I'd like to point out hits and misses to remind everyone how truly ignorant we all are once football season starts up again every August. Some boom motherfuckers:
-So Joker, Mr. Thinks He Knows Everything, do you agree with your Bama brethren about only losing to LSU, if even that? Does this mean all Bama fans were correct before the season even started??
-Comment from AUoptimo: So UAs defense this year will be better than 09? This years D certainly has similar talent, but the 09 D was one of the better defenses in college football history when all was said and done. Thats a pretty BOLD prediction, but you know a lot more than I do about the team.
-So what's the purpose of my discussion on Bama 2 years ago vs now? Well clearly, we "Bammers" have a good feeling about getting back to the SEC Championship, and hopefully to New Orleans as well. I've, sadly, never been to the Big Easy - and who else do you know who would like all those jokers and jesters all around town more than I would? Didn't go back to Vegas, didn't go to New Orleans, never visit the family beach condo...wtf is wrong with me?
-All that being said, do I think the 2011 defense will be better than the 2009 defense? Yes. I really do. Rolando McClain and Javier Arenas were vital elements in leadership and intelligence on the field. I truly believe, albeit in different ways, that Upshaw, Hightower, and Barron will have the same effect. Which is why it always goes back to what Nick Saban stresses the most - limit turnovers and finish. I think our defense will make up for our offensive mistakes (i.e. AJ/Phillip picks and Lacy fumbles), and I think the intangibles mentioned above will be the impetus to finish. Time will tell, and that time is now a week away.
-AUoptimo article: Most Auburn fans look at this season with optimism. It’s hard not to be optimistic with a super-talented coaching staff and a stockpile of young talent. Screw predicting the amount of wins AU will have this year, that crap is pointless. One thing is for sure, Auburn will take a big step back this year and SEC/BCS championships will be a distant memory by years end.
--Raj comment (An Auburn fan): it's easy to be optimistic about the unknown because you don't know how shitty it's going to really be. Not to say Auburn will be that bad... but that Alabama will be that good. A lot has been made about the two qb's. I dont think it matters since Alabama will never be down bad enough to need the QB to make world beater plays
-Even if he's only 90% of what he used to be, Hightower will be absolutely ridiculous this year. Rival fans slowly shake their heads, and fellow Bama fans may scratch their head and murmur ehh I dunno man, but I'm sitting here telling you Dont'a will be knocking folks out cold left and right. Team high 85 tackles, 14 for loss, 8 QB hurries, 3 pass breakups, 2 sacks, 1 interception, 1 forced fumble, and 1 blocked kick later...he may have played himself into the first round of the NFL Draft.
And some not-so-boom motherfuckers:
-Comment from AuJclayton: I think Sims will make people forget about McElroy by mid-season. His skills alone give him the oppurtunity to be one of the best QBs Alabama has EVER had.
-Comment from AuJclayton: And for all of the hype that bama's CBs are getting from all sorts of media outlets, I am not convinced.
-I didn't overdo it, saying we'll be #1 in everything defense...but that said, I do think Boise State will field the nations #1 total defense. Should have overdone it, eh?
-Optimo, Blake Sims will be our breakout star. He can play any position you put him, and do it well. McCarron is a good QB, but I think he'll be too risky for Saban down the line and Philip will beat him out. DeAndrew White will stretch the field for us, I HOPE Michael Bowman gets playing time (big body, big time catches), and I think Darius Hanks (when he comes back for the third game) will show a lot of folks how good he really is. He doesn't get much love with Maze around and with all the Duron Carter talk.
-AUoptimo article: Dyer and McCalebb are known commodities and will be the focal point of defensive schemes. They might be the best 1-2 punch in the SEC.
-AUoptimo article: I foresee a top 20 offense that underachieves on the scoreboard. (Missed it by 80...yes, 80.) In summary, without Gus the offensive outlook would be questionable, but with Gus the offense will be the strength of the Auburn Tigers in 2011 (again). Auburn fans can only hope this is not the last year of the Malzahn era. Ouchies.
I'll just go ahead and stop there; if you can't tell, the JR faithful were just as bad as I was about predicting things this year. Oh, and let's not forget my elite college pick 'em prowess this year - dead last by a wide margin. Simply terrible. Damn, move on already, my team won the 'ship!
I'd like to thank all the guys and gals for reading/participating with the JR for another fun season - it sure is fun when Bama keeps winning. This website would suck (already does!) if I were a Tennessee fan. I really wish I had the desire/time to make this a legitimate, full time site, but I live in the real world and only cyber pimps like Walter have the cajones to make his website his main money maker. So since the winner of the bowl challenge has elected to pass on writing an article on the site, this will be farewell until I get the urge again next Fall. Until then, stay healthy my friends...and I'll leave you with as many pics and gifs as I can stand to sit here and embed (click on the pic if it looks weird - may animate in a new window). Holla bitches.
Beating. Bashing. Battering. Breaking. Bruising. Lambasting. Drubbing. Pummeling. Punishing. Slapping. Smacking. Trouncing. Demolishing. Raping. Pounding. Even Musberger said it was a mauling. To be fair to LSU, we'll show their highlights first:
Pretty impressive, I must admit. Complete and utter dominance over what some people were describing as the best team of our era. Amazing what one single game can do to the mindset of so many that were convinced Les Miles was a genius and that LSU was simply unbeatable. You gave Nick Saban a month to prepare for a rematch - with the best statistical defense since 1986 - and yet EVERY STATE IN THE UNION OUTSIDE OF ALABAMA thought the Tigers would win. And I'm surprised the state of Alabama even said so, with all the Aubies here. Speaking of them...
I love some of the Aubies saying "Durrrr you only won 9 Championships, not 14." Ha ha ha, that's rich. Why don't they just say "You only won a million more than we have, not a billion!" But sour grapes are to be expected after bookending their last championship. Maybe we'll do it again when they win one again. Let's hope I live that long.
Oh hey, remember this gem from my last article?
Star emergence. We tend to think we already know both teams and who can do what. Don't think for a second a quiet guy like Nick Gentry won't be a game-changer right before your very eyes. Is that a prediction, Joker? Maybe...
I'm just gonna go ahead and say boom motherfucker on that one. Gentry went beast mode and was disrupting the backfield all night. Note to all CFB coaches - if you want a whitey on the DL, find one with a non-stop motor. Otherwise...yeesh, I'd pass.
xxKratosxx, i.e. packersfan12204, shoot me a comment and I'll comment back with my email. You are the grand victor or the ESPN Bowl Challenge, so if you have something to say and you want it in print, your prize awaits.
Stay tuned for a lot more shizzle on the game, as this is basically a quick post to say I'm not done just yet. Seems like it happened forever ago, but I had shit to do this week and stuff happens. Oh, and if you're lucky, I'll do a season-ending purge of all the pics and animated gifs that will make you laugh your ass off while somehow staying hard. Yep, I like to confuse my audience. My parting gift for now...
