The Joker Report

Happy New Year 'n Shit

Had to cuss in the title, didn't ya?  You couldn't make dropping the sailor mouth as one of your resolutions?  That Joker chaps my ass sometimes, I swear.  Seriously, I hope everyone was safe, got some tail, and got home in one piece.  2011 will be a good year, even though I'm not sure how to say it yet.  Twenty eleven?  Two thousand eleven?  Two zero one one?

So how about that ol' Capital One bowl game?  It's not very often that my brother-in-law and I both kinda mutter I think we'll beat the shit out of 'em, but we did...and we did.  By the way, with as agonizing as it was watching him hold on to the ball during certain times this year, those of you out there who would refuse a quarterback going 24-3 over two years are kidding yourselves.  Greg McElroy is probably akin to Jay Barker in the future of Bama fans' minds; once someone brings up the name, you can't help but follow with "well he may not have been ______, but he gave us a ring."  Hard to argue with that.  Although I'll admit, every time I hear the ring argument, visions of Dan Marino's failure to ever get one dance through my head.  Marino can't catch a break; never had the running back, nor the defense, and now he doesn't even have the stat records cuz of Favre's unwillingness to hang 'em up.

Anyway, in his final game, Mark Ingram surpassed Shaun Alexander's TD mark, giving Alabama a new all-time leader at 42.  I'm not sure how I feel about that, as "SU" is one of my favorites.  I'm kinda fierce about protecting the players I love (yeah we know - does the above paragraph ring a bell?), but in this case, it makes sense that our very first Heisman winner have the stats to back it, as well.  Congratulations to both Greg and Mark - we're going to miss you.

That brings up a question that will remain tentatively unaswered - who else is leaving?  Is Julio Jones going to seek gobs of cash to help out his family, or will he listen to mama and get his degree?  From all accounts, JJ is a different kind of cat, so ruling him out to return would be a mistake.  The NFL lockout may have something to say about this, as well.  If I had to guess, I'd peg Julio as a goner.  It's just too much money to turn down, no matter what events are happening in your life.  I'm hearing Marcell Dareus is "gonezo" from my insider, and from piecing the clues together, it looks like Dont'a Hightower and Mark Barron may be returning.  Do you realize what that means?

Assuming Courtney Upshaw listens to Coach Saban about not entering the draft unless assured of a first round selection, that means our defense for next year - my mind is saying holyshitholyshitholyshit before I even type this - has this talent pool to choose from:

5* Jerrell Harris
5* Nico Johnson
5* Dre Kirkpatrick
5* Demarcus Milliner
5* Hasean Clinton-Dix
4* Jesse Williams
4* Luther Davis
4* Darrington Sentimore
4* Glenn Harbin
4* William Ming
4* Kerry Murphy
4* Dont'a Hightower
4* Adrian Hubbard
4* Robby Green
4* Chris Jordan
4* CJ Mosley
4* Tana Patrick
4* Ed Stinson
4* Courtney Upshaw
4* Alex Watkins
4* Mark Barron
4* John Fulton
4* Phelon Jones
4* Robert Lester
4* Kendall Kelly
4* Dequan Menzie
4* Nick Perry
4* Blake Sims (should play offense)
4* Jarrick Williams
4* Shannon Brown
4* Trey DePriest
4* Quinton Dial
4* LaMichael Fanning
4* Chris Jones
4* DJ Pettway
4* Alfy HIll (we all hope)
3* Undra Billingsley
3* Josh Chapman
3* Brandon Ivory
3* Damion Square
3* Nick Gentry
3* Chris Bonds
3* Brandon Lewis
3* Anthony Orr
3* Jonathan Atchison
3* Petey Smith
3* Chavis Williams
3* Wesley Neighbors
3* Vinnie Sunseri
3* Deion Belue
W/O Will Lowery

Dude, that's video game silly, and more incoming freshmen will be added to that list.  Assuming nobody snatches Kirby Smart from us this offseason, we should yield one of the most ridiculous defenses seen in recent memory.  I'm not even making that up, and no I'm not getting ahead of myself.  The hit we took this year with inexperience is given back in spades by the (probable) return of Dont'a, Barron, and Upshaw - not to mention a very pissed off Robby Green, who had to sit the year cuz of weed.  If all college kids had to sit the year because of smoking weed, we'd have two teams in the FBS - BYU and a depleted Utah.  Add in the fact that the coaches and players are now angered at seeing how well we can actually play as a team, and if they put in the work this summer...sickdiculous things can happen next season.  Yes it sucks to be talking about next season already while Auburn preps for the big game, but that's parity and that's college football.

Speaking of, how do I think the BCSCG will go down?  I think there is a force in this world that sleeps...I don't know what you could call it, but it stays in hibernation mode until so much shit-talking and overconfidence wakes it from his slumber.  This force will then arise from his bed, papa bear style, and fuck up people's expectations.  This will happen on January 10th. 

Fine, go ahead and say of coooourse the Bama guy doesn't expect Auburn to win.  He hates us, he only gives his own team credit, wah wah wah.  That is not true - not only do I give Auburn credit, as well as Cam and Fairley - but I let my annoying ass cousin spit all his Auburn propaganda on my site just to give the Auburn readers a sense of belonging.  And by the way, props to them for patronizing my site even though it's mostly all things Alabama.  It would be very difficult for me, as an Alabama fan, to do the same for an Auburn blog.  Although if my friends started an AU blog, I'd read it religiously in support.

That being said, my REAL thoughts on this game.  We, as the SEC, don't really know (or care) about the Pac 10.  Sure we've seen some Oregon games - maybe two if we're honest - but I don't think people understand how effing good they are.  The main story here, in my my humble opinion, is whether Auburn's luck continues to coast, or it finally hits the wall.  Hence the hibernating monster theory.

I've maybe heard ONE person give Oregon a shot at winning this game.  That is lethal to karma, or the force I keep bringing up.  If you don't stay humble as a fan base, other things will be set in motion to make you lose.  I honestly believe that.  It's like somebody in the sky is watching and keeping tally of all the smack the orange and blue are saying, and waiting for it to hit the high-water mark that warrants the action of the monster force.  Again, the force will be awakened, and he will smack the Tigers in the mouth.

Chip Kelly can EASILY take Nick Fairley out of this game.  Oregon football is built on the same shit I curse other spread teams for doing, aka misdirection, sweeps, bubble screens, trick plays, etc.  He has had over a month to show Darron Thomas how to audible around wherever Fairley lines up.  Couple that with the ***ridiculous*** speed of the Oregon offense, the terrible Auburn defense coached by a terrible DC Ted "Holes All Up In My" Roof, and the pace at which Kelly clicks off plays, and the Tigers will be taking early timeouts just to get their breath back. 

