The Joker Report

Week 14 Pick 'Em

Kate time again.  Good LORD.  I mean come on.  She's like the leggy redhead and I'm the wolf, just whistling and banging my head with a hammer.

Obviously this week there won't be as many games, as most teams have finished their regular seasons and/or are waiting on bowl invitations.  Bama fans need to cross their fingers in the hopes we get considered over the Gamecocks.  Lesser number of games being the case, I'll give y'all each one game per Beckinsale unit and see if I can't make some dough this holiday season.  Don't know what Walter's doing this week, but click on his link anyway.  Cuz I said so.  Look, don't fight me on this.  Dammit, just click HERE you lazy POS.  Zee games:

***1 Kate Beckinsales***

Oklahoma -3 Missouri - This one is difficult to gauge.  Can Oklahoma beat the Tigers twice in the same season, or will Mizzou correct the mistakes in the last game and lift Chase Daniel to the top of the Heisman race?  I think my Kansas pick last week to pounce on Chase's "pushy" mistakes, possibly made in his mental pursuit of the Heisman, was a bit premature.  But I'm stubborn, and I'm sticking with it.  Oklahoma has a much better secondary than the Jayhawks, especially the safeties, and I just think Oklahoma is that one perennial big dog that always seems to keep up the winning mentality year in and year out.  This in turn will push Sam Bradford's name back in the mix for Heisman, though if Adrian Peterson didn't get it as a freshman, there's no way Sam will.  And if he does, it'll be anarchy!!
WIN - OU 38 Mizzou 17 - Hooray, I win my crap game.

***2 Kate Beckinsales***

Washington +14 Hawaii - Jake Locker really disappointed me last week.  How the hell can Pac 10 Tebow (Pac Tenbow?) lose to Washington State?  When you didn't play the week before, giving you two weeks to prepare for just the Cougars?  You better make it up to me, Jake.  After all, I named my dog after you...assuming we know each other and I met you over three years ago.  This is only a dos unit because I just want Hawaii to lose and Colt Brennan to slip through the Heisman cracks, so those personal feelings lower it to two.  That and UH really needs to testes up and schedule opponents other than Grissom High School and Helen Keller's School for the What/Where/Owmyhandswtfwasthat?
WIN - Haw 35 Wash 28 - Well this eases the pain a bit.

***3 Kate Beckinsales***

California -13 Stanford - Even though this season has been unpredictable, wild, foolish, silly, and downright mischievous (sounds like college chicks), I still believe that the team with the best athletes can pull through late in the year better than less-talented, more-motivated teams.  Stanford beat USC and Arizona and held it close with a rising Notre Dame team; however, California has Nate Longshore, Justin Forsett, and Heisman-forgotten DeSean Jackson.  Jackson has ONE more game to make his case, and just two more to help his draft status, assuming he's leaving.  This might be the only game I win because I'm pretty confident in my next two picks, which means BOMB.  Sigh.  Actually I've done pretty well; I need to give myself a pat on the back now and then.  And doggone it, people like me.
LOSS - Stanford 20 Cal 13 - Sigh.

***4 Kate Beckinsales***

La Tech +7.5 Nevada - LA TECH WINS THIS GAME OUTRIGHT.  PERIOD.
LOSS - Nev 49 La Tech 10 - HA HA HA.  Nothing to say here.  The mojo is gone.

***5 Kate Beckinsales***

Fresno State -13 New Mexico State - Fresno State is looking like a pretty good team lately, and with New Mexico State floundering, I just see the Aggies rolling over and taking the punishment, looking forward to next year.  Kinda like Bama if we get a bowl game.  Oy, seriously, do we really want to watch another game with this squad?  Yeah yeah Bulldogs and Aggies, blah, I'm talking about Bama now.  I mean, I know we want more practice time for our young ones and the players that actually want to play under Saban, but who the eff wants to see Wilson throw more ducks, or Simeon underachieve yet again, or Prince Hall miss an assignment cuz he thought he saw a leftover turkey leg, or Marcus daydream in the secondary about what it's like to be GOOD, meanwhile his man runs right by him?  I mean obviously I'd like to see my team in a bowl game, and of course I would watch and support them 100%, but this year's a damn wash and it'd be like insult to injury if we lost again, especially if we play someone like UCF so Kevin Smith can set rushing records against us.
LOSS - Fresno 30 NMSU 23 - Apparently even this Bama fan is falling into a downward spiral of losing.

Later in the week I'll have a little ditty bout Jack, Diane, Nick, players we might possibly be giving the boot, and recruits we might possibly be signing in a class with talent we haven't seen in at least a decade at the Capstone.  'Til then, my friends.

P.S.---Nutt to Ole Miss (official), Pelini to Nebraska (maybe), and rumor still has Miles to Michigan after the SEC Championship. Stay tuned.

Week 12 Pick 'Em

Weedline's sig, yet another member of the awesome rivals.com community.

Okay folks, so far I've been throwing up some money balls, literally, the past few weeks in Pick Em since I switched from the usual Yahoo Top 25 to games I actually care about.  We'll see if I can keep up the momentum this week, although I highly doubt it considering I am highly likely to put money on some, if not all, of these picks.

Legal disclaimer---You, the reader, are a dumb shit if you take my advice.  In other words, do as I say, not as I do.  And I say, if you actually follow my Pick Em advice, keep it on the low low and I best be gettin' a percentage.

1 Kate Beckinsales - 1-0
2 Kate Beckinsales - 1-1
3 Kate Beckinsales - 2-1
4 Kate Beckinsales - 1-2
5 Kate Beckinsales - 1-0

***1 Kate Beckinsales***

Brigham Young -11 WYOMING - Apparently Wyoming coach Joe Glenn wants to join the ranks of Dennis Frachione and Bill Callahan in the Joker's Circle of Hate.  Why?  Well, for one, he guaranteed a victory before the Utah game.  Do you know what the score of said game was?  50-0 Utah.  HA HA HA HA, that's fucking awesome, first of all.  Secondly, Utah coach Kyle Whittingham, already up 43-0, kicking an onside kick.  HA HA HA HA, that's fucking awesome again.  Thirdly, right after Wyoming recovered the surprise onside kick, Joe Glenn flipped the bird towards the Utah side of the field.  Real mature, Joe.  Everyone knows you're supposed to flip the bird while simultaneously scratching your eye.  Your guarantee backfired on you, and now karma is with every opposing side you face, including Max Hall and the BYU Mormons...I mean Lifestyle Judgers...I mean Cougars.  Better than You University is currently rolling on a 6 game winning streak and they roll into Wyoming Saturday to get their 7th and to keep their undefeated streak alive within the conference.
WIN - BYU 35 Wyo 10

***2 Kate Beckinsales***

ILLINOIS -13 1/2 Northwestern - The Wildcats are a tricky team to pinpoint, as they have some players who can stretch the field and threaten to get up on you pretty quick.  However, and I understand the Illini should play a little "down" after upending the previously undefeated Buckeyes, but Rashard Mendenhall (1400 yards, 16 total TDs) is on a mission to clutch that Heisman trophy.  This spread is easily covered IF the boys in Orange and Blue can get things going.  With so much fanfare over the Buckeyes game, thankfully this game is at home and they can ride the momentum to another win.
WIN - Ill 41 Nwstn 22

Wisconsin -14 MINNESOTA - I think this line is a case of Wiscy dick; the Badgers have fallen down a little bit, and it looks bleak to all onlookers, but hey---by God it'll work just fine, "just watch", and then you tear it up.  I'm talking about football, of course.  Sure Henne got hurt and Mike Hart didn't play, but the Badgers beat Michigan to remain undefeated at home for two straight seasons.  And PJ Hill or not, they know how to get it done now.  Minnesota, let me remind you, lost to North Dakota State.  Those who remember my lesson, what was their mascot?  The Bison.  Yeees, the bison.  The Badgers will sink their big ass teeth into the "Golden" Gophers this weekend and finish their regular season at 9-3.
LOSS - WIS 41 MINN 34

***3 Kate Beckinsales***

OSU -4 Mich - Ohio State is the better team.  I said that about Auburn before the Georgia game, but Mark Richt must be handing out 8 balls of yayo to the Bulldogs cuz they're playing on another level these days.  I'm backing Coach Sweater Vest as rumors swirl about this being Coach Carr's final season in Ann Arbor, not to mention the ongoing drama of the QB switching and Mike Hart's mouth.
WIN - OSU 14 Mich 3

Idaho +34 BOISE STATE - Ahhh, finally an underdog.  I'm going by what I've seen Idaho do with everyone this year.  They don't get shutout, they play as tough as they can no matter who the competition is, and their largest margin of defeat was 28---done by two big dogs in USC and Hawaii.  If Boise State beats them by 5 touchdowns, DAMN first of all; secondly, watch out for the Bluefield Broncos against Hawaii next week.  I think that god-forsaken blue field will work in their favor, as usual, but not to the tune of 35 more points than the Vandals.
LOSS - BSU 58 Idaho 14

Oklahoma State -14 1/2 BAYLOR - I think this is the perfect type of game that lures people in to thinking hmm, Baylor scored 21 on mighty OU.  Okie State won't be able to cover a two touchdown line.  Wrong.  Dantrell Savage is running hard and I think this will be one of Adarius Bowman's signature performances.  OSU should have beaten the piss out of Texas, but allowed them to come back.  Texas beat Baylor by 21 points.  The Bears come into Stillwater and will get beat by 28 or more.
WIN - OSU 45 Bay 14

