The Joker Report

Gauntlet - Part Six (AUJclayton)

Disclaimer - Pay attention fuckwads.  I will put this atop every guest writer's article in the hopes that you will truly understand that the words being said in the following article are NOT my words, even though some may end up being true. So if you have a problem with anything being said or any grammatical mistakes or spelling errors, direct it toward him/her, not me, or I will bring the Joker wrath.  And you and I both know you don't want that.  And if you do, as Hank the Dwarf so eloquently quipped..."Your mutha."

As soon as I open my big mouth about my temporary success at pick ‘em, look what happens.  I should have known better, but I let the situation get the better of me.  Luckily, my over confidence only cost me one game overall, so it could have been worse.  I still hold a one game lead over Fag X, but that could be fleeting.  In the future, I will do a better job of actually carrying myself with some class and sportsmanship as opposed to just talking about it.  If I am going to continue to call out Fruit X, and we all know that I will, I have to be accountable for my behavior so I will just go ahead and put that in check.  Everyone have a happy Halloween?  Goood, goood<insert Family guy clip, bug on the couch>
(Not only did you submit this to me at MIDNIGHT, you're asking me to find your pictures too?  Are you fucking nuts? ~J)

Amidst rumors that Chizik had lost control of the team, and after three horrible performances in a row, the Auburn football team from the first five weeks of the season finally showed back up against Ole Miss.  It may have come too late to save any shot that AU had at competing for an SEC title….I hear you chuckling….but it did not come too  late to salvage the season for the Tigers.  Everyone knew that this would be a rebuilding year of sorts for AU, it was just a question of how well they would be able to perform with a low number of scholarship players, depth issues, and a new coaching staff.  After the first five games of the season, it looked as though Chizik was going to be up for coach of the year, and it also appeared that Auburn was light years ahead of where they were supposed to be.   Then came weeks 6, 7, and 8, and with those three weeks came three big losses.   Those same three weeks left all to wonder if Chizik was as bad as his record at Iowa State.  It also made many question the talent level of the team.  How could players that were any good look so bad for three weeks?  It is still a good question.

But, for whatever reason, Auburn did show back up against Ole Miss and now all of the fans are wondering if they can sustain it.  No one seems to know exactly what happened over those three weeks, and if they do, then they aren’t telling anyone in the media.  But I think that it is safe to say that no one will care about what happened then if Auburn’s coaches can find a way to keep winning or competing now.  All any fan wants is for his/her team to compete with everything that they have for an entire game.  If that is not enough to win, at least the fans know that you left it all on the field.

Auburn played pretty damn good football against Ole Miss, but it must be said that Ole Miss did not play their best game.  Even with that being the case, how much of that was a direct result of how Auburn played?  How much of that is on Nutt?   How much of that is on Chizik?  None of that really matters because AU came out and took care of business.  We can argue all day about the finer points of who the better team is but if Auburn plays like that for the rest of the season, they will have a chance to win every game.  Still, having witnessed Auburn’s inconsistency first hand, I will stop short of any bold predictions and instead just watch and hope.   Furman is up next which means that going into the UGA game Auburn will have 7 wins and will be looking for number 8.

The coaching staff finally saw fit to rest McCalebb for a couple of weeks in order to get him back to full speed for UGA and/or Alabama.  Thank goodness because we will need him.  But with all of this good news comes some bad.  Zac Ethridge, Auburn’s starting safety, was lost for the season with a neck injury.  He is lucky to be a) alive, and b) able to walk.  Both of these things are thanks to Rebel tailback Rodney Scott.  This kid is a true freshman and showed wisdom and sportsmanship years ahead of his age by staying still under Ethridge as he lay there unable to move.  If R. Scott had not done this, the story would have been a lot worse.

Zac Ethridge was probably Auburn’s best defensive player and he will be impossible to replace as it appears as though stud safety Mike McNeil will redshirt this year.  After watching a team leader go down, and losing one of their better players for the remainder of the season, Auburn’s defense did not break or fold.  They stood strong and had their single best defensive performance of the year against a damn good Ole Miss team.  It was still far from perfect, but it was more than enough to get the job done.  It was an inspired performance and it was fun to watch.  As a fan, I can only hope that we can reach that level on defense in each game for the rest of the year.   Even though AU lost Ethridge, Antonio Coleman is healthy again and this showed in his performance against Ole Miss.  His two sacks were critical.  Couple this with that fact that Eltoro Freeman has emerged as a solid starter at LB and maybe, just maybe Auburn’s defense can move forward in a positive direction.

Prior to the start of the season, I predicted that AU would have a 7-8 win season, and while the loss to Kentucky initially seemed to have spoiled my prediction that mark is now well within Auburn’s grasp.  I also predicted that Auburn’s recruiting would be strong under the new regime, and while the biggest recruits have yet to commit, AU’s class is currently 12^th in the nation (as ranked by rivals.com) and seems poised to move up even further.  It is no secret that M. Dyer will be committing to Auburn within a week, and it looks as though T. Reed may be quick to follow.  Those two recruits would easily put Auburn’s class in the top ten, so it is safe to say that the coaching staff is doing a damn good job of recruiting.  The point is, Auburn fans, there is plenty to feel good about.  Let’s just hope that the team and the recruiting will finish strong.

WEEKLY PROPS to the Auburn Tigers for waking up and getting a W against a good, ranked SEC opponent.  I am not sure where the team went for three weeks, and I don’t want to jump the gun, but it was good to see it again.  Let’s hope that the team and coaches can sustain this momentum and finish the season strong.  WDE!!

WEEKLY PROPS to the Oregon Ducks and staff.  After watching Oregon get handled by Boise in week one, I did not see any way that Oregon could have knocked off USC.  But they did, and they did it running away.  Oregon has come a long way since the start the year and they are without their number one RB in L. Blount.  Wow and props.

WEEKLY PROPS to Ole Miss running back Rodney Scott.  This true freshman showed great sportsmanship by being still while trapped under Auburn safety Z. Ethridge.  Any move on Scott’s part could have cost Ethridge his ability to move or even taken his life.  In a week where sportsmanship in the SEC has been under fire, this kid sets a great example of how things are supposed to be.  Kudos and props.

WEEKLY WTF to Mike Slive and the SEC office in Birmingham.  Are you really going to let Spikes go with just a measly half game suspension for TRYING TO GOUGE SOMEONE’S EYES OUT!!!  Really, Mike Slive, who is in commercials that reference good sportsmanship!!!  Hmmmm, let me think….this doesn’t have anything to do with the fact that Spikes plays for SEC sweetheart Florida, does it??  Or SEC buttboy Urban Meyer?  What would have happened if it would have been a UGA player getting caught on tape doing this same thing to Tebow?  Something tells me it would not have been just a half game suspension….this is getting RIDIDCULOUS!!!!

WEEKLY WTF to Michigan and Rich Rod.  I have personally witnessed Illinois being beaten handily by almost every team that they have faced and that is the best that Michigan can muster?  Rich Rod, I actually started to believe that you had it turned around up there and I have never liked you one bit.  Now I remember why.  Alabama, the luckiest thing to ever happen to your university was to miss out on Rich Rod.  You ended up with Saban, and you are not stuck in the eternal mediocrity that is Rich Rod.  Double winner.

Let us move on to some picks….

After my ‘O-So eloquent speech’ about Homo X, his bag of douche, destroying him, etc…I had an extreme let down.  So this week, I am going to keep it fairly soft spoken and plain.  After all, if you are right, you are right and no amount of childish banter will change that.  Also, if you win a contest, you win and no amount of B.S. will change that.  That is all that really matters.

