The Joker Report

2009 SEC Championship

So I keep looking for Ask Aida, a cooking show on the Food Network, but I can't find it.  It probably comes on during the depressing part of the day---you know, around 10 am when the Price is Right is on, and you only remember that show when you were sick as balls in middle school?  So I got a picture of her---chick on left, and she reminded me of the chick on the right, Charisma Carpenter, that Cordelia character on Buffy, the vampire show.  I doubt Aida is bangin' like this, but I'd be remiss if I didn't give y'all one more pic.  You could say she has a certain...how you say...Charisma?---even white boys got to shout!

So I kept looking for pics of Aida, and I found another one, and she looked like someone else---Jennifer Garner.  Granted I couldn't find the exact fit for Jen's photo, but y'all know what I mean.  Got the same expression, at least.

And so I found yet another picture of Aida, and she looked like someone else.  Katie Sticksel, from Project Runway.  How the hell do I know of her?  I just do, I'm worldly like that.  And this match makes up for the last pic, it's dead on.

So you're probably thinking ehhh, I guess they each look similar.  Hey dicknose, do you know how much time I just put into finding Aida's pics, finding her look-a-likes, copying and pasting without any proper application to do so, and then putting them all up here for YOU?!  For YOUR enjoyment?!  God, you kids these days are so spoiled it's laughable.  I bet you just paused your PS3 before switching to your $1700 laptop, didn't you?  Can't even turn the thing off cuz you're so addicted.  Tell you what, go save your game and turn it off, I have a lot to say.

Starting off, there are so many parallels, so many differences.  This means there are a million different avenues to drive down with the top down, readers all in the backseat, just happy to be along for the ride.  Unfortunately, I don't have all day to write all my thoughts, so just jump in and we'll run down to the corner grocery and get you some smokes or something.  I'll probably get some of that beef jerky chew that runs out after two scoops.

Here we go, seatbelts on?  Okay, no fancy frills or national ranks or defensive stats here...just good ole fashioned urges, hunches, and grown men talk (with a couple good jokes):

Soooo obviously I heard today Carlos Dunlap got a DUI because his dumbass fell asleep at a stoplight while intoxicated in his car.  Awesome, who's he's trying to be, El Matteo?  (I promise you I just made some people laugh.)  I also just heard that he won't even make the trip for the game now (fluid situation with Urban Meyer---don't take as gospel), so along with mine and reader Matt Markham's hunch that he'd only miss a damn quarter (it's not like he eye-gouged someone and would have to miss TWO WHOLE QUARTERS), I guess you can throw that out the window.  Good, now his being gone is equivalent to Dont'a Hightower being gone if you ask me.  Now we're even except for that fathead with eye black.  How awesome would it be if a ginger QB outplayed the water walker?  The same QB I've backed all year when even his own fans started looking towards AJ McCarron, a fucking FRESHMAN.  Goddamn some people.  Let the kid breathe.

I also heard today that Tim Tebow turns wine into water.  Yeah, the exact opposite effect of Jesus, and the exact opposite of what you'd like.  You thought he was as cool as JC, but it turns out he's Buzz Killington.  If you believe the media, he would flirt with an underage girl just to get the drink out of her hand so he could replace it with some high quality H2O.  Is Tebow the Waterboy?  I dunno, but like I said, he can walk on it, soooo.  I mean, I really don't want to harp on this guy, because while I'm typing out T-e-b-o-w right now, so are thousands of other people on home computers and laptops, in blogs and sports articles, in love letters and in text messages.  What I find amazing is how often cameras are around when he's doing a good deed---it's like...it's like it's all PLANNED OUT or something?!  Not only do we see EVERY ACT OF HIS CHRISTIAN LIFE on camera, we have to put up with him hugging everybody he sees, saying "God Bless" so many times it's as if he's at a compulsive sneezers convention, and we have to see his parents every third camera frame.  Can we at least switch his parents with Urban's daughter?  Damnation.  That's a Joker girl if I ever saw one.  Man, I could wreak havoc in that household.  I could also wreak havoc...no no, play nice Joker.

By the way, Tim Tebow is totally fine having front court seats at the NBA playoffs, but Mark Ingram and Julio Jones get in trouble for accepting a fishing trip.  A FUCKING FISHING TRIP.  Colt McCoy hangs out with the Bassmasters champion of 2008 or some shit, fishing his ass off all day, but...no mention of that either.  Funny how that all works out, eh?  Nobody from the NCAA all the way down to the fans plays favorites, do they?  Anyway, enough sour grapes.  Besides, Tebow hates grapes cuz of the whole wine thing.

Lessee, Lessee...there's something else.  There's someone else who really likes Tebow other than Tebow, Tebow's mirror, Urban Meyer, his parents, the players, the fans, ESPN, straight people, gay people, religious people, vertical stripes people, cat ladies, hermaphrodites, ancient relics, jolly rogers flags, The Littles, crumbs of bread on the floor, bags floating in the wind...

...can't quite put my finger on it.  I mean, who's left?  Oh, that's right.  BURT and JERRY.

Burt and Jerry who?  The ice cream guys?  No, you know, the commentators, Burt Sunkist and Jerry Manuelson?  (Hey, if they don't bother to get people's names right, I won't either.)  Yeah, as if the FSU/UF game wasn't enough of a complete suckoff of disgusting and uncomfortable proportions for you, well then Saturday is your lucky day!  The ENTIRE SECOND HALF was only about Florida this, Tebow that, Meyer this, last home game that.  It was an outright disgrace to Seminole fans and the players themselves.  It just kept picking up steam, and it felt like I was at a little kid's soccer game and that one redhead shit (Bradley) who makes engine noises when he dribbles just dominates everyone out there.  That's all anyone focused on, and it was unbearable.  And more of it to come on Saturday!  HOORAY, WE ALL WIN!!

Now, before I begin breaking it down again, I want to say something.  I will preface this by saying this is meant as no offense to Auburn or their fans.  Read that again, because that is not my intent.  Now...some may say Bama came out flat, or Bama took all the pats on the back before Auburn as the final score, or whatever.  I will be bold enough to say we may have sandbagged.  There are just too many things I saw that didn't add up.  Maybe this just happened to be the game where we were all inconsistent, but I call bullshit.

Ya see, on that long TD run from Zachery or whoever it was, Javier was in pursuit and a) took a terrible angle, which he never does, and b) didn't squat and turn like the diminutive corner he is known for, and c) didn't give effort in the chase after he got turned around.  What??  Why did he do that?  Additionally, why did Mark Ingram immediately hit the hole when given the ball, when he has ALWAYS had the patience for things to open up?  Why, after doing this, did he not find a cutback lane and get more yards?  What's more, after having read that the defense practiced "staying at home" and "not missing their gap assignments", they completely threw that out the window for the first quarter?  McElroy outthrew Todd, yet Tate outgained Ingram?  What the hell?  It was just too...sketchy, from my standpoint.

Now I know some of y'all may contribute that to the hostile crowd in enemy territory, early jitters, too much adrenaline, whatever.  Well it's been said we've been saving some "wrinkles", so why can't one of these wrinkles be that we save our mojo, our gusto, our machismo for THIS game, considering everyone assumed we were going to get by Auburn anyway?  Again, no disrespect meant, but I think---to a degree---Coach Saban was sandbagging.  Strike me down as I sit here, but I'm sticking to it.

I went over the QBs a little, so I'll make this one quick.  Tebow is better, but that's because he's a fullback who can throw a decent pass.  Urban's offense---the speedy players he uses and the way he opens it up for easy looks---is why Tebow is so good.  If we can play zone, throw in zone blitzes and corner blitzes that he can't see, then he'll have a helluva time trying to find those guys running wide open like you usually see.  Still, Tebow is and will always be the advantage here.

OL - I promise you, I PROMISE YOU there will be a scuffle between Florida's O-line and Bama's D-line.  The two Pouncey brothers are two little tattooed punks who get off on elbows and fingers in the ribs towards the end of the play.  Racer alluded to this, but Tebow's holier-than-thou aura helps the public to largely overlook how thuggish ruggish bone these Florida guys are.  I called Brandon Spikes out from the start---don't think I'm making it up with their OLs, either.  Thing is, I'm not sure you'd want to piss off Terrence Cody, and especially Marcell Dareus.  Dude could pick you up, split you in half, and eat you like a damn Harry Potter centaur or some shit.

