The Joker Report

Happy New Year 'n Shit

Had to cuss in the title, didn't ya?  You couldn't make dropping the sailor mouth as one of your resolutions?  That Joker chaps my ass sometimes, I swear.  Seriously, I hope everyone was safe, got some tail, and got home in one piece.  2011 will be a good year, even though I'm not sure how to say it yet.  Twenty eleven?  Two thousand eleven?  Two zero one one?

So how about that ol' Capital One bowl game?  It's not very often that my brother-in-law and I both kinda mutter I think we'll beat the shit out of 'em, but we did...and we did.  By the way, with as agonizing as it was watching him hold on to the ball during certain times this year, those of you out there who would refuse a quarterback going 24-3 over two years are kidding yourselves.  Greg McElroy is probably akin to Jay Barker in the future of Bama fans' minds; once someone brings up the name, you can't help but follow with "well he may not have been ______, but he gave us a ring."  Hard to argue with that.  Although I'll admit, every time I hear the ring argument, visions of Dan Marino's failure to ever get one dance through my head.  Marino can't catch a break; never had the running back, nor the defense, and now he doesn't even have the stat records cuz of Favre's unwillingness to hang 'em up.

Anyway, in his final game, Mark Ingram surpassed Shaun Alexander's TD mark, giving Alabama a new all-time leader at 42.  I'm not sure how I feel about that, as "SU" is one of my favorites.  I'm kinda fierce about protecting the players I love (yeah we know - does the above paragraph ring a bell?), but in this case, it makes sense that our very first Heisman winner have the stats to back it, as well.  Congratulations to both Greg and Mark - we're going to miss you.

That brings up a question that will remain tentatively unaswered - who else is leaving?  Is Julio Jones going to seek gobs of cash to help out his family, or will he listen to mama and get his degree?  From all accounts, JJ is a different kind of cat, so ruling him out to return would be a mistake.  The NFL lockout may have something to say about this, as well.  If I had to guess, I'd peg Julio as a goner.  It's just too much money to turn down, no matter what events are happening in your life.  I'm hearing Marcell Dareus is "gonezo" from my insider, and from piecing the clues together, it looks like Dont'a Hightower and Mark Barron may be returning.  Do you realize what that means?

Assuming Courtney Upshaw listens to Coach Saban about not entering the draft unless assured of a first round selection, that means our defense for next year - my mind is saying holyshitholyshitholyshit before I even type this - has this talent pool to choose from:

5* Jerrell Harris
5* Nico Johnson
5* Dre Kirkpatrick
5* Demarcus Milliner
5* Hasean Clinton-Dix
4* Jesse Williams
4* Luther Davis
4* Darrington Sentimore
4* Glenn Harbin
4* William Ming
4* Kerry Murphy
4* Dont'a Hightower
4* Adrian Hubbard
4* Robby Green
4* Chris Jordan
4* CJ Mosley
4* Tana Patrick
4* Ed Stinson
4* Courtney Upshaw
4* Alex Watkins
4* Mark Barron
4* John Fulton
4* Phelon Jones
4* Robert Lester
4* Kendall Kelly
4* Dequan Menzie
4* Nick Perry
4* Blake Sims (should play offense)
4* Jarrick Williams
4* Shannon Brown
4* Trey DePriest
4* Quinton Dial
4* LaMichael Fanning
4* Chris Jones
4* DJ Pettway
4* Alfy HIll (we all hope)
3* Undra Billingsley
3* Josh Chapman
3* Brandon Ivory
3* Damion Square
3* Nick Gentry
3* Chris Bonds
3* Brandon Lewis
3* Anthony Orr
3* Jonathan Atchison
3* Petey Smith
3* Chavis Williams
3* Wesley Neighbors
3* Vinnie Sunseri
3* Deion Belue
W/O Will Lowery

Dude, that's video game silly, and more incoming freshmen will be added to that list.  Assuming nobody snatches Kirby Smart from us this offseason, we should yield one of the most ridiculous defenses seen in recent memory.  I'm not even making that up, and no I'm not getting ahead of myself.  The hit we took this year with inexperience is given back in spades by the (probable) return of Dont'a, Barron, and Upshaw - not to mention a very pissed off Robby Green, who had to sit the year cuz of weed.  If all college kids had to sit the year because of smoking weed, we'd have two teams in the FBS - BYU and a depleted Utah.  Add in the fact that the coaches and players are now angered at seeing how well we can actually play as a team, and if they put in the work this summer...sickdiculous things can happen next season.  Yes it sucks to be talking about next season already while Auburn preps for the big game, but that's parity and that's college football.

Speaking of, how do I think the BCSCG will go down?  I think there is a force in this world that sleeps...I don't know what you could call it, but it stays in hibernation mode until so much shit-talking and overconfidence wakes it from his slumber.  This force will then arise from his bed, papa bear style, and fuck up people's expectations.  This will happen on January 10th. 

Fine, go ahead and say of coooourse the Bama guy doesn't expect Auburn to win.  He hates us, he only gives his own team credit, wah wah wah.  That is not true - not only do I give Auburn credit, as well as Cam and Fairley - but I let my annoying ass cousin spit all his Auburn propaganda on my site just to give the Auburn readers a sense of belonging.  And by the way, props to them for patronizing my site even though it's mostly all things Alabama.  It would be very difficult for me, as an Alabama fan, to do the same for an Auburn blog.  Although if my friends started an AU blog, I'd read it religiously in support.

That being said, my REAL thoughts on this game.  We, as the SEC, don't really know (or care) about the Pac 10.  Sure we've seen some Oregon games - maybe two if we're honest - but I don't think people understand how effing good they are.  The main story here, in my my humble opinion, is whether Auburn's luck continues to coast, or it finally hits the wall.  Hence the hibernating monster theory.