I am going to go a little old school, but not taking it quite as far back as my cohorts.  This week’s units will be Nemcovas in honor of the beauty that is Petra Nemcova.  (Pic was a little risque, my man. I toned it down a bit. ~J)

This one time SI cover girl was one of the hottest women ever, but her career was cut short by the tragedy known simply as ‘the Tsunami.’  She is still beautiful but now she dates James Blunt, so she loses some points.  On to the picks->

Texas El Paso -7 v Tulane* Texas El Paso is a pretty good football team.  They did take down Houston….Tulane is pretty bad.  The common opponent is Houston.  While T. El Paso beat Houston in a shootout, Tulane was totally dismantled.  This game feels like a lock.  Texas El Paso covers.  5 Nemcovas

Kent -3 v Akron* Kent is a fairly impressive offensive team.  Akron has only won one game.  The common opponent is Ohio, who I happen to hold in good regard and while Kent beat them by 9 points, Akron was beaten by 11.  Kent covers with ease.  4 Nemcovas

Oregon -5 v Stanford* Oregon, for whatever reason, has really hit their stride.  Stanford is not a bad football team.  There are a few common opponents between these two teams and the most notable factoid out of all of those is that Oregon beat every team a little worse than Stanford did.  I am fully aware that this game could go either way, and I love Harbaugh, but I think that Oregon wins by at least 6, so I am rolling wit it.  3 Nemcovas

Houston -1.5 v Tulsa* I feel as if I must be missing something here.  It almost seems too good to be true and that worries me…almost enough to not take it.  Houston does not have a huge defensive presence, but they can usually outscore their opponents.  I know that Tulsa can score too, so I am counting on Houston to keep it up.  There are two common opponents in UTEP and SMU.  Both teams were beaten by UTEP, but Houston scored a LOT more points, though they allowed a lot more….but, SMU was beaten decisively by Houston while Tulsa lost to them.  Close game until the 4^th, but Houston wins and covers.  2 Nemcovas

Duke +10 v North Carolina* I like Duke and they have played well in every big game and venue that they have been in this year.  UNC did just beat Va Tech, while Duke was beaten by them in a high scoring, close game.  But UNC lost to Virginia in a game where they were held to just 3 points, while Duke beat Virginia by 11.  I like Duke plus the points and I feel the possibility of an upset.  1 Nemcova

I sure hope that things go better this week for my picks.  I need to regain some momentum like those Auburn Tigers, WDE!!

BTW, both my sister and my mom are a little repulsed by the homosexual, fruit bag type, so that pretty much eliminates the both of yous.  Good effort though, good effort….heheheJ

And Matt Self...what to say to you.  You have to be the dumbest smart guy that I have ever met.   You are certainly not as clever as you think you are. Do you still have that same boyfriend in T-town?  If not, you and Gacer X should get together…..you two might be inseparable-hint, hint.

 

-AUJclayton

Gauntlet - Part Five (AUJclayton)

Disclaimer - Pay attention fuckwads.  I will put this atop every guest writer's article in the hopes that you will truly understand that the words being said in the following article are NOT my words, even though some may end up being true. So if you have a problem with anything being said or any grammatical mistakes or spelling errors, direct it toward him/her, not me, or I will bring the Joker wrath.  And you and I both know you don't want that.  And if you do, as Hank the Dwarf so eloquently quipped..."Your mutha."

Halloween is just around the corner and I, for one, am looking forward to America’s only dark holiday.  The holiday comes but another week in college football goes and I can’t help but feel like it is moving too fast.  I always spend so much time waiting for football season, and in doing so I play NCAA football waaaaayyy  too much and probably get a little too into recruiting, but it is all just a means to an end.  These are just a couple of things that I do to try to take my mind off of how long I have to wait for the season, and then it arrives and after blinking a few times, we are already in week nine.  Sad.  This week was clearly not any good news for Auburn, but for AUJ, it sure was.  After watching Retard X muster only one winning pick, he relinquished his one game lead and now finds himself, literally, bringing up the rear(get it, get it).  I now have a larger lead than he ever had on me and I just don’t think that I want to give it up.  In fact, I don’t think I will.

I will briefly address the sad state that is Auburn football.  This task has fallen to me as the only other Auburn contributor on the Joker Report, AUOptimo, has pretty much quit turning in any new columns.  Never in my entire 25 years as an active Auburn fan have I seen such a historic collapse.  These are just a few of the headlines that told the story about this weekend’s Auburn debacle;   “From Bad to Worse, Dominated in Death Valley, Jefferson Suddenly Looks Spectacular, and OFFENSEINCRISIS.”   I tried to stay on board with this coaching staff and continued to defend them even though it was becoming clear that I didn’t have much to defend.  Now, after this most recent letdown, sadly I have to say that my faith has been more than shaken.  They have left me no ground with which to stand on.  I believe it is any good fan’s duty to support his team and of course I will.  This does not mean that I will not call out the coaching staff.  This also does not mean that I am done with Retard X.  Just because I battle with Retard X about Auburn, it does not mean that I am blind to what is going on.  I am a realist by nature and while it may seem that I am fighting a losing battle, I will fight it until the last game of the season.  Stubborn, sure, but only when it comes to the Retard.

Auburn’s defense is horrible.  It is the worst Auburn defense that I have ever seen.  Auburn’s offense has gone from great to retarded and it seemingly happened over night, and then gotten progressively worse.  The same players that were gaining 400-600 yards in the first five games of the season can barely do anything.  Chris Todd is just another in a long line of terrible Auburn QBs and his lack of ability to play basic football (pitch and catch) has been the single heaviest contributor to the downfall of Auburn’s offense.  Ben Tate, who was still prospering until the LSU game is now suffering just like everyone else as any team that AU now plays will just load the box as LSU did because Todd can’t pass the football.  This begs the question, if Todd is that bad, why has he not been pulled for someone who can get the job done?  Great question….Coach Chizik, what is your answer?  “Chris Todd is our man.”  Really, asshole….how could Caudle be any worse?  This is just one of many issues that go hand in hand with a midseason collapse that has turned a huge spotlight on Chizik and staff.  I have to admit, I am scrutinizing them as much as anyone.

Just to be clear with the Gacer, try to contain yourself.  I know that things have finally started going your way, and at long last, you finally have gained a little credibility but you need to remind yourself that it is still only three games.  Three losses have been rough for Auburn fans, but it still hardly constitutes a full vindication for you.   I actually had five games of vindication before you finally got these three, so I still do have a little going for me.  When we get to the point where one of us can admit to how wrong they were and what they were wrong about, I, for one will have no problem doing so.   Alas, we are not there yet, so silence your stupidity, if you are capable. 

Is it any coincidence that on the week that I take the lead in the contest, THE REAL REASON THAT WE WRITE THESE POSTS IN THE FIRST PLACE, you try to steal a little thunder based solely on my admittance that at this point in the season, it seems that there is a chance that you could be right about Auburn’s coaching staff?  I think not.  You can pat yourself on the back all you want, but the fact is that you are not winning nor have you won anything in reference to me, this site, or this competition.  Just a fact.  I actually enjoy dogging you out on the regular in front of all of these lovely readers even though I have far less to work with.  Is it really that hard, sitting in T-town with your beloved Tide, to defend yourself?  Yet still, I put you on your heels every time we go back and forth.  It is just not enough for you to be having a good season is it?  Unlike Breck, or Joker you are still out there giving Bama fans a bad name.  Nobody likes a hater.  If someone would have just told you that earlier in life you probably could have still had some friends.

After the last three weeks, I have to admit that there is at least a chance that the retard was right.  Only an idiot would say that of all the problems that Auburn has had over the last three weeks that coaching is not to blame in any of them.  Still, having said that, the rest of the season still remains and if Auburn finishes strong, even if it is not enough to erase what has happened over these three weeks, you will be singing a different tune.  Chizik will get another year, at least, no matter what.  I already know that.  Hopefully we can get rid of Roof regardless because I am a defensive kind of guy and having this bad of a defense just eats at my soul.  Ted Roof is just not doing a good job, plain and simple.  Auburn’s coaching staff on the whole is not taking care of their end of the deal.  I have said it before and I shall say it again, if Auburn was playing good football and leaving it all on the field, then not only would I still have something to defend, but I could deal with the losses.  But, inexplicably the players have quit playing hard.  The team has begun making a large amount of mental errors made most notable in the form of procedure penalties or missed assignments, and an offense that just a few weeks ago could reach the 400 yard mark in a bad performance has become the joke of the SEC.

