I will submit my 5 regardless.  My Joker Report 5 star pick is

Georgia Tech -8 v UGA  5 Ellingtons
(again, like I told Racer, it's only this pick that counts, but I'll keep the rest up. ~J)

BYU -7.5 v Utah  4 Ellingtons
(I have to take your BYU pick since the GT was taken. ~J)

Idaho -3 v Utah State  3 Ellingtons

FSU +24.5 v Florida  2 Ellingtons

Auburn +10 v Alabama  1 Ellington

Happy Thanksgiving and WDE!!!

(Much respect to Clay for not wigging out at all the Crimson.  I could bring more fury (and I will), but just not against Mr. AUJ. ~J)

Reader Picks - Week 12 - AUJclayton

I know that I am famous for long winded pieces of prose, but all of you JR readers are going to have to cut me a little slack on this one.  I am going to hit a few key points and save the meat of my info for some extra credit.  The ‘meat’ that I refer is all just a product of Ben Tate’s quote about being the best running back in the state and then the fallout that ensued. "I know I'm the best back in the state. I bet if you went and broke down film and asked teams in the SEC who is the best back in the state, I mean, I feel like it's me," said Ben Tate.  Not everyone has had a wild reaction, but some have and it has made for some stirring debate.  Hopefully I have aroused some interest for my upcoming post, so look for that in the next couple of days, Joker willing.  For now, on to the gauntlet!

Obviously Auburn lost to UGA this past weekend, so that is not great.  I feel as though it is a game that Auburn should have and could have won, but, like other games this year, we just didn’t put together a full sixty minutes.  Penalties and mental mistakes near the end of what was a close game just killed Auburn, again.  AU has a young team, not that much depth, etc., etc…. so we are supposed to expect mistakes from the young’uns and our walk-ons.  At least we have our savvy upperclassmen!  Wait a second…..it was Lee Ziemba that had 2 critical false start penalties?  You mean upperclassmen, veteran, supposed to be our best OL Lee Ziemba?  REALLY?  Come on Lee.  Set the example for the youngsters.  Show them how to play, not how not to.  Really.

Having said that, and also admitting that there were and are others to blame for the loss, at least Auburn showed up, played hard, and left it all on the field.  I have been saying all year that if AU would just do those three things, then those of us who are fans will feel like things are moving in the right direction.  As fans we all knew that this was a rebuilding year of sorts and I think that when you look at all that has happened, Auburn nation has plenty to be excited about.  AU already has 7 wins, and a chance to get 8, either against Alabama, or in the bowl game.  And, WE ARE GOING TO BE IN A BOWL GAME!  Not a big one, but a bowl game none-the-less.  Recruiting is outstanding as is evidenced by the fact that Auburn has landed two top 50 prospects in as many weeks.  Michael Dyer (5 star, #3 RB, ranked 17^th in the nation), and Travon Reed (4 star, #5 WR, 37^th overall player in the nation) have moved Auburn’s recruiting class all the way up to 8^th nationally and AU recruiting momentum is  just  now hitting its stride.

 Hopefully AU will get some help from the ‘big recruit domino effect.’  By this I meant that once a five star RB, like Dyer commits to a team, all of the sudden top tier OL (Shon Coleman is feeling better about picking AU early) feel like they have someone that they would really love to block for.  Then, when a WR sees that the running game is clearly going to look great for a team in upcoming years, they see that fear of the run will open up the outside for a great skill player.  Hopefully that process continues position-wide for AU because there are a lot of holes to fill. It may be a little of a stretch, but these are ultimately kids we are talking about and things like this can influence decisions.  Plus, AUBURN CAN OFFER YOU PLAYING TIME!!!!

