The Joker Report

Social NFL Mock Draft - #20 Washington Redskins

So I added a little text :)

By guest writer El Matteo:

The Redskins need a coach.  There's no predicting who they draft until we know who their coach is.  They need a DE (Calais Campbell, Phillip Merling) and they need a WR (Doucet, Jackson, Manningham).  For the purposes of this draft, I'ma give 'em Campbell.  He's still raw and he's huge.  That means he's got a lot of upside.  So that's the pick.

Now, to those of you who don't know, today is National Signing Day and Alabama just put giant elephant poopie on pretty much everyone else.  (See Joker's previous post for a visual.)

"You know, we have an opponent in this state that we work every day, 365 days a year, to dominate.  That's our goal.  That's what you get up every day to do, to dominate the people that you have to compete against and play against."  -Nick Saban, introductory press conference, January 4, 2007.

The polls are closed, but the votes haven't all been tallied yet.  However, preliminary polling is telling us that Saban and Alabama have signed the number one class in the country.  (Unless you are ESPN, and we're lucky to be in their Top 10.)   Rivals.com has officially declared Alabama as the Recruiting National Champions (http://footballrecruiting.rivals.com/content.asp?CID=771326), although unlike Auburn, we won't have a parade or order rings to celebrate this. 

I'm not really surprised by that.  Saban and staff were relentless on the recruiting trail and there is nothing in Saban's history that would indicate that Bama fans should expect anything less than that.  He was an incredible recruiter at LSU and when you throw in the tradition, facilities and fan base of Alabama, recruiting success was inevitable. 

That being said, it is a bit of a surprise to see that Saban quote I just cited coming to fruition.  Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.  Nick Saban just thoroughly dominated his cross-state opponent.  There is no spin to put on it.  There is no rationalization.  There is nothing, I repeat nothing, that can be said to make the Auburn people feel better.  You just got dominated. (emphasis added. -Ed.)

I've had a difficult time accepting this because it isn't something that I've seen before.  There's no question, over the last 10 years, Auburn has been the superior program.  Not only have they won 6 in a row, but they've competed every year for the SEC championship, consistently maintained a presence in the Top 10, they've put more, higher profile players into the NFL and they've had more program stability.  Other than the number of annoying sidewalk alumni, I'm not sure what other category Alabama may have beaten Auburn in. 

Which is what makes what just happened even more unbelievable.  As long as I have been alive, Auburn and Alabama have split the quality in-state players.  Some go to Auburn, some go to Alabama.  That's just the way it is.  Until this year...

The Birmingham News Super Seniors (Top high school senior football players)

1. WR Julio Jones-Committed to Bama
2. OT Tyler Love-Committed to Bama
3. S Dee Finley-Committed to Florida
4. DE William Green-Committed to Florida
5. OT Antoine McClain-Committed to Clemson
6. LB Jerrell Harris-Committed to Bama
7. ATH Mark Barron-Committed to Bama
8. OT/DT T.J. Barnes-Committed to Ga. Tech
9. ATH Burton Scott-Committed to Bama
10. DE Michael Williams-Committed to Bama
11. DE/DT Undra Billingsley-Committed to Bama
12. LB/DE Courtney Upshaw-Committed to Bama

Disregard the ridiculousness of Burton Scott being rated so low, and it is unbelievable that Auburn did not get a commitment from ONE SINGLE TOP PLAYER IN THE STATE.  Not one.

Furthermore, of the 29 expected Auburn recruits, Alabama didn't seriously or aggressively recruit ONE SINGLE PLAYER.  Not one. 

That just blows my mind.  Two schools, huge rivals, in a great high school football state and measley 3 hours apart, didn't butt heads on the recruiting trail.  (One of the perceived hotly contested battles between AU and UA, namely Jerrell Harris, was merely a figment of our imaginations, because Harris just said that Auburn finished fourth on his list, behind Bama, USC and Clemson.)

If I were an Auburn fan, I'd be really worried.  I'd go back and read that quote from Saban and then I'd look at my coach and I'd probably mess my britches.  The man is as intelligent as any coach in the country, but he is also as tenacious and aggressive as a dog from Bad News Kennels. (I think Vick used "z", not "s". -Ed)  I won't say he's the best there is, but he's without question  one of the best.  Pete Carroll, Bob Stoops, Urban Meyer, Jim Tressell and that's about it.  (Maybe Richt, Rodriquez and Miles belong in there?)   Saban has few peers.   He will continue to  out-work, out-hustle and out-smart his opponents and THAT is why Alabama fans have an insatiable and unwavering confidence and excitement about where this thing is headed. 

Forgive me for the bad pun, but the Tide has turned and I really don't think there's much that can be done to stop it. 

Roll frickin' Tide, man.

(I'd love to hear from some Auburn fans out there.)

Moving on:

I think Joker beat me in his predictions, but I'm a-ok with that.  Nothing can affect my excitement on this day. 

