So let's just say, when I was 17, I was an asshole. Just "hypothetically". Let's also say I had a fast truck and used to leave tread on whatever streets I felt like. Well currently, after a year of owning a very similar truck, I finally decided to break the tires loose on a corner in my neighborhood - for just a second. New z-rated grippy tires + brand new asphalt = very loud screeching sounds. Immediately I get the stink eye from a guy working on my street, and immediately it made me feel 17 again - cuz I want to stop writing this, go back out there, line up next to his truck, and light em up for an 1/8 mile while I make shadow puppets in the shape of a giant bird. Considering my tires cost a lot, and my neighbors don't hate me (yet), I'll continue writing this instead. That little dickbag who thinks I'm a dickbag has no idea that I'm the king of all dickbags. Cool story! Thanks bro!
MUSIC - So a while back, my brother-in-law is sipping on his Beam and Coke, and we're talking about rap for some reason. He looks at me and says "you know, I don't think I can even name a Tupac song." Now typically, my response would be to get up and run around his yard with my arms flailing in the air, asking the gods why they do this to me. But I kept my cool and said "Dude...he's the best there ever was or will be. You really need to give him a chance." So, since I know he hasn't even tried, I'll do it for him. This has got to be his most passionate song, regardless of whether or not it turned out to be a bad thing for him. And I honestly don't think any song intro can top that's why I fucked your bitch, you fat motherfucker. So listen up, bro, especially near the end when he goes off. Get goosebumps every time.
SKYRIM - Like I said in my last installment of Skyrim - The Life and Times of Joker's Pathetic Social Life, I was starting the game over with a new character so I could help my buddy AUJclayton roll through the punches of getting used to this goliath of a game. Turns out El Matteo has started over, too, so we made completely different characters and are maybe at level 10 tops right now. For those of you out there that are playing this with us, do the quest I personally call the Toomer's Corner quest. In Whiterun, in the courtyard, talk to some chick sitting on the bench. She'll tell you about the dying tree and how to go about bringing it back to life. One of the places you'll end up is one of the prettiest in the game graphics/color wise, and once you finish, the dead tree in the courtyard will suddenly come back to life the next time you visit town. Pretty cool ish.
This is my first character, who's apparently on hold for a while even though he's damn near untouchable and could rape and pillage entire cities by himself. If you get to 100 smithing, and you kept all the bones and scales of the dragons' collectively kicked asses, you can make your own armor. It's enchanted as well, which means you have about a zero percent chance of killing me. Bring it. Oh, and of course, that's a jester who now tags along and fights with me...and you wonder why I like this game?
PIMP.
MELTDOWN TIME - Notice some of the Aubies aren't funny like other fanbases; they immediately hit up their go-to cache of cheating/scandalous big brother insults instead of facing logic and the actual, REAL gameplay that their ears and eyes saw for themselves. Sad, really. That's GOT to get old, no?
FUNNY - If you know me, you know I'm picky about the things I like, and I'm very vocal if these certain few folks make my list. As for comedians, the list goes something like this - Chevy Chase, Damon Wayans, Martin Lawrence. Sure the Jim Carreys and Will Ferrells of the world are funny, and we all know that. But people hate on Chevy (and tend to forget him cuz his peak was in the 80s), and they also tend to forget Damon and Martin, who may or may not have peaked in the 90s. Point is, Runteldat can put me into laughing fits, especially the part when he's in the hospital. Have a listen, and if you don't laugh, I don't want to be friends anymore.
And I caught some of See No Evil Hear No Evil the other day, and I challenge anyone to find a better comedy duo than Richard Pryor and Gene Wilder. The wit together and the love they show for each other is evident...and before I start singing Ebony and Ivory on your ass, just watch...
If that doesn't get my Dad laughing, I don't know what will.
PICKS - Again, as a precaution, I don't have to tell you any lawyerspeak anymore - you should just know not to touch my picks this year. That's probably why Sebastian hasn't posted yet...he's waiting to see mine first and then make adjustments. Can't blame him. Joker and 2011 picks go together about as well as white dresses and ketchup popsicles. The rundown please, which I have somehow managed to avoid calculating until now:
Blanket: 35-28-2, +20 units (2cm, 3 units)
Chicago Kid: 34-25-1, +25.5 units (4cm, 11 units)
Sebastian: 35-29-1, +25 units (4cm, 17 units)
Walter: 32-31-2, -10 units (2cm, 5 units)
Joker: 28-35-2, -37 units (5cm, 18 units)
AUdacious: 16-9, +19 units
Sebastian and I were the big winners - going 3-2. Yikes, not a good week for the group, and the CK didn't even find it in his heart to choose anyone. He just threw whole turkeys in his mouth and gave us the finger. Youth and their tireless quest for disrespect, I swear.
Question - why isn't Sandusky fondling this?
Speaking of gymnasts...
And one more random chick pic for good measure...
***3 Northern Illinois -3.5 OHIO
****4 OREGON -31 Ucla
**2 Wyoming -5.5 COLORADO STATE
****4 BOISE STATE -48.5 New Mexico
*****5 LSU -13.5 GEORGIA
Easiest week of the year! Going 5-0 to close just like I did last season! Well, probably not, but my hope and faith still abides, dude!
In closing, the Bowl season is a ways off...but not that far off. We have 8 people in the league so far, so we're only 111 short. GET your ASSES in there. ESPN College Bowl Mania - no password this year, so get all your buddies to join up and we'll have some, like, mega fantastic war between all the genius armchair quarterback minds out there. And you know the prize - whoever wins, as long as they talk about college football somewhere in there, can write an article for this site. In other words, say some (already annoying) Ohio State fan wins; he can spout off about Urban Meyer snapping his fingers and getting 5-star recruits to commit on the spot, and how the Buckeyes will be resurrected into a Top 3 program again, and blah blah yada yada - or he can just go off about his whore ex-girlfriend. If that's you, all you gotta do is beat me - and whoever else signs up - at picking the winner of 35 games. Is it in you? Find out, ya bunch of nancies. Click here, sign up. Sebastian, the floor is yours.
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