Riley Cooper.  A tall, gangly white boy who seems to dog all the brothers.  Now that just doesn't make sense.  This isn't Chris Doering or Chad Key, this guy has legitimate speed and knows when to sit in between zone coverages.  Every time I see him, Jackyl lyrics come to mind---"long-haired motha fuck."  Problem here is that, unless Kareem Jackson has help over top, he'll do the same thing to us.  I say you keep KJ and Woodall on Cooper, and put Barron on that tatted up tight end Hernandez.  Hisnandez?  No, Hernandez.  You don't think Mark Barron could put the clamps---and the pop---on this cat?  I'm about to call DC Kirby Smart and give him my thoughts.  Speed dial 4, and throw me the phone, yo.

Everybody I've read or talked to has said this will be a close game, and it'll all come down to special teams.  That's not necessarily true.  Let me give you the odds:

Close Game, Florida Wins - 40%
Close Game, Bama Wins - 20%
Blowout Game, Florida Wins - 20%
Blowout Game, Bama Wins - 10%
Overtime, Fate Decides - 10%

So the Gators have the edge having done it all before, having the faster players, and having Tim Tebow.  But Alabama has bigger players, with a better grasp on adjustments as the game progresses, and they're going to be berated with shit bombs just like Auburn last week:

We're the underdogs
Nobody is giving us a chance
Hell, nobody is even talking about us

However, one thing is different.  We already went thru all that shit last year.  As Rolando McClain already pointed out, "we're hungrier this year."  Not to mention Bama is better overall than we were last season, with better players, better finishing, an actual pass rush, a more elusive running back followed by a freshman stallion, more guys stepping up in the clutch, etc.  And Florida may be worse---considering no Percy Harvin (again), no Cornelius Ingram, and no Louis Murphy to come back and help; no Carlos Dunlap, at least at the time of writing this article; and the regression of TT's focus due to the concussion symptoms.

Okay, I'm tired of the blabber, for today at least.  I have two predictions as of this Tuesday night, and I don't know which one it will be just yet.  Either:

Florida 21 - Bama 20: Mr. Tiffin pulls a wide left with 5 seconds to go, cementing the opposite legacy of his father...

or

Alabama 33 - Florida 14: All the tricks, all the anger and resentment, and the first time all season we play up to our potential across the board.  If we do that, UF will be lucky to score 14.

Now, I'm not sure if I'll get antsy and start writing more articles or what, but just in case I don't, I'm going out with a bang.  Click on this picture for a bigger image, then click again to zoom in.  And don't tell me I don't deliver the goods when I hand to you, free, the women of the world.  In bikinis.  Dibs on Puerto Rico.

P.S. -

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SEC Championship - Racer X

Auburn has been processed and it is now time to focus on the Big Enchilada, the Big Shebang, the Big F'n Deal, the Run for the Roses, the SEC Championship Game. 
 
All of America has been itching for this game after last year's classic in Atlanta and both teams stepped up and delivered.  It wasn't easy and both teams survived a few close calls (Bama maybe cut it a little closer), but it is here.  I, for one, can't wait. 

 

Remember Freddie!

I could go into an in-depth analysis, but I'm basing my prediction on just a couple of factors. 

 

Remember Reggie Grimes!

The odds are against Tim Tebow being lights out again like he was last year.  Bama fans were BEGGING for one turnover or one incomplete pass on 3rd down, but it never came.  The guy is very, very good, but the odds of him living up to that again are not high.

 

Remember SU and Big Sam!

Nick Saban has had this one circled for 365 days.  He has had his team focused on one goal and one goal only this entire year.  Beat Florida. 
 

Remember Tyrone! (Note:  Do not Google Image Tyrone.  Ouch!)

Bama is hungry.  Bama is fired up.  Bama is focused.  Bama wants to get where Florida is.  There will be no fear factor.  No intimidation factor.  Bama wants it. That's not to say that Florida doesn't want it, too, but when those UF seniors who have already won 2 SEC's and 2 NC's get into the fourth quarter, who is going to want it more?  How hard did you work for your first piece of ace?  How hard do you work for the subsequent pieces once the mystery and awe are removed?   
 
Then you factor in the way that everyone is jumping off of the Bama bandwagon all of a sudden.  Nobody believes Alabama can win this game.  Every Sportscenter, every magazine, every newspaper raves about Tebow, Tebow, Tebow.  (I feel you, Jan.)
 
Tebow beats a veeeery weak FSU team and all of a sudden, they are world beaters.  Nevermind that Bama was more impressive against common opponents.  Nevermind that UF has struggled to score on several teams with defenses much weaker than Alabama's.  Nevermind that Carlos Dunlap just got arrested.  (What does that say about his focus?)  Nevermind the talk of Urban Meyer to Notre Dame.  Nevermind that UF is still on Cloud 9 after the Tebow love fest.  Nevermind that, no matter what they say, UF does not see Bama as the threat that they should. 
 
Throw out the Auburn game. Quoting Finebaum here, but that was a confluence of events that led to that game and Bama did what needed to be done to survive it.  That game is over.  Now it is man on man, gator on elephant. 
 
I'm not taking anything away from Florida.  They are ridiculously talented and until you stick a dagger in his heart and cut off his head, you can't count Tebow out.  That being said, Florida ain't seen nothing like they are about to see this weekend.  I think you will see a fired up, passionate, emotional Alabama team that will absolutely play their best game of the year and will leave every ounce that they have on the field. 
 
Finally, you have karma and everyone always says it is a bitch.  The Gators are straight thugs.  Spikes is a thug. Hernandez is a thug.  Riley Cooper?  Joker, do you want to take that one?  (Oh I will. ~J)  They run their mouths.  They take cheap shots. They are too cocky and too arrogant and it's time for them to get theirs.  The media imposes Tebow's sainthood upon the rest of the team, but it is misplaced and unfair.  I don't think there is a team in the country that deserves what's coming to them more than the Florida Gators.  
 
All of that being said, football games still have to be won for football reasons.  Everything I have mentioned are intangibles.  I think Bama's secondary will be able to cover UF's WRs.  Hernandez poses some match-up problems, but that's where the luxury of a Mark Barron comes in.  Mark can run with Hernandez and Mark can and will light that mf'er up when/if he catches a pass.  Play Robby Green at safety and let Barron roam.  UF hasn't faced any RBs as good as Mark and Trent.  I think Bama's absolute commitment to winning the 4th quarter and playing physical football will pay off.  Florida hasn't been hit for 4 quarters all year.  On Saturday, they will be.  I think Bama will be able to get some pressure with just the front four, which leaves Ro to spy Tebow and keep him contained.  I think Bama's O matches up well with UF, too.  UF's D is so fast.  You can't run sideline to sideline on them.  You have to run right at them and try to stretch the field with play action.  Julio and Peek having success is going to be very important to Bama's O and GMac's confidence.  And then you have freakin' Javier Arenas.  That cat ain't goin' out without some fireworks.  He remembers catching that ball on the 5 last year.  He'll be looking to flip the field and make a play. The NCAA record is his for the taking.  Just like the single-season rushing record is there for Mark.  So much at stake, so much on the line. Is it Saturday yet? 
 
Everyone is worried about the Utah pass to Hernandez.  That play doesn't worry me in the least.  Barron or Nico will clean up Hernandez, Ro will take Tebow and Justin or one of the other DBs will take the pitch man.  Bama's D is too disciplined to get bitch slapped like FSU's weak D did. 
 
It's going to be a dog fight.  It's going to be tight and tense and intense.  Both sides will be fired up and it will be a war.  In the end, I think Saban has worked too hard for this one game and I think Bama's team wants it a little more and I think that will be enough to pull it out in the end.  Say what you want about him, but through it all, Tebow is a winner. He'll get his shots in there, but at the end of the day, I think Bama pulls it out.  Too physical, too talented and too determined to conquer this obstacle in their path.   
 
Alabama 24

Florida 20

- Racer

(Well done article, Mr. X.  Getting me fired up for my article. ~J)

Iron Bowl Pt. 3

So I just randomly saw this girl in cyberspace, named Jurgita or some crazy foreign shit, and I figured I owed it to my readers to start throwing more T&A their way.  I know y'all were getting tired of the body-less faces, but come on, at least they were damn easy on the eyes.  I mean, at least they're not Notre Dame girls.  THE GOOSH IS LOOSE!!  I've never feared for Jimmy's life, but ghe...mmwarble...um, what I'm trying to say is this.  Holy frijoles tell me the North has better average chicks than that, or I'll just stay down here and keep banging sheep.  SERIOUSLY.