That's all fine and dandy, but how does Oregon's defense stop Cam Newton?  They can't.  But this is where I feel like Auburn's luck will run out.  With however many carries as Cam has had this year, he's lost what, one fumble?  He hasn't gotten banged up or rolled an ankle or even been hit in an odd fashion, all part of the college game.  When Auburn doesn't have that luck on their side - which all championship teams do - then they will start to show chinks in their armor, and the Ducks will capitalize.  Let's not forget that, with as many times as Oregon scores and gives their opponent that many more chances to score, they are still 12th in the nation in scoring defense.  Their turnover margin is 7th in the nation, their punt return squad is the BEST in the nation along with their total and scoring offense.  Even though they play in the Pac 10, these are not flukey numbers one can simply dismiss.

I think inherent ignorance of UO's season from the casual observer is the biggest problem leading to all the assumptions that Auburn rolls next Monday.  Alabama, with their "game manager" quarterback and has-been Heisman obliterated the Tigers...until they got all cocky and sat on the lead.  Keep in mind that "got all cocky" part - there's the full circle.  Now I'm not saying I'll be 100% correct in my assumption, but do you remember when Ohio State thought they would roll Florida?  When Oklahoma thought they would trounce LSU?  USC over Texas, it goes on and on.

My prediction: Oregon 52 - Auburn 37.

The above is my tiebreaker for the College Bowl Pick 'Em, which I have yet to address.  Last season we had 40-something teams...this year, 119.  It's like we're the FBS, and we're all competing in the bowls to see who comes out on top.  Isn't that neato?!  But seriously, that's awesome to have so many guys and girls competing.  And so far, Grauel is on top.  Vacation System, Ohio Gator, Joker, and Kentlys Raiders round out the Top 5.  If i were a betting man - and I am - I would bet those top 5 will change by season's end.  Nothing is for certain in college football, boys.  Good luck, and let's hope I can stay near the top to keep my reppy rep in place.

Lessee, what have I forgotten?  Oh, who's down for some pretty women?  Of course you are.  Stay tuned for Auburn fan posts and comments, as I'm sure they want a chance to argue for their team/say how physical they are/laugh at the 52 I put for Oregon, etc.  I stand by my prediction though, so mouth off boys, cuz as always...

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And some ridiculously hot web cam girl named Bertha Nieves.  I mean Joker girl gorgeous, people:
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Google around for the rest of her pics.  You're welcome.  Holla back now.

Week 6 Thoughts

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So before I even wrote this I started wondering how the JR readers would be feeling today, what kind of mindset they'd have before googling "joker report" for the umpteenth time (try bookmarking, it's a wonderful feature), and what they would expect from me after such a...uh...unique Saturday.  I'd assumed the Bama fans want an explanation for the way the Tide played.  I had assumed the Auburn fans would be clicking F5 on this site all day to catch a glimpse of my shame.  I had also assumed the guys who count on me (remember the disclaimer, guys) to make good picks for them would be back here with a vengeance wondering what the fuck happened.  Welp...assuming my assumptions were correct, I guess I should start explaining.

Oddly enough, my picking style is comparable to Bama's situation.  My glorious 0-5 is like a giant L next to the win column, knocking me down several pegs from my perch, and elevating others into my spot.  Honestly, I need to look within myself and ask if I really gave it my all.  Since the answer is no (hell, I didn't even explain my picks!), I just have to man up and understand that the picking "process" better be tweaked, much like Jim McElwain's FUCKING HORRIBLE gameplan.  Instead of going on autopilot, like OUR ENTIRE FUCKING DEFENSE (minus Mark Barron), I should have prepared more and stayed longer in the film room.  I should realize being comfortable with my picks, much like ALABAMA'S MINDSET, opens myself up to a damning right cross from the Gods, aka a South Carolina victory - best in the HISTORY of their program, says Steve Spurrier.  The double whammy of going 0-5 in picks and Alabama finally losing is enough to humble even Lebron James...well, let's not get carried away.  Sad thing is last year I said our one loss would be to South Carolina.  This year I said we'd lose one, but never said who.  Well, now we know I was a year too early.

To start, I hate throwing my own team under the bus, especially the players.  THEY are out there busting their ass and taking heat from the Nicktator, while I sit in my chair and throw judgment upon them.  They're also running through the gauntlet right now of what, 800 teams in a row with a bye before playing Bama?  I mean shit, we won 19 games in a row, 29 regular season games in a row, won a Heisman, and won a National Championship.  You can only stay at the top with no incident if you're Kate Beckinsale on the Joker Report, nawmean?  And even then I almost switched to Cheryl Tweedy, but I digress.  My point is, there is one particular player who should NOT have been on the field on our opponent's presumptive run plays.  Hell, on any fucking plays until he got his head straight, even though I know he's good in pass defense.  I'm talking of course about CJ Mosley.  Granted he's a freshman (which is already a red flag), but I haven't seen someone this out of touch, this out of position, and this easily blocked since, well, Marcus Carter's entire senior year.  I counted 6 times IN THE FIRST QUARTER ALONE where Mr. Mosley could have made a stop, made a play, or even just trip up a guy to slow him down that would have GREATLY benefited Alabama's situation.  I eventually stopped counting and calling for his head, because clearly Coach Saban is too stubborn to see factual evidence in front of his very eyes and pull the kid.  This is not backlash from anger - it's 3:25 pm the following day as I write this particular piece.  Again, I hate to call out individual players, but CJ - this ain't Theodore, Alabama anymore - this is SEC football, and it ate you up and spit you out on Saurday.  Let's hope you learn from it, as I know you're a special talent, and let's also hope your coach can figure out how to replace players when they're getting abused.  I ain't mad atcha...but I sure as fuck needed to vent at you.

While I'm at it, will the real Dont'a Hightower please step up?  God have mercy, I KNOW FOR A FACT you are better than the way you are playing.  Barron doesn't seem to be a vocal leader (a la Charles Woodson), but I know Dont'a has that fire.  Hightower needs to take this young team under his wing and start generating some mother fucking passion, cuz they looked dead out there, going through the motions like a fat kid in a Phys Ed class.

And of course Auburn fans immediately lit up facebook like the Iraqi sky in Desert Storm.  Sadly - and quite predictably if you stop to think of their relentless pursuit for drama - the women were the worst.  God knows they passed through the room with the game on once or twice, asked what the score was, and thus spawned enough info for them to spew ignorance at Bama fans.  I will say though, I understand the feeling of looking up, seeing the king toppled, and having a good laugh at his expense (jester's point of view, and all).  However, the fact that so much was said prior to their own game was just silly.  Had Kentucky won, woooo mama.  But alas, they didn't, because it's clear nobody can stop Cam Newton...well, his legs at least.  If anybody can light him up and ring his bell, shaking his confidence enough to keep him in the pocket, then things might change.  Until then, I really don't see how Auburn will lose.  It's still a one man show, but that one man is still kicking.

