The Joker Report

2011 - Joker's Week 14 Pick 'Em

So let's just say, when I was 17, I was an asshole.  Just "hypothetically".  Let's also say I had a fast truck and used to leave tread on whatever streets I felt like.  Well currently, after a year of owning a very similar truck, I finally decided to break the tires loose on a corner in my neighborhood - for just a second.  New z-rated grippy tires + brand new asphalt = very loud screeching sounds.  Immediately I get the stink eye from a guy working on my street, and immediately it made me feel 17 again - cuz I want to stop writing this, go back out there, line up next to his truck, and light em up for an 1/8 mile while I make shadow puppets in the shape of a giant bird.  Considering my tires cost a lot, and my neighbors don't hate me (yet), I'll continue writing this instead.  That little dickbag who thinks I'm a dickbag has no idea that I'm the king of all dickbags.  Cool story!  Thanks bro!

MUSIC - So a while back, my brother-in-law is sipping on his Beam and Coke, and we're talking about rap for some reason.  He looks at me and says "you know, I don't think I can even name a Tupac song."  Now typically, my response would be to get up and run around his yard with my arms flailing in the air, asking the gods why they do this to me.  But I kept my cool and said "Dude...he's the best there ever was or will be.  You really need to give him a chance."   So, since I know he hasn't even tried, I'll do it for him.  This has got to be his most passionate song, regardless of whether or not it turned out to be a bad thing for him.  And I honestly don't think any song intro can top that's why I fucked your bitch, you fat motherfucker.  So listen up, bro, especially near the end when he goes off.  Get goosebumps every time.

SKYRIM - Like I said in my last installment of Skyrim - The Life and Times of Joker's Pathetic Social Life, I was starting the game over with a new character so I could help my buddy AUJclayton roll through the punches of getting used to this goliath of a game.  Turns out El Matteo has started over, too, so we made completely different characters and are maybe at level 10 tops right now.  For those of you out there that are playing this with us, do the quest I personally call the Toomer's Corner quest.  In Whiterun, in the courtyard, talk to some chick sitting on the bench.  She'll tell you about the dying tree and how to go about bringing it back to life.  One of the places you'll end up is one of the prettiest in the game graphics/color wise, and once you finish, the dead tree in the courtyard will suddenly come back to life the next time you visit town.  Pretty cool ish. 

This is my first character, who's apparently on hold for a while even though he's damn near untouchable and could rape and pillage entire cities by himself.  If you get to 100 smithing, and you kept all the bones and scales of the dragons' collectively kicked asses, you can make your own armor.  It's enchanted as well, which means you have about a zero percent chance of killing me.  Bring it.  Oh, and of course, that's a jester who now tags along and fights with me...and you wonder why I like this game?

PIMP.

MELTDOWN TIME - Notice some of the Aubies aren't funny like other fanbases; they immediately hit up their go-to cache of cheating/scandalous big brother insults instead of facing logic and the actual, REAL gameplay that their ears and eyes saw for themselves.  Sad, really.  That's GOT to get old, no?

FUNNY - If you know me, you know I'm picky about the things I like, and I'm very vocal if these certain few folks make my list.  As for comedians, the list goes something like this - Chevy Chase, Damon Wayans, Martin Lawrence.  Sure the Jim Carreys and Will Ferrells of the world are funny, and we all know that.  But people hate on Chevy (and tend to forget him cuz his peak was in the 80s), and they also tend to forget Damon and Martin, who may or may not have peaked in the 90s.  Point is, Runteldat can put me into laughing fits, especially the part when he's in the hospital.  Have a listen, and if you don't laugh, I don't want to be friends anymore.

And I caught some of See No Evil Hear No Evil the other day, and I challenge anyone to find a better comedy duo than Richard Pryor and Gene Wilder.  The wit together and the love they show for each other is evident...and before I start singing Ebony and Ivory on your ass, just watch...

If that doesn't get my Dad laughing, I don't know what will.

PICKS - Again, as a precaution, I don't have to tell you any lawyerspeak anymore - you should just know not to touch my picks this year.  That's probably why Sebastian hasn't posted yet...he's waiting to see mine first and then make adjustments.  Can't blame him.  Joker and 2011 picks go together about as well as white dresses and ketchup popsicles.  The rundown please, which I have somehow managed to avoid calculating until now:

Blanket: 35-28-2, +20 units (2cm, 3 units)
Chicago Kid: 34-25-1, +25.5 units (4cm, 11 units)
Sebastian: 35-29-1, +25 units (4cm, 17 units)
Walter: 32-31-2, -10 units (2cm, 5 units)
Joker: 28-35-2, -37 units (5cm, 18 units)
AUdacious: 16-9, +19 units

Sebastian and I were the big winners - going 3-2.  Yikes, not a good week for the group, and the CK didn't even find it in his heart to choose anyone.  He just threw whole turkeys in his mouth and gave us the finger.  Youth and their tireless quest for disrespect, I swear.

Question - why isn't Sandusky fondling this?

Speaking of gymnasts...

And one more random chick pic for good measure...

***3  Northern Illinois -3.5 OHIO
****4  OREGON -31 Ucla
**2  Wyoming -5.5 COLORADO STATE
****4  BOISE STATE -48.5 New Mexico
*****5  LSU -13.5 GEORGIA

Easiest week of the year!  Going 5-0 to close just like I did last season!  Well, probably not, but my hope and faith still abides, dude!

In closing, the Bowl season is a ways off...but not that far off.  We have 8 people in the league so far, so we're only 111 short.  GET your ASSES in there.  ESPN College Bowl Mania - no password this year, so get all your buddies to join up and we'll have some, like, mega fantastic war between all the genius armchair quarterback minds out there.  And you know the prize - whoever wins, as long as they talk about college football somewhere in there, can write an article for this site.  In other words, say some (already annoying) Ohio State fan wins; he can spout off about Urban Meyer snapping his fingers and getting 5-star recruits to commit on the spot, and how the Buckeyes will be resurrected into a Top 3 program again, and blah blah yada yada - or he can just go off about his whore ex-girlfriend.  If that's you, all you gotta do is beat me - and whoever else signs up - at picking the winner of 35 games.  Is it in you?  Find out, ya bunch of nancies.  Click here, sign up.  Sebastian, the floor is yours.

2011 - Joker's Week 13 Pick 'Em

What?  I know the game is in Auburn, but it's a pretty picture.  Get off my nuts.

I'm just gonna jam all my thoughts into this article like I've been doing lately.  I could give you a three article breakdown on UA vs AU and all that jazz, but half of that shit gets thrown out the window at the opening whistle.

