The Joker Report

Pass the Lucky Charms, It's Bowl Time

All right ladies and gents, sorry to take so long to get back to y'all.  Business was busy there for a bit, and I was in the middle of a move, and neither is conducive to yucking it up on the ol' blog, now is it?  But alas, I am here, and I shall talk of things almost forgotten over the week.

For one, congratulations to Mark Ingram on winning the Heisman.  We all know he had a rough childhood (who hasn't), we all know his dad is in jail or on the way or whatever the hell it is, when the most important thing we need to take from this is that his dad is an awesome option in the passing attack of Tecmo Super Bowl NY Giants team, along with Stephen Baker and big daddy Mark Bavaro at tight end, not to mention the formidable rushing attack of Anderson and Meggett.  On the flip side you had the ORIGINAL LT running over tackles and guards, which was always fun.  If I haven't already put it out there, I will play anyone anywhere in TSB.  If it's downloadable on PS3 (JokerEyez5 - friend me) or XBox360 (JoKeRsCrUe - friend me), then let me know and I'll throw down.  If it's even possible, beating me when I play with the 49ers will instantly vault you to Tecmo Legend, and I'll post your glorious victory on my own blog.

Now granted, I've been beaten---but never twice in a row, or twice in the same day for that matter. Even AUoptimo, a loyal reader, has beaten me.  But it happens about as much as AUJclayton edits down his articles, IF you know what I mean, AAAAND I think ya do.  Plus, let's just be honest, you won't beat me when I have Montana (AND Young), Roger Craig, Rathman, Rice, Taylor, Brent Jones, Carter, Haley, Ronnie MF Lott...and of course my secret weapon, which I can not divulge.

Okay, so maybe that's not THE most important thing about Mark winning the Heisman---we all know THE important thing is now Auburn fans have nothing left to hold over our heads.  We'd say 12 national championships, they'd say 2 Heismans.  So now you can tell them we're 1 away from tying them in Heismans, and come January 7th, they MIGHT be 12.5 championships away from tying us.  Oh, and if they complain about us "stealing" titles back in the day, ask them what they're gonna do about it.  Exactly.  You know my motto by now---deal with it.

Anyone else having fun watching Gamecock fans squirm about John Fulton 50/50 with UA and USCe and Marcus Lattimore 50/50 with AU and USCe?  They'll defend those guys committing to the Cocks with the hardcore swoll, even though...well, I guess we'll see.

What else do we have?  Brian "there's something about him I don't trust" Kelly appointed the new Notre Dame coach, coaches and recruits leaving Knoxville as if there's an imminent gaseous explosion, Florida State and Auburn getting top notch commitments left and right, and...something about one of the top golfers?  Something along the lines of having a dime piece wife and not being satisfied enough with her?  Anyone?  Eh, maybe you'll hear about it soon.

Sooo...can we finally have some more college football?  Thankfully, the answer is yes.  Downside is we have to wait a bit for the good teams to play, but we shouldn't be greedy.  Take what you can get, folks, cuz it'll soon be gone for a loooong time.  And then the cold dark winter will invade your souls, and one or two of you with weak minds might even kill yourself.  Especially up in the Northwest where it just rains and snows and forces you to hate life.  Hey, just playing the odds.

First up, the New Mexico Bowl.  Sweeeet Caroline, what a venue!  Well, I will say Albuquerque is a cool place, very beautiful, and my grandparents taught me how to spell it since I was a tot, considering they lived there for so long.  Did your grandma pimp a jet black 70's Lincoln Continental with white leather?  Didn't think so.  Did she pump the brakes as much as mine?  Probably.  Good God it's like every three seconds she saw a phantom squirrel run in front of the car.

Anywho, Fresno State i.e. Ryan Matthews vs Wyoming i.e. nobody you've ever heard of.  At least we'll see one of the nations top backs running wild in this first game.  If you caught him in the Boise State game earlier in the year, you'll definitely be tuning in again.  He breaks off 70 yarders like me playing you in TSB.  Ohhhhh snap, full circle on your ass once again.

Next up, the St. Petersburg Bowl.  The Russians settled that city, apparently.  UCF, while boring, plays legit defense.  George "this is your resume? O'Reeeeally?!" can rally his troops quite well, holding Texas to 35 points...yet only scoring 3.  Will his offense hold up against Schiano's Rutgers?  You never know which Scarlet Knights team is going to show up, so bid carefully if you're in my pick 'em league.  The Golden Knights also...waaait a minute, they're both knights!  This is officially the Jousting Bowl---Golden vs Scarlet.  Gold means armor, Scarlet means blood.  Nuff said.  Btw I was going to say the Golden Knights also have a helluva home crowd edge here.

And Sunday we have the New Orleans Bowl, where the food is fantastic and the diseases run rampant.  Ahh I'm just kidding, I've never been.  Partially because of what I just said, but that's just Joker hearsay.  Southern Miss vs Middle Tennessee State.

Who. The. Fuck. Cares.

Monday we're off and then by Tuesday we'll all know at least one of the players on the teams playing from now on.  Woot!  Hopefully I'll get back into my writing groove by then, but no promises.  Get in the league, bitches!  Until then.

College Bowl Pick 'Em, Anyone?

Look at my BOY.  Do the Heisman on that ho!  So I get a text from the obviously photogenic El Matteo telling me "sorry about that".  I have a feeling he's talking about something in the Lions game that happened to Charles Woodson, which I wasn't watching yet because I was writing an article.  Apparently Stafford threw a back shoulder 1 yard TD pass to Calvin Johnson on Wood.  My reply?  "He'll get you back."  Boy did he ever.  Johnson ended up finishing the game with 2 catches for 10 yards.  And what about Wood?