Thank you, Joker...I will take it from here and I'm bringing my boy (from Gadsden if you're keeping score), Yelawolf, along since I see flyers for the dude all over the place down here. One thing i have learned from perusing sites such as Rivals, 247 Sports, and others is that (no one knows that the hell they are talking about) the "cool" thing to do is to have an "inside guy" in the program that provides you with all the information that only people "inside" the program have. Oh, it's thrilling if you haven't had the privilege, especially when you realize that pretty much everyone with such info is full of it. But, nevertheless, my "insider" guy has given me a nugget of info and, because I am (awesome) a nice guy, I will give you a little insight as to the speech Coach Nick Saban (CNS to the cool kids on "THE Board") will be giving come Monday night.
"Take a wisten..."
I don't know about you but THIS guy is pumped...and an American...with a mean on.
So are these guys I'm sure:
So...how do you break down a game that the Joker and I have already broken down? Well, to be honest with you, as was alluded to by El Jokero, these are not exactly the same teams, but you just don't. This game is going to be crazy. The folks down here are nuts. Bama fans are WELL represented is all I will say, but, as you can imagine, there is a lot of purple and yellow as well. We know the teams, we know the players and we know these boys are going to be pumped up beyond belief. Hell, if they are half as pumped as the fans, this game could get dangerous in a hurry. Alas, I see this game coming down to one thing and one thing only:
EXPERIENCE
Both teams have great defenses, good coaches, and big ass boys in the trenches. We can break down stats and look at the game from every angle but, as we saw in November, the stats don't make field goals and don't put points on the board. If they did, Alabama would have won...but they didn't...period. What will be different this time I hear you saying. Well, I will tell you...
A good chunk of the team that will take the field for the Tide tonight played two years ago in the BCS Championship Game in Pasadena. They won't be phased by all the hoopla and giving Saban six weeks to prepare the boys is a crazy advantage. Nothing against LSU but I just don't see them being able to take down the Tide twice in the same season. Both teams will play their hearts out but, in the end, I just think that the Tide will be too much.
So, what's the bottom line? If Alabama plays the way they should (and they let AJ McCarron throw passes and not Maze), Alabama will hoist the crystal and win yet another BCS crown. If they don't play well, anything is possible. LSU is a beast and, if you give Les Miles and inch, he will take more than a mile (pun anyone?). The dude is a good coach (as much as I hate to say it) and he has a stable of athletes. It's going to be the hardest hitting bowl game possibly in the history of college football. This town is electric and that can only translate to the players being amped to a dangerous level. I can't wait for the opening kickoff because we are all in for a treat. However, when the final whistle blows, the scoreboard will read something like this:
ALABAMA 28
LSU 13
That's correct, Coach.
Let's get it on! Everyone enjoy the game and here's to hoping the losing team's fanbase doesn't burn down New Orleans tonight. You think I'm kidding...
Props to 2AUdacious - who's been oddly quiet this season, wonder why - for pushing this Yelawolf guy on me. The Roll Tide or whatever song was cool, but I'm really starting to dig on this kid; it's as if he's Tommy Lee's rapper son from the South. This one in particular piqued my interest once I heard The Police's Don't Stand So Close to Me sample slowly make an appearance. Damn this is gonna sound good in my truck. Er, my box Ford?
This time around I want to focus on things in the game nobody really thinks about; not necessarily the intangibles, but moreso the kind of stuff that makes your heart sink while you're watching the game. Stuff that truly affects the outcome of the game, but will only be mentioned once it happens. Of what does my old ass speak? Well, to name a few:
Terrible calls from the zebras, perhaps? We're in SEC country. Every team in the SEC is used to getting dicked by the refs and there is nothing we can do about it. Who benefits from the unexplainably bad calls this time?
How about all the challengeable calls Saban inconceivably dismisses? Time and time again, whether it means a first down or a touchdown, I have noticed Nick sometimes doesn't even bother challenging spots/marks/calls that may have gone our way. I don't know if he's the type to always be thinking "we would have gotten those inches had we done better the first three downs" or not, but damn - the rule is there for your benefit! Use it!
And what of the calls that can't be overturned by rule? The whole "well, once the whistle blows, the play is over" shit when Player A's knee never touched the ground? Stay tuned, horseshit like that happens in games like this.
How about the replay booth officials? There are guys up there whose job is SPECIFICALLY to watch all the different GD camera angles we all see at home, in high definition just like us, and make the proper call. And sometimes they STILL manage to fuck things up.
Fights/ejections. As Bama fans, we think our players have a pretty high threshold for shit-talking. But this game is gonna be off the charts, pulsing with adrenaline, surrounded by crazy ass cajuns. What happens if Mathieu jacks Dre in the head again? What happens if T-Bob Hebert hauls off and pops Dont'a, and he retaliates, but the refs only see Dont'a?
What about paid-off/point-shaving players? If you dismiss this, let me quote the biggest pimp the cinema's ever seen - "Who's being naive now, Kay?" Michael MF Corleone.
Injuries - it's gonna be one team or both. Superdome, fast turf, aggression and excitement buzzing throughout the air. Somebody will be breaking ankles and popping ACLs - who's it going to be, and how elite/important will the player(s) be?
Star emergence. We tend to think we already know both teams and who can do what. Don't think for a second a quiet guy like Nick Gentry won't be a game-changer right before your very eyes. Is that a prediction, Joker? Maybe...
Health now vs Health then. Both teams are as full strength as can be decided in a season. That means completely different matchups for certain positions compared to the last game, and sometimes completely new players.
Veteran leadership in big games. Often overlooked in games like this, guys who have been there before, know how to act, and know how to relay to their teammates when and how to get up or cool out...that's invaluable.
And last but not least...the efficiency of special teams. We tend to only think in absolutes - offense and defense - but if my September article didn't warn us enough...
Currently it sounds like Cody Mandell kicks more like Barbara Mandrell, and Jay Williams more like Jay Leno. You may think I'm harping on insignificance, but you just wait until we start shanking punts all over creation, giving huge opportunities for the LSUs of the world to snatch momentum and skull fuck us into another loss we could have EASILY prevented. Do you remember the helplessness you felt when Stephen Garcia threw up jump balls to any and everyone - and they all caught it, no matter how bad of a throw it was? Think of multiple teams doing that directly after we shank a punt. That's just how the college game is - she's a cruel mistress who likes flicking the head of your penis, laughing; and you have maybe a 3% shot of her doing anything YOU really want her to do.
...then November 5, 2011 should have put a giant target on what to focus on. We all know it by now, but it bears repeating: our kicking game sucks more dong than Brazzers.com. This means addressing our problems with field goals of 40 yards or more, punting for 40 yards or more, and inexplicably - compared to the start of the season - kickoff and punt coverage. So basically what I'm saying is LSU, at least before the game starts, has an astronomical advantage in all aspects of special teams - a full 1/3 of the formula for success. Has Saban been working on fundamentals and staying in lanes and sticking to individual assignments and trusting each other and yada yada? Of course he has. Have the players listened? We'll find out Monday night.