Allow me to briefly touch on the Eric Smith situation, which has popped back up for some reason that I could never imagine….I am just saying that something seems a little fishy about the timing of this all (Joker in the background saying, “Welcome to my world!”)  I am starting to see what you are saying my man.   Anyway, all of the allegations of more players being involved, any rumors of starters being dismissed from the team, anything other than Eric Smith knocked a guy out from behind while 2 policemen watched is complete and total BULLSHIT!  This is just posturing and slander in the highest degree.  I would not say this without the backing of ALL of my “inside Auburn” sources.  Once again, to any Auburn fans who think that this new suit is somehow new news, or will bring out more facts or get any other players in trouble, YOU HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.   The new revelation is that there were two other players with Smith in the night of question.  Bombshell!  Paul Finebaum and his dicksucker Shane have been pushing for this to turn into something big ever since the moment E. Smith got back on the football field, so none of this should come as any surprise.   Just one question for the F-Baum tandem, are truly after truth and justice here or do you have an agenda?   You can answer that for yourselves, readers as I think that this truth is self-evident.  It will amount to nothing more than Eric Smith getting in more trouble, if they are lucky.

Moving on to the picks, I really liked my lack of explanation for last week’s picks.  I feel as if the only reason that I did it in the past was to convince the readers of why it was a good  pick, so, readers, let us just cut through the BS, understand that I put a lot of time and thought into this, and this is what I got.  OK?  Good.

For my units, I am sticking with Nemcovas in honor of Petra Nemcova.  Not because she seems to be great luck for me, but because my day is genuinely better for having looked at her.  I hope that she can bring all of that and more to you!  Enjoy!

*Central Michigan -14 v Ball State> 5 Nemcovas

Ohio PICK ‘EM v Northern Illinois> clearly I am taking Ohio> 4 Nemcovas

TCU -31 v Wyoming> 3 Nemcovas

Temple -13 v Kent> 2 Nemcovas

Texas El Paso -6.5 v Rice> 1 Nemcova

*I did pick and bet on this game.  Just because my post is the last one to go up, it does not mean that I get any preferential treatment.  The Joker has my back here, so relax.  (interesting how it's your 5 star game...never told me that part. ~J)

There it is JR readers, do with it what you will!  Both my competitor(s) and I have learned some humility through this process, so let this week’s humility lesson begin.

Keep an eye out for my upcoming Extra Credit post!  It will be a good one!

Auburn FINALLY gets a bye, so let us hope that gives Chizik, Malzahn, and ‘ROOF, the ROOF, the ROOF IS ON FIRE’ some time to get one hell of a game plan together for Bama.  Remember readers, you don’t have to be the best team, just the best team on the field that day.  WAR DAMN EAGLE!!

-AUJclayton

Reader Picks - Week 12 - Racer X

Welcome to Racer's Losing Picks!  If you followed me last week, this is what you saw:  

I sucked last week.  I lost to some damn dogs.  (No disrespect intended towards your wolf pack, Joker.)  I feel you buddy, I wouldn't look, either.
 
Now Joker tells me I run the risk of losing to a girl.  Like I haven't lost to a girl before.  AUJ has beaten me a couple weeks this season.  Same difference. 
 
This week is doing me no favors.  I look down the list and I can make an argument for picking both teams in every single game.  If not, then the lines are so big that they are too risky.  This week sucks and Vegas is really messing with our minds this weekend.  At this point, we pretty much know what everyone is bringing to the table.  The problem is, outside of the top few teams, everyone else has looked great one week, crappy the next.  There's just no way of knowing which version will show up.  Seems like every team played an emotional game last week and is due for a let down (Stanford), or plays a big game next week and is a concern to look ahead (everyone who plays their rival last).  Makes for tough sledding. 
 
LSU-Ole Miss:  Do you get the Ole Miss that just blew out UT or the one that got blown out by Auburn? 
 
Houston-Memphis:  You mean the Houston team that I have had faith in and been burned 2-3 times already this year?
 
I liked VaTech, but they have burned me twice. 
 
UNC-Boston College?  Duke-Miami? Any other ACC game not involving Georgia Tech? Been burned by them all.
 
Big 12 games?  I'm not touching K-State/Nebraska or Oklahoma-TTU or any of the rest.  Been burned by them all. 

Which leaves me with nothing.  I've lost to dogs. I've gone 1-4 twice.  I'm tied with a hermaphrodite in picks.  Nothing is going right for me, so I am at a loss.  I don't like a single game this week, so what I have come up with makes no sense and it might give me another 1-4 or my first 0-5. 
 