7 tackles, 2 interceptions, 1 forced fumble, 1 fumble recovery, 1 sack, 1 TD, 1 Heisman pose

Troy Aikman was singing his praises, and apparently that's all that needs to be done to convince the message boards to feel the same way.  There were people all over talking him up.  FUCK THAT.  Don't act like he's just now good.  Admit to yourself that for the past 10 years the only thing that came out of your mouth was Champ Bailey, and here recently the popular trend has been Nnamdi Asomugha "and it's not even close".  Did you ever bother to think who Aso learned from in Oaktown?  Yep.

Not only is Chuck ripping up quarterbacks and the stat sheet, he donated TWO MILLION DOLLARS to a children's hospital in Michigan.  And it's not just a flash in the pan---he's dedicated to talking to doctors about what it's going to take to change the way things are done up there.  Not only that, maybe this will pave the way for more athletes to whip out the fat wallets and help someone other than the Bentley dealerships.  I'm sure the bandwagon is getting full, and people out there have already missed a multitude of spectacular plays from Woodson, but go ahead and hop on.  It's a fun ride.

Now, as for the title of this article.  I am calling out to all my readers, young and old, purple and green.  Come join my yahoo college bowl pick 'em, and show your infinite knowledge of the bowl games.  The cool part about this time of the year is that it's all about the confidence points.  Only the bold will win, because bowl games are whacktastic, and you can lose boku points in a heartbeat.

Not only that, but if he/she is willing, I'll give the victor the honors of writing an article for the BCS Championship, right here on the JR.  As long as you talk about the big game, you can also talk about whatever the hell else you want to; this season, our shitty pick 'em weeks, our SEC battles, the fairness (or lack thereof) of Spikes missing one game for eye-gouging vs Dez Bryant missing an entire year for having dinner with Deion Sanders...the list goes on and on.  Picture is your choice, too.  Heckuva deal if you want your voice to be heard.  All you gotta do is whoop ass in Bowl Pick 'Em.

So first, click here, then enter this info---

Group ID#: 4416

Password: laylakiffin

It's private, so only the JR writers, readers, and fellow bloggers will be participating.  Don't disappoint me, I want to see a pretty decent turnout with some hellified competition.  Oh, and come up with some clever team names so we can all get a good laugh.  That will add to the forum chatter that's bound to get heated up as the games roll into January.  See ya there, my friends.

The "Experimental" Pick 'Em

So WWTDD.com had some Ashley Greene pics up today, and even my sister told me she was pretty, but I had no freakin' idea she was this hot.  I was too busy wrapped up in Kristen Stewart like everybody else, seen here with a gigantic bottle of British douche.  Guhhh, he's a dead ringer for the private school fucker who had a Range Rover, M5, G-Wagon, and access to his daddy's Ferrari 355.  Look at him again for me.  See how, without saying a word, he's like a magician slithering into your head saying hit me, Joker, hit me.  You know you want to.  Nice touch with the 80's skinny tie...I know that's supposed to be "in" right now, but the 80s would drown you in cocaine and hair spray if you ever tried to hang.  Go turn into a vampire or something, Vidal Sassoon.

Oh, by the way, Ashley Greene is hot as FUCK.  If you can't tell, it all starts with the face for me, so apologies to those readers who want all the goods.  Yes yes, I know I'm a leg man, but I have to actually look the girl in the face sometimes.  They're not objects, ya know.  On this site, sure; but in the real world where really old men with money have all the hotties--they're treated with respect.  Pbbbbbt.  Regardless, I've got the old part down pat.  Jealous?

In case you want to put a shape with that face, there are more pics on WWTDD, but I ain't hotlinkin' you, ya lazy ass.

Okay, so I've had a few different thoughts in my head for ways to find winners every Saturday, and it seems like I only have one option once I post my picks to the viewing public.  Well, follow me down the yellow brick road to a world of change and choices, cuz I'll be GOTdamned if I don't find a winning strategy.  And once I do, I don't care if it takes me ten years to find it, I will be more than happy to take you along with me.  There's plenty of room on this bandwagon, so hop on.  Oh and uh, Volunteer fans?  You'll need to fill out some paperwork first, so why don't you go ahead and sit this one out.  Or just slit your wrists for backing a spoiled child as a head coach with a team full of future inmates.  I'm sure you've heard the news by now, so I'll spare the details.  Remember, slice WITH the vessels, not across.  Yeahhh, that's it.

EXPERIMENT #1 - The Computer System

I'll use this'ere website, that I believe reader JVega$ gave to me (if I'm not mistaken?), and I'll use this'ere formula.  I kid, I kid.  Actually, it's quite simple.  I'll take the favorite or the underdog when there is a difference of more than a touchdown between the vegas spread and the computer spread.

