The Joker Report

Ya See Son, Back in the Day...

Many of my readers, many of rivals.com subscribers, and most every kid out there right now has no idea how this state used to work in regards to football.  People have short attention spans and even shorter memories, and even though they've heard something about the '93 Sugar Bowl or some guy named Bear, they honestly have not seen any relevance from Tuscaloosa much...if at all.

But the rest of us who actually have gotten laid, have real jobs, and hate people like the aforementioned kids, know that "back in the day", Alabama football dominated the state.  There is a reason why some fans refer to Auburn as Bama's little brother, or the redheaded stepchild, or the cow school, etc.  It's because they got no respect, nor did they do much to earn respect.  Being totally honest with you right now, and I'm not an Auburn hater (Tennessee has that pleasure), the only things I can respect about Auburn are Bo Jackson, that random girl who slept with me on the floor in the kitchen, and a handful of fans that aren't OBSESSED with all things Crimson.  It really is like the little brother syndrome; or little sister to some folks.  They FINALLY beat up on big brother, gain the attention they've been seeking, kicked big bro while he was down, basked in the spotlight...and even when they go undefeated in the SEC, the big guns say "Nah.  No BCS title shot for you."  And as if that wasn't bad enough, little brother honest-to-God makes up a fucking National Championship poll, ironically can't even win THAT, rigs it and even changes the cutoff date, and seriously handed out made-up championship rings on the plains in 2004.

I ask you---would Alabama have done that?  No.  Even people that hate us must admit "no".  And that is the tip of the iceberg as to why we are Alabama---and they are still Auburn.

They had a friggin 10 year window to step on us until we were dead, and they couldn't do it.  Now while they scramble to compete with Nickpoleon Saban, they're making bad move after bad move, and the downward spiral has begun.  Just this year being shutout of the state for ANY top athlete, Tuberville decides to recruit lesser-known, smaller, lighter players to install in a spread offense, a move dictated by the hiring of Tony Franklin.  Let me expound: high school, Kentucky, Troy, and some indoor football team's coach Tony Franklin.  3 SEC losses later, Franklin is fired, Tubs is on the hot seat, and even Auburn's heralded defense is starting to tire of all the excuses as to why they are constantly on the field.  Meanwhile they have an entire class dedicated to the spread---something I highly doubt will be their future, unless otherwise forced.

I'm not gloating, I'm just stating factual evidence.  Some Auburn readers may not like what I have to say, but it is indeed the troof.  It's nice watching them struggle, I can't lie.  But we, as Bama fans, have gone through so much of our own shit, that we're just glad it's not us anymore.  It is a BITCH to go through, Tigers, so hold on tight.  You may even keep Tubby around for another year if you squeak by us in November.  That's a big IF, though.

Speaking of, AU fans, you can hold up 7 fingers before and during our showdown this year all you want.  You think it means how many straight Iron Bowls you think you're gonna win, but we know it means the number of games into his first and only season your vaunted OC lasted.  The times, they are a-changin'.  Might I suggest you stop recruiting tight ends and long snappers, and follow Saban's lead on getting bone-crushers like Mark Barron and T.O. clones like Julio Jones?  Oh that's right, you can't.

Welp, good luck.

Everything is Wrong Nowadays

Okay, so Washington gets raped prison-style because Jake Locker threw the ball up in the air with emotion.  Dude just drove his team down to tie the game against #15 BYU, the team with the logest winning streak in the nation.  The ref threw a flag, they backed them up 15 yards, and BYU ended up blocking the long extra point try, sealing the Huskies' fate.  That's about as low as it gets.

Because of the NCAA trying to crack down on folks celebrating, they made a new dumbass rule for this year, and it's going to count against everybody, and it's already costing victories.  Maybe it's "the man", but someone somewhere just can't stand to see athletes celebrate and show displays of emotion when making big plays on the field.  While I see it as old white men showing force to dissuade young black men's societal reflection on the football field, I'm sure if you ask the reason for this new rule, they'll just site that football is a "team first" sport as their only reason.  Well, as a former athlete, let me just say that sometimes your team sucks ASS and only ONE PERSON can pull off wins.  And if that one person wants to celebrate for defying the odds, then by God let the dude enjoy himself.  Lord knows once he steps off the field, the real world is still there to humble him.  No need for the big bad NCAA to keep their Bama-sanctioning hands on young men's heads and constantly severing any form of passion from an emotional game.