***4 Kate Beckinsales***

UCONN -19 Syracuse - This one might get ugly.  If South Florida whooped them 41-10 in their house, a more complete and opportunistic Huskies team will match, if not outgun, that 31 point disparity.  Thankfully Cincinnati's dismantling of UConn last week has lowered this line nicely, so feel free to splurge a full 4 units on this'n.  Like in that movie Just Friends, at the hockey rink: Syracuse, "I brand you, Sir Suckster".
WIN - UConn 30 Syr 7

Penn State -3 MICHIGAN STATE - The Spartans put all their effort and energy into beating the Wolverines two weeks ago and couldn't get it done.  I think Penn State, had they another chance to play Michigan, would take 'em down.  This is a very sound Paterno team, and I'm not sure Michigan State knows how good they are.  The Nittany Lions roll with the #4 rush defense in the country; Michigan State runs with the #21 rush offense in the nation.  Dan Connor and friends will welcome the challenge, and when Brian Hoyer is forced to throw it to their playmaker Devin Thomas, Justin King will be there.  Now granted, King has been on the "receiving" end of some really big plays, but he's got so much talent and he's GOT to be pissed off with everyone picking on him, that maybe, just maybe, he'll come to play this Saturday.  I'll be watching him.
LOSS - MSU 35 PSU 31

West Virginia -6 1/2 CINCINNATI - Like I said earlier, Cincy's beatdown on UConn has not only affected the UConn game line, but this one as well, dropping it into an easy 4 unit game.  The Mountaineers had their lousy game last week against Louisville, with Pat White fumbling three times, when the team as a whole has only lost 10 fumbles all year.  Rita Rodriguez will no doubt be harping on protecting the ball this week, and Pat White, Steve Slaton, Noel Devine, and Darius Reynaud will put on a show against Cincinnati on their home turf, reminding us how good these fuckers are and not to forget them when BCS talks start heating up.
LOSS - WVU 28 Cincy 23 (thanks for fumbling away easy money you shitheads)

***5 Kate Beckinsales***

ARKANSAS -11 Mississippi State - There are a lot of factors in choosing this game as my Pick of the Week:

1) It's not as easy as one would think to win in Fayetteville
2) Just two weeks ago everyone was amazed at Darren McFadden's record-tying performance against USCe, and his name is still hanging around in Heisman talks...and he wants to keep it there
3) Arkansas is coming off a very disappointing showing in Knoxville, and they're pissed
4) Mississippi State, and especially their coach, is probably still celebrating like drunken idiots cuz they knocked off Bama for the second straight year, and I simply can't see them getting hyped up, *again*, to the level they need to be to beat the Razorbacks
5) I think the Hawgs' offensive schemes will create mismatches that State doesn't see coming; in other words, all the right blocks will come to fruition, the Bulldog linebackers will be hit in the mouth, and Felix Jones and Run DMC will find themselves one on one versus State's poor secondary, and that favors Arkansas immensely
6) I noticed MSU stresses a gang-tackling mentality; with the two-headed monster attack of Jones/McFadden, they'll allow you to "think" you can gang tackle, and once Bulldog after Bulldog overcommits, it's going to be an open pasture out there for #5 to again throw his name at the forefront of Heisman contention
7) Though the Arkies have 6 wins, and are therefore bowl eligible, there is no guarantee they actually get in, meaning this is a *must win* for a legit bowl game, not to mention DMC's supposed final game of his collegiate career...

WIN - ARK 45 MSU 31

Now go see what Walter's got up his sleeve for this week.

Week 11 Pick 'Em

Kelly Brook.  Yet another British chick we never talk about here in the states.  And yet she's damn near perfect.  Except for the part about being engaged to Billy Zane.  Who?  Well, if you're a real man, you'll remember Tombstone, and he's the effeminate actor who gets shot at on stage early in the movie.  Anyway, yeah she's hot.  And has straight teeth...who'da thunk?  This is my answer to all those guys who like the beanpole models.  *Plinko*---I win.

Well guys and girls, it seems my luck may soon run out this week, seeing as it's damn near impossible to keep up 70% accuracy, much less 80%.  But by god I'ma keep trying 'til I reach my 90% mountaintop.  My picks for this week are as follows:

5 Kate Beckinsales: 2-0
4 Kate Beckinsales: 1-1
3 Kate Beckinsales: 2-1
2 Kate Beckinsales: 1-1
1 Kate Beckinsales: 0-1

***1 Kate Beckinsales***

New Mexico State +4 SAN JOSE STATE – My explanation: I looked at who each one beat, lost to, the scores, and determined that SJSU will lose.  Hey, at least I’m honest.  I gotta find my games somehow.  Like anyone from outside of those towns knows a damn thing about ‘em anyway, so I don’t wanna hear it.
LOSS - SJSU 51 NMST 17  Eh, I was reaching anyway.

***2 Kate Beckinsales***

Michigan -3 WISCONSIN - It's only a two-er cuz you just can't trust Wisconsin this year.  Especially at home.  They played Ohio State tough until the 4th quarter, and then the bottom fell out.  Sounds like they could use Nick Saban's 4th Quarter system, eh?  Anyway, it's hard to overlook what Michigan has done this year, not to mention the fact that they keep winning and covering/pushing since the first two losses.  They have more talent, and I think Lloyd Carr has them believing in another showdown with OSU to determine the Big Ten champs.
LOSS - Wis 37 Mich 21  Not only did this game not mean anything in terms of the Big Ten championship game, Henne got hurt early and Mike Hart never played a down, so that equals a loss.

Southern Cal -4 CALIFORNIA - I think Pete Carroll has finally taken the reins to his ultra-talented squad and they're moving in the right direction.  Meanwhile Cal has stumbled a bit this year after a sensational start.  Again, like Michigan, I'm going with the better athletes in this one.  It seems like late in the year that matters more than anything else.  This game may be the turning point for the Trojans to once again become world beaters.
WIN - USC 24 Cal 17  Chauncey Washington ran buckwild on the Bears, hitting 220 and a touch in a rainy game in Berkeley.  Trojans still eyeing the Rose Bowl...

***3 Kate Beckinsales***

South Florida -16 SYRACUSE – This is a case of a pissed off coulda-been against a somewhat overachieving terrible team.  Like TERRIBLE.  How terrible?  Well when I first starting scouting games at the beginning of the year---I gave you AJ Brown’s profile for proof---I vowed to not waste my time reporting on players who simply can’t play the position.  Syracuse’s secondary is HORRIBLE.  They’re 90^th in the nation, and my guess is they’re only that high up because the opposition is already ahead and runs the clock out for the rest of the game.  The Bulls have too much firepower on offense and enough playmakers on defense to cover 16…not to mention the Carrier Dome is no fear inducer like Castle Greyskull or anything (I have the POOOOWERRRRR!!)  Anybody else think Teela was hot?  As the Mattress King says, Yeeeahh I thought so!
WIN - USF 41 Syr 10  My my my, look what happens when you give the ball to MIKE F. FORD---29 carries, 132 yards, 2 TDs.  Sure could use your brute force back at the Capstone, Mikey.

VIRGINIA TECH -6 Florida State – I’m basing this on one thing---Drew Weatherford.  There is no way ol’ Doofus Drew can consistently beat Brandon Flowers and Victor “Macho” Harris.  Those guys are in sync at this point of the season, and regardless of the two titans at WR for FSU, Greg “I swear this is my” Carr and Decody “Dude, I swear I’m not a” Fagg, they won’t pass for over 200 yards on VT.  Not in Blacksburg, not with Antone Smith playing the role of overrated running back.
WIN - VT 40 FSU 21  Drew was indeed a terrible 5-15 for 46 yards...til he got hurt.  Backup QB Ponder gave me a scare, but VT pulled away in the end.

Auburn +2 GEORGIA – Simple---Auburn is the better team.  Just because Knowshon Moreno has taken over, which mind you I warned everyone about before the Bama game (go ahead, it's in writing), doesn’t mean he’s their everything.  Because what do they have when you shut Moreno down?  An overrated quarterback with a strong arm and a mediocre receiving corps.  What else…what else…damn, I thought there was something else.  Oh yeah.  THEY ALMOST LOST TO VANDERBILT and had trouble with TROY.  Game set match to Auburn.  Though we love to think so, Tuberville is not an idiot and will have the Tigers ready to do a little rough lovin’ between the hedges.
LOSS - UGA 45 AUB 20  Hmm...maybe Tuberville's mind was on something else...