Even with all of this negativity, things can still turn around.  It would be foolish to say that Auburn could win out, even if they were playing well, but there are some goals that are attainable.  A six, seven or eight win season is still well within Auburn’s grasp if the coaches can get a handle on the team.  That is a big if, but we will let them play it out and see how they handle it.  What other choice do I have? 

After the initial five wins, the only thing that is going well for Auburn at this point in the season is recruiting.  Because of Auburn’s history and tradition, and because a lot of top tier talent wants to play early, Auburn is still marketable to recruits.  This is evidenced by the fact that Auburn’s recruiting class has moved all the way up to 12^th in the nation.  If AU can land just one of those 5 star RBs that have AU listed as their number one, then the class would move into the top ten.  Fag X would have you believe that recruiting is just another failed area for Auburn’s new coaching staff, but the FACTS just don’t back him up.  I am  interested to see what spin that Fruit X can put on this because it is kind of like someone saying that  2 plus 2 is 5, but no doubt he will try to tell us that.  It must be said that if Chizik does not find a way to salvage this year and turn around the current trend, then he may kill any momentum that AU has in recruiting, but for now it is doing just fine.

On to other matters….After both Alabama and Florida looked like they were separating themselves from the pack all year, the events of this last weekend have left both teams looking beatable.  This could have been said of Florida before this weekend, but the real shocker of a game was the Tide v Tenny.  Going into it I would not have given Tenny a chance in hell, but they surprised everyone and had a shot to win that game in the last seconds.  We are talking about a team that was beaten at home by Auburn just a few weeks ago.  Of course look at what that same few weeks has done to Auburn.  They have gone backwards while teams like Tenny and Miss St have moved forward.  My question to the readers this week is do you really believe that both Alabama and Florida can make it unscathed all the way to the SEC Championship game?  Personally, I believe at least one of these two teams does suffer a loss prior to the SEC championship game.  Bama has to face LSU along with Miss St, Tenn/Chat and Auburn.  Florida has to face UGA, Vandy, South Carolina, FIU, and FSU.  Alabama has fewer games to play but has the single toughest opponent in Auburn…..ha...j/k…..in LSU.  Florida has to play more games and they are not all cupcakes.  I think that UGA has at least a shot and I would certainly not count out FSU or South Carolina.  If Alabama makes it by LSU, then they go to the SEC Champ. game to rep the west.* Let’s get some feedback readers.  Don’t leave me hanging on this one.

I basically agree with Racer’s assertion that if Tebow has one big game, then the media will jump back on his ‘I Got Jesus’sticker-covered bandwagon quicker than you can say one hail mary.  The same goes for Colt “I was born to be a QB for Texas” McCoy.  After this past weekend, I am more eager to see how Bama performs when they come out of their bye week.  They did have a long stretch of games with no bye, so I wonder if that played a role in the way that the game against Tenny unfolded.  I also am very keen to see if one of their two Heisman hopefuls can continue to elevate themselves into the top of the Heisman list.  It is so hard to believe that U of A has NEVER HAD A HEISMAN WINNER.  I could barely believe it when I first heard it.  Even Auburn has had two Heisman winners….cue up the National Title comparison and the Bear talk….but all of that can be remedied this year.  Mark Ingram has the best shot, but can Cody find ways to keep making big enough plays to vault himself up the list?  I would love to see the Heisman go to an SEC team, and since Bama has never had one, they are the team that I am going to hope gets it.  So, M. Ingram and T. Cody get out there and get it done!  Bring that trophy home, and maybe in the process, you can bring home another big time trophy for the U of A.

WEEKLY PROPS to Terrance Cody.  Wow.  Two blocked field goals to propel Alabama to a close win over Lane Kiffin and Tenny.  Very impressive and now, you sir are in the Heisman conversation.  Not just that, as you will surely be immortalized in Bama lore and this will be documented in a lovely painting.

WEEKLY PROPS to Clemson and C.J. Spiller.  The Joker has been telling me for years that this guy was the real deal, but this season we are really getting to see it.  Clemson beat a tough opponent in Miami and this was mainly due to the performance of Mr. Spiller.  He set a Clemson record with 310 all purpose yards and his stat-line for the rest of this season is even more impressive.   Heisman race, meet C.J. Spiller….

WEEKLY WTF to the Auburn coaching staff.  Is this seriously the best product that you guys can put on the field?  Really?  Please tell me that you are joking.  Here is an idea….COACH THESE KIDS LIKE YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO, COACH!!!  THESE GUYS LOOK TO YOU FOR LEADERSHIP, LEAD THEM!!!!  For real guys, you are starting to reflect poorly on the rest of the conference now get your shit together.

WEEKLY WTF to Lane Kiffin.  How can you take what should actually be a good loss for your program, if there is such a thing, and make yourself look like a bitch and an idiot.  If you could have just managed to keep your mouth shut, you would  have gotten even more ‘street-cred’ from these kids you are trying to recruit, but you had to go run your mouth and now you have come out looking like a douche, yet again.  Reminds me of……yep, Racer X (cellent at picking losers).

I am making last week’s experiment my norm as I realized that if I had seen that Racer X had picked a game, I won’t want to pick it.  Unfortunately for me, that usually means that I would have to leave out the 2 or 3 most obvious games of the week, and my mission to destroy this bag of douche will not slow up  for anyone, particularly the douche himself. 

This week’s units will come in the form of Rafaelis in honor of SI cover girl Bar Rafaeli.  Thank you Israel! (She was probably the next Joker girl.  Good mojo, AUJ.  -J)

And without further ado, my picks….

Georgia Tech -11.5 v Vanderbilt - Georgia Tech is a damn machine.  Vanderbilt, while scrappy, cannot hang with Tech.  I think that Vandy will be lucky to keep the loss from reaching blow-out type proportions.  Tech covers.  3 Rafaelis

*East Carolina -4 v Memphis- I had a great feeling about this game from the jump.  I just don’t see how Memphis could make it a game.  East Carolina has played well against good opponents and Memphis is not good.  East Carolina covers with ease.  4 Rafaelis

Ohio -7.5 v Ball State- Ohio had a bad game last week.  That is that.  This week they face Ball State who I believe should get beaten handily.  Ohio beat Bowling Green by 7, while Ball State got beat by 14 by the same team.  That is a 21 point swing in performance, and while that does not make this pick gospel, it is plenty for me.  Ohio covers.  2 Rafaelis

FSU -7.5 v North Carolina State- I will continue to bet against NC State when they play any team with an offense.  NC State is awful with the ball and will not be able to stop FSU with any sort of frequency.  FSU covers with ease.  1 Rafaeli

Ole Miss -3 v Auburn- It pains me to admit it, but if we are leaving team allegiances at the door, then I have to say that Auburn has become the easiest team in the country to bet on.  Will they get it together this week?  Probably not.  Could they beat Ole Miss and their badass defense even if they do muster their A-game?  Probably not.  Ole Miss covers.   5 Rafaelis

*In reference to the East Carolina pick, because I know that Fag X would love to find some fault here, Joker received proof that I had picked this game prior to kick off.  So even though it didn’t go up until today, the fact is that I did pick and bet on that game.  Joker has my back here, so relax.
(Signed and notarized. -J)

I genuinely hope that all of the JR readers out there have a great and safe Halloween.  Don’t drink and drive on this holiday in particular because no one wants the memory of running over any amount of kids in costume weighing on their conscience.  I won’t waste the time saying ‘may the best man’ win this week because my competitor does not deserve the small amount of respect that I had granted him up to this point.  He is a poor sport, and would prefer to pretend like this isn’t a picks contest at all.  So, with pleasure, I will continue to out pick him, and I will demonstrate the class that he lacks while doing so.  Enjoy the picks and enjoy the weekend, AUJ out.