So what do I think will happen? Like I said in the last article, the team that wins will do so by double digits. If Bama wins, 31-10. If LSU wins, 24-12. Do I think Alabama wins? Of course I do, I'm an Alabama fan, I think we beat their ass. But I thought we'd do that the first time...
Monday we'll see one of the most dominating teams to play in recent memory, LSU, face one of the best defenses ever assembled in terms of size, speed, and stats. The coaching and talent is already present; whoever comes out with disciplined aggression and the undeniable will to win will be crowned the victors. Joker, enough with the bullshit, what's gonna happen? I'll let Edgar Allan Poe take it:
And Darkness and Decay and the Red Death held illimitable dominion over all.
Ight boys, I figured I'd stop slacking on this site and start talking about the big game. It's odd how many people request my insight on the game versus how many people talk about the women I post, i.e. hey dude, you haven't posted shit lately, step it up. Well, I'll try to tie up both of those requests today. Hell, let's start right the f now.
Was that a good opening? Cool, let's talk football for a second.
First of all, to all my fellow Tiders complaining about RG3's average play in his bowl - shut the fuck up. Seriously, just shut the fuck up. Trent didn't get the Heisman, get over it. No, it wasn't rigged. No, it wasn't unfair. Griffin was unbelievable this year, and he led Baylor...BAYLOR...to a 10 win season. Get over yourselves, just because we have a kickass running back doesn't mean everyone should throw every fucking award his way just to massage your giant egos.
I mean my God, I can't imagine the outcry/tree-burning/trailer-shaking that would have happened if Tyrann Mathieu had won it. Oh, and by the way, I STILL think he should have won it. It's called an opinion, and mine is more valuable than yours because I said so. Here's a little video I made in my kitchen to let you know just how serious I am:
My prediction for the first game, while it may look a little lopsided in 20/20, wasn't that bad if we catch a case of the what-ifs. Had Alabama made their four missed FGs and run in a TD on the Reid did-he-didn't-he interception, we never would have needed overtime and the score would have been 25-6. My prediction was 27-6. Just wanted to get that out there to cockblock the haters from thinking I'm going to be insanely biased in this next installment of the big game. Not that I care, cuz haters gonna hate...
I told a buddy a few nights ago that I won't know who wins this game until I write out my thoughts on this'ere blog; but I did say the team that wins will do so by double digits. This WILL NOT be another 9-6 type game, regardless of however many people say it. Just cuz you say it a lot doesn't mean it's true; case in point, "TJ Yeldon is an Auburn lock." Yeouch. Bet that hurt almost as much as...
Let's run down a few things here before we begin:
- The amount of time between Bama's last game, the Iron Bowl, and the start of the BCS title game is equivalent to the amount of time it takes women to get ready. "10 more minutes, I swear." Don't sleep on this being a factor in one or both teams' performance early on (and possibly late if the conditioning wasn't a focus)
- In favor of LSU, they beat us at home and the damn Superdome rematch is in their hood
- In favor of Alabama, anybody knows it's tough to beat the same team twice in one season; even that much harder to do it to a physical team like Bama
- Les Miles, to my memory, ran zero trick plays against us at home; that can't possibly be omitted from the gameplan this time around
- Nick Saban did run a trick play - and it was the turning point of the game in favor of LSU. Let's hope he keeps his bag of tricks where they belong...on street corners, nawmean?! *high five*
- Be scared, Tiger fans - the latest on our kicker is that he's crazy focused and Saban won't hesitate to put him out there. *giant facepalm*
- The Tigers think Alabama doesn't deserve another chance...it seems everybody agrees:
If that ain't a slap in the face to Trent Richardson and the best defense in the nation, then I don't know what is. This should be on every locker in the Bama room when they walk in on Monday afternoon. I doubt they need motivating, but it couldn't hurt. I mean, this isn't a graph showing who thinks we don't deserve a rematch - this is America saying we have no shot in hell to WIN. LSU, we're hoping for a Rocky II result...don't make us put a Rocky IV result on your Apollo Creed asses. Wait, this isn't Russia...is this Russia?...didn't think so.
Did I just blend two classic movies into one, confusing all but three people? I THINK I JUST DID. Quick, divert their attention to something amazingly funny (I swear, if you watch this with dead eyes and no reaction, I hope your 2012 is filled with scorpions and anal probes):
Nobody told me American Dad was this funny. I now DVR it and every episode gets a good healthy guffaw out of me. Just FYI, note to yourselves, etc.
So let's go over the stats accrued in the first game:
Alabama
Time of Posession: 30:06 First Downs: Rush: 8 Pass: 7 Penalty: 2 Total: 17 Penalties: Number: 6 Yards: 73 Fumbles: Number: 1 Lost: 0 Third Downs: Attempted: 13 Converted: 5 Fourth Downs: Attempted: 0 Converted: 0
LSU
Time of Posession: 29:54 First Downs: Rush: 9 Pass: 4 Penalty: 2 Total: 15 Penalties: Number: 7 Yards: 56 Fumbles: Number: 0 Lost: 0 Third Downs: Attempted: 11 Converted: 3 Fourth Downs: Attempted: 0 Converted: 0
First of all, the third down percentages stand out to me: Bama 5/13 - 38%, LSU 3/11 - 27%.
Third down percentages are never going to be excellent (unless you play against Ted Roof), so Bama having a "bad" game and still approaching 40% conversion rate is promising, especially considering our defense held them to basically 1 first down out of every 4. Good sign #1.
However, there's immediately a bad sign to counter this. Not only did we not score a touchdown, through the air or on the ground - and granted, LSU didn't either - but Trent Richardson, our GUY, didn't top 100 yards rushing. To expound, he only averaged 3.9 ypc. Take away his longest run of 24 yards, and TR3 was only averaging 3.4 ypc. On the season, he's averaging a solid 6.0 ypc. If Bama wants to win this game, if Bama wants to establish their style of play, this HAS to change. Bad sign #1.
Bad sign #2 - While we kept their leading rusher in check - Spencer Ware had 16 carries for only 29 yards - they have since established Kenny HIlliard as their best back, and he only had two touches against us. Not only that, Michael Ford essentially carved us up, hitting 6.5 ypc on 72 yards. If we don't control their three-headed monster, we're in deep. But this can easily be managed.