***4 Kate Beckinsales***

PSU -24 TEMPLE – Temple may be stronger than they usually are this year, but come on.  Penn State can fire on all cylinders when they feel like it and blow this one out.  PSU’s rush defense is 9^th in the nation, while Temple’s rushing attack is 107^th in the nation.  Therefore, the lowly Owls will be airing it out all game long and Justin King and company will have a field day in the hopes of redeeming themselves in the name of defense.  Temple may have a shot with another Big Ten team, but not Penn State.
WIN - PSU 31 Temple 0  Is 13 yards rushing enough to help the Owls jump to 106th in the nation?  *snicker*

ASU -7 UCLA – Just because Oregon, which is possibly the best team in the nation, beat ASU, doesn’t mean everyone should now watch their backs when betting for the Sun Devils.  UCLA has had an up and down year, getting blown out by Utah yet beating Cal?  Tell me something---how will a tight-knit group from Arizona State lose to a team that lost to Notre Dame?  Answer---they won’t.
LOSS - ASU 24 UCLA 20  Welllll technically I was right, but they didn't cover.  As my worthy adversary Walter told me, there is a rule in taking an undefeated team giving points after their first loss.  I have learned my lesson, Obi Walt Kenobi.  (although they had a chance at a 52 yard FG and didn't take it, even though they made a 53 yarder earlier??  Whatevs)

***5 Kate Beckinsales***

LSU -36.5 La Tech – I was only going to have the following game as my only 5 star, but hell, let’s go for broke.  Ryan Perrilloux Is available to play this week.  Which means after LSU is already up 48-3, HE gets a chance to run and pass his ass off in the 4^th quarter, making it a 62-10 final.  La Tech has no damn chance.  I don’t care if they hung around to OT with Hawaii, Hawaii plays offense and sometimes forgets to send their men out for defense.  LSU has a case to make, after barely surviving Coach Shula’s players last week, that they deserve to be in the BCS championship.  It starts with whooping everybody they see from this point on.  First team, Bulldogs.
WIN - LSU 58 La Tech 10  Not really much to say here.

UK -3.5 VANDERBILT – Geeeeeez people.  Just because Vandy beat Georgia and Kentucky lost to Mississippi State doesn’t mean there should be a fricking field goal spread between Andre Woodson and Chris Nickson.  Nashville is actually a nice place to play, so I really don’t see the Wildcats blowing this one.  If Woodson wasn’t enough, the duo of Little and Locke at tailback will be enough to make the Commodores shit a Brickhouse.  Ahhh ha ha, yeah I did that.  Anyway, this spread makes no sense.  Abuse it.
WIN - UK 27 Vandy 20  So that's why the line was so low.  Who cares, UK eeked it out.

Now get on over to Walter Football and mull over his picks.

Week 10 Pick 'Em

Does anybody remember the old Taco Bell commercials where two guys and a girl were sitting around the table and they were trying to explain this new taco, and the girl said "Cruncheweesy"?  Well, this is that girl.  Loved her ever since.  Caitlin Keats is her name, and she actually played a small role in Kill Bill, if y'all can remember one of the fight scenes.  Now boys, let me tell you what---THAT is how a wifey is supposed to look.  Not all filled up with silicone and collagen and botox.  Belie' dat.

And damn, it's Week 10 already?  We better enjoy the shizzle out of football while we can, boys.  It'll be gone before you know it, and from the second week of January on, there's jackshit to care about until March Madness.  Don't take anything for granted!!  You hold on to your team and love it until you can't love it anymore!!  Now go out there and find that fucking dog!!

5 Kate Beckinsales - 0-1
4 Kate Beckinsales - 4-0
3 Kate Beckinsales - 2-0
2 Kate Beckinsales - 1-1
1 Kate Beckinsales - 1-0  

FLORIDA -15 ½ Vanderbilt - Urban Meyer is pissed, Tim Tebow's shoulder is crabby and his cheeks still burn from wiping his tears with his sweatshirt, and the Gators will refuse to let Vanderbilt come into their house and even try to leave with a victory after the Georgia Bulldogs ran/celebrated all over them.  Vandy has a middle school version of Meyer's offense, so this Saturday look for eerie similarities between Ben Hill Griffin stadium (that grassy lot near Randolph school), Florida (me), and Vandy (that loudmouth who thinks he is faster than me).  As Saban thinks of Maximus in Gladiator, I will DOMINATE HIS ASS. Quattro Becks on the Gators.
WIN - UF 49 Vandy 22

Navy +3 ½ NOTRE DAME - Navy could sit out a week, and if West Virginia didn't rush for 360 yards, they would STILL be the #1 rushing team in the nation.  College football fans know by now that the Midshipmen are no joke when it comes to crazy formations and ridiculous amounts of yards on the ground.  Notre Dame happens to be 93rd in the country in rush defense.  Oh yeah, and they suck balls on offense.  I think this "rivalry" has been one-sided for like 50 something years, but it's bound to be broken this weekend.  The damn leprechauns still might have some residual magic left in the tank though, so I'm only betting 1 lovely Kate Beckinsale on this one.
WIN - Navy 46 ND 44

Michigan -4 MICHIGAN STATE - For all intents and purposes, MSU only has Javon Ringer, Jehuu Caulcrick, and Devin Thomas.  Michigan will have Mike Hart back for this game, and backing him is Mallett, Arrington, Manningham, Mathews...the talent at Michigan seemingly never ends.  They've been winning and covering since they righted the ship, and there's no reason to think otherwise against a team that just lost to Iowa.  Last I heard East Lansing wasn't the Swamp or Death Valley, so all indications point to the Wolverines.  4 more Kate Beckinsales.
WIN (PUSH) - UM 28 MSU 24

OKLAHOMA STATE +3 Texas - It's just time for Texas to lose.  I could go into it, but I think the Cowpokes at home is enough to send the Longhorns back home as braised rib eye.  Barely surviving Nebraska was a big enough hint that a loss is imminent.  2 horny Beckinsales.
WIN (PUSH) - UT 38 OSU 35

TENNESSEE -29.5 UL Lafayette - UT will get back into cruise control this weekend in a tune-up for the Razorbacks the following week.  Coach Fatass was lucky to survive the overtime win against Cocktown, but then again I bet on him so he better win.  I mean, what good was bribing the Duncan Donuts guy if he was just going to piss it away?  The Ragin' Cajuns lost last week to Florida Atlantic.  Nuff said.  I'm thinking 48-9 in a blowout with only 327 Rocky Top tunes in between.  3 Becks.
WIN - UT 59 ULL 7

Washington -3 STANFORD - Dude, this is the Pac 10's version of Florida vs Vandy.  Jake Locker is legit, and if his defense could play worth a damn, they'd be a real threat every week.  Thankfully, they'll get the overachievers of Stanford this week, which have played better than the Stanford of old but will have no answer for Jake.  He'll beat him them in the air (1529/13) or on the ground (694/8), and let's keep in mind this kid is still a freshman.  In the end it's a simple win by association---They're the Huskies, I have Dobermans.  Their leader is named Jake, my oldest is named Jake.  I'm sorry, it can't be any clearer than that.  4 Kates.
WIN - Wash 27 Stan 9

OREGON -7 Arizona State - As much as I like cocky and, um, "loose enforcer of the rules" Dennis Erickson, I'm not sure Rudy Carpenter's roller coaster emotions can stay on track and fight fire with fire with the Oregon Ducks.  Let's keep in mind OU should very well be undefeated if their WR didn't fumble at the goal line against California.  I'll go ahead and say it---after this weekend, Dennis Dixon will be the leading Heisman candidate.  Look at the numbers: 1885 yards, 16 TDs, and only 3 interceptions.  Add 492 rushing with 8 TDs.  That's sick.  Sun Devils, you're a fun team to watch, but this Saturday Oregon and record-setting noisy Autzen Stadium will have your number.  4 Kates.
WIN - Ore 35 ASU 23

South Carolina +4 ½ ARKANSAS - DING DING DING **ATTENTION ALL FOOTBALL FANS***  This is El Jokero's Pick O' Da Week.  Steve Spurrier doesn't like losing, and he sure as hell doesn't like losing two weeks in a row.  Last week everything happened to let UT eek out a win in Columbia, and the Ol' Ball Coach let his visor have it.  But thankfully, JUST for my loyal readers, I had an exclusive interview this afternoon with none other than the visor himself:

Joker: So why are you granting me permission and no other media outlets?

Spurrier's Visor: Well Joker, I can't think of a more honorable man with a more credible and open-minded site than yours, so what better way to let my voice be heard.

J: Well thank you, Vise, much appreciated.

SV: Don't call me Vise.

J: Sorry.  As you were.

SV: As I was saying, you and your readers will be the only ones to hear this, so I want to make it clear.  Steve and I have had a stable if not turbulent relationship over the years.  But never as bad as my cousin down in Gainesville had it.  From 1990-2001, my cousin Dale was thrown, smashed, bashed, stepped on, spiked, and all but obliterated because he and Steve had a relationship based on false pretenses.  Ya see, the public doesn't see how sweet and loving he is to ME behind closed doors.  The only reason we Visors continue to keep him in our family is because of the solid foundation Steve has commited his life to for ME.  Somehow, someway, it was I who changed his anger management issues, so the Visor family kept his name in the family will.  Dale and Steve had many accomplishments together, but it just wasn't meant to be.  But all of us know, EVERY one of us, that the only constant in Steve's life that keeps his anger in check, and therefore our happiness together, is victory.

J: I never even thought to think of your relationship in this way, Visor.  I'm so grateful you're telling us all this.

SV: Well, I just think you're a class act, Joker.  And secretly I love the Alabama Crimson Tide.

J: Ah, well I appreciate that.

