The Joker Report

Online Update #2

So I'm starting to realize that most of the people who use online dating services are mutants.  For example, facial features that resemble their mother, who is in her 60s, who has smoked 2 packs a day her entire life.  Pictures OF pictures - think about that - because they probably live in a trailer and signed up on this site using her friend's computer.  A fivehead that curves into a no-chin.  A smile that just doesn't fit her face.  And I'm not talking Julia Roberts here, I'm talking...well, you know.  And even a "girl" named Jennifer who I swear could whoop my ass.  She's built like that red monster who chases Bugs Bunny around.  Those estrogen pills clearly aren't helping, "Jen", so save your money for a MANicure:

Seriously, I'm trying to keep an open mind here, but with all these chromosome-deficient monsters looking for love, bass in your face means peace see ya later, nawmean?  And what is with these self-pictures in the car??  What triggers "holy shit! I've got to take a picture now!" when you sit in your seat?  So to balance out all this weirdness and the "hell no's", I'm trying to send out a few more winks and icebreakers and whatever the hell else to establish that first move.  At this point, there has only been one reciprocated wink between me and someone not related to Tard the Wet Sprocket, so make that one official email to someone interested.  And so far Match.com is still dominating; it seems like Chemistry and E-Harmony allow more profiles to withhold pictures of themselves until whenever they "feel comfortable" or some shit.  Well you know what, when I wake up in the middle of the night and roll over, I don't want to scream in horror at the alien life form I courted just because she had a great personality.  There's a reason we have eyes, people. 

While we're on the subject, my eyes and my brain have had conversations about women many times.  The three of us spoke over a Krystal's Scrambler this morning, and this is who we feel Joker's (that's me) ideal woman would be.  Keep in mind...I really don't know the source of some of these traits/factors, but they're there somehow:

 

• Dark brown or black hair, long and straight

• 5'7"

• Green eyes

• Great legs

• Has an attitude (some might say "bitch")

• Loves animals

• Looks hot when she's pensive

• I feel lucky to have her

• Gives me my freedom (guy time)

• I can spot her instantly in a crowded room

• Either comes from or lives in Florida

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Now over the years my closest friends would know most of that stuff.  The last one is a head-scratcher though, as I think it all stems from a meaningful (i.e. meaningless) rendezvous with a pretty girl in Florida when I was like 12.  But apparently it has stuck with me since, so in order to find this collaboration, I will add another tributary to this online river of dreams.  The leg part of course will prove to be difficult no matter what I'm searching for.  If only there were a dating site with photos of nothing but legs.  I know, I know, I'm sure that crazy shit is out there already.

Now granted, most of y'all reading this "know" me and how I roll, or at least how I write.  I am a confident person - but I'm not trying to pretend I'm God's gift while I do this dating deal.  Trust me, I'm not.  I have straight teeth and I don't smell and all that obvious shit, but technically speaking: I'm a moley, balding, mean-ish cat who can be cold and a boring old man sometimes.  I could stand to shave more often, clean my house up a little bit, and get out more.  I'm plainly aware of who I am, who I portray, and what I look like.  So in other words, if I can find someone attractive "to me", just as I might be attractive to them, then that's the gold nugget.  I've dated many women who I think are beautiful, but others may just deem attractive, or even just "okay".  I can live with that.  I'm not dating for someone else, ya dig?