I've maybe heard ONE person give Oregon a shot at winning this game.  That is lethal to karma, or the force I keep bringing up.  If you don't stay humble as a fan base, other things will be set in motion to make you lose.  I honestly believe that.  It's like somebody in the sky is watching and keeping tally of all the smack the orange and blue are saying, and waiting for it to hit the high-water mark that warrants the action of the monster force.  Again, the force will be awakened, and he will smack the Tigers in the mouth.

Chip Kelly can EASILY take Nick Fairley out of this game.  Oregon football is built on the same shit I curse other spread teams for doing, aka misdirection, sweeps, bubble screens, trick plays, etc.  He has had over a month to show Darron Thomas how to audible around wherever Fairley lines up.  Couple that with the ***ridiculous*** speed of the Oregon offense, the terrible Auburn defense coached by a terrible DC Ted "Holes All Up In My" Roof, and the pace at which Kelly clicks off plays, and the Tigers will be taking early timeouts just to get their breath back. 

That's all fine and dandy, but how does Oregon's defense stop Cam Newton?  They can't.  But this is where I feel like Auburn's luck will run out.  With however many carries as Cam has had this year, he's lost what, one fumble?  He hasn't gotten banged up or rolled an ankle or even been hit in an odd fashion, all part of the college game.  When Auburn doesn't have that luck on their side - which all championship teams do - then they will start to show chinks in their armor, and the Ducks will capitalize.  Let's not forget that, with as many times as Oregon scores and gives their opponent that many more chances to score, they are still 12th in the nation in scoring defense.  Their turnover margin is 7th in the nation, their punt return squad is the BEST in the nation along with their total and scoring offense.  Even though they play in the Pac 10, these are not flukey numbers one can simply dismiss.

I think inherent ignorance of UO's season from the casual observer is the biggest problem leading to all the assumptions that Auburn rolls next Monday.  Alabama, with their "game manager" quarterback and has-been Heisman obliterated the Tigers...until they got all cocky and sat on the lead.  Keep in mind that "got all cocky" part - there's the full circle.  Now I'm not saying I'll be 100% correct in my assumption, but do you remember when Ohio State thought they would roll Florida?  When Oklahoma thought they would trounce LSU?  USC over Texas, it goes on and on.

My prediction: Oregon 52 - Auburn 37.

The above is my tiebreaker for the College Bowl Pick 'Em, which I have yet to address.  Last season we had 40-something teams...this year, 119.  It's like we're the FBS, and we're all competing in the bowls to see who comes out on top.  Isn't that neato?!  But seriously, that's awesome to have so many guys and girls competing.  And so far, Grauel is on top.  Vacation System, Ohio Gator, Joker, and Kentlys Raiders round out the Top 5.  If i were a betting man - and I am - I would bet those top 5 will change by season's end.  Nothing is for certain in college football, boys.  Good luck, and let's hope I can stay near the top to keep my reppy rep in place.

Lessee, what have I forgotten?  Oh, who's down for some pretty women?  Of course you are.  Stay tuned for Auburn fan posts and comments, as I'm sure they want a chance to argue for their team/say how physical they are/laugh at the 52 I put for Oregon, etc.  I stand by my prediction though, so mouth off boys, cuz as always...

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And some ridiculously hot web cam girl named Bertha Nieves.  I mean Joker girl gorgeous, people:
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Google around for the rest of her pics.  You're welcome.  Holla back now.

Google AdSense and Dating Sites?!

Let me explain this site a little bit, for those who don't already know.  I am just some dude in Alabama who needed a way to vent about football, and somewhere along the way, I added other topics.  Actually, starting off, I was making a website to "showcase" my scouting skills on defensive backs, mainly cornerbacks, so I could get a job as an NCAA or NFL scout.  That is why I have the Player Profiles category.  But soon I realized the long road I had to hoe (snicker), and that I'd be away from my dogs/house/city almost constantly, so I said "fuuuck that" in my Southern drawl, and started talking about Alabama, then other teams, then adding hot women, then adding funny pictures, then adding music, etc.  Maybe along the way I could make some spare change through ads and banners and whatnot.  So I had Yardbarker shit and Google shit and whatever the hell else is on my page that I don't pay attention to.  Why don't I pay more attention to it?  Well, for one, I haven't gotten a check from Google, even though they owe me money.  It's not a big check or anything - I'm no Walterfootball.com, which dominates Google searches - but the fact remains it's money owed.  I haven't written them, emailed them, or called them yet, because over time I just didn't care about any money issues with this site.  The one constant that remains is that I've created a voice in cyberspace to put my opinions out there...and my friends' opinions, too, if they ever feel the need.  So basically, I've kept a well-written, sometimes funny, always entertaining site to give my readers something to think about and talk about during painful work weeks at their boring ass jobs.  So since I haven't received any payment for it, you'd think Google would correct that issue, right?  Just got this email:

Hello,

While reviewing your account, we noticed that you are currently displaying
Google ads in a manner that is not compliant with our policies. For
instance, we found violations of AdSense policies on pages such as
http://jokerreport.typepad.com/. Please note that this URL is an example
and that the same violations may exist on other pages of your website.

As stated in our program policies, AdSense publishers are not permitted to
place Google ads on pages with adult or mature content. In addition to
photos and videos which contain nudity or sexual activities, below are
some other examples of unacceptable content:

   * Lewd or provocative images
   * Crude or indecent language, including adult stories
   * Sexual tips or advice
   * Sexual fetish sites (e.g. foot fetish content)
   * Adult toys or products
   * Ads or links to external sites containing adult content
   * Adult links and/or adult keywords within the meta data in the source
code of your site



As a result, we have disabled ad serving to the site.