Revisiting my predictions:

Bold Prediction #1:  The ladies of South Beach are too much for Mr. Cody to resist.  And can you really blame him?  Terrence Cody gets a last minute offer and switches to Da U.  (Bama will prove too hard to beat for Alonzo Lawrence, though.)  Right and wrong.  Miami finished with a great class, but they couldn't steal Lawrence or Cody. 

Bold Prediction #2:  William Green and Glenn Harbin both choose the good guys, only to be told we don't have room for them any longer.   Wrong.  Green was never hotly pursued and while Harbin chose Bama, we welcomed him with open arms.  Glad to be wrong on that one. 

Bold Prediction #3:  Julio Jones is very intrigued by Sam Bradford and Oklahoma.  In the end, mama wants to watch him play and Julio comes to Bama as the biggest offensive recruit of the last decade (Non-QB category).  Right!  Finally, I got one right! 

Bold Prediction #4:  Bama will lose Marcel Dareus b/c we don't have room for this brother.  Wrong.  We let them both sign NLI's, so I'm assuming we'll send his brother the JUCO/prep school route.

Bold Prediction #5:  Robert Quinn will choose Bama over AU and UNC. Nick Saban was the first coach to call him and tell him he had a scholarship to Bama whether he could ever strap it up or not.  For those who don't know, Quinn had a brain tumor and his football future was in serious jeopardy.  Now, a full recovery appears likely.  Wrong.  Quinn chose North Carolina.  Considering we signed Harbin and Dareus, I'll get over it. 

Bold Prediction #6:  Jerrell Harris grants me an early Christmas present and comes to the Capstone.  He knows Bama has two starting LB positions wide open and you just can't play for a better defensive coach combo than Saban and Kevin Steele.  A trip to the Bryant Museum and a few clips of Leroy Jordan, Cornelius Bennett, Derrick Thomas, Keith McCants, and Demeco Ryans (and all the other great Bama LBs) makes Jerrell say, "I want me some of that!"  Right!  Jerrell most definitely wants him some of that! 

Bold Prediction #7:  Victor Horn left Alabama and went to Michigan. Max Martin left Alabama and went to Michigan.  Reggie Graham left Birmingham for Michigan State.  Ok, so none of those ever made an All-Star team, and I don't know that any of them ever even played a snap, but they were sort of good once and they left Alabama.  It's Bama's turn now. Maaaaaaaark Ingram (was it Tom Jackson who always yelled that out?) can't resist Nick Saban and the Bama cuties and the warm weather and the wide-open RB depth chart and jumps aboard the Bama Bandwagon.  Besides, the Crimson and White looks so much better than that dadgum green and white of Michigan State. Apparently, Coach Saban won over his grandparents.  No matter how hard you may try, you just can't argue with the grandparents.  Right!  He wanted to be a part of this class and can you really blame him? 

*Some people just can't be argued with.

Bold Prediction #8:  Auburn will close decently b/c they'll get some players that Bama, UGA and Florida no longer have any room for.  Then, when Bama finishes in everyone's Top 3, we'll have to listen to the Aubs tell us how overrated our players are, how underrated their players are (for Christ's sake, they just signed a LONG SNAPPER!), in addition to hearing "One for the (whatever the 7th finger is called) and how awesome Kodi is going to be in the Spread Eagle Offense that offensive genius, Tony "I Taught Jesus The Spread Offense" Franklin is installing.  Calgon, start up the bus...  Wrong.  Auburn closed terribly.  They whiffed on Robert Quinn, Jarmon Fortson, Enrique Davis, Antoine McClain, Dee Finley, Jerrell Harris and lost George Baker to South Florida.  Let me just say, it breaks my heart to be wrong on this one.

So, my predictions weren't great, but I got the two most important ones right, namely Julio and Jerrell.  All things considered, I wouldn't change a thing.

Social NFL Mock Draft - #19 Arizona Cardinals

This is basically what Alabama is doing to the rest of the nation in terms of recruiting.  No we're not shitting on your parade, we're pooping excellence on our way to becoming champions.  On top of people---notice the legs sticking out.  If you want a lovely tale of just how shit is involved in our every day lives, I'd like you to watch a very special video clip.  It explains it all:

If anybody asks you what funny is, just direct them to that clip.  My god, everything's on point.  The accent in the background song, the childhood fairy tale, the cleansing of his spirit in the end...ahhh.  Refreshing.

I hereby grant the Arizona Cardinals Derrick Harvey, DE from Florida.

So I'm supposed to talk about the Super Bowl now, huh?  Eff that.  It's Saturday night and I have plans.  Yes sir, I'm going to start the hard level on Rock Band, if you must know.  And, um, lots of playboy bunnies are coming over and we're all going to have all-night orgies and whatever else you kids like to hear.  Booze, cocaine, blah blah.

I will declare this---Aaron Ross, my choice for best defensive back in last year's draft, will make a big play in the game tomorrow.  I'm not sure if it's game-winning big, but he'll have an impact.  I'm not saying he'll play perfect, as rookies are prone to making mistakes, but the kid has a bright future.  Other than that, I'm really not all that hyped up about this game.  I'll have a few Sammy Adams and try to enjoy it, considering it's the last football game in for-phucking-ever, and I'll try to get back on here and give you my two cents.