For example, the Buffalo line is -3 over MIAMI-OHIO.  The computer line is -9.97.  That is a 6.97 difference, so if we take the literal meaning of a touchdown as only 6 points, then this will be our first pick.  This also goes contrary to my weekly pick of Miami-OH, so I hope this venture fails miserably.  This will be pick #1.
WIN

Baylor +10 TEXAS A&M - This one we shouldn't take, considering the computer has no idea that starting QB Robert Griffin has been sidelined since September and won't play until next season.  It even goes so far as to say the computer picks Baylor as the outright winner.  I just don't see it, but my opinion doesn't matter in this experiment---Bears it shall be.
LOSS

MISSOURI -9.5 Iowa State - Now see, this one I can believe.  The computer line is -18.69, a full 9.19 point differential.  Consider this pick #3.
WIN

NEBRASKA -13 Kansas State - Computer line is 6.84 more points in favor of the Huskers.
WIN

UTAH -16.5 San Diego State - A whopping 11.76 point differential on this one.  If this is the only winner, we'll just have to start putting boku bucks on the double-digit guys, huh?
WIN

-

Okay, let's break these experiments up with more pretty women, shall we?  All opposed?  Thought so.

Charlize Theron doesn't get a lot of love around here, but she's a damn good looking woman.  Maybe it's the blonde hair, maybe it's her age (however old she is), or maybe it's because she was such a fucking psycho in the Devil's Advocate that I just subconsciously put the nix on her.  Pause to celebrate Pacino: 

Kevin Lomax: God damnit, what did you do to my wife?

John Milton: Well, on a scale of one to ten... ten being the most depraved act of sexual theatre know to man... one being your average Friday night run-through at the Lomaxes' household... I'd say, not to be immodest, Mary Ann and I got it on at about... seven.

Anyway, supposedly she really enjoys a good cocktail or twenty, and you have to believe she's a great flirt, so that's a nice little start to your night time adventure right there, ain't it?  Thank me later.  Wash your hands first.

Tell ya what, I'll even give you a head start.  Try this interview with Zach Galifianakis.

EXPERIMENT #2 - The Random Woman

No need to tell you who this person is, just know that I know her and she gave me five picks of her choosing.  I think she only chose games including schools she likes, then decided on her choices after seeing the odds.  So I'm assuming out of these ten colleges, she actually likes five of them.  It's as simple as that, and we'll see how this simple concept will STILL beat someone this week in Pick 'Em.  The pessimist will say "big deal, gambling against the spread is a crapshoot", but the optimist will say "fuck that, I refuse to let a girl beat me."  Let's see:

STANFORD -7 California - LOSS

Duke +20 MIAMI - WIN

Vanderbilt +17 TENNESSEE - WIN

Virginia +20 CLEMSON - WIN

UCLA -5 Arizona State - WIN

Some solid choices in there.  But again, my opinion doesn't matter in this post!

So we've had the brunette and the blonde, where is the redhead?  Well, BELIEVE ME, it took me a long time to find one worth posting on the ol' JR.  Some who "used" to be the ish, well, aren't.  Luckily, I found one.

This girl is actually smoking hot for a redhead, and she doesn't get much street cred.  I just rhymed.  THAT JUST HAPPENED.  Anyway, I think she was in that one Mark Wahlberg movie, you know, the one where he tried to be overly cool and macho and ended up with his shirt off for no reason.  Oh wait, THAT'S ALL OF THEM. 

Point is, she's hot.  Appreciate her.

EXPERIMENT #3 - HOME DOGS AT NIGHT

First off, I must say that this isn't a new concept or anything.  In fact, one of my buddy Walter's favorite bets is home dogs at night during weekday games, such as the mind-numbingly boring Tuesday and Wednesday night games, but mostly the "eh, I'll watch" Thursday night games.  Well I'm going to close the parameters off a bit and only choose from games starting at 5PM CST or later on Saturday only.  The results:

NEW MEXICO +4.5 Colorado State - WIN

ARIZONA +6 Oregon - WIN

NEW MEXICO STATE +30.5 Nevada - LOSS

SAN JOSE STATE +3 Hawaii - LOSS

LA LAFAYETTE +2.5 La Monroe - WIN

Not a fancy list, but we'll see what the end results show nonetheless.  Maybe it'll make us start thinking differently when we see those odds on slow Monday mornings.  There's something to be said for being underestimated at home, under the lights, at night, having all day to think about everyone telling you that you're gonna lose.  If only we knew each player's Saturday diet (cramps/bloating/diarrhea), whether they had sex or not (loss of energy/bad luck), what they listened to on their I-Pod (Disturbed vs. Barry Manilow), what their girlfriend said to them right before they left the house ("Yeah well I banged your best friend Johnny a month ago!"/"Love you too, babe."), if they studied film or just played Modern Warfare all damn day long, etc etc.  See, if we knew all THOSE details...eh, Vegas would still rake in the dough.

So that's it for the experiments this week.  Obviously there are plenty more, but I don't think it'd be very reader-friendly if this list went on to 20+ ideas.  I'm telling you though, I'm starting to really get into this formulaic and/or offhanded approach, and if I can somehow couple that with personal knowledge of the teams, I have a room in my house for all the money.  Oh yeah, a big room.  With Joker shit and jester dolls all over the place.  Sadly, I'm not kidding.  Hey, it's better than fucking stamps.

Stay tuned for the reader picks, boys and girls.  'Til then, my friends.

Sunday Thoughts - Bama's Bye Week

I've always had a thing for Julie Bowen, going way back to the Happy Gilmore days (well good for Happy GilOHMYGOD!?!  Ha ha, great flick).  She's just a damn good looking mom, and now I get to see her every week on Modern Family---you should really tune in if you haven't already, cuz it's funny as hell.  And those of you who watch it are probably thinking why didn't he post a pic of Sofia Vergara?  Well, crush beats lust this time around.  Deal with it.  Besides, technically I just gave you two hotties today, so you should be thankful.