Sooo even though I have never once showed any nip, any bush, or any full on ass (that I remember), the Google AdSense team decide to not only NOT pay me - which is fine, that's clearly not my angle - but also they will now retract their ads from my site.  No big whoop when it all comes down to it, but it still feels like they walked up to my front yard and took a shit on my tulips.  If you know me at all, don't touch my fucking tulips.  My reply:

What does it matter?  You get free publicity from my page and have been for years, and you have yet to pay me a single penny.  In other words, go fuck yourself.

Sincerely,

The Joker Report

So my friends, there is proof I write for you and me, not for any money, and definitely not under any goddamn language rules.  You gotta be fucking kidding me: me=water and rules=oil.  In hindsight, I missed a great opportunity - I should have added "Here's $1.25" before "go fuck yourself".  Ah, you win some, you lose some.  Anyway, sure my email probably went straight to nowhere, considering it's one of those "no reply" deals; although considering my luck, it went straight to the google webmaster's inbox, and he has promptly erased any Joker Report data they had for me.  Ah well, time for Yahoo, MSN, Bing, Jeeves, and the hundred other search engines to step it up.  On to other topics...oh, and thanks to typepad.com for not having a single issue with me.  Respect is shown back with no full on nudity or any of that shit...although I've been asked on numerous occasions by horndog readers to spark it up a bit.  No dice, fellas.  You have options.

Complete 180 time.  If you missed the Army/Rutgers game, then you missed a sad story.  Eric LeGrand of Rutgers, playing on special teams, hit the ball carrier hard - but his head was low.  After all was said and done, he is now paralyzed from the neck down.  The video is here, and if you want to send some kind words his way, you can do so here.

Complete 180 again.  I told a couple buddies that I would join some online dating sites and record my "experiences" here on my blog.  If you're thinking hey wait, what does this have to do with football?, then I implore you to scroll up to the top left corner of this page.  And I quote: "A unique perspective on football---and whatever the hell else I want to talk about."  So, here 'goes.

I figured there are some guys out there in my position, and some in completely different situations, that could actually benefit from at least trying online dating.  I'm not talking literally "dating online", as I've done that before with umpteen girls (at least told them that), assuming one day we'd finally meet and everything would be peachy keen and all that crap.  No, I'm implying that a bunch of guys out there could reap some pretty decent rewards if they used some of these sites to their advantage.  I mean, think about it - is it possible to visit every city in say, North Alabama, on the one or two weekends that you have time to get out?  Well fuck no.  But you know there are some dime pieces out there, single for a long time, only to get scooped up by the Ricks of the world (awesome movie, by the way).  So if that's the case, what is the best opportunity, aside from stalking facebook once you get a first name, to put yourself into a good situation with a girl like that?  Exactly.  For some reason a decent amount of women aren't "afraid" to sign up for those sites, yet every guy I talk to (including me) is quick to reply "oh fuck them apples, bra.  No ma'am."  Well, consider this a science experiment, and yours truly is the frog.  Besides, I just turned 33 and I don't ever go out, which doesn't exactly help things.

Now granted I will probably see some random girls I already know - I won't pass judgment.  After all, women got to get their freak on, too.  Let's just hope these girls don't see my picture and expect to think I'm on the market for them, nawmean?  Cuz let's be honest, 90% of what you think about these sites might very well prove to be true - bucktoothed, spectacled, fivehead, wide-eyed, pyramid-shaped women who live on welfare and have 15 cats.  Not that there's anything wrong with that...actually, a lot is wrong with that, but hey, to each her own.  I can't wait to get a new message from one of those manatees...I'm just going to reply with the following:
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The problem I foresee is how to share info of each "prospect" with you, my readers.  I'm sure there are privacy issues, not to mention it's instant "well...bye" if they ever found out I shared any of their info or pictures.  So I guess I'll have to make it vague enough to where the shitheads on this site - you know who you are - don't go blabbing to friends in that city to find out who these people are.  After all, I call Huntsville a slightly bigger Dawson's Creek, cuz if anything happens, everyone will know it by the next morning.  But like I implied earlier, this isn't about finding a girl in my own city; I want to find that diamond in the rough who lives in Small Town USA before the "Ricks" get to her.  You know, that bangin' waitress from Hickville who will eventually end up with some 'neck in a jacked-up Silverado with a coondog named Cam, unless I start clicking and messaging on my little computation machine.

I'll probably start with Match.com, E-Harmony, and Chemistry.com.  If they each offer a 3 month membership, I'll try that.  Who knows, maybe something positive will happen from this.  Regardless, whether I get ass, a good girl, or have just a terrible experience, I will let all you lonely kids out there know if it's worth the trouble.  Wish me luck.

Oh, and here's a hot girl from the new 90210, Jessica Lowndes.  Don't know who she is or if that show is any good, but I know she's got some talented DNA.  I would bite a chunk out of that leg if I could get within striking distance.
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Week 6 Thoughts

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So before I even wrote this I started wondering how the JR readers would be feeling today, what kind of mindset they'd have before googling "joker report" for the umpteenth time (try bookmarking, it's a wonderful feature), and what they would expect from me after such a...uh...unique Saturday.  I'd assumed the Bama fans want an explanation for the way the Tide played.  I had assumed the Auburn fans would be clicking F5 on this site all day to catch a glimpse of my shame.  I had also assumed the guys who count on me (remember the disclaimer, guys) to make good picks for them would be back here with a vengeance wondering what the fuck happened.  Welp...assuming my assumptions were correct, I guess I should start explaining.