SV: You're welcome.  Oh, and one last thing.  I overheard Steve talking in his sleep, and he says he plans on putting 8 to 9 players in the box to stop McFadden and Jones on Saturday, knowing full well he can alter the scoreboard at will with his offense.  He said the Arkansas defense will be running ragged trying to catch up to Kenny McKinley, especially after Corey Boyd hits them in the mouth for 8 yards per carry.  I believe his exact words were "Y'all ain't see nuthin yet.  Kenny's 14 catches against UT will turn into 17 catches against Arkansas.  Mark my words."  And then he said something about buttering my muffin...?

J: Ahem, well Spurrier's Visor, I can't thank you enough for the valuable information.  Oh, and hey...don't be scared to call a hotline.  They can help when he gets too...physical.

SV: Well, between you and me, I like when he gets physical!

J: Gross.  This is Joker Report, signing off.

I don't know about y'all, but if that's not enough information, I don't know what else to give you.  FIVE Kate Beckinsales on USC East.
LOSS - Ark 48 USCe 36

Oregon State +15 USC - I don't trust USC as far as I can throw 'em.  They haven't covered for shit this year, and nobody knows what team is going to show up each weekend.  They lost to friggin Stanford, barely beat Arizona, and now they're coming off a loss to Oregon.  They have all the tools and all the players to be dominant, but they're too busy yuckin' it up in Hollywood to implement that into gameplans.  And if the Beavers can beat a strong Cal team, why the hell are they down 15 to the Trojans?  Yvenson Bernard should knock them in the mouth and give them another heck of a Pac 10 throwdown.  Could be a fun game to watch. 2 Kates.
LOSS - USC 24 OSU 3

Illinois -12 MINNESOTA - One sentence should sum this up: North Dakota State beat the Gophers.  I had to look up the mascot.  Any guesses?  Bison.  The North Dakota State Bison beat an established Big Ten team.  What the hell is gonna happen when they face a spread attack with Juice, Mendenhall, and Benn?  Probably roll over and die.  3 Kate Beckinsales on the Illini
WIN - Ill 44 Minn 17

Week 9 Pick 'Em and Various Tidbits

SO am I the only one who has seen Buying the Cow?  Good flick...if Erinn Bartlett above isn't good enough to rent it, Van Wilder himself is also in it, doing the "testes tuck".  That alone should merit the $4 fee to find out for yourself...

Rant – So my buddy was over the other day, and he saw my computer background of two Green Bay Packers shakin’ hands.  “Who are they?” he asked.  Charles Woodson and Brett Favre, and he asks who they are.  Nothing irks me more (other than when people chew ice right next to me) than when I have repeatedly---by my own admission annoyingly and repeatedly---told everyone I know a million different stories about Woodson, and he still asks that question.  And still, you don’t know who Brett Favre is?  Wait, what?  Even my mom would have said “Eh, name sounds familiar.”  First, are you gay?  Secondly…are you gay?  Third, scratch that, are you asexual, like a starfish?  Because some gay guys like football, and not just for the tight pants or talent level of the cheering squad.  DH, you know who you are.  Man up and watch some football for chrissakes.

Man.  I need cheering up.  This should help:

I really am laughing my ass off right now.  Ah Peter Griffin, the world would be a terrible place without you.

On to the picks.  If you'll remember from my last article, I'm trying a new format this time.  One in which I actually think I know what the outcome will be, so there's no escaping blame if I bomb.  Hitting the magical and berrylicious 90% mark won't be any easier this way either, considering I'll only have 10 games, so eat it if it takes me a while.  Keep in mind, if you choose to follow such sage advice that I am willing to give you for free, then you're a nimrod and you should lose your house. 

The stakes have been raised.  I will hold a weekly challenge of my 10 picks versus Walter Cherepinsky's 10 picks over at Walter Football.  We can choose whichever 10 games we want, and whoever loses must post the other's site in a text ad until next face off.  Gonna be hard for you to keep up with my 90%, Wally...

5 Kate Beckinsale units - 1-0
4 Kate Beckinsale units - 3-1
3 Kate Beckinsale units - 3-1
2 Kate Beckinsale units - 0-1
1 Kate Beckinsale units - 0-0

Boston College +3.5 VIRGINIA TECH  - This will be the game where the betting public will vote for Va Tech, assuming another #2 team will go down, especially with it being played in Blacksburg, home of 33 teeth and one dentist.  Hey, look it up, West Virginia's dental care is about as great as Mississippi's....anything.  But I digress, I see it as follows: Matt Ryan > Sean Glennon (wasn't he a Beatle's son?) and the BC defense = if not > VT's.  Yeah, I said it.  I have nothing against the Hokies and respect everything but the Vicks, but I've felt you've been overrated all year and I think the Golden Eagles settle down in the second half and take care of bidness.  I rate this game 3 Kate Beckinsales.
WIN - BC 14 VT 10 - Boo...yah...kah.  Let me repeat my last words: "I think the Golden Eagles settle down in the second half and take care of bidness."  Matt Ryan battled back, and into Top 3 Heisman discussion, after the refs gave VT every chance to win.

South Florida -4.5 CONNECTICUT - Everyone's down on South Florida because they were "exposed" by Rutgers.  Please.  This team, which has only been around for half my life, has already shot up the rankings and will only continue to get better considering the well of talent that lies in the state of Florida.  Don't count them out and on the trail of a downward spiral just because the Ray Ricers beat them one night.  UConn has played against dick this year and will be greatly surprised at how manly and beautiful and strong Mike Ford is as he floats into the end zone with his magical powers.  I give this game 4 Kate Beckinsales.
LOSS UConn 22 USF 15 - My bad, I forgot Jim Leavitt doesn't realize who Mike Ford is.  Apparently Leavitt and staff thought this was a gimme game and wanted to pad Matt Grothe's stats for a hopeful Heisman campaign.  After all, Mike Ford had only 7 rushing attempts compared to Grothe's 25, along with Grothe's 30 pass attempts (and two interceptions).  This is all I need to see, last minutes of the game:

1st and 4 - Grothe up middle for 3 yard gain
2nd and 1 - Murphy rushed up the middle for no gain (MURPHY?!?!)
3rd and 1 - Grothe sacked for 11 yard loss
4th and 12 - Grothe incomplete pass to right
South Florida, you deserve to lose with play-calling like that.  I will no longer associate with your team with the way you dick over a freshman superstar at running back.  University of South Florida FUCKTARDS.  Mama's callin', Mikey.

Indiana +7.5 WISCONSIN - Yeah, the Wiscy has been watered down lately, tasting more like Zima.  They've been exposed as being a big, strong team with a weak gameplan and will to win, and they have no idea how good Kellen Lewis is.  Wisconsin is even more one-dimensional now after losing WR Luke Swan for the season, so the Hoosiers will focus on stopping PJ Hill and keeping the talented IU offense on the field.  I rate this 3 Kate Beckinsales.
LOSS - Wis 33 Ill 3 - Wisconsin lost PJ Hill early (I should know, my fantasy team is fading away), and yet Indiana failed to even score ONE touchdown with their heralded spread offense (again, I should know, as Kellen Lewis is my starting QB).  I watched this game, and it was just ugly.  Theme of this game?  Turnovers for IU (as I'm writing this, IU fumbled again), boring possession game for Wisconsin.  This game was a yawner as Kellen Lewis must have been out late drinking, showing no will to score, much less win this game. 

MISSOURI -28 Iowa State - Okay, so I lost my ass betting OU -30 against the Cyclones last week.  And this is how Vegas gets you---they get a slightly worse team in Missouri, offer a slightly smaller spread, and wait for the betting public to remember how close ISU played Oklahoma and BOOM!  Everyone puts their mortgages on the Cyclones.  Well FUCK THAT, I say.  I'm taking the spread, and Chase Daniel WILL make you his bitch, Iowa State.  You WILL play down to your usual crappy level on Saturday, and this time you won't have the home crowd to help.  Go sweet Mizzou. 2 Kate Beckinsales.
LOSS Mizzou 42 - ISU 28.  Apparently there is no room for stubborness in gambling.  New rule---you're not "sticking it" to anyone by betting the same way two weeks in a row while simultaneously giving money away.

Kansas -2.5 TEXAS A&M - At first glance you're probably thinking, well sure he'll take Kansas cuz he hates A&M's coach.  Well, as 100% true as the latter is, I'm taking Kansas because they are frickin' GOOD.  Like I said last week, with their schedule, they can run the table.  A&M is comprised of an underappreciated scrambler at QB named Stephen McGee (700+ yards rushing, folks) and a fat-assed DT playing RB named Javorski Lane who makes bold predictions like "nobody in the nation has an offense like ours", which I guess is true, cuz it's run by a Coach destined to burn forever in hell.  And Mrs. Lane, I'm sure you're a sweet lady, and I'd love to come over for dinner sometime, but Javorski?  Really?  When you were sitting in the hospital bed and holding his bigass head, the only name that popped up was Javorski?  May as well have named him Ron Jaworski Lane...even though it kinda sounds like a street, at least that way he'd have a cool nickname like Jaws.  3 Beck units on the Jayhawks.
WIN Kansas 19 A&M 11 - First of all, I should point out the correct spelling is Jorvorskie, which somehow is even worse than I thought it was, and secondly THE dark horse of the entire college football world is STILL undefeated.  Mark "Is it me, or did it just get fatter in here?" Mangino and his Jayhawk squad dominated A&M until the final quarter where a couple dink and dunks led to some points.  These boys could meet Oklahoma in the Big 12 championship...