The one thing these sites CAN'T do for anyone though - the intangibles - matters.  For one, pictures hardly do anyone justice.  I could meet someone out at a bar, hit it off, then go to friend her on facebook and be like what the hell?  Is that the same person?  Not only that, what if I do find someone attractive, and five minutes into our dinner her laugh or her attitude is so repulsive she instantly turns into an ugly duckling?  What does she smell like?  Don't tell me that doesn't matter.  True story:

Girl A always smelled good.  Lotions, perfumes, shampoos...all good scents.  Girl B didn't smell like anything, not even toothpaste.  Both were attractive, they even had the same lovely name, but over time those odors started to matter.  Girl A's car, her legs, her fucking elbows...I would snort whatever "body spray" she always put on.  Girl B's car smelled terrible the moment I sat in it.  It's like I opened the door and sat in a giant dried, sick mouth of a vehicle.  She was like void of "girliness", so her plainness turned into bad body odor simply over time.  The sex didn't help, either.  Let's just assume she had no idea what a brazilian wax was.  The front was fine, but flip that burger over and it was like lookin' at an asscrack of curly fries or something.  At that point I was like:

POINT IS...these sites can only show you so much or let you communicate so long before you get to the time that matters.  Seeing her, smelling her, hearing her, etc.  You'd think "oh she seems cool" after so many emails, but sometimes - woo boy, would you be wrong.  I just have to remember all this on my Tour of Booty.

So in conclusion: 1 - there really are monsters in real life, 2 - I've got a mini-search going on in Florida, 3 - I'm no Brad Pitt, but I don't want Angelina anyway, and 4 - Week 8 Thoughts is next on my agenda.  Stay tuned, Bro Namaths.

Online Update #1

I'm in a good mood.  Why?  I'm taking this Friday off.  Why again?  As Ice Cube once eloquently quipped, "Bleep you, bleep, cuz I can."  If you just clicked on that link, it'll quickly take you back to high school and how ridiculously hard that song was - and it still is.  Natural Born Killaz is one of those songs you crank to 11, lean back in the drivers seat with a subconscious snarl on your face, and just scowl at people.  It just makes you angry...but like I said, I'm in a good mood, soooo moving on...

I know some of you rat bastards have been picking your nails waiting to hear how my online dating experience has gone so far.  Well not to burst anyone's bubble, but this "process" takes time.  I have to wade through the Shula players until I assemble a good lineup of Saban players.  And oh how many things I've remembered/learned just by perusing these sites:

1. If you see just one picture, then they're hiding something.
     A.  If that picture is a headshot, they're hiding their fat ass.
          a.  If they are wearing black in said picture, they're attempting to hide their fat ass.
     B.  If that picture is from far away, they're hiding their ugly mug.

2. This is a sell job, so the above should be expected.  But they still have to write.
     A.  Some of these bitches can't spell for shit.
     B.  Some of these bitches get right to the point - either money, sex, or marriage is their only agenda.
     C.  It's quite clear they all, for the most part, want the same thing; or at least, they all choose to say similar things:
           a.  "I'm looking for adventure."
           b.  "I just want a guy who is fun and knows how to treat a lady."
           c.  "My ideal vacation is the beach."  (ya don't say?)
     D.  If that see-through ish isn't bad enough, they then try to cater to what men want to hear:
           a.  "I love sports!"
           b.  "I'm very laid back/not a drama queen."  (bullshit)
           c.  "In my leisure time I work out or run."  (shyeah, and monkees. I can see your picture, Helga)
3.  The websites themselves are selling shit as much as the people signing up.
     A.  You don't really get to see or say anything if you don't pay money.
     B.  The more money you pay, the more options you have.
          a.  Subscribe if you want to send blah a message.
          b.  Pay only blah more per month if you want to know when blah reads your message.
          c.  Act now and only blah more than that to highlight your profile!
          d.  Not only that, if you pay blah extra, you can talk directly to them on the phone!
     C.  Match.com is a sister company to Chemistry.com and can transfer all your info.
          a.  If you pay for both services, of course.
4.  Back to the pictures, I've found it interesting that I usually have repeated reactions to most profiles:
     A.  "Hmm.  She's not bad."
     B.  "Not completely your type, but be fair man - who knows, she may turn out to be pretty cool."
     C.  "GOOOOOOSH!!!"  (for the record, not a good response)
     D.  "Mmm."  (usually when I see a "Joker girl")
     E.  "Oh hell no.  This thing really has no shot in life.  Man, I honestly feel bad for her."
     F.  "Don't concentrate on just the boobs, Joker.  That's her razor sharp hook."
     G.  And finally, "GotDAMN.  No way.  No way.  WAY too hot.  She can't seriously be looking online for love.  It's a scam...........ah fuggit, worth a try."