They can't throw it on us if we play, or at least SHOW, bracket coverage. As good as our corners are, they're not going to blanket Russell Shepard, Reuben Randle, and Odell Beckham. That's an impossible task, which is why LSU has been running through folks. Our tendency is to bring Mark Barron closer to the box to help stop the run, but this time around, I want him playing center field all night long. If he does this, it will allow Lester the freedom he had last year to run around and make plays - HUGE plays - which he hasn't been doing this year. If we need to find reasons to bring a ninth man, Barron, into the box, then we're wasting our best assets out there at linebacker. So if we can keep Upshaw at Jack and rotate Dont'a from MLB to pass rushing DE, we'll have room for three guys to make plays: Nico Johnson (ace run stopper) + Jerrell Harris (speed in space for run or pass coverage) + CJ Mosley (ace pass defender).
So, if Saban is gameplanning for the above to happen, meaning they can't throw it on us, my God they're playing right to our strength. I don't see Ford averaging 6.5 ypc anymore if the pieces fall into place the way Saban and Smart conceive it; but like I said, Hilliard is the guy to watch out for anyway.
Now, that may sound all fine and fancy, and that may work quite well against other teams, but this is LSU. They are just as big, just as strong, and just as fast as Alabama. If the above scenario does turn out to work, then (outside of special teams) the game hinges on Bama's O and LSU's D - specifically in the trenches.
LSU's D-line is practically a rotating wall of awesome, so they'll never tire. This could explain why Trent couldn't even average 4 ypc. So there are two things Nick needs to rely on to offset this major strength of LSU: hurry-up offense when the time calls for it, keeping the same guys in with little to no substitutions for LSU; and plays OUTSIDE base formation to create opportunities for big plays, especially plays for our RBs, and especially done to the point of creating a morale battle. Let me elaborate, ight?
Ya see, as Bama fans, we're used to the (Tourette's mode engaged) FUCKINGRETARDEDGODAWFUL delayed handoff to Trent; it's slow to develop, it never works, it's in every gameplan, it's run over and over throughout every game, and there's no time for AJ to even blink if play action is called to offset it. Add in more runs up the middle and random traps and draws meant to tire the opposition, and you have the typically boring rushing attack that puts you to sleep until the 3rd and 4th quarter, when other teams have been worn down. LIke I said above, the Tigers will just replace spent DL with fresh legs, and we'll have the same OL getting beaten at the point of attack. This is literally beating our heads against a wall, and it can't happen.
So to counter that, as I said above, we need instances during drives when we go into our hurry-up offense mode. The key, to me, would be catching LSU with it during a certain formation with certain players. Let's say LSU called a 3-4 zone defense for something we ran on 2nd and long; let's also say they gave Sam Montgomery a breather. If we could see this scenario coming, converted with a money play we knew would work, and went straight to hurry up - that could be devastating to LSU. Obviously with forethought we'd still have Trent in, so the goal after converting would be to run Trent over and over at the 3-4, without their best D-lineman, and watch them struggle to adapt with bringing their weakness up - linebacking corps - or trying to hurry Sam and others back on to the field while risking a substitution infraction or missing the start of the play and being insanely out of position. To get a better idea of this, had you watched the Stanford game on Monday night, that one drive in the 4th quarter where Okie State converted 4th down and played hurry up just knocked the wind out of the Cardinal so badly that they were literally confused and standing around when the Cowpokes scored a touchdown. Let's keep in mind these are 18-22 year old kids---if you haven't done your due diligence, scenarios like this will arise, mental weakness sets in on top of physical exhaustion, and you lose. Saban knows this and has preached 4th quarter conditioning and mental strength since he first arrived at the Capstone. Catch LSU in predicaments like these, and CAPITALIZE.
Again, unfortunately, we're playing LSU, so it's probably going to take more than that. So the second part of this equation will be Saban's bane - getting out of his robot tendencies and schematics and thinking outside the (base) box. I seriously doubt we'll see Coach mix it up, considering he's always been the type to say "if we do what we're supposed to do, if we do our jobs relative to blah blah blah, then we'll be successful", all while making ridiculous hand gestures. Meaning he thinks, if ALabama players do what they've been taught to do, nobody has a chance to beat us at our own game. Sadly, that's wrong; I believe November 5, 2011 lends credence to that. Coach - remember remember the fifth of November - change your thinking. You're a good businessman as well as a head football coach, so you know as well as I do that you have to embrace change, not fight it, or you'll be left behind.
The simplest way for Coach to allow this to happen while still staying true to his style of offense is to incorporate one more formation to his base set. If you follow Bama ball, you know McEwlain likes to run multiple plays out of the same formations, whether we run men in motion or not, with the intention that AJ can see the necessary reads before having to make those reads post-snap. If Saban has gotten our guys used to running different looks out of just one more formation that we don't necessarily run very often, then I think that is one huge wrinkle LSU will have to adjust to - and with a defense like ours, that may be all we need. This has the chance to open up holes LSU's preparations would have normally managed to close down, and once multiple first downs are made from doing this, the on-field morale will start to change, and the momentum snowball could be in full effect.
Not having to play in the SEC Championship enabled more time for the Bama staff to incorporate wrinkles like this, but will it happen? Hell no. It's just Joker, speculating and dreaming. We'll do the same shit we've always done, hoping this time it works, hoping this time Michael Williams catches it, and hoping this time we can make at least one of 324 field goal opportunites.
I'll have more later as the game inches closer; probably position comparisons, latest stuff I've heard thru the grapevine, and a final score prediction. I know I say this a lot, but this time he actually said he'd write an article, so stay tuned for Sebastian's thoughts on the big game. Until then, have some more candy:
Saw this last week. Don't really pay attention to the last segments of talk shows, but for some reason his shirt caught my eye, then he started yelling Roll Tide, then I put the pieces together and realized he's the new rapper from Birmingham all those youngsters are talking about. Gotta admit, it got me pretty hype. Enjoy before Coco takes it down like the last one I had posted.
I'll add more to this article later, so until then, enjoy two more videos that kick ass, with songs I've never heard of but now like. And dammit, CLICK THESE WORDS RIGHT HERE to sign up for the Bowl Challenge. I'm constantly amazed at how many times I have to explain to people what it is, where to click, how to do this and that...are y'all ALL like my employees? I mean shit. The latest one is 22, so you'd think he'd have some knowledge of the world, correct? WRONG. Has no idea where big MAIN streets in the city he lives in are, we've been working together for months and he still needs directions to a property we've worked on at least 10 times, and the cappa:
Me - (points to radio, which says "Van Halen - Poundcake") Who sings this?
Derp - Van Halen.
Me - (smh) No dude, what's the name of the singer?
Derp - Eddie Van Halen? I don't know. Why should I know Van Halen's singer?
Me - *gasp* Are you shitting me? They've had three, and this one isn't even the best. Okay, what singers do you know then?
Derp - I know Staind's lead singer...
Me - Holy shit, just go work.
Look at you, you've gotten me all up in a tizzy. Just follow that link and sign up. Thankfully we're starting to get the first crowd of slackers in, so we're around 34 members now. Still have a ways to go, so tell your friends and link it on facebook - it's free and it's easy, just like college girls, so you might as well.