Okay, so by now you should know about the Black Eyed Peas doing that awesome whole-crowd dance for Oprah, surprising her and her entire viewing audience.  If not, don't worry about it, I found better ones.  Now let it be known, the Joker has a heart, too, and more people should do this around the world.  Grumpy ass business folks walking thru airports, train stations, city corners, whatever...quick, bust out what they call a "flash mob", and it instantly brightens their day.  It's especially cool when it's Michael Jackson, cuz we all know he'd get a kick out of it.  Save the MJ jokes, he was the greatest entertainer you will ever see.  Don't get me started.  Watch the video already.

Joker, quit being a d-bag and talk about football.  HEY, shut up, dickhead reader voice.  I call your bluff on not enjoying that video, and I realize you're probably still in college and still in that "I'm so coooool with my ray-bans hanging on that stupid sunglass holder neck thingy in my short PURPLE patagonia shorts and my new balance kicks as if that wasn't repeated ad nauseum for the past fifteen years by an infinite amount of dickwads, oh and let me guess you drive a hunter green 4runner with a DMB sticker on the back and you still have shoe polish from when some random whore wrote i love Blane on your back window, yeah your parents had to name you Blane, didn't they, just like the rich guy from Pretty in Pink, except unfortunately for you, you're more like James Spader's character in that movie, full of cocaine and douche" phase, but take a little time out of your day and quit being a dick and enjoy life.

Did that register?  Good, I hope it hit you to the core.  Nobody called you a cocksucker like that before, did they?  Well now you know, you're welcome, you can begin the healing process.  Now, on to football.

On Saturday's Gameday, Desmond Howard is the only one of the panel to back Alabama as the real deal down the stretch out of themselves, Florida, and Texas.  I submit his defense:

Corso: Yeah, but let me tell you something, if they didn't have that field goal kicker...

Fowler: ...and Terrence Cody...

Corso: Yes, and Terrence Cody.  They'd be out of the picture.

Dez: But they do, so...

The only guy on the set of "professionals" that can see through the Tebow and McCoy bullshit, the only one who sees that Bama overpowers their opponent and demoralizes them as the game wears on, the only one who doesn't try to find an argument against Alabama---is the only one up there who has both college and NFL experience---namely a Heisman trophy and Super Bowl MVP.  I'm just sayin.  And Lee Corso, if you keep calling us out, I'll have a few choice words for you.  And believe me, recent events in your life could lead to huge joke potential.  I'm biting my hand so as not to do it right now.  I'm showing restraint out of respect for my elders...or pity. 

Random thought---we all know the Wrangler commercial where Brett Favre is acting all southern with his dog and old truck playing football in the mud *puke*, but has anyone ever noticed the complete bastard of a person diving for a catch---with his knees hanging down?  He catches a ball from Favre and instead of diving into the mud like a man, he jumps with his heels up and lands on his knees in the puddle.  Drives me batshit crazy, and I'm glad I remembered to tell all my readers---cuz now it'll drive all of you crazy.

So I've probably mentioned on here, and my friends know I've said this, but Brandon Spikes is a thug.  You can tell by the way he speaks, carries himself, and all his cheap shots on the field.  Fair enough, football has those buttholes in a lot of places.  He takes the cake yesterday though:

Now, as a Florida fan, you can try to defend that, but you'd be a fucking idiot, and I hope you get knocked out.  There is a reason even the ultra-violence in MMA has rules like no biting and eye-gouging, and in a simple football game---where the tackle was made, and they won by a comfortable score---he feels the need to gouge someone's eyes out while they're defenseless at the bottom of the pile?  For once, I have no words.

---ALABAMA---

We're rested up and focused on LSU now.  #3 vs #9. LSU always has a tough defense, but Miles has hinted that if Jordan Jefferson struggles, he's not afraid to put Jarrett Lee in.  That's proof right there (again) that Les is a moron.  Lee is TERRIBLE.  Regardless, JJ will be starting, and it seems one player is starting to break out, namely Russell Shepard, the highly touted quarterback athlete out of Louisiana earlier this year.  But let's not forget about Charles Scott, the big bruiser at RB who will most likely run directly towards Cory Reamer---I would.  Sure he makes the tackle, but he's still a Shula-ite, which means he'll get dragged for 2 or 3 yards every time.  This is why Dont'a is missed---have you seen anyone drag Dont'a?

Javier Arenas, though playing outstandingly well on defense, has yet to return a punt or kick for a TD this year.  I think this coming weekend would be a fine time to break this dry spell, and that 14 seconds or so will do a lot to influence the game from then on out.  I'm banking on Javy being our critical factor this Saturday, cuz LSU is almost a carbon copy of us when it all comes down to it.  Unfortunately, that means their PR/KR is good, too---Trindon "holy shit I can't catch that" Holliday.  We need to rein that kid in like whoa, or it'll be our ass.  He's 12th in the nation with 14.62 yards per punt return.

Other guys we need to watch out for, as they WILL make plays---Patrick Peterson, who is basically a linebacker playing cornerback; Chad Jones, a special talent at safety; and Rahim Alem coming off the edge.  I hope Carpenter can bottle him up. 

LSU, as you would think, is no joke.  Hopefully Coach Saban has the kids prepared over the bye, and we come out strong like the beginning of the season.  McElwain needs to get his shit together, McElroy needs to get his head on straight and start firing it downfield, Julio needs to put some glue on his houndstooth gloves, and the big names on defense need to bring their best game to date.  I'm not scared of LSU, nor do I think we romp, but I'm cautiously optimistic that we can get it done.