Idaho +16.5 NEVADA - Idaho, though they have a shitty 1-6 record, has hung in there in every single game they've played, with chances to win more just out of reach.  I can't see how Nevada demolishes them by two touchdowns and a field goal.  Sure the Wolf Pack may win, but not by that much.  I can see the public drooling over Luke Lippincott's 241 rush yards last week and the chances of him doing it all over again against a "weak" Idaho Potato squad, but it won't happen.  A bold 4 Kate Becks on this one.
WIN - Nev 37 Idaho 21 - Wheeeeew.  One last score from Nevada almost pushed me to the brink of...well, stress.  But thank god for half points, am I right?  Hiiiigh fiiiive.  Way to back up my bold statement, Idaho.  They don't have a boxscore on this at the time of this update, but Lippincott only hit 119 with 2 TDs...not enough, as the end result is all I need.  Woot.

TENNESSEE -3 South Carolina - Finally the Gamecocks were beaten.  You know, the rest of us SEC folk might not think too much about the typical Gamecock fan, as they've done absolutely nothing in this conference to be proud of (except grow kickass mullets---Steve Taneyhill in the house!),     but my god...the rivals.com USCe fans are a miserable bitch.  By the way they talk you'd think they already have 4 MNCs in their back pocket, with Jesus Spurrier on route to 4 more.  I'm glad Vanderbilt knocked them down a peg or two or twenty, and fortunately for the rest of us the Volunteers will knock them down even more.  UT has way more speed and talent than they showed in Tuscaloosa, and they'll be pissin' mad about how we embarrassed them, and the first team in their way happens to be South Carolina, in General Neyland's stadium, with absurdly tacky day-glo orange checkerboard end zones.  Coach Tattletale will have his team ready for this SEC East showdown, especially considering the division is still up for grabs.  Another 4 Kate Beckinsales on this'n.
WIN - UT 27 USCe 24 - Technically this is a push, but it's my site so it's a win.  If Walter requests my adding a tie category, I will abide.  Yet another exciting SEC game in prime time, Tennessee had to take it to overtime to win this one.  Being a former soccer player, sometimes you can just tell when the kicker doesn't line up properly...Soccup lined up a bit too stiff, and although he had a natural hook field goal attempt to tie the game, be pushed it wide and the Volunteers pull off the "upset".  It was not a good feeling rooting for the hideous orange, but why not on Halloween weekend.

Ohio State -3.5 PENN STATE - I could go into depth on this one, but frankly, I'm tired of writing, my back hurts, and Take Home Chef is about to come on.  Damn that Curtis can find some hotties.  Anyway, like BC, everyone expects OSU's true colors to shine through in defeat this weekend, but it won't happen.  Not yet, at least.  The Buckeyes hold off the Nitwits, making it Unhappy Valley, at least for this year.  And no, I didn't think that was that funny, but I need to throw wit around when I can.  3 Beck units.
WIN OSU 37 - PSU 17 - Ohio State marched into Happy Valley and eloquently proclaimed "Bitch what?!"  I just had that feeling that their dethroning wasn't going to happen this week, and they'll probably remain top dogs until the annual showdown with the Michigan Wolverines, who once again covered this week over Minnesota.  Boeckman was poised in a hostile environment throwing 3 TDs, and Beanie Wells continues to produce with 131 yards on the ground.  Hard to knock a team that continues to get it done.

ARKANSAS -39 FIU - Easy.  Run DMC and Felix "Dude is really good" Jones will dismantle the Florida International Cubans in a rout.  I don't see how this can be anything other than a good old-fashioned ass whooping.  Something to the tune of 62-3.  4 lovely Kate Beckinsales.
WIN ARK 58 FIU 10.  I was darned close with that score.  This is one of those "easy" games that just happened to pan out the way you want it to.  Darren McFadden rushed for 4 TDs and FIU's QB Younger threw up 5 interceptions.

Middle Tennessee State -13 NORTH TEXAS - MTSU is not as perennially awful as they usually are, but North Texas is.  I feel like MTSU is this year's version of Troy last year.  They give better teams tough times while taking care of people on their talent level.  They hung with Louisville, almost beat (undefeated) Virginia, and beat Memphis.  Take the Blue Raiders over the Mean Green, 5 beautiful Kate Beckinsales on my *Pick of the Week* most of the public won't even look at.
WIN MTSU 48 - UNT 28 - They made me sweat a little bit as I listened to snippets on Yahoo audio, but the Blue Raiders managed to pull off my big boy bet.  Hells bells, this makes me feel good, even if I didn't put money on it.  Come to think of it, that's probably why I got this one right.

Week 8 Pick 'Em and Grin

Hellooo Krista Allen.  Some of y'all may know her from Baywatch, some from Emmanuel (little late night Skinemax), but I'm posting her cuz she has fantastic legs, apparently.  Wow, I'd like to sop those up with biscuits and gravy and then...

...so about football.  Last weekend I was on a friggin roll, hitting the first 6 of 7 in my Yahoo league.  It's just really nice seeing all those green "correct" signs next to the games, instead of seeing the usual red "incorrect" signs that remind you of Geometry class.  Well, let's be honest, Advanced Geometry class...yeah, that's just how I rolled in high school.  It's damn near impossible to reach that vaunted 90% mark, but by God, I'm still going to try.  That has to involve some unusual picks, so if I don't vote for your respective team in this week's Pick 'Em, feel free to roll over to the crib and BITE MY ASS.

(Home team in CAPS)

Cincinnati -9.5 PITTSBURGH - Might as well start off the Pick 'Em with an incorrect pick, eh?  This just seems like an easy choice, with the Bearcats coming off a loss to Louisville (called it...hiiigh fiiive) and with Pittsburgh having lost four straight.  When it seems like common sense is abundant, that's when Vegas laughs and jiggles all the change in their pockets, cuz we'll all be betting on the easy choice.  Why heed my own advice here and choose Pitt when I can be stubborn and back my boy Mike Mickens?  Cincy it is.
When you get that "feeling" of it being an "easy choice", you automatically lose.  So I'm calling Pittsburgh +9.5 here.

SOUTH CAROLINA -13 Vanderbilt - Here's another trap game for bettors, as you would surely think the Gamecocks, at home, would take care of the "measly" Commodores from Nashville.  They gave Georgia a rough time, but that's only because I put money on Georgia.  I apologize to those who did the same, as Lady Luck enjoys destroying my finances.  I must have dated her back in the day.  Even though it'll probably turn out Vandy losing by 10, I'll be stubborn once again and take the Gamecocks.

Tennessee *EVEN* ALABAMA - Okay, even Vegas has no idea what the hell is going to happen in this game, so they just threw their hands up and said "Y'all try to figure it out".  I'm going with the fat, loud, obnoxious, doughnut-eating, dick-in-their-hand, obscenity-purging, code-five-level orange jacket wearing, hick pricks who back an even fatter loud, obnoxious, doughtnut-eating, dick-in-his-hand, tattle-telling, code-five-level orange XXXXX jacket wearing Mr. Hankey of a coach in this one.  Why?  Because sometimes assistant coaches make head coaches look better than they are (Kines to Shula, for one), and in this case Cutcliffe to Krispy Kreme.  I'm going to stop there as my next article will dive into more of this Third Saturday in October.  Believe me, I've got stuff to say.

Oklahoma -29 IOWA STATE - My buddy Walter over at Walter Football disagrees with me on this, as he feels the spread is to big for this late in the season, seeing as how the season has progressed so whackily already.  Well, I counter with Iowa State sucks and Oklahoma rules.  Actually, before the Colorado debacle, OU was winning games by 40 points or more, and I still know they're that team.  They've handled Texas and Missouri, now they're eyeing a hopeful BCS title game if someone ahead of them flerks it up (yes flerk), so I say Bob Stoops turns on the afterburners against the Cyclones.

Texas -24.5 BAYLOR - I'm basing this merely on what traditionally happens when these two teams face off.  Texas has had some up and down games, Colt McCoy hasn't lived up to his hype, and the Bears have played better than they usually do, but...I just think it all evens out again this weekend as the natural order of things pans out.

Florida -6.5 KENTUCKY - I'm about as sure of this matchup as any of them.  Jesus or Meyer or the girl with the huge eyes in the picture next to him will light a fire under Tebow this weekend, and he'll be back to his normal 300-400 total yard output against the Wildcats.  I just don't see Kentucky going from one high on beating LSU to another in beating the Gators,  and I'm not sold on them even knowing just how good Tebow is.  He'll plow over defenders in route to a win here.  Oh, and they also have a guy by the name of Percy Harvin...expect to see him more than usual this Saturday as Urban has had two weeks to prepare.

Mississippi State +24.5 WEST VIRGINIA- WHATCHU KNOW ABOUT DAWGS?  I think the general college football population thinks one of the worst teams in the SEC should get blown out by a really good team from another conference.  I really and truly don't think that happens, and I think the Maroon and White will represent the bottom half of the best conference in football rather well this weekend.  As much as MSU has sucked in recent years, they don't suck as bad anymore, and in fact they have a pretty stout defense.  Hell, they were good enough to beat Auburn.  You're welcome for the reminder, Tiger fans.  State is a physical team and will take a lot of time off the clock with Anthony Dixon pounding it down the Mountaineers' throats.  Rich Rodriguez better be...scratch that, Rita Rodriguez better be careful that HER team doesn't get too fancy against a bunch of blue collar workers in the Bulldogs.  The final score should be surprising.

