The Joker Report

2007 Independence Bowl Recap

Before I say anything, I've GOT to explain how I feel about Bob Davie.  He's a fucking moron.  I'm not going to apologize for my language, because nothing else instills more passion in me than Alabama football, and of course the gods decided to put Davie's ignorant, Gary Busey-like teeth up in our grill all night.  The dude can't shut up---EVER---and he almost never talks about the game itself.

Case in point, Davie has told the ESPN audience tonight that Nick Saban makes 4 million dollars a year for his services.  Ironically, he has told us that tonight 4 million times.  He's also made a point to talk about how we lost to Louisiana-Monroe, how the fans in this bowl had to drive through Monroe to get there, and how awful it is that a coach making 4 million dollars lost to them.  He has also made it a point to talk about John Parker Wilson's interception for a touchdown in the loss against Mississippi State, coached by Nick Saban, who makes 4 million dollars a year.

So let's talk about Bob Davie, shall we?  He used to coach at Notre Dame, so I'm not the only one who hates him.  7-6 in his first year, 9-3 with a 35-28 loss in Gator Bowl, 5-7, 9-3, 41-9 loss in Feista Bowl, and 5-6 in his final year.  5 years at the most presitigious college in the game, and yet he couldn't pull a 10-win season.  Dennis Franchione, Mike Dubose, and even Mike Shula won 10 games in a season.  Not only that, with all the coaching vacancies out there this season, not even the piss-poor schools gave you a call.  There...that should knock you down a few pegs, Bob.  Now stop mispronouncing our players' names and shut the hell up.

If ESPN knew what they were doing, much less CARED what they were doing, considering they have a monopoly on all things sports-related, they would show Stacey Dales MUCH more than Bob Davie.  Thankfully, the water girls on Colorado's side all looked like raven-haired jezebels---and I can dig it.

Ok whatever, Joker, on to football.  Ahh sooo.  But what can I say that hasn't already been said in my various rants on my beloved Tide?  We have no killer instinct, PERIOD.  It's like we're having a GD tea party out there, and we love the idea---for the first quarter---and then don't give a damn after that.  We went up 27-0, then did nothing.  We could have run the clock out at the very end, but we decided to cover up the ball and run it straight into the Buffalo defense, giving them the ball back.  We just give that much effort to win, but like a loving father says to his loser son, "it's okay if you don't."

This is a problem we've had all year long.  EVERYONE---at home, in the stadium, on the field, in the bathroom, out for a job, bangin' the milkman---feels like something bad is going to happen in or around the 2nd quarter, and it will not go away until the game is over.  The players feel it too, and it shows; they just sit back and sort of wait for SOMEONE ELSE to make a play, wait for SOMEONE ELSE to do something.  I honestly think the only player who refuses to have that mentality is #49.  Unfortunately, Rashad Johnson can't cover all eleven men on the other side.

Positives:

• Rashad Johnson will be an anchor at the back next season.  He has really impressed me this year.
• Wallace Gilberry just elevated his stock from a probable 5th round draft pick to a possible 3rd rounder, maybe higher.  Unbelievable game from him.
• Speaking of game, I have even more respect for our uber-freshman, Rolando McClain.  He made key plays all over tonight and battled through numerous painful injuries.  That tells me a lot about his internal dialog.
• That was Marcus Carter's last game.

Negatives:

• Joker, why so hard on Carter?  Maybe because the only time you saw him this year, he was missing tackles.  He's a bad linebacker playing safety, and that's about the best I can sum it up.  I love my Bama boys, but I'm putting a kick-me sign on his and Chris Capps's backs.  PEACE.
• John Parker Wilson is still mentally-challenged.  He's just not the signal-caller everyone wishes him to be.  Next year, if he does the same thing he's done this year, and we don't give Fanuzzi or Jackson relative play time, something is rotten in the state of Denmark.
• Honestly, I'm glad to see Simeon go.  The more I learn about defensive backs, the more I see he was a liability this year, at least in Nick Saban's schemes.  I admire his playmaking ability, and I sincerely hope he converts to a free safety at the next level and has much success.  I am adopting Saban's "act like a champion" mentality, and he didn't do that this year.  For being on the field on every defensive play and only having 2 interceptions, 0 fumbles forced and 0 fumble recoveries, and getting beat quite often...that's not a champion.  I love you Sim, thanks for playing at the Capstone, best wishes in the NFL.

I know these are hard facts to deal with for resident Bama fans, but believe me, things are changing---starting tonight.  Slick Nick will shake the seniors' hands, treat them like men, and wish them well at the next level, but he's just as glad as I am that he's getting his own players coming in now.  Would you want to coach a team full of Mike Shula's players?  Ok then, get off my sac.  Or, professionally speaking, "the power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it." Ah, George Bernard Shaw always has my back.

We all need to enjoy this win, be thankful we had a winning season, and sit back and smile while Saban tries to recruit the #1 class in the nation.  Who WON'T quit in the second quarter.  Who WON'T tire out in the fourth quarter.  Who buy in to what he says and what that ring on his finger symbolizes.  Patience, Bama fans...we'll get there.

Same Ol' Song and Dance

Lindsey Buckingham's song Go Insane (good song...get some culture, people) starts off by saying "Two kinds of people in this world; winners...losers." Yep, that pretty much sums up this weekend.

This is not an easy time to be a Crimson Tide football fan.  Everyone hates us---Auburn, Tennessee, LSU; the entire states of Florida and Louisiana hate our coach and therefore us; our fans are largely comprised of ignorant rednecks, our coach is a liar and an asshole with a Napoleon complex, we've lost 6 straight to our arch rival, chances are dim that we even get invited to a bowl game, we get hammered by the NCAA while Oklahoma and USC get slaps on the wrist, we get teased by Tim Tebow and Joe McKnight, our players are mostly slackasses and therefore perennial losers because of the former regime, and the worst part of all---it's not an easy fix, it takes time, and more heartache and headaches will come in the future.