Now, a little bit about each site.  To be even across the board, I've sent one picture I like of myself, and another with my youngest dog Kain.  The former makes me look pretty good, the latter makes me look pretty sweet.  One I'm wearing a hat, one I'm not, so they can see my 66% "hair there" head - or conversely, my 33% "hair where?" head.  I'm not going to pretend this is still high school and I have gorgeous locks; you're setting yourself up for failure if you're not honest from the jump.  But as you'll see, some of these other women sure as hell still live in the land of make-believe.

MATCH.COM - Personally I like this one the best, as it's more "take a look around" and informal than the others, with a lot more members.  Yahoo Personals actually runs as Match.com, so that should give me plenty of options over the designated 3 month trial I decided on for each service.  The cost for Match.com's 3 months is also the cheapest at $59.97 total.

I keep changing my search options, but I may have found a good starting point to limit the number of results to something I can work with.  I did expand my range to 100 miles, so that picks up BIrmingham and Nashville - which means a lot more girls to sift through.  Yes, sift...sometimes it feels like work when you do this shit.

I've spoken with El Matteo on this lovely topic of online dating, and he said I should make some rules for this whole shindig.  I said aaaaight, I'll pick up rules as I go along.  My first rule is no contact, email or phone, for a week.  Which means, on Match, that you can only view a person's profile (and it will in turn tell them you did so) or you can "wink" at someone.  So as of today, I've given out 32 winks to women.  That may sound like a lot, but I've told myself to expand my horizons and not be so close minded.  Not to mention the fact that I've searched through hundreds of (if not bordering a thousand) women by now, so in hindsight 32 ain't that much.

But alas, I've already broken my rules.  I have emailed two women.  One was a Joker girl (who hasn't been active in 3 weeks), and one was a ridic girl in Vegas - you know, since I'll be heading that way next weekend.  It was humorous for the latter, but I doubt she falls for the redneck asking her to show us a good time in her home town.  Stats so far:

I've winked 32 times
Been winked at 6 times
33 people have viewed my profile 48 total times
2 emails sent
1 email received (no profile, could be spam)

The two positives so far is one of the winks given to me has potential - cute enough and she loves animals - and the one Joker girl I emailed was actually one of my 5 daily matches.  So let's hope she gets back to the dating trough to check out this here horse's ass.

CHEMISTRY.COM - Wow, I gotta speed this up or I'll be typing all day.  This cost me $99.96 for 3 months, so that extra $40 over Match better produce some results.  With Chemistry, your links on the page are: new matches, interested in you, you've been noticed, you may also like, and decide later.  The latter is the tough part, because I want to give some of these girls a chance, so I put them in the decide later part - Chemistry no likey that and will only allow for 5 profiles.  So you either click "I'm interested", "Decide later" (if under 5), or "Not really".  Guess who's clicked "not really" a bunch.  No real potential here unless the one profile I liked with no picture happens to produce an effing picture.  I'm not apologizing for it either - quasimodo had a good heart, too, ya know.  In other words, I have yet to click "Interested".

E-HARMONY.COM - Last but not least, the site where you can hear that old man on the commercials in your head just by saying it (kinda sounds like the Sargento's guy, right?).  The site that charges a whopping $137.85 for 3 months.  The site that asks you so many questions, you feel like it's an Advanced Statistics final, and you just start clicking 'C' just to get thru it.  I didn't get to E-Harmony as quickly as the others, so not much to say here yet.  I have 11 matches so har, 7 people have viewed my profile, 1 chick has asked me a standard "5 questions", etc.  I will say I'm interested enough in three people to send them "Icebreakers", of which you can select from a list of about 15.  I just click the "do you want to chat" Icebreaker, so we'll see if that leads us anywhere.