First thing first - everybody point and laugh at the guy who points and laughs.  Jokey Wokey went 0-5.  I am absolutely lousy, and I fully condone the one comment earlier in the year calling me a hack.  Every single time I post my picks my quiet confidence is saying boom, roasted.  5-0, they'll fucking rue the day they ever...and then my mind trails off to porn, and on Sunday I realize I'm 1-4 again.  Point is, I'm more off than on, so seriously - AVOID MY PICKS.  I can't stress that enough.  I'm like the Anti-Blanket.  I know a lot of this is luck, but that guy needs some major kudos - he's fucking 14 for his last 15.  That deserves applause, yo.

SKYRIM - I'm sick today, so I could be balling out on Skyrim...if I hadn't already completed the main quest already.  There are tons of other side quests to keep me occupied, and I really need to learn the extensive skill trees and advantages, so I'll probably be doing that while avoiding the family over the holidays.  Plus I'm such a good friend, I'll just start over with a new character whenever AUJclayton decides to sack up and buy it.  Remember that guy?  I bet Racer X does.

 

^^^NERD ALERT - By the way, I'm a Dark Elf who's practically invisible and a helluva shot.  Is that an arrow in his head?  Yes, yes it is.  Don't fuck with me.

MELTDOWN TIME - I think I'd enjoy kickin' it with Texas fans.

MUSIC - I looked everywhere for a good Iron Bowl hype video, no dice.  Thought I'd post some past Rammer Jammers or Yea Alabamas, but I came to the conclusion that Outkast trumps all - and this song sounds really good in my truck.  That, and the coincidence that Auburn and Outkast both hail from Georgia...

FUNNY SHIT - Just random videos, so watch and enjoy.

 

WOMEN - Who cares, mirite?!

I'm kidding.  Sort of.  Here, have a picture of Chrissy Tiegen, whoever that is.

Look at the curvy line of her body - her left, our right.  That's faptastic shit.  Imagine you sitting in a beach chair, and she's just coming towards you innocently doing that.  I'd find a diamond ring asap, iyam.  Just kidding, fuck marriage.  Odds of marriage working these days are LITERALLY the odds of my winning picks each week.  

Now let's throw up the picture I stared at unknowingly for about 2 minutes...

I mean, you don't even need to see the face.  It's "unpossible" for her not to be hot. 

Ok, let's get this show on the road.  I'll do picks, then talk about the Iron Bowl.

Today's muse?  Well, let's throw out a few pics of some Italian model Sebastian thought I'd like - and he was right.  Remember how I said he was pretty good at that?  Yeah well - have some leggy Catrinel Menghia:

Just like sock girl, her face doesn't even matter.  And you're probably thinking well that wasn't very nice, Joker.  The fuck it wasn't!  I'm saying she could look like the ORIGINAL Mask and I'd be all set.  I'd have to load up on breatheable fabric to put over her giant head, but I'd still be cool with it.  I wouldn't take her anywhere or tell her she's beautiful though, so it probably wouldn't work out.  You know how needy they can get...

Okay, enough with the misogyny, give us the lowdown with a NEW leader:

Blanket: 34-24-2, +30 units (2cm, 3 units)
Chicago Kid: 34-25-1, +25.5 units (4cm, 11 units)
Sebastian: 32-27-1, +21 units (3cm, 13 units)
Walter: 31-27-2, 0 units (2cm, 5 units)
Joker: 25-33-2, -40 units (5cm, 18 units)  (yeouch! says the clucky chicken - shout out to Boxman)
2AUdacious: 16-9, +19 units

AGAIN, do NOT look twice at my picks!  Blindly throwing darts at teams would yield better results.  I'm just drinking some Boonesfarm in the caboose of this challenge train; don't nobody worry 'bout me.

LOSS - 1*  Akron +28.5 WESTERN MICHIGAN
WIN - 3***  LSU -12 Arkansas
WIN - 2**  Michigan State -6.5 NORTHWESTERN
LOSS - 4****  Tennessee -7 KENTUCKY
WIN - 3***  USC -14 ucla

For the record, I would have picked Miami-OH in tonight's game.  Let's see how that pans out, just for laughs.  They're in the lead 7-0 as I'm typing this, so let's see how much power my bad luck has in turning the tide in Ohio's favor.

IRON BOWL

Auburn - Emory Blake scores, one of their shitty DBs gets a pick six because AJ McCarron is long overdue, and maybe a field goal as a token of generosity to my Tiger family and friends.

Alabama - Trent gets 137 and 2 TDs, Lacy spells him for 71 yards, and Maze returns a punt for a touch.  On defense, I can see us recovering a fumble leading to - you heard it here first - one of two made field goals.

Bama wins 27-17.  Should it be 40-0?  Yes, but Coach Saban is a crotchety old man who refuses to acknowledge that other teams can stop us.  Our offense is predictable and stagnant at times, silly and head-scratchingly bad at other times.  STOP throwing stupid incompletions on first down WASTING a play, completely SCRAP the ridiculous delayed draw to Trent, STOP running plays to the short side of the field, START running stretch plays behind DJ Fluker, START throwing to our tight ends more often, and for god's sake, STOP handcuffing AJ to dump passes to Trent.  Wanna know why AJ can't hit the guy downfield?  Because he gets all of three opportunities to practice it in game-time situations.  Do you not think Auburn will have at LEAST 6 of their D's 22 eyes on #3 the entire football game?  Allow Maze, Hanks, White, and Norwood to get open and utilize their abilities!  We play scared and conservative on offense when Richardson isn't moving the chains, and it's not because of lack of talent - it's because Coach Stubborn likes it that way.

/rant.  Happy Holidays.

2011 - Joker's Week 12 Pick 'Em

Y'all know why I'm a tad late putting out an article - don't pretend not to know.  I almost forgot I had a blog to write.  Yes, in this unusually warm month of November, I'm fully hooked into the world of Skyrim.  I am completely fine with dorking out to this game, and if you ask around, I bet others you didn't think were "gamers" are completely immersed in this game as well.  You could say we're All In, if you will.

You probably don't care about the following shit I'm about to spew, but you should know by now, I don't give a shit if you don't give a shit.  If this bothers you, well...

SKYRIM - So it's 11:45 pm last Thursday night, 15 minutes before 11/11/11.  I see a line of about 25 people waiting to buy their copy of Skyrim - a video game if you still don't know what the hell I'm talking about.  I decide to wait in my truck until the line shortens, then jump inside before they close and go home.  I wait.  More people show.  I wait longer.  More and more people show.  By time I decide to get in line, it's 12:30, and there are only five people behind me for the rest of the night.  Which means, yes indeed, my thoughts have led to another spell of bad luck - much like my skill (or lack thereof) in picking winners this CFB season.