Saban is right---it is what it is.

Congratulations go out to the Auburn football team for showing up.  That's pretty much all they had to do, we'll tank from there.  We always do.

Oh, and apologies to the bar in Fairhope where I called everyone in there a vagina.  Yep, I even managed to get my Dad kicked out of a bar over the holidays.

I couldn't even maintain my Pick 'Em progress, as I evened out this week going 5-5, with big blows to the 4 and 5 Beck units.  Ah well...at least Franchione and Callahan got canned.  More to come next week...right now I'm going to call the Men in Black and get my mind erased.

Iron Bowl---It Is What It Is

I swear, if I see Saban Dubose-clapping again when something bad happens, I'm going to dropkick the first Auburn fan I see and clap like a madman at how technically sound I just did that, relative to dominating his jack-o-lantern!

The Iron Bowl.  A stupid nickname I didn't use until I was 20-something.  It's the Alabama/Auburn game to most residents in the state, no nickname needed.  We don't play for a Big Brown Jug, we don't play for Paul Bunyan's Axe, and we don't play for Barbie Ferrari.  We play for pride, we play for keeps, we play for 365 days of bragging rights.  No more Legion Field these days; It's either Bryant-Denny in Tuscaloosa or Jordan-Hare (pronounced Jurdin-Herr...whatever) in Auburn now, and this year it's on the Plains.  Y'all can argue all you want about Michigan/Ohio State being the biggest rivalry, but deep down you know it's not.  Those are two different states, separated by different laws and customs.  Here in Alabama, the Tide and Tigers abide by the same rules, live in the same cities, work in the same places.  In other words, you can hate a guy if you live in Ann Arbor, Michigan and he lives in Columbus, Ohio; but you can really hate a guy if you live in Huntsville, Alabama and that same beautiful orchid! lives right across the sugar! street from you, works in the same place as you, drives the same car you do, hits on the same hottie in the neighborhood as you do, and flies that god-awful orange and blue flag every Saturday, messing up the Crimson mojo you already had with your flag.  Not to mention the "5 in a row!" screensaver he programs on your computer when you roll to the bathroom, the smirks he's been giving you the past five years Auburn's had the upper hand, and that sad, sad mental state he always carries around with him because he doesn't know how to win gracefully.  Why?  'Cuz Auburn has no history of winning, they equate Heisman winners to National Championships since they only have half of one they shared with Ohio State or Wisconsin or something back in 1638, and because they care more about what happens to Bama than their own cookies! team.  TRUTH.  Fans also tend to take on the personalities of their head coach, so we Bama fans are just now getting back to the feeling of what it takes to be a hardass, hard-working winner compared to Auburn fans being smug, big-eared jackasses the past 9 years or so.

Unfortunately, the odds are still in Auburn's favor this year.  Brandon Cox, though extremely and sometimes hilariously pathetic on the gridiron, has made less mistakes as the year goes on compared to John Parker Wilson, apparently the only person of the Crimson Tide that can throw the ball forward, considering we haven't seen anyone else attempt a pass since week 1.  Now I could go into position comparisons, talent level, coaching, gameplans, etc.  But y'all know just as well as I do, on the way into the stadium the coaches might as well trash the playbook and come ready to throw down and be prepared for anything under the sky.

I am judging the outcome of this game by one tangible thing and one intangible thing:

The tangible---Auburn's running attack vs Alabama's rushing defense.  If you've watched the Tide at all this year, no matter who the running back is, they have dragged our defenders for up to five yards each carry after the point of contact.  If Billy the Broken Bones Boy was Auburn's tailback, I'm damn near 100% positive he could break a tackle and juke Marcus Carter on his way into the endzone.  That doesn't bode well for us, considering Auburn has three tough runners in Tate, Lester, and Fannin.  They will be running over folks a la Caddy and Ronnie of recent times.  The one thing Tide fans need to wish for is that somehow, someway, Tommy Tuberville abandons the run early for trick plays and dink n dunk passes like Fulmer and Miles did.  Had they kept Foster and Hester aimed directly at us, they would have killed our will and won easily.  Tubbs seems to be a pretty simple guy, we'll see if he stays that simple.  If not, hey, feel free to let Cox heave up some cherries for Rashad Johnson.

The intangible---the endless questions surrounding Alabama.  How in the world is the Tide going to come out on Saturday?  What in the world does Saban have them thinking?  What is going on in JPW's head?  Does Simeon plan on showing up tomorrow?  Is Rolando McClain actually going to play?  Now that Cardwell is playing right tackle, will JPW use the extra time to make good passes, or is he past the point of no return?  If JPW fails miserably in the first half, will Saban's pride and stubborness take a hit, forcing him to play McElroy or (supposedly injured) Fanuzzi?  Is DJ Mary Jane Hall going to play for his draft status, or will he disappear?  Will Marcus Carter suprise us all and make a game-changing play?  But most importantly---will the Bama boys come out pissed off, with fire in their veins, tired of the losing streak, with the ULM debacle and Siran Stacy's tragedy fresh in their minds?

We shall see, folks.  We shall see.  Nobody can predict this game, so I'm not going to try.  Roll Tide Roll...let's hope Count Rugen isn't lurking in the stadium Saturday night.

Moving On...

