So I'm starting to realize that most of the people who use online dating services are mutants. For example, facial features that resemble their mother, who is in her 60s, who has smoked 2 packs a day her entire life. Pictures OF pictures - think about that - because they probably live in a trailer and signed up on this site using her friend's computer. A fivehead that curves into a no-chin. A smile that just doesn't fit her face. And I'm not talking Julia Roberts here, I'm talking...well, you know. And even a "girl" named Jennifer who I swear could whoop my ass. She's built like that red monster who chases Bugs Bunny around. Those estrogen pills clearly aren't helping, "Jen", so save your money for a MANicure:
Seriously, I'm trying to keep an open mind here, but with all these chromosome-deficient monsters looking for love, bass in your face means peace see ya later, nawmean? And what is with these self-pictures in the car?? What triggers "holy shit! I've got to take a picture now!" when you sit in your seat? So to balance out all this weirdness and the "hell no's", I'm trying to send out a few more winks and icebreakers and whatever the hell else to establish that first move. At this point, there has only been one reciprocated wink between me and someone not related to Tard the Wet Sprocket, so make that one official email to someone interested. And so far Match.com is still dominating; it seems like Chemistry and E-Harmony allow more profiles to withhold pictures of themselves until whenever they "feel comfortable" or some shit. Well you know what, when I wake up in the middle of the night and roll over, I don't want to scream in horror at the alien life form I courted just because she had a great personality. There's a reason we have eyes, people.
While we're on the subject, my eyes and my brain have had conversations about women many times. The three of us spoke over a Krystal's Scrambler this morning, and this is who we feel Joker's (that's me) ideal woman would be. Keep in mind...I really don't know the source of some of these traits/factors, but they're there somehow:
- Dark brown or black hair, long and straight
- 5'7"
- Green eyes
- Great legs
- Has an attitude (some might say "bitch")
- Loves animals
- Looks hot when she's pensive
- I feel lucky to have her
- Gives me my freedom (guy time)
- I can spot her instantly in a crowded room
- Either comes from or lives in Florida
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Now over the years my closest friends would know most of that stuff. The last one is a head-scratcher though, as I think it all stems from a meaningful (i.e. meaningless) rendezvous with a pretty girl in Florida when I was like 12. But apparently it has stuck with me since, so in order to find this collaboration, I will add another tributary to this online river of dreams. The leg part of course will prove to be difficult no matter what I'm searching for. If only there were a dating site with photos of nothing but legs. I know, I know, I'm sure that crazy shit is out there already.
Now granted, most of y'all reading this "know" me and how I roll, or at least how I write. I am a confident person - but I'm not trying to pretend I'm God's gift while I do this dating deal. Trust me, I'm not. I have straight teeth and I don't smell and all that obvious shit, but technically speaking: I'm a moley, balding, mean-ish cat who can be cold and a boring old man sometimes. I could stand to shave more often, clean my house up a little bit, and get out more. I'm plainly aware of who I am, who I portray, and what I look like. So in other words, if I can find someone attractive "to me", just as I might be attractive to them, then that's the gold nugget. I've dated many women who I think are beautiful, but others may just deem attractive, or even just "okay". I can live with that. I'm not dating for someone else, ya dig?
The one thing these sites CAN'T do for anyone though - the intangibles - matters. For one, pictures hardly do anyone justice. I could meet someone out at a bar, hit it off, then go to friend her on facebook and be like what the hell? Is that the same person? Not only that, what if I do find someone attractive, and five minutes into our dinner her laugh or her attitude is so repulsive she instantly turns into an ugly duckling? What does she smell like? Don't tell me that doesn't matter. True story:
Girl A always smelled good. Lotions, perfumes, shampoos...all good scents. Girl B didn't smell like anything, not even toothpaste. Both were attractive, they even had the same lovely name, but over time those odors started to matter. Girl A's car, her legs, her fucking elbows...I would snort whatever "body spray" she always put on. Girl B's car smelled terrible the moment I sat in it. It's like I opened the door and sat in a giant dried, sick mouth of a vehicle. She was like void of "girliness", so her plainness turned into bad body odor simply over time. The sex didn't help, either. Let's just assume she had no idea what a brazilian wax was. The front was fine, but flip that burger over and it was like lookin' at an asscrack of curly fries or something. At that point I was like:
POINT IS...these sites can only show you so much or let you communicate so long before you get to the time that matters. Seeing her, smelling her, hearing her, etc. You'd think "oh she seems cool" after so many emails, but sometimes - woo boy, would you be wrong. I just have to remember all this on my Tour of Booty.
So in conclusion: 1 - there really are monsters in real life, 2 - I've got a mini-search going on in Florida, 3 - I'm no Brad Pitt, but I don't want Angelina anyway, and 4 - Week 8 Thoughts is next on my agenda. Stay tuned, Bro Namaths.
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