By guest writer El Matteo:
Hey, Joker, thanks a lot, man. I inspire a cheerleader component, then you drop the Charger chicks on us and then I get the Giants. A quick Google search reveals...the Giants don't have cheerleaders. So, I improvised and came up with the biggest Giant cheerleader there is:
Upon further review, I discovered that they tried to start up a cheerleading squad, but then this picture circulated around try-outs and they all ran away scared:
Also, you were a tad harsh on those poor San Diegans. They did look a hell of a lot better when you clicked on their swimsuit photos. Granted, I'm sure they are airbrushed to no end, but there's no need to give the crazy hoes more of a complex. Since I know they read this site, I think you need to be a bit more responsible in what you post. A sudden outbreak of bulimia in San Diego isn't the goal you had in mind when you started this site, now is it? Also, Marlina is hot. She looks like a prime candidate to be one of Joker's Jezebels.
(Note to editor: How can you talk about San Diego and not make ONE SINGLE Anchorman joke? Weak, man. Weak.)
(Editor---um, cuz I didn't want to? Watch your mouth, boy, or I'll send you back to the orphanage.)
(Note to Charger girls reading this: If you need any comforting after Joker's harsh words, I am here for you. I think you are all beautiful in your own special way.)
Now, onto the football...
The New York Giants are just good enough to always make the playoffs in the NFC. They are also never going to win it all, whether that be because of Coughlin or Eli or Tiki or whatever other reasons pop up under the omnipresent NYC media scrutiny.
They're a lot like the Seahawks. They have talent and on a good day, they really can beat anyone, especially in the NFC. More often than not, though, a "good day" depends completely on Eli Manning. He's not his brother. I think we've all accepted that. He's also better than half the other starters in this league, so they probably aren't quite ready to throw in the towel, either. For another season or two, try to continue to surround him with talent and see what happens.
The Vitals: 15th Total O (21st passing, 4th rushing), 6th Total D (8th passing, 11th rushing)
Brandon Jacobs, when healthy, was a decent replacement for Tiki, but can he stay healthy? Thus far, the answer appears to be "no". The WRs aren't bad. Plaxico had a good year and he wasn't ever healthy. Toomer ain't young. Shockey, when healthy (which he isn't, a lot), is still as good as any other TE in the league. So, offensively, they don't appear to need a lot of help, but some young legs would help. It would also help if Eli could find some consistency. Tell Peyton to pass up one commercial opportunity and come teach little bro what he needs to know.
Defensively, they're actually pretty darn good. The biggest problem I see here is the fact that Strahan probably won't be back next year. He almost wasn't back this year. He also was voted Team Captain when he wasn't even around, so that tells you he is the heart and soul of this defense (and team). If he leaves, I'd expect a significant drop in defensive production. The problem here is that at this point of the first round, you aren't going to replace Strahan immediately. Perhaps free agency is the best bet and maybe you pick up a youngun later in the draft.
So, the Giants have several options, as I see them:
1. Try to find another RB.
2. Try to upgrade on O to give Eli another weapon.
3. Try to replace Strahan.
My options that I have targeted for the Giants:
1. Mike Hart, RB, Michigan-Talented and used to the cold weather and the scrutiny of big time football.
2. Early Doucet-WR, LSU-Big play type guy who would give Eli another target.
3. Quentin Groves, DE/LB, AU-Not a true DE, but he is a great pass rusher. If he can transition to full-time LB, he could be a great addition.
I think Mike Hart would be a great pick, but there are actually still a handful of good RB's left on the board. Groves would also be a great addition, but at this point, when Eli has to be your main concern, you have to give him every opportunity to succeed. Give him as many weapons as possible. If he fails then, you are set up for immediate success for whoever gets the chance to replace him.
With the 25th pick, the G-Men select Early Doucet, WR, LSU.
Unofficially:
What would I do if I were the Giants? First of all, I'd start a cheerleading squad. With all those people in NYC, I know you can find 40 hot chicks. Hell, Buffalo has good looking cheerleaders! God bless the Jills. The only city allowed to not have cheerleaders is Detroit. Shame on you, NYC.
The next thing I would do is convince Strahan to stay one more year. Put him on the selection committee for the cheerleaders. He's single now. This will help.