 -AUJclayton

Gauntlet - Extra Credit! (Racer X)

Disclaimer - Pay attention fuckwads.  I will put this atop every guest writer's article in the hopes that you will truly understand that the words being said in the following article are NOT my words, even though some may end up being true. So if you have a problem with anything being said or any grammatical mistakes or spelling errors, direct it toward him/her, not me, or I will bring the Joker wrath.  And you and I both know you don't want that.  And if you do, as Hank the Dwarf so eloquently quipped..."Your mutha."

Wow.  I was wrong.  (Lookie there, AUJ!)  The season is NOT over for Auburn.  At least not according to

this.  I wanted to share this letter from the Auburn SGA President.  Please notice the following:  
1)  This idiot says that the LSU students made the difference for their team.  Really?  The fact that LSU is better in every facet of the game and they lined up and kicked Auburn's ass in the first 10 minutes isn't what made the difference?  Seth and Amy have a few "Reallys" for that ridiculous statement.
 
2)  Auburn scoring with no time left on the clock somehow indicates that Auburn didn't quit?  DJ Jazzy Jeff can't even spin that good.
 
3)  11:21-That's more like Chizik's record if only the LSU students hadn't shown up and beaten the mighty Tigers based on sheer will and determination and bourbon breath.  They need to be worried about 11:27.  (Figure it out.) 
 
4)  Why hand those teeth to the trainer?  Hand them to some of his teammates and he'll get some gold ones back in return.   
 
Here's the letter...
 

"Friends,
 
I heard a story yesterday that I felt is worth sharing with you all. In the heat of the battle against LSU on Saturday, Kodi Burns took a shot to the chin that cut open his lip and knocked out two of his teeth. Kodi came to the sidelines with the teeth in his hand. The trainers sewed his mouth up, wiped off the blood and Kodi went right back in the game and ran the ball as hard as ever. He never quit.

 

The game was a tough, tough loss, but none of our players ever quit. They scored their only touchdown of the night on the last play of the game.

 

One thing I noticed was that the LSU student section got there early, stayed late and made a lot of noise until the very end. They made the difference for their team.

 

We play Ole Miss on Saturday in a game that we need to win to become bowl-eligible. Between now and Saturday, you might see signs or stickers that simply say "11:21, be the difference." We had those signs and stickers made to remind all of you that kickoff is early on Saturday. It's at 11:21 a.m and you need to be there to "be the difference." We need to get there early, stay late and be loud to show our team we are behind them no matter what.

 

This season is not even close to being over. There are some big games left that we can win, but we need your help to give our team the home-field advantage that Jordan-Hare Stadium has always been known for!

 

11:21. Get there early. Stay late. Be loud. Be the difference.

 

War Eagle!

Jacob Watkins
Auburn University Student Government Association President"

 
Much love,
 
-Racer X

Gauntlet - Part Five (Racer X)

Disclaimer - Pay attention fuckwads.  I will put this atop every guest writer's article in the hopes that you will truly understand that the words being said in the following article are NOT my words, even though some may end up being true. So if you have a problem with anything being said or any grammatical mistakes or spelling errors, direct it toward him/her, not me, or I will bring the Joker wrath.  And you and I both know you don't want that.  And if you do, as Hank the Dwarf so eloquently quipped..."Your mutha."

First, mea culpa, I sucked last week.  Like Joker, I saw it coming, but I blazed on, foolishly tilting at the windmills.  Like Forrest Gump said, "It happuhns."  So, here is a "boo", for my picks and for Halloween.

The paths that the media chooses to take are so predictable.  The way that they all jump on (and off) the same bandwagon stories is kind of ridiculous.  First it was Florida and Jesus Tebow.  Then Alabama was the trendy pick.  Then the Auburn offense and Gus Malzahn was the story.  The new story du jour (mmm...that sounds good) is that nobody is any good and TCU, Boise, Cincy and Iowa deserve a shot.  Blah blah blah.  In the next three weeks, either Alabama and/or Florida will demolish someone and they'll be right back up on the perch.  Texas is going to roll through a weak conference and play somebody horrible in the Big 12 game and they'll be the talk of the week.  I don't really have a point other than this:  Just enjoy the ride.  Florida can look beatable all they want and all it takes is a good game by Tebow and the media are back on their knees again, begging for forgiveness (and doing other things).  Seriously, one huge game and he's right back on the "Greatest to Ever Play" pedastal.  Colt McCoy will put up huge numbers to close out the year and the media will wonder why they ever doubted him.  Or maybe a rested Ingram leads Bama to Atlanta and past Tebow.  Iowa will probably lose to Ohio State.  One of Boise, TCU and Cincinnati will lose.  Alabama and Florida will have to play each other, so any debate involving those two teams is moot.  The bottom line is that this is going to all work itself out.  Let's just see what happens.  The desire to proclaim things so definitely so early is just silly.  Part of the fun is watching to see how it all unfolds, right?  Besides, if an undefeated team gets left out, they can always claim the People's National Championship and buy rings for a fake national title. Everybody's a winner!
 
Two articles that I want to throw AUJ's way.  I think he should go leave long, boring, pointless posts telling them how they are wrong.:
 
1)  http://iowastate.rivals.com/content.asp?CID=1006757
 
2)  http://blog.al.com/press-register-sports/2009/10/finebaum_auburns_bad_coaching.html
 
With that out of the way, let's go try to get this car out of the pits and back on the track...
 

Babe of the Week: Old school, Brooke Burke (Editor's choice).  You kids might not remember, but this chica used to have it going on. 

Rally Monkey is in the house, 1-4 is a thing of the past...
 
Ole Miss -3.5 @ Auburn (5 Burkes)
I don't believe in Auburn and their D is a joke.  Ole Miss' defense has been nothing but salty since halftime of the South Carolina game.  I think Auburn is on the verge of giving up and I don't think Chizik can fix it.  It this was Ole Miss -14, I'd still take this game.  If Ole Miss gets an early lead, the team and the fans will bail and it will get ugly. 
 
Houston -6.5 vs. Southern Miss (4 Burkes)
At this point in the season, we know who teams are.  Houston is pretty good.  Southern Miss is not bad, but they aren't as good as some people expected.  Factor in that Houston is at home and I think that's enough.
 
Miami (FL) -7 @ Wake Forest (3 Burkes)
Not much analysis here.  I think Miami bounces back and Wake Forest does not have CJ Spiller.  That should be enough for Da U.
 
Georgia Tech -12 @ Vanderbilt (2 Burkes)
I think GT is getting heated up and really has the triple option megaspread rolling.  Nobody in the SEC runs anything remotely resembling that offense and 6 days to prepare isn't going to be enough.  I just don't think Vandy has the horses to slow it down. 
 
Oregon +3.5 vs. USC (1 Burke)
I kind of was feeling Notre Dame -28 vs. Washington State in this spot, but I went the other way.  Which means you get a freebie if you take ND.  Lock of the Week.  USC just has not been that impressive and Oregon has been rolling. I read that USC has lost in the state of Oregon for three straight years, Autzen is widely thought of as a tough place to play, which maybe gets to Barkley a little bit.  I like the Quack Attack plus the points. 
 
Happy Halloween, Jokerettes.  May the girls be in slutty costumes, the candy be razorblade free and the fright be flowing. 
 
-Racer X
 

Gauntlet - Part Four (AUJclayton)

Disclaimer - Pay attention fuckwads.  I will put this atop every guest writer's article in the hopes that you will truly understand that the words being said in the following article are NOT my words, even though some may end up being true. So if you have a problem with anything being said or any grammatical mistakes or spelling errors, direct it toward him/her, not me, or I will bring the Joker wrath.  And you and I both know you don't want that.  And if you do, as Hank the Dwarf so eloquently quipped..."Your mutha."