Oddly enough, my picking style is comparable to Bama's situation.  My glorious 0-5 is like a giant L next to the win column, knocking me down several pegs from my perch, and elevating others into my spot.  Honestly, I need to look within myself and ask if I really gave it my all.  Since the answer is no (hell, I didn't even explain my picks!), I just have to man up and understand that the picking "process" better be tweaked, much like Jim McElwain's FUCKING HORRIBLE gameplan.  Instead of going on autopilot, like OUR ENTIRE FUCKING DEFENSE (minus Mark Barron), I should have prepared more and stayed longer in the film room.  I should realize being comfortable with my picks, much like ALABAMA'S MINDSET, opens myself up to a damning right cross from the Gods, aka a South Carolina victory - best in the HISTORY of their program, says Steve Spurrier.  The double whammy of going 0-5 in picks and Alabama finally losing is enough to humble even Lebron James...well, let's not get carried away.  Sad thing is last year I said our one loss would be to South Carolina.  This year I said we'd lose one, but never said who.  Well, now we know I was a year too early.

To start, I hate throwing my own team under the bus, especially the players.  THEY are out there busting their ass and taking heat from the Nicktator, while I sit in my chair and throw judgment upon them.  They're also running through the gauntlet right now of what, 800 teams in a row with a bye before playing Bama?  I mean shit, we won 19 games in a row, 29 regular season games in a row, won a Heisman, and won a National Championship.  You can only stay at the top with no incident if you're Kate Beckinsale on the Joker Report, nawmean?  And even then I almost switched to Cheryl Tweedy, but I digress.  My point is, there is one particular player who should NOT have been on the field on our opponent's presumptive run plays.  Hell, on any fucking plays until he got his head straight, even though I know he's good in pass defense.  I'm talking of course about CJ Mosley.  Granted he's a freshman (which is already a red flag), but I haven't seen someone this out of touch, this out of position, and this easily blocked since, well, Marcus Carter's entire senior year.  I counted 6 times IN THE FIRST QUARTER ALONE where Mr. Mosley could have made a stop, made a play, or even just trip up a guy to slow him down that would have GREATLY benefited Alabama's situation.  I eventually stopped counting and calling for his head, because clearly Coach Saban is too stubborn to see factual evidence in front of his very eyes and pull the kid.  This is not backlash from anger - it's 3:25 pm the following day as I write this particular piece.  Again, I hate to call out individual players, but CJ - this ain't Theodore, Alabama anymore - this is SEC football, and it ate you up and spit you out on Saurday.  Let's hope you learn from it, as I know you're a special talent, and let's also hope your coach can figure out how to replace players when they're getting abused.  I ain't mad atcha...but I sure as fuck needed to vent at you.

While I'm at it, will the real Dont'a Hightower please step up?  God have mercy, I KNOW FOR A FACT you are better than the way you are playing.  Barron doesn't seem to be a vocal leader (a la Charles Woodson), but I know Dont'a has that fire.  Hightower needs to take this young team under his wing and start generating some mother fucking passion, cuz they looked dead out there, going through the motions like a fat kid in a Phys Ed class.

And of course Auburn fans immediately lit up facebook like the Iraqi sky in Desert Storm.  Sadly - and quite predictably if you stop to think of their relentless pursuit for drama - the women were the worst.  God knows they passed through the room with the game on once or twice, asked what the score was, and thus spawned enough info for them to spew ignorance at Bama fans.  I will say though, I understand the feeling of looking up, seeing the king toppled, and having a good laugh at his expense (jester's point of view, and all).  However, the fact that so much was said prior to their own game was just silly.  Had Kentucky won, woooo mama.  But alas, they didn't, because it's clear nobody can stop Cam Newton...well, his legs at least.  If anybody can light him up and ring his bell, shaking his confidence enough to keep him in the pocket, then things might change.  Until then, I really don't see how Auburn will lose.  It's still a one man show, but that one man is still kicking.

Back to Bama - anybody want to tell me why we completely reversed a proven formula?  Had we worked thru the *still decent* 3.8 yard per carry average and committed to the run - which by the way also keeps the luckiest man alive Steven Garcia off the field - we would be looking at a different outcome today, I guarantee it.  Instead of a 2:1 run/pass ratio, it was a 2:1 pass/run ratio.  With Julio Jones only at 80% or so.  Now I'm not a man of common sense...oh wait, YES I FUCKING AM.  That is a complete mindfuck to think that we couldn't overcome adversity by sticking to what we do best, and instead letting an opponent force us into changing the way we play Alabama football.  We gave our HEISMAN WINNER 11 carries.  Eleven.  You know, the guy who is fully refreshed after missing a couple early games this season.  You know, the guy who will knock you over or make you miss on his way to the end zone.

So they were stopping the Wildcat pretty well, so what?  I noticed McElwain changed to more pistol formation, and we started doing a little better.  Go back to the Wildcat.  Why abandon it completely?  Hell, to add insult to injury, South Carolina lined up in the Wildcat and actually gave the ball to the motion man, something we don't even fucking consider cuz apparently our coaches can't expand their thought process that far.  "Wait, you mean hand the ball off once hiked?  No way!  That's not how we do it around here!" 

As for Greg McElroy...you know I'm a supporter.  I still am.  Let's not forget the kid threw for a career high 315 yards, adding 2 touchdowns with no picks.  But the guy can't shake his perfectionist tendencies.  He'd rather take a sack - or twenty - then throw an incompletion.  That or he's just thinking way too much back there.  The anti-Dan Marino, the process from Greg reading an open receiver and getting him the ball is about as fast as my mom's old Volvo 240 DL.  It's painful, but all the chicken littles need to simmer, because we will NOT be seeing AJ McCarron this year unless we're up by 30.

Remember my pregame post about South Carolina's advantages versus the Tide?