Back to Bama - anybody want to tell me why we completely reversed a proven formula?  Had we worked thru the *still decent* 3.8 yard per carry average and committed to the run - which by the way also keeps the luckiest man alive Steven Garcia off the field - we would be looking at a different outcome today, I guarantee it.  Instead of a 2:1 run/pass ratio, it was a 2:1 pass/run ratio.  With Julio Jones only at 80% or so.  Now I'm not a man of common sense...oh wait, YES I FUCKING AM.  That is a complete mindfuck to think that we couldn't overcome adversity by sticking to what we do best, and instead letting an opponent force us into changing the way we play Alabama football.  We gave our HEISMAN WINNER 11 carries.  Eleven.  You know, the guy who is fully refreshed after missing a couple early games this season.  You know, the guy who will knock you over or make you miss on his way to the end zone.

So they were stopping the Wildcat pretty well, so what?  I noticed McElwain changed to more pistol formation, and we started doing a little better.  Go back to the Wildcat.  Why abandon it completely?  Hell, to add insult to injury, South Carolina lined up in the Wildcat and actually gave the ball to the motion man, something we don't even fucking consider cuz apparently our coaches can't expand their thought process that far.  "Wait, you mean hand the ball off once hiked?  No way!  That's not how we do it around here!" 

As for Greg McElroy...you know I'm a supporter.  I still am.  Let's not forget the kid threw for a career high 315 yards, adding 2 touchdowns with no picks.  But the guy can't shake his perfectionist tendencies.  He'd rather take a sack - or twenty - then throw an incompletion.  That or he's just thinking way too much back there.  The anti-Dan Marino, the process from Greg reading an open receiver and getting him the ball is about as fast as my mom's old Volvo 240 DL.  It's painful, but all the chicken littles need to simmer, because we will NOT be seeing AJ McCarron this year unless we're up by 30.

Remember my pregame post about South Carolina's advantages versus the Tide?

DL - 7 sacks of McElroy.  Ummm check.
WR, specifically Ashlon Jeffrey - 7 rec, 127 yds, 2 TDs.  Ummm check.
Home field advantage and week to prepare.  Checkmate.

There are positives to a loss, and in this instance the Alabama players (and admittedly certain douchebag fans) all now know first-hand that they are not invincible.  We can now stop hearing ESPN louldy licking our balls, and also they can now stop talking about McElroy's last loss in 8th grade.  This is a gut check moment for our team, a time to reflect and ask themselves if they want to win the rest and once again sit atop the SEC, or if they'll fall into a Shula mindset of "well, we tried our best" and start getting into off campus trouble and losing games we should have won, falling into a downward spiral of DJ Hall- and Jimmy Johns-itis.  It really is a fine line for these young impressionable men to walk.  Only time will tell.

Oh, and by the way, NICE FAKE FIELD GOAL, Coach!  Hey, let's catch everybody off guard and throw it to a backup fucking jack linebacker, cuz God knows he has Larry Fitzgerald's hands.   /rant

So Who's in the 2010 Title Game?

Thought I'd give you a little background music this time around.  Adds to the ambiance.  Plus it makes me want to drink, so if it does the same for you, then maybe it'll make my articles more bearable.  You know what else would make my articles more read-worthy?  Ashley Greene, body-painted, all up in this bitch.  You're welcome.  (click them for best, um...experience)

So this morning there was a gameday special with Dez, Fowler, Corso, and Herbie.  I had another nickname for Corso, but my reserved table in Hell is hot enough.  Anyway, it was your usual prediction deal, but unlike the CBS guys, the ESPN analysts seem to actually watch the football games, so they didn't all just say Alabama vs Ohio State in the BCS Championship, which was refreshing.  Sure, I'd obviously enjoy a second straight season if the Tide got there, but come on, there are 119 other teams and absolutely nothing happens if you're wrong, so throw some shit out there.  Be original.  Hell, I'm thinking more teams will be losing more games than they think - damn near all of them - so I'm over here thinking what happens when Iowa will be the #1 seed and because of the above statement, either an undefeated Boise State or TCU will be forced into the BCSCG.  Now how boring slash unfair slash irrelevant would that be?  Maybe it would take something like that for the big wigs to actually change the BCS system to a plus-one or playoff.  I mean seriously, how awesome would a college football playoff be?

Breakdown:

Desmond Howard - Alabama vs Miami 

Lee Corso - Nebraska vs Florida

Kirk Herbstreit - Florida vs Oklahoma

Joker Report - Okay, here's my thing.  Auburn fans clearly have no idea how to do this, so I'm going to  make it bold: you can't base your entire season on ONE FUCKING PLAYER.  If anything happens, be it a blown out ACL or another stolen laptop, then what happens to the Tigers?  Barrett Trotter will come to the rescue?  Really?  What happens when Ryan slams a Mallet(t) on his throwing hand?  What happens when Terrell Pryor slips on a banana peel and shatters his coccyx?  HELL YEAH I just used that word.  I'm eliminating one-man teams from any sort of championship, so I suppose that means Iowa or Wisconsin wins the Big Ten.  Bama or LSU, not Auburn or Arky, plays Florida in the SECCG.  Anyway, we'll get into arguments later, my prediction is:

I still don't know.  Let's try to do this mathematically.

  Alabama/Florida - the odds say that whoever loses first will probably win the second time, and have enough time to work themselves back into the championship picture.  So this one is a tossup, assuming Bama can scrape by all the tough SEC West opponents.  We'll say both here have one loss.

  Ohio State - I think Miami beats the Buckeyes.  A - cuz I just feel like the Canes are explosive enough to do so, and can be up enough for one game to pull the upset, and B - cuz fuck Ohio State, that's why.  If this is the case here, at LEAST one loss for OSU on the year.

Boise State - I'm on record saying they beat VT, and other than Oregon State, would you look at that horseshit schedule?  Undefeated in my book.

Texas - On record saying Oklahoma will beat them, and Nebraska will, too.  Longhorns are out, and Mack should be, too (as head coach at least...he should stay and "recruit").

TCU - Undefeated.  Period.  And here we go again with these stubborn non-BCS conference teams that can't help but keep winning.

Oklahoma/Nebraska - Winner of Big XII CG here has a chance to go undefeated. 

Iowa - I honestly think Kirk Ferentz throws down, the cornfed and boring way, and goes undefeated - BUT, logic throws that one bad game in there to give them one loss.

Virginia Tech - One loss to Boise State, shouldn't lose another with Ryan Williams going buckwild.