So standing in line, you'd think the geek factor would be overblown; you know, weird-voiced teenagers and overweight immature men, dressed in tattered clothes and reeking of mountain dew and piss bottles.  I'm here to say that is a fully functioning stereotype.  And of COURSE the guy in front of me is "that guy".  Let me do my best to recollect his introduction to me as I get in line:

Archmage Dorkenstein: "You look cold!  (It was 34 degrees, I had on a light hoodie and a toboggan - he's in 80s jeans and a short sleeved shirt.)  Man, this ain't shit.  I'm from New Jersey, this is fucking warm where I'm from.  Ya know, when we had those tornadoes and shit, my power was out so I said fuck it, grabbed a beer (makes drinking motion, complete with mouth slurping sounds) and stood outside looking at the mother fucking sky.  I mean, I don't give a fuck.  Remember it fucking snowed on Christmas day?  Wellllll I walked out on my fucking grass with a beer and a t-shirt, jeans, no socks or shoes, just fucking drinking (makes motion and slurp) and waving to everybody.  Everybody thought I was fucking insane, man, but dude I'm like - I'm from Jersey, ya know?"

This guy was hellbent on cussing just for the sake of cussing, as if his mother could no longer tell him what to do anymore.  And it was like his biggest achievement in life was standing in snow with less clothes than the next guy.  Yeah, I got to stand behind him for 30 minutes while he told his motherfucking stories to anyone who would listen.

Then the two dweebs behind me started in.  One asked the other "What's the only thing that runs but doesn't walk?"  His friend was stumped, so he goes "Water!  Ha ha!"  Having overheard this, I quickly looked over my shoulder and said "Nose."  And they were like "ohh man, he's right!"  Then the two behind me and the fat yank in front of me start naming off electrical appliances and other shit that meets the qualifications of that stupid joke, and I thought to myself ohhhh you fucking idiot, why did you say something?!  You're supposed to be invisible!  Shut up and stand in silence!

By time I get in there, they have sold out of strategy guides that I had already reserved and paid for - a 655 page must-have for a game like this.  Awesome.  So I get home around 1am, cold but ready to friggin game it up!  Aaand I can't find my XBOX power cord.  I'm a PS3 kind of guy, why the hell did I have to go XBOX this time around?  Is it because the chick at Gamestop the day before, who CLEARLY likes to Cosplay, convinced me the load times would be faster?  Yes.  And if you're wondering what Cosplay means, it's when all geekdom dresses up as their favorite characters from video games or TV shows or movies and attend conventions and shit in big cities.  For example, you can have someone like this...

Or you can see someone like this...

Again?  Ok.  You could see someone like this...

...or someone like this...

Now, if you're wondering who this is, it would be my gift to Sebastian if I had any pull.  I've known him for so long, I know what he likes and vice versa.  I can spot my type instantly, but I'll never forget a time in Tuscaloosa when we were tailgating, and Sebastian says "heads up, Joker girl", and it was, to a T.  Like...completely nailed what I look for.  Some people have that type, others will take anything that walks - you know, like the guys I was standing in line with.  More of Sara Underwood (above) later, but I gotta finish my damn story.

So after 15 minutes of ransacking my own house looking for an XBOX power cord, I find it.  FINALLY!!  SO by time I get to the intro of the game, make my guy just how I want to, and get thru the first mission...I'm out.  It's 2:30am and I have to work.  Figures.  All that work, to play for about an hour.

I have since put in many more hours, and this game has definitely lived up to its billing.  It took five years to make, and it'll take 5 months to finish every quest.  Everything about the game sucks you in and makes you want to get that new armor, get that new weapon, go murder than triflin' ho, go steal that expensive necklace...it's basically like a medieval GTA with better graphics.  For instance:

Now, that is not a cut scene - nothing really is.  Everything you see or hear in the game is animated with as much detail as possible, and nothing is "just a backdrop".  Those mountains?  You can climb to the top.  Those trees?  Hide behind them and sneak attack bandits.  That dragon?  Oh, you'll be seeing him soon.  Make sure to keep all his bones and scales for armor later in the game - or fuck it, sell it for some good coin.  DAMMIT, I AM PROUD TO BE A NERD RIGHT NOW.  That's what's so crescent fresh about you guys is that you just. don't. get it.  Moving on...

Chicago Kid: 32-22-1, +27.5 units (4cm, 11 units)
Blanket: 30-23-2, +20 units (2cm, 3 units)
Sebastian: 30-24-1, +24 units (3cm, 13 units)
Walter: 28-25-2, -1 unit (2cm, 5 units)
Joker: 25-28-2, -22 units (5cm, 18 units)
2AUdacious: 16-9, +19 units

Aside from yours truly being worse than a monkey throwing poo at his choices, I must say I am quite impressed with my Pick Em brothers so far this year.  We looked like shit for a while, but having three guys at 30 wins and 20 units already is impressive.  And mad props to Blanket for being on a 10 win streak, which is just insane.  Bringing this 'round full circle, now that I'm at a level 24 Dickface, I've donned the Hood of Excrement, and I'm ready to venture into the dark caves and pick losers that everybody can be sure to avoid - ESPECIALLY the five unit ones.  Theme this week - road teams cover.  Ready?  Go!

3***  Southern Miss -22.5 UAB - LOSS

4****  Wisconsin -14 ILLINOIS - LOSS

3***  Georgia Tech -10 DUKE - LOSS

3*** Kansas +31 TEXAS A&M - LOSS

5*****  Oklahoma -14.5 BAYLOR - LOSS

Remember kids - completely avoid these picks if you want to be successful (<--- Only thing I got right! ~J).  Follow Blanket until the wheels fall off, he's the hot hand right now.  Stay tuned for Sebastian, holla.

2011 - Joker's Week 11 Pick 'Em

I don't like seeing that we're already in Week 11.  It screams 'beginning of the end' to me.  Football should be at least six months long...although the long off time does make you enjoy it that much more.  Absence makes the heart grow fonder, after all.  Remember this, ladies - THAT is the only reason I haven't talked to you in years - I'm trying to make our love stronger, see?  I'll be accepting apology texts and dinner reservations starting tomorrow.  Tab's on you, of course.

I was going to play Heavy D in remembrance of his brief time on earth, but after looking through all his songs, they just weren't inspiring to me - apologies to all the Overweight Lovers out there.  Today I thought Throwing It All Away from Genesis would work.  Granted, that's not very inspiring either, so change the operative word to apropos and it works, considering last week's game.  We're all still thinking about it, whether we admit it or not.  Other than the obvious 100% support, all we can do as fans is just sit back and watch, hoping Bama runs the table and other teams don't.  Painfully simple, yet simply painful.