Then, I'd give Eli a stern talkin' to. Tell him it's now or never b/c the weapons around him aren't getting any younger or healthier. Plus, the Cowboys are really the only team they have to pass and Wade Phillips being Wade Phillips is going to start showing itself next year. And TO hasn't had a blow-up yet. You know it is coming. And Jessica Simpson will continue to sink her horse teeth into Romo. Get my point? HUGE window of opportunity opening up for you, but it won't stay open long.
I'd also keep an eye on Steve Slaton. BUT DON'T DRAFT HIM TO BE A 20-25 CARRY BACK! Learn from the Reggie Bush situation.
Then, I'd probably go ahead and stick with Doucet. Slaton will be there a little bit later, if he even comes out.
Back to you and happy cheerleadering, Joker...
Joker Report Official Mock Draft
1. MIA - Glenn Dorsey, DT (LSU)
2. STL - Jake Long, OT (Michigan)
3. NYJ - Darren McFadden, RB (Arkansas)
4. N.E. (via S.F.) - Chris Long, DE (Virginia)
5. ATL - Brian Brohm, QB (Louisville)
6. OAK - Calais Campbell, DE (Miami)
7. BAL - Matt Ryan, QB (Boston College)
8. K.C. - Sam Baker, OT (USC)
9. CIN - Vernon Gholston, DE (Ohio State)
10. CHI - Andre Woodson, QB (Kentucky)
11. PHI - James Laurinaitis, MLB (Ohio State)
12. CAR - Sedrick Ellis, DT (USC)
13. WAS - Kenny Phillips, S (Miami)
14. N.O. - Mike Jenkins, CB (USF)
15. HOU - Malcolm Jenkins, CB (Ohio State)
16. T.B. (via DEN) - Malcolm Kelly, WR (Oklahoma)
17. DET - Jeff Otah, OT (Pittsburgh)
18. ARI - Derrick Harvey, DE (Florida)
19. BUF - Ali Highsmith, OLB (LSU)
20. TEN - DeSean Jackson, WR (California)
21. MIN - Antoine Cason, CB (Arizona)
22. DEN (via T.B.) - Nic Harris, S (Oklahoma)
23. SEA - Jonathan Stewart, RB (Oregon)
24. S.D. - Dan Connor, ILB (Penn State)
25. NYG - Early Doucet, WR (LSU)
Joker's (and slightly El Matteo's) Unofficial Mock Draft
1. NYJ - Glenn Dorsey, DT (LSU)
2. HOU - Darren McFadden, RB (Arkansas)
3. MIA - Jake Long, OT (Michigan)
4. N.E. - Chris Long, DE (Virginia)
5. ATL - Brian Brohm, QB (Louisville)
6. OAK - Sedrick Ellis, DT (USC)
7. BAL - Matt Ryan, QB (Boston College)
8. K.C. - Malcolm Jenkins, CB (Ohio State)
9. CIN - Vernon Gholston, DE (Ohio State)
10. CHI - Kenny Phillips, S (Miami)
11. PHI - Jonathan Stewart, RB (Oregon)
12. CAR - DeSean Jackson, WR (California)
13. WAS - James Laurinaitis, ILB (Ohio State)
14. N.O. - Ali Highsmith, OLB (LSU)
15. HOU - Felix Jones, RB (Arkansas)
16. DEN - Kentwan Balmer, DT (North Carolina)
17. DET - Jeff Otah, OT (Pittsburgh)
18. ARI - Calais Campbell, DE (Miami)
19. BUF - Malcolm Kelly, WR (Oklahoma)
20. TEN - Dan Connor, ILB (Penn State)
21. MIN - Derrick Harvey, DE (Florida)
22. T.B. - Sam Baker, OT (USC)
23. SEA - Ryan Clady, OT (Boise State)
24. S.D. - Limas Sweed, WR (Texas)
25. NYG - Early Doucet, WR (LSU)
(Editor's note---next time I ask for cheerleaders, and you give me two pictures of Eli Manning, I will send you back upstairs to the attic where you will receive neither food nor water until your punishment has been served out. And no, you can't have the Neverending Story book. Steelers now on the clizock.)
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