I've had plenty of time to think about our loss to LSU.  Then our loss to Mississippi State.  Then our lost to MOTHER RAINBOW! Louisiana-Monroe.  The last one was inexcusable, though trust me, everyone on BamaOnline.com had excuses out the YANG.  Everything from John Parker Wilson caught his girlfriend cheating on him the night before (ooh, nice play on the girlfriend card; if this is even remotely true, then he's a bigger christmas tree! than I thought he was), to we're just full of a bunch of me-first players that can't work as a team (do you even have to work as a team to beat ULM?), to...I don't know, not having dolphin-safe tuna in the cafe.  Whatever anybody is holding on to, their knuckles are white with fury.

That being said...I'm over it.  I'm not a person who holds grudges, cuz I think life goes on and you move with it.  As I've said numerous times, I do like Coach Saban, I respect him, and I'm finally glad we have a proven winner as Head Coach of the University of Alabama.  The defensive back-oriented mindset is also a plus in my eyes.  I have faith---but that's only because I'm 30 years old and I've had my share of life's experiences.  The one thing we have to remember is that these 18-22 year olds don't know how valuable the principles he's teaching are at this moment in their lives, and as a matter of fact, some of them don't give a apple pie! Now, I honestly can't blame them, cuz I myself have a nature of going against the grain and questioning authority, and it's completely their right---that just means they won't play.

As for which players hold this line of thinking, astute fans may figure them out.  There are also rumors of a certain quarterback who may be injured and a certain quarterback who may be transferring after this year; WRs with a me-first attitude as evidenced by his post-game thoughts; a linebacker who is too lazy and another that is too slow to pick up gameplans and plays, etc.  It's basically just a clustershooting star! of bad attitudes, lazy work ethics, less-than-stellar talent (save a few), and the residual effects of having a laid back, friend-first coach in Mike Shula.  It's kind of like Coach Saban is Morgan Freeman in Lean On Me, that movie where he takes over as principal of an inner city school with a bunch of lawless thugs and baby's mamas in hopes of drastic changes, starting with the foundation of the way people think.  Wow...somehow that simile is right on point.

Anyway, let's just say that, to me, losing to ULM is kinda like my best friend fooling around with my girlfriend; I'll forgive him, but I won't forget it, and by God I'll bring it up whenever the heaven! I feel like it.  But for now, it's in the back of my mind and all my attention will now be on the Auburn Tigers, or the War Eagles, or Cringer/Battlecat, or whatever other mascot they have...the Auburn Toilet-Paper-Covered Trees, whatever.  I ask all those fans who are still steaming on our last game to move forward with me, and hope to God we can put it all together to avoid AU's win streak bumped to six. The last thing I wanna see is Count Rugen in the stands holding up the six-fingered hand that killed Inigo Montoya's father...I mean, chances are he's an Auburn fan just for this occasion.

Oh, I almost forgot, Walter and I tied in Pick Em last week, going 6-4.  That's four straight weeks I've made you skittles! money, and by the end of the season I expect HUGE dividends to be paid in full...visits from Kate Beckinsale, weekends in a Porsche 911 Turbo, cruises to the Bahamas, you know, real hush hush stuff that for some reason I'm putting in print.  Alas, a boy can dream.

Speaking of that, what are the chances Saban and Steele can get TJ Bryant to sign on the dotted line??

What's Your Excuse Now?

Well well well, the more things change, the more they stay the same.  Let me just repeat what I said for Mississippi State and get on with it: we won pretty much everything statwise, we got stuffed up the middle (again, Terry Grant up the middle), and our quarterback made two bonehead plays (again, Wilson threw two picks).

And for those clamoring to argue with me, I'm way ahead of you.  "But that second interception was not his fault, it was tipped."

Okay, let me see if I have this right.  In the game of football, the center begins with the ball, yes no?  Once the quarterback says hike, the center exchanges the ball FROM his possession TO the quarterback's possession, correct?  Once that happens, it's the quarterback's goal to throw the ball, using a forward motion, to a receiver with the same color jersey on, right?  So---you know, just for argument's sake---if he throws the ball, and a player from another jersey touches it first, it's somehow not his fault?  Ohhhh okay, you must be using crazy woman logic, cuz I sure as hell don't understand how JPW can't be blamed for a tipped interception.  Who else threw that ball?  Mr. Eye Black, and nobody else.  By the way, if "crazy woman logic" insulted you, you must be the crazy woman I speak of.  Kinda like those women that get offended when rappers call certain women "bitches and hos"...he's talking about YOU.

Moving on, let me use man logic here and say, as I did above, that John Parker Wilson threw two interceptions.  Coach Saban said JPW worked the hardest he's seen anybody work this week in preparation for this game.  Well good for him, congratulations.  I'm pretty damned sure 12 year old Johnny P. Rocketman of the Special Olympics protrudes his bottom lip with concentration, clenches his fists, and runs as hard as he can in preparation for his races.  Do you see the corollary?  I DO!!

"But Joker, what about Jimmy Johns fumbling in their territory?"  What about it?  Wasn't it a 2nd and 1?  Didn't he get the yardage needed before he fumbled, unlike Terry Grant in short yardage situations?  Could it be he fumbled because his coach hasn't let him play running back for *cuss word* this season?  Or could it also be because Glen Coffee would have been used, but is still being suspended for the mysterious textbook violations?  Y'all can point and yell at Jimmy Johns all day, but averaging 8.5 yards a carry and the odds of REALITY would have me believe he wasn't going to fumble anymore.  Now this is where it starts moving into factual evidence that Saban plays favorites.

Glen Coffee fumbled THREE times before Saban took him out of a game earlier this year, I forget which one.

Jimmy Johns fumbled ONCE and was never to be seen again, even in short yardage situations.