DL - 7 sacks of McElroy.  Ummm check.
WR, specifically Ashlon Jeffrey - 7 rec, 127 yds, 2 TDs.  Ummm check.
Home field advantage and week to prepare.  Checkmate.

There are positives to a loss, and in this instance the Alabama players (and admittedly certain douchebag fans) all now know first-hand that they are not invincible.  We can now stop hearing ESPN louldy licking our balls, and also they can now stop talking about McElroy's last loss in 8th grade.  This is a gut check moment for our team, a time to reflect and ask themselves if they want to win the rest and once again sit atop the SEC, or if they'll fall into a Shula mindset of "well, we tried our best" and start getting into off campus trouble and losing games we should have won, falling into a downward spiral of DJ Hall- and Jimmy Johns-itis.  It really is a fine line for these young impressionable men to walk.  Only time will tell.

Oh, and by the way, NICE FAKE FIELD GOAL, Coach!  Hey, let's catch everybody off guard and throw it to a backup fucking jack linebacker, cuz God knows he has Larry Fitzgerald's hands.   /rant

Week 6 Picks and Thoughts

Ooo!  Something's got a hold of me now!  This tune, my young friends, is by Eddie Money.  Surname apropos, considering I'll be doing my damndest to make some money this weekend.  Why?  Papa's got a new toy on the way, and assuming it looks and runs (hint) the way I want it to, I'll be letting all my readers know who it is and where to find him if you desire a toy of your own.  Alas, she's not here yet, so we must move on to football...and of course women.

Did you know Miami fans have a nickname for Jacory Harris?  Tan Marino.  A funny as hell nickname, yet not very appropriate at this juncture, considering the cherries he throws up for grabs with the loft of a New York highrise.  I was talking to AUJ the other day, and we both agreed he's got a rope that he never uses.  If you want to be a Marino, start slappin' that ball in there, Jacory.

So the other day when I was rubbin' in the tub, Comedy Central played a South Park commercial, of which the funniest part is in this clip.  I laughed for about two minutes straight.  Peter Griffin said she looks like a foot, but a transvestite donkey witch?  Ohhh man, Trey and Matt - you still got it.

I'll let Racer X go off on the Georgia Bulldogs, but I've got to show this AJ Greene clip from Saturday.  There is a reason even I admit he's the best in the country.

Oh, and I'm not sure if you know who the reigning Defensive MVP of the NFL is, but he reminded everybody on Sunday.  And yes, the Pack would have lost to the Lions had he not been born a badass.  For three consecutive years he has pick-6'd the Detroit Lions (NFL record).  Oh, and Happy Birthday to Mr. Charles Woodson this Thursday, while I'm at it.  What other 34 year old can play corner at this level?  Trick question - NOBODY.  Let the media keep yapping about Revis and Asomugha; Woody's got plays to make.

Soooo, how bout those mighty elephants down in Titletown?  Ol' Urban Meyer doesn't seem to like Bryant-Denny all that much.  Hell, it looked like he didn't like coaching period. Shoulda stayed retired, homey.  There's only so much snake oil you can sell before karma catches up to you.  Ask Tommy Tuberville.

Speaking of Ears McGee, did anyone notice Iowa State laying 52 points (i.e. a giant cock) on Tubby's face?  Who...how...that's fucking unHEARD of.  Who knew Chizik's old stomping grounds would start scoring as many as his new club?  I know it's one of two things---magic or "family".

Wait, aren't we missing something?  Ohhh, that's right, the Joker Girl for this week.  Well, considering I picked below .500 for the first time all season, I need a good one.  Actually, how about many good ones, all under one theme?  I mean, it's close enough to Halloween, right?  Might as well see gorgeous women in my favorite costume then, yes no?  It shall be done.

But first, pick rundown please sir:

Joker: 15-10, +19 units
Walter: 13-11-1
Racer X: 11-14, -7 units
Chicago Kid: 10-10, +4.5 units
Blanket: 8-11-2
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***3 Schoolgirls***  SOUTH FLORIDA -8 Syracuse
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***2 Schoolgirls***  Temple +4 NORTHERN ILLINOIS
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***2 Schoolgirls***  Nevada Las Vegas +27.5 WEST VIRGINIA
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***5 Schoolgirls***  Alabama -6.5 SOUTH CAROLINA
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***4 Schoolgirls***  Auburn -7 KENTUCKY
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As you can see, I'm too lazy to explain the picks.  Although I will say, whether it be about the South Carolina game or not, I have a feeling I'll want to talk more about shit later this week.  I know, I know, I say that a lot.  Stay tuned, my friends.  Oh, and if you're on facebook and want updates as I post them, head HERE and like it or friend it or whatever the hell you're supposed to do.  Well...bye.

Week 4 Picks and Thoughts

Remember what I was telling you about Brandon Flowers making a name for himself this year?  Have a look-see at his contribution to my credibility.  Thanks homey, keep doing your thing.  By the way, has anyone anywhere outside of Kansas City told you anything about Brandon?  Didn't think so.  Moving on...

Remember what I was telling you about Greg McElroy being a legitimate passer, and not just a "game manager"?  Take a gander at who leads the NATION in passing efficiency.  So a 72% completion rate, 6 TDs, and 705 yards in 3 games is just letting Mark and Trent do all the work?  Open your eyes, people.  Oh, and you better believe the kid is steaming about that pick he threw against Duke.  Let's hope this Saturday Greg plays Jay Barker to Mallett's Eric Zeier, ya dig?

So let's say I was correct on those two predictions.  However, so far I have missed on two more:

Dont'a Hightower kinda worries me.  Not a lot, but he makes me anxious.  He doesn't look like he's at full speed unless he's straight line blitzing.  I don't want this to come off the wrong way, but it *appears* as if he labors, one might even say "loafs", after ball carriers once they get into the open, hoping a teammate will be the one to do the tackling.  He just looks uncomfortable in pass defense and when pursuing the ball.