Oh right, the two videos.
PICK EM - I tried to put it off as long as I could, but it's time to declare the 2011 winner of the Joker/Walter and Everybody Else Challenge. Hey, don't blame me cuz you haven't thought of a working title for the group yet. Final numbers please...
Blanket: 38-30-2, +24 units (2cm, 3 units) Chicago Kid: 37-27-1, +29 units (5cm, 13 units) Sebastian: 37-32-1, +21 units (5cm, 20 units) Walter: 36-32-2, -6 units (2cm, 5 units) Joker: 29-39-2, -50 units (6cm, 21 units) AUdacious: 16-9, +19 units
My God, could I have done worse if I tried? I blame women for confusing my brain, and I'm sticking to it. Even if I included my close misses as wins, my shit line would be 34-33-2 and STILL down 29 units. Fuck me sideways, let's just move on to the Bowl Pick Em (see what I did there?).
Before that, let's give props go to The Blanket Always Covers for living up to his name, as he's the overall group winner. I think that's two seasons in a row as the W/L winner. Also props to CK for winning the units won, although he did miss a week of picking because he thinks he's better than us, so consolation prize shmonsolation prize. Might as well give props to Sebastian and Walter, too, for being damn close to winning. The only loser here is me. We've know that for a while, Joker. Shut. Your. Whore mouth. At least I didn't wager a red cent this season - at 34, you start to realize your shit luck ain't worth spending money on. Unless it's women, and then as men we're pretty muched fucked before we start...but we know that.
FUNNY + SKYRIM?! -
BOWLS - For those that didn't get the hint above, you have until THIS Saturday to sign up for the Bowl Mania Challenge (third time) we do each year on ESPN. That's six days from my writing this. That's ample time. Cut out the excuses, even if it's a good one like "Can't. Playing Skyrim." I assure you I'll be better at picking these games than I was picking regular season games; scratch that, I'm not sure of shit. I could probably pick "all winners" and get maybe five correct. Bottom line, my work is cut out for me to even be close to defend my title. For now, let's do Top 25/Bottom 25 stats for each bowl thru Wednesday; that's a fair way to quickly research things we may not have known about, and a great way to avoid my picking losers:
New Mexico Bowl - Temple vs Wyoming - Temple - #3 scoring defense, #4 kickoff returns, #7 rushing offense, #13 net punting, #15 total defense, #17 sacks, #19 pass defense, #21 pass efficiency defense, #23 punt returns, #24 turnover margin (goddamn that's a lot of good stats, MAC conference notwithstanding)...#117 pass offense. Wyoming - #4 turnover margin, #11 sacks allowed, #13 punt returns...#98 total defense, #109 tackles for loss, #115 rushing defense.
Idaho Potato Bowl - Ohio vs Utah State - Ohio - #21 total offense, #23 pass efficiency, #24 rushing offense...no stat #95 or worse. Utah State - #6 rushing offense, #16 passing eficiency, #20 total offense, #21 scoring offense...#95 total offense, #100 turnover margin.
New Orleans Bowl - San Diego State vs LA Lafayette - SDSU - #10 sacks allowed, #11 turnover margin, #20 net punting...#96 kickoff returns, #100 kickoff returns. LALAF - #23 tackles for loss...#104 kickoff returns.
Beef O'Brady's Bowl - Fla International vs Marshall - FIU - #1 punt returns, #6 kickoff returns, #11 pass efficiency defense, #14 sacks, #16 scoring defense, #17 sacks allowed, #23 rushing defense...#100 net punting. Marshall - #3 tackles for loss...#98 scoring offense, #100 pass defense, #101 total offense.
Poinsettia Bowl - TCU vs La Tech - Bought two really pretty poinsettias for one really pretty girl last week. Haven't seen her since. True story. TCU - #1 kickoff returns, #6 passing efficiency, #9 scoring offense, #17 sacks allowed, #20 rushing offense...#107 net punting. La Tech - #8 net punting, #11 turnover margin, #17 sacks, #25 rushing offense...#96 pass defense.
Some telling ish in those stats...but stats aren't everything. Oh, and in case you missed it, the link to the College Bowl Pick Em (fourth time) is right here. Ya damn slackers. Either I or Sebastian will be up next, so stay tuned throughout the bowl season...and especially for my thoughts on the big game. 'Til then, my friends.
The rematch is on. The haterade is flowing like mad. And their tears taste like divine rainbows from Beckinsale's lips. Keep it coming, simpletons - you can't change a goddamn thing. Argh, it's frustrating, isn't it? Cocky ass Alabama fans, always getting the breaks, somehow sneaking in to the title game without even winning their conference? Blame the REC, blame the white man, blame the Good Ole Boy network, blame it on the rain, blame it on boosters, etc. Or you could blame it on every other team shitting the bed when they had a shot - but let's not let logic get in the way...
HEISMAN - We'll deal with LSU later, but I'm on my Triple-H right now - Heisman High Horse. As a fan of one Mr. Charles Woodson - the ONLY primarily defensive player to win the Heisman - I feel like I understand what it means to be the "most outstanding player in college football". Now, unfortunately for certain players like Case Keenum and Kellen Moore, your little schools have no shot in hell to get you that award - anymore, that is (re: Andre Ware). Now, unless you're from another planet, you have to play for a winning school in a BCS conference to even have a shot. And even then, you have a better shot the better your team is. It kinda makes no goddamn sense when you think about it; I mean, if you're the most outstanding player in college football, what does it matter what the 21 other starters on your team did to affect the win/loss totals?
Considering the criteria that has been shaped and molded over the years, this is who tops my Heisman list:
Tyrann Mathieu - I bet the vast majority of you are saying holy shit! right about now. Well, I'm not your typical "Bammer" who will spout off about how perfect we are and how Trent Richardson should be #1 across the ballot boards. Let me explain.
Like I said, imagine seeing your favorite player ever - in the history of the game and in your lifetime - win the Heisman. It makes you view it a little differently. The sad thing is, in hindsight, people fail to have 20/20 when they bring up the "Peyton Manning should have won it" argument. Those that argue for Peyton over Charles are either Tennessee fans or NFL fans who have let his play at the next level speak for his failure to beat Florida for the third straight time, and his failure to beat out competition in his own damn division. Peyton had good numbers...
So why didn't Timmy ever have a shot at the Heisman? Cuz his team sucked, as the formula in place alludes to you having no shot. Which, ironically with the above numbers, should show you how good he really was, relative to Kentucky's players in comparison to Tennessee's talent. Meanwhile, after losing stats to, again, a KENTUCKY quarterback, Peyton was also one-dimensional and beatable compared to Woodson.
