The Joker Report

Iron Bowl 2008 - Recap

Who's the classiest coach in all of college football?  Mr. Seven Fingers, that's who.  Does he know that means the number of losses he has this year?  Or was he referring to the number of hours to go before he killed his favorite bottle of merlot?  And believe me, I have folks on the inside---he loves his merlot.  Probably even calls it "murr-lott".  What a dumb shit.  Seriously.  Look at him.  I bet he laughs at Indians who kneel to the ground to hear horses coming.  He's like "yeah, there's five of 'em, about two miles off.  Heard it as clear as your voice.  One guy keeps fiddling with his zipper while another keeps singing 'whiskey for my men, beer for my horses'."

Anyway, here's my recap:

Alabama was the male, Auburn was the female.  Thaaaaat about does it.

All sources say the Rammer Jammer was the loudest they've ever heard it, and to my knowledge it went on a good three full times.

Stat of the day---9 to 8 ratio.  What, pray tell, do I mean?  Auburn punted it 9 times, compared to their 8 first downs.  Yikes, with a side of gooosh!

Anyway, as I'm watching this game, I'm ignoring a flood of texts.  You know, the standard girls who act like they give a shit with their "Roll damn Tide!!" and the pissed off Aubies saying "Hopefully the second half we'll show you what we got."  Meanwhile I'm enjoying the fact that the Tigers' simple minds focused all their efforts into stopping the run left, while we pound them on the right time and time again.  I also enjoy the fact that our backup quarterback threw a bullseye to Maze, confirming what I've known for years.  No sense getting into that right now though.

So now...what do we think of Florida?  Well, if you read my site religiously (as you should), you would know I've commented a few times that before this season I had picked OU and UF to be playing in the Big Shabang.  I certainly am on the right path, but I am officially hoping I'm wrong.  The Gators clash with the Tide this Saturday, and I don't know what to think of it.

Last I checked, Bama was an 8.5 point underdog.  I think---scratch that, I know---that most of the country thinks Florida will not only take us to the woodshed, they'll knock the woodshed down and beat us with the vintage wood planks until we beg for mercy.  However, as most Bama fans remember, Mike "deer in headlights" Shula and Joe "let's pretend I don't work at Texas A&M" Kines both managed to dismantle the Gators 31-3 or something back in 2005.  All with a very similar fanfare, hype, and "scary" Meyer offense.

Do we match up well?  Well hell yeah we do.  It all starts in the trenches, and the team that beat them, Ole Miss, had the big uglies to hang with us as well.  That's our advantage.  Another advantage is our power running game, keeping Tim "Jesus H Jiminy, we get it Gary Danielson, you love this guy and want to make babies with him" Tebow off the field.  Another advantage may be the ankle injury to Percy Harvin, possibly holding him out of the whole contest.  Or that could just be a clever ruse on Urban's part, having him come hobbling in in the 4th quarter to take the winning double reverse in for the game winner.  Don't act like he wouldn't do something like that.  We got shady characters in the SEC with Miles, Urban, and that greasy bastard with seven *now broken* fingers.

So it comes down to my gut feeling, and I gotta admit, we have the ability to take Florida out.  It's a "team-first" team versus a "speed-first" team, with an overly Christian, overly confident, overly virtuous quarterback who, in my opinion, needs to get jacked in the mouth on a strong safety blitz by one Mr. Justin Woodall.  But the Gators have been rocking and rolling ever since the Rebel loss, and I'm not sure we can derail that freight train.  Although if anybody should be trying, it's Bama.

In the meantime, I suggest everyone in the Crimson locker room keep watching this video until they can't feel anymore pain.  Works for me; I've been punching fluffy pillows half the day I'm so damn pumped up.

Stay tuned for next week's Pick Em.  I'll do my best to not completely tank like the Tigers again.

Oh, here's a hot chick while you wait (btw--good LORD)...