For the record, Bama just signed Alonzo Lawrence, the #2 DB in the nation according to rivals.com.  I have a joke to go along with this, but like I always say, I love my Bama brothers and I'll only bash them if they don't show me something on the field.  Considering he stuck to Julio Jones and DeAndre Brown like El Matteo sticks to crazy women (just kiiiiidding girl who reads this!), then I probably won't have anything bad to write about next year.  The quarterback position, on the other hand, should give me loads of material.  I could make another joke there, but I'll be nice.  Enjoy the big game tomorrow, my good friends.  'Til then.

Social NFL Mock Draft - #18 Houston Texans

By guest writer El Matteo:

The Texans need a RB.  They could take Johnathan Stewart, Rashard Mendenhall or Felix Jones.  All would be good choices.  Pac-10 and Big 10 football suck, so I don't know much about those other two.  So, the Texans take Felix Jones and live happily ever after. 

I've had a crappy day, so this Super Bowl discussion won't be too long.  Life happens.  Sorry, kids. Maybe I can get something else in here before the big game. 

The Patriots are going to whip the G-Men.  Why is that?  B/c they are better, that's why.

The Giants have talked too much, while the Pats have just been quiet.  That's b/c the Patriots are the calm, quiet, confident fighter.  They are like Lennox Lewis when he dismantled Mike Tyson.  The Giants are like Tyson, talking smack and showing false bravado b/c deep down, they know they already gave the Pats their best shot (Week 17) and it wasn't good enough.

The Tale of the Tape:

Coaching:  Tremendous edge to the Patriots.  I don't think there is a GM, owner, or fan in the world who could rationally argue that they'd take Red Cheeks Coughlin over The Hoodie.   (Bonus points to Beli for the hoodie.  Nice to see a man with my fashion sense making it big.)

QB:  3 Super Bowls and numerous models to goofy ol' Peyton's little bro? No further questions, your honor.

RB:  I'll give the Giants the edge here.  Ward and Jacobs have been a nice little one-two punch.  Maroney is fresh, though, and has stepped up of late.

WR:  Pats-They've got the most productive corp of wide receivers in the history of the NFL.  Speed from Stallworth, deep-threat from Moss, slot guy extraordinaire in Wee Wes Welker and garbage man Jabar Gaffney. Toss end Super Duper Deluxe Goal line TE Mike Vrabel and Ben Watson ain't no joke, either.  For the Giants, it's not good when the talk about your TE is that he's not there and why do they seem to be better without him?  Plax has been great, but he's less than 100% and most of you probably don't even know who the other Giant WRs are.

OL:  Edge Pats b/c of the beards.  You'd have to see me to understand.  Do not underestimate the power of the playoff beard...ever.

Defense:  Tough to call.  I give the G-Men the edge on the DL.  I give an ever-so-slight edge to the Giants at LB, only b/c the Pats LB's are so old and light skinned.  In the secondary, I just like the Pats.  Harrison and Samuel have been making plays and causing trouble and they should be foaming at the mouth for another chance at Eli.  Overall, the Pats are wily and cunning and have Belichick, so I'd probably take them if I had to choose.

Special Teams:  Even.  Solid kickers, potentially explosive returners, smart coverage for both teams.

Intangibles: 

NYG:  Call it an anti-intangible.  Too many things have gone their way.  Eli isn't this good.  Brett Favre's terrible game in the cold.  A boring, busted up Tampa Bay team.  Tony Romo and Simpsongate.  How many freakin' road wins did Eli have again?  10?  Not possible.  Sooner or later, the breaks gotta go the other way.  Sunday is that day. 

NE:  19-0 and immortality.  Other teams in other sports who have been that dominant over their other teams don't get upset.  I'm thinking of Yankee teams who set the record for wins-They win the World Series.  Even the 85 Bears, arguably one of the most dominant teams ever, lost a game, but blew out the Super Bowl.  The Bulls and 72 wins won it all.  Some great USC and Miami football teams in the last decade. You get the point.  Like Santana Moss said, "Big time players step up in big time games."  These Patriots are the biggest of the big time player going for sports perfection and immortality.  Along with that, you have one of the most singularly focused teams in recent sports history.  They managed to stay motivated and focused even as ESPN was trying to turn them into some Evil Empire (which they are not, nor do I know anyone who feels that they are.  Just ESPN.com writers.)  No way, no how they blow it now.

I think it'll be a game for a half and then I think Brady and Co. see immortality staring them in the face and they go out and get it.  Personally, I'm a Lions fan, I don't have a dog in the fight.  I'd much rather see history made than have to listen to how great of an upset this was and comparing Eli to Namath and other upset-leading QBs.  Not much is worse than New Yawkers on an even-worse superiority kick than they usually are.  Not to mention, ESPN thinking everyone cares about Northeastern sports the most, thus shoving it down our throats.

So, once Brady takes over in the second half, the  Patriots are going to win this by 20 or more points.  That's a fairly bold call, right?  Brady for MVP.  (Not a bold call.)  Final score:  38-17 Patriots.  History made.  19-0.