Didn't they call a penalty for one guy doing pushups after not making a pick?  As Daryl in Adventures in Babysitting said, "You gotta be shittin' me."  And then followed up with the spectacular "Watch my mouth?  You gotta be shittin me!"

That said, I'm sure nobody but Bama fans saw #12 from Tulane acting like a GD fool out there Saturday night.  Every series this guy was jumping around like he was on a pogo stick, flailing his arms around as if he's the only person on the field making plays, acting as if the entire crowd should give him credit.  Was it called?  Not once.  Come to think of it, was ANY holding by Tulane called last night?  Not once.  I guess 93,000 people seeing our DL's jersey being stretched to the breaking point isn't in the NCAA rule book for holding.  Sure we played like balls, but that's no excuse for the refs to be subjective.

Which leads me to my next point.  Our AD Mal Moore sent out a mass email asking Tide fans to welcome Tulane into Bryant-Denny Stadium because of their displacement from the hurricane.  They also announced this very same crap before they came out of the tunnel.  Hold on, it doesn't stop there.  For those not familiar with Bama's end-game chant after wins, we claim to have "beat the hell out of you", as we sing to our opponents.  Think Irish guys in a bar joyously belting out their victory tune after a grueling rugby match.  But apparently in the eyes of our AD, saying that to an opponent who had to practice out of state for a few days was just way too classless to continue.  So the rumors were swirling around before the game, and even guys from the band admitted they couldn't play the Rammer Jammer song out of "sportsmanship".  Turns out the Tulane campus got a bunch of wind and rain.  GASP!

This PC shit has GOT TO STOP.  We are being subconsciously trained to worry about everyone else's feelings, think before we say any word in our language, and to always put forth our fellow man before ourselves.  Well fuck that.  "I'ma get mine".  And let me just fill people in on what happens when you tell people what to do on a consistent basis---you get a bunch of pissed off kids.  Then when you have all these pissed off kids on the gridiron to release their pent up anger, you tell them they can't celebrate their accomplishments. Trouble will follow.  Watch.  I wouldn't be surprised, in the heat of the moment, that some football player somewhere will lean back and JACK an official.

Hey, treat men like dogs, they're gonna act like dogs.  Just sayin.

Antici....pation

So over on the rivals.com forums there is a big to-do about Erin Andrews.  Then they polled about who you'd rather, um, have relations with.  Look at those pictures and if you still say EA, then blonde hair blinds you, and I hope you get diarrhea tomorrow during the games.  I could be SOOO much meaner to EA, but I'll save my anger for Saturday night.

So last night we finally got to see some football.  The PAC 10 game was more enjoyable to watch than the lame duck display Tommy Beecher and the Cocks displayed last night.  I'm pretty sure Tommy Beeker could have outperformed that dude.  FOUR interceptions against the mighty Wolfpack defensive schemes?  There could have been two Ford F150s out there, parked, 15 yards from the LOS, and he'd still manage to deflect it off the tailgate instead of hitting his receiver. 

I will admit I did enjoy watching NC State's linebacker Nate Irving all OVER the field last night.  Very impressive in a losing effort.  And Captain Munnerlyn is a better returner than corner right now.  Just like last year.  You can't keep letting fools slip by you deep, Cap'n.

And did anybody notice the S-E-C chants last night?  Thought that was a nice touch.  With the Big XII and Big Televen always wanting to get noticed and put in the same sentence with the SEC, they get to sit at home and watch ESPN's first game involuntarily rub it in their face.  And "we" get a shutout of an ACC team to boot.  Ahh these are magical times.

That said, it's taking WAY too long for the ESPN spotlight game to commence.  It's #24 Alabama vs #9 Clemson, in case you didn't see the 300 commercials about it, or hear Lou Holthz repeatedly praise Nick Saban's LSU defense of old, or hear Mark May repeatedly praise "6'5 240 lb left tackle Andre Smith", as if he's the only player stepping on the field tomorrow.  While I'm on the subject...