I have to admit to laughing pretty hard upon reading Retard X’s post.  He took the high road and the high road has never looked so, well, low.  I think this would be the moment where he might say something like, “I like how AUJ says he is going to take the high road and then proceeds to insult me.”  It certainly would have been exhausting if you had taken an even lower road just as it is exhausting for a retarded kid to keep up with a stud athlete in a footrace.  As usual, I will be waiting for you at the finish line with some words of encouragement, a cloth for all of your slobber, and a lunchable plus juice box for your retarded sustenance.  Instead of me writing a, what was it, 26 page article in response,  I could  just borrow a trick from the Gacer himself and leave 17 comments on his post and then proclaim that I don’t obsess…or I could just  move on to things that actually matter. 

Auburn football, where have you gone?  I guess it doesn’t matter where it has gone, just that it has gone.  What happened to that team from the first five weeks of the season?  I am sure that my competitor and others will argue that AU just started playing better teams and while there is something to that, it is not the full truth.  The fact is that the Auburn football team that we have seen the last two weeks would have lost all of those first five games.  The defense picked up the pace a bit in the loss to Kentucky, but the offense all but disappeared.  Ben Tate is the lone bright spot on the offensive side of the ball and that is a disturbing trend for an offense that was, at one time, hitting on all cylinders. 

In the first five weeks of the season, Todd was playing great football.  The offensive line was dominating and doing so without being penalized.  Onterio McCalebb was running wild.  The offense was able to get in a rhythm seemingly at will and now, going into the 8^th game of the season, all of that has disappeared.   Auburn has either lost or misplaced the ability to play offensive football and with a defense like Auburn’s, that does not bode well.

And that brings me to the proverbial “elephant in the room.”  This is the worst Auburn defense that I have ever seen and I have been watching Auburn football for about 25 years.   I have been putting off addressing this issue as I had held out some hope that Ted Roof was going to get it together at some point this season.  It has becoming increasingly obvious that is not going to happen.  I know that Auburn has depth issues, but there is still no excuse for this.  I mean, play with some pride.  I guess Ted just doesn’t feel like he has the guys to blitz….ever.  I am of the opinion that a D-Co. should not change his scheme due to personnel issues but should call it just like he would if he had a full roster and all of ‘his’ guys.  I say this because I believe that would give the team the best chance for success.  Or he could just sit in base defense for every down of the 2009 football season.  That seems to be working great.  I will give him the rest of the season to prove me wrong.

 Still, having said all of that, it must be said that while the defense did play a large role in the Tiger’s first loss of the year against Arkansas, it was not to blame in the loss to Kentucky.  Of course Kentucky was without their starting QB and they still outscored Auburn, but we did see some improvement.  At this point in the season, I feel that is all we can ask for each game.  That is sad.

This week Auburn goes into Death Valley to face LSU.  This matchup has given rise to some of the best and strangest games of the last decade.  Which Auburn team will show up in Baton Rouge on Saturday?  The team from the first five games of the year that could score and compete with anyone, or the team that can’t even muster 20 points against Kentucky?  I am going to be bold here and say that I think that Auburn will surprise some people this week.

 There are a lot of Auburn haters out there that desperately want all of the bad things that they said about Auburn before the season to come true, and those people got the first two bones thrown their way in the last two weeks.  Right now, all of these people are sitting around, enjoying those two losses, but still basically holding their tongues because their predictions are still far from coming true.  Auburn has two losses and that is no surprise to anyone, including myself.  I believe that Auburn will still attain the 7 or 8 wins that I predicted prior to the season, but can the team get it together this week?  I think that they do.  It is easy to forget that Auburn has a very good offensive line, and a great running game after the last two weeks, but that does not change the fact that they do.  Even if Auburn comes up short, I believe that it is a close, hard-fought game and something that the team can rebuild some confidence around.  We will find out soon enough.

In other Auburn news, sophomore CB Harry Adams was dismissed from the team today following an unspecified violation of team rules.  That leaves Auburn with only 4 scholarship CBs.  I think that Chizik is doing what needs to be done in the way of getting rid of guys with the wrong attitude and mindset, but I don’t know the whole story so I will shut up for now.  On a positive note, following the loss to Kentucky, Auburn received a commitment from four-star OT, Ed Christian.  Christian had been committed to FSU, but that all changed after two visits to the plains.  Christian just adds to what is becoming an outstanding recruiting class for this new staff.  Allow me to go ahead and mention that I have heard that Christian only came to AU because of a lack of room in T-town.  Let me also say that we will take all of the quality players that we can, and I for one love that Auburn gets the guys that Bama just can’t fit in.  That has given the Tigers some of their best players over the years.  Carnell Williams comes to mind….

Racer, for my part, I don’t have much positive feedback for your query about Julio ‘the best receiver in the history of football’ Jones.  After what we saw from this guy last year, I don’t think that I am alone in saying that I expect more.  You are right on with your reference to AJ Greene and others, but what does that mean for Julio?  Is his injury bothering him that much?  Is it just the sophomore slump?  Is it a speed issue?  Where have his hands gone?  His lack of separation is not half as disturbing to me as his lack of ability to catch the tough balls in coverage.  The ability for a receiver to separate from coverage is not, by itself, a mark of greatness.  The ability to make tough catches is.  Personally I think Julio is on the verge of breaking out.  He has way too much talent to not break out at some point soon.

The hot issue in the SEC this week is the suspension of the crew of officials that has been made infamous by such calls as the ‘celebration penalty’ in the UGA v LSU game and more recently, the phantom call in the Arkansas game.  There are all kinds of implications here and I would very much like to discuss some of these with the readers of the Joker Report in the comment section this week.  SO, don’t be shy readers!  Let us have some of that spirited debate that the Racer likes to refer to or, in the absence of debate, I will settle for some conversation.

WEEKLY PROPS to Alabama RB Mark Ingram.  In a tough game against SC that screamed for someone to step up big, Ingram was that guy.  I give you, Mark Ingram, this week’s props and with it, a first class ticket straight to the top of the Heisman list.  Stats-135 carries/905 yards/6.7 avg/8 TD.

WEEKLY PROPS to Auburn RB Ben Tate who plays for a team that has just shut down offensively, but Tate continues to go about his business.  While everything else is falling apart, this guy continues to separate himself.  Even people who thought that Tate could not be an every down back in the SEC are starting to come around.  And he isn’t done.  It is also worthy of note that Tate led the SEC in rushing until Ingram had his big game last week.  Stats-150 carries/856 yards/5.7 avg/5 TD.

WEEKLY PROPS to the SEC who actually grew a pair and suspended a crew of officials who had clearly stopped doing their job well.

WEEKLY WHAT THE FUCK to Chris Todd for his inability to execute in an offense that he has basically been playing in his whole life.  Can he re-attain his early season form?

WEEKLY WTF to Greg McElroy who I really believed and believe is a good QB.  His last performance against SC was lackluster to say the least.  How will he bounce back?

WEEKLY WTF to the passing game of Florida.  I know that they are winning and I know that they have a great D.  I also understand that they lost some key players last year to the NFL.  Still, with Urban’s recruiting there should be no shortage of downfield threats for UF.  Is this on Tebo, the WRs, or the play calling?

At the Joker’s behest, I tried something new this week.  I did not look at Joker’s or Racer’s picks until I had already solidified mine.  I was not worried about using other people’s picks because if I don’t feel good about it, I am not going to be convinced because someone else does.  I was more worried that I had a problem with not using a game if someone had already picked it, and that could cost me.  It is hard to follow two 4-1 weeks in pick ‘em, but I will certainly attempt to not just follow, but to upstage it.   That ever elusive 5-0 mark is still out there and I am hoping to find it at least for one week at some point.  Will this be the week?  Probably not, but that will not stop me from trying.  Of course, 0-5 is still out there too, so I need to temper my confidence with a healthy dose of humility.  Check.