Joker, to you, I issue a challaaaange.  We're waiting for your predictions.

To satiate your appetite for the lady pics:  Ode to the Glendale area...

Phoenix Sun Cheerleaders: 
ASU Cheerleaders: 
Arizona Cardinal Cheerleaders (with a nice shot of the...umm...Super Bowl stadium): 

Social NFL Mock Draft - #17 Minnesota Viqueens

Viqueens is what all the Packer fans say, so sorry if I hurt some feelings there.  Actually, I'm not, oh land of 10,000 lakes and ridiculously huge malls.  The Vikings select Keith Rivers.  Dude's a beast.  Practically everyone on USC is a beast.  Makes the Stanford loss all the more unbelievable.  And funny.

So far I'm 2 for 2 in the commitment sweepstakes, nailing William Green to Florida (210 lb DE?  better put him on Auburn's "weight training" regimen) and Glenn Harbin to Alerbama.  That means I'm batting 1.000, that I've hit 100% of my shots, and that I'm awesome.  Check it, it's in the rulebook.

I guess I'll wait for El Matteo to start the Super Bowl talk tomorrow, then I'll give my two cents on Saturday, and then the whole shabizzy goes down on Sunday.  For the record, I think Eli Manning is a crybaby, I'll never forget the San Diego to New York trade which pretty much implies he thinks he is better than an entire sports organization and city, and if not shown the proper respect, he'll pout and stomp his feet until daddy makes everything right.  Which is something I also don't understand---what is the love affair with Archie Manning?  123 TDs to 175 INTs?  And 73 fumbles to boot?  What the hell?  Granted, Joe Willie Namath had a similar TD:INT ratio, but far less fumbles AND he was a pimp.  I never saw Archie flashin' mink on the sidelines.  I never saw Archie unify two leagues AND predict the outcome before doing so.  And to top it all off, I never saw Archie hit on a sideline reporter.  Yet we all have to go 18 MPH on the Ole Miss campus?  WHATEVER.

Social NFL Mock Draft - #16 Philadelphia Creamcheeses

By guest writer El Matteo:

Dadgum it.  Why didn't you tell me you were using a different draft order than the one I was looking at! 

The Ravens can't have Kenny Phillips, eh?  Even though I think he'd be a great, versatile pick for them, the growing rumor/story that Jonathan Ogden is retiring makes this pick a little easier.  The Ravens take Sam Baker, OT, USC.  He's big and he's been coached well and USC players usually do pretty well.  Now, that was easy, wasn't it?

Now to the Eagles:  They get T.O.'s money and they buy a cheesesteak for everyone at the next home game at The Linc.  That'd be pretty cool.  On the flipside, my brother and I decided that T.O. should pay back all that money with a truckload of pennies.  That would be awesome.  Here you go, Mr. Lurie.  Have three dumptrucks full of pennies!  Man, that zany T.O...

I don't have much else to discuss.  A week until recruiting day and I get to revisit my bold predictions.  A couple of them aren't looking so hot right about now, but we'll see. 

Nobody is surprised about Bama hoops losing to UT, although they sure did play tough, by-golly!  Moral victories for everyone, on my tab!

Two days too early for a Super Bowl article, so I'll do that with my next one.

Man, I'm boring today. 

Guess I'll wrap it up with a chick pic:

Since it is Super Bowl week, here's soon-to-be-Super-Bowl -MVP Tom Brady's woman.

Here's his old one. 

Which do you like better? (Bridget gets my vote. -Ed.)

Finally, I heard Tom Petty canceled for Sunday and on short notice, here are his replacements:

(EDITOR'S WARNING - NOT SAFE FOR...MANKIND)

Gimme a lifetime of promises and a world of dweeeeeeems!

Social NFL Mock Draft - #15 Chicago Bears

I'm going with a simple and classy picture today.  One of the best ever, Mrs. Cindy Crawford.  Hell, she's probably 83 in this picture.

I'm also going to make El Matteo re-pick for the Ravens, considering that was a dumbass pick, AND make him do the Eagles for the next article as projected.  And find a hot chick, lazy balls.

That being said, earlier I pointed out that many of the supposed "top" quarterbacks are dropping like Britney's babies, so assuming the McNabb to Chicago rumors pan out, and they still have this 15th selection (actually 14th, El Matteo messed that up TOO), then they will jump on Kenny Phillips.  You know, cuz they NEED him.  Unlike the Ravens who already have Landry and Reed.  Have I made my point, El Crappeo?

Now that I've electronically talked smack and sorted this out, I will begin my rant:

I have no rant.  I'm not mad at anything or anybody.  Things are actually going pretty well.  I might even start working out and drinking more water.  How's that sound, ya buncha big fat fatties?  YEAH I called ya fat, look at me I'm skinny, but that don't stop me from gettin' busy...