---USC---

Unfortunately, I tell my friends that Oregon will beat the Trojans by double digits, yet I place zero amount of money on what I feel is a great call.  Fuck me.  Speaking of...

---PICK 'EM---

Thankfully for me, I didn't stay at home dead sober like I usually do, flipping thru games and on the net to follow all the scores...otherwise I would have punched some kittens.  Pick 'Em has been BRUTAL for me lately, and it's starting to carry over to my gambling brethren:

Joker: 2-3 (Had Houston at -7 on the site, but sportsbook had me as -6.5, so I corrected it) on my challenge picks, and a godawful 3-7 on the day.  That not only makes me look like a fucking dolt, it really makes me wonder what it's going to take to get back on track.  I'm going to take my sweet ass time this week, make my picks last (probably Thursday unless I like a weekday game), and start qualifying all the statistics I research instead of doubting them.  I need a lucky Joker girl for next week, so any readers looking for their specific honey, let me know and I'll throw up the best option.

Walter: 2-3

Chicago Kid: 1-4

The Blanket: 1-3-1 (new fella with another blog---hit him up while you peruse the weekly Pick 'Ems from now on)

AUJclayton: 2-3

Racer X: 3-2, easily the winner this week amongst all the shit piles.  Congrats, Racer.

---NEXT WEEK---

My prediction for next week's picks will be that things will start evening out---as far as spreads go---and there will be more diversity of "scores" amongst everybody.  Maybe a 5-0 from someone, a couple will go 4-1, and the rest will still be down.  Hopefully the latter isn't me.  If Vegas wants to keep taking our money, they need to be nice this week.  'Til then, my friends.

Forcing It

I really feel like he is on the cusp of something here.  Sure JT Bowtie has made local news in Mississippi and/or Alabama for calling the Ole Miss fans "white trash", but my good friend Bill Shakespeare said that's much ado about nothing.  The problem is, he's not funny enough; he's not witty enough; and it just seems like he's forcing it.  Otherwise the public would probably enjoy his take on Bama opponents.  Those that "get it", that is.

Say JT, if you want to don the ray-bans and dress like the Lambdas, you have to do it with style, with panache, with a certain...dare I say...je ne sais quoi.  Ya see, I know what path you're trying to tread, but uh, you're doing it wrong.  Divulge yourself in the wonderness of the 80s, lather up with 5 star classics like Weird Science and Adventures in Babysitting, and find you some women like Pamela Wells and Cindy Mancini.

Basically what I'm saying is, be this guy:

NFC Defensive Player of the Month - Part Deux

Part deux?  What do you mean?  Well, exactly one year ago, to the day, I posted an article on the NFC DPOM, and it was Charles Woodson.  Who is it this time?

Charles.

Mother.

Effing.

Woodson.

One of these days all his haters will wake up and realize they could have been enjoying him the whole time they tried to find ways to bring him down.  Half his tenure in Oakland was dogged by asshole, moronic fans who wear "scary" shit like plastic shoulder spikes and makeup that makes even Gene Simmons go "oh come on".  How's everything over in Oaktown now that you got rid of him, eh?  Yeah, that's called karma, and you will remain under the control of the "karmaaa poliiiice" until Al Davis finally croaks.  "Commitment to Excellence" should be changed to "Commitment to Failure".  Truth.

The best part of reading about my all-time favorite player right now?  Seeing this video of my all-time favorite sugar pie honey bunch.  Esquire's Sexiest Woman Alive, in other words.  Kudos to both Wood and Becks.  Love you both.  (by the way, this video will finally make you realize why she's the shit...and if not, I'll buy you some capri pants and big white sunglasses, you giant flamer)

Questions for Auburn

Haven Gaston.  Hooters girl, Bikini.com girl, and general all-around ridiculously good looking woman that nobody seems to talk about.  I think I'll name her Haven-Up, cuz I've never had it, and I never will.

You're probably thinking hmm, why is Joker talking about Auburn instead of Bama?  A few reasons, really.  One, just like in real life, in cyber world you can only count on yourself to do the job.  Since my Auburn guys aren't going to do it, I'll do what's necessary as a Bama man and write the articles myself.  Two, I'm not going to break down the Alabama scenarios anymore, as my mind is already a clusterfuck of all the what-ifs circling my brain, and it's time to just let the boys play.  Three, I must admit I am thoroughly intrigued to see how Auburn fares against a much better opponent than most people think to start off the season, and to see their progression (or regression) as the year rolls on.  No, this will not mean I have the intention of writing more articles on Auburn, as I really don't care; however, with the way some of these nimrod fans are talking, "7-5 at worst, 8-4 or 9-3 is what I see", then I can't help but follow such candid prophecies with baited breath.

Without further ado, if my hombres won't write about Auburn, then I will.  We'll see which "style" you like better:

It's as if having a new coach and staff doesn't mean anything.  It's as if *this* version of the spread will work wonders, as if they didn't say that at the start of last season.  It's as if this new spread will work more efficiently with Chris Todd at quarterback, throwing to wide receivers not a damn person knows anything about.  It's as if the OL that was told to lose weight last season to become more agile and speedy, will all of a sudden transform back to their old weight and still maintain the agility and speed for this new version in this new season.  It's as if Mario Fannin will surprise everyone in the SEC, for the THIRD time Tiger fans have let us known, even though he is an RB turned WR turned back to RB.  And if he can't get the job done, there's always Ben Tate, a "guaranteed first round pick".  And if he can't get the job done, there's Ontario McCanada, who's "the fastest on the team and will own folks."