So 5 or 6 days into this thing, there has been no correspondence just yet.  Like I said above, not only am I waiting a week to email (save for those two), it's also a process, so once I start getting to know these girls, rules will be added to up the fun factor for me and for my readers.  Besides, my just randomly meeting a chick isn't all that fun, now is it?  Stay tuned for the carnage, friends.

Google AdSense and Dating Sites?!

Let me explain this site a little bit, for those who don't already know.  I am just some dude in Alabama who needed a way to vent about football, and somewhere along the way, I added other topics.  Actually, starting off, I was making a website to "showcase" my scouting skills on defensive backs, mainly cornerbacks, so I could get a job as an NCAA or NFL scout.  That is why I have the Player Profiles category.  But soon I realized the long road I had to hoe (snicker), and that I'd be away from my dogs/house/city almost constantly, so I said "fuuuck that" in my Southern drawl, and started talking about Alabama, then other teams, then adding hot women, then adding funny pictures, then adding music, etc.  Maybe along the way I could make some spare change through ads and banners and whatnot.  So I had Yardbarker shit and Google shit and whatever the hell else is on my page that I don't pay attention to.  Why don't I pay more attention to it?  Well, for one, I haven't gotten a check from Google, even though they owe me money.  It's not a big check or anything - I'm no Walterfootball.com, which dominates Google searches - but the fact remains it's money owed.  I haven't written them, emailed them, or called them yet, because over time I just didn't care about any money issues with this site.  The one constant that remains is that I've created a voice in cyberspace to put my opinions out there...and my friends' opinions, too, if they ever feel the need.  So basically, I've kept a well-written, sometimes funny, always entertaining site to give my readers something to think about and talk about during painful work weeks at their boring ass jobs.  So since I haven't received any payment for it, you'd think Google would correct that issue, right?  Just got this email:

Hello,

While reviewing your account, we noticed that you are currently displaying
Google ads in a manner that is not compliant with our policies. For
instance, we found violations of AdSense policies on pages such as
http://jokerreport.typepad.com/. Please note that this URL is an example
and that the same violations may exist on other pages of your website.

As stated in our program policies, AdSense publishers are not permitted to
place Google ads on pages with adult or mature content. In addition to
photos and videos which contain nudity or sexual activities, below are
some other examples of unacceptable content:

   * Lewd or provocative images
   * Crude or indecent language, including adult stories
   * Sexual tips or advice
   * Sexual fetish sites (e.g. foot fetish content)
   * Adult toys or products
   * Ads or links to external sites containing adult content
   * Adult links and/or adult keywords within the meta data in the source
code of your site



As a result, we have disabled ad serving to the site.

Sooo even though I have never once showed any nip, any bush, or any full on ass (that I remember), the Google AdSense team decide to not only NOT pay me - which is fine, that's clearly not my angle - but also they will now retract their ads from my site.  No big whoop when it all comes down to it, but it still feels like they walked up to my front yard and took a shit on my tulips.  If you know me at all, don't touch my fucking tulips.  My reply:

What does it matter?  You get free publicity from my page and have been for years, and you have yet to pay me a single penny.  In other words, go fuck yourself.

Sincerely,

The Joker Report

So my friends, there is proof I write for you and me, not for any money, and definitely not under any goddamn language rules.  You gotta be fucking kidding me: me=water and rules=oil.  In hindsight, I missed a great opportunity - I should have added "Here's $1.25" before "go fuck yourself".  Ah, you win some, you lose some.  Anyway, sure my email probably went straight to nowhere, considering it's one of those "no reply" deals; although considering my luck, it went straight to the google webmaster's inbox, and he has promptly erased any Joker Report data they had for me.  Ah well, time for Yahoo, MSN, Bing, Jeeves, and the hundred other search engines to step it up.  On to other topics...oh, and thanks to typepad.com for not having a single issue with me.  Respect is shown back with no full on nudity or any of that shit...although I've been asked on numerous occasions by horndog readers to spark it up a bit.  No dice, fellas.  You have options.