In other words, there is nothing to talk about.  Later this week we'll have a final rundown of the rumors before signing day, eight days from today.  Looots of high school and junior college folks will be signing the dotted line on February 6th, and even more over-the-top fans will have heart attacks from some of these guys' choices.  Which will be hilarious.  Unless it's a buddy of mine.  And then it's REALLY hilarious, especially if he has a stroke and he...you know what, I'm going to stop there because I don't want the left side of my body to become like petrified wood when I'm 40 just because I made fun of someone in a blog.  However, if you'd like to hear the rest of my story, I won't turn down an open tab at a bar.  Hint freakin' hint.

That's all folks.  Tune in next time when I have something worthwhile to say.

2008 Social NFL Mock Draft - #14 Carolina Fighting Testaverdes

By guest writer El Matteo:

Figured we could use a recap if we're going to finish off this latest mock draft:

1.  MIA-Glenn Dorsey
2.  STL-Chris Long
3.  OAK-Darren McFadden
4.  NYJ-Matt Ryan
5.  KC-Jake Long
6.  ATL-Brian Brohm
7.  NE-Michael Jenkins
8.  BAL-Kenny Phillips
9.  NO-Aqib Talib
10.  CIN-Vernon Gholston
11.  DET-Ryan Clady
12.  BUF-Geno Hayes
13.  DEN-Sedrick Ellis

Going off of NFL.com's draft order, #14 belongs to Chicago, but we've skipped Carolina, so I'm going with them here.  Hope that's cool...

Anyone out there watch Chuck, on NBC?  It's a pretty good show.   It also has this chick, Yvonne Strahovski.  She's relatively unknown, but she's got it goin' on.  You'd never know it from watching Chuck, but she's Australian, and I love Aussie accents.  (So does Joker, who wishes he could go back and have a shot at Olivia Newton-John.)

You TELL ME she's not smokin' hot.  Wooo I love purple eye shadow, too much blush, and feathered hair!  I LOVE IT!!  -Ed.

Now that that is out of the way, let's get back to the Panthers.  If he performs well in his workouts, maybe they consider Andre Woodson.  We previously had them drafting Calais Campbell, the man-child from Da U, but they are about to invest a lot of money in Julius Peppers.  Hard to have two big dollar DE's.  I like Joker's pick of Desean Jackson.  Steve Smith has been begging for a more legitimate threat to line-up on the other side of the field.  They should also probably take a long look at local UNC DT, Kentwan Balmer.  You can never have too many quality DLs and the fans will like the local talent.  However, ESPN's Todd McShay says Mike Rucker may be retiring.  If so, they 've got to fill that gap, so let's stick with the original Joker Report pick and give 'em Calais Campbell.   That would give Carolina two pretty freakishly gifted and large DEs and in a mediocre division (NFC South), decent QB play could get them back in the playoffs.
(Hey shithead, since you don't ever answer your phone, we're not drafting another QB in the first round.  Other than Ryan and Brohm, they all took hits in the Senior Bowl this week except Joe Flacco, who Mike Mayock would date if he could. So no more QB talk until we're desperate.  -Ed.)

Moving on...

No sooner do I bore Joker with my Mark Gottfried rant do the Tide hoopsters put a whoopin' in arch-rival, Auburn.  I'll take it, and it certainly was a must win.  That still doesn't change how I feel about the program under Gottfried.  I'd love to be proven wrong, but after 9 1/2 years under the man, I think we know what he's about.  He's been very successful against Auburn, and let's face it, Auburn ain't exactly a basketball powerhouse. 

According to ProFootballTalk.com, there are rumors out there that Jerry Jones is going to make a play for Darren McFadden.  This makes me happy b/c I predicted it back when we did the first run-through.  Arkansans stick together and Jerry Jones would love to add a Hog to his backfield.
(Well I predicted that Al Davis would trade up to the #1 spot and take Run DMC so this VERY thing wouldn't happen to him.  Maybe I gave the old man too much credit, or maybe I'M JUST THAT FUCKING AWESOME AND THE NFL HASN'T REALIZED MY POTENTIAL.  -Ed.)

AAFL?  We'll have to check it out.  Maybe it'll be worthwhile.  Sure looks like the Alabama squad drew the short straw on the QB front.  Stan White and Jay Barker weren't available?  Give him another sub-par year and maybe Brodie can come on back to Alabama.
(I want to see Santonio Beard as our #34---not Kenneth Darby.  God knows they're both available.  -Ed.)

That's all I've got for now, back to you, Joker.

(Oh, guess I could post your chick now. -Ed.)

Social NFL Mock Draft - #13 Denver Broncos

Gasp!  Joker posted a blonde! (maybe)  Well it just so happens I think, even though she's whacktastically nuts, Sienna Miller is crazy cute.  Especially in that movie Alfie; don't know how or when I saw it, but I remember she was nekkid.  Yes nekkid, I'm from the South.

Broncos select Sedrick Ellis.  That still won't help them from underachieving, but whatever.

So what's the topic of the day?  I still don't know.  When I think of one, I'll erase this little ditty.  Or I might just skip the article altogether.  Why?