HOW AUBURN CAN WIN ON FRIDAY

1. Taking every opportunity they can to increase field position.  Our special teams coverage is still abysmal, and we seemingly skate by every game with 40+ yard runs from the opponents, only because our defense bails us out yet again.  Get it past midfield, and with Auburn's offense, I can see a FG or better more times than not.

2. Stay focused within their offensive mindset.  Once they get in that zone, it's hard to stop.  Auburn fans can hate on me all they want, but I give credit where it's due if they bother to read everything I say.  Even with our highly ranked defense, if the Tigers get into a rhythm and call that no-huddle shit, we'll be back on our heels for a couple of drives, and it won't be fun to watch.  The key here I believe is Chris Todd.  Will he get rattled or will he stick to the gameplan?

3. Get as many 3-and-outs on defense as possible from the start.  College football is about momentum, and getting it early and often is a good way to let Bama realize you're not a pushover.  Once the crowd gets into it, once Bama players start to change their thought pattern, then that's where you need to hope #2 above comes into play.

Listen, there is always a chance for the underdog.  Just ask Standford as a 41-point dog to USC a year or two ago.  But the Auburn Tigers will have to play the game of their life, act as if they're not tired, play as if they've been thru Chinese water torture with Bama players' piss, quick strike big plays on offense, and hit hard on defense.  There is a reason this is the best rivalry in football, so I expect nothing less from them.  That said...

SCORE PREDICTION

Auburn 38
Alabama 12

Oh wait wait wait...that's touchdowns allowed, my bad.  What I meant to say was:

Alabama 27
Auburn 13

I feel as if the first 10 points in this game will be from Auburn, as they're a quick start team and Alabama is usually slow to wake up.  The crowd, the atmosphere...people will be going bonkers and all the drunk lunatics will be yelling at our players like take your elephant asses home, this is our night or I can't wait to get back to my double wide and slap my mama or something along those lines.  Unfortunately for them, the onslaught will come in the second half in the form of a, dare I say, Crimson Tide.  Believe me, they will NOT want to see Trent Richardson anywhere near them after Friday.  He's like the Tasmanian Devil out there, just elbows and teeth.

I'll leave you with this speech from a guy you may or may not know.  Auburn fans, just go ahead and make maggot jokes and take another swig of your Michelob Ultra.  Actually, it's best that you take your Virginia Slims smoke break now, as grown men are about to reminisce about a legend. 

Reader Pick/Iron Bowl Talk - Week 13 - AUJclayton

Alright, it is Iron Bowl week and Thanksgiving is around the corner!  That means that everyone, AU and Bama fans alike are looking forward to good food, heavy drinking, and a great football game!  What?  It is not going to be a great game?  Oh, ok….apparently Alabama has already won….damn.  Well that is a shame, I really thought that AU had a shot this year, but since it is already over, I DIGRESS (can we quit using this phrase on the site yet?).

Clearly, I am from an entirely different Iron Bowl tradition than every other poster on this site, because the one that I was raised around involves respect, tradition, and good football.  RESPECT is a word I feel all of them should explore a little. 

I know it would be all too fun if I would attempt to lower myself to ‘take some shots’ at the Tide, but that just isn’t me.  I actually have some respect for the other team, despite its fans.  I am also fully aware that just because the Bama fans on this site are this way, or even the few that I have had exchanges with on the message boards seem a little arrogant, IT DOES NOT MEAN THAT ALL BAMA FANS ARE LIKE THAT so I will not spend my entire post writing about how ridiculous Bama fans are.  It seems a little pointless.  Besides, we have already read on the JR that Auburn fans are delusional, cocksuckers, and annoying hillbillies….etc….. (I can’t imagine why there aren’t any AU readers).  So how could anyone really take anything that I say seriously. (it's okay, tenderheart. I'll admit the cocksucker hillbilly part, but I never said delusional, and I never lumped the fans all together.  If you, however, would like to counter any of the points I have made, I'm still waiting. ~J)

Maybe the Auburn fans could learn something from our Alabama brethren.  I mean after all, they have been successful for so many years, and with all of those National Championships, not only have they learned to win, but they have learned to do it with class and respect.  On that note, I will leave you with a quote that I believe sums things up.  When referring to the Iron Bowl he said,  “There's not going to be any pressure. It's just going to be the same old team that we played last year."-Greg McElroy.  See, this is the class and respect that I am referring to.  Like I said, after a program gets to this level, it just comes naturally to the players.  When you have a big time player who arguably plays the most important position on the field and he has this great of a mindset, I mean what else is there to say.

I know, I know, Ben Tate said that he was better than Ingram.  I get it, I get it.  No, really, I do.  And yes Joker, I do see that you put (not all) in your reference. I think that it will be a good football game and I look forward to seeing it.  WDE!

My Iron Bowl score prediction is 28-24, Bama.  The lack of depth will catch up with Auburn.

I am not sure if I have already beaten Retard X or not, so I will submit my 5 regardless.  My Joker Report 5 star pick is

Georgia Tech -8 v UGA  5 Ellingtons
(again, like I told Racer, it's only this pick that counts, but I'll keep the rest up. ~J)

BYU -7.5 v Utah  4 Ellingtons
(I have to take your BYU pick since the GT was taken. ~J)

Idaho -3 v Utah State  3 Ellingtons

FSU +24.5 v Florida  2 Ellingtons

Auburn +10 v Alabama  1 Ellington

Happy Thanksgiving and WDE!!!

(Much respect to Clay for not wigging out at all the Crimson.  I could bring more fury (and I will), but just not against Mr. AUJ. ~J)

Iron Bowl Pt. 2

Go get you some coffee or a beer, and you better piss before you read this, too.  I have a lot to say.

So this post will be where we break it down, old school rap style.  Except no rapping, nor is it old, so...yeah.  First, I want to give you another glimpse into certain (not all) Auburn fans' mentality.  This is a copy from an Auburn fan's SERIOUS breakdown between the two schools' starting lineups:

Quarterback: This one isn't close. Todd has more yards, more touchdowns, and only one more INT on only 7 more attemps. AU advantage (and having the better quarterback is a huge advantage).

Tailback: What is Ben Tate + Bammer Media Hype? Mark Ingram. Now that McCalleb is healthy, we can also say that he has been more productive than Richardson. That gives us...slight AU advantage.

Wide Receiver: Adams has been far better than Whoolio, but they've got a bit more consistency from their 2 and 3 receivers. Push.

Tight End: inapplicable because AU doesn't use a true tight end

Left Tackle: Ziemba versus a JUCO transfer? AU advantage big.

Left Guard: Johnson is good, although Isom is solid. but still SPUAT advantage

Center: Pugh versus a hobbit. Seriously, the kid looks like he's 5'9". Big AU advantage.

Right Guard: Mike Berry for AU, redshirt freshman Jones for SPUAT who's looked lost most of the time. Big AU advantage.

Right Tackle: McCain versus Drew Davis. Push.

Left End: Antonio Coleman is a better true defensive end than anyone on the SPUAT team. Advantage AU.

Right End: Carter is solid. SPUAT has some solid players against the run. Push.

DT's: Cody is good, but you don't even factor him into this game. The Malzahn offense totally takes him out of the game. Ricks and Blanc are the best 1-2 DT combo in the SEC West. AU advantage.

OLB's: Freeman and Stevens versus Eric Anders and Corey Reamer. For all Sabear's "great recruting", AU has a 5* and a 4* here, and Bammer has an unranked and a 2*. Big AU advantage.

MLB: McClain is good, no doubt, although Bynes isn't all that far behind, despite what your fishwrapper may tell you. Still, SPUAT advantage.

CB's: Jackson and Arenas are good at talking. We'll see how good they are at covering passes when they don't even know where the ball is. McFadden is tied with Jackson in passes defended, and Thorpe is in the top 10 while Arenas is not. Slight advantage AU.

SS: Woodall for SPUAT, Demond Washington for AU. Slight advantage SPUAT.

FS: Barron for SPUAT, Daren Bates for AU. Both young guys. barron is more of a LB playing safety who can be had in pass coverage, while Bates is a true safety. I call this one a push.