And what do we do in those short yardage situations?  We run Terry Grant, a scat back/slasher, up the middle on 3rd and 2.  Outcome?  NO GAIN.

Repeat for 4th and 2.  Outcome?  NO GAIN, TURNOVER.

Where the hell is the learning by experience quotient here?  Or do we just skip by that cuz we're letting Saban use the Cliff's notes version this year?  The LAST GAME WE PLAYED showed us Terry Grant is not a short yardage back.  Why...WHY...do we continue to bloody our fists punching the same wall again and again?  Somebody take Saban's hand off the stove, look him dead in the eyes, and say "NO!"

All these questions that usually we let slide as the season goes on are overwhelmingly present this late in the year, in no particular order:

1. Coffee fumbles, you keep him in.
2. Johns fumbles, you bench him.
2a.  Why let Johns play this late in the season?
2b.  If this is your policy, why no change at quarterback?
3. You inSIST on keeping Capps at right tackle.
4. You inSIST on playing John Parker Wilson the entire game, every game, except the first.
5. You inSIST on starting Marcus Carter, who as a SAFETY, has no coverage skills and is a terrible tackler in the open field (he has a Herculean TWO passes defensed this year).
6. You have, on a consistent basis, switched out damn near every position on the field other than Andre Smith (understandable), Rashad Johnson (understandable), and John Parker Wilson (WTF).

Hey, tell me something...when is it Saban's fault?  I like the guy, I really really do and I have much respect, admiration, and trust in him.  But the facts remain that he is deflecting blame and being as stubborn as a man can get this season.  He'll say stuff like "I could tell in practice this week we were going to lose no matter who we played".  Dude....WHAT?!?!  Then get your *cuss word* *cuss word* out there and motivate your *cuss word* players to come out and play like REAL MEN.  What the *cuss word* are we paying you $4 M-I-L-L-I-O-N dollars a year for if you can't get your players up enough to beat Louisiana-Monroe?  On Senior Day?  At home?  With 93,000 fans?  To a team that lost to Middle Tennessee State and North Texas?!  You honestly can't beat them?  Let me guess, the process takes a while?  They aren't your hand-picked players?  The seniors didn't show leadership?  Your sparkling Mercedes didn't warm up your seats before you got in it today, setting off an irritating mood that trickled down through your team??

Should I mention the fact that DJ Hall was suspended for the game today?  ...Uuuuntil we needed him in the second half, and he played for the remainder of the game?  Nah, Nick Saban doesn't have favorites.  Just another off-base assumption of mine, I guess.

Saban admitted today, twice I believe, that our quarterback has lost confidence.  Hmmmmmm, let me think really long and hard on that one.  A quarterback, who before this game was the 99th most efficient passer in the nation, and has a penchant for blowing games even on his good days, has lost confidence---and you KNEW about it---and yet you purposely don't try another player.  Tell me, in my rational, common sense world that I live in, how that can occur?  Will your head explode if Wilson gets hurt...or are we just going to forfeit the game?

So who are the other players, as if they matter?  Nick Fanuzzi and Greg McElroy.  Ok, who are their most notable courters when being recruited?  For Nick, Hawaii.  For Greg, he DE-COMMITTED FROM TEXAS TECH.  So Hawaii and Texas Tech wanted our two backup quarterbacks.  Can we have a career comparison please, Joker?

Colt Brennan - Hawaii - SR - 13,066 pass, 121 TDs/576 rush, 14 TDs
Graham Harrell - Texas Tech - JR - 10,275 pass, 86 TDs/ 6 rush TDs
John Parker Wilson - Alabama - JR - 5282 pass, 34 TDs/ 5 rush TDs

Now I know you're saying Come on now, that's not a fair comparison.  Hey, I'm just showing you that two of the most prolific passing schools in the nation, EVER, recruited our backups...and our coach REFUSES to put them in game situations.  Now some of y'all may be fine with that, chalking it up to him being Jesus in Khaki Pants and whatever he says is gospel, or you can, as your duty as a fan, question why we don't get to see an OUNCE of something different in the one position, that's struggling, that we haven't changed yet. 

Again, if you'll notice, I'm not dogging John Parker Wilson, though he sure deserves it.  While Saban is questioning his team's leadership, I'm simply questioning the leader of our team.

But hey, like I said in the last JPW article: fuggit, it's too late anyway.  God what a great feeling, huh?

*This post edited for flavor words*

P.S.---The BALLBREAKER, the piece de resistance---if our quarterback is going to make mistakes anyway...now stay with me here...why aren't we letting the younger, more talented, better-trained kids make the mistakes as part of their learning process, in turn developing the kind of player we are looking for?  They have another three years to be prepared and trained, and we'll have more than one option next year as Star Jackson redshirts and learns the system...?

No?

Too obvious?

Ok, my bad.  As you were.  Losing.

Things We Need to Know: Louisiana-Monroe

Think about it.  Southern bangs = gets into your eyes.  Believe me, I've had 'em so long I could suck on my hair during class.  Just think how many random hairs get into his eyes when his helmet squishes down on his head.  Instead of JPW's internal dialog sounding like this:

"Receiver, defender, hair, hair, defender..."

...just cut the damn bangs and it'll sound like this:

"Receiver, receiver, receiver...sweet, touchdown me.  God I'm gettin' laid tonight."

Problem effing solved.

Aaaanyway, things we need to know about Saturday's game, other than it's not even on friggin pay-per-view:

Location: Monroe, Louisiana (ya don't say?)

