Great Xpectations - Racer X

(from guest writer Racer X)

Did you miss me, JR readers?  I know you did.  Especially you, my old buddy, my old pal, AUGayton.  You ready to kick this shit off again?  Ready to bring the pain? Ready to tell us all how good Can't Newton is? How Dyer is Mark Ingram crossed with Trent Richardson?  How Chizik is going to lead Auburn back to the Promised Land? In honor of my return, this is where Joker splashes you with a smoking hot picture of Stacy Keibler. 
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Why Stacy?  Because she's FUGGIN' HOT.  That's why.  She hasn't been around much (like me), but you shouldn't forget about her (like me), because we're both freakin' awesome. Look. Admire. Be amazed. Wipe the drool.  Just like my opinions and insights and picks, she's awesome.  Just like The Miz, I'm  awesome.

 
To the JR readers who love my shit (read: all of you), I have talked to Joker and I'm going to try to help him out and contribute a little more this year.  I'll still feud with AUJClaytonightiwhackittoChizisms, but I'll try to give you all something to read.  Anything to help Joker get his page views up.  So, kick back and make sure this page is in your Favorites. Feel free to disagree, comment, respond, worship.  It's America, god damn it. You're free to do what you want. 
 
I humbly challenge you, Happy GilmAUmygod, to another season of picks. Are you up to the challenge?  Same rules as last year. Five picks per week, against the spread, picks due by Thursday.  Let me know if you're (wo)man enough.  If not, I'll still make picks. I'll just have to smoke Joker and Walter's arses.   
 
I'm ready. College football kicks off in FIVE MOTHER FREAKIN' DAYS. I'm going to try to give Joker another article with my thoughts on Auburn and Alabama before next weekend and I'll follow up with my  picks, but for now, I've got something brand new for that ass.  So, hide ya kids, hide ya wife.  Without any further ado or fan fare, let's start this baby off with some Racer Xpectations.  Bookmark this post. You'll want to come back to it later. Just be sure to bring me your finest meats and cheeses when you do. 
 
Xpectation 1:  Georgia ain't turning it around.  Mark Richt is soft.  Georgia is soft. They have played soft and lead the league in penalties.  Why? Because they are soft and their coach loves God more than winning football games.  Well, guess what, Richt. God apparently loves Nick Saban more.  Or maybe he's just afraid of him? 
 
Xpectation 2:  Can't Newton will put up big numbers, but it won't matter.  Chizik isn't big time. Auburn isn't big time. They won't win the games that matter.  Sadly, Auburn may actually have a good season.  I can see them winning as many as 10 games. They won't win the one that matters, though. You are hearing it hear first. Bama will beat Auburn by at least 20. 
 
Xpectation 3:  Texas is going to be good and play for the national title again.  Much like Florida and Tebow, I think Texas because much more difficult to defend. Florida and Texas relied so much on their QBs, that they probably became too predictable.  Gilbert proved he is legit.  I think Saban showed Mack that Texas was soft.  They are going to be more physical this year and I think it will pay off.  I think their D will be good, too. Muschamp knows what he's doing.  The Bama game was a wake up call.  Texas.  Watch out.  All they gotta do is beat OU.  They will.  Let me just say this, too.  I hate Mack Brown.  I really do. He's whiny and annoying and seriously, he only has one national title? Really?  My left nut would have won at least two with all of the resources Texas has.  Thanks for letting me get that off my chest. 
 
Xpectation 4:  Nebraska:  I don't get it.  What am I missing here?  They don't have anyone that scares me. Pelini just looks dumb and slow.  The Big 12-2 is soft and sucks and Nebraska will easily win the North, but don't mistake this for a powerhouse team. 
 
Xpectation 5:  Bama will be really, really good.  Nobody is worried about the offense.  They shouldn't be.  Four guys on that side have Heisman capabilities (Ingram, Julio, Trent and McElroy).  Greg isn't the best QB, but he's a winner and he's going to put up good numbers. You can knock that thought, but it's still true and when Ingram and Trent are going to co-dominate, somebody has to get the credit for the O's success.  Even Jay Barker was a Heisman candidate.  Anyway, anyone worried about the D needs to go check who the head coach is and what position he coaches. Are you really worried about the secondary?  Saban is like Bobby Flay and he just got handed a back full of top shelf ingredients (3 five stars, Mark Barron, a former LSU starter, and a bunch of 4 stars to top it off).  Don't worry about the secondary. 
 
Xpectation 6:  Julio Jones is going to New York for the Heisman ceremony.  He's big.  He's bad. He's going to stay healthy. Then he's going to the NFL.
 
Xpectation 7:  Terrell Pryor will not carry over his Rose Bowl success.  The kid is simply not accurate.  No, it won't get better. It never got better for Vick, did it?  Plus, all the talking heads tell me the Big 10 is really good this year, which means Pryor is going to go up against some tougher D's than that pansy-ass unit Chip Kelly rolled out. 
 
Xpectation 8:  John Brantley is going to be really good.  Urban will open up the playbook and stop relying on Jesus and Brantley will be the beneficiary. Spreading the ball around will make Florida much more difficult to defend. They are going to score a lot of points and Brantley is going to have big time numbers.
 
Xpectation 9:  Joker Report is going to be awesome this year.  Readership will be at an all time high (read:  11 readers this year). 
 
Xpectation 10:  Even though he is gone, we are still going to have to hear about Tim Tebow for a whole cotton picking year.  If I remember, I may count how many times they talk about him on the first CBS game, which I don't even think is going to be a football game.  Hey Timmy, McElroy and the boys want to know how their ass tastes. 
 
There you have it, kids.  I hope this is the first of many.  If you don't agree, let me hear it.  Especially you, AUJClaytonlookslikethekidfromLifeGoesOn. 
 
-The Legendary Racer X
 

Comments

[AUoptimo]

1.

Some good assessments of the upcoming season. I agree with almost all of your descriptions and your spot on with #1,4,5,7-10.
#2: I also predicted a 10-win ceiling for AU as well but they'll win some big games (at least 2 out of LSU, Ark, UGA, and UA). You hope Chizik isn't "big time" but feel threatened because your seeing the potential. (No coach goes big overnight and this year will prove his direction). AND you're sure to get AUJC worked up with the childish anti-Auburn rhetoric!
#3: Texas will be very good (as usual) but they won't make the NC game for the reason you stated (Brown underachieving).
#6: J. Jones won't be in NY but Ingram will be (my reasoning: Jones will be facing a great CB in every big game and the offense will be forced to go elsewhere, defenses don't get a break when Ingram leaves the field and TR might be sitting next to Ingram in NY).

I could look at that Tebow picture everyday. I never thought it would suck so bad to be a Broncos fan.

[online job]

2.

The girl on top has a lovely body. Can't wait to get my hands on her.