What about all the tight ends and long snappers Auburn has signed over the years?  What the hell are they supposed to do in the spread?  What about Andrew McCain beside him at right tackle?  Is he the next Chris Capps, and if so, who do they have to replace him?  And why is it so eerily quiet on the Plains?  And why haven't Dyer, Seastrunk, and Lattimore all committed like all the fans threw in our face?  Wouldn't it be more beneficial for the Tigers if they had an early commitment to get the ball rolling?

And what of the defense?  Is there anyone else they can talk about other than Antonio Coleman?  I know all the fans "feel good" about your linebackers, but jesus, you "feel good" about everything without stepping back an legitimately assessing the situation.  Instead of blindly following the blind, where the hell are the guys who demand more?  Where are the media pundits and outspoken fans who are calling out all the bad decisions---Chizik over Gill/Peterson, Stars and Stripes Weekend, Tiger Prowls in cheap limos, "choose Auburn" billboards hoping to steal recruits, etc?  Fearless and True?  Who are you. the Knights of the Round Table?  Stop and think about Gene Chizik, with the unstoppable 5-19 record in the Big XII, facing off with Richt, Meyer, Saban, Miles, and even the young punkass in Knoxville.  Think about this quote from an Iowa State message board from November of 2007:

"Gene was def the right man for the job and we WILL reap the rewards of Jamie's decision in the future. Chizik has a fire and class as well that many coaches don't possess at the same time. Hears to kicking off I-State the right way next year!"

The above sounds like an echo in Tigerland...barring loyalty and excitement, I would be worried about the coming year.  Please, somebody, anybody, tell me why I'm wrong.  Use rational thoughts if you can, as "Fuck you, Joker!" doesn't really help your case.

Today's Word is...Senility

No hot chick today. Serious post time.  Watch the video and listen to the poor old man babble.

1 - Oh (Touchdown) Jesus.  Here we go again.  Same story, different season.

2 - Are you fucking serious, Lou?

3 - Well, he has a point.  The Domers' schedule is pretty easy.

It's that third reaction that made me stop and think.  So let me get this straight, you're an independent school who is too proud to join a conference.  You are the epitome of snobby bitches who think their shit doesn't stink.  Half of your "fans" like your leprechaun logo more than they like your actual football team.  You garner enough money from both private and public (NBC...still don't understand that) parties, so you feel like continually being that asshole at the end of the street who put up a huge privacy gate that blocks the mountain view from your neighbors because, well, "what are you gonna do about it?"

And now, in Charlie Weis's (let's be honest) final chance, you've stacked the odds in your favor with this bullshit schedule:

Sep. 5	Nevada	3:30pm
Sep. 12	at Michigan	3:30pm
Sep. 19	Michigan State	3:30pm
Sep. 26	at Purdue	8:00pm
Oct. 3	Washington	3:30pm
Oct. 17	USC	3:30pm
Oct. 24	Boston College	3:30pm
Oct. 31	Wash. St.	7:30pm
Nov. 7	Navy	2:30pm
Nov. 14	at Pittsburgh	TBA
Nov. 21	Connecticut	2:30pm
Nov. 28	at Stanford	8:00pm

Washington AND Washington State?  YOU DID THAT ON PURPOSE.  There are only 119 teams in Div 1A ball, and here are the ranks 100th or worse for both teams:

Washington State - Rushing offense, passing offense, total offense, scoring offense, rushing defense, total defense, scoring defense, punt returns, turnover margin, passing efficiencly, and sacks allowed.

Washington - (let me get a beer before I write this novel) - Rushing offense, passing offense, total offense, scoring offense, rushing defense, passing efficiency defense, scoring defense, total defense, net punting, kickoff returns, punt returns, turnover margin, passing efficiency, sacks, tackles for loss, sacks allowed.  THE ONE STAT LEFTOVER that isn't over 100th-worse-ranked for Washington is pass defense.  Put it together---yep, no need to keep passing on them when you're up 50-0 at half.  Good competition there, Fighting Irish!  Keep in mind the Mighty USC Trojans play both of these teams as well.

And what does Lou keep saying to defend himself before the anchor can get a word in edgewise?  He repeatedly says that Notre Dame IS NOT the #2 team in the nation (behind Florida), but their schedule is so weak, it will vault them into the championship game based on that alone.  "They only play one team in the top 37 preseason" all year...okay, well then why the FUCK would we want to watch an unchallenged team compete for the whole shabang ONE TIME, when the SEC has to do it week in and week out?

And what does that say about a) Lou Holtz as a competitor and b) about the BCS system if this indeed comes to fruition?  Well, the odds say there is no chance in hell of Notre Dame either winning them all or going to the big dance, so that's somewhat assuring.  And they even ran the numbers in a sim 10,000 times, and they conclude that it gives ND a 0.1% chance of achieving this.  But it's still unsettling that you can cheapen up your schedule so much and use your power to persuade whoever needs persuading to get your shot at the title, instead of doing it the old fashioned way---earning it.

Those who still don't favor a playoff system, or at LEAST a Plus One, are kidding themselves, and they suck as human beings.  This is America, quit supporting the commies---this isn't Russia.  Is this Russia?  This isn't Russia, is it?  Didn't think so.