This analysis makes it clear...SPUAT does NOT have the talent advantage in this game that they're bragging about. Auburn has had some bumps and bruises along the way this year that come along with the first year of a coaching staff, but this is a team who could EASILY be sitting right were Bammer is had a couple of balls bounced the right way.

Final Score: Auburn 34, SPUAT 13

Now, before I begin to rape this kid's vision of American Football with the wisdom and sex appeal of eight generations of New Moon vampires, did you happen to notice he can't say the words Alabama, Bama, or UA?  That's called fear.  It's also why we sometimes refer to Auburn as our little brother, because only a little brother would act so immature as to not even say our name correctly, much less let any kind of proof/logic/real world results stand in the way.

A couple things stand out to me (although, let's be honest, everything he said is a point of contention):

--- RB has an AU edge?  Really.  Reeeeeeally?  I know Ben is the best back to ever hold a football, but Tate + McCallebb > Ingram + Richardson?  Get the fuck out.  Just grab your Zima and get the fuck out.  Let me throw on Roy Upchurch, Demetrius Goode, and Terry Grant while I'm at it.  Last year---as a backup---Tate managed 12 yards against a lesser Alabama defense.  Last year---as a backup---Ingram managed 64 yards and 2 touchdowns against a BETTER Auburn defense. Tate is up against Cody, McClain, Woodall, and Barron this year.  Ingram is up against whoever is healthy enough for Auburn to put in the game.  End of fucking story.

---I like how Tight End isn't in Bama's favor; it's "inapplicable" because the Tigers don't throw to one of their 8000 TEs on the roster.  Oh wait, they were TEs while being recruited, but then changed to every other position on the depth chart.

---LT - Ziemba over Carpenter, AU "BIG" advantage?  Dude, lay off the fumes!  We allow ONE sack per game average, and I promise you Auburn's average is worse.  It all starts with the left tackle.  This guy's reasoning is becuz he's JUCO.  Brilliant.  Hell he's better in pass protection than Andre Smith ever was.

---C - He takes Pugh becuz Vlachos is a "hobbit".  "Big AU advantage".  Nevermind the monster Auburn has to block on Friday.  Nevermind who Vlachos blocks every day in practice.  And when Cody leaves, Josh "Strongest Person on the TEAM" Chapman relieves him.

---It's clear the only DL he knows on our team is Terrence Cody.  He can't name any of them other than TC, and he splits up the advantage that way.  If you don't know who Marcell Dareus is, then my friend, keep your eyes on #57 and try not to cry.

---OLB - He talks shit about Saban's recruiting, then he bases this advantage on who had the most stars coming out of high school.  Awesome.  This is so wrong, I'm surprised the world hasn't collapsed on itself.  1) Saban recruited neither Anders nor Reamer. 2) Eltoro Freeman only knows one thing---run fast when you blitz.  And he hasn't even played most of the year.  3) If your only option is to base your argument on who had the most stars, you fail at life.  Demeco Ryans was a 3-star, Rashad Johnson was a walk-on.  Nuff said.

---CB - Now this one is funny.  I'm the DB guy, not this nutsack.  if you honestly think the only thing that matters with corners is passes defended, then you have the brain of a gnat.  He's basing this entire matchup on that, which *gasp* cleverly omits Javier Arenas from the Top 10.  Let me take this time to add this li'l tidbit in here from Auburn running backs coach Curtis Luper: "But they've got some ball hawks in the back. I think Arenas is the best player on that football team."  Interesting opinion Coach Luper, but some of your fat fans disagree.

For us, as bad as Marquis Johnson has been this year, he has completely switched gears and is competing at a high level now, batting down everything coming at him.  Meanwhile, Neiko Thorpe is out in his front yard wondering why he can't catch a single leaf falling from all the trees.  If not a Bama advantage, this is a push, and it's not because both teams have stellar players here.

---FS - First of all, technically speaking Saban doesn't use the term "strong" or "free" safety, but I digress.  Even AUJclayton, the JR's most audible Auburn fan, must admit fault when reading that Barron vs Bates is a PUSH.  Are you fucking kidding me?  Bates doesn't know what area code he's in half the time, and meanwhile Mark Barron is levitating on his back knocking balls away like a lesbian.  Oh yeah, he leads the SEC in interceptions, too.

Then this doucher goes on to claim that Auburn could easily be in Alabama's shoes right now IF this, IF that.  And then the nice score prediction---34-13 Auburn.  Shyeah, and monkeys.  I like how head coaches, assistant coaches, momentum, halftime adjustments, offensive schemes, defensive schemes,  and last but not least ENERGY issues relating to DEPTH issues are nowhere to be seen in his wonderful breakdown.

Okay, I believe that's enough studying of Dissecting Morons 101, so let's get into the stats.  Hypothetical situation here, first.  Let's say, out of the 120 teams in Divison 1 college football, that we took the Top 10 teams and told the rest to eat a dick.  Only those who showed stats worthy of the Top 10 could participate every Saturday...what would the UA/AU ranks look like?

ALABAMA TOP 10:

Pass Efficiency Defense - 1
Total Defense - 1
Rushing Defense - 2
Scoring Defense - 2
Turnover Margin - 5
Pass Defense - 5
Punt Returns - 6
Rushing Offense - 10

AUBURN TOP 10:

Oopsie!

Now granted, we've all heard the famous line attributed to Mark Twain that there are three kinds of lies: lies, damn lies, and statistics.  As someone who did well in math classes, I can assure you I could skew those stats in my favor any way I needed to.  But the thing is, I don't need to.  The fact that we have SEVEN categories in the Top 10 in the nation, compared to ZERO for our opponent...I mean, be honest Tiger fans, that's a hard pill to swallow.  But there's an even tougher one to swallow, like those gigantic animal pills you have to take when the doctor runs out of human pills:

Bama's pride and joy, their 10th ranked rushing offense, leads their troops into Jordan-Hare against the nation's 88th ranked rushing defense.

Do you know who is ranked ahead of Auburn in rushing defense?  Iowa State.  Just sayin'.

But let's not simply just throw that out there without adding a little substance.  Pass the salt and pepper.  Ya see, Alabama's coach emphasizes dominating his opponents.  Auburn's coach emphasizes family.  Our OL goes out there to beat you up, pound on you, then block you until Mark Ingram, Trent Richardson, and Roy Upchurch come through the hole to pound on you some more.  We do this from the start of the game until the very end, and we keep RB legs so fresh and so clean.  You can talk about Greg McElroy struggling all you want, or Julio not meeting expectations---thing is, we don't even need to use them.  Hell, Greg doesn't even need to come in the game, let Mark snap the ball.  We can run it at Auburn ALL DAY LONG and with their lack of endurance and depth, the laws of physics simply don't support them being able to sustain the energy they need to in the second half to slow down Bama's backs.

That's not talking shit, that's talking truth.

Now AU fans may try to flip the script and say they'll be too busy scoring touchdowns to care how they do on defense.  Well, this isn't Furman, you cocksuckers.  This is the number ONE total defense in the country.  Now unlike last year, you may score, but you're going to earn it.  Every---single---down.  Oh and by the way, our defense is HUGE and we hit people hard, solid, and relentlessly.  LSU's quarterback did not want to keep playing that game, because we literally beat him up.  Oh yeah, we broke Charles Scott's collarbone, too.  That may have been difficult to notice because half their team was lying on the field.

That's enough for today.  I have plenty more to talk about, and some of the guys have their articles to put out as well.  Just marinate on this for a bit and realize, though it may be dripping with assholery tones, the points made are valid.  I'll leave the running of the mouth to all the bandwagon Bama fans that have come out of hiding.  But I don't mind them; they're pissing Auburn folks off just fine without my help.

It's IRON BOWL Week. Bitches.