Now Wood, on the other hand, could be plugged into any damn position you want him to go, and he'd succeed (took a decade for coaches to learn this in the NFL, but I digress):
Defense - 44 tackles, 5 tackles for loss, 1 sack, 9 PBU, 8 INT
Now add the good stuff - 1 rushing TD, 2 receiving TDs, 1 PR TD, and if Brian Griese had any wheels whatsoever, Wood would have had about a 23 yard TD pass as well.
The above punt return TD was against arch rival Ohio State - when everybody was watching to see what he could do. Then in the 4th quarter he picked off their go-ahead TD in the end zone. Performance under pressure was the key, and he produced. Woodson sealed games on the rare occasion he had the ball in his hands; Peyton Manning did not, even though he had the ball at every snap - and he was outplayed statistically by someone in his own conference. Woodson' Michigan team went undefeated, Manning's Tennessee team did not.
This brings us back to Mathieu. When everybody's focus is on a QB from Baylor with questionable losses, after careful consideration, I think he's the most outstanding player in the nation THIS YEAR. Everybody wants to give it to him next year since the whole "fake weed" issue bumped him from the running this season (which is fine I guess), but I'm talking about this year. As much as I hate to see him keep performing well for the Bayou Bengals - he does, and he does it all the goddamn time, with his terribly dyed hair and smug countenance. Now, is he the best cornerback on his team? No, that's Morris Claiborne, and if you want to argue that with me, I'll rip you apart in that debate, too. But being the best technical cover cornerback isn't the question here; Mathieu's stats match the eyeball test:
70 tackles, 8 tackles for loss, 1.5 sacks, 6 FF (ridiculous), 4 FR for 2 TD, 7 PBU, 3 QB hurries, 2 INT, and 2 PR TDs
That stat line is fucking retarded. His team is undefeated, he's the best playmaker on that defense, and everyone in America knows not to hold the ball near him or kick it to him - yet he's out of the discussion because of drugs. Learn this lesson, kids.
So who's #2, i.e default #1? For me, there is a logjam here with all the guys being mentioned in the media - Andrew Luck, Robert Griffin III, and Trent Richardson. So how do you separate them? Let's try best game vs worst game, with weighted discussion on conferences played in:
RG3 best - Oklahoma (14th BCS rank), 551 total yards, 4 TDs (in comparison, last Saturday Weeden only had 217 yards and 0 TDs against Oklahoma) RG3 worst - Texas Tech (45th BCS rank), 168 total yards, 2 TDs (concussion, I think) Big 12 - #2 FBS conference at best (tie with Big 10/Pac 12 to be fair)
Luck best - USC (no BCS rank, but they're high up), 366 total yards, 4 TDs Luck worst - Washington (41st BCS rank), 192 total yards, 2 TDs Pac 10/12 - #2 FBS conference at best (tie with Big 10/Big 12 to be fair)
TR3 best - Ole Miss (95th BCS), 213 total yards, 4 TDs TR3 worst - Vanderbilt (48th BCS), 108 total yards and 1 TD SEC - #1 FBS conference
Each candidate's worst game was against an opponent ranked in the 40s in the BCS, which is one telling stat as to why there is no runaway frontrunner in the race. However, each player's best game favors all but Trent. Yet I could come back with another "however" - as I point out below, the best individual performance against the best team in the nation, LSU, goes to Trent Richardson. Just goes to show you how many things one can look at while dissecting who the most outstanding player should be.
RG3 had the best stats of all candidates - on the worst team in consideration, in a "lesser" conference, having lost BADLY in two of their three losses. These are black marks that must be considered in today's refined (for better or worse) formula. Luck's bad marks are the loss to Oregon and the significant statistical difference RG3 has over him in both the run and pass game. Depending on who you ask, one QB plays in a tougher conference than the other, but I honestly can't say which one that is when the Big 10, Big 12, and Pac 12 all could argue for #2 behind the SEC. Hell, I'm sure they'd find a good argument to be above the SEC, but I gotta draw the line somewhere.
Now I know some Big Ten guys are clamoring for more love towards Montee Ball - as well they should. Better stats all-around than Trent, extra Big 10 game notwithstanding. The difference here, to me, is the talent/competition level of the SEC vs Big 10, the amount of times T-Rich sat on has ass while Bama had the game in hand (save GSU cuz Lacy was hurt, and the Iron Bowl to rub it in) vs Ball still racking up TDs late in almost all their games, and the #1 factor in defining these two backs:
Trent had 169 total yards in his ONLY loss - to LSU, 1st in BCS ranking; whereas Ball had 115 total yards (and 2 TDs) in his SECOND loss - to Ohio State, 51st in BCS ranking.
So again, using the current formula for the Heisman where team performance, strength of schedule, conference rank, etc. come into play - Trent had the better showing. In fact, Trent's performance against LSU tops any individual RB performance against LSU by 54 yards - 115 total yards by LaMichael James in Oregon's high octane offense.
Is this a scoff at Ball's numbers this year? Hell no, he should be commended for even approaching Barry Sanders-type numbers (albeit we all know the *less games played/no bowl stats accounted for* argument for Barry - oh, and that he's one of the best RBs in football history). But Ball plays in a lesser conference, has more team losses to lesser quality opponents, and to be honest - the portrayal of it being a quarterback-heavy Heisman has all but pushed Ball aside. So basically the Big 12 hates Alabama because we are playing for all the marbles, and now the Big 10 hates us because our Heisman candidate gets the nod and theirs doesn't. Sounds about right.
So, in conclusion, Joker's FInal 4:
1. Mathieu 2. RG3 3. Luck 4. Richardson
But in reality, it's more like:
1. RG3 2. Luck/Richardson 4. Ball
Maybe Tyrann Mathieu will get some late love, and maybe Ball, too. It's possible that Richardson's performance against Auburn, and his team's last minute move into the BCS title game, might shoot him above Andrew Luck - but probably not. So I think, with that last win over Texas, Robert Griffin III stiffarms (oh no he didn't) the current "shitty team = no dice" formula and steals the Heisman from the grips of the SEC. So as nice as this is to think about...
..I personally don't see it happening. But hell, I've been wrong a lot this year.
BOWL PICK EM - We have slowly crept up to 15 teams as I'm writing this, and it will soon build up some decent momentum, so quit being lazy - tell your friends, click the link, and get your team signed up. Obviously more bowl game talk to come. Oh, and I'm too lazy to see who won Pick Em...Sebastian emailed me his picks before most games started, so I'll have to do all the math before my next article. Sea bass, you need to put your thoughts on the bowl games out there, too. No more "dude, I'm in the Bahamas" crap, either.
So let's just say, when I was 17, I was an asshole. Just "hypothetically". Let's also say I had a fast truck and used to leave tread on whatever streets I felt like. Well currently, after a year of owning a very similar truck, I finally decided to break the tires loose on a corner in my neighborhood - for just a second. New z-rated grippy tires + brand new asphalt = very loud screeching sounds. Immediately I get the stink eye from a guy working on my street, and immediately it made me feel 17 again - cuz I want to stop writing this, go back out there, line up next to his truck, and light em up for an 1/8 mile while I make shadow puppets in the shape of a giant bird. Considering my tires cost a lot, and my neighbors don't hate me (yet), I'll continue writing this instead. That little dickbag who thinks I'm a dickbag has no idea that I'm the king of all dickbags. Cool story! Thanks bro!