Unfortunately, it's simply not that easy.  We're talking about a subject where passion rules the game, and even those who see through the thinly veiled BCS bull can't help but tune in and watch.  My buddy Walter over at WalterFootball.com had actually boycotted the BCS the last few years by not watching a single game, and getting people to sign up on his site to do the same damn thing.  As tough as that is to do, he did it, but it eventually caught up to him, and he had to start watching those games because that's a huge part of his life.  Hell, at least he tried.

So the odds favor Notre Dame not getting to the title, unless it's under the most extreme and ridiculous circumstances.  But it's not stopping Lou Holtz from lobbying before the season even starts, and it's not stopping ESPN from airing it---and paying him at the same time.  The Utahs of the world have a long hill to climb if they ever expect to compete for the BCS Championship.  God knows they whooped our ass, they should at least have gotten a shot.  And unfortunately, another team will be in their position next year, and the next year, and the next year, until the BCS is destroyed.

Only a bigger check from another source will solve this problem.

2009 Preseason Heisman Hopefuls

For you young folks, you probably don't know what a dime piece Miss Hurley was back in the day---and she still might be the hottest cougar on the planet.  She even stayed with Hugh Grant after he cheated on her with a homeless guy who smelled like cat pee.  So many good things about her, except one thing---the accent.  There are good British accents (see Kate), and there are bad ones, and unfortunately she falls into the redneck Brit category, with long drawn out words.  Not a good combination.

But, since I'm the ever-positive, always-giving kind of guy, I'd still give her a chance.  Especially if she came to the door like this.  If that doesn't hit you like a ton of bricks, you're gay.  Simple as that.  Although I gotta admit, Teen Wolf Too has the best door opening scene---that I haven't gotten out of my head since middle school---forward it to 2:10.  Damn damn damn.  By the way, Stiles is the best best friend ever.  Can you imagine if Ferris Bueller had Stiles to roll with instead of Cameron's lame ass?  RIP John Hughes.

On to the Heisman Hopefuls, Chatty Cathy...

As we all (should) know, the Heisman candidates and winner is largely a product of the media; whomever ESPN wants to suck off, they'll be numero uno on the list before you finish your after-work beer.  Some candidates will lose ground by midseason, and some will seemingly come out of thin air, so this is obviously a fluid situation.  So that said, here we go:

• TIM TEBOW - Let's just get Jesus incarnate out of the way here.  It's really hard to hate this guy, considering his help in third world countries, his work ethic, his leadership, his effect on teammates, his bullshit virginity, etc.  The guy is a fullback who can throw a deadly accurate pass, and he leads the fastest team in the nation toward its 3rd out of the last 4 national championships this season.  It's hard to imagine him getting hurt, but if he does, DOWN GOES FRAZIA!!
• ERIC BERRY - Let me start off by saying I hate you, Tennessee football program, and your childish jackleg of a head coach.  But damn do y'all have immense talent at safety...or corner...or linebacker...or wherever the hell you want to put Berry, cuz he'll excel.  He's got ALL the tools, and he carries them all in a compact 5'11, 194 lb truck that WILL run over you.  Ask our very own Marquis Maze.  UT would have been even worse last year had it not been for #14, because his impact is felt all over the field, from teammates and opponents.  Yes, the first real defensive contender for the Heisman trophy since the 1997 winner, Sir Charles Woodson of Fremont (he's royalty in my eyes).  The sad thing here is Tennessee's piss-poor record will pull Berry out of the running by voting time.
• COLT MCCOY - McCoy should have won this last year, and he should be hellbent on winning it this year.  How can you lead your team to a 12-1 record, with your only loss coming to the only WR to win the Biletnikoff twice, while you are the leading passer AND rusher of your team, AND you defeated the eventual winner Sam Bradford...yet you didn't win the Heisman?  That's some funked up voting if you ask me, although on the other hand, it's really difficult to take anything away from...
• SAM BRADFORD and his record-setting point total for a college football offense.  That's correct, the three top guys vying for the Heisman last year all came back to play one more year with their teammates and friends.  The Heisman race this year should be insane if these guys resemble anything like last season.  The problem with Sam, however, is that almost all his OL and skill positions on offense left for greener pastures.
• JIMMY CLAUSEN - Now you KNOW I'm being completely impartial with this list if I include a Vol and a Domer.  But the fact remains that Jimmy Emu here has a ridiculously easy schedule, and in the bowl game last season we all saw how he and Golden Tate kind of clicked; the light came on, as they say, and as much as people hate him, his hair, and his school, JC could put up some pretty good numbers, especially throwing to super sophomore Michael Floyd.
• TERELLE PRYOR - Think of TP as a taller, almost as fast, better mechanics and accuracy Michael Vick---except maybe he tucks his pets in when he puts them to sleep, if you dig what I'm puttin' down.  Not only is he a ridiculous athlete who is getting better as a passer every day, he's on the best team in the Big 10---one of the worst conferences out there these days.  OSU's wins, regardless of if they are a direct result of Pryor, will directly contribute to Pryor's heisman chances.
• JAHVID BEST - I thought this guy was a wide receiver for half the season.  Turns out he's the Pac 10's best running back.  Goes to show you how much love we give to pacific coast time.  Start your damn games earlier, ya damn surfers and good looking people.  Best is an all-around athlete that thrives in whatever role you give him---KR, PR, WR, or RB.  If he doesn't get nicked up too badly playing all those positions, look for him to make a run at the Big Three QBs of Tebow, Bradford, and McCoy.
• DEMARCO MURRAY - My knock on the Oklahoma multi-tool is that he runs too stiffly; upright like Darren McFadden, but not quite the athlete.  But he could be if he squatted more in the hole and worked on his flexibility.  (Incidentally I tell my women the same thing, but I digress.)  He's got the explosion and the top end speed to destroy those notoriously awful Big 12 defenses, but as I noted earlier, Oklahoma may have a tough road ahead of them with all the departures.
• DEZ BRYANT - Dez would be my darkhorse this season, but there's no need for any Poke fans to get their hopes up if Michael Crabtree didn't even get close.  Zac Robinson's favorite target, he should excel against the above-mentioned Big 12 defenses, but it won't be enough for the voters to displace the Big Three.