Continuing with depressing shit, I warned a buddy that this Sandusky thing would not reflect well for Joe Paterno.  He wasn't buying it, but I bet he is now.  Question now remains will they let JoePa finish out the season or go ahead and shoo him out the door.  Toss up as of now, if you ask me...but wait until victim after victim, cover up after cover up slowly starts to be made public.  The whole thing just makes me shake my head and not even want to talk about it.  I wonder if I should choose Nebraska -3, assuming they'll want to murder the Nittany Lions this Saturday.

All right, let's do an about face here like the mayor in Nightmare Before Christmas, switching to our happy face...

Time for positive thoughts.  We get to play Mississippi State next.  Though they suck, they're no slouch - LSU only beat them by 13, Georgia by 14.  So it's not like we can roll into the aptly-named Starkville and destroy them 50-0.  Well technically I guess we could, but we're beat up after the big game, and we won't know if we're still shaken from such a close defeat or angry because we should have won.  Plus I'm pretty sure our best OL, CB, and WR are all hurt, soooo.  Maybe I'll have more on that later if I decide to pick Alabama before I finish this article.  Speaking of...

Last weekend the Pick Em challenge boys brought the heat and all passed the test.  Let's keep that momentum going this week and one-up ourselves - let's try for two guys going perfect for this weekend.  I wanna be one of them, so who's gonna join me?  Update, please suh - normal, no ice:

Chicago Kid: 30-19-1, +28 units (3cm, 8 units)
Sebastian: 27-23, +17 units (3cm, 13 units)
Walter: 26-22-2, +1 unit (1cm, 2 units)
Blanket: 25-23-2, +7 units (2cm, 3 units)
Joker: 24-24-2, -11 units (4cm, 15 units)
2AUdacious: 16-9, +19 units

So should we have a muse today?  What other way is there to brighten up such a black mark on college athletics known as Penn State?  The other day I saw the love her/hate her Kristen Stewart on a talk show, and they showed a pretty hot picture she did in a magazine.  I dug around a little bit and found another seriously good looking photo of this quite polarizing celebrity...

Did you know she could look that hot?  I did, but there's still something irritating about her "too cool for school" attitude.  She's too old to do that shit now, quit acting shy and introverted when you're a pretty big movie star and clearly like the attention.  Because of this, she is not worthy of more pics today.  Hey, I don't make the rules.  Oh wait.

Now, Mr. Markham suggested I post Amber Heard, having seen a movie of hers, saying that she was what made it worth watching.  Don't know what movie it is, but she ain't too shabby...

Since the pic is called Drive Angry, I guess I have my answer.  And upon further review, she was the hot blonde in the commercials for the short-lived Playboy Club...

...who happens to dress the way you're supposed to in a high rise condo...

...BUT.  She's not 5-6 picture worthy for me this week.  I'm going with an old standby who hasn't yet been featured this season.  She was even actually up for debate a couple years ago to take Kate's place (as if that's possible), so without further ado...Cheryl Cole.  Yes, another Brit.

2**  CLEMSON -16 Wake Forest - LOSS

4****  FLORIDA STATE -9 Miami - LOSS

5*****  Texas -1 MISSOURI - LOSS

3***  ARKANSAS -14 Tennessee - WIN

3***  Alabama -17.5 MISSISSIPPI STATE - LOSS

What can ya say...sometimes people make terrible tattoo mistakes.  That's a helluva thigh, though.  Wish that was on the table this Thanksgiving.  Doesn't even need gravy. 

Family - "Where are you going?"

Me - "Uh...yeah, I'd just rather eat in my room, thanks.  I'll be out in a bit."

This week I finally stopped overanalyzing stats and picking teams I don't know a lot about - I simplified things and thought to myself who will win these games, will they win by this much, are you confident - sweet, lezroll.  I have teams with something to prove and/or rally around (Arkansas and Alabama), others that are getting stronger as the season progresses (FSU and Texas), and one team that is just head and shoulders better than the other (Clemson), so there ya go.  Good luck to my challenge brethren this week, and let's bring home multiple perfect weekend picks.  Stay tuned for Sebastian.

2011 - Joker's Week 10 Pick 'Em

Let me paint a picture for you.  It's Saturday afternoon, about 5 o'clock.  Three of my picks have lost, one is about to lose, and one is still in the second quarter but trailing one of the worst teams in football.  Had I not any alcohol in my hand, I would cry; and all I can picture is the nagging kitty:

It's a terrible feeling, but thankfully, the rest of the Pick 'Em crew has been eating fail soup with me the last couple of weeks.  THAT FUCKING CHANGES THIS WEEKEND.  PREACH!!  Now show me some ass.

Outstanding!  Show me another one!

Hell yes!  Again!

My sweet lord.  Okay, I'm spent for now.

As much as I love her, this is not about Kate Beckinsale anymore.  This is about Joker, the Joker Report, and the faithful JR readers.  NO LONGER will I be oppressed by the Vegas oddsmakers, with their $3000 suits and alligator shoes and ferrari limos and other glitzy glam nonsense.  I drive a Ford fucking truck - TWO of them, in fact - and I work like an illegal alien to pay my bills.  Fuck them if they think they can take my money each week while I quietly stand by.  This is MY week, by Jiminy, and I am determined to go 5-0, take VEGAS'S MONEY, and walk out the door like 2pac:

And you're probably wondering why didn't you play a 2pac song, yo?  And I'm probably replying cuz fuck you, that's why.  Sometimes a brotha wants to hear some PM Dawn with a little Spandau Ballet mixed in - don't hate.

 Now you're probably thinking to yourself good show, ol' chap!  I hope he posts some more of the female form so I can store images in my creepy little mind for later, considering I'm at work and the only thing I can do at this desk is grow a sem-bone in case I'm called into my boss's office.  Well, popular voice among my comrades, this bud's for you:

Is that gif awesome?  Hell yes it is, hell yes it is.  Now give me something funny.

Awesome.  Now give me something funny and true.

Nice rhythm to that message, huh?  Now show me one of the bikes that story was talking about.

My lord, Ducati is the iiish.  Next purchase, perhaps?

Randomness is over, on to the picks!  Give us the lowdown:

Chicago Kid: 27-17-1, +25.5 units (3cm, 8 units)
Walter: 23-20-2, +1 unit (1cm, 2 units)
Sebastian: 23-22, +8 units (3cm, 13 units)
Blanket: 20-23-2, -8 units (2cm, 3 units)
Joker: 20-23-2, -21 units (4cm, 15 units)
2AUdacious: 16-9, +19 units

Terrible list!  Awesome!  Give us something funny again.