And that's just the Top 10, people.  Talk about a logjam at the end for BCSCG rights, this may be the year where the natives finally get off their asses and start throwing molotov cocktails at the BCS system.  Honestly, if what I said above holds true (fat chance of my being 100% correct, but go with me here), then how am I supposed to pick the championship game participants?  I don't know what they'll  be ranked when they lose, or how deserving the undefeated guys are, or even how to arbitrate a decision for or against an undefeated non-BCS team or teams versus a one-loss BCS team or teams.  What a confusing, steaming pile of shit college football will be in December.

But alas, I feel I should choose two teams that will best represent college football in the 2010 BCS National Championship, so drumroll please...

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1-loss Alabama vs an undefeated Nebraska.  LSU undertones of Nick Saban vs Bo Pelini.  Crimson and White versus Red and Cream.  Dominant defenses who have been put through the ringer of SEC and Big XII play, only to face their toughest competition in the big game.  Who's the loss for Bama?  Who knows. 

It's tough for me, on this date, in this position, as an Alabama fan, to say that Bama wins the whole thing - and to be believed as reasonable, non-biased, and thoughtful of the entire college landscape.  But what if I truly thought that they were the best team this year?  Honestly speaking, if I felt like Ohio State was really the best all-around team in the land, I'd tell you.  But I just can't say it'll be Team A instead of Alabama, just to "seem" non-homer to the casual readers.

For starters, our offense will be disgusting this year.  Up until this very frick-frackin paragraph, I have not thought much about our offense.  We have a defensive mindset as a fanbase, and always have.  But this year, if my hunch about McElroy holds true, you can't stop us.  Nobody can.  I know most people think Julio Jones will just continue to underachieve and drop passes - but what if he doesn't?  What if 2010 is where Julio steps outside his own critical thoughts and just plays ball like he instinctively knows how to.  Only Patrick Peterson and Prince Amukamara will have the slightest chance.  And tell me something, who's supposed to stop Ingram and Richardson?  You can't.  Sure Bynes can shadow Ingram and do a very good job at it.  But what happens when Saban brings Blake Sims as shotcaller, in pro set, with Mark and Trent to either side.  Shyeah, try stopping that option with Julio blocking on the second level.

Yes, our offense will be the one carrying Alabama to the title game, giving our defense game after game to work out the kinks and gel as one cohesive unit.  If Saban can turn around Marquis Johnson's game, AND get him drafted...what do you think he's going to do with the starting 5-star cornerback tandem of BJ Scott and Dre Kirkpatrick?

Now I'm sure Tiger and Volunteer fans will read this with a grimace.  Their thought processes through the whole explanation was of how arrogant and conceited Alabama fans have grown to be, not giving anyone else a fighting chance.  That's not what I'm saying at all.  I think the SEC West will be tough as shit this year - I did say we'd have a loss - but the fact that we have been winning and stockpiling talent this whole time is enough to keep us at the top right now.  Next year could be a completely different story, but we're talking about this year.  See how that works?

Aaaaanyway, I'm sure this will bring much debate, so bring it.  I haven't spoken much with folks about football lately, only that we're all eager to get started, so this is a welcome reprieve from work and "real life".  Gimme your predictions in the comments, and if you want a guest spot to talk more about it, let me know.

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Fluid Chart?

Who says being a child star doesn't have its perks long after your career is dead?  This is Peter Brady/Christopher Knight's wife, Adrianne Curry, simply making him breakfast. And yes, this is exactly how guys like their food to be prepared.  And silly me, I just realized whenever I saw this picture that she had posted it on her Twitter account, and that she does shit like that a lot.  Yet I still haven't checked my Twitter account in forever.  Why?  I tried it for a week.  I looked around.  I left stupid statuses every so often.  I read others' statuses.  And it was dumb as hell.  At least on Facebook you can see pretty girls and stalk, or laugh at how sad some of your friends' lives have become.  And vice versa - I mean look at me, I've turned into that guy who posts music videos when I'm bored and half-naked women on a "football" site every few days.  I can just feel some of the women facebook friends of mine boiling me with hate, feeling in their mind that I'm objectifying women and perpetuating male stereotypes and blah blah.  Riiiight.  So you're not perpetuating stereotypes by marrying rich, being a stay at home mom that will never have to work again for the rest of her life, and eventually divorcing for half his shit when you've found your next gullible victim?  Be thankful I don't open your eyes up to how incredibly ugly your kids are and how unfeasibly fat you've gotten since high school.  In other words, just go ahead and continue to keep your thoughts to yourself, or I will unleash verbal hell on your fat ass.  "He who casts the first stone" and shit, am I right?  And don't get me started about the people who work inside and complain about the heat outside.  OHHHH DON'T GET ME STARTED. I'm done with you now, so...

On to football, before I start calling out individual people.  I know this will blow your mind, so tighten your seat belts.  My insider was told Darius Hanks has stepped it up.  While this is nice, this is literally the only tidbit he's given me.  There is even a scrimmage today, closed to the public - but not him - and he's skipping it.  Thankfully there is BamaOnline to steal a few cookies from.  However, I deserve to repeat said treats, considering the vast amounts of bullshit I have to sift through to find them.  It is unbelievably annoying reading all the "pray for me" and "hey, who do you think is the best Bama player ever?" posts that clutter the board 24/7.  First of all, if you need prayers sent your way, go clog up Facebook like everyone else does with that shit.  Or you could just man up and admit to yourself, hey, Grandpa's damn near 95, MAYBE HE'S ON HIS WAY OUT.  Secondly, the best Bama player is clearly some guy everyone has forgotten from the early 1900s, who gets no fame nor credence despite the fact that he played with a broken leg, busted teeth, and ended up dying early because of it.  But don't let that stop the fanboys saying it was Lee Roy Jordan or John Hannah or Joe Willie.  They'll inevitably skip Don Hutson and chastise anyone who claims a player under 40 years of age.  No no no, Shaun Alexander could never absolutely abuse all the old school "legends".  Right, how soon we forget just how great he was.  He's the guy who started my drunk saying "get off me" when he ran cuz he broke so many tackles.  Yeah, the 2005 NFL MVP could never hang.  I mean think about it, think about 1950's and 1960's football - do you think a SINGLE one of them could hang with Tyrone Prothro?  It's a different age, a different time.  To all the old timers who think new school couldn't possibly hang with old school, I leave you this:

Okay, so what the hell was my point?  Oh, BOL cookies.  Well, the only one I want to divulge is already from another site, so no harm no foul.  BamaSportsReport.com has assembled a *gasp! Don't tell Coach Saban* depth chart according to the rotation of players in camp so far.  Here 'tis:

QB - McElroy, McCarron, P Sims, B Sims
RB - Ingram, Richadson, Lacy, Goode, Marrow, Grant, B Sims
TE - Williams, Underwood, Vogler,
TE - Dial, Smelley
LT - Carpenter, McCullough, Love, Shepherd
LG - Warmack, Motley
C - Vlachos, Ross, Lindsay
RG - B Jones, Steen, K Williams
RT - Fluker, Boswell, Kouandjio
WR - J Jones, Gibson, Alexander, Bowman
WR - Maze, Bell, White
WR - Hanks, Norwood, Malone

LDE - Dareus, Billingsley, Lewis, Orr, Ming
NG - Chapman, Murphy, Moore, Gentry, Ivory
RDE - Davis, Square, Bonds, Sentimore (Sentimore is ahead of Bonds, but working in back because of discipline)
JLB - Upshaw, Watkins, Stinson, Harbin, Hill, Hubbard
MLB - Hightower, Fowler, Mosley
WLB - Jordan, N Johnson, Patrick, Smith
SLB - Harris, C Williams, Atchison
LCB - Scott, Milliner, P Jones
FS - Barron, J Williams, Neighbors
SS - Lester, Lowery, Perry
RCB - Kirkpatrick, Menzie, Fulton
Star - Menzie, Milliner, P Jones
Money - Lowery, J Williams, Perry

Okay, so let me take a swing at this.  First of all, there are "positions" and "strings" assigned to people in depth charts.  But that's too confining.  Coach Saban has more than one position for more than one player, and the same with 1st or 2nd string.  In other words, say we're in Nickel situation for an opponent's first down, meaning the opponent has 3 wide receivers on the field and we want to at least "show" man coverage.  I would wager Saban would bring in an extra backer with good coverage skills as star, say Jerrell Harris, to cover the slot receiver - instead of Menzie, who is first string.  The thought being that odds are it's a running play or short pass, so having another linebacker who is 80% effective in this scenario would be better than Menzie, who would only be around 40% effective here, being a smaller corner with better coverage skills than run-stuffing skills (that's not to say he can't bring some thunder - dude is ripped).  Not to mention, if Harris reads that his man is just a decoy, he can rush the passer and provide pressure for other guys to make a play.  Sure there's a risk here against the deep ball, but that's what Mark Barron is for.  That's levitation, holmes.

But...this is where the game begins.  Reader Z just read the above and says "well, what if the quarterback sees a linebacker on his quicker slot receiver and calls an audible for a quick out, easily moving the chains?"  I'd say to you "well, what if I keep Harris inside and show Barron coming down to cover slot?  If you throw a dig to the slot man, Harris has him.  If you try to send the slot man deep, Barron was already backpedaling at the snap and will have an easy pick."  Thank God for the 40 second clock, or coaches would play this game ad nauseum.

Okay, so hopefully (after my usual tangents) that explains my point on Coach not really having Player A at Position A, "and only" Position A.  Basically it's a fluid chart instead of a depth chart.  But let's see what we can gather from looking at the one listed.

QB - Nothing surprising here.  For those that don't know, Blake Sims is our multi-talented recruit.  The one we had, then lost, then got back.  He can literally play every skill position.

RB, TE, OL - Again, no real surprises

WR - We know about Jones, Maze, and Hanks.  We don't know dick about ANY of the rest, save two.  As fans, we know about Brandon Gibson, who has yet to live up to the hype.  I know he has it in him, as I've seen glimpses.  But I also know it's easier said than done.  Then there's Earl Alexander - seems like he's been here since Shaun Alexander.  I'm not so sure he'll retain 3rd string status for very long with the talent we have now.  Which leads me to all the guys we as fans have yet to see really perform: Kenny Bell (blazer), Keiwone Malone, Michael "Julio #2" Bowman, Kevin Norwood, and the most buzz from a freshman so far, DeAndrew White.  White somehow slipped through the cracks of Texas and ended up here.  From what I heard, expect huge things from this kid.  We just don't know when that will be.

Okay, now on to the fun part.  Defense, anyone?

Base 3-4 DL - Marcell Dareus, Josh Chapman, Luther Davis.  First two are obvious, but I remember reading an article quoting Saban as saying how much Luther has gone through, how he's matured, and what all he does on and off the field now.  Clearly when you pass Saban's test, you'll be rewarded.  However, I see another fluid situation with Davis and Damion Square, as it's starting to feel like these guys have been here a while.  Whether it's two years or four, some of these guys have never been named starters - yet that should not detract from their new promotions, considering it's more like we've kept talent on the bench instead of being forced to use lesser players now that the big guns have left.  Does that make sense?  In other words, we have legitimate stars in the making that have been all but forgotten.  Furthermore, at "third string" (fourth cuz he's in trouble), one of the guys I feel will make a push is Darrington Sentimore.  Even though he may only be a redshirt freshman, I feel like this dude's future is bright.  Undra Billingsley, Kerry Murphy at 6'4, 319 who can do backflips...it's like we've had badasses in hiding this whole time.

Speaking of badasses, let's get to the linebackers.  Before I say anything, I'm a speed guy, so it goes without question that my favorites are Hightower, Chris Jordan, and Jerrell Harris.  In Saban's latest press release Thursday from al.com:

"We have some guys that need to develop at that position. Dont'a Hightower is doing really well. He can play multiple positions. Chris Jordan has had a reasonably good camp. He needs to continue to make some improvement on the mental side of it. Past that, a lot of the young guys, they've got a long way to go. ... I'm not as concerned about (outside linebacker) in terms of their development, experience and ability to play. It's the inside guys and the multiples of how we can put them together."

So the two ILBs I like get Saban's approval, which is great.  And the fact that Jerrell may be our starting weakside linebacker just smothers that icing all over the cake.  In our base defense, my three guys will be starting?  Shut up.  It's like I finally have control with that, Scott and Dre and corner, and Woodson at safe...aww shit.  If you've been under a rock lately, Rod Woodson has transferred.  It would have been nice to see him rocking heads, but it is what it is. I'm pretty sure Napoleon Gumsmacker has already snatched him up at UNA, by the way.

So more on our OLBs...Chavis Williams will be backing Jerrell, according to this early depth chart.  I will say I saw Chavis and Alex Watkins A LOT around the ball last year, albeit mainly on special teams and during garbage time.  But the fact that they are both second string doesn't surprise me.  Speaking of the Jack position, it looks like Courtney Upshaw may have cemented his spot ahead of Watkins here.  I see a mean streak in Courtney, and he'll fucking lay the wood.  However, I wouldn't be surprised if, in pass-rushing situations, Dont'a would occasionally switch out with him here.  Like Saban said above, Dont'a can pretty much play any position, so I promise you #30 will be all over the field.  See where I'm going with the whole Butkus award thing now??  For the record, I'm chomping at the bit to see Ed Stinson as our full time jack 'backer in the future.