This week’s units will be in honor of Jorge Clooney’s main squeeze, Elisabetta Canalis.  Ok George, you are doing all you old pimp.  Enjoy!
(I would just like to point out that I had my eye on Elisabetta before George---I even have proof here.  Good call on the foreign hotness, AUJ. -Ed.)

Central Michigan -8 v Bowling Green* Dan LeFevour and C. Mich are one hell of an offensive football team.  I know that Bowling Green has a couple of good players and I don’t doubt that they will score, but not enough to offset my team.  I have been riding them all year, and I will until they give me a reason not to.  C. Mich covers.  5 Elisabettas

Ohio -10 v Kent*Ohio is another one of those small teams that I love.  They are over-achievers and damn good at the style of football that they play.  This week will be no different than the last 2 or 3 that I have picked them.  Ohio covers.  4 Elisabettas

Central Florida -10 v Rice*Central Florida has Floridian athletes (1).  Rice has not won a game (2).  They share a common opponent in East Carolina and while Cen. Florida played them close, Rice was destroyed by them (3).  Central Florida covers with ease.  3 Elisabettas

Georgia Tech -5.5 v Virginia*Tech will eventually have a letdown, but for right now they are rolling.  Virginia has played some good teams tough, and their D seems to be pretty stout, but when Tech beat Va Tech, they really showed me something.  I am utterly intrigued by a team that only has to complete one pass to beat a top 5 team, and while I see Virginia making this a good game for 2 or 3 quarters, I still think Tech runs away with it in the end.  Tech covers.  2 Elisabettas

Purdue -10 v Illinois*I know that Purdue is a popular pick after beating Ohio State, but  that is not all that  goes into this pick.  Purdue can score points, and Illinois hasn’t shown me anything.  I like the Boilermakers to cover even if Illinois does decide to have their best game.  1 Elisabetta

As always, may the best man win and good luck to us all. 

-AUJclayton

 

Gauntlet - Part Four (Racer X)

Disclaimer - Pay attention fuckwads.  I will put this atop every guest writer's article in the hopes that you will truly understand that the words being said in the following article are NOT my words, even though some may end up being true. So if you have a problem with anything being said or any grammatical mistakes or spelling errors, direct it toward him/her, not me, or I will bring the Joker wrath.  And you and I both know you don't want that.  And if you do, as Hank the Dwarf so eloquently quipped..."Your mutha."

I was going to get on here and really give it to AUJ, but I have chosen to take the high road.  Besides, getting him riled up would only lead to him whining and bitching and moaning and going back and cutting and pasting every word that I have posted and scrutinizing it to try to figure out some way he can catch me in an inconsistency and then write a 26-page response where he loses everyone in the second paragraph and then says, "Racer X, I give you credit, but you're wrong and you are never held accountable for your wrong picks and you were really wrong about Auburn and you should just stop trying because you are wrong and should stop trying."  It would be exhausting.

 
So, in response to Auburn, I merely say, let's see how things finish up.  I have a sneaking suspicion it will not be pleasant for AUJ and his friends, but you never know.  God did create the Earth in 7 days and rose from the dead and walked on water, so miracles do happen. 
 
Moving on...
 
The BCS is garbage.  Total and complete garbage. Have you looked at the bowl projections?  Alabama/Florida loser against Cincinnati?  Really?  Or maybe Pitt or USF?  Georgia Tech vs. Notre Dame?  Ohio State/Iowa vs. Boise State?  Garbage, garbage, garbage. 
 
The initial purpose of the BCS was two-fold.  Break traditional bowl tie-ins so that a #1 vs #2 match-up could occur and make the conferences a ton of money.  Well, with those stated goals, it works. 

What it does not do is give other good match-ups.  Just in the last few years, we've had to sit through:  V.Tech-Cincinnati, Alabama-Utah, VT-Kansas, Georgia-Hawaii, Wake Forest-Louisville, and Pitt-Utah to name a few.  Who wants to watch these games?  NOBODY.  Half the time, even the fans involved don't give a rat's backside about them.  The TV ratings for the non-championship games have plummeted.  How is this system working? 
 
The BCS needs to drop the automatic berths. The conferences will still make the money. Let the championship game rotate through the bowls and then let the other bowls pick who they want.  It will make for much more compelling television. 
 
I don't care who wins the SEC championship, but the loser having to go play a Big East team is just downright horrible.  A Florida/Alabama in the Rose Bowl vs. USC or the Fiesta Bowl against Ohio State or Texas is much, much better for everyone involved, but those match-ups will almost certainly never happen.
 
At least until the jackass college presidents realize how much money is to be made from a playoff, all hypocritical (and wrong) arguments aside...sigh...
 
I also want to know what is wrong with Julio Jones.  Don't give me the, "He's double covered." response.  So are AJ Green and that dude from Bowling Green and other big time WRs.  Yes, McElroy has not played lights out lately, but Julio's not open.  (Forget the drops for this moment.)  Either he can't get separation, OR the offense is not putting him in a situation to get open.  Whichever WR that got open for Florida vs. Arkansas for that bomb, at no time in his 1.5 seasons has Julio EVER been that wide open.  I just don't understand it.  If he doesn't have the speed to beat people deep, then run some crossing routes, WR screens, something, anything to get the ball in his hands.  I don't care if it is a one-yard route, GET HIM THE BALL. That's when he does his damage.  I understand the "Julio is a decoy" argument, but I just don't see it and it doesn't seem to work that way for every other big time WR out there.  Like people don't triple cover Golden Tate, especially with Michael Floyd out. Tate seems to get open just fine...and when he isn't, he still makes the catch.  What do other JR readers think?
 
Onto the picks...no need for explanation.  Just follow my picks and let it roll...
 

This week, I want a nice picture of Audrina Patridge.  I cares about nothing.  She's hot. 

(Editor's note---Interesting how you choose AUdrina. I think you're subconsciously starting to like AUJclayton.)

South Carolina -12.5 vs. Vanderbilt (5 Patridges in a Pear Tree)
Vandy could only get 10 on UGA's horrible D.  South Carolina is a scrappy team and I think SOS has them focused for the second half of the season. 
 
Alabama -15 vs. Tennessee (4 Patridge Families)
Crompton.  That's all you need to know.  Do you really think he'll fair any better against Bama' D than Snead, Taylor, Mallett, Garcia, or Hartline? Hell no.  He will not. Go ahead and think that UT is back after they romped a UGA team that is 1) horrible on D and 2) quit vs. UT.  It may take 5 Tiffin FGs and a shutout, but it'll happen. 
 
Iowa *Pick Em* Michigan State (3 Patridge Farm Milanos)
Iowa is scrappy and tough, just like I said last week. Ferentz is a good coach, they are playing together and they'll get it done.  They'll build toward their one game season vs. Ohio State and let the dice roll that night.  
 
West Virginia -7 vs. UConn (2 Patridge Ewings)
Oy, I hate to be like this, but there is no way UConn can get ready for this game.  Obvious distractions and some emotion might make it interesting, but that's just too much to overcome and they won't prepare well this week.  Although, Bill Stewart is dumb enough to forfeit out of respect, so there's no telling. 
 
UNC -2.5 vs. FSU (1 Patridge at my house in my room looking sexy)
Too much turmoil at FSU.  UNC needs to lock it up and get going.  Young and hungry vs. old and...old.  Just a hunch here, but lets go Tarheels. 
 
There you go.  I'm due for a bad week, so apologies in advance to the five teams I have selected.  Best of luck to you, AUJ and sorry about what is about to happen on the Bayou...i.e., you not winning.  Prepare to meet Mr. Charles Scott. 
 
-Racer X(cellent at picks)
 

Gauntlet - Part Three (AUJclayton)

Disclaimer - Pay attention fuckwads.  I will put this atop every guest writer's article in the hopes that you will truly understand that the words being said in the following article are NOT my words, even though some may end up being true. So if you have a problem with anything being said or any grammatical mistakes or spelling errors, direct it toward him/her, not me, or I will bring the Joker wrath.  And you and I both know you don't want that.  And if you do, as Hank the Dwarf so eloquently quipped..."Your mutha."