LOU, SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT NOTRE DAME.  WE GET IT--YOU COACHED THERE.  GOD HAVE MERCY.

I hope he splits the cleaning bill on the ESPN set.  God knows he's flinging mushed carrots and applesauce saliva all over Mark May and Rece Davis.  Aghhhh.  I digress...

So tonight we'll get to see June Jones and his new team, the SMU Somethingorothers, with his patented passing attack.  Something tells me last year's 170 rush yards per game will change in 2008.  Call it a hunch.  I'm not even sure June knows any other run play than a shotgun draw.  And even then he's like but if you see a receiver open, tell the tailback to throw it!  Temple at Army is the other high profile game.  In other words, you might wanna take your girlfriend out for y'all's last "real" date of the year...while she's still your girlfriend, that is.

Okay, as much as I have to say about the state of my beloved Crimson Tide, I'll have to keep it all in until Saturday night.  And believe me, win lose or draw, I'll have a LOT more to say afterwards.  I feel good about our chances, but like I posted earlier, to hedge my karma and luck, I pick Clemson to win 20-19.  I sincerely hope I'm wrong.

Enjoy Gameday, bitches. 

It's Game Week, Bitches

Maria Menounos looks so good in her new Pantene commercial, I had to give her air time on the JR.  Her voice is a little deep, and I'm sure she's a little high maintenance, but if she were to call...I might answer it the third time.  Seriously.

Just a few observations and thoughts on the college and pro game while Gameday week rolls out the red carpet:

• It honestly didn't kick in that this was game week--that Alabama football begins on Saturday--until this morning in the tub while I was watching ESPN.  While I'm at it, yes, I have a TV in the bathroom.  And you should, too, because you know FULL WELL the best plays happen when the turtleheads pop out.  You can thank me later.
• Apparently there are no other teams in the ACC other than Clemson.  Have you heard anything, from anyone else?
• Either LSU and Auburn can coast to the SEC Championship game with little to no experience at QB and a good defense, but Bama can't even fathom sniffing the SECCG with a veteran QB and young defense.  Hey, that's what the mob mentality proclaims, so it must be true.
• It pains me that Brodie Croyle can't grasp the game at the next level.
• It pains me that Shaun Alexander just fell off the map as if nothing happened.
• It pains me that Demeco Ryans and Roman Harper are, figuratively speaking, the only Bama guys left to root for anymore.
• It's still too hot for me to believe football is about to begin.  I need a crisp breeze, beer cans opening to the chorus of "BUSCH!", and friends walking around who say they care about football but are constantly yapping on their cell phones and walking in front of the TV.  Those days will soon be here, I guess.
• Back to Bama, according to www.BamaOnline.com, Glen Coffee is our starting tailback, Julio Jones will start at both WR and KR, and my preseason favorites nailed down starting gigs as well:  Donta Hightower will start at Will linebacker, and Justin "Joker Done Told Y'all" Woodall will be headhunting at strong safety.  I fully expect one of the two to crack Jacoby Ford in half.  And then give him an atomic elbow drop or whatever the hell wrestlers do.
• I hope Aaron Rodgers is good enough to give Charles Woodson another shot or two at the Super Bowl in the coming years.  And I hope next year Chuck moves to free safety.
• I still hate Notre Dame and hope Jimmy Emu Clausen blows this year again.
• I think the Philadelphia Eagles will win the whole shabang.  A healthy Donovan McNabb is sick, Brian Westbrook is one of the best players on the planet, and folks have forgotten what they look like when they're clicking.  Besides, the city of Philly is due for a championship ONE of these days...

And finally, I'll leave you with my preseason predictions for the SEC.  I'm sure readers will disagree with pretty much everything, but you must have forgotten that what I say is GOSPEL, homeslice.  Stay tuned for any more articles as I get antsy towards the battle at the Georgia Dome:

Overall Records
WEST		EAST
Team	W-L	Team	W-L
Alabama	9-3	Florida	11-1
Arkansas	3-9	Georgia	10-2
Auburn	8-4	Kentucky	4-8
LSU	10-2	South Carolina	9-3
Mississippi State	7-5	Tennessee	10-2
Ole Miss	2-10	Vanderbilt	3-9

Championship Predictions
Division	Prediction
Western Champ	LSU
Eastern Champ	Florida
SEC Champions	Florida

AP Top 25 Rankings

So I typed "brunette" in the google toolbar and this was the first picture.  Works for me.  Note to self...even though you fantastically despise the guys that drive neon coffee can muzzled imports, you should go to the shows for the scenery.