NCAA '09 UGA/UA Sims

   

   

EA SPORTS World: NCAA Football 09 Video

   

I plugged in Zo Lawrence, the freshman CB, for Javier Arenas since this stupid game doesn't have Javy on the roster.  And even though he's Bama's fastest guy on the NCAA roster (92 speed), he STILL gets caught on this kick return.  It's safe to say any sim Sportscenter does for this game will have UGA as the victor.  Hey, as long as Corso picks them to win, I'm cool with whatever.

2008 Computer sim, "Play Now", #1 UGA vs. #22 Bama:

Georgia 27
Alabama 10
----
Stafford 16/19 169 yds, 2 TDs 1 INT...11 rushes for 15 yards cuz his option speed is sick??
Moreno 15 rush, 141 yds, 1 TD
----
Wilson 12/20 111 yds, 0 TDs, 1 INT...3 rush for 0 yds
Grant 12 rush, 28 yds
Our lone touchdown was a Pick 6 from Marquis Johnson

As unbelievably accurate as everything above (except MS's runs) could very well be, I decided to try my hand at my own simulation.  Since this version has Grant starting over Coffee, Jimmy Johns at fullback, Javier Arenas not even playing, Sturdivant still starting for UGA and AJ Green not playing...it's a little off.  Plus it's preseason ranking, the designers' creative opinion on who is better than whom, etc.  But hell, I'll try my hand at it.

Joker's Actual Gameplay, "Play Now", #1 UGA vs #22 Bama

Let me please preface this by saying how unGODly slow the Crimson Tide team is for this year's version of NCAA.  If this were my dynasty team, I'd have...ugh, nevermind.  It's NOT my dynasty team, so I'll deal with the ridiculous amount of preference this game has for Georgia.  I replaced Terry Grant with Glen Coffee and set Julio at WR2 instead of in the slot for realistic purposes.

Alabama 34
Georgia 17
---
Wilson 12 for 21, 145 yds, 0 TDs, 1 INT (it's amazing how accurate this might be)
Coffee 19 rush, 90 yds
---
Stafford 18 for 26, 209 yds, 2 TDs, 3 INT (hey, I'm the DB guy, so those picks shouldn't surprise you)
Moreno 4 rush, 22 yds...I broke his tailbone on the first drive and he's out for the season (100 smileys)
His backup 15 rush, 43 yds

Game MVP?  Leigh Tiffin - 4 FGs (36, 32, 49, 34) and 2 XP

Kareem intercepted one and took it to the house in the final minute of play, otherwise this was too close for comfort.  The kind where you don't even bother taking risks cuz you're gonna get raped.  There's no point in running sweeps when Glen Coffee has 88 speed and the Bulldog linebackers are all faster.  Just one of those "suck it up, anything can happen" type of games.

We shall see if either simulation stands true.

So...we gonna beat Georgia or what?

Quick answer...I don't know.

It's too easy to say we took them to overtime last year with a lesser team.  It's also too easy to say they almost lost to South Carolina and we've done decently well against all opponents.  None of that matters this time.  It just doesn't.

Saban is doing more than just recruiting big, fast playmakers.  He's trying to install a completely new mindset and energy in Tuscaloosa.  Think about Cesar Millan, the Dog Whisperer.  I know half of my readers watch that show, so I don't wanna hear any shit, just listen.

Cesar knows people are the problem, not the dogs.  How the people act, how the people lead, the energy the people give...the dogs see it, they feel it, and they feed off of that.  Saban understands this mental side, and that it trickles down to the dogs (players, in case you were slow) from the coaches, teachers, fans, and students.  This is why he urges everyone associated with the program to think and act like a winner (remind you of a former coach, perhaps?), and why he treats the media like the pieces of shit they are.  Who wants to hang out with the drama queens always stirring shit up?  Not me, and not Coach Saban.

I say all this because this is where all the teaching and practicing of positive thinking comes to a head.  This is the game where people have no other choice than to admit we're good if we win and we're close to being good if we can't quite pull it off.  If we bomb, well, that's another story.