As if on cue, Lane Kiffin and the Vols responded to my criticisms with a huge win over UGA.  I am far from silenced on this matter as one game doesn’t mean much, but I must admit that I did not believe that Kiffin and the Vols would be able to pull it off.  Apparently, and I don’t think anyone saw this coming prior to this game, Crompton CAN play QB!  Of course UGA’s D could just be that bad, and that is pretty bad considering Crompton didn’t even have that good of a game on Auburn’s D.  I will hold back any bold statements in relation to UT football for now, because, as I mentioned before, one game hardly constitutes a trend.  If they sustain this for a couple of weeks, I will give them their just due.

The recruiting parody that I discussed last week seems to apply to every team except for Florida and Alabama.  While some teams may have suffered and moved closer to the pack, it seems these two are faring just fine in this new college football landscape.  It is no secret that ever since Saban arrived in T-town, recruiting for the U of A has taken off.  It is also no secret that Urban Meyer has been able to have the same kind of success while winning SEC and National Championships.  I cannot help but wonder aloud if these two will continue to distance themselves from the pack or, if at least a few others in the SEC ranks can scramble around and do what it takes to catch up.   Are we entering the beginning of a sort of dual dynasty that culminates in Alabama and Florida meeting in the SEC Championship for years to come?  Or will Florida’s success take a dip when god’s gift to football finally leaves?  Will Alabama suffer a similar fate in a couple of years or are they the new LSU?  Even if Auburn, Tennessee, and Georgia, the usual suspects for real SEC competition, have great recruiting success this year will that be enough to bridge the gap? Comments?  It doesn’t look like UGA will be competing with the big dogs any time soon.

This same parody that has seemingly changed the landscape in the SEC has, at least by appearances, had an even bigger effect on traditional powerhouses outside the SEC.  USC has become more mediocre each year, as has Oklahoma.  It was not too long ago that these two teams seemed destined to meet in the National Championship at the end of each year, whether they were the best two teams or not.  Ohio State has to be mentioned in this group even if they only get there because they are always the best in their conference.  Some thought that Notre Dame under Charlie Weiss had finally built something worthy of their old form, but that remains to be seen.  Michigan seems to be on the rise again under Rich-Rod, but how long before they are competing for titles?  Is this just a down year for the ACC or has Virginia Tech seized upon Florida States weakness and distanced themselves from the rest?  Then, on the flip side of this coin we have teams like Utah, BYU, Boise State, and Houston.  These few choice examples represent many who have seemingly reaped the rewards of this modern recruiting parody.  Teams who play in conferences  that do not traditionally get many looks or big bowl bids, but who, in recent years, have made their presence felt.  Can we expect more of this in the near future?  Can we expect this list to expand exponentially, or will the trend die down thus allowing many traditional powerhouses a return to form?  This is just food for thought or discussion.  Please comment if you have some interesting feedback.

The Georgia Bulldogs…hmmm what to say.  I think Racer and I actually basically agree here.  That is crazy enough.   How quickly things can go wrong for a school that had really gained some ground in the SEC leading up to this season.  One has to wonder, can these problems be fixed by a simple change at defensive coordinator?  Are we witnessing the downfall of Mark Richt?  I think that it could be said truthfully that we have already seen Mark Richt reach his pinnacle at UGA.  The real question is can he make his way back?  It will all depend on if that team has it in them to finish strong or just fade into mediocrity.  Once again, similar to my comments on the state of the U of T last week, the recruiting has been there for UGA.  How does it go this bad this quick?  This story just continues to tell itself week after week so join me next week as I tune in.

It was a tough weekend for the Auburn Tigers. Going into this game, everyone wondered, would the Tigers be able to sustain their over-achieving ways?  Most thought that this game would be a shootout of epic proportions.  Well, Auburn was not able to sustain their success, and this game was no shootout, excluding the 3^rd quarter.  Auburn looked asleep well into the 2^nd quarter, and if not for a quick flash of what could have been in the 3^rd quarter, the Tigers never really showed up.  There is no one thing that this can be pinned on as there were penalties galore, fumbles, miscues on the O-line, no passing attack, and an utter lack of defense.  But if I had to narrow it down I would point, mainly, to ball security and Chris Todd’s inability to get the ball downfield (to open WRs many times).  The problems that Auburn has on defense will have to wait until I can donate a whole post to them.  Suffice it to say that no matter how much talent we have on our first team, AU cannot win games without a decent to good second team.   Depth is the issue, and if we can’t stay healthy, we will fall apart on defense and by that I mean it could get worse.

 Mario Fannin kicked off the turnovers with a fumbled kick return.  This can’t shock too many Auburn fans as Fannin has always had a problem holding onto the ball.  But even with all of the mistakes of  the first half, if Ben Tate (who otherwise had an outstanding game with 188 yards and 2 TDs) doesn’t fumble the ball on the Arkansas 4 yard line when AU was about to punch it in for a TD, then Auburn is still  in great position to win this game.  If AU scores a TD there, then it is 23-10 with almost two whole quarters left.  But as it was, we did fumble and Arkansas did capitalize on the mistake with a TD.  Even after this occurred, Auburn looked poised to make it a game midway through the 3^rd after scoring two quick TDs.  But on the following kickoff, Auburn’s questionable special teams allowed a huge, momentum breaking return that seemed to break the Tiger’s will.  After that 3^rd quarter flash, Auburn went back to sleep, on both sides of the ball and this all resulted in a thorough butt whipping at the hands of the Razorbacks. 

Chris Todd missed a streaking Terrell Zachary on the first possession of the game.  This play would have resulted in a TD for Auburn and a 7-0 lead as no one was within 10 yards of the speedy receiver, but instead, the ball dropped innocently to the grass about 7 yards in front of T-Zach.  This play set the tone for Auburn’s pass game and they never really got it together.  Todd made a few good throws, but missed on a few key plays that could have been game changers.  Todd left at least 14 points on the field in the form of pass plays that he just over-threw.  He seemed to be out of it all day, taking too much time in the pocket, missing receivers, taking sacks, and even fumbling the ball on one play.  If Auburn’s season is to continue down the path that it started on, then Chris Todd will have to play better football than he did Saturday against Arkansas.  If Todd plays bad, no matter whom the opponent, then Auburn will lose.   It is just that simple.  With our defensive struggles, there is no room for error at that position.  Auburn cannot afford turnovers with a D that is struggling to get of f the field.  Auburn also cannot afford three and outs, or third and longs.  These two situations define Auburn’s team when they are playing poorly and, as they did in this case, they lead to a loss.

McCalebb being hurt sure hasn’t helped things along because his speed and the threat of him getting outside really opens up the rest of the Auburn offense.  We have to get him healthy in time for the games against our big opponents, namely LSU, UGA, and Alabama.  I thought about removing UGA from this list in light of what I have said about them, but the fact is that would still be a big win for us even if they are down.  Outside of McCalebb, AU has done a good job of keeping the offense healthy and if that trend continues, we will continue to be able to score points.  But that is a big if.

I firmly believe that this loss will end up being a good thing for Auburn.  The Tigers were bound to suffer a letdown at some point this season, and this one came at a good time.  With Kentucky as a tough, but beatable opponent this week, Auburn has a great opportunity to collect themselves and straighten out any issues that they have or have had going into the LSU game.  The Tigers team has surprised nearly all critics this year with a 5-0 start, but that is over, and the rest of the season is just around the corner.   Now we will really see what this Tiger team and particularly it’s coaching staff is made of.  How do they bounce back from this loss?  I will be as interested as anyone to see.

