2010 Week 1 Pick 'Em

TELL ME, seriously, tell me that doesn't look exactly like that one girl at the beach that one time you went with that one friend of yours that one year growing up?   No I'm not rehashing an eerily similar post from two weeks ago, so just roll with me for a sec.  I mean, don't you remember?  That girl was bangin', dude.  But maybe it's a distant middle school memory, so the details are a little fuzzy...or maybe it was as a teenager and you had about eight...teen drinks before casting your eyes on her, but in reality, we all know she looked a little more like this.  I swear, Evan Williams is a son of a bitch.  Curse you, deliciously sweet and cheap nectar of the gods.

Man, I hope this month's paycheck can cover all these knuckle children.

So riddle me this, young fellas - what does this girl and every ex-girlfriend you've ever had have in common?  They look even hotter a couple years later.  I give you Ashley Ann Vickers again, the bombshell who started the year off right this season a few posts ago.  Turns out this chick started out in WWE, which is surprising in itself, and also surprising Racer X hasn't already informed us of said fact, being that he is clearly into wrestling with stupid "Miz" pictures in his article.  No offense, bro - hey, it looks good on you, though!  Anywho, this is how she looked back then, bka "Ashley Valence".  Funny how women's eternal quest for beauty can either yield sickdiculously wonderful results like Ashley here...orrrr it can go awry with the quickness.  Yeesh.  Maybe some of y'all like Heidi now that she has size triple-something-after-the-letter-D boobs, but she's messed up on the outside and the inside.  Godspeed, Spencer.  Scratch that - kill yourself, Spencer.

Can I talk about the near-perfect girl a little more?  First off, she's wearing a bikini that fits correctly (in guy world, at least), and it's my favorite color of cobalt blue.  Secondly, she reminds me of one of my favorite porn...um...adult movie actresses, Lanny Barbie.  Helloooo nurse.
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Thirdly, the two of them happen to have great legs.  Nuh uh!  Yeauh huh!  I assume the WWE helped Ashley in that regard, considering Racer X's poster girl is the, well, poster girl for legs, and she got her start in wrestling, as well.  How about further proof, Jokey?  Iiiight.
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Jesus.  Those things are like 8 feet long.  Like me right now.  Hiyooooo!!!  One more for good measure:
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Can you imagine the amount of work it takes her to keep those looking so nice?  How good they smell.  How shiny and resilient they are.  I bet they're so soft, it makes the Snuggle bear cry at night.  Hell, that champagne bottle wasn't even open, NAWMEAN?! 

Okay, so basing it on the above, I've given you enough reasons to trust my judgment, yes no?  Eggggcellent.  Now follow me to the place I call "weekly pick 'em"...you're sure to love it just as much.
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It took a while, boys, but game week is finally here.  Looking over the choices for this week, the one thing that stands out to me is how VERY little I know and/or remember about so many teams since last year.  Luckily, even Vegas doesn't know everything until a few weeks in, so there are some gems in there if you look hard enough. 

Hey, speaking of not knowing shit...if you DO want to start learning more about college players, try a fantasy league.  Once you're sitting in last place, you'll start paying more attention to Scott Van Pelt late at night, and less attention to Skinemax.  And whadya know, my cousin has a league for anyone to join for free.  Come on down...I'd get in there before the Thursday game if I were you, just in case.  Group is Fantasy Land, password is password.  Click here.  Good luck, bitches, you'll need it.  Hey, you know what I always say.  Haters gonna hate?  No:
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Let's test my luck this week:

***4 Vickers***  FLORIDA -36 Miami-Ohio I'm not buying a point to bring it down to 35.  Why?  Cuz Urban Meyer is a dick and will run up the score like he always does.  You honestly think he'll stop at 39-3?  Psh.  It'll be that at halftime.  Again, I do like this Brantley kid though---oozes confidence in a likable way, kinda like the 90s Steve Spurrier---so I'm rooting for him until I feel like Florida needs to lose.  I'm also rooting for Janoris Jenkins to bust out this year, considering I'm on record (as of last year) saying how good he is.  Don't you fuck me, JJ!  Don't you fuck me!
LOSS - I bet Urban is shitting the bed right now.  At least Jenkins defended my honor with two picks, one brought to the house.

***3 Vickers***  TEXAS -29.5 Rice I put Texas as the home team, even though this game is being played in Reliant Stadium in Houston.  If you follow me at all, you know I love to bet a big line in the early weeks.  Coaches are "told" point differential doesn't matter when it all comes down to it, but it's a psychological thing.  Not to mention, your argument isn't going to hold much water if you're constantly defending a team who squeaks by opponents every week versus a guy who's defending a team that lays wood every Saturday.  Also, let's not forget how good the Texas defense will be, and all the weapons on offense blah blah blah.  Longhorns win big.
LOSS - I really should have thought about this one more, knowing Texas was out to prove a point that they are a running football team.  46 rush attempts later, I realize my mistake.

***3 Vickers***  OKLAHOMA STATE -15.5 Washington State  3 reasons - Wazu's '09 defense can't possibly change this big shipment of fail in one summer:  115th pass D, 117th rush D, 120th in total D.  Yikers island, that's here-dad-try-to-play-ncaa10-while-i-go-pee bad.
WIN - Good ol' Wazu coming through.

***5 Vickers***  ALABAMA -39.5 San Jose State  I'm doing this to prove a point and stand firm in my belief that our offense is sickdiculous.  And on defense, even though I hear DeQuan Menzie will be starting RCB over BJ Scott (grumble...mumble), I'm also hearing it may be because BJ was seen walking around in a boot, so let's hope that's not a big issue.  If it is, I'll be slightly pissed.  Anywho - new coach, new scheme, up to seven guys playing on both sides of the ball, California kids in hot/humid Alabama weather, California kids playing for 100,000 rabid, drunk rednecks...it's just a lose-lose situation for the poor Spartans.
WIN - I didn't change this even when Ingram was unavailable.  Why?  Trent and Eddie.  Done told y'all.

***2 Vickers***  Oregon State +12.5 TCU  My lone underdog; even though I see TCU winning this game, I don't see them dominating Jacquizz and James Rodgers by almost two touchdowns.  Coach Riley is a hell of a coach (as is Patterson), so this will be...forgive me...closer than the experts think.  Sigh.  Quoting Lee Corso is about as cool as the other side of the pillow.  Doh!  Quoting Stuart Scott may be worse.
WIN - Too drunk to watch this, but who cares, I won more than I lost woot woot.

That's all I've got for now.  I'm sure guest spots and random "giddy with excitement" articles from me will preface the first Saturday of the season.  Ohhh man.  Can't wait.  Run and tell that, homeboy.

Comments

[Jack]

1.

LOL @ the "here-dad-try-to-play-ncaa10-while-i-go-pee bad" comment. looking forward to reading your posts this season. peace!

[AUoptimo]

2.

Yikes! No good news for UA. Ingram and Dareus out and the season hasn't even started. who is your 3rd string RB? sounds like he might have a bigger role than anticipated...

[Joker]

3.

Thanks for reading, Jack! Now tell all your hot chick friends to follow suit, and we'll be all good.

[writer jobs]

4.

If you don't have sense of humour, don't read this article! It is so sarcastic! I really enjoyed it