Now this can mean a number of things, so we'll argue for and against his being 100% healthy:

Against:  He's holding back, considering the opponents thus far. 
For:  You would think he'd give his all against Penn State, right?

Against:  His knee is not completely healed and/or never will be.
For:  Then why did he say before the season even started that he was already a better player?

Against:  He's waiting to go full bore against Arkansas - the guys who victimized him last year.
For:  He has more pride than that, and is a much better teammate than to sandbag for the sole purpose of revenge

Against:  Even at 75%, he's better than the next fully healthy option
For:  Well...got me there.  This may be true.

So for the time being, we'll just say Dont'a is still getting his feet wet.  He's still my boy, so let's hope he comes correct with not only the start of SEC play for Bama, but also the nemesis who shattered his fucking knee in the first place.  Mallett may not be able to finish the game if DH gets a hold of him.

The one I guess I really whiffed on though - BJ Scott.  Apparently we have another Alonzo Lawrence problem with Scott, meaning they can cover man on man like white on rice - but they see fuzzy stars when a zone play is called, especially in Saban's extensive defensive scheme.  I hate seeing #1 out there as pretty much the third string right cornerback, at the end of games, just trying to do what's being asked of him.  On one hand you could say this speaks volumes of the talent level now playing at the Capstone...but talent isn't the problem here.  At all.  Between the ears is what separates who plays and who sits for Nick Saban.  We're still talking about a redshirt sophomore here, so I'm still holding out hope that my man BJ gets a shot to prove himself.  Keep your head up, kid.  Actually, bury it in the playbook.

Now, can we see Brooklyn Decker in a bikini that's way too small?  A-thank you.

God have mercy, I bet it smells like Christmas in between those things.  It's like that top is laughing at you cuz it gets to hold those bags of joy and you don't.  Its like squeezing them and she doesn't even care.  All day.  Wet.  With like...ice cream or something falling on them later.  Some fabrics have all the luck. 

So what are my thoughts about this past weekend?  Duke sucks and Auburn fans may need to re-up on the blood pressure meds.  While watching the Clemson game with some hardcore Aubies (and admittedly snickering/high-fiving behind their backs at the 17-0 Clemson lead at half), I told one guy "Bro, no worries.  Second half is all Auburn."  And it was.  I didn't think they'd get a gift in overtime, but I don't mind.  Let your friends and family members and neighbors be happy for another week.  And I'll agree with the umpteen facebook posts I saw after the game - "A W is a W, man."  The Gamecocks, however, look to upset those very same people, so watch that game with them next week with extreme caution.  The beers, they will be a-flying.  Cheryl Tweedy, do you think Auburn will win on Saturday?
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So I'm about 2-2 on the above predictions, so how am I doing Picks-wise?  I went 3-2 last week, but to be honest, it disappointed me.  I could have done better.  No use settling for 3-2 or 4-1 when you can be 5-0.  Man, it's like Coach Saban is rubbing off on me.  I'm like a Lexus - the relentless pursuit of perfection.  Like an Oakland Raider, I commit to excel...oy.  Scratch that last one.  At least they have a one man wrecking crew on defense now.  Rolo no likey white guys with my build, apparently.

So let's take a look at the numbers and see where everyone stands:

Joker: 10-5, +20 units
Racer X: 7-8, breaking even
Walter: 7-7-1
Chicago Kid: 5-5, +4 units
The Blanket: 4-6-1

So the real question to ask here is do I keep Beckinsale as my good luck charm, having given me a 7-3 record so far, or go with a newcomer?  I'm pretty sure all the readers are tired of seeing Miss Kate all up in their eyeballs, so I'll risk it and go with a new girl.  Actually two.  Ya see, Racer X's random calling for Lisa Dergen reminded me of the good ol' Playboy days, and she was a favorite of mine along with two others.  Who they be?, you ask in terrible grammar.  They be these bitches:
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Summer Altice, who personifies the face/legs quota I often look for, and...
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Karen McDougal, who has good everything, especially her butt.  Which I won't post here, just google around and you'll see what I'm talking about.  It's basically like whoa...with frosting.

 First thing's first, the computer has a staggering NINETEEN games in favor of one team over another by 6 or more points above the spread.  I had ten original games I picked out, and the computer selected half of those.  Three he's with me, two he's against.  So basically, I'm on my own on this one.  No computers, no easy spreads, no math, no formulas this time around, homeskillet - just pure gut instinct.  All right, dream girls of yesteryear, blow on the dice and help baby get some new shoes:

***5 Summer Karens***  Texas Christian -17.5 SMU - TCU will beat almost anybody out of the Top 25 by three touchdowns.  Let's test that theory right the F now.  Balls out.
LOSS - Cuz of a missed extra point.  Sigh.

***4 Summer Karens***  IOWA -28 Ball State - Iowa has nothing to lose now.  You look around the locker room and you'll just see a bunch of pissed off white boys with a national championship dream all but shattered.  Ball State isn't terrible, but Iowa just wasn't ready for Arizona and they'll be looking to pound the Cardinals on O and keep them out of the end zone on D.  I'm thinking 38-0.
WIN - Off by a touchdown...but in a good way this time, just with my prediction.