Complete 180 time.  If you missed the Army/Rutgers game, then you missed a sad story.  Eric LeGrand of Rutgers, playing on special teams, hit the ball carrier hard - but his head was low.  After all was said and done, he is now paralyzed from the neck down.  The video is here, and if you want to send some kind words his way, you can do so here.

Complete 180 again.  I told a couple buddies that I would join some online dating sites and record my "experiences" here on my blog.  If you're thinking hey wait, what does this have to do with football?, then I implore you to scroll up to the top left corner of this page.  And I quote: "A unique perspective on football---and whatever the hell else I want to talk about."  So, here 'goes.

I figured there are some guys out there in my position, and some in completely different situations, that could actually benefit from at least trying online dating.  I'm not talking literally "dating online", as I've done that before with umpteen girls (at least told them that), assuming one day we'd finally meet and everything would be peachy keen and all that crap.  No, I'm implying that a bunch of guys out there could reap some pretty decent rewards if they used some of these sites to their advantage.  I mean, think about it - is it possible to visit every city in say, North Alabama, on the one or two weekends that you have time to get out?  Well fuck no.  But you know there are some dime pieces out there, single for a long time, only to get scooped up by the Ricks of the world (awesome movie, by the way).  So if that's the case, what is the best opportunity, aside from stalking facebook once you get a first name, to put yourself into a good situation with a girl like that?  Exactly.  For some reason a decent amount of women aren't "afraid" to sign up for those sites, yet every guy I talk to (including me) is quick to reply "oh fuck them apples, bra.  No ma'am."  Well, consider this a science experiment, and yours truly is the frog.  Besides, I just turned 33 and I don't ever go out, which doesn't exactly help things.

Now granted I will probably see some random girls I already know - I won't pass judgment.  After all, women got to get their freak on, too.  Let's just hope these girls don't see my picture and expect to think I'm on the market for them, nawmean?  Cuz let's be honest, 90% of what you think about these sites might very well prove to be true - bucktoothed, spectacled, fivehead, wide-eyed, pyramid-shaped women who live on welfare and have 15 cats.  Not that there's anything wrong with that...actually, a lot is wrong with that, but hey, to each her own.  I can't wait to get a new message from one of those manatees...I'm just going to reply with the following:
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The problem I foresee is how to share info of each "prospect" with you, my readers.  I'm sure there are privacy issues, not to mention it's instant "well...bye" if they ever found out I shared any of their info or pictures.  So I guess I'll have to make it vague enough to where the shitheads on this site - you know who you are - don't go blabbing to friends in that city to find out who these people are.  After all, I call Huntsville a slightly bigger Dawson's Creek, cuz if anything happens, everyone will know it by the next morning.  But like I implied earlier, this isn't about finding a girl in my own city; I want to find that diamond in the rough who lives in Small Town USA before the "Ricks" get to her.  You know, that bangin' waitress from Hickville who will eventually end up with some 'neck in a jacked-up Silverado with a coondog named Cam, unless I start clicking and messaging on my little computation machine.

I'll probably start with Match.com, E-Harmony, and Chemistry.com.  If they each offer a 3 month membership, I'll try that.  Who knows, maybe something positive will happen from this.  Regardless, whether I get ass, a good girl, or have just a terrible experience, I will let all you lonely kids out there know if it's worth the trouble.  Wish me luck.

Oh, and here's a hot girl from the new 90210, Jessica Lowndes.  Don't know who she is or if that show is any good, but I know she's got some talented DNA.  I would bite a chunk out of that leg if I could get within striking distance.
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