Everyone I know talks about Matt Stafford as if he was a god, although buddha is more like it with the off-field pictures I've seen.  Everyone and their mothers knows Knowshon Moreno is a damn good player and has breakout potential every time he touches the ball.  And thanks to yet another weak Pac 10 team, we now know AJ Green is feeling as confident as ever in his freshman year at wideout.  The talent on the Bulldogs is great, they believe in Mark Richt and will follow him into any battle, and now that Ohio State has shown diminishing returns (again), they want to win every game more than ever to represent the SEC in the BCS National Championship.

So, as a loyal yet realistic Bama fan, I have a certain number of questions that arise for this weekend:

1.  Will John Parker Wilson finally get his mind right, realize this is his last year of football, and that now is the time to have a clear conscious and play out of his mind?  Or at least complete one long throw?  Or at the very least, not panic every other dropback?

2. Can Andre Smith show us he can pass protect instead of just mowing down defenders in the run?

3. Will Drew Davis see the mistakes he made against Arkansas and work extra hard this week to make sure they never happen again?

4. Is Julio Jones nearly as confident as AJ Green going into this game, and if so, will he show us who the better true freshman is?

5. WIll our defense learn how to wrap up before Moreno leaps and spins his way to a career day?

6. Will Rashad Johnson soak his hands in CLR or something so the stone effect crumbles away?

7. Can Justin Woodall inspire the others with a big hit or a big play to swing the momentum in a tight game?

8. Can our DLine put pressure on UGA in the form of sacks and forced fumbles instead of a couple hurries?

9. Can our offense handle all the "Georgia speed" we hear about?

That's just the tip of the iceberg, but if I didn't stop here, I wouldn't stop at all.  We have a lot of questions.  We're facing our biggest test of the year, and arguably of Saban's tenure at the Capstone, and the excuses we provide no longer hold water.  Sure they have more upperclassmen and therefore experience, but if we believe we can win...we will.

Although, let's be honest, that whole "black out" shirt thing they're doing might just be too darn scary for words.  We can win.  Do we think we can is the question.  Give 'em hell, Alabama.

Bama Eats Thunder and Craps Lightning

Talk about domination.  Clemson has one of, if not the best running back tandem in the country.  Think about it for a minute.  Think about the kind of athletes James "Thunder" Davis and CJ "Lightning" Spiller are, and what all you can do with that talent.  Then think about giving it to Davis SIX times and Spiller TWICE.  The entire game.  Nevermind that Spiller took one to the house at the onset of the second half.  Nevermind utilizing all that speed.  You have Cullen Harper!

Nevermind he's the most overrated quarterback in the ENTIRE COUNTRY, who should have about four interceptions tallied, but only managed one, thanks to Rashad "Stone Hands" Johnson (thanks for killing my prediction, 'Shad).  And I quoteth unto myself, assuming those picks were made:

"This will immediately tone down the "Harper is God" talk while simultaneously telling the nation to look out, that Mr. Nick Saban down on the Capstone may know a thing or two about defense, and not to count us out for a good run this year."

Let's keep going, shall we?  Hey Clemson, don't worry about your OL getting demolished, you can just abandon the running game that netted you ZERO YARDS RUSHING for the night, and start throwing screen passes.  Gasp!  Tommy Bowden...Clemson...screen passes?!?!?!  Say it isn't so!  The one big play you had was a slant to Jacoby Ford.  How do you not take that as a sign to throw it more vertically than horizontally?

Total domination on both sides of the ball.  Mark Ingram churning those poweful legs for two or three more yards each play.  Glen Coffee securing the ball and finding creases for five yards a pop.  Julio Jones being a downfield decoy while opening up the underneath routes for Nick Walker, who was game MVP in my opinion.  That kid was lining up at wideout and running ridiculously nice routes for a tight end.  And yes, even JPW looked calm and cool under Jim McElwains new system.  He even managed some nice runs to preserve drives instead of forcing throws.  Leigh Tiffin nailing it from 54.  Everything worked in our favor last night---for once.