Mascot: Warhawks, winning over Bayou Gators and Bayou Hawks (not kidding)

Mascot Name: "Ace"

Conference: Sun Belt

Record: 4-6

Key Player: Calvin Dawson, HB---125.7 rush yards per game and 11 TDs

Notable Opponents: Tulsa, Clemson, Texas A&M (all losses)

Most Famous Alumnus: Tim McGraw

BoDogLife.com Matchup with the Crimson Tide:

UL.MON		TEAM		ALAB
24.4		PTS FOR		29.8
30.7		PTS AGNST		22.4
-6.3		DIFF.		7.4
186.0		PASS YDS		230.4
219.1		RUSH YDS		153.3
264.4		PASS D		227.7
149.9		RUSH D		125.3
0.3		TO DIFF		-0.8

Things to look out for:

They apparently run the shit out of the ball, with good results.  Of the three notable opponents, Calvin Dawson has rushed for over 120 yards in each of them.  They also lead us in turnover differential, but that's mainly due to a slightly retarded player who loves his eye black (I keed, I keed...mainly cuz you're all we've got this year, Jessica).

So it looks like a winnable game, but not quite the "sit back and shoot the shit with your friends" kind of game, especially with Dawson toting the rock.  I say, provided we don't muck it up, we come away with one of two choices: an easy win cuz everyone is firing on all cylinders in preparation for next week at Auburn, something like 42-17...or...we don't play at the level necessary to maintain a comfortable lead, a turnover here or there hurts us, and we live to see another day, 37-27.  Either way, let's just hope we win the damn ballgame so we can concentrate on the Tigers who, just like almost everyone else, has a bye week before they play us.

Game MVP - Simeon Castille, cuz lord knows he's due.  Wake up, young fella, you have a big game next week.

P.S.---There have been rumblings of Greg McElroy playing and/or starting this game, though I don't know the validity of either.  Should be very interesting if true.

The State of Alabama is Crimson...

...and by God, we're hemmorhaging.

No, I’m not saying the sky is falling.  What I am saying, after suffering through a terrible 2006 season, seeing us lose to Mississippi State (again) was the hardest game I’ve had to deal with in a while.  It just feels differently after this loss.  We can argue this a few different ways:

Look, it’s going to take Saban time; remember, it’s “the process”---reply: for $4 million a year, you better beat the SHIT out of inferior opponents.  Bear Bryant never imagined that kind of money, yet it was said about him that "he could take his team and beat your team, then take your team and beat his".  Yet...Saban lost with the better team.  Please, people---marinate.

Look, Saban is using almost all of Mike Shula’s players---reply: they’re still better than Croom’s players.

Look, our OLine is taking a hit because of the textbook dilemma---reply: how many coaching staffs are we going to put up with that continue to put Chris Capps at right fucking tackle?!  Has there not been enough rampant evidence that the kid is not made to play right tackle?  How many sacks should he enable before we say “well…maybe we should try something else" ???

Look, John Parker Wilson is our only option---you know what?  No he’s fucking not.

Look, you think you know more than our coaching staff?---you know what?  Yes.  Saban said it himself, he doesn’t care what happened in the past, what the players do now determine their playing time.  Which means he doesn’t know, nor does he care, what JPW did in the past.  While Saban was coaching the Miami Dolphins, I was in Huntsville, Alabama, watching the Crimson Tide play on Saturdays.  I FUCKING KNOW, AND I FUCKING CARE, WHAT JOHN PARKER WILSON DID IN THE PAST.  Wanna know why?  CUZ HE‘S PULLING THE SAME SHIT THIS YEAR.

Look, Greg McElroy and Nick Fanuzzi are freshmen.  If they would do any better, Saban would have them in there---BULLSHIT.  You are telling me Greg McElroy, a class 5A Texas state championship quarterback, who passed for 4600 yards and 56 touchdowns his senior year, in a division with great players, can’t do better than 16-34 (47% completion rate), 132 yards, 0 TDs, and 2 INTs against Starkville State???  With Saban acknowledging we had receivers wide open the whole game?

Look…no, he couldn’t do better---ok, say McElroy had that same statline, but he threw the ball away before the half like a smart QB would do.  No, like a non-comatose QB would do.  That equates to one less interception, 7 points subtracted from the Bulldogs, and 3 points added on to Bama’s score, meaning we would go into half in complete control, 12-3.  What do you have now?

Look, you can’t just say McElroy wouldn’t have thrown that---Well, you can’t say that he would.

And that is the predicament we as Tide fans are in going into the practice week versus Louisiana-Monroe.  I think the vast majority of fans have given JPW the benefit of the doubt this year, and have learned to roll with the punches (more like blinding uppercuts).  But you know what?  At least our opposition down on the Plains have seen what their backup can do in real situations in real games, and have decided to stick with the veteran/grandfather Brandon Cox.  We, as fans, are FORCED to blindly have faith in our coaching staff that McElroy and Fanuzzi are SOOOOO BAD that we don’t even wanna see what kind of mistakes they’d make.  Well guess what, Coach?  We’ve suffered through:

Andrew “I can pass it 10 feet over my guys, watch!” Zow
Tyler “I know my guy’s open, but I’d really rather tuck and run” Watts
Brodie “Watch how hard I can nail the invisible guy behind my man” Croyle
Brian “Boy this ball is slip…uh oh!” Burgdorf
Spencer “I’m so bad, I make my cousin Chad look good” Pennington
And let’s not forget, Brandon “What. The hell.  Am I doing out here” Avalos

My point being, we’re used to struggling, if not inept QB play.  But not even giving your backups a WHIFF of a chance, and signing a 4 star player like Star Jackson to come in next year…something’s amiss.

I’l leave it at that.