Sleepers that I feel I should mention:

• JULIO JONES - Not even Alabama fans know how good this kid is, nor how good Greg McElroy can be.  JJ has admitted to being hurt from the jump last year, with a myriad of nagging injuries including turf toe.  He's totally healthy now, and Nick Saban has hinted that he'll put Julio on the field as much as possible, and not just at wideout---watch the fuck out.
• JEVAN SNEAD - I don't necessarily think Ole Miss will be as good as the rest of the country seems to think, but if they wind up being an SEC West contender, Snead will be the reason.
• CJ SPILLER - It's finally a one horse offense in Clemson now that Shula's swing-and-a-miss-recruit James Davis left for the big leagues.  Spiller is a SICK talent, and everyone has all but forgotten about Clemson.  Well, don't.  They may not "bring it" this year, but at least the administration gave Tommy Bowden the boot and hired former Bama player Dabo Swinney to get the job done.  If Dabo uses CJ like USC used Reggie Bush, look for some spectacular plays this season in South Carolina.
• CHARLES SCOTT - This LSU standout is a big, bruising back who has the ability to light up SEC defenses when he starts running downfield.  The downfall here will be the quarterback play, as defenses will be stacking the box to intimidate the somewhat untested Jordan Jefferson or just to make Jarrett Lee pee his pants even more than last year.
• JONATHAN DWYER - You may have heard about JD, but you didn't give it any credence.  Until the triple option head coach Paul Johnson implemented turned him into a star.  Dwyer averaged 5.3 ypc in '07 and a staggering 7.0 last season.  Another year for this team to mold themselves as a power running team, and this cat could put up some serious numbers.

Granted there are many more names you could add to this list, but other than the Big Three, it's pretty much all a crapshoot.  And to be honest, I'll probably be pulling for Berry considering my Woodson/DB ties.  I'll just pretend he's not wearing "that throw up orange."

Site Update...Sorta

Sooo if you look closely at this picture, you'll see the ocean.  I promise, it's there.  It's one of those trick photography shots with two images in one, I think.

So, like the new look?  I do.  It's like I punched a shadow in the face, and his black blood is dripping all over my blog.  Maybe next time he'll learn to stop hiding in the darkness watching me masturbate.  Although, let's be honest, can you blame him?

So what do we have to talk about?  There's only so much information I can divulge, considering all the good information sites are private and subscription-based, meaning I don't want to get sued.  I will say that a lot of my hunches seem to be coming to fruition, so that's good for the team and my ego.  That also means you should backtrack and read all my past articles, so it's a win-win for everybody, considering the women, yes no?  GOD this site rules.  No, but seriously, I got an update from my insider buddy, and all the good news was almost as badass as this.

By the way, I will be taking on Walter again in the 3rd Annual Joker/Walter Challenge.  Shitty name, I know, but I'll come up with something before the season starts.  It'll be a rubber match, with me winning in '07 and Wally pulling away late last season.  I'll explain how I bet on top of who I bet, just so everyone is up to speed.  And yes, "Beckinsales" are the same as "Units", because a) that gives me another reason to post her picture and b) it's infinitely better than repetitively typing a penile synonym to a bunch of male readers.  Ya dig?  I knew that you could.

What else do we have to look forward to, Mr. Joker sir?  Well if Mr. Auburn Fan Clay would get his shit straight, you could have some Auburn articles.  But apparently the ONE article he wrote either wore him out, or he finally stopped listening to all the sunshine pumping down on the plains and realized that there's really nothing to talk about for the orange and blue, other than appointing Mr. Pickle Arm as your starting quarterback.  And whooooooa-nelly-Keith-Jackson do they quickly back up this decision before you can say anything.  "No no, the coaches AND PLAYERS say his arm is back to full strength, I swear."  Tell me something boys---if Tyrik Rollison is such the uber talent, and you know you'll suck balls this year, why not give him a baptism by fire?  Let the man make this his team NOW, not next year.  Or is that too "future thinking" for your coaching staff and fans?

On the plus side, however, it does seem like LaDarius Owens will be committing to the Tigers after all.  Maybe.  As for Seastrunk and Dyer, who knows, but the AU faithful have all but handcuffed themselves (possibly literally) to the two of them in the hopes they'll be a 2010 season saver.  Good luck with that.  Even when we got Mr. Kentucky, Shaun Alexander, we still had Chris Samuels to block for him, ya know.  You should probably go ahead and nudge the Cheez and remind him of the OL importance.  Or not, whatever.  Regardless, I'm pretty sure Auburn fans are going to wake up every Sunday afternoon looking like ol' Clooney up there.

Let's see if a continual pissing parade on Auburn will bring Clay out of his hole.  Let's see if he mans up.  Sweep the leg, Johnny.  And hopefully Coach Saban will be a little bit closer to actually filling out a depth chart so we can see how silly/brilliant I am with my predicting skills.

'Til then, my friends.  As always, comments welcome.