I can't help but think these rankings will be so completely different at the end of the year.  I just don't get it.  I'm with the crowd that says rank 'em after the first 4 weeks or so.  I mean, what's the point?  There is no possible way the rankings will be 100% correct, so why do it before any games are played?

Am I using too much logic here?  Apologies.

Don't read too much into this...

SI.com's Preseason Rankings

Paula Patton.  Positives: Unbelievably stupidly beautiful, was in Idlewild with Andre 3000, has a bright future.  Negatives: Married to Alan Thicke's douchey son.  Sigh.

First let me premise this by saying I've always thought preseason rankings are a joke.  I suppose we need to know where people rank before the games so we can adjust accordingly throughout the season, but if the ranking is too high or too low, that could DRASTICALLY affect the outcome of a team's season.  Now granted this isn't the AP or coaches poll, but they all fit the crime.

Every FBS team from 1 to 119

Now I admit, any list you put up there is open for debate, but some of these are straight up retarded.  Like deep South inbred retarded.  For instance:

Auburn at #7 with an unproven QB, new offensive coordinator AND system, AHEAD of the defending National Champions LSU at #9?  Wtf?  Even Auburn fans should be scratching their head on that one.

Why is Texas Tech at #8, also ahead of LSU, when they have yet to prove they field a defense?  Granted their offense is scary, but it takes two to tango.

Alabama at 29 is fair, maybe a little high.  We're sitting there solely on potential.

Mississippi State at 30.  Granted Croom has done a helluva job there, but it's only been one season.  I don't think I can remember a time when MSU was ranked this high.  Ease off Sly's nuts, SI.com.

Florida State simply will not remain at #41 with that schedule.  Not to mention, even though I have no dog in this fight, it feels like less of a college football season when the Seminoles aren't in the Top 25.  Bobby needs to focus more on recruiting and less on Cialis.

Michigan at 54 is a little harsh, don't you think?  The Big Televen isn't exactly a tough conference, and Rich Rod still has lots of Lloyd Carr's athletes.  USA Today has Michigan at #24...how can there be a THIRTY TEAM disparity on this??

Arkansas at 69?  Just cuz Petrino's an assbag doesn't mean they'll drop like flies.  Sure Run DMC and Felix Jones left for greener pastures, but Casey Dick can throw it better than I thought he could and if anyone can rein him in, it's Bobby.

Hawaii drops alllll the way down to 81.  Wow.  Goodbye Colt, goodbye June, goodbye success.

If last year taught us anything, nobody knows what the hell is going to happen.  But at least, when making these damned rankings, use logic, not favoritism.

/rant.

They Low Down, They Dirty, They Some Snitches

This dude can hang out at my house whenever he pleases.

In somewhat relatable news, Jimmy Johns has given us an almost insurmountable lead in the Fulmer's Cup standings.

Also, Coach Saban is verbally abusing the media for making out perceived depth charts, citing that it messes with young players' heads and throws potential problems in the mix.  He's very protective of his players...that's a good thing.  I guess we'll see a proper depth chart when he damn well feels like it.

And I believe Bama's first fall scrimmage is this Saturday, August 6th.  Let's hope no injuries occur that day, or this entire preseason for that matter.  Same goes to our competition; no good comes of wishing ill will to people, unless it's the aforementioned tub of lard residing in Alabama's northern neighbor. I hope he gets jelly filling all over his dress shirt today.  YEAH, I SAID IT.

Post #2 (wow, already?)

The HIGHLY underrated Kate Mara. If that's not hot enough for you, she's on film making out with Sophia Bush, a perennial top 5 for yours truly.  Directors have all the fun.