MSU > AUB, UAB, and now UA

Sylvester Smugass Croom, who is hellbent on making the University of Alabama pay for passing over him as a suitable head coaching candidate, is 3-0 against Alabama teams this year.  Walter Cherepinsky asked me why MSU is good all of a sudden.  I replied that they went back to the basics of hard-nosed SEC football.  They pound the rock and play solid defense.  Couple that with an opposing quarterback who can't make multiple reads or audible, and you seemingly have an automatic win.  Don't know about the UAB QB situation, but that sure as hell sums up Brandon Cox and John Parker Wilson.

Today was sad.  Today was pathetic.  Today was the most irritating game of the year for me.  The only Alabama players who showed up to play were Ezekial Knight and Rashad Johnson.  Unfortunately football requires 20 more players on offense and defense.

I could get into a long diatribe about how we do this and how we don't do that, but today's loss was pretty simple to understand.  I'll lay it out in a quaint, well-informed manner so as not to confuse the clear problem today:

Bama’s 1^st quarter numbers----23 rush yards, 0 pass yards.   No words.
            Halftime numbers----49 rush yards, 68 pass yards.  117 yards…
            End game numbers----159 rush yards, 132 pass yards.  291 total yards.

Yet we held State to 124 rushing and 99 passing yards.

We had 6 more first downs that MSU.

We had 68 more total yards than MSU, meaning we held them to only 223 total yards for the game.

MSU punted 3 more times than we did.  Fitzgerald averaged 46 yards per punt!!!

MSU had 5 more penalties for 50 more yards than us.

Though it didn’t look like it, we won the sack battle, 2 to 1.

Sooo…where do we place the blame?

I’m not pointing the finger at anyone, but take a look at this statline---

16-35, 132 yards.  3.8 yards per attempt.  Passing the ball we AVERAGED less than four yards per attempt.  My piss stream is longer than that.

Two interceptions, one that gave the other team an automatic 7 points.  Though he had 35 attempts, John Parker Wilson  managed to throw the ball away 358 times.

Polish off a great day with a sack to end the game...from the guy that was in our backfield causing havoc all day that we refused to double, Titus Brown.  God we're brilliant.

That is my professional summation of the game today in Starkville.  I will now leave you with unprofessional, angst-ridden notes I wrote during the game:

• Apparently Matt Cadell knows how to catch the ball and squat in holes in zone coverage this year.  In other words, Nick Saban’s left nut knows more about football than Mike Shula.  Yeah yeah, all you Shula loyalists keep defending him all you want.  Hey, I hear they’re having a yard sale on gold chains, star wars shirts, and ‘deer in headlights’ pictures today at his house.
• We haven’t scored a touchdown against Miss State since 2004.  Pathetic.
• Text from El Matteo---“I have never in my life seen a QB throw it away three times in a row.  Thanks JP!”
• Lincoln Financial is absolutely HORRIBLE.  As if camera shots in real time NOT showing the play wasn’t bad enough, they even have wrong camera shots in INSTANT FUCKING REPLAY.  The screen resolution is as clear as RuPaul’s sexuality, the commentators’ eye for detail consists of “did they just…well I’m not sure”…for god’s sake, can somebody with deep pockets buy them out and produce a quality show?  This is the SEC here, not the Northern Alabama Softball League.  I don’t care if it’s the Monopoly guy, someone make a change.  I swear, the minute I wrote this, they said “let’s go down to ___ on the sidelines”; meanwhile, after an awkward moment of silence they say “oook, we’ll try again later.”  Sigh.
• Who is Mississippi State’s best defensive player?  Titus Brown.  Who has consistently been in our backfield all day?  Titus Brown.  PLEASE EXPLAIN THIS TO ME, PLEASE.  FUCKING PLEASE EXPLAIN THIS.  Why, after 1^st and goal they stop the run up the middle…2^nd and goal they stop the run up the middle…why, on god’s green earth, would you a) transparently run a goddamn bootleg and b) do it TOWARDS TITUS BROWN and c) just, eh, throw it up for grabs?!  I defy you to find another player in college football who turns it over in worse situations than John Parker Wilson.  Find me one.  You can’t.  I don’t think there is a worse feeling than being within spitting distance of a touchdown and by being just plain fucking STUPID, letting the other team get 7 points instead, even though it’s 100 yards away.  "But but but John Parker's eye black...." Shut up!  JPW’s Florida State fumble near the end zone and JPW’s LSU fumble near the end zone don’t compare to this one in terms of sheer mental anguish.  I told you I was feeling crappy earlier?  Well now I have a sore fucking throat cuz I previously yelled out what I just wrote while pacing around the basement.  What’s worse than everything I just said?  If the Bulldogs win (again), tomorrow’s paper will quote Croom as saying “You gotta credit our defense for making big plays” as if they had control over JPW’s stupidity.  Don’t give that smug SOB the satisfaction.  He has, numerous times, condemned Bama’s team, coaching staff, and administration because he got jilted out of a job.  Oh fucking well, I’m sorry we didn’t feel the pressure from the race card to hire you as our head coach.  Instead, you beating us last year helped us sign a proven winner with a national championship ring to show for it.  A coach who, thankfully, is a lot calmer than I am.  Let’s hope my second half writing is nicer than this shithole of a first half.

Needless to say, the second half wasn't much better.  I'm tired of writing about how crappy we are, yes I know it's only one game and blah blah we have a good future, but I'm living in the now, and the now blows ass.  I'm getting a beer.  Enjoy the weekend, boys and girls.

LSU 41 BAMA 34

 

I want a gymnast girlfriend.  Missy Peregrym here played one in “Stick It”, some chick flick a couple years ago.  So I guess what I’m saying is I want Missy Peregrym.