If you're like me, you think of Auburn fans as the following:

Am I right?  Of course I am.  And fellow Auburn fans see that video and react as follows.  Meanwhile, Bama fans react entirely different.  I mean, he's wearing blue, his walls are orange, and he has a penchant for...um...let's say breakfast sausage; whereas, the rest of us would rather have, say, roast beef.  I'm not trying to imply anything here, so don't try to find any hidden meanings.  I mean, some of us are looking for this, while others are looking for this.  Just sayin'.  *evil grin*

In case you aren't hip to it yet, I am bringing the funk this week, and I expect my comrades on either side of I-565 to do the same.  This is not your ordinary week, it is the IRON BOWL---or as we all used to call it before we needed stupid nicknames, the Alabama-Auburn game.  I will no longer put a leash on my emotions, my opinions, or my sometimes irrational behavior, for this week is about as important as it gets in this state.  Sure we have an SEC Championship to worry about---but not before we take care of business on the plains.  Those smelly ass, cow-shit-infested plains that have produced such scholars as Cadillac Williams, Bo Jackson, and James Brooks.  I'd be willing to wager that, if you joined all three of their brains together and made one big "superbrain", they could probably make it through Ten Apples Up On Top within six weeks.  Probably.

At least we had one of those guys win a Heisman, Joker, something your team could never do.  This is true, annoying hillbilly with a camo AU hat and chaw dribbling down your chin.  By the way, how's his hip?  (Dammit, it's hard to joke on Bo...hard not to like the most impressive athlete the state of Alabama has ever had, IMO).  But I digress, I refuse to show any more respect to Auburn this week.  The way those "people" have diarrhea of the mouth without EVER thinking first is unparalleled.  And I'm not just talking about their fans, either:

“I know I’m the best back in the state,” Tate told the network. “I bet if you went and broke down film and asked teams in the SEC who is the best back in the state, I feel like it’s me.”

Now see, why even say that?  If you had a good head on your shoulders, would you say that?  The answer is a resounding 'no'.  Auburn fans put so much emphasis on how their players always hand the ball to the ref after a touchdown, yet once they get a chance to yap, the arrogance oozes out.  How you can be arrogant when your team is 3-4 in conference play is yet another head-scratcher.

To Ben, and all the AU fans who support his claim: do y'all not realize that Mark Ingram, though far and away better than Ben Tate, isn't even our most talented back?  Trent Richardson, a true freshman, is so good we have to cut into Mark's time just to give him the ball.  And Eddie Lacy, our SCOUT TEAM running back, has been mentioned by certain STAFF MEMBERS as the best back on our team.  Do we talk shit about any of them?  Nope, we just sit back and watch the show.  But what happens if Mark were to reply to Ben, what do you think he would say?

“Somebody told me about it,” Ingram said. “Everybody is entitled to their opinion and I respect him. He’s a great running back. I just let my words speak for me when I play. I won’t get into any tongue-tussling or anything like that.

“He’s a great back. He runs hard and I like his game and I respect him. I’ll let my game talk for me when I’m on the field.”

So basically, what Mark is trying to say, is that as an Alabama player, he has class and will show respect to his opponent while simultaneously not giving a flying fuck who gets what individual title or honor, because he's more worried about his team and what direction they're heading.  There can not be a better way to describe the typical Auburn fan vs. the typical Alabama fan---the players did it for me.

Shall we do a statistical comparison to further prove what an ignorant statement Ben made?  SURE!!

Tate - 225 rushes for 1209 yards and 8 TDs, 33 of those for a loss.  16 receptions for 88 yards and 0 TDs.

Ingram -205 rushes for 1399 yards and 12 TDs, 14 for a loss.  25 receptions for 225 yards and 3 TDs.

Sooo 20 less carries---an entire game's worth---yet Ingram has more yards and touchdowns, and he's definitely a bigger threat in the passing game.  Mark also plays in a system where the majority of the time, opponents know the run is coming, contrary to Auburn's spread.  Oh, go ahead and mention our OLine being stronger---because if you'll check back to ANY written word before the season started, all we heard was how terrible our hodgepodge line would be this year---so since you can't have it both ways, that point is moot.  Sooo all the way around, it looks as if Mr. Ingram is clearly the better back.  I really don't know what Ben is smoking...although I'm sure there is plenty of it on AU's campus.  But Joker, Bama old cocaine jokes and dur dur dur!  Ahh, predictable moo cows.  Quiet now, grown ups are talking.

Now before I really get into it, I'm not one for calling out players---for either team.  They're out there on the field doing work, so there's only so much guys like me can do and/or say without being a hypocrite and/or pussy.  So as much disdain as I have for a person who can actually commit to a place like Auburn (better than Tennessee, I'll admit), I commend them for being a good enough athlete to do so, and I won't knock them as a person.  As a player....mmm, maybe, but only if they deserve it.  Granted Ben Tate apparently says some stupid shit, but he's a heckuva player, and I won't let my Crimson blinders stop me from seeing truths.  Indeed, what I will do, is call it like I see it.  Always have, always will.  Let's get started, cowfuckers.

Let me first start off with how my OWN RELATIVES like to talk about things.  All I had to do was sit back and let him run his mouth, so my thanks to my cousin Clay---yes, the one with the sick moves:

September 22nd -

"I have a feeling this is gonna get deleted, but you know you had a bama video this cool!"
(he obviously meant "wish" instead of "know", but...well...he's "special")

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qw1ENKtEa-w

September 22nd (same day) -

He sent this link---http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sAbBwfDr6_s

This was on my facebook wall, and believe me, he had plenty more to say about Bama on his own wall.  Funny thing, though.  The next time he sent me anything about Alabama wasn't until November 2nd.  I wonder why that is?

9/26 - Gave up 30 points to BALL STATE.

10/3 - Survived UT 26-22.  Fair enough.

10/10 - Lost to Arkansas by 21.

10/17 - Lost to Kentucky by 7.

10/24 - Lost to LSU by 21.

10/31 - Beat Ole Miss 33-20.  Two days later...

November 2nd -

"I guess you like Alabama's new style of Futebol. I dont like soccer b/c they cant score a Touchdown...not exactly why I dont like Bama, but its another good reason."

And obviously, I haven't heard from him since then.  It's as if he can't help himself, it's in his nature to worry about Alabama more than his own team.  And believe it or not, this is the case for many MANY Auburn fans.  It's Alabama this, Alabama that.  We cheated at this, the refs gave us that. 

I write a blog, yet I don't even do that.  I don't care if Eric Smith gets in trouble.  I don't care if Ted Roof stays or not.  I don't care if you get Michael Dyer, Lattimore, Seastrunk, and every other 4- and 5-star running back in the country---it doesn't matter to me, because I am an ALABAMA fan.  (Besides, y'all should start worrying about who the hell is going to actually block for them.)

Some of these aforementioned Auburn fans aren't sad---they're pathetic, and it's like your homey in a seriously bad relationship with a girl---you simply can't say or do anything to snap him out of it, so you just have to watch the train wreck.  It's amusement for some Bama fans, annoying to others...but to me, I just don't understand how you can't STOP FLAPPING YOUR GUMS, understand your position as a fan with a mediocre SEC team, realize it takes time to build a program that your beloved-then-hated ex-lover Ears Mcgee left with no depth, and just takes your lumps like WE HAD TO DO.  Nebraska had to do it, and now look at them.  Easily on their way up.  You didn't hear Cornhusker fans running their yap when they were subpar, because they knew it, and they knew they'd be back.  By the way, maybe you should learn from them and hire a guy who knows about that little thing called defense. 

Now that that's out of the way, let's talk about the actual game.  However, I'll have to break it down in several different articles to keep the attention span of the Barners, so that'll come in the following days.  I also understand AUJ has some points to make this week, and I'm pretty sure the Bama Nation will speak up as well.  Game talks, matchups, score predictions and more to come during this'ere Turkey Week.  Oh, and while I remember, I read somewhere that Walmart will be stocking extra turduckens for the orange and blue masses this week, so I sincerely wish you all to be careful out there.  God knows there will also be a shortage of those motorized scooters for your fat asses, so get there early, ya hear?! 

Comments, criticisms, jokes, etc---spew your hatred or back your brother's play, it's Iron Bowl week.  Bitches. 

Bring it. 

Sunday Thoughts - UA/LSU

 

If there's a cooler picture this year for Bama, I haven't seen it (well, rocky block was pretty damn cool).  The one guy everybody dogs, the one guy who does everything asked of him in all facets of the game, the one guy who has been struggling lately...took a quick screen pass and said "all right bitches, here we go."  Reminiscent of Keith Brown's sprint against Texas Tech a few years ago, Julio turned the corner and SEVERELY outraced everybody to paydirt.  Man, what a feeling.  Like a sigh of relief as a fan, and for Julio himself.  Hopefully this opened the floodgates, cuz I want to be there for the carnage.