Texas Tech +3.5 MISSOURI - Who is more deserving of Heisman talk---Chase Daniel or Graham Harell?  This game will prove to all who watch that the obvious choice is MICHAEL CRABTREE.  I think this is the game where he finally makes his case to all those "running" the Heisman campaign that a freshman is indeed deserving of this prestigious award, and he's making a furious run at setting records that should last for quite a long time.  If Tech wins, look for more Mr. Crab pubilicity in the coming weeks.  Do your thing, #5.

USC -17.5 NOTRE DAME - What can I say, USC still does that thing with their tongue.  I'll probably pick them all year because of it, until she dumps me for a guy with more money.  The Golden Domers might be the one team, especially with Emu Clausen at QB, that makes USC resemble USC again.

OHIO STATE -17 Michigan State - The number one team should be able to stop the run, so I'm just assuming the two-headed monster of Ringer and Caulcrick are just speed bumps on the way to Tressel owning the Big 10 again.  Like I said, I'm assuming.  Here's hoping the Spartans win and cloud up the Top 5 all over again, but I'm backing the #1 team for now.
Nope, I'm pulling for the Spartans now.  The Buckeyes haven't played anybody better than the Snuggles teddy bear, and it's just that time for my cousin's alma mater (you did graduate, right?) to beat the "best" team in the nation, sweater vests and all.  State +17.

California (off) UCLA - As of now this line is off, but I'll update it once a line shows.  Surely Cal isn't THAT big of a favorite?

Kansas -3.5 COLORADO - Just cuz the Buffs had a great game against the Sooners doesn't mean they are weekly giant killers.  Kansas "be doin it".  Rock Chalk Jayhawk once again.  What the hell does that even mean?  Reesing impressed me last weekend, and check out their remaining schedule: at TAMU, Neb, at OSU, Iowa State, and Mizzou.  Hell, they could win out.  Talk about a dark horse.

OKLAHOMA ST -3 Kansas St - This one is a hard one.  Yeah yeah, "that's what she said."  Seriously, this one's a tossup, but I'd rather talk about this commercial I'm watching right now.  You know the Becks commercial where the girl is yanking a shirt away from the dog, looks up to her boyfriend and says, "Either she goes...or I go"?  Well you know what, bitch?  I'll give you 5 minutes to pack your shit up, and you better thank every lucky star you have I gave you that much time.  An ultimatum involving my loyal and faithful dog...versus YOU?!  Let me quote the dickhead friend in Adventures in Babysitting: "You gotta be shittin' me!"  "Watch your mouth."  "Watch my mouth?  You gotta be shittin' me!"  Hey, I have an ultimatum for you!  Tom or Rick---you pick which psycho ex-boyfriend I'm going to call first to tell him your new address?!  I win!  Now get the hell out.  And as for the jackass that thinks that is such a difficult decision to make, first wipe that stupid confused look off your face; then put down the Becks and pick up a Sam Adams like the rest of the man ranks and hope to high hell one of us actually cares to talk to you again.  Oh, and go Cowboys.

Oregon -11 WASHINGTON - I think Dennis Dixon is the real deal Holyfield, and Jonathan Stewart was that guy with his shirt off at the kegger last night talkin' bout "who else wanna fuck wit Hollywood Cole?"  Seriously, the Ducks are doing some damage and I'd hate to be Jake Locker and the Huskies huffin and puffin trying to keep up with the points.

Michigan -2.5 ILLINOIS - The Wolverines have reeled off five straight wins and seem to have their wits about them after such a terrible start to the season.  Lloyd Carr must have some juice on other coaches or something, cuz UM is still on the path to another Big 10 Championship appearance.  All they need to do is win by a field goal here, so I think they stay on the path.
Wrong.  I'm taking the Illini +2.5.  Michigan was exposed early in the season, and though they have somewhat righted the ship, their defense won't be able to contain the trio of Juice, Mendenhall, and Benn.

Auburn +10.5 LSU - My my, what a biggie.  Death Valley...at night...on ESPN...huge TV audience tuning in...the smell of corndogs permeates the air...it may just be too much for the Tigers to handle.  I'd be wary if the line were at -10, but that extra half point was enough for me to take Auburn.  They're not used to being blown out, and in recent years they remind me of the early 90s Alabama, where every game was winnable despite rank or record.  Although rumors abound that Tommy Tuberville is #1 to replace Coach Immoral Bastard at Texas A&M, I think he rallies the troops and hangs in there with another tight SEC battle.
Eh, I think Auburn will play as well as they can defensively, but Brandon Cox/Kodi Burns are easy reads for top notch defenses, and LSU has the best one.  I think it'll be 24-10 Bayou Bengals.  Taking LSU -10.5.

After I went through all the trouble of giving you perfectly evaluated assessments of fact after fact in these Pick Ems, I will now, as I type this, go back over and pick against myself to try and reach that magic 90% correct plateau.  I will only count my picks in blue font.  Let the witty comments and satire fly...'til then, my friends.

Week 7 Pick 'Em and Flick 'Em (Updated)

Sure she probably can't speak-a dee Englais very well, and she could probably carve the Thanksgiving turkey with her elbows, but isn't that what life's about anyway? Besides, Alessandra Ambrosio is still hot enough to be...Pick Em girl for Week 7!  Hooray, you win nothing!

Alrighty boys, back to the bold predictions that only have me in second place in my Pick 'Em league, which means this week I'm going to overtake first and not look back.  Some will laugh, some will tease, but I, sirs, shall have the last laugh once I clinch that unattainable 90% mark.  That being said, take this with a grain of salt, cuz I don't want to be the reason your kids' toes are poking out of their shoes and they're knocking on my door asking, "Please suh, may I have anotha?"  Another what, cup of soup?  Get off my lawn you dirty bastards!  And tell your father to nut up and make his own picks!

(Home team in bold caps)

Hawaii -19 SJSU - This one is simple.  If June Jones wants to be a legitimate BCS contender in his WhACk conference and high school schedule, than he needs to start playing defense.  Hold a three touchdown lead over San Jose State and maybe we'll all start believing.  Maybe.
LOSS Hawaii 42 SJSU 35.  Piss off, Hawaii.

DUKE +13.5 Va Tech - Did you notice in the Hokies' big win that they only beat Clemson because of a punt return, kickoff return, and interception return for a touchdown?  Sure it's Beamer ball, but that shit ain't gonna happen week in and week out.  And have you noticed how tight Duke has played in every game they've played, against good competition?  Duke doesn't just cover this week, DUKE BEATS VT.
...in average GPA.  Y'all didn't let me finish!  Ah well, I went out on a limb.  A tiny, shaky limb that cracked when the game started.  LOSS VT 43 Duke 14 (although I hedged VT in my Yahoo Pick Em).

OHIO ST -30 Kent St - 30 is a big spread, but I'm not so sure it'll be a blowout.  Something like 38-7 just to squeak by the spread.  After all, Kent St isn't dreadful, as they managed to beat Iowa State and put up 20 on Kentucky.
WIN OSU 48 - Kent St 3.  Guess it was a blowout after all.  Don't sleep on the Buckeyes OR the Wolverines down the stretch.  They could make us some money.

SOUTH FLORIDA -12 UCF - Central Florida could also be 5-0 if they took care of the little things, including a big win over Texas---but they're not 5-0, they're 3-2, and they don't take care of the little things, and Jim Leavitt will have his Bulls in line for a run at the title.
WIN USF 64 - UCF 12.  Mike Ford got an astonishing 8 carries this time!  (but he scored)

IOWA +3.5 Illinois - I just think it's time for the Illini to lose.  That's all I'm basing this on.  Sure I could talk about how underrated Reshard Mendenhall is or how explosive Arrelious Benn is, but this time I'm going to stick with Albert Young, Iowa's RB, finally showing his gamebreaking ability and upsetting Illinois to further cloud the Big Ten title picture.
WIN Iowa 10 - Ill 6.  Sweet.  Love when I'm right.

Texas -16 IOWA ST - Iowa State sucks.  So does Texas.  I'm tired of Texas always hanging around in the Top 25 cuz they play in the Big 12.  Wow, you can beat up on Rice, congratulations.  Unfortunately we don't have side dishes of chinese food to demolish in the SEC.  Strictly because Iowa State sucks so badly, Texas wins this spread.
WIN Texas 56 - ISU 3. 

Baylor +27 KANSAS - Considering I called Kansas to upset Kansas St after a big win at Texas, I think Kansas won't be in top form against Baylor.  They look like a helluva team, but they won't be firing on all cylinders this Saturday and won't be able to cover against Baylor.
LOSS Kansas 58 - Baylor 10.

Tennessee -7 MISS ST - There's a big to-do on the rivals board about taking Mississippi State here.  Whatever.  I guess Vegas will win even more money on Tennessee.
WIN Tenn 33 - Miss St 21.

Washington St +18.5 OREGON - I just don't think the Ducks will cover 18 this weekend.  I'm starting to really like that team, though, so it won't bother me if they do.
LETS JUST SAY I LOST A LOT FROM HERE ON...