Aaaand on to the best athletes on the field, the DBs.  Let's start with the obvious - Mark Barron is our starting "free" safety.  It's not like Saban uses free or strong, but we'll give him that title.  With more-talented-than-you-think-he-is Robby Green being suspended for the year and the aforementioned Rod Woodson transferring to UNA, the stage was set for Robert Lester to fall into place.  So far he has, but I have seen little to nothing of him personally as far as playing time, so I really can't comment on how he plays.  We know about Kirkpatrick and Scott all but locking down the starting cornerback jobs, so that leaves us with the Star position that everyone's favorite player Javier Arenas played last season.  Javy prety much mastered this position, or at least what Saban asked of him.  HUGE shoes for either juco transfer DeQuan Menzie or true freshman DeMarcus Milliner to fill.  You've got to think, with Saban's track record of acquiring juco's, that Menzie is in better shape to land this role.  But it's hard to disregard the kind of speed and coverage ability Milliner brings to the table.  However, in my opinion, Menzie wins out because he'll prove to me a much more willing tackler than Milliner, who is still used to being a wideout and kick returner than a hardcore, well-rounded Nick Saban defensive back.

Backing up safety...well, I don't really want to think about it, as it's nothing but inexperience and youth.  Thanks again, Robby!  I mean, when is the last time Alabama has had two legitimate badass starting safeties?  1992?  It's like we only get one at a time.

Cornerback depth has the same inexperience/youth problem, BUT it's easier to put a guy at corner and tell him to stick on a guy no matter what, than to throw someone at safety and tell him to read the offense, the playcall, and which man to take.  Having a smooth striding speedster like Milliner, a cover-corner like John Fulton, and an LSU transfer SEC-caliber player in Phelon Jones makes me rest a little easier at nights, in case something goes awry with BJ or Dre.

Man.  That was a lot to talk about.  Hopefully we can get some more concrete details on the "fluid chart" after today's scrimmage.  And just for sticking with me and reading the whole article, you deserve an award - what could possibly be the best ass...ever.  You could eat dinner off that thing.  'Til next time, my friends.

Dont'a's Inferno

.....I wish I could picture everyone at home or at work tilting their heads 45 degrees and scanning their eyes up and down within milliseconds of seeing this photo.  I've got you trained like a damn dog.  Now, if you were to ask my friends (before I commented on either picture), whether I'd be more likely to date this girl or the blonde chick in the last article, most would choose this'n.  Actually, they'd say I have no with shot either, but ANYWAY, THAT'S NOT THE POINT...they'd choose this one.  And to be honest, if that blonde wasn't in that skin tight black "dress", I'd probably agree.  This girl is brunette; has piercings, but not enough to sneer and call her a freak; she's got some nice gams on her, which will fill out nicely when she gets older; aaaand the cappa, she's flipping me off with a sly grin.  See, I can tame this girl.  She can have all the attitude she wants, but she would know her limit with me.  Not that I'd backhand her or anything, my point is more towards the blonde NOT knowing when to stop.  The blonde thinks she can date whomever she wants (and probably could, let's be honest), so she can DO whatever she wants and get away with it IF ol' dude (me) wants to keep her.  So basically, the blonde would sabotage the relationship, I'd say within a month, to get everything she wants and to use me as a stepping stone for the next better-looking, richer guy.  This brunette chica would give me a hard time because that's inherent in women, but there's some tomboy in her, she likes guy friends more than her girl friends, and if she could ever kick the coke habit, it may last for a while.  But alas, even if I'm 100% correct in my five minute assessment of these pretty little women, I will still have to go home solo with Rosy Palm.  At least she has five friends.  Wait, does that mean I have an orgy every day, and sometimes twice?  I THINK SO!! Rockstar.

So about my opinions...I'm not saying I believe them to be 100% true.  That's why I say opinion, not fact.  For example, something could change within the month to where John Fulton shows better inside leverage on receivers, and therefore gets the starting nod over Scott.  Personally I think that's horseshit and won't happen, but I'm not out there to see it for myself, so yet again it's "things I know but don't know."  Everybody with me?  Goood.

TIKBDK and/or opinion #3 - Odds are we will NOT go undefeated again, and I agree.  This will not resonate well with the sunshine pumpers who read the site, but let me explain.  Do we have the talent to win every game?  Without a doubt.  Do we have the coaching, the fan support, the TV market, the stadium expansion for more noise, blah blah blah to make this season a complete success?  Absolutely.  Do I feel like Nick Saban is a modern Dr. Frankenstein who is building his own freakish crimson monster?  Hell yes, and it'll be hard to stop it. But as focused and dictator-like as he is, Saban can not control luck.  LUCK played a major factor last year in helping us get the crystal ball.  LUCK happens in favor of EVERY national championship team, aside from maybe that one Michigan team back in the day that beat the shit out of their opponents 655-0 or something.

To continue, do you remember the Tennessee game?  That is the only time last year when I thought the worst.  How could you not?  We already blocked a field goal in that game, we weren't going to do it twice.  But we did.  And as a matter of fact, we had double luck on that play, for had Terrence Cody not blocked the kick, Daniel Lincoln would have missed wide left.  And let's be honest, karma definitely played a role in there as well, considering who the head coach was at the time.  Enjoy all those investigation talks, Lane.  AGAIN.

But the luck factor didn't stop there.  Do you realize how healthy Bama was last year?  Sure we should all pay homage to Scott Cochran for being a loud bad ass who gets our guys in shape and motivates the piss out of them, but how does that prevent blown ACL's and tight hamstrings and high ankle sprains?  Mark Ingram was only banged up for one game, Greg McElroy had two broken ribs but powered through it like a MAN...and it seems the only real blow to us was my favorite player on the whole team, Dont'a Hightower, getting hurt.  And believe me, I'll talk about that beast later on.

Want more examples of luck?  Up 9-0 at the Ole Miss 36 yard line.  Tiffin could easily nail a 53 yarder right then to go up 12-0 at half, or we could have possibly moved the chains on the 4th down attempt and got him a closer field goal try.  But hey, this happened instead to open the game up a bit and let the team relax and focus in the second half.

Mark Wildcat going superman on South Carolina in McElroy's only 2 interception game (was there and loving it, thanks Breck), Roy Upchurch begging and pleading with Coach Saban to cap off The Drive, Marcell Dareus popping Colt McCoy's arm so bad that he had no feeling...I mean sure, these are all traits of competitors who refuse to lose.  But sometimes you still lose, and in 2009 we didn't - because of luck.  in 2010, we have the chance to go undefeated.  But luck will intervene.  In favor of the bad guys.  How many times is what I'd like to know.  Trust me, I'd love to be wrong on this one.  But with all our youth and all the circumstances and events and passions of the game, a wrench will be thrown in there somewhere.