It's too bad that the minute you get on the internet to read up on a big win, everybody and their mothers come out to flame Alabama.  The interception by Peterson was pretty clear to me, but the refs made the call.  Sometimes you win those calls, sometimes you don't.  We happened to get one our way, yet the uproar is beyond belief.  It's as if Jarrett Lee going down the field for 60 yards and a score was a given.  Wait...what?  Are you seriously holding on to this tiny, sad thread of hope?  And it's not just LSU fans, Auburn fans are chiming in as well.  "Bama cheats", "We paid the refs", blah blah blah.  Jesus F, can you not understand we're a badass team now?  Just because all YOU can remember is Mike Shula doesn't mean we're still that team.  We're Nick Saban now, we're Gene Stallings, we're Bear Bryant.  Just like that glorious joker card, DEAL WITH IT.

Okay, now that I got that off my chest, let's remain cordial.  I had a fun Saturday with my boy Brecker Brecker 1-9 (Happy 32nd), eating some killer tuna tartar (uh, can you hold the tartar sauce?  What?  I don't like it) and drinking some good bourbon.  Tasted like...victory.

Now before I get all high and mighty on my lovely readers, I would like to first point out what a joke I have become in Pick Em.  A clean sweep, an 0-fer. Like Auburn's defense, just dismal.  But but but Joker, walk-ons and yada yada!!  To be fair, everyone else blew ass too:

Joker: 0-5
Walter: 2-3
Chicago Kid: 0-5
Blanket: 1-4
Racer X: 2-2-1
AUJclayton: 0-5
JVega$: 1-4

Yes, my friends, as a group we went 6-28-1 this weekend.  That's so fucking terrible, I can hardly contain myself.  The only positive out of this?  Neither Vega$ nor Mistah J put money on anything.  Freakin' sweet.

I may suck ass on pick 'em lately, but I'm dead on about my team.  Thankfully the "experts" picked LSU almost across the board.  Dez, Corso, and Holzthhhhh picked LSU, and Kirk stood by the Crimson Tide.  Thank you, Kirk, now you look like a genius.  Still not sure why Desmond didn't roll with the Tide, but who cares.

1) I said the slot receivers would be the difference.  Marquis Maze led the way with 6 receptions for 88 yards, and Darius Hanks contributed a much-needed 21 yard touchdown grab.

2) I said the score would be 24-13.  Actual score 24-15.  I rule, you drool.

3) I also hinted that Trindon Holliday would do some damage.  Thankfully, he didn't.  I don't know if our coverage got immensely better, of if Trindon is just a track star with no true football skills, but our weakness was covered up, at least for this game.

As for my thoughts on the game...Mark Ingram is a bad man.  Marcell Dareus is a bad man.  Javier Arenas is a bad man.  Julio Jones is a bad man.  Trent Richardson is a bad man.  All of the above contributed to the team as a whole in beating the shit out of LSU physically.  It seemed like every third down someone in purple and yellow got hurt.  Granted, some were cramps...but then again, some were broken collarbones.  Nobody wants to face this defense, and now that the offense may have turned the corner, only good things are ahead.  'Tis a good feeling.

Cory Reamer played like shit, Eryk Anders made some mistakes, aaaand that's all my hungover ass can remember.  I do know a classic trap game has been prepared for us next week, so let's hope the coaches get everybody's minds right before heading to Starkville.  Mississippi State is better than the average Joe thinks, so we need to prepare for them just like we would anyone else.  Of course, just like everybody else on the planet, they've had a bye week to prepare for us.  Anthony Dixon is the real deal, but if we can put the clamps on him, good things will happen.

Check back this week for more random shit, and of course the picks.  Breck wants to try his hand, so the birthday boy gets his wish.  Racer, AUJ, and Vega$---you're officially on the clock.

BAMA VERSUS LSU - 2009

Okay, apparently I missed the memo that Smallville has hot women all over the show, every season.  I only catch glimpses of them on commercials though.  I posted one earlier this year, and I've already forgotten her name, so let's just move on to Laura Vandervoort.  You know those new ads for "V", some new sci-fi series coming out on abc I think?  Well they show this stupidly hot blonde for a split second, and of course, Joker intuition kicks in and I have to find out who she is.  There were bikini pics and Supergirl pics and Maxim pics, but I think this one captures her beauty best. 

 
Don't know what she's doing here, but does it really matter?  All that should matter is that I'm going to give that "V" show a chance.  Nevermind I initially thought the V stood for vaginas, meaning I was going to watch regardless.  Now if only there were a "P" show for LSU fans...hiyo!!

Speaking of LSU fans, have you noticed how much they fucking hate us these days?  On the message boards, they talk mad shit about their old coach and his new team.  Tell me how much sense it makes to dog on the only coach to bring your football team to prominence?  What, you hate him because he was offered boku bucks to coach at the highest level of the game? 

No, you don't.

You hate that he missed the college game, had a chance to come back, and chose ALABAMA.  You hate that you KNOW he's one of the best coaches in the world at his job, taking complete control of not only the football team, but sometimes the whole fucking state.  You hate that you're sitting there with a Michigan man leading your beloved Tigers, a Michigan man with an Early Cuyler hat who didn't fall far from the Sling Blade family tree, who almost really did leave you for the Wolverines a couple years ago.  And no matter how many times you consciously tell yourself he won you a national title, your subconscious still bubbles up to the surface, reminding you they were Nick Saban's players.  You're forced, as a state, to back a beady-eyed jackyl who felt the need to cuss at Bama in front of kids at an LSU luncheon or dinner or some shit, and I quote: "We're looking forward to playing Auburn, but we have a new rival in fucking Alabama."  Classssssy shit, coach.  Lay off the swamp water.

I mean LOOK AT HIM.  Just from that picture you can tell he's in the middle of a lie.  Enough talking about that jackass.

This is the biggest game of the year for both teams.  The SEC West champion will theoretically be crowned after this game.  And in case you've forgotten, they beat Auburn 31-10, so they're not the same guys who almost lost to Washington and Mississippi State.  Or are they?  To begin our discussion, let's have a little statistical comparison by national rank to see who wins the game on paper:

• Rushing offense: Bama 13, LSU 69 - Advantage BAMA
• Passing offense: Bama 93, LSU 96 - PUSH
• Total offense: Bama 33, LSU 100 - BAMA
• Scoring offense: Bama 25, LSU 67 - BAMA
• Rushing defense: Bama 2, LSU 35 - BAMA
• Pass efficiency defense: Bama 2, LSU 19 - Eh, PUSH
• Total defense: Bama 4, LSU 15 - Eh, PUSH again
• Scoring defense: Bama 5, LSU 7 - PUSH
• Net punting: Bama 96, LSU 49 - LSU (hooray!)
• Punt returns: Bama 11, LSU 6 - PUSH
• Kickoff returns: Bama 41, LSU 117 - BAMA
• Turnover margin: Bama 17, LSU 8 - PUSH
• Pass defense: Bama 20, LSU 24 - PUSH
• Passing efficiency: Bama 48, LSU 32 - LSU (btw, Jefferson hates taking chances downfield MORE than "Midseason McElroy")
• Sacks: Bama 14, LSU 91 - BAMA
• Tackles for loss: Bama 18, LSU 55 - BAMA
• Sacks allowed: Bama 12, LSU 101 - BAMA

So that leaves us with Bama 8, LSU 2.  Hell, that could be the score on Saturday.

So what do those numbers tell us?  Well, both teams have good defense, but one team is pretty dominating in the overall feel.  That would be Alabama, and I think Tide and Tiger fans alike know that if Bama clicks, Bama wins.  Lately however, Bama hasn't been close to clicking.  Greg McElroy won't throw anything other than a quick out or a dump off to Roy Upchurch.  Hmm, I wonder who that should remind people of.  And if so, shouldn't that be alarming and quickly piss you off?  We are WASTING a quarterback, something we haven't had since Brodie Croyle (and some would say before that).  Not only is it Greg's lack of poise under increasing pressure versus SEC opponents, it's Jim McElwain's bullshit playcalling.  I think every OC has problems understanding the difference between plays that work and plays that they THINK will work.  This, my friends, is a huge obstacle that hasn't moved since the Ole Miss game.  McElwain called plays for JPW brilliantly, because he knew JPW blew ass.  This time around, instead of giving Greg easier reads, he's giving him last season's reads----look to the left, throw it sorta hard/look to the right, I'd throw it a bit harder/look to the middle, dump it to the guy in red.  Tell me I'm wrong.  I think the terrible cocktail of GMac's mental hurdles and JMac's seemingly condescending new playbook is the ultimate reason for whiffing on exntended offensive series.  I might also add that our refusal to a) stick with the run, b) stick to the wildcat, and c) go for it on 4th and 1 from the FUCKING FOUR YARD LINE with one of the BEST DEFENSES IN THE COUNTRY in case it doesn't work is downright fucking apeshit leg-humping crazy.  It's like McElwain keeps passing the headset to Toonces the Cat, and we all just end up driving off a cliff.