South Carolina -7 NORTH CAROLINA - I'm speechless as to why this line is only a touchdown.  Just because Miami stunk it up in the first half against the Tarheels, that means they're a threat to the Gamecocks?  Nephew PLEASE, Spurrier will wipe Butch Davis clean and remind them they're still a basketball school until their underclassmen grow up.

USC -21 Arizona - It's analagous to that one girlfriend you knew was bad for you, but for some reason you just couldn't shake.  I...just...can't...stop...letting the USC mystique influence me when I bet.  They just lost to Stanford, the equivalent of her cheating on me with my best friend...yet somehow, her eyes or her hair or her smell or that thing she does with her tongue always makes me take her back.  That said, USC big over the Wildcats.  Ugh...I'm so ashamed.

LSU -10 KENTUCKY - As much as I appreciate Andre Woodson's talent, LSU's defense will make him look simply better-than-average this weekend.  He's never faced Jackson, Taylor, Steltz, and Zenon in a secondary, and he's not going to know what to do when he faces them, either.  Kentucky doesn't have the size up front, on either line, and this one could get ugly.

Wisconsin +7 PENN ST - In order for my prediction of Wiscy being Big Ten champs to come to fruition, I need them to win out.  First stop, College Park.

Boston College -13.5 NOTRE DAME - Don't think about it.  Just don't even think about it cuz it's not going to happen.  Take the superior team, quarterback, and defense, and collect your money on Sunday.

Georgia -7 VANDERBILT - I'm probably going to put all $3.58 of my life savings on this game.  Even if Vandy has a scrambling quarterback who can either run or throw it up to Earl Bennett, that doesn't mean they can hang with the Bulldogs.  This one seems to easy, and I don't see how it reeks of something fishy.  Go Dawgs.

Missouri +10.5 OKLAHOMA - This is the one game I'm not positive about (as if I'm flawless up to this point or something).  When Oklahoma has it all together, they can beat anybody.  But I just see Chase Daniel going to town on their overrated corners.  Mel Kiper lowered Reggie Smith from his #1 Junior cornerback before the season to his #2 Junior cornerback as of this week.  He'll lower it even more by year's end.  It's the safeties who do all the work in OU's secondary, and with Daniel at the helm, it may be too much for them to handle.

CALIFORNIA -14 Oregon St - What do you do to stop Oregon St?  You put a cleat up Yvenson Bernard's ass and the rest is cake.  Desean Jackson still has Heisman dreams, and the Bears take down the Beavers in route to National title hopes.

Louisville +10 CINCINNATI - It's just time for this to happen.  Louisville not only covers, they win.  This is college football, upsets happen all the time, Douglass and Urrutia are back for Brohm, and Cincinnati's opportunistic defense can't hold off the Cardinals all day.

Auburn +3 ARKANSAS - What can I say, Tubs can take it to a one-man-band better than Alabama can.  We happened to win this year, but Auburn will win by more.  The Tigers have a faster defense than Alabama, they can handle big running backs, and they won't allow Casey Dick to throw three easy touchdowns off play action like he did against Bama.  Not to mention they're probably still stinging from the defeat last year.  Take Auburn.

ARIZONA ST -11.5 Washington - Coach Erickson.  Love that cat.  He's brought half a million college teams back to prominence...or at least back inside the Top 25.  Too much talent on the Sun Devils for the Huskies to compete.  Besides, if you take care of Jake Locker (Tim Tebow Jr), what else do they have?  Exactly.  Take care of business with Ryan Torain and move on to a showdown with #2 California.  Besides, it's not like they're facing this Washington:

So that completes your Week 7 picks.  You can thank me later.  Or if I happen to be incorrect on a few, I might be out of town for a while.  'Til then, my friends. 

Week 6 Pick 'Em and Peel 'Em

Week 6 Pick 'Em girl---Elisabetta Canalis.  Not bad, eh?  Yeah right, not bad like a twinkling black Lamborghini Gallardo Spider at your beck and call.

Hello again, gentlemen (and certain ladies).  This week I'm trying to go against the grain a little bit with my picks, because last week has started the "oh it's like that now, huh?" trend in college football---upset alerts.  No longer can we just assume Team A will win, because we're in the thick of things now and teams are really battling for a chance at a BCS bowl game.  Let's just say Oklahoma isn't bullet-proof and USF isn't messing around.  Anything can and usually WILL happen, so it's time to take some risks.

As I have said before, unless you're an idiot or a glutton for financial punishment, do not quote the Joker while simultaneously telling your wife you have to get a third mortgage.  Don't involve me in your silly concoctions, even if I'm 90% correct this week (how killer would that be, eh?).  So without further ado, let us pray...I mean drink...I mean commence:

Bowling Green +20 @ Boston College.  As good as Matt Ryan is, BC's defense keeps games with inferior opponents too close to allow for a 20 point spread.  Bowling Green is no slouch, either, so I think they beat the spread.

West Virginia -26.5 @ Syracuse. I don't think home field advantage has meant anything to Syracuse since the 90s.  And West Virginia has go to be thinking, "Hey, we lost to USF, we're down but not out.  There is a small chance no team will go undefeated this year, so let's win the rest by as big a margin as possible and hope for the best."  Or they could just be thinking, "Ah sweet, we play Syracuse this week."

Kansas +3 @ Kansas State.  Call me crazy, but I just think Kansas will pull it off or K State will win by a point.  I think with State coming off a high after the Texas victory the players' minds won't be as sharp as they need to be to put away Kansas.  Not to mention, though the opposition has been foul, Kansas has been putting up great numbers; led by quarterback Todd Reesing, who only has one pick on the year, they could surprise.  Rock Chalk Jayhawk.

Illinois -2.5 vs Wisconsin.  As much as I want Wisconsin, and therefore my prediction, to win out and become Big Ten champs, I think they'll finally hit a bump in the road if the Illini can stack the box to stop the Badger Bus known as PJ Hill.  Let's assume the Zookster is privy to such secret information and doubles the pain by putting the ball in his playmaker Arrelious Benn's hands as often as possible.  Let's hope the home field advantage comes into play as well.

Tennessee -1.5 vs Georgia. I'm confident about two games this weekend, and that should scare me away from the gambling, but knowing me it won't.  This is the first game.  I saw Jonathan Hefney do a pretty bang-up job spying Tebow and Percy Harvin in the Florida game before it all turned awry in the second half due to turnovers.  He should be able to contain the two-headed monster of Thomas Brown and Knowshon Moreno and free up his teammates to create havoc in the backfield.  If UT's offense gets into a rhythm, look for more praise to be heaped on David Cutcliffe after this weekend.  Georgia has looked a little too good lately and I think they're due for a letdown.  That, and they'll probably be driven insane by the 348 times Rocky Top is played during the game.  Hey, fat guy's going to pee? "ROCKY TOP, YOU'LL ALWAYS BE..." Hey, is that Richard Marx?  "HOME SWEET HOME TO ME..."

Oklahoma -11 @ Texas. Aaand this is my other "sure bet".  I think Colorado woke up Oklahoma big time, kinda like messing with a sleeping doberman, and they're going to come out baring fangs.  I don't care if it's at Texas, OU is going to put their stamp on the Big XII Saturday and beat them up Brooklyn-dark-alley-style.  I mean, who would you want on your side going into a dogfight, Bob Stoops or Mack Brown?  Exactly.  Look for a big game from WR Malcolm Kelly, who laid a goose egg in Boulder.

USF (-16) @ Florida Atlantic (they have a stadium?)  Ok, let's get this straight.  We have a scrambling QB in Matt Grothe, an Alabama transfer in speedy freshman Jamar Taylor, the veteran leader Benjamin Williams,another Tide-wannabe-but-couldn't-make-the-grades-but-somehow-could-at-USF? true freshman Mike Ford, an NFL-caliber cover corner in Mike Jenkins, an NFL-level linebacker in Ben Moffitt...compare all that to FAU's fantastic duo of...um...yeah.  Jim Leavitt has these kids believing in themselves, Matt Grothe is a blue collar "just get it done" type of leader, and for heaven's sake, the kid is averaging 5.6 yards per carry---GIVE THE BALL TO MIKE FORD.  USF covers.

Arizona State -9 @ Washington State.    I'm riding the Dennis Erickson train.  The more I think about it, the more this could be a third "sure bet".  I think -9 is quite gracious of the Vegas gambling gods, kind of like a public "our little secret" with a sly wink.  Sell your soul to the Sun Devils.

Clemson -5.5 vs. Virginia Tech.  Okay, this is the game where CJ Spiller and James Davis get into the zone and where Beamer realizes his team's talent level has dropped off from previous years.  Contain the now-commonplace large freshman quarterback "I can pass but I'd rather run" prototype, and they'll be forced to rely on a mildly overrated running back in Branden Ore.  Death Valley, you loud ass stadium, this will be the only time I root for tigers of any kind.  Don't let me down.

USC -39.5 vs Stanford.  Okay, I'm giving Mr. Carroll and Company one last shot at showing me a definitive result of Top-Everything classes umpteen years in a row, displaying more talent than any other team in the nation, that can actually demolish an opponent.  Get it together against an inferior team, whose mascot is a friggin tree for chrissakes, and take them out behind the woodshed.  I want to smell fresh pine burning all the way down here in Alabama.

Ohio State -7 @ Purdue. I always tend to bet against the Buckeyes, as I'm partial to the Wolverines, but I can't do it this time.  They seem to be in rhythm, and Curtis Painter is due for an off day, especially at the mighty Horseshoe.  Go Beans!