So it's roughly midnight, and I have a big day of work tomorrow, so what does that mean?  I can't sleep.  Figures.  So my mind starts racing about the Hall of Fame game tonight featuring such superstars as Jim Sorgi and Rock Cartwright, then I think about the whole Brett Favre fiasco (and in turn how this will affect my boy C Wood, Inglewood, always up to no good), then I think about the Fan Day in Tuscaloosa that was held this past weekend...and what do you know, I won't be sleeping for a couple hours.  So why not post and entertain all 5 readers who happen to be bored enough to see if I've written anything during this offseason.  Well most loyal of readers, this post is for you.

I like how the Crimson Tide are entering this year.  Ask the casual Auburn fan how they think we'll do, and they'll immediately think of John Parker Wilson and Julio Jones; present and future, respectively.  They they'll do some quick arithmetic and supposed logic in their head and boldly proclaim, "Well I don't think anybody is quaking in their boots about JPW coming back, and who cares if they had a good signing class, it won't help them much this season."  Says the fan of a team who held their own last season with three freshman on their offensive line.

Ask a Tennessee fan (once he stops beating his wife): "Oh you mean the Crimson Turds?  Huh huh.  They're in for some revenge for that subpoena stuff.  That's some bull, just like last year's win over the Big Orange."  Then for the next three minutes you'll only hear Eric Berry this, Eric Berry that.

Ask an LSU fan (after he clears the mustard from the corners of his mouth): "Whatever.  Who cares.  We ain't worried about Alabama.  And neither is our coach.  He isn't, ya know.  He has better things to do than worry about Nick Satan and Alabama.  I'm serious.  He's too busy hangin' with Snoop Dizzle."

And then ask me (after I puff another toke on the corncob pipe and politely fold my newspaper): "Honestly, I like all the negativity and pessimism.  From other fans and our own.  It's healthy to have some form of humility.  Nothing good ever comes from going into a season thinking you'll win it all *cough cough GEORGIA cough cough*.  Let the expectations fall on:

• a mistake-prone quarterback---who the entire nation has seen light up really good teams for a quarter or two at a time, until he flubs it up.  If he can correct those momentary lapses of reason, there's a pretty darn good upside there.
• a new offensive coordinator---that the general public thinks is making JPW go through a whole new routine and gameplan, when in reality he's helping shed the bad habits and second-rate coaching job Major Applewhite forced on Mr. Bama Bangs.  Think savvy older man who's been around and has established an extremely balanced offensive attack, picking up the pieces of a fragile ego damaged by a young wannabe Mike Martz, who Mack Brown has since hired...to coach the running backs.
• lack of depth at linebacker---Two words: SALEEM RASHEED.  Why is everyone so quick to discount younger players?  Rasheed, Prince Hall, and Rolando McClain have all been sparkplugs as youngsters, so why are we doubting linebackers from the #1 recruiting class in the entire nation?  Would you rather have Darren Mustin back there, who knows the play but has cement shoes, so he won't be able to make the play half the time...or would you rather have Donta Hightower, who missed his read this time but has taken note to decapitate the tailback next time it happens?  Especially if it's against Tennessee, cuz he hates them, which is why he should by default be your favorite player this year.
• inexperience at vital positions---Mostly directed towards our defense, but that's what makes me smile.  Maybe you don't like so much inexperience being pushed into a role, but how else have you learned to do things in life?  By watching others, or by doing it yourself?  You can only put so much into what a coach tells you to do if you're sitting on the sideline.  Get the young guys in now and let them LEARN.  Besides, you want your best athletes on defense, correct?  God knows our best athletes are just now coming in, so take advantage early.  Charles Woodson bitched Terry Glenn as a freshman.  Eric Berry bitched plenty of people last year as a freshman.  So did Kareem Jackson, who was a "pleasant surprise."  Well I want more pleasant surprises on the field, not picking their noses on the sidelines.  EMBRACE THE YOUTH, PEOPLE."

While we're enjoying such youth and vigor in our beloved T-town, can we change the Bear mumbling to the same highlight reel to something a little more suited to, I dunno, 2008?  Or have they changed things already, considering I haven't attended a game since '07 A-Day?  Hell, just change it to Thunderstruck and I'll be happy.

Can you imagine the buildup for already hyped-up players and coked-up students?  Man, we'd dominate for like a quarter until something happened and then we'd tank the rest of the game.  Heeeeeyyyy, wait a minute...that already happened.  A lot.