Cuz I can.  **flex**

Social NFL Mock Draft - #12 Buffalo Bills

So El Matteo, in his never-ending quest to be lazy, didn't bother finding a hot woman to post.  Personally I can't disappoint my readers, so I present to you incredible hotness.  At first glance, you don't really know who it is.  But if you look hard enough, you'll see some David Blaine in her.  Yes, this is Josie Maran, the magician's ex-girlfriend/supermodel/sexpot.  How he did it, we'll never know.  One of the great mysteries of life, kinda like how Sarah Jessica Parker still makes movies even though she's been dead for three years.  Oh wait---that's her real face?   GOOOOOOSH.  I've seen smaller warts on Paris Hilton's vajayjay... 

By guest writer El Matteo:

Joker Smoker Midnight Toker, could you establish a draft order, please, sir.  Thank you.  (Go by the standings on NFL.com. -Ed.)

Going off of ESPN, I've got the Buffalo Bills slotted right here, so that's where I'm focusing my hours and hours of research.  Calais Campbell is going to be tempting here.  That size is just freakish.  ESPN says Desean Jackson.  I don't want a California kid coming in at WR, personally.   I'm going to wind up going with one of my personal favorites b/c I just think the kid is a football player.  Geno Hayes, LB, FSU.  This may be a little high and Sedrick Ellis and Ali Highsmith are still out there, but I'm a big Hayes fan.  He's a playmaker and has the pedigree and FSU has a great history of NFL linebackers. 

That takes care of that.  Now, to my promised thoughts on Mark Gottfried and Bama hoops.

"Alabama is a football school." We've all heard it. We've all probably said it.  It's a true statement.  But you know, Alabama has a pretty solid history of basketball, too.  Bama fans will support Bama hoops and be pretty passionate about it.  It is always going to be hard to fill up Coleman on a Tuesday night against a mediocre team, but that's not a Bama problem, that's just a logistical problem.  People in Huntsville, Montgomery and Mobile just can't regularly make that drive. 

Alabama has a tremendous basketball history.  7 SEC regular season championships and 6 SEC Tournament championships.  I'm not positive, but I believe both numbers may be second only to Kentucky.  And that's not too bad.  (What you have to understand about the SEC is that as good as Bama football was years ago, Kentucky basketball was even better.  Second to UK ain't no joke.)  College basketball legend and Hall of Famer C.M. Newton coached at Alabama and had success.  Wimp Sanderson's teams were always in contention (6 Sweet Sixteen appearances).   Bama fans  have  had  a lot to be proud of when it came to  hoops.  To make my point, Joker isn't much of a basketball fan, but even he WANTS to follow Bama hoops.  There have been times where he has followed along, but he has given up and barring a change of blood, he won't be back for a while.  (Maybe it's because, with my limited knowledge of basketball, even my "half-asleep, watching this game cuz nothing else is on" ass can tell not ONCE has Gottfriend's teams been coached to guard the perimeter against the three.  I mean, what the hell is the point of even playing this game if you allow three points for every one of your hard-earned two?  Hey, what do I know, maybe logic has no place in basketball.  -Ed.)

I was a basketball player.  Growing up, I never wanted to be Michael Jordan.  I wanted to be Robert Horry.  I loved that guy.  Bobby Lee Hurt, Wendall Hudson, Hollywood Robinson, Melvin Cheatum, Roy Rogers, Antonio McDyess, Latrell Sprewell, Erwin Dudley, Rod Grizzard, Mo Williams, and the list goes on and on.  Bama has had tremendous talent, and while we've never had consistent Top 10 success, we were used to being a hard-nosed, defense oriented team. 

Then you get to the Mark Gottfried Era.  Gottfried was a fan favorite as a player.  The hustling white boy with the mullet.  Then he coaches at UCLA and helps win a national title.  Then he has some success at Murray State.  Then, mama calls and he comes home. He inherits a mess from David Hobbs and Mark goes to work.

In his 10th season, he's only had one overall losing season, his second year.  He has done some very good things for this program.  For a college program, he has done the single most important thing and he has graduated all of his players that stick around.  He and his players have conducted themselves with class on and off the court. We've never had bad attitudes or off-the-court issues.  That is absolutely to be praised.  Coach Gottfried has also had some on-court success.  We were ranked #1 for the first time ever.  We've made two (I think) NIT Finals.  We had our most successful NCAA Tourney run with an Elite 8 run, knocking off #1 Seed Stanford and defending champ, Syracuse.  We've played a nationally recognized schedule and have more than held our own.

Gottfried is often labeled as a good recruiter.  I laugh at those sentiments. Yeah, I suppose he recruits well, at least if you go by the recruiting gurus.  But what is he doing with them once he gets them?  The answer?  Not much.  Kennedy Winston and Rod Grizzard were two of his biggest recruits and both went pro early and neither has been heard from since. Gerald Wallace gave Bama fans a year, then left b/c he had no confidence that staying at Bama would help him get any better.  Gottfried has Mo Williams, Gerald Wallace and Jermareo Davidson in the NBA.  Gerald and Mo had NBA talent regardless of where they went to college, so CMG doesn't get any credit for that.  Jermareo is on a team, but hasn't done anything yet.  If CMG is such a good recruiter, then where are the NBAers?  Isn't that the ultimate test of recruiting talent?  If you disagree with that, then where are his All-Americans?   