All that said, the bye week has rested our tired, our poor, our huddled masses; and this week Saban has hinted that things are going well in practice.  Facts are, it's a home game, Bama hasn't beaten LSU in Bryant Denny since 1999 (hello Shaun Alexander), and I actually welcome odd stat lines like that, because after 10 years, it's meant to be broken.

As for matchups, I hinted at James Carpenter having his work cut out for him to bottle up Rahim Alem.  If he can do that, it opens up the pass game for us, because Les Miles has no choice but to stack the box against our ground game.  If we get a good 4-5 yards per carry, ANY playaction after the fact will work in our favor.  Like Laron Landry, Chad Jones lit up JPW like a christmas tree last year...it's like a ritual now, having LSU safeties blitz and kill our poor QBs.  Except this time, we have someone who can throw a pretty ball downfield---on target---and keep those guys on their heels.

The good thing about having Patrick Peterson on your team is that any 6'1" corner is an asset, having height to match up better with bigger receivers than your typical 5'10" cornerbacks.  He's 210+ too, so he'll lay the wood as well.  The problem there, and even so with Charles Woodson (also 6'1", about 207ish), is that smaller WRs have an advantage on these guys.  Darius Hanks and Marquis Maze are the guys I'm looking to to tilt this game in our favor.  Throw on your Peter Warrick (free) shoes, tap dance your ass all over that corner, make him bite, make him miss, and get in space.  This advantage will be multiplied with the aforementioned aggression from Chad Jones, and BIG things can happen in the passing game.  If teams have the cajones to air it out on LSU, they can have success.  I saw it happen a couple years ago---on smooth-gliding Jonathan Zenon and a favorite of mine, Chevis Jackson, as two bookend corners WITH an insane DLine providing pressure.  So what does that mean?

The Crimson Tide's slot receivers will be the difference in this game.  I think Bama has a couple trip-ups from the "off" time, but they get back on track as the game wears on, finally making big plays to keep the chains moving, and eventually pulling the plug on LSU, 24-13.  If you're wondering where their TD comes from, I'm telling you, I don't like Trindon Holliday against our special teams coverage, and that's all I'm going to say about that.

I'll leave you with Eryk Anders's facebook status: "We don't eat. We don't sleep. It's tiger week."

Sunday Thoughts - Bama's Bye Week

I've always had a thing for Julie Bowen, going way back to the Happy Gilmore days (well good for Happy GilOHMYGOD!?!  Ha ha, great flick).  She's just a damn good looking mom, and now I get to see her every week on Modern Family---you should really tune in if you haven't already, cuz it's funny as hell.  And those of you who watch it are probably thinking why didn't he post a pic of Sofia Vergara?  Well, crush beats lust this time around.  Deal with it.  Besides, technically I just gave you two hotties today, so you should be thankful.

Okay, so by now you should know about the Black Eyed Peas doing that awesome whole-crowd dance for Oprah, surprising her and her entire viewing audience.  If not, don't worry about it, I found better ones.  Now let it be known, the Joker has a heart, too, and more people should do this around the world.  Grumpy ass business folks walking thru airports, train stations, city corners, whatever...quick, bust out what they call a "flash mob", and it instantly brightens their day.  It's especially cool when it's Michael Jackson, cuz we all know he'd get a kick out of it.  Save the MJ jokes, he was the greatest entertainer you will ever see.  Don't get me started.  Watch the video already.

Joker, quit being a d-bag and talk about football.  HEY, shut up, dickhead reader voice.  I call your bluff on not enjoying that video, and I realize you're probably still in college and still in that "I'm so coooool with my ray-bans hanging on that stupid sunglass holder neck thingy in my short PURPLE patagonia shorts and my new balance kicks as if that wasn't repeated ad nauseum for the past fifteen years by an infinite amount of dickwads, oh and let me guess you drive a hunter green 4runner with a DMB sticker on the back and you still have shoe polish from when some random whore wrote i love Blane on your back window, yeah your parents had to name you Blane, didn't they, just like the rich guy from Pretty in Pink, except unfortunately for you, you're more like James Spader's character in that movie, full of cocaine and douche" phase, but take a little time out of your day and quit being a dick and enjoy life.

Did that register?  Good, I hope it hit you to the core.  Nobody called you a cocksucker like that before, did they?  Well now you know, you're welcome, you can begin the healing process.  Now, on to football.

On Saturday's Gameday, Desmond Howard is the only one of the panel to back Alabama as the real deal down the stretch out of themselves, Florida, and Texas.  I submit his defense:

Corso: Yeah, but let me tell you something, if they didn't have that field goal kicker...

Fowler: ...and Terrence Cody...

Corso: Yes, and Terrence Cody.  They'd be out of the picture.

Dez: But they do, so...

The only guy on the set of "professionals" that can see through the Tebow and McCoy bullshit, the only one who sees that Bama overpowers their opponent and demoralizes them as the game wears on, the only one who doesn't try to find an argument against Alabama---is the only one up there who has both college and NFL experience---namely a Heisman trophy and Super Bowl MVP.  I'm just sayin.  And Lee Corso, if you keep calling us out, I'll have a few choice words for you.  And believe me, recent events in your life could lead to huge joke potential.  I'm biting my hand so as not to do it right now.  I'm showing restraint out of respect for my elders...or pity. 

Random thought---we all know the Wrangler commercial where Brett Favre is acting all southern with his dog and old truck playing football in the mud *puke*, but has anyone ever noticed the complete bastard of a person diving for a catch---with his knees hanging down?  He catches a ball from Favre and instead of diving into the mud like a man, he jumps with his heels up and lands on his knees in the puddle.  Drives me batshit crazy, and I'm glad I remembered to tell all my readers---cuz now it'll drive all of you crazy.

So I've probably mentioned on here, and my friends know I've said this, but Brandon Spikes is a thug.  You can tell by the way he speaks, carries himself, and all his cheap shots on the field.  Fair enough, football has those buttholes in a lot of places.  He takes the cake yesterday though:

Now, as a Florida fan, you can try to defend that, but you'd be a fucking idiot, and I hope you get knocked out.  There is a reason even the ultra-violence in MMA has rules like no biting and eye-gouging, and in a simple football game---where the tackle was made, and they won by a comfortable score---he feels the need to gouge someone's eyes out while they're defenseless at the bottom of the pile?  For once, I have no words.

---ALABAMA---

We're rested up and focused on LSU now.  #3 vs #9. LSU always has a tough defense, but Miles has hinted that if Jordan Jefferson struggles, he's not afraid to put Jarrett Lee in.  That's proof right there (again) that Les is a moron.  Lee is TERRIBLE.  Regardless, JJ will be starting, and it seems one player is starting to break out, namely Russell Shepard, the highly touted quarterback athlete out of Louisiana earlier this year.  But let's not forget about Charles Scott, the big bruiser at RB who will most likely run directly towards Cory Reamer---I would.  Sure he makes the tackle, but he's still a Shula-ite, which means he'll get dragged for 2 or 3 yards every time.  This is why Dont'a is missed---have you seen anyone drag Dont'a?

Javier Arenas, though playing outstandingly well on defense, has yet to return a punt or kick for a TD this year.  I think this coming weekend would be a fine time to break this dry spell, and that 14 seconds or so will do a lot to influence the game from then on out.  I'm banking on Javy being our critical factor this Saturday, cuz LSU is almost a carbon copy of us when it all comes down to it.  Unfortunately, that means their PR/KR is good, too---Trindon "holy shit I can't catch that" Holliday.  We need to rein that kid in like whoa, or it'll be our ass.  He's 12th in the nation with 14.62 yards per punt return.

Other guys we need to watch out for, as they WILL make plays---Patrick Peterson, who is basically a linebacker playing cornerback; Chad Jones, a special talent at safety; and Rahim Alem coming off the edge.  I hope Carpenter can bottle him up. 