Opinion #4, Dont'a Hightower will follow up Rolando McClain and win the 2010 Butkus Award for best linebacker in the country.  Don't laugh...last year I predicted McClain to win.  In hindsight it seems so obvious, but back then ALL the talk was Brandon Thug Life Spikes.  But hey, strictly for your benefit (and my chance to gloat if it pans out), you can jump on the foresight bandwagon I just created for you.  Words words words, then tell me why Dont'a is so special, Joker.  Will do.

Think of Dont'a's physicality and instincts as akin to McClain's intellect and football savvy.  Coach Saban said Rolando was one of the smartest guys he's ever coached, but Dont'a is a smart cookie, too.  From what I'm hearing, it sounds like Hightower will be MLB in our base defense, then move outside on pass rushing downs.

Okay, so take that paragraph above and think of it like this---Dont'a Hightower is to Rolando McClain what Mark Barron is to Rashad Johnson.  See where I'm getting?  Rolo and Rashad were the play-callers who knew what was going to happen before the offenses did.  Barron and Dont'a are better athletes and have a higher physical ceiling, but won't be on the Rolo/Rashad level until they hit that playbook and sleep in the film room.  Barron is almost there and should be a superstar in 2010; Hightower had nothing BUT tape to watch and books to read last year, so once he gets acclimated to SEC play, the experience factor will already be there, and well...look out.

As I said above, #30 will be MLB in our base 4-3 defense, meaning he'll probably be the one calling the shots out there, quarterbacking the D, and getting a lot of 1st down tackles on scared little running backs.  on 2nd and 3rd downs, he'll rotate to the outside to get more pressure on the quarterbacks - I'm fairly certain that last season CNS said he's the quickest guy to the quarterback on our team - and he'll rack up occasional tackles, but definitely more opportunities for QB hurries and sacks.  I assume on these downs, Mark Barron will be setting up the defense pre-snap, as Dont'a will be too busy smelling blood.

The one thing that I haven't harped on yet...well, two things...is his size and his hunger.  According to BamaOnline.com's roster, updated TODAY, DH is listed at 6'4", 258 lbs.  Now think about that for a second.  That's pretty much Rolando reincarnated---except DH is faster and hits harder.  As for the hunger part, imagine being an ultimate competitor on an elite college level team.  Imagine some douchebag offensive lineman takes you out low, blowing your knee up like whoa.  Imagine now having to sit out the rest of the year, while your best friend and ILB bookend leads his team to a national championship.  Without you.  Let's just say 2010 could be the year of Dont'a's Inferno.  And yes, this version of the inferno will also have nine circles of hell---all Bama's SEC opponents plus the SEC Championship game:

Arkansas - Limbo - "they lacked the hope for something greater than rational minds can conceive.."  Like a respectable coach?  A national title?  A low crime rate in Little Rock?

Florida - Lust - "first ones to be truly punished in Hell."  Oh, so Tebow was there to SAVE Urban Meyer before the inevitable happened.  Now i get it!

South Carolina - Gluttony - "the gluttons lie here sightless and heedless of their neighbors, symbolizing the cold, selfish, and empty sensuality of their lives."  Ahh, and Cerberus guards them.  No wonder the only Gamecock fan I know treats dogs like shit.

Ole Miss - Avarice and Prodigality - "Virgil tells Dante that it would be pointless to try to speak to them – indeed, they have lost their individuality, and been rendered 'unrecognizable.'"  Unrecognizable?  But they have Snead...no wait.  I mean what about McClusker?  Or Hardy?  No?  Not even Colonel Reb?!  Damn, good call then.

Tennessee - Wrath and Sullenness - "the wrathful fight each other on the surface, and the sullen lie gurgling beneath the water."  In other words, Kiffin's antics and violations have left Dooley with a sinking ship.  Nailed it again, Dante.

LSU - Heresy - "what the souls in Hell know of life on earth comes from seeing the future, not from any observation of the present. Consequently, when 'the portal of the future has been shut,' it will no longer be possible for them to know anything."  I think it's safe to assume Les Miles' portal has been shut for a while now.

Mississippi State - Violence - "here the violent against God and the violent against nature all reside in a desert of flaming sand with fiery flakes raining from the sky."  Have you been to Starkville?  Spot on.

Auburn - Fraud - "The fraudulent—those guilty of deliberate, knowing evil—are located in a circle named Malebolge, or 'Evil Pockets'."  But Dante, I thought Alabama were the frauds, always randomly stealing championships and paying players?  Sounds pretty hypocritical to me...well heyyyy, hypocrites are part of this circle, too!  "the poets find the hypocrites listlessly walking along wearing gilded lead cloaks, which represent the falsity behind the surface appearance of their actions – falsity that weighs them down and makes spiritual progress impossible for them."  Uh oh, found more bad news for Auburn fans: "Flatterers also exploited other people, this time using language. They are steeped in human excrement, which represents the words they produced."  Better go easy with all that Cam Newton talk, although I guess you're used to that shit smell by now, huh.  And wouldn't you know it, Jay Jacobs is in this ring, too!  "Two further cantos are devoted to the fraudulent advisers or evil councilors, who are concealed within individual flames. These are not people who gave false advice, but people who used their position to advise others to engage in fraud."  And not to leave anyone out, Auburn fans are included as well: "various sorts of falsifiers who are a "disease" on society, are themselves afflicted with different types of diseases."  Outstanding work, Dante.  I mean Dont'a.

SEC East Champion - Betrayal - "The Ninth Circle is ringed by classical and Biblical giants, who perhaps symbolize the pride and other spiritual flaws lying behind acts of treachery.  The traitors are distinguished from the "merely" fraudulent in that their acts involve betraying a special relationship of some kind."  Okay, so Urban Meyer and Florida will be there again, got it.

You didn't realize Dont'a was that descriptive about his opponents, did you?  And if you're a casual opposing fan who just dismisses the above as no real evidence of Hightower's ability, let me ask you a question.  Is anybody on your team 6'6' and anywhere from 340-380 lbs?  If you're lucky, the answer is yes.  However, you're not lucky when you play us, because Dont'a doesn't give a fuck about that kind of size.  Keep your eye on DJ Fluker, the right tackle.  Yes, you saw that correctly.  Just think what he'll do to your smaller offensive tackles this Fall.  Just don't let the fear control you.

That's it for me tonight, gents and one or two random ladies.  Until next time I get that itch, my dear readers and haters...