I'm not clever enough to come up with multiple random systems like Joker, so I'm just going to go with a random hot chick.  If she's good luck, she's good luck. If not, she goes on the trash heap with the rest of my picks.  I'm not even that big of a fan of Marissa Miller, but I love this picture and it's going to bring me luck. 

 

If you don't like this one, Joker, go with the SI-iPod picture.  Or, give me both.  I could use the boost.  (Literally and figuratively)  (As you wish. ~J)

I've got four weeks of picks left to beat my nemesis.  Let's get started. 
 
OSU -11.5 @ UM (3 Miller Cracks)
I don't think Michigan can win one for the RichRodder.  Terrelle Pryor should have gone to Michigan and dominated the spread, but he didn't.  I don't know what that has to do with my pick, but like I said, when you don't like any games and you have to pick five, you get stuck with a few.  Too many distractions at Michigan and Tressel knows how important it is to win this one.
 
Notre Dame -6 vs. UConn (4 Miller Cracks)
If UConn plays within 6 pts, they'll win. If Notre Dame loses, I'll be happy.  Notre Dame isn't going to beat Stanford next week, so this is their last chance for a win. I think Clausen and Tate will have a big day. 
 
UT -17 vs. Vandy (4 Miller Cracks)
Vandy is tired and beaten up.  Kiffin has shown a tendency to pick on those that are smaller than he is.  He'll pick on Vandy, I guess because he thinks it will help him with in-state recruiting or something.  His wife is still hot.  That has nothing to do with football, but I just wanted to make sure that was out there.  UT rolls. 
 
Penn St -3 @ MSU (3 Miller Cracks)
Michigan State, other than overthrowing a WR and missing the upset vs. Notre Dame, has been completely off of my radar this week.  3 points is basically a Pick Em, so I'm taking Joe Pa.  No football reason, just have to make a pick somewhere. 
 
Stanford -7 vs. Cal (3 Miller Cracks)
Standford or Samford or Sanford or Sandford or whatever the hell else everyone calls it should win this game.  If they win, I think they win by at least a TD.  If they lose, then Gerhart is out of Ingram's way.  Either way, Racer X is a winner. 
 
There ya go.  Playing the odds, I'll do better than last week.  Playing the odds on the season, I'll go 3-2.  Not good at all.  I may limp to the finish line, but I will get there.  I vow to not lose to dogs, girls or little bitches this week, damn it. 
 
Challenge to AUJ:  I don't know why I am doing this because the task I am charging to myself is darn near impossible, but AUJ, I am extending to you a challenge for next week's Iron Bowl.  You have to write a column explaining all of the virtues of the Crimson Tide and explain how and why Bama is going to win, including a score prediction.  I have to do the same for Auburn. Write it up and submit it to Joker. He cannot post either of our picks until he has both and can post them at the same time, thus we can't alter or make any changes based off of the other's article.  I figure this should make for an interesting column.

Whatever score you pick does not count in your picks and we can each still submit our regular five picks.  Your article will have nothing to do with your picks and it will not preempt you from picking the Iron Bowl or either team in your real picks. 
 
What says you, Mrs. AUJ? 
 
Until next week,

-Racer
 
 

Reader Picks - Week 11 - Breck

After checking in on the weekly picks before and after the games (as all loyal Joker Report readers should do), I realized that the “professionals” seemed to be in a bit of a rut.  I asked the Joker himself (I know what you are thinking and, YES, I have met him…I know…I know, I’m awesome if, but just for that fact) if I could try my hand at the ol’ Gauntlet.  Much to my surprise, I was granted access to the hallowed pages of the Joker Report with my very own entry to run along side the likes of the fabled Racer X, AUJClayton, J Vegas, and even the Kaiser Soze-esque Joker.  What an honor?!?!  I mean granted I’ve been baby steppin’ and doin’ the drills (SEE “What About Bob”) but getting a call to the Majors is just a dream come true.   

Then, I saw that the Joker has also allowed his dogs to select teams for this week as well...