Dammit this is a good blog, Joker!  Give yourself some props!

4****  Southern Cal -21.5 COLORADO  - WIN

3***  WEST VIRGINIA -14 Louisville - LOSS

2**  Army +16.5 AIR FORCE - WIN

4*** Stanford -20.5 OREGON STATE - WIN

3***  TENNESSEE -20 Middle Tenn State - WIN

BONUS:

EMU -2 Ball State

New Mexico State +34.5 GEORGIA

SAN DIEGO STATE -36 New Mexico

Boom.  As promised, sackly picks with my sack out while I type this.  I'm a man of my word.  LSU/Bama talks will resume soon.  One more lady for good measure.  Deuces.

2011 - Joker's Week 9 Pick 'Em

I can't help myself; for the next two weeks I will only be thinking of LSU, so the music on this site will reflect that.  My buddy Robby is always talking about "wind sprints in the driveway" music, and Korn's latest definitely fills that bill.  Just headbang while you read, pausing every now and then, of course, to say SHUT THE FUCK UP, GET UP!! 

Remember when I said I was bringing the funk this week with all my faorite things for luck?  Well, I lied. This will be a short and sweet article - thank God! - hey shut up reader voice!  I'll save all the LSU/Bama talk for later.  I will say though, that whoever is picking Big Ten (except one I hope) or SEC games for this week, godspeed my friends...every damn game looked like a toss up to win, much less cover.  We're right in the heart of the beast when nothing goes how you thought it would.  It's like my thinking I can pick a perfect 5 picks this week, when that's basically akin to thinking I could slay Smaug from The Hobbit cuz he has a minute chink in his armor; knowing, in reality, pant-shitting is all that would happen.  In that spirit, the battle cry for this week - OCCUPY CLEAN PANTS!!!

Chicago Kid: 26-13-1, +32.5 units (2cm, 6 units)
Walter: 21-18-2, +1 unit (1cm, 2 units)
Sebastian: 21-19, +9 units (3cm, 13 units)
Blanket: 19-19-2, +4 units (2cm, 3 units)
Joker: 19-19-2, -16 units (3cm, 13 units)
2AUdacious: 16-9, +19 units

Random thought - do you think white noise could just be Lou Holtz shushing someone on an endless loop? (this is where you do it out loud and start cracking up)

This week we'll see for real if Kate is a good luck charm...or just a smoking hot actress that pukes rainbows and shits vanilla beans.  The very least fate could do for her is to heed her yearnings for the day she can meet me and place her in my bed/sanctuary.  Let it be so!  Onward and upward, Lady Luck!

I've posted so many Kate pictures it's almost impossible to not duplicate some, so I'll throw in some I'm just not sure if I've posted or not.  But in the end, does it really matter?  When that cherry '69 Charger is on the corner in that one neighborhood, and you're nearing it again, do you think to yourself hey, I've already seen that, who cares?  NO, NO YOU DO NOT.  If anything, you stare more.

**2 Becks**  WESTERN MICHIGAN -11.5 Ball State

*1 Becks*  North Carolina State +19.5 FSU

***3 Becks***  Iowa -16 MINNESOTA

****4 Becks****  Virginia Tech -15 DUKE

*****5 Becks*****  Air Force -30 NEW MEXICO

The fat that got trimmed:

California -5 UCLA
Clemson -3.5 GEORGIA TECH
Stanford -7.5 USC

Good luck out there, ladies and gents. Be on the lookout for Sebastian's picks, and be sure to click on Walter, CK, and Blanket's links to give their pages some love.  Don't know if I'll have time for an LSU tease this week or not - but next week I'll have plenty to say.  Until then, it's creamsicle time.

2011 - Joker's Week 8 Pick 'Em

ALABAMA - It's Tennessee week.  Even with Fulmer out, and even though they suck, and even though they have no shot in hell for the upset with Bray and Hunter injured, and even though they have a nice, gentlemanly Saban disciple as the new man in charge...I still hate 'em.  They turned us in over 1) a guy who never played for us, 2) because one rogue booster paid more than they did, and 3) they left us for dead, thinking they'd all hear Rocky Top every Third Saturday in October at the end of all our games from here to eternity, thinking the sanctions would be the final dagger to a once proud program.

Wrong.

That fat fuck Fulmer got fired, and now those rum-ladled lips are sucking up to any college AD that will give him another shot  - and so far, that's been nobody.  He couldn't win a title with Peyton (or a Heisman - much appreciated, Mr. Charles Woodson), so he bought Tee Martin and won it the next year.  Now he's spewing college football analysis whenever he can - just like the other lying hypocrite of a coach, one Urban Meyer.  At least Meyer's name comes up for possible coaching vacancies; Fulmer, not so much.  Prick.  Then that fabulous beacon of moral practices hires Lane Kiffin.  Nuff said on that one.  Time to curb stomp those "garbage truck workers":

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More like lose by 40, MIRITE?!

MUSIC - With all the music I listen to, there's probably no other song I have skipped less (that's a compliment) when it comes up on the ipod than the one you're hearing right now.  I love Stevie Nicks, but for some reason I love this song more than all of her solo stuff and maybe all of Fleetwood Mac's songs.  Point is, that's saying a lot, so hopefully she'll keep me in the picking groove this week.

LSU/AUBURN - As an Alabama fan, normally I would hope that these two teams beat the tar/shit/fuck/mess out of each other, leaving nasty contusions and high ankle sprains that plague them for the rest of the year, considering they are both upcoming opponents on our schedule.  I mean, it's only fair, they both played Florida without Brantley or Demps because of Upshaw and Foster - OUR guys.  But then again, with the way our defense is playing, I don't think it would matter if they beat each other up before playing us.  You know how people always say "I hope so and so isn't hurt, because I want to beat them at their best, at full strength"?  Fuck that, that's called a lie.  I hope those kids get a severe case of the crabs at the very LEAST.  But like I said, it won't matter anyway.  As for who wins, I think I'm gonna go with the Tigers in this one.  I know, I know, I even surprise myself sometimes.  Show me that angry Aubie again, this article should rile him up pretty good...

OTHER TEAMS - Meltdown Time.  So entertaining.

CHICAGO KID - Yes, CK is an actual topic this week.  Why?  Well, let's just let the man himself explain what I found...

What do you have to say for yourself, CK?  I coulda told you not to mess with her.

PICKS - Well well well, the aforementioned pick machine (and homeless guy?) is human after all.  It's about time the shine wore off there, buddy.  I bet he was watching all the ticker scores like...

You'll probably go 5-0 this week, CK, so don't let it get you down.  Anyway, my reaction to my picks, and in turn CK's picks, was more like...