Things I Know Before I Know Things

I'm going to just give you the straight talk, the really real, the horse's mouth, etc., about what I think when I see the person in this picture:

"Goddamn.  Are you serious?  That is the tightest...all I can picture is puncturing a juicy orange.  Bouncing quarters off of it.  Slapping it, seeing absolute anarchy, and then slapping it again.  Detaching it somehow, taking it home with me, and sleeping on it.  And I bet it's better than an orange.  I bet it's like...wait, is she in Hooters?  Good lord when is the last time I've been there?  I mean let's be real, they have nice girls here but nothing like that.  Damn good thigh muscle, too.  Could eat it like chicken.  Raw.  Hot sauce.  Look at that smile.  Look at those eyes.  They're talking.  They're saying Heyyy Joker, I'm the biggest cock tease you have ever met, and if you happen to be on your game the night you see me, and if you happen to get me back home, I'll still be the most dangerous thing you'll ever touch in your life.  I'm talking no-limit credit cards, needles, guns..so do you still want me?  Honestly, that depends on how many pitchers you bring me, goose.  I hate your little Hooters "ratio quota" of pitchers to people at the table.  Have you not seen me with Jager?  Hell, I give HIM stomach aches.  Jager comes over for a football game, and by the third quarter he's ass up in the guest bedroom.  Of course you're dangerous.  I saw that way before you saw me and did your little cheek turn.  Now granted, I would hit that more than Ike hit Tina/Chris hit Rihanna/Elin hit Tiger, but I already know the outcome would be one of three things: fiance's fist imprint on my face, stolen wallet, or crabs.
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Ah hell, I'll risk it.  Just for that one thing.

So as the title says, I really don't know shit right now, but I'm going to share what I've heard and do a little guessing as to what will happen over the next month in preparation for San Jose State.  The team with a new coach.  Yeah, the one who is dropping the spread implemented last year and going to a new scheme.  The same one that will play up to SEVEN guys on both sides of the ball this year.  Whose first game is against the defending National Champions.  Whose shmegma on the locker room floor could crack the Spartans two-deep.

Just to make sure you're concentrating, I'll post another picture of Erotic Girl #331,452.  Yeah, I've got a lot of leg and thigh bones stored in the ol' noggin'.  And if you're a chick that knows me from facebook - and you're reading this - yep, you're in there, too.  Don't shudder, you should be grateful.  For the record, I am spitting guy facts left and right in this article, and the sad thing is girls will still say "I don't get guys."  Huh?  Hot women, football, and alcohol.  It's a deadly concoction, but it's the glue that holds American society together.  Bet.

God that girl is VICIOUS.  And I don't like blondes that much.  Know what that means?  She's brunette.  I think I love her.

Okay okay, let's try to focus on football, Mr. ADHD.  The time is finally here, so we need to embrace it, even if all we can get our hands on is a site like this with opinions we may or may not agree with.  Well, let me just throw opinion #1 at you:

BJ Scott WILL be a playmaker for Alabama this year.  Finally.  And please, don't blame him, his 5 star rating out of high school, Coach Saban, or anything else.  Coach was just trying to get his talented ass on the field, making a switch to WR, it didn't work, and now we're back to square one.  Except he now has a lot more of the mental game to add to his arsenal, and don't believe he's had any athletic dropoff, either.  I personally believe he's the most athletic guy on the team.  My insider says it's Dre Kirkpatrick, many will say it's Julio, others will say Mark Barron.  I know it when I see it, and BJ Scott has sickdiculous skills.  HELL YES I JUST MADE THAT UP AND IT RULES.

Anyway, point being, with ***PRESUMABLY*** Dre and BJ being the starting tandem at cornerback, I will finally get to see MY style of play.  Oh lord, here it comes, the Woodson reference.  Ya see, back in 1995 a youngster by the name of Charles Woodson played cornerback as a freshman.  Raw, unproven, and just recently converted from tailback.  What happened?  This.  Now granted, even though that was Chuck's second pick of the game, Terry Glenn had made some plays on the kid.  As a Bama Nation, we all need to learn that Dre and BJ WILL GET BURNED THIS YEAR.  They will almost always bite on pump fakes by the qb and double moves by the receiver.  But the rest of our defense is so good, we can allow that to happen, especially with Mark Barron acting like Sean Taylor back there, not to mention the blitzing schemes Saban and Smart supply.

Now don't get me wrong, I am by no means dismissing Dre Kirkpatrick.  How can you not like a guy with all that swagga?  Dre has the height I like in DBs, and BJ has the build I like, and both being athletic freaks, you really can't go wrong with them this year.  Once they get it right between the ears...wow, you will see some amazing stuff.  Oh, did I mention the best defensive backs coach in the nation is their head coach?

Opinion #2, Alabama's offense will be VASTLY improved and more well-rounded.  Now, at first glance, you'll think to yourself in a snide way well no shit, Joker.  It kinda has to be, all you did was run last year.  Hey, guess what, fuckstick voice inside your head?  We could do it again if we wanted.  And there's not shit you can do about it, either.  But if Coach Saban wants to keep bringing in elite recruits across the board, he needs to show stats across the board.  He will do this by opening up the passing game.

If I'm not mistaken, during Jim McElwain's last season at Fresno State, he was able to manage almost a 50/50 balance of run/pass in his offense.  I'm not saying he'll do that this year, but I do know he's got the plays to do it, and now he has the talent.  And every time I say this, unless it's after a big game from him, I feel like I'm being ostracized: Greg McElroy can throw the damn ball.  And very well.

I can't believe how many times over the course of last season I saw message board after message board equate his game to that of John Parker Wilson's.  Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me.  Did JPW ever have a 60.9% completion rate when he was throwing to random blades of grass?  Did he ever, even in his dreams, have a 17:4 touchdown to INT ratio?  Greg has 5 picks in his Alabama career, something Wilson can do in two games.  Did JPW ever throw for 239 and a touch against the Florida Gators? 

--- Oh, and the biggest stat of all...GREG HASN'T LOST A GAME YET ---

Yeah.  There's a difference between being a "game manager" and being a "game winner".  Fuckers.

So let's say you believe me, that McElroy is already a good quarterback, and you already know about his work ethic and how he studies so much he even plays out games in his head before taking the field...then why would our offense NOT be better with another year under his belt?  With one last chance for Julio Jones to play like we know he can?  With Marquis Maze And Darius Hanks ready to shine even brighter?  Three starting OL coming back, an untapped billy BA at tight end in Michael Williams...and...and something else.

Oh yeah, the reigning Heisman winner, the guy who can't be tackled, and the guy who only Bama fans know about until mop up time against the Spartans.  The three-headed Cerberus of Alabama, by God. You know the names.  If you don't, then why the hell are you reading a football blog?

Stay tuned for more opinions.  You know you like 'em.  And just in case you don't, there's always the sickdiculously hot chicks.  Hiyooooo there's that full circle thing he always does!  Ahhh, it's good to be back.