Holy Balls...It's About That Time

Did you really think someone had usurped the lovely KBecks from Joker royalty?  Look at her, she's like where is my beloved Joker?  Is he running towards me from out of the sunset?  Yes honey, yes I am.  I'd be hard-pressed to find anyone whose face can in any way look better than in that picture.  Kate Perfectionsale.

So as of this exact moment right now, sitting at my computer eating cheese and drinking OJ, I'm not sure just how I want to approach this site for the upcoming season---or at all.  Cuz see, what some folks call "real life" is a bitch and occupies most of my time.  But college football induces so many emotions from deep inside my belluh, that I figure I have to have an outlet at some point, especially on that one whack ass Saturday when everything goes awry.  So who knows what will happen.  All I know is that right now, I'm back posting.

So I've looked over a couple of old articles, and I've come to realize that I am awesome.  Not only was I funny and insightful, I added PG-rated pictures of babes for (straight) men of all ages to enjoy.  Having said that, I'll add more Elton John and George Michael pics for El Matteo, who, strangely enough, has a job at UA in some capacity of which I'm not at liberty to say.  Translation: dude ain't gonna tell me shit about my team and/or he's a janitor.  Ups, my bad: Custodial Manager.

So we have officially 22 days and some odd change until college football starts/couples divorce/men become fatter.  Actually a little longer than that if you want to watch someone other than Fort Valley State and newly crowned "Titletown" Valdosta State.  The first weekend of college ball usually doesn't have the best matchups, either.  However, 2008 holds a surprise for us all---Bama vs Clemson in the good ol' ATL.  (good movie by the way...cuz I like T.I. and New New is smokin' hot)

Now I know what you're thinking before you even say anything.  Let me suck your brain energy right quick:

Dude Clemson will DESTROY Alabama.  Do you really think a depleted linebacking corps can contain the likes of Thunder Davis and Lightning Spiller?  Nephew PLEASE.  And don't get me started on the other side of the ball with John Parker Wilson throwing up ducks to one of the best secondaries in the ACC.  They'll have a field day with him while simultaneously stopping any kind of running "attack" Bammer can muster with fragile Terry Grant.  You can throw Julio out there all you want, but one man a team doest not maketh.

I'm not sure why people are always so quick to jump to conclusions.  There is so much more than that topical bullshish.  I mean, we know Clemson's OL is a weakness and Davis/Spiller are retardedly gifted.  But as fans, WE don't even know:

How well JPW is learning under Jim McElwain

Who our #2 QB is if JPW gets hurt

How effective Terry Grant is after his injury last year

How badass Roy Upchurch really is (like I told you last season)

Who our RT will be

Who our LBs will be

Who our SS will be

And the biggest question, how good are our freshmen??

So...how does Clemson study us up?

Personally, as much as I dislike him, I think John Parker will have a pretty good year.  There's only so many times you can make mental mistakes before nutting up as a man and getting your head straight.  He's a senior, now is the time.

I also think, even though we're wafer thin at linebacker, we have such tremendous freshman talent there that the dropoff in production won't be as significant as people think, especially by midseason.  But, sticking to the Clemson game, I go on...

Rashad Johnson will get love from everybody in the country this season.  He's the do-it-all safety from a physical, mental, and leadership perspective.  Not to mention he could be the fastest guy on our team.  But I'm more excited about the SS situation...

Which may come down to a continuous battle between junior Justin Woodall, former RB Ali Shaffief, and incoming freshman Mark Barron.  Personally, I want Justin Woodall to start and play every damn down.  Last year he couldn't get the mental game down.  This season, he's hell bent on proving the naysayers wrong.  And this kid is 6'2, 224, lays the lumber, runs like a gazelle, and can pick off anything near him.  As wonderful as that sounds, however, Mark Barron may be even better.  And he may be Saban's favorite player.

So as the teams start fall camps, we should have a better grasp on starting lineups, and in turn form whatever images we can in our heads about how it's going to work out.  Only then, and with various news and nuggets about who can do what, will we know how good our chances of knocking off Clemson will be.  Stay tuned, kids...this should be an interesting season to say the least.