Callahan/Franchione – Karma.  F*ck you both, you get what’s coming to you.

Most of Alabama’s weaknesses were exposed, that’s why LSU still managed to win after all those penalties.

JPW – Ball control, can’t look off safeties, can’t audible, can’t make more than one read

TG – It’s obviously not all his fault, but over the year I’ve noticed he doesn’t have quick feet/COD skills, and they get worse at speed.

Arenas – As a corner, he has work to do.  Putting him out there in the line of fire was risky, considering his lack of experience and that Lionel Mitchell has played decently this year.

Carter – Jesus.  Again, I like all my Bama boys, but this guy is our obvious weakness on defense.  Yet somehow Saban and Steele manage to get by pretty well regardless.  What’s the point of having a safety who can’t play the pass?  Please tell me?  Overcommits?  Average speed?  It’s quite obvious we’re lacking depth at safety

Fitzgerald – I will show NO mercy on kickers and punters, as I have experience kicking balls for thirteen years. And soccer balls, too, ANGRY ZING!! Sure soccer is a different sport, but I’ll be gotdamned if I can’t walk out on the street and punt one 40 yards right now at 1am at night with stiff legs and a full belly.  For the record, if I did that, it would be 7 yards more than what PJ averaged Saturday night.  ABSOLUTELY PATHETIC.  Grow a fucking sac and kick like a real man.  I’m all of 160 lbs and I’d boom that MFer.  Apparently nobody on the campus at Alabama has a stronger leg than a 32.9 yard average.  It’s little things like this that can NOT be overlooked in a game like LSU.  By the way, while you’re NOT working out or perfecting your technique, try not getting rid of it faster, too.  My grandfather’s legs move faster than yours and he died two years ago.  Love you, gramps.

Run Defense – For some reason, Miles aborted the running game.  I have no idea why when Hester kept dragging us for five yards.  Since he did that, our run D looked pretty darn good.

Pass Defense – Lord have mercy.  If you read my blog at all, you’ve heard me say it.  Simeon is great on an island if we’re talking within 20 yards.  After that he’s toast because a) he simply does not have the speed to run with SEC receivers and b) his “safety valve” is Marcus Carter.  Yeah, good luck with that.  Kareem Jackson also had his fair share of trouble locating the ball.  KJ, we all love you, but when your man turns to look, YOU TURN TO LOOK!!  Back to Carter, did Doucet break your ankles on that cutback, or were you wearing roller skates?  And to Rashad Johnson---THANK YOU.  You have far exceeded my expectations, you’re probably leading the SEC in interceptions, and you definitely have scouts looking at you now.  You play centerfield quite well, and I’m glad to have you back there.

To be honest, Les Miles did absolutely nothing for me to get mad about.  Although I haven’t listened to his post-game comments.  He probably pulled a piano from under his hat and started playing Born on the Bayou for all I know.

Let’s get to a happier subject:  70% last week, 80% this week?  STFU.  I rule, you drool.  If Walter was in charge, I’d be 6-2-2 this week.  Since I’m in charge, I’m 8-2, cuz I accept pushes as wins.  Whatever, either way  I won the  Pick ‘Em Off again for this week.  But Walter over at Walter Football is a smart guy, and his 5-4-1 picks this week still keeps him in the black.  We’ll see if I’m just lucky or if I completely bomb next week.  But what really matters is, I won all sorts of Kate Beckinsales this week, which means another pic.

That’s all I got for now.  Apologies for the stream-of-consciousness writing and therefore the sloppy layout, but it’s late and that game took its toll on me.  Congratulations to LSU, you were the better team.   I know Bama fans have some comments, so let’s hear em.  ‘Til then, my friends.

What I'm Really Thinking

Ok, so all the pictures and videos this week are funny, some even awesome, like this...

Chevis Jackson



Jafar

...which is especially awesome for me considering I like Jafar so much I named my dog after him, not to mention I enjoy watching Chevis Jackson play.

But I digress, it's time to get serious, cuz this is a serious game with serious consequences.  The winner sits atop the SEC West and drives its own destiny limo.  The loser loses and people laugh and point and make fun.  We don't wanna be that team.  Leads to yucky feelings.

So without further ado, let's have a position battle:

QB - Matt Flynn vs John Parker Wilson - I always catch myself thinking Flynn is a pretty good quarterback, when he's really not.  I'm not dogging the guy, but 1200 yards and 8 TDs with 5 INTs...well, sucks.  Seriously, you play for LSU, you Matt Damon-ish douche.  You should just be lobbing balls up to Doucet and LaFell every game.  But you don't, cuz you're too busy wishing you were Ben Affleck.  Point to JPW, advantage BAMA.

RB - Jacob Hester vs Terry Grant - For all us white boys out there, we're pretty damn impressed with Jacob Hester.  I mean, let's be honest, all my friends are billy badasses at football, but we chose not to play at the collegiate level.  I think one of us has asthma, another's religion won't let him play, you know, whatever.  But seeing a white running back in a position dominated by the brothers is kinda cool.  It's like seeing a white cornerback...before he gets smoked.  Think Jason Sehorn before he collapsed into a flaming pile of douche.  But Hester is good---really good.  He's tough as nails and grabs another two to three yards after the tackle.  Terry Grant is the exact opposite, being a quick, elusive back with a decent break tackle and speed to burn.  They both block well in the passing game, too, so I'm going to have to call this a draw.  PUSH.