 …so, as you can all imagine out there in Jokerland, the air has been taken out of the proverbial balloon over here.

So, without further ado, because they’ll obviously let any mammal on this site, here are my picks for the week and, in honor of Jake and the boys over at the Joker House, here is my hot “bitch” of the week:

GEORGIA TECH -10 ½ vs. DUKE:  Believe me, it hurts to make this pick and I honestly do have respect for the crew trying to piece together the Duke football program.  To tell you how big of a Duke fan I am, I actually went to the All American Bowl at Legion Field a LONG time ago to watch Duke play…football of all things.  Anyway, Georgia Tech is really good and the only way to stop them is to have ridiculously stupid and, most importantly, fast athletes that can only become academically eligible at an ACC school in a magical place where Breaking and Entering is a major called the University of Miami.  Duke = TOO SMART to play with Ga. Tech.  Therefore, 5 BIKINI DOGS are wagered.

HOUSTON -5 ½ vs. UCF:  Case Keenum is ridiculous!  I think he is leading by close to 100 yards over the next QB in passing yards per game.  I know that doesn’t necessarily translate to big victories but I just do not see the mighty UCF whatever they ares to be able to contain that offense and put up enough points to stay close.  Yes, even in the imposing confines of…whatever stadium they borrow on Saturdays to play their home games.  I say 4 BIKINI DOGS on this one.

UTAH vs. TCU -17:  I learned, as did all Bama fans last year, NEVER BET AGAINST MORMONS!  TCU is very good and I honestly believe they will win this game, but I do not see them winning by 17.  It’s really that simple.  Monogamy prevails but not by as much as the experts think.  3 BIKINI DOGS (would the Mormons call that Polydoggy?  Tell me you didn’t laugh…you canNOT!)

ARKANSAS -14 (can I buy a half point?) vs. TROY:  I respect J Vegas if but for no other reason than it isn’t just a catchy name because it appears (from the Bank and Sports Book references) that he actually lives in Vegas.  However, being much removed from the SEC (at least distance wise), I do not think he understands how it works down here.  1) Arkansas is not the worst team in the SEC by any stretch of the imagination (SEE Vanderbilt), 2) Troy doesn’t play in the SEC and lost to Florida like 134-3 (or something like that) while Arkansas played them pretty tough, and 3) Arkansas’ QB is bigger than Troy’s O-Line.  Therefore, I think the Hogs roll over the Trojans in Fayetteville where I might add they are 5-1.  2 BIKINI DOGS.

UAB BLAZERS -1 vs. MEMPHIS:  I know UAB is by no means a good college football team but Memphis just fired their coach in the middle of the season.  They couldn’t win one for ol’ Coach West (yes, I had to look up his name…like you knew or something) last week and that doesn’t change this week either.  I am a bit leery of this one, so I will only wager 1 BIKINI DOG.

(Don't ask why the underline, bold, and color is a little off...typepad text issues AMAZE me.  Put it in Word next time like people from earth. ~J)

As for some footnotes, I think Alabama, behind a healthy dose of Mark Ingram, spoils the More Cowbell Party in Starkville.  I honestly have no idea what to expect between the Hedges in Athens this weekend.  Both teams are enigmas and have the potential to blow a gasket at any moment.  If UGA loses though, you might as well put a nail in the coffin for Richt (if it isn’t there already).

Enjoy the weekend everyone and here’s to a better record across the board for the panel of pickers…

-Breck

Reader Picks - Week 11 - Racer X

Man, this website is really going to the dogs.  

 
We now enter the stretch run of college football.  Mark Schlabach had an article on ESPN.com where he said the final score no longer matters and the jockeying for poll positioning is pretty much over (prepare to qualify! ~J), at least between the big three.  Now, it is, "Just win, baby."  (I think Joker has used that pic before, but it still cracks me up every time.)  Even a 1-pt escape over UTC for Bama or Florida Int'l for Florida won't change anything.  Survive and move on is the name of the game. 
 
Bama and Florida are on a collision course for the second straight season.  Everyone is already getting worked up about it.  Last year's game was such a classic that there is really no way this year's game can match it.  I'm calling it right now:  Anti-climactic Bama win by 10 or more.  Last year, Tebow had other weapons. This year, the weapons are on Bama's side.  We've got four weeks, but that's what I already think.
 