***3 Summer Karens*** Alabama -7 ARKANSAS - Recent history has proven that Fayetteville is a tough place for the Crimson Tide to win.  2000, 2004, and 2006 were all losses for Bama in Arky town.  This time around though, my boys are on a ridiculous winning streak and are on fire on offense.  The common person is only thinking Ryan Mallett's pro arm versus Bama's young secondary.  There is ohhhh so much more to football than a tall guy who can throw it well.  The Razorbacks may have good numbers for their defense, but let's remember who they've played - Tennessee Tech, La-Monroe, and the 1-2, Aaron Murray-led Georgia Bulldogs.  Nooot exactly the cream of the crop.  But to be fair, they are 3-0 and Mallett is #1 in the nation in passing yards, so there's some legitimacy to the common man's way of thinking.  Here's my way of thinking---Saban hasn't dialed up dick for pressure yet and it will come this Saturday, I'm hoping Hightower is on a mission to break every Hawg leg he can see, Marcel Dareus and Mark Ingram finally have a full game under their belt, and our offense is even better than last year's, when we beat them mercilessly to the tune of 35-7.  Bama's ball control and defensive schemes should wear down Arkansas over the second half, producing more than a 7 point cushion.  And that's not even accounting for Petrino fucking something up somehow.
LOSS - I'd rather lose here than Bama lose in real life.  Let's just say I hurt my back...by screaming?!

***3 Summer Karens***  Southern Cal -21.5  WAZU - Kiffin is an asshole.  He still has tons of talent.  The Cougars don't.  This one, even as depleted as the Trojans may seem, will be a landslide.
WIN - Two and two, now just have to wait for the late games to know if the win streak is intact.

***2 Summer Karens***  UNLV -10 New Mexico - I'm picking against the Wolves until they bite back.  For the record, Total D/Pass D/Rush D is still at a staggering 120/114/113 rank.  Yeouch.  How do you even root for a team that bad?
WIN - Sweet.  Keep in mind New Mexico will blow ass until Mike Leach signs or declines.

That's all for now.  This is where I tell you I may or may not post again on the Bama game.  Will I actually write something this time?  I don't fucking know, dude.  I just gave you three hot women, can you just enjoy that for now?  Spoiled ass readers.
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Week 2 Thoughts

 

I think I need to purge the pictures I've accumulated again.  Just got a new computer cuz my dogs saw a cat in the backyard.  Does that make sense?  Well hell no - let me 'splain, Lucy.  Ya see, they were freakin' out that some ol' bitch ass cat was struttin' its stuff on their territory, so there was a lot of growling/moaning/posturing at the window.  So I got up real quick to open the back door (becuz, well, fuck cats), knowing they would follow me and shoot out the door...and I come back to the back of my computer ripped off and cords splayed out everywhere.  And since I took part in this annihilation, I couldn't get mad at them.  Speaking of annihilation, press play:

So anywho, thanks to my mutts, you fine gentlemen and ladies get to see random weird ass animated pictures while I talk about Week 2. That first young lady is Abigail Aston.  She's a fitness model I believe.  Let's get her legs up in this B before I throw the other stuff at ya...
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Okay so I had to watch ESPNU this morning just to remember what the hell happened in the CFB world yesterday, considering my day was filled with crimson, bourbon, JoePa, non-phone-answering friends, non-ride-home-needing friends, broken-down limos, infidelity, cat fights, gossip, girl talk, teenager talk, and a ring pop.

What did I learn?  Ohio State is trying to come original this year and be legit.  They do, however, have tougher mountains to climb - all in the Big Ten.  Who'da thunk the Big Ten would start manning up finally?  Some of you know I'm a casual Michigan fan, so it's nice to see Denard Robinson setting records left and right - especially considering I told my good buddy AUJclayton all about him as I used him on my dynasty team in NCAA10.  I still prefer his nickname Shoelace, though.  Point is, now that UM is starting to roll a bit, pile on Wiscy and Iowa and OSU better have some luck on their side.

And then there's Virginia Tech...

 

Seriously, I'm not going to waste my time talking about the Hokies.  I know they were downtrodden and all, but you still have to lace 'em up and come to play.  WEAK SAUCE.  They better not sleep on Dominique Davis and the ECU Pirates next week, either.

Oklahoma backed my preseason play by putting a foot up the Seminoles' asses.  Texas still looked a little shaky against Wyoming, but by time they meet each other, I'm sure it'll be epic.  Go Sooners.  Now let's see some boobies.
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So it looks like Florida still has some work to do to be as dominant as usual.  7-7 tie at half with USF?  Breaking in a new quarterback is never easy.  Jeff Demps 11 for 139 and a touch has to be reassuring for the new signal caller though, especially since Brantley's first road start will be in Knoxville next weekend.  Yes, Tennessee sucks, but they can probably still rattle Johnny a bit.  I will admit it's quite satisfying to see the Gators "struggle".

Hey Whitney, your thoughts on Virginia Tech?

As for Bama - what I can remember - we looked pretty damn diverse out there.  GMac was making some good throws.  My buddy kept yelling how bad he sucks, and to bring in AJ McCarron.  Then he added the whole "throw it to Julio" line that every other fan yells.  Good God people, try watching football for once.  The only reason I didn't argue with him is because all day I had seen women in dresses and skirts...and you know what that does to a pervert like me.  In other words, my brain kept doing this:
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On the D side we have yet to fully gel, but once we do, it'll be fun to see.  It looks like Mark Barron is starting to play centerfield like we all expected, and that's great news while the corners still shake off the green.  Our pass rush missed Dareus and Upshaw, so it looked like Dont'a had to take the lead on most everything out there.  Which is fine, I just wish we had all our weapons so we could free Hightower up to go kill someone.  Or twenty.

Penn State, as Walter alluded to, is perceived nationally as still a great, hard-nosed football team - based on last season.  They're a little different this season.  I think after a few weeks the Lions fans will ultimately know if their freshman QB will lead them back to prominence or not.  But it won't be this year - few more bumps and bruises along the way for Happy Valley.  By the way, didn't PSU have some kind of 100-yard rusher streak snapped by T-Rich?  Just thought I'd throw that one in there.  For the record, it was cool seeing Paterno pace the sideline.  DIdn't see Bobby Bowden at halftime though...that's drink-making time, everyone knows that.  And for uh...