LSU, as you would think, is no joke.  Hopefully Coach Saban has the kids prepared over the bye, and we come out strong like the beginning of the season.  McElwain needs to get his shit together, McElroy needs to get his head on straight and start firing it downfield, Julio needs to put some glue on his houndstooth gloves, and the big names on defense need to bring their best game to date.  I'm not scared of LSU, nor do I think we romp, but I'm cautiously optimistic that we can get it done.

---USC---

Unfortunately, I tell my friends that Oregon will beat the Trojans by double digits, yet I place zero amount of money on what I feel is a great call.  Fuck me.  Speaking of...

---PICK 'EM---

Thankfully for me, I didn't stay at home dead sober like I usually do, flipping thru games and on the net to follow all the scores...otherwise I would have punched some kittens.  Pick 'Em has been BRUTAL for me lately, and it's starting to carry over to my gambling brethren:

Joker: 2-3 (Had Houston at -7 on the site, but sportsbook had me as -6.5, so I corrected it) on my challenge picks, and a godawful 3-7 on the day.  That not only makes me look like a fucking dolt, it really makes me wonder what it's going to take to get back on track.  I'm going to take my sweet ass time this week, make my picks last (probably Thursday unless I like a weekday game), and start qualifying all the statistics I research instead of doubting them.  I need a lucky Joker girl for next week, so any readers looking for their specific honey, let me know and I'll throw up the best option.

Walter: 2-3

Chicago Kid: 1-4

The Blanket: 1-3-1 (new fella with another blog---hit him up while you peruse the weekly Pick 'Ems from now on)

AUJclayton: 2-3

Racer X: 3-2, easily the winner this week amongst all the shit piles.  Congrats, Racer.

---NEXT WEEK---

My prediction for next week's picks will be that things will start evening out---as far as spreads go---and there will be more diversity of "scores" amongst everybody.  Maybe a 5-0 from someone, a couple will go 4-1, and the rest will still be down.  Hopefully the latter isn't me.  If Vegas wants to keep taking our money, they need to be nice this week.  'Til then, my friends.

Oh Yeah, It's Bama/Tennessee Week...

I hate Tennessee, if you didn't know that already.  The loudest I've been during a game wasn't actually in Bryant-Denny.  It was three or four years ago at my sister's house.  Fat Fulmer was still the coach, and it was a night game---which means I had allll day to mix bourbon and cokes to the tippy top of the rim of each fill up.  And believe me, it's a good 50/50 mix when I drink that ish.  All that I remember is yelling until I literally almost fainted, and glancing at my mother (why the fuck did she come over?!) after one of my worst, cuss-filled rants of all humanity.

Next thing ya know, I wake up with sunlight in my face, upstairs in my sister's guest bedroom.  That's just how things go on the stupidly named Third Saturday in October, considering it's sometimes held on the fourth Saturday in October, including this year.  Think of it as a midterm, and Auburn is the final.

This year, Tennessee has a problem, though.  Alabama is ranked #1 in the AP poll and has been steadily demoralizing opponents all season long.  The game is in Tuscaloosa.  And the best thing going for Tennessee, other than Eric Berry, is Lane Kiffin's wife.  And she can't play.  Which is too bad, considering who they have at starting quarterback.  And funny thing about Jonathan Crompton, he had some serious momentum going after throwing for 300+ yards and 4 TDs against Georgia---and then they had a bye week to prepare for Bama.  Bad move.

Do you realize every team Tennessee has played has picked Crompton off?  Except for Auburn, but you knew that.  Something about god-awful defense, or orange always cockblocks other orange...eh, something like that. 

Anyway, here's something to chew on.  A quick nationally ranked rundown of Bama vs Tennessee:

• #1 total defense vs #48 total offense
• #1 pass efficiency defense vs #60 passing efficiency
• #3 rushing defense vs #35 rushing offense
• #4 scoring defense vs #26 scoring offense
• #9 rushing offense vs #31 rushing defense
• #11 sacks vs #16 sacks allowed
• #12 pass defense vs #70 passing offense
• #12 turnover margin vs #76 turnover margin
• #13 scoring offense vs #33 scoring defense
• #13 punt returns vs #80 net punting

Where in the above situation will Tennessee be able to beat Alabama?  Only an Alabama fan would know.  Let me elaborate:

1 - Greg McElroy.  He's a little fazed right now.  To start, the kid has never lost a football game since middle school.  He dominated in high school and won a state championship his senior year---the only year he started, considering the guy in front of him was Chase Daniel's perverted ass.  His current team is dominating right now, but there's a difference---he's struggling for once in his life, and he doesn't know how to handle it. Immediately after the South Carolina game he addressed the media, saying he would be sleeping in the film room if he had to.  While that's nice, and recommended, I don't think that's the whole problem.  It's akin to telling a rich kid he can't drive his Range Rover Sport anymore.  You take the keys and walk away, and he'll be still standing there confused.  Greg needs to understand that maturing in football isn't just X's and O's, it's about defying the odds, establishing new barriers to break, challenging yourself every time you go out to one-up what you did last week.  And, in my opinion, the main thing he needs to do is shut that head off.  Turn your brain off, GMac, and just let your experience and arm guide you into the zone.  Before you know it you'll be making plays like you did to start the year.  Sometimes life leaves you stranded in the middle of nowhere---do something about it.

That said, if McElroy continues to think and get too complex as our signal-caller, Monte Kiffin will start dialing up the pressure, and it won't be pretty.  Believe me, I can almost put money on this, that MK will have people showing blitz and backing off, moving left and moving right, showing man then showing zone---all before the snap AND during the play sequence.  GMac needs to play within himself and carry the game, creating plays, not turnovers.

2. Special Teams.  Every.  Single.  Last.  One of us.  Holds our breath when we see the opposition return a kick past their 20, because we're not sure if any crimson jersey will be there to pick him off in the crease.  I don't know if it's because we have a lot of young, inexperienced, adrenaline-laced badasses on special teams, and therefore thinking about assignments doesn't even cross their minds; or if our special teams coach just sucks; or if we're just not disciplined enough---but our kickoff coverage is abysmal, and every fan is aware of it.  Dre Kirkpatrick, Rod Woodson, and the crafty veteran Chris Rogers have all shown flashes of ST brilliance this season, but it's rare to see anyone outside of those three make a play.  This is the week to do so, or we'll be seeing lots of drives starting near the midfield line and putting serious pressure on our defense.

And don't EVEN get me started on Mr. Misses Extra Points.

3.  Youth Collapse.  On one hand, you can say that Bama, as one unit, has not fired on all cylinders yet this season.  That would be scary, and we would absolutely rip the competition apart if that happened.  On the other hand, however, we have yet to see a total collapse team-wide, either.  What I mean is that we have a bunch of young guys and first year starters on this team.  Since college football is probably the most affected team sport fueled by momentum, if the Volunteers (god forbid) happened to get on a turnover run, putting points on the board, and forcing these young men to put up or shut up...what would happen?  The typical fan would obviously back our players, saying they would throw down warrior-style and get the W by any means necessary.  But the realist would see nobody has tested this team's mettle yet---and Bama fans know once the team starts playing poorly, the fans in Bryant-Denny start sitting on their hands and shaking their heads, making it twice as hard for the good guys to stabilize.  It's not fun to think about, but it's a part of the game, and this rivalry could very easily bring this situation to fruition.

I'm done playing the devil's advocate.  I don't see a talented Montario Hardesty ripping through our defense when his middle gap is protected by a 6'1, 260 lb center.  Really?  Cody Sullins has to stop Terrence Cody and Josh Chapman by himself?  No, he'll have help, which just opens up a lane for Kirby Smart to call yet another blitz.  And if this wasn't bad enough for UT, their only option to bail them out of this is Crompton---who has 9 interceptions thru 6 games.  Yikes stripes, indeed.

As for a score prediction, I feel like the chance is there for all things to click and another 41-17 victory can take place (if not worse) like in 2007, but my brain told me the other day to look for a final tally of 23-10.  Which means all those taking Tennessee and the 15 may win some loot this week.  Although, let's be honest---damn y'all, I'm rooting for the blowout.  Daniel Moore, start sketching Julio's stiff-arm of Eric Berry, cuz they'll sell out before you buy the paint.