But, we still have a lot of football to play.  Sort of.  Bama, Florida and Texas will all be double-digit favorite from here out.  It would take a significant upset for any to lose prior to their championship games.  I don't expect much excitement for any of the three.  Bama will stay motivated in an attempt to win the school its first Heisman Trophy.  Texas doesn't have to stay motivated with their remaining schedule.  Florida does have testy South Carolina and Florida State, but the Tebonator won't let anything happen to his Gators.  So, don't expect much excitement in November from these three.
 
Speaking of former baseball players with an apparent Michael Jackson complex, WTF happened to Sammy Sosa?  Scariest damn thing I ever did see.  Look away, children!
 
Now that I have reclaimed my lead over AUJ, it's time for me to expand that lead.  I also need a big week to fend off these up-and-comers that Joker is opening up his home to.  I also must point out that I had 1/3 of all of the combined Joker Report correct picks last week.  What's up now?!
 

In honor of JVega$ bringing a little flava to these here parts, I'm going to one-up him with my own little dash of flava.  Of all the Clueless girls, I'm not sure how all the ugly ones went on to better careers.  But whatever, she still hot. (Little risky for typepad, but too hot not to.  Plus it's a better pic than I used. ~J)

First, I almost blew a gasket when I saw that Iowa was getting 17 points vs. Ohio State. Then I realize Stanzi is out/hurt.  I still think that is a lot of points, but Iowa couldn't score on Northwestern, so I decided to avoid this one.  Since I am laying off, that means you all need to jump on the Hawkeye train. 
 
GT -12.5 @ Duke (5 Dashes)
Once I jump on a bandwagon, I don't often fall off the wagon.  Duke has been scrappy, but I am a believer in the GT machine.  Time for Paul Johnson to start getting this crew ready for their trip to Ft. Lauderdale, or Greensboro, or Raleigh, or Winston-Salem, or Augusta or wherever the hell the ACC Championship is being played this year. 
 
The Real UT -23.5 @ Baylor (3 Dashes)
Texas is going to start trying to get Colt his Heisman.  Baylor, without Robert Griffin, isn't going to be able to keep up. 
 
The Other UT +4.5 @ Ole Miss (3 Dashes)
Tennessee blows out Georgia, almost upsets Alabama, blows out South Carolina and blows out Memphis.  In that same timespan, Ole Miss gets whipped by Bama, beats UAB, beats Arkansas, gets whipped by Auburn, kinda/sorta struggle for a half with Northern Arizona.  Anytime Jevan Snead gets rattled, he implodes and we're supposed to think that Daddy Kiffin and Eric Berry aren't going to rattle him?  I smell a sucker bet, but call me Tootsie Pop because I like the Other UT in this one. 
 
Auburn +4.5 @ UGA (4 Dashes)
As much as it kills me, AU has a lot more to play for and I think they are a more balanced team.  The way to beat Auburn is to hit them in the mouth and wear them down.  UGA is the least physical team in the SEC.  Auburn has no chance of stopping AJ, but UGA has no chance of stopping anyone. I don't think AJ can outscore Auburn by himself.  Plus, Darvin Adams wants to prove to the world that he is really the best WR in the SEC.  I think Auburn wins by double digits. 
 
Utah +19.5 @ TCU
Is the Mountain West so bad that its second best team and the nation's #16 team is going to get routed in the biggest MWC game of the year?  I do think TCU's defense is legit and is right up there with the big boys, but I just don't tihnk Utah is going to lay an egg and lose by three TD's, either.  This is more hunch than anything, but I just don't see it.  Unless TCU is wearing their new Nike Combat unis and if that is the case, all bets are off.  For crying out loud, the pants have SCALES!!  Scales, I say!
 
FYI, FSU's are pretty cool, too.  I think the gloves are cool as hell.
 
Remember, you can pick your friends and you can pick your games, but you can't pick your friend's games...because you will get mad at each other when you lose money.
 
-Racer