I hope the CFB world realizes that the Heisman winner and one of, if not the best DE in the SEC/nation have not played a down yet, and we've scored 72 points and given up 6.  I don't foresee Ingram playing against Duke unless he's 100% healthy, but Marcell Dareus will be foaming at the mouth to get on the field.  I don't think the Blue Devils will be a pushover like SJSU, but it'll be a good tuneup for Arkansas.

Shout out to the two Mountain Brook kids I entertained/annoyed in Bryant-Denny.  Remember, alcohol is bad, eat your vegetables, and yes - she is hot, isn't she?  Maybe I'll see you boys down the line.

P.S. - Through two weeks: 7-3, up 16 units.  This boy's on a roll.

Week 1 Thoughts

99% of my readers - hell maybe a full 100% - have no idea who this woman is.  Well compadres, you should start watching Turner Classic Movies more often.  Do what I do, just flip it to ol' channel 51 when you get in bed, snuggle up with your dogs or your lady friend (or guy friend - to each his own, Racer X), and just watch what you can before you fall asleep.  There is no annoying pop music that blares during any transitions, and if there is any background music during scenes, it's old school and low key.  What's that mean?  It means you can see REAL people holding REAL conversations and showing genuine acting skills.  The women are hot and the men are pimps...you really should try it.

So after that sales pitch for TCM, this is a pic of Natalie Wood.  Great looking woman.  The tendency is to think of how they look now, i.e. old or dead, but if you can get past that and realize that all the beautiful women out there today were conceived by some of these "old" gals, then maybe you'd have a better appreciation for them.  After all, good looking is good looking in my book.  Try to find a movie with her and Robert Redford - they have a good chemistry together.

But the one chick who started all this, the one chick who actually made me stop flipping channels and watch the movie in its entirety was Lana Turner.  There was a scene where she opened the door and she looked so hot I was hooked.  Here's part of that movie; and you'll soon see, like I said earlier, the guys are p-i-m-p-s.  Let's stop all this bush league nonsense; you don't want me to take you home and you know it.

So anyway, let's talk some football.  How about that Crimson Tide?  How about them War Eagle Tigers?  How about them Ole Miss Reb....oy!  You serious, Clark?  Jax State beat you?  WITH Masoli?  Can the Mississippi idiots kindly shut up now that your bush league (a-thank you, Robert Taylor) move to get your savior failed MASSIVELY?!  You slithered through all the little loopholes, playing a sort of college free agency game, and you got rewarded with karma's nasty backhand to your face.  Now go back to whittling on your porch, with your broke ass #50-ranked-in-all-the-bad-things-about-states state.  Let the rest of us play football and make money and actually contribute to the economy.

How terrible was Florida?  It felt like they were fumbling a lot, botching snaps, etc.  Then I saw the ESPN ticker - 8 fumbles, 3 lost.  Holy shit.  How do you fumble 8 times?  Mark Ingram fumbled what, twice all of last YEAR, and only lost one.  I hope Urban Meyer can't sleep.  I hope this is like nails in his skin.  Did you, fine people of the JR audience, see his piece on Gameday?  What a fucking joke.  Nobody believes your crooked ass.  And the capper - he said the reason he came back was because he didn't want all the guys on staff to be let go.  Ohhhh you're such a savior, such a good man.  Didn't Jay Leno say the exact same thing while trying to backpedal and pry the knife from Conan's back?  Uh huh.  You've got three games to get your shit straight before coming back to Bryant-Denny.  I'll bring you some hot pockets and a coloring book, cuz you'll be up all night that Saturday, too.

As for Auburn, I only saw the Cam Newton highlights.  Kid looks good.  Your offense still won't be your problem, though.  Allowing 26 points to Arkansas State?  Last year, these teams allowed less to the Red Wolves than Auburn did yesterday: Nebraska, Iowa, Louisiana-Monroe, Louisville, Louisiana-Lafayette, Florida Atlantic, Middle Tennessee, and Western Kentucky.  Just sayin.  You didn't even force any turnovers??  Now I'm no chicken little, but you better man up against Mississippi State.  This ain't Croom anymore - Dan Mullen knows how to score.  And for God's sake, stop doing this:

And what is that on his side, Drinky Crow?  That guy is all sorts of messed up.  Anywho, the Starkville game should be a good one.

Alabama looked good.  One can tell that the defense has a new look, and it's just...different than last year.  Hightower looked good, true freshman Mosley looked good, and even Robert Lester looked good.  But Mark Barron wasn't his usual self.  Everyone is allowed their off days, I suppose.

As for the offense:

It's nice to know Julio feels healthy again.  And even McElroy was slinging it occasionally like I reeeeally want him to do.  But the star was of course, Eddie Lacy.  Sure he fumbled into the endzone and everybody in the house let out a collective "ahhh awwww what the fuck man" (kinda like when you see this), but he made up for it with 111 yards and 2 scores on just 13 carries.  It's pretty cool knowing your third string back is a big badass that has to wait because of the other badasses.  How's that song go, deeeepth is a many splendored thiiiing.

Other than Ole Miss losing to Huntsville Middle School, no real surprises other than LSU struggling to put away North Carolina.  The cajuns simply can not be okay with Les Miles running his ridiculously talented ship into the storm seemingly every week since last season.  Maybe a mutiny is in the works.

All right, that's all for me today.  Stay tuned for the inevitable Boise/VaTech talk.  But for now, time for me to finish watching The Runaways.  Kristen Stewart is reminding me that Joan Jett was a hot, bad bitch.