MUSIC - So a while back, my brother-in-law is sipping on his Beam and Coke, and we're talking about rap for some reason. He looks at me and says "you know, I don't think I can even name a Tupac song." Now typically, my response would be to get up and run around his yard with my arms flailing in the air, asking the gods why they do this to me. But I kept my cool and said "Dude...he's the best there ever was or will be. You really need to give him a chance." So, since I know he hasn't even tried, I'll do it for him. This has got to be his most passionate song, regardless of whether or not it turned out to be a bad thing for him. And I honestly don't think any song intro can top that's why I fucked your bitch, you fat motherfucker. So listen up, bro, especially near the end when he goes off. Get goosebumps every time.
SKYRIM - Like I said in my last installment of Skyrim - The Life and Times of Joker's Pathetic Social Life, I was starting the game over with a new character so I could help my buddy AUJclayton roll through the punches of getting used to this goliath of a game. Turns out El Matteo has started over, too, so we made completely different characters and are maybe at level 10 tops right now. For those of you out there that are playing this with us, do the quest I personally call the Toomer's Corner quest. In Whiterun, in the courtyard, talk to some chick sitting on the bench. She'll tell you about the dying tree and how to go about bringing it back to life. One of the places you'll end up is one of the prettiest in the game graphics/color wise, and once you finish, the dead tree in the courtyard will suddenly come back to life the next time you visit town. Pretty cool ish.
This is my first character, who's apparently on hold for a while even though he's damn near untouchable and could rape and pillage entire cities by himself. If you get to 100 smithing, and you kept all the bones and scales of the dragons' collectively kicked asses, you can make your own armor. It's enchanted as well, which means you have about a zero percent chance of killing me. Bring it. Oh, and of course, that's a jester who now tags along and fights with me...and you wonder why I like this game?
PIMP.
MELTDOWN TIME - Notice some of the Aubies aren't funny like other fanbases; they immediately hit up their go-to cache of cheating/scandalous big brother insults instead of facing logic and the actual, REAL gameplay that their ears and eyes saw for themselves. Sad, really. That's GOT to get old, no?
FUNNY - If you know me, you know I'm picky about the things I like, and I'm very vocal if these certain few folks make my list. As for comedians, the list goes something like this - Chevy Chase, Damon Wayans, Martin Lawrence. Sure the Jim Carreys and Will Ferrells of the world are funny, and we all know that. But people hate on Chevy (and tend to forget him cuz his peak was in the 80s), and they also tend to forget Damon and Martin, who may or may not have peaked in the 90s. Point is, Runteldat can put me into laughing fits, especially the part when he's in the hospital. Have a listen, and if you don't laugh, I don't want to be friends anymore.
And I caught some of See No Evil Hear No Evil the other day, and I challenge anyone to find a better comedy duo than Richard Pryor and Gene Wilder. The wit together and the love they show for each other is evident...and before I start singing Ebony and Ivory on your ass, just watch...
If that doesn't get my Dad laughing, I don't know what will.
PICKS - Again, as a precaution, I don't have to tell you any lawyerspeak anymore - you should just know not to touch my picks this year. That's probably why Sebastian hasn't posted yet...he's waiting to see mine first and then make adjustments. Can't blame him. Joker and 2011 picks go together about as well as white dresses and ketchup popsicles. The rundown please, which I have somehow managed to avoid calculating until now:
Blanket: 35-28-2, +20 units (2cm, 3 units) Chicago Kid: 34-25-1, +25.5 units (4cm, 11 units) Sebastian: 35-29-1, +25 units (4cm, 17 units) Walter: 32-31-2, -10 units (2cm, 5 units) Joker: 28-35-2, -37 units (5cm, 18 units) AUdacious: 16-9, +19 units
Sebastian and I were the big winners - going 3-2. Yikes, not a good week for the group, and the CK didn't even find it in his heart to choose anyone. He just threw whole turkeys in his mouth and gave us the finger. Youth and their tireless quest for disrespect, I swear.
Question - why isn't Sandusky fondling this?
Speaking of gymnasts...
And one more random chick pic for good measure...
***3 Northern Illinois -3.5 OHIO ****4 OREGON -31 Ucla **2 Wyoming -5.5 COLORADO STATE ****4 BOISE STATE -48.5 New Mexico *****5 LSU -13.5 GEORGIA
Easiest week of the year! Going 5-0 to close just like I did last season! Well, probably not, but my hope and faith still abides, dude!
In closing, the Bowl season is a ways off...but not that far off. We have 8 people in the league so far, so we're only 111 short. GET your ASSES in there. ESPN College Bowl Mania - no password this year, so get all your buddies to join up and we'll have some, like, mega fantastic war between all the genius armchair quarterback minds out there. And you know the prize - whoever wins, as long as they talk about college football somewhere in there, can write an article for this site. In other words, say some (already annoying) Ohio State fan wins; he can spout off about Urban Meyer snapping his fingers and getting 5-star recruits to commit on the spot, and how the Buckeyes will be resurrected into a Top 3 program again, and blah blah yada yada - or he can just go off about his whore ex-girlfriend. If that's you, all you gotta do is beat me - and whoever else signs up - at picking the winner of 35 games. Is it in you? Find out, ya bunch of nancies. Click here, sign up. Sebastian, the floor is yours.
So 90% of the time I'm in my work truck I listen to 80s on 8, and that Loverboy band comes on a pretty good bit. That Working for the Weekend song is okay, I'd usually turn it, but this last time an image stuck in my head and I could not stop laughing. Thanks to youtube, you can now see what I see when I hear that song.
And let's not kid ourselves on why I watched that movie, because it wasn't for Adam Sandler...
IRON BOWL- Before I post anything about the Tide or Tigers, let's take a look back at everybody's favorite and impartial writer, Phillip Marshall of Auburn Undercover, and his preseason look into the SEC (I'll just paste the fun stuff):
Best in the West - Arkansas
His ballot for West - Ark, LSU, Auburn, Alabama, State, Ole Miss
Most Underrated in West - Auburn
Best Returning Offensive Player - Says Dyer first (nuh uh!), then names Lattimore and Jeffrey. Gee, wonder who he missed (read: avoided).
Best Returning Defensive Player - And I quote, "Alabama safety Mark Barron. If you look around the league, there were lots of player losses on defense."
THIS, my friends, is why we call them little brother. Unbelievable how butthurt some of their fans and apparently writers are. They can feel it in their hair follicles if they even consider giving Alabama props...for anything. This is coming from a "professional" writer whose team just won a national championship and third Heisman trophy winner. Ha...don't expect to hear or feel any love for Trent in the Heisman race from his camp.