So what were the scores like anyway?  Observe:

Joker: 4-1, +8 units - Boom goes the dynamite?  I'm Ron Burgundy?  Check the comments in last week's picks - I went 4-1 on my scratched picks, too - 'bout gd time.  Was it all Miss Becks, or was I due?
Walter: 3-1-1, +4 units
Sebastian: 3-2, +5 units
Blanket: 3-2, +5 units
Chicago Kid: 2-3, -3 units (1cm, 4 units)

OVERALL:

Chicago Kid: 24-10-1, +36.5 units (2cm, 6 units)
Walter: 19-15-2, +2 units, (1cm, 2 units)
Sebastian: 18-17, +8 units (2cm, 10 units)
Joker: 17-17-1, -15 units (3cm, 13 units)
Blanket: 16-17-2. -5 units (2cm, 3 units)
2AUdacious: 16-9, +19 units

Slowly but surely, my friends.  Having only one person only one game below .500 isn't bad, all things considered, and I'd wager ol' Blankey can start a late charge in the second half of this season.  NO LEAD IS SAFE - I'M TALKING TO YOU, CK!!  Let's begin - Arianny Celeste, do your thing.

 

3***  Auburn +23 LSU - I don't know why everybody thinks LSU will blow them out of the water.  That's rational thinking, and factually clear what should happen.  But if you watch any of Auburn's games, there is ALWAYS something odd that happens, something that goes awry, and something that will benefit the O&B 90% of the time.  I swear on my soul while typing this that I'm hearing something about Ware and Matheiu being suspended for failing a drug test.  If that's true - I rest my case.  Even if it's not true something else will happen; and besides, 23 points is a fuckload to give in a big SEC battle like this.
LOSS - Wow Auburn sucks.

4****  Nebraska -24.5 MINNESOTA - Basically, start with a sweet dough of *people aren't giving enough credit to Nebraska* at this juncture in the season.  Add a tablesoon of *Minnesota is fucking godawful shit their pants bad*, and mix well with *oh, and their coach could die at any minute*, and voila!  Poundcake!
WIN - I don't have anything funny/witty to say here.

3***  Rutgers +2 LOUISVILLE - Am I missing something here?  Louisville should almost never be favored, especially against the best turnover-creating team in FBS.  I guess they're using transitive property, saying the Cardinals covered the spread against Cincinnati, so they'll beat the Scarlet Knights, who almost lost to Navy.  Yeah, if we used transitive property for everything, there's a way to "prove" Alabama A&M can beat Alabama.  Logic be gone!
PUSH - Rutgers squandered their chances, but I'll take a push over a loss anyday.

2** Texas Tech +30 OKLAHOMA  - I know their best receiver is out.  I know their starting tailback is out.  I also know that Oklahoma, though a great team, has had many MANY things bounce their way this year, and it reflects in blowout scores.  Tech plays a plug and play spread scheme, so even if the above injury replacements operate at only 75% efficiency than the starters would, you're STILL giving them a 30 point head start?  That's a huge cushion for the #6 total offense in FBS with nothing to lose, facing a cocky team that knows they will win and will start coasting near the end - allowing for a BDC that will hopefully work in my favor for once.
WIN - Or Texas Tech could just beat em.  Whatever works!

4****  Arkansas -15.5 OLE MISS - I know many may be thinking the Rebs (Black Bears?) can turn things around against a suspect Razorback D...but come on, they suck ass.  That, and the Tide just put a hurtin' on em last week with Trent breaking ankles and knees on one guy alone, and breaking the constitution and will of half their starting D by game's end.  I just see Tyler Wilson having a field day, and they'll cover even if Mississippi gets 21.
LOSS - Typical Houston Nutt "pull one out of my ass" games - and he still lost.

Didn't quite make the cut:

West Virginia -13.5 SYRACUSE
BAMA -28.5 Tennessee
Southern Cal +9 NOTRE DAME
Temple -13 BOWLING GREEN
ILL/PUR over 47

So, JR readers, do you approve of Arianny?

Glad I could be of service to you.  Prepare for the comeback, gentlemen.  It's on!

2011 - Joker's Week 7 Pick 'Em

I don't give a good gotdamn whether I appease the "gambling gods" this week or not.  I've been too serious around here lately, so that changes today.  I'm playing the music I want to, showing the girl I want to, and picking the games I feel best about, whether or not the stats back them up.  Hell, I'm 800 units back, it's not like I'm going to do any worse - scratch that, I could pull a Sebastian and go 0-5.  Hell, watch me do that this week - I don't give a fuh.

Music - What do you get when you mix Ozzy Osbourne, Lemmy Kilmister, and Zakk Wylde?  A bad ass song, that's what.  About the coolest "dude, we're venturing into a dark place" intro I can think of, too.  Ozzy's the best, and he's still going strong - check out In My Life (great Beatles cover) and Life Won't Wait for proof he'll never die.  Figuratively speaking of course; literally speaking could be any day now *frowny face*.

Video Games - I haven't played shit in a long time, but that will change on the 18th - Arkham City, bitches.  Those of you who wanna hang out, you better get your kicks in now.  Once I get this game it's pizza, Dr. Pepper 10, no showers and no daylight until I beat it twice.  And remember, this is Mark Hamill's (supposed) last run as the voice of the Joker, and he's BY FAR the best.  I'm sure the stupid game has the Joker dying instead of Robin because of this, so I'm preparing myself now for that horseshit.

Scary movies - Thanks for all zero of your suggestions.  Fuck you all.  IT'S NOT LIKE I ASK A LOT FROM MY READERS.  I hope your houses get egged like whoa.  And a kid eats a razor and blames your candy.

Alabama - We play Ole Miss.  Who cares.  Let's just watch Mark Barron hit somebody. 

If you'll notice, Mark walks away, Dont'a gives him some quick love, and THAT's IT.  Did he jump up and down like a fucking idiot, telling the crowd "YEAH, I MADE THAT PLAY! ME! ME!"  Nope.  Think about that for a minute.  That's what separates men from boys.

Other teams - Meltdown Time, anyone?  The Texas fans cracked my shit up.  They cuss more than Marines under fire.

Humor - This is funny as hell, and it features Lindsay Lohan - back when she was on her way to being hot, before the crack/meth/coke/pills/vodka kicked in.

Picks - It's obvious you need to be following CK at this point - you'd have your student loans paid off by now, even if you went to Harvard.  Although technically you'd already have a functioning formula that you secretly use on your own if you went to Harvard, but I digress.  Point is - this week - it's don't give a fuck time.

If you have a problem with that, "Well...bye."

So on this blessed day of not giving a fuck, my beloved Kate Beckinsale will be all up on this page.  You look like you need an explanation...