LSU -9 vs Florida.  I would like to consider an upset, but I don't see it.  The cajun version of Death Valley won't greet Mr. Tebow too kindly, and neither will the first tiger---Glenn Dorsey, the second tiger---Ali Highsmith, or the third tiger, provided he makes it there---Craig Steltz.  Tebow will have a difficult time running downhill with those three concrete poles in the way, and provided the LSU defense is once again unforgiving in the run game, Tebow will be forced to throw it on one of the best cornerback duos in the game, Jonathan Zenon and Chevis Jackson.  Oh, and all that tricky-dicky crap Urban Meyer has planned...it won't work.  In fact, it may get ugly.

Cincinnati +3.5 @ Rutgers. I'm going to ride with my Bearcat defense again; these guys are on a roll and feeling good.  Not to mention Ben Mauk has been a good, consistent leader for the offense.  Concentrate on that big barrel called Ray Rice and they can eek out the upset.

Nebraska +7 @ Missouri.  As much as Nebraska has been struggling, as well as Chase Daniel and the Tigers have been playing, and as much as I dislike Bill Callahan, he will somehow walk out of Columbia with a win and cloud up any clear leader in the Big XII North.

Utah State +39 @ Hawaii. The only way you can predict this game is on whether or not Hawaii's defense shows up to play.  Still, maintaining a 5+ touchdown lead even with Colt Brennan at the helm is hard to do.  Toss up here, going with the Aggies.

I feel pretty good about these picks, but then again, I felt pretty good about Scotty Smalls's chances with Wendy Peppercorn. No soup for you if you have no idea what I'm talking about.  Again, it's time to start making risky picks in this topsy-turvy realm of college football, but for this week I think things remain relatively stable to even out last weekend.  If you want to see some more upset specials, or if you just want to know how many units to put on which games, visit my friend over at Walter Football.  Till then, my friends. 

Week 5 - Pick 'Em if Ya Got 'Em

Why Sophia Bush, you ask?  What does she have to do with Pick 'Em?  Is it like the Michael Crabtree google thing?  Actually no, she's just really really hot.

Sooo anyway, I debated on whether or not to publicly discuss how well or how terribly I can predict college football outcomes.  Then I thought to myself, who the hell cares, put it out there.  So without further ado, let me catch you up on my previous weeks:

Week 1 - 10/19
Week 2 - 7/20
Week 3 - 15/21
Week 4 - 13/21

So you're probably thinking, with the exception of week 2, that's not too bad, Joker!  Well, I'll admit I include the (off) games where there are no spreads, but hey, a win's a win, dammit.  And I doubt anyone else would admit that to you, so hopefully I have endeared you with my honesty.  Or with the picture.  Regardless, let's get to week 5, my lucky number.  I have this feeling that it's going to be a big money week or a complete bomb, so I wouldn't recommend anyone following my advice.  Plus I don't want to get sued, plus I don't want to come off as "that guy" who entices all my readers to gamble.  So here we go:

West Virginia -7.0 South Florida - I have been watching both of these teams.  West Virginia because Pat White is the starter on my fantasy team, and South Florida because manchild (and former Bama commit) Mike Ford is learning the college ropes as a freshman before he destroys records and eats children in his wake for the next couple years after that.  WVU is just hitting its stride with White, Slaton, and Devine, and South Florida has to have a little kink in the confidence sometime this year.  WVU will do that to them.
LOSS (USF 21 - WVU 13)

LSU -40.0 Tulane - This could be a trap game, but barring a miracle, Tulane won't even get a sniff of the goal line, and LSU can practially trip their way across Tulane's and cover the spread.  40's a big line, but come on; LSU's bad ass and Tulane barely edged SE Louisiana last week.
LOSS (LSU 34 - Tulane 9)

North Carolina +18 Virginia Tech - The line has gone up, so the bettors are hitting up Tech to cover.  But UNC has nothing to lose.  Might as well make it count against a freshman QB and an overrated defense.
WIN (VT 17 - UNC 10)

Penn State -3 Illinois - My vast knowledge of this game---PSU has that Morelli guy and Illinois has that Benn dude.  PSU takes it.
LOSS (ILL 27 - PSU 20)

Mississippi State +13.5 South Carolina - I don't think people realize the improvement Croom and the Bulldogs have made since the Bayou Bengals beat them up on the playground.  They can move the ball better now and their defense is underrated.  I think the Ol' Ball Coach is probably overlooking this game for the shootout versus Kentucky next week, so don't be surprised if this game stays close late.  Doesn't hurt that Jasper Brinkley is out for the season, either.  Oh, and have you read my VERSUS on Munnerlyn, USC east's cornerback?  Harsh.
LOSS (USC 38 - Miss ST 21...nice late touchdown in the last minute there, Steve)

Boston College (off) UMASS.  Sweet, victory #1.
WIN (BC 24 - UMASS 14)

Ole Miss +15 Georgia.  The way those Rebels played against Tebow has them believing in themselves, and with Stafford's chubby cheeks windblasted from his sprint to the dogpile in Tuscaloosa, he'll be caught off guard and hopefully Ole Miss can finish off what the Tide couldn't do.  There's ALWAYS a game like this that happens in the SEC...let's just hope they cover the hyper Moreno.
LOSS (UGA 45 - Ole Miss 17)

Kentucky -22 Florida Atlantic.  Andre Woodson.  WOODSON.  Synonymous with Heisman.  Do your thing, Andre 3000.
WIN (UK 45 - FAU 17)

Oklahoma -22 Colorado.  I might take OU in every game until they stop winning by 40 every single time.
LOSS (CU 27 - OU 24)

Iowa State +21 Nebraska.  One word---Callahan.  He and Dennis Franchione are like the Corey Haim and Corey Feldman of the Big XII.  Except they don't know as much about football.  Zing!  (while I'm at it, have you seen Feldman's wife?  Google it, dude.  Gives us normal guys hope.)
WIN (NEB 35 - ISU 17)

Oregon -5.5 California.  I might parlay the Oklahoma bets with Oregon until I lose.  Dennis Dixon and that spread offense is just incredible.  I see this as a UK/Ark game parallel; Cal (Ark) will run the ball with Forsett and try to control the clock, but as soon as Oregon (UK) gets it, boom they score, and it all backfires and it becomes a shootout.  Which Oregon wins.
LOSS (Cal 31 - Oregon 24)

Clemson -3 Georgia Tech.  I might put some real money on this one.  I don't think James Davis OR CJ Spiller get enough credit and attention to the skills they give the Tigers in the running and the passing game.  Yeah GT has a good D, but they can't contain those two guys.  I say Clemson big.
LOSS (GT 13 - Clem 3)

Rutgers -16.5 Maryland.  Just 'cuz.  Ray Rice and yada yada.
LOSS (Mary 34 - Rutgers 24) 

Kansas State +14.5 Texas.  Colt McCoy ain't all that and KSU is better than most assume.  Kansas State would be undefeated if it wasn't for one stupid lapse of reason where they didn't bring the TE to double Quentin Groves of Auburn.  You did it the play before and stopped him, WHY would you not do it again in the red zone?
WIN (KST 41 - UT 21)

Michigan State +7.5 Wisconsin.  MSU will win.  Wisconsin does less with their talent than almost every team in the nation.  They should be running over everyone they face in route to the Big Ten championship.  They snuck by Iowa, but Coach Dantonio has other plans this week.
WIN (Wis 37 - MSU 34)

Idaho +25.5 Hawaii.  Idaho played USC tough and Hawaii doesn't play defense.  Simple arithmetic.
LOSS (Haw 48 - Idaho 20)

Alabama +2.5 Florida State.  Well well well, here's the biggun'.  I'll save the notes for the article, but like I said before the UGA game, I feel better about the 'Noles than I did about the Dawgs.  Call it 30 years of history and intuition.
LOSS (FSU 21 - Bama 14)

USC -20.5 Washington.  USC gives me the feeling they're starting to click, and that's bad for opponents.  Real bad.
LOSS (USC 27 - Wash 24) 

Auburn +18.5 Florida.  In my heart of hearts, I can't see the Gators running up the score against an Auburn team that perennially gives them a hard time.  Maybe things in the SEC are different this year, but I'm rooting for the Tigers on this one.  Ugh, I don't like saying that.
WIN (AU 20 - FLA 17)

Minnesota +23.5 Ohio State.  I'm just assuming OSU's blowout last week was just a great game by them and a poor one by Northwestern.
WIN (OSU 30 - NW 7)

Arizona State -14 Stanford.  Oregon was up big on Stanford, got cocky, let them come back, then turned on the jets to end them.  ASU won't get cocky and should put Stanford--and Harbaugh--in their place.
WIN (ASU 41 - Stan 3)

Cincinnati -14 San Diego State.  Cincy is playing great this year, and they have the X-factor---cornerback Mike Mickens, who already has four interceptions on the year.  Not good enough?  Well his teammates have EIGHT more and SEVEN fumble recoveries.  That's an opportunistic defense, and I like their chances.
WIN (Cincy 52 - SDSU 23)

So, win big or fail miserably?  We shall see.  If you want someone who has odds over the years and has been doing this for a while, check out my friend Walter's picks HERE.  Till then, my friends.