That said, I could text my buddy AUJclayton and he'll be the first to give Trent love (I would hope). 2AUdacious, eh, not so much. Does it matter that Richardson is the first running back in SEC HISTORY to rush for 20 TDs in a season? It should. Cam and Tebow both rushed for 20+ and threw for more, and they have Heismans. Bo Jackson and Herschel Walker never ran for 20 TDs in a year, and they have Heismans. 203 yards, a career best, against his arch rival? HASN'T LOST A FUMBLE ALL YEAR?! 169 total yards against the nation's #1 team? Is any of this Heisman-worthy? That's not for me to judge, so back on topic...
Let's go over Auburn's stats from the Iron Bowl:
Leading passer: Mosley 11/18 for 62 yards.
Leading rusher: Dyer 13 rushes, 48 yards.
Leading receiver: Bray 5 recs, 22 yards.
All in all, 140 total yards and 0 points. In other words, Demarcus Milliner 6, Auburn Offense 0.
And ya know, come to think about it, after our victory our Heisman candidate didn't put his hand on his mouth and run around the place like an idiot. Nope, Trent just smiles, chest bumps with Big Al...
...and walks into the tunnel with his teammates. Meanwhile, Trooper Taylor just can't help running his mouth to an opposing player:
Trooper Taylor, Auburn's mascot/WR coach, was just yapping at Bama CB Dre Kirkpatrick. Kirckpatrick motioned Taylor to come onto the field.
Such is life on the plains; if it's not a player, it's a coach. Now they have to figure out if Malzahn is still a magician (or if his wife sucks the spirit out of him every day) and worth keeping, if Ted Roof could suck more if given a chance, is this whole season one of hope for next year (aka loser mentality) or a chance to look themselves in the mirror and knock off all the bullshit (aka winner mentality). I'll say it again, get rid of Roof, whether it's Chizik's defense or not. There is too much talent on that team to have ranks like these at the end of November:
Pass Defense - 48 (not bad...although let's be honest, everyone is too busy running) Total Defense - 78 Scoring Defense - 79 Pass Efficiency Defense - 85 Rushing Defense - 99
Meanwhile, Alabama is ranked #1 in every single one of those categories. How many years (in a row) is Auburn going to settle for shit numbers like that? The quicker you stop pretending Cam didn't do it all himself, the better off you'll be. Look what he's doing in the pros! He's going to shatter rookie records and probably run away with rookie MVP. Face facts, hire competent coaches, drop the stupid "All In" slogans, get your players to buy into a TEAM system, come back with a vengeance, and let's have a healthy rivalry like we used...well...let's have a funner rivalry than things have been lately. Deal? Good. Now you better win your bowl game and rep the SEC like a big boy. Cue the segue...
BOWL PICK EM - It's that time of the year again, fellas and gals. We had 119 (i think) people last season all vying for the top spot, and who won again? It was that one guy...really good looking, heart of gold, hit with the ladies...
...that's right, THIS GUY. 118 of you fuckers failed to knock me and my ego off of our rightful perch, overlooking you peons and peasants. Just as Ohio Gator has reclaimed his lofty throne this season in College Fantasy - kudos my man - I shall now follow his lead in defense of my Bowl Pick Em. Granted, mine has a whole helluva lot more obstacles in the way, especially if we somehow get 119 people to play again this year.
For those who don't know how to play, all you do is pick the winner and rank each of those 35 winners by the confidence you have in them, from 1-35. It sounds easy, but mother of pearl - it's not. Last year Blanket and I shared the seasonal Pick Em trophy; he got the most number of picks correct, I got the most number of units won, so I was on my game. This year, however, I am dogshit with my picks, so I'll need all the luck I can get. GO HERE AND SIGN UP. And we segue once again...
PICK EM - We have one more true week to go to see who claims the top spot in 2011 Pick Em, although it's not a full week, so more than likely picks will overlap. This is where we find who has the cajones to be the top dog, and see if I can manage to go 0-5 and be the worst picker in history. I apologize for getting 60% correct last week - completely not my intent. Well, I am still trying, but I'm so beat down and deflated I could be an Auburn fan. Thankfully though, I'm not. Okay okay, enough digs at the downtrodden. Updated tally, please suh:
...whenever I feel like adding shit up I'll put it here...
Can we show some ass to break up all these words? Thanks.
NEW HIRE - Urban Meyer aka Urban Cryer aka Urban Liar did what we all knew he would do. Nick Saban made his ass quit, he saw the writing on the wall once the golden child Tim Tebow left, and Meyer retired from coaching football to be "closer to his family". Since then, he's been on TV as much as he possibly could, traveling anywhere ESPN tells him to go. Wait, I thought darling Nikki was his family, not ESPN?! Oh, that's right, he's completely full of shit and always has been. Now today it's official that he has taken the job at THE Ohio State University. My ho-hum-since-Woodson Michigan fandom has now been ratcheted up a couple notches. Urban will bring in recruits from all over the eastern half of the United States; don't kid yourself, yankees - when you see those Florida athletes on YOUR team, then you'll start to understand SEC speed. Not only that, he'll run his spread offense through a much-improved (to my eyes) Braxton Miller to START his OSU career, so he'll be a thorn in Michigan's side for...well, until his heart starts hurting or whatever other bullshit comes out next time he loses a big game. I'm betting on polio. Speaking of...
BOARDWALK EMPIRE - I am unbelievably sick of seeing Margaret on this show. She does nothing for the overall story anymore - she just gets in Nucky's way, cries all the time, and she's even cheating on him. I hate it for her little girl (re: Polio reference), but GTFO already, and stop slapping your son!
Best part of last night's show? The Butcher doing away with Jimmy's wife. All she did was cheat, too, and she got a bullet to the head for it. Well, not for it, but karma is a cruel mistress. And Jimmy, as I'm sure we all predicted, can't do shit without Nucky, and has gone soft with power. Ain't gonna last, Darmody. Did you leave town scared, or are you genuinely trying to find new avenues for whisky?
Every - single - second when Arnold Rothstein is on screen, the show is instantly better. He's by FAR the cleverest of the bunch, as even Nucky seeks his wisdom; but his quiet confidence is such a joy to watch in this old school mobster type of vibe. Everybody has to shoot, whack a guy with a cleaver, beat ass with billy clubs (which are all awesome, don't get me wrong)...yet Rothstein will raise a brow or throw a smirk, and when he wants something, he'll get it done. Pretty soon, though, Al and Lucky are going to undercut him - that's when I want to see Roth throw down Corleone style.
MISCELLANEOUS - Last but not least, try to watch this without getting a little misty-eyed. It's like listening to your grandfather showing his vulnerability for the first and only time in his life. I'm out for now, Sebastian's up next.
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