Let's have the weekly rundown, and try not to laugh at the guy sitting in last place:

Chicago Kid: 22-7-1, +39.5 units (1cm, 2 units)
2AUdacious: 16-9, +19 units
Walter: 16-13-1, -2 units, (1cm, 2 units)
Sebastian: 15-15, +3 units (2cm, 10 units)
Blanket: 13-15-2. -10 units (2cm, 3 units)
Joker: 13-16-1, -23 units (3cm, 13 units)

Random tidbit - each one of CK's picks last week was at least a double pick by someone else in the group.  Interesting huh?  Sounds like he knows how to whittle them down better than the rest of us, even if we pick the same damn games.  And the unit selection from that last guy is almost like purposefully bad.  But I'm pretty sure...

So just sit back, scroll down and see what real beauty is.  And after looking at my picks, you can check out Becks too.  Hiyoooo!

**2 Beckinsales**  MISSOURI -15 Iowa State - CUZ I SAID SO.
WIN

She looks really really good right here.  Damn.  Give me a double shot of that, suh.  Normal, NO ICE!!

***3 Beckinsales***  Virginia Tech -7 WAKE FOREST - CUZ I SAID SO.
WIN

****4 Beckinsales****  Louisiana State -16 TENNESSEE - CUZ I SAID SO.
WIN

****4 Beckinsales****  CINCINNATI -16.5 Louisville - CUZ I SAID SO.
LOSS

***3 Beckinsales***  VANDERBILT +11 Georgia - CUZ I SAID SO.
WIN

And in case you've forgotten, if these picks fail, or if you call me a hack, or if everyone else goes 5-0 and I'm left 0-5 with my dick in my hand...

I sincerely hope my challenge competitors fail miserably, and that their hands get caught in the car door on Saturday night, just as an extra kick in the ass.  Good morrow to you all.

Last but not least, a scary ghost to give you chills before Halloween...

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2011 - Joker's Week 6 Pick 'Em

 

A mellow White Zombie song got me out of the hole, going 2-2-1 in Week 4.  A rampaging Static-X song got me up to 4-1 in Week 5.  Therefore, I conclude that my favorite Rammstein song should get me to the pinnacle of any Pick 'Em week - the mysterious 5-0.  CK saw this perfect life in Week 1, and while I saw it in the very last week of Pick 'Em last season, it's been too long, and I'd love to visit again. 

Therefore, on top of a killer song, I offer the gambling gods a bevy of beauties this week, not just one.  This post will resemble Week 4's buffet - women hotter than anyone 99% of my readers have ever dated, and therefore wouldn't bother peeing on us if we were on fire.  Fine by me, I still have eyes and an imagination, so I win.  Some of em you know, some you don't; some are ripped, some are not.  Oh, and I don't know who all of them are, so figure them out yourself.  Just enjoy the scenery and stop ruining the moment like dogs do when you masturbate.

 

And it looks like I'll take a little time for myself this week and skip the Vandy article.  I think we know what'll happen there, but I'm not sure if we cover the 28.5 or not, so I'm just avoiding that game considering I have 50 other options.  But before we get to those options, how about starting the hottie pics and the rundown please.

Chicago Kid: 18-6-1, +31 units (1cm, 2 units)
2AUdacious: 16-9, +19 units
Walter: 14-10-1, +3 units, (1cm, 2 units)
Blanket: 11-12-2. -7 units (2cm, 3 units)
Joker: 11-13-1, -18 units (3cm, 13 units)
Sebastian: 11-14, -8 units (2cm, 10 units)

Like I said before, it's looking like a group split in two - good vs bad.  I hope to change that this week, as I'm on "somewhat" of a run, so let's do this.

2**  Oklahoma -9 TEXAS - Honestly, I think the Sooners make the Longhorns look foolish in this one.  Texas may think they're back, but they'll find out Saturday that's not the case.  Sure, Big Game Bob is prone to fuck up certain games like this, hence only 2 units, but I just don't see how anyone can hang with the Jones to Broyles connection and an athletic defense.  9 points may seem like a lot in a rivalry game, but Texas hasn't played anyone worth a shit, so they have no idea how fast Okie is gonna run up that score.  Boomer Sooner.
WIN - Absolute smackdown.  And I really don't like Mack Brown.  That rhymed.

2**  Iowa +4 PENN STATE - Tell me again why PSU is favored?  Cuz they eek out wins every week against lesser opponents?  Not only is Iowa better, they've had an extra week to prepare while the Nittany Lions keep playing hot potato with their quarterback and almost losing to Indiana.  Speaking of...
LOSS - Of course PSU shows up when 4 of the 5 guys playing this week pick Iowa.

3***  Illinois -14 INDIANA - I think this spread is a reflection of the Hoosiers' performance against the public's perception of the mighty Penn State, when in reality they have a pretty stiff defense...and that's it.  So that defense punched Indiana in the mouth all last week, and now they limp home to face an undefeated Illini team that got a wake up call with a (somewhat) healthier Dan Persa almost beating them.  Indiana is NOT good and have played terrible opposition while Illinois have beaten teams much better than at once perceived.  Illinois burned me once, and CK twice, but I ain't skeered.  I'll definitely take a dual threat Scheelhaase for $300, Alex.
WIN - So you just have to be stupid and/or brave to win bets?  I accept that challenge.

3***  NORTH CAROLINA -14 Louisville - Louisville has yet to play a bona fide FBS team.  The fact that I just called the Tarheels bona fide should tell you who the Cardinals have been playing.  UNC, though known cheaters, have much better athletes and should not have a problem putting Louisville away at home.
LOSS - Gotta love those BDCs with 42 seconds left in the game.

5*****  Texas A&M -7.5 TEXAS TECH - This one, in my humble opinion, is easy.  The Aggies have dropped two games they should have won by folding shop in the second half.  The Red Raiders, on the other hand, have managed to squeak by Nevada and Kansas - 110th and 120th in scoring defense, respectively.  And who were the other teams?  New Mexico and Texas STATE?  Child please, they've played nobody.  The Aggies just saw a prolific SEC passing attack and will adjust, and this time, they won't let the opponent creep back into the fray.  Oh, and by the way, the tandem of Michael and Gray against Tech's 117th ranked rush defense has to have those kids salivating.  A&M huge in this one, I say 56-20.
LOSS - This time we had a BDC with 31 seconds left in the game.  Two in one day, it's too ridiculous to even get mad.  Note to readers - don't EVER bet on my 5 unit games.  Ever.