All that said, I hope the Clemson fans are truly upset at their underachieving coach, Tommy "Pass the grape jam, will ya Diddy?" Bowden.  I also hope they understand now that the SEC is a different animal than the bullshit ACC, which is so god awful this year Clemson could still run the table.  How, as UNC, are you going to struggle to hold off Mc Neese State.  Really?  Where the holy hell is McNeese State?  Is it somewhere between Salamander U and Camp Cruncheweesy?  Virginia Tech gets beaten by East Carolina, South Carolina dismantles NC State, USC pounds Virginia like your college roommate's girlfriend when he's out of town, and Maryland struggles to hold off perennial powerhouse Delaware.

Meanwhile the SEC goes 10-1, with our lone dipshit award going to Sly Croom.  But hey, La Tech has beaten Bama before, so I won't talk to much trash.  Croom is gonna have those boys running steps, I can guarantee it.

Well, that certainly was a much more enjoyable Saturday night than I'm used to.  Let's make it two in a row versus Tulane next week, coach.  Roll Tide Roll. 

My Bold Prediction

Lord, let us again give thanks that we live in the South.  Let us also pray that each douchebag above contracted syphilis by sharing one woman named Rosanna.  Gotta say though...dude on far right must have stellar plucking skills.  Big ups, yo.  Lemme buy you another Cosmopolitan.

Now granted I'm an Alabama fan.  Granted I also take a few shots at Les Miles and Tommy Tuberville now and then.  But I always respect what each player does, I never dog a player unless they're just absolutely miserable (and then they deserve it), and I'll always give credit where it's due.  Although, pertaining to the latter, I might leave out a nugget or two for Tennessee.  Cuz they suck balls.

So you're probably thinking either a) 'oh, he said balls!' or b) 'what is this lofty prediction Joker must be so proud about?'  No, it's not that Bama will trounce Clemson, although a win is very feasible.  It actually has to do with Cullen Harper.

Ya see, I keep replaying the stat line in my head ever since last year. Cullen Harper 27 TDs, 6 INTs.  Really?  That's incredible.  That's so incredible, in fact, that people are already saying he's a first round pick in the 2009 NFL Draft.  Really?  It's not the fact that every single team they play focuses on stopping James Davis and the run?  It's not the fact that they then double back and focus on stopping CJ Spiller and the run?  You don't think that has aaaanything to do with Harper's inflated numbers?

Now look, I'm not here to piss on Clemson's parade.  If I like any Tigers, especially orange ones, they'd be Clemson.  I'm just here to throw reality and logic into the fray.  Now obviously I'm a defensive back kind of guy, but I still see plenty of other positions during the kajillion hours of football I've logged over the years, and my prediction is this:

Write it down, take a picture.  Cullen Harper will throw half the interceptions he threw all of last season in one game versus Alabama on August 30th.

That's 3 picks for my slow readers.  We'll hide different blitz schemes on a young OL that gave up half a million sacks last year (five to FURMAN), Kareem will get a pick and Rashad will get two.

This will immediately tone down the "Harper is God" talk while simultaneously telling the nation to look out, that Mr. Nick Saban down on the Capstone may know a thing or two about defense, and not to count us out for a good run this year.  And you're probably thinking 'buddy, that's not that big of a prediction.'  And then I reply 'don't call me buddy, guy.'  And then I'll add 'why don't you throw out some balls on your own site, open for the entire net-surfing public to see your prognostication, risking hardcore middle-school-esque verbal punishment for even opening your mouth if it doesn't come to fruition.'  Yeah, I didn't think so.  It takes guts to stand up to middle school bullies again, and by God, I'm here to do it.

Cullen Harper 3 picks, and Bama loses 20-19, just to remind us we have another year or two of anguish before we can count our chickens.