(I write the next part of this under the assumption that we will not have a winning record in the SEC this season.  At 0-4 right now, that'd be the safe bet.)  However, there is also a flipside to Coach G's time at Bama.  We're probably about to have our 7th season of 10 either at or below .500 in SEC play.  To me, that is the only stat you need to look at.  His job is to win games and he isn't winning the ones that matter most.  We've also not won the SEC tournament.  Completely off the top of my head, I think we did play for it once, but didn't win.  Other than one memorable NCAA run, we haven't been a good tournament team, and have been "upset" by upstart mid-majors.  Our players don't appear to get any better being in Gottfried's program.  All Gottfried teams are the same.  Same old boring offense.  Lackadaisical defense.  Too much standing around, always get lit up by sharp-shooting outside shooters, don't work hard on the boards, don't press much, have trouble inbounding the ball, and exhibit an inability to adjust in-game.

Even during the Elite 8 run, we won b/c of players and not coaching.  Antoine Pettway was a fearless and clutch floor general and Chuck Davis decided to be unstoppable for a couple of weeks. 

It's terrible to watch.  If Bama is on TV, I am trying to watch it.  I honestly can't remember the last time I noticed an in-game adjustment that made a difference.  I can't believe the last time that I gave Gottfried credit for a substitution or a play call or anything.  When Bama hoops wins, it is almost always b/c the players simply make plays, almost always outside of the offense and defense.  I don't think there is a coach in the SEC who fears playing Alabama.

It doesn't help that on the other side of the state, Auburn has Jeff Lebo who continues to do less with more, as evident by the Tiger's upset of Ole Miss last weekend.  He has SIX scholarship players right now and he beat a ranked Ole Miss team.  This on top of sweeping Bama last season.  Lebo doesn't have half of the administrative support or even half the talent of Gottfried, yet he coaches circles around him every time they meet.  Lebo's Tigers win b/c of coaching.  Gottfried's teams lose b/c of a lack of coaching.

At this point in time, I don't think anyone has any faith in Gottfried anymore.  We are what we are under him.  An above-average talented team who will win if the shots are falling, but we won't play particularly smart, don't create our own luck, we won't make any great adjustments, we'll play just well enough to make it close and win a couple of games here and there, but we'll ultimately lose more than we win.   We don't play with any swagger and we play with no urgency.  It's always been that way.  Even his ex-players agree.  You'll be hard pressed to find an ex-player who doesn't basically say, "He's a nice guy, but he's just not that great of a coach."  It's just depressing to know that just about no matter the opponent, the other team always has a coaching advantage.   

In college hoops, it doesn't take 4-5 years to install your program like it does in football.  If you don't believe me, go look at Baylor who is presently a Top 25 team.   Gottfried has had 10 years.  Every excuse he makes comes right back to him.  "We're young."  You recruit the players and have players transfer out.  Buck stops with you, Coach.  "We don't have Ron Steele."  Had he not been injured last year, Ron would have gone pro this season.  Thus, you should have planned on having a new answer at PG.  "We played hard."  We still lost. 

Bama hoops is at a crossroads.  Gottfried has shown that he doesn't get it.  He's not going to change.  He's had 10 years and he has proven to be nothing more than average.  (He's below average if you count his non-winning SEC records.)  He's not going to change his style.  He's not going to become more demanding.   He's not going to go out and hire good assistants to fill in where he is lacking.

B/c I feel it is the most damning bit of evidence, I repeat:  10 seasons, 7 of them at or below .500 in SEC play.  No other way to slice it.  That isn't getting the job done. 

Gottfried's a nice guy, according to most.  Everyone wants him to succeed, but it has just become crystal clear that he's not going to get it done.

Bama needs to decide to become serious about basketball and go out and hire a good, young up-and-coming coach.  Someone to energize the fanbase and take us where we want to go.  If Florida can do it, so can Bama.  If Ohio State can do it, so can Bama.  If Washington State can do it, so can Bama.  If Texas can do it, so can Bama.  If Texas A&M and Pittsburgh and Memphis can do it, so can Bama.  You just have to have the courage to make the change.

Finally, when this does happen, and it will, eventually, I can already hear it now.  Any objective observer knows that Bama probably needs a change.  However, Gottfried will get the last laugh.  The story will be how Alabama, a school with little basketball history, fired an alum who coached us to our greatest basketball success.  They'll tell the everyone that the fan's expectations aren't realistic and Gottfried will laugh all the way to the bank.

Personally, I just don't see anything wrong with having high expectations for our program.

Gottfried needs to go and until he does, it's going to be very difficult for me and others like me to support this program.  I still support the players, I just have no expectation of them having  any real success.

Social NFL Mock Draft - #11 Detroit Lions

Ryan Clady to the Lions. I don't think they have any other choice.