There ya have it.  It worked last week, so how about I purge my week's finds at the end, aka a bunch more women?  Deal.  Good luck to my challenge compadres this week - we're officially in the thick of football.  And it feels good.  Enjoy the goods, and stay tuned for Sebastian and 2AUdacious, who will have articles sooner rather than later or they won't get posted.  Bet.

 





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2011 - Joker's Week 5 Pick 'Em

It's Week 5, that's my lucky number, and that means it's time to throw down.  Saturday marks the start of October, my birth month, and my sister's birthday - and soon leaves and temps will start falling - just like my competitors in the Pick 'Em Challenge.  That's right, I'm talking shit.  I've been modest and humble all year (sorta), and that's gotten me fucking nowhere, so now it's on like donkey kong.  You think this song indicates my mood?  You're fucking right.  It's one of those *second wind in a marathon* songs; one of those *get off the mat and start throwing haymakers* kind of songs; one of those *find your girlfriend cheating on you in your own house and smile like the Joker knowing this is your "moral free play", and whatever the naked douchebag in your bed tries to do in defense a) won't hurt and b) won't work* kind of songs.  Figuratively speaking, of course.

And you know if I'm bringing the heat in song, I'm bringing it in female form.  Do you remember my last pick 'em, the #6 photo of the girl crouching down next to a hurdle?  Her name is Elaine Alden, and she's uh...well, let's just say she fits the format of my blog.  I cast down upon thee HOTNESS, and it shall be so.

Not bad huh?  More curves than the Nurburgring!  She's like a newer Pamela Anderson with (much) better legs.  But keep your pants on, there's plenty more where that came from.  May we have the pick total so far, please?

Chicago Kid: 16-4, +29.5 units (1cm, 2 units)
2AUdacious: 12-8, +11 units
Sebastian: 11-9, +7 units (1cm, 5 units)
Walter: 10-9-1, -3 units, (1cm, 2 units)
Blanket: 9-3-2, 0 units (2cm, 3 units)
Joker: 7-12, -21 units (3cm, 13 units)

Since this isn't horseshoes or hand grenades, I'm not in the running - yet.  I would advise any readers and my fellow challenge comrades to use extreme caution when thinking I made a good pick and/or picking the same one for yourselves.  The odds are against you if you so choose; just a little reminder.  Onward and upward, then!

2**  UTEP +18 Houston - I told you about those infamous BDC's Keenan and company allow.  18 points allows for a lot of wiggle room in a BDC, and it's one of two "Walter specials" on Thursday - a weeknight home dog (the other being PITT +3 South Florida).  The Miners scored throughout the game on a tough South Florida defense, so they should be able to do the same and somewhat hang with Houston.  If it matters at all, Mike Leach said UTEP and Rice actually have the ability to beat them this month.  And this way I can finally root for Mike Price, Bama's interim head coach for about two weeks.  We should all know the story there.  As Martin Lawrence said, stop chasin' dem ho's Jessie!!
WIN - Roo roo, one game winning streak.

5***** TEMPLE -7 Toledo - I'm done scratching my head over why this is only at 7.  The line opened at -5.5, so fair enough, it moved out of my favor, so at least people know Temple is legit now.  But I think the Owls twist their necks all the way around and beat that Rocket ass.  And I'll tell you why I (just now) upgraded it to 5 units:

1. Bernard Pierce is #10 in the nation with 124 yds/gm rushing
2. Early home game, business as usual - but with more fans interested making it louder
3. Rockets still thinking about what could have been, i.e. the botched "made" extra point that led to a loss versus Syracuse last week
4. Al Golden has obviously left the cupboard full, and former UF OC Addazio is taking full advantage
5. The raw numbers all point to Temple; just to name one, which team is the only team in the country allowing less points than Bama?  You guessed it.  Go Owls.
LOSS - Fucking ouch.

2**  Cincinnati -13.5 MIAMI-OHIO - I'm not sure why, but nobody gives the Bearcats much love at all.  Year after year I've won with them - even this year, and that's saying something.  I guess cuz this is an in-state rivalry and an away game, they won't murder the Redhawks?  This HAS to be because they played Missouri close in the first week, as if the Tigers were thinking about them with Arizona State coming in the next week.  Cincy is #1 in turnover margin compared to Mia-OH's 100th ranking, so let's say that's one TD.  Cincy's punting is #2 in the nation, whereas the Redhawks are next to last at 119th - huge gap there is another TD.  More incentive?  'Hawks are 100th in total offense, 105th in scoring offense, and 112th in sacks allowed - all against a defense that thrives on turnovers?  Bitch please.  Zach Collaros, Isiaih Pead, longer week to prepare, no long travel time, noon game...hard to ignore all the green lights.
WIN - CB = Cincinnati Bearcats.  CB = Covers, Bitches.

1*  Michigan State +3.5 OHIO STATE - This should really be a *pick em* game, as either team can win.  I also thought about taking the under, set at 44.5, because these are two really good defenses - at least on paper.  I just have a hunch the Spartans have righted the ship after the Notre Dame loss in Week 2, and their eyes are set on taking down their cheating conference foe.  Last year Bama showed them what playing real men is like, and I think they take that mindset - and their #1 total defense - into Columbus to bust some heads.  With squeaky clean and green Braxton Miller getting the start, it's quite possible the Legends steal one from the Leaders, and the annoying Fuckeye Nation start clamoring for answers.
WIN - What it is yo.

3***  Marshall +10.5 LOUISVILLE - The Cardinals have eeked out a 2-1 record versus Murray State, FIU, and Kentucky, three of the worst damn teams I could think of if asked on the spot.  Take away TY Hilton and this would be even more pathetic.  Meanwhile, Marshall has played West Virginia, a scrappy Ohio team, and Virginia Tech.  The surprising part about that?  Ohio was the only team to blow them out.  The Herd have averaged 14 points against those tough opponents, while Louisville has averaged only 21 points against their pop warner squads.  I give the nod here to Marshall's experience against top flight opponents...AND I'm getting 10.5 points too?  Sign me up.
WIN - Um, what it be, maaaan.

I have two bonus picks this week - taking both the overs on Texas Tech/Kansas-67 and Auburn/South Carolina-49.  The former matchup has terrible defenses that have been beaten up lately, and the latter will be a shootout of UGLY, not epic, proportions, with even defenses and special teams randomly scoring.

As for Elaine, you can't tell me she didn't deliver the goods.  The music is on point, as well.  If I go 0-5 or 1-4 again, I might as well start playing Nickelback and putting up Sarah Jessica Parker photos.  I'm not ready to commit to that, but ask me again on Saturday night.  Fingers crossed in the hopes that the gods were amply fed.  Stay tuned for the other JR picks coming shortly.  (fuck it, let's add more Elaine just in case the gods want dessert):