WR - Early "Not Late" Doucet vs DJ "Jazzy Jeff" Hall - Doucet's faster, DJ runs more precise routes.  DJ probably has better hands, and Doucet is better after the catch.  But they both can break open a game with their playmaking skills, so those by themselves are a push.  LaFell has proven to be a heckuva replacement while Doucet was out, racking up 30 receptions on the season.  Mike McCoy is more of a possession receiver with a  big body to shield from opponents.  I'd give the edge to LaFell considering his ability to rack up the YAC.  But after that, we've got more depth with Keith "I'm Wasting All-World Talent" Brown and Ohhh Nikita "You'll Never Know" Stover, who can come in on any down and make the play (assuming KB's head is on straight).  I'll lump tight ends in here as well, which are pretty much even.  There are too many variables here to see any advantage. PUSH.

OL - LSU's run blocking is pretty damn good from what I've seen, and I don't recall Flynn or Perrilloux getting 'jacked up' in the passing game, but I can't see them being better than us.  Even with Antoine Caldwell out against UT with the whole textbook "thing", we dominated Tennessee like me in backyard football.  Our only true weakness is right tackle, but after last year with Chris Capps, Mike Johnson is playing the position like a God.  No offense to Capps cuz you're a Bama boy, but you blew ass.  Helen Keller would have at least felt around for a block.  Advantage BAMA.

DL - Let's just say Glenn Dorsey's left buttock would start for us.  We have 14 sacks as a team, which actually isn't that bad compared to last year.  And believe it or not, Wallace Gilberry and Glenn Dorsey have the same amount of sacks.  But let's be honest, Gil is a DE and can go around blocks; Dorsey is a DT and has to work through double teams and fullbacks/tailbacks every down.  Not to mention LSU as a team has 22 sacks, so clearly they have the edge here.  Advantage LSU.

LB - We're too young at linebacker, Darren Mustin notwithstanding, to win this category.  We'll be stacked there in the near future, but right now we have a true freshman in Rolando McClain and a true sophomore in Prince Hall learning the game and getting by on talent and athleticism, teaming up with Mustin's experience.  Put all those things into one, and you have Ali Highsmith for LSU.  With all the national attention on Dorsey, Highsmith is overlooked, which is pathetic.  This guy is one of, if not THE best linebacker in the nation.  A 6'1, 225 lb senior with veteran experience, he's agile and very fast.  He's not used in coverage very much, but he'll hunt you down sideline to sideline.  To be honest, Asshat Miles doesn't use him to his fullest ability.  Darry Beckwith is another legit 'backer, but Luke Sanders is the weakest link on LSU's defense (re: big, slow white guy).  Ali Highsmith is good enough to almost win this category by himself.  Almost.  The silver lining here for Bama being Ezekial Knight, a freakish athlete who has played DE, TE, WR, and now the Jack position, Saban's DE/LB hybrid.  He's starting to come into his own and get a feel for this position, and he evens up Bama with LSU at linebacker. PUSH.

DB - Ahhh, my specialty.  If this were the beginning months of the season, I would say LSU without a doubt and not think twice.  But lately LSU's dominant secondary has shown weaknesses in coverage while Bama's DBs are playing inspired ball.  The fact of the matter is, each cornerback and safety for each team brings their own certain abilities to the table here.  It's not like you have two this and two that.  Every player is different.  For instance, if I were Les Miles/Bo Pelini, I would matchup Jonathan Zenon with DJ Hall.  Zenon's more of a glide and cover corner who can run step for step with Hall.  Chevis Jackson, on the other hand, is more physical and more emotional on the field; I could see DJ getting into his head and possibly altering his performance.  Stick Jackson on McCoy or Brown and let him beat up on the kid he knows he is better than.  Steltz is like a ballhawk and fourth linebacker in one, leading the team in tackles and interceptions and is "that guy" who always seems to be in the right position (think Darren Sharper).  Curtis Taylor rounds out LSU's secondary with a big body who can hurt you when he tackles.

As for Bama's players, let's start with Kareem Jackson.  This true freshman has shown Bama fans what he's capable of all year, and he finally put it in the stat column two weeks ago with two interceptions against Tennessee, one of which was a beautiful site to see.  He's got a lot---the speed, the quickness, the hip turn, the quick feet, and now the coverage skills---but he has happy feet and can lose the ball sometimes.  He's our best cover corner, though I'm not so sure he's up to the task of defending a veteran like Early Doucet.  If I were Saban, I'd be rich.  After that, if I were Saban, I'd switch from Jackson to Simeon Castille every  now and then.  Simeon is a good cornerback on an island, he's just horrible in the slot.  He would also beat up Doucet a bit, as he's very physical.  Rashad Johnson needs to play centerfield most of the game considering Marcus Carter is only adept in run support.  All that beings said, and even though Bama has improved this year, LSU still has supreme athletes in their secondary. EDGE LSU.

Wildcard - That little speedy gonzalez bastard, Trindon Holliday, can turn the game around in a split freakin' second.  I remember watching an early LSU game this year, and the kid took an end-around into the end zone so fast I got up out of my seat.  The speed is unbelievable with this kid, and what's worse, he's like 4'3", so you can't find him even if you could catch him.

I suppose you could also say Coach Miles is a wildcard as well.  There's no telling what this guy is going to do.  He might punt on third down just to show Saban he doesn't give a DAMN.  He might go for it on 4th down from his own 3 yard line.  Saban has to prepare for the whole Three Ring Circus, cuz it and its lunatic carnies are coming to town.  I'm trying to stay realistic with my prediction, but I can't help but think we'll be prepared with help from the bye week.  24-23 Alabama.  Please God let that happen.

I leave you with this video.  I think the song is appropriate, and if it pumps me up, maybe it'll pump some of y'all up as well.  Viva La Tide.