So as I'm typing this, Hall and Oates are telling me I make their dreams come true.  Yesterday I watched Ferris Bueller's Day off on the Universal HD channel.  And now El Matteo's latest article hints at me delving into the 80s movie genre, so I'm going to have to accept this responsibility.

Let me start with the best.  The best should have all the right pieces in place:

Adolescent material and humor
A funny actor
A "babe"
An alternate life you can escape into
Hot cars
An asshole
Nudity
Timeless jokes

So let's get the usual suspects out of the way so we can find the ultimate.  Top Gun, though probably top ten, doesn't have the babe.  If you think that straw-haired bug-eyed bitch was hot, you need help.  The Breakfast Club, although having the babe---Sheedy, not Ringwald---never had the nudity.  Panty shots aren't "close enough", either.  (for the record, I'm seriously thinking of being John Bender for Halloween.)  And Sixteen Candles doesn't have the nudity either, at least not that I can remember.  But damned if that's not up there near the top.  But this is just the tip of the iceberg for truly enjoyable and hilarious 80s movies; I mean I can't even begin to go into detail about Vacation, Fletch, Revenge of the Nerds, Beetlejuice, Major League, Teen Wolf and Teen Wolf Too, Pretty in Pink, Some Kind of Wonderful, The Goonies, Stripes, Beverly Hills Cop, Better Off Dead, Say Anything, Back to the Future...

No kids, none of the above fit the "best" label.  (I'm counting Caddyshack as a 70s movie even though it was sold in 1980; you can't beat that movie with a baby seal)  Weird Science, however, does.

Adolescent material and humor - the two leading actors were in high school.  Check.
A funny actor - Anthony Michael Hall, Robert Downey Jr., and even Bill Paxton is funny in this
A "babe" - Kelly LeBrock  (uber babe of the 80s)
An alternate life you can escape into - creating a dream girl on their computer?  Awesome.
Hot cars - Gary had the Ferrari, Wyatt had the Porsche
An asshole - Lots of assholes in this one
Nudity - Girl playing the piano in the storm, random pictures on Wyatt's computer
Timeless jokes - Too many to list here

The intro:

Two scenes stand out to me in this almost perfect movie:

The bathroom talk:

And one of the best scenes ever created on film:

Now, as much as I want to show you all the killer clips of all the best 80s movies, this article would be crazy long and crazy disorienting, so I'll just give you quotes from a few:

Teen Wolf - "There are three rules that I live by: never get less than twelve hours sleep; never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city; and never get involved with a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body. Now you stick to that, and everything else is cream cheese."

Teen Wolf Too - "You just hit me with a dead frog."

Breakfast Club - "My impression of life at Big Bri's house, "Son?" "Yeah, Dad?" "How was your day, son?" "Great, Dad. How's yours?" "Super. Say, how would like to go fishing this weekend?" "Great, Dad. But I got homework to do." "That's okay, son. You caaan do it on the boat!" "Gee!" "Hon, isn't our son swell?" "Yes, dear. Isn't life swell?" *kiss*

Top Gun - "That's right Ice...Man.  I am dangerous."

Sixteen Candles - "Jake this is a mother...this is a Rolls Royce, Jake."

Coming to America - "Yes!  Yes!  Fuck you too!"

Ferris Bueller - "Call me sir, goddammit!"

Okay, I'm going to stop there and go off on another tanget.  So I told y'all I watched Ferris Bueller the other day, yes no?  Well, two things about this movie; one, I want my son to live life and be as carefree and immune to the troubles of the world like Ferris seems to be.  Unfortunately it takes a sweet woman to do that for me, but that's a whole other bag of bananas.  Two, Mia Sara's character Sloane Peterson, Ferris' girlfriend, may just be the most wonderful, fabulous, perfectly made woman the world has ever seen.  She just does everything right.  She dresses fashionably (for an 80s movie), she's a very pretty girl who takes care of herself, she knows and understands her boyfriend, she doesn't bitch or backtalk or convince him to do this or that, she isn't interested in her snooty friends (snooty?  snotty.  snotty?), and the very best part---you can tell she just loves Ferris.  She just loves him.  And near the end, she doesn't say "I'm going to marry him", she distinctly says "he's going to marry me".  Now granted Ferris Bueller is the shizz and many women would do and say some of the things she did, but they wouldn't act like her.  And just for extra icing on the cake, recent photos show Mia Sara still ain't bad---and has excellent legs, so I'm sold.

As for other 80s women in movies that I really really really wish I could have dated back in the day:

Bachelor Party - Debbie Thompson (Tawny Kitaen)
The Goonies - Andy the cheerleader (Kerri Green)
Teen Witch - Louise Miller (Robyn Lively)
Thundercats - Cheetara (who didn't want to hit that?)

I just realized every single one of them is a redhead.

And I know reader "PGrizzle" is pissed I didn't talk more about Coming to America, but I try not to turn my articles into novels.  Plus you can comment on them and we'll all reminisce.  When Darryl throws the shake on Akeem...ohhh boy.  Gets me every time.  "Hey, take care of this."  HA HA HA!!