As Auburn stumbled over themselves and fell down, our in-state rivals came out and took care of business yet again.  Many had theorized that Bama v Ole Miss would be a close game.  This was not to be as Bama, especially on the defensive side of the ball, came out on a mission.  The Bama D is truly a spectacle to watch.  It is great to see a team that does not even miss a tackle until late in the 3^rd quarter.  The running game for the Tide is also very impressive, and consistent.   The passing game is the one area of the Tide’s game that needs some improvement.   Alabama definitely has the players to make this possible, just a matter of gelling at the right time.  I am not sure why McElroy threw to Julio Jones so much in the Ole Miss game, but I think that they will have it worked out by next week.  And they will have to as South Carolina is a damn good football team.

 I never thought I would see the day that Steve Spurrier’s team would be known for its defensive prowess, but that day has come.  South Carolina’s offense is just a decent to good complement to a damn good defense.  This could prove to be the Tide’s toughest game thus far, OR, they could just run over South Carolina like they have everyone else so far this year, but that is why they play the games.

After a horrid start to my picks on my first effort, I came back with a solid 4 and 1 last week.  Hopefully this means that I am on the upswing, and that would be good for all of us as it would seem that no one likes to hear Retard X caressing his own ego any more than I do.  But, sadly enough, he also went 4 and 1 so while I did well, I failed to separate myself from him.  That is my mission this week.  And now, it is on to bigger and better things.  Namely, my picks.  This week’s units will be Kurylenkos in honor of the lovely Olga Kurylenko.  You may know her from James Bond or Max Payne, but either way, if you have seen her, you surely have not forgotten her.

Central Michigan -6.5 v Western Michigan* Like my competitor, I am going to the well for a couple of picks.  This is a tough week with a lot to make you think about, and in weeks like that, I think we all tend to go to the well.  Central Michigan has never let me down in college fantasy or in pick’ em.  So here we go….
5 Kurylenkos

North Carolina State v Boston College -2.5*I am still just very low on NC ST.  Couple that with that fact that they have shared a common opponent and I have gotten to see them both play this year and that is all I need to make me feel like I have a lock.  4 Kurylenkos

Boise St. -10 v Tulsa*I also have a lot of faith in Boise St.  Call it misplaced, maybe I am wrong, but clearly, I don’t think so.  I have to give some cred to the Joker here, but they are not in the habit of letting me down either.  Tulsa will probably make a good game of it, but I think that Boise will put them away in the 4^th.  3 Kurylenkos

USC v Notre Dame +10*Although ND never seems to blow anyone out, they also seem to make every game close.  They have a great offense with many pieces capable of having big games so I have no doubt they will do their part of the work.  USC can play, but that is not enough to offset the offense of ND.  I don’t see any way that USC blows Notre Dame out and anything over 10 is getting into that range.  That is what I am banking on.   Don’t screw me Weiss.  2 Kurylenkos

Miami (OH) v Ohio -13.5*Ohio is a solid football team, well, for their conference anyway.  Miami (OH) is nothing special at all.  I think Ohio beats them pretty bad.  1 Kurylenko

This was a tough week to pick games so we will just have to see how this goes.  I would like to give my competitor some credit for his solid performance last week.  At least the level of competition has gone up.  Here is to hoping that we can keep it up!  May the best man win.

-AuJclayton

Gauntlet - Part Three (Racer X)

Disclaimer - Pay attention fuckwads.  I will put this atop every guest writer's article in the hopes that you will truly understand that the words being said in the following article are NOT my words, even though some may end up being true. So if you have a problem with anything being said or any grammatical mistakes or spelling errors, direct it toward him/her, not me, or I will bring the Joker wrath.  And you and I both know you don't want that.  And if you do, as Hank the Dwarf so eloquently quipped..."Your mutha."

The other shoe finally dropped on Auburn...just as  I expected.  AUJ is so quick to call me out on my comments, but the story of this season is only half written.  Let's wait to see how the story concludes before we going around declaring victory, Mr. AUJ.  Auburn's D was a house of cards and Petrino just showed everyone how to exploit it.  Depth is about to become an issue and you can already start to see the cracks.  McCalebb is starting to get banged up.  The LB depth is shallower than the kiddie pool.  The DL is getting frustrated.  DBs are taking some lumps.  Auburn has done better out of the gate than I ever expected, and for that I give them all the credit in the world, but all of that might start to change.   Looking forward, the only "unwinnable" game, at least on paper, for Auburn is Alabama.  Contrary to what they say, you really can't throw out the record books in that one. The best team usually wins.  UK will play a tough, physical game this Saturday, but losing Hartline is going to be too much for them to overcome.  Nobody has held Auburn under 20 points yet and I don't see UK doing that.  Ole Miss and LSU will be interesting, as they have the D to slow down the Auburn O.  At this point, Jevan Snead and Jordan Jefferson are about as effective as Spencer Pennington and Daniel Cobb, so who knows what those teams will do down the stretch.  Will be fun to watch.

What on Earth is wrong with UGA?  Wow.  Got to admit,  I never saw that one coming.  Richt is struggling and needs to do something this offseason.  UGA still has Florida, Georgia Tech, and Auburn.  Honestly, that's probably three more losses.  At this point in his tenure, no way Richt should be throwing up a 6-6 season.  With Florida and Alabama up and running, with GT winning now, with Auburn trying to crank up their recruiting in the region, all of those players UGA was getting are going to start looking elsewhere.  Kiffin has throw down the gauntlet, as well, and he's got a butt whuppin' to back him up.  UGA's in trouble of getting stuck in mediocrity.  I don't care what it takes, but they need to make a splash in the offseason by hiring a new DC and from what UGA fans say, dropping Bobo and getting a new OC, too.  Won't be easy decisions for Richt. 
 
I think Florida and Texas are very beatable right now.  They both are so one-dimensional.  Stop Tebow from running and double cover Jordan Shipley and you're in the game.  I'm undecided on Florida's defense right now. Yes, what they did to LSU is impressive, but let's be honest.  They have not exactly played a good offense yet.  Looking ahead, other than this weekend, they don't play anyone who is even going to remotely give them a test.  Which leads me to me next point and something I have been harping on....
 
...the SEC is massively overrated this year.  I do think Alabama is legit.  From man-to-man, I don't think there is a better team right now.  Of course, in fairness, all I have to compare them to is Virginia Tech, who the pundits are now starting to tout.  Florida is untested.  LSU is massively flawed in the QB and head coach department. Ole Miss and UGA are major disappointments.  Auburn could be a pleasant surprise, but we need to see how they finish.  Arkansas could be the third best team in the league, which is crazy sounding.  Vandy is plain bad again.  Despite my protestations to the contrary, MSU continues to prove to be scrappy. South Carolina still has Garcia and that's not a good thing.  UK is average.  Sun shines on a dog's ass every once in a while, so Crompton had a good game, but I don't think anyone believes UT is a threat on the national level.
 
Mighty SEC, where for art thou? 
 

(This is where Joker picks a "hot" chick that he thinks is overrated, in honor of the SEC and then subs in the name for my units this week.)

(Overrated chick, huh?  Done.  -Ed)

On to my picks.  Reviewing the list this week and there is not much I like.  Only four games jumped out at me, so my last pick is forced.  4-1 last week and the magic may not last two weeks.  Again, I think I'm taking some chances, but what the hell?

 
Iowa +3 @ Wisconsin (5 Foxes)
Iowa is well coached and they are playing as well as anyone. They have won with defense (Penn State) and won with offense (Michigan).  Stop John Clay, beat Wisconsin.  I think the Hawkeyes get it done.
 
Oklahoma +3.5 vs. Texas (4 Foxen)
Stop Shipley, stop Texas.  OU has a very good defense and I can't get over the fact that people are counting them out when they are 2 points away from being undefeated and having everyone worship them again.  Texas has had the upper hand in this one lately, but I think OU gets it back this weekend. 
 
Mississippi State -4 @ MTSU (4 Foxi)
State has been very scrappy this year.  I still don't think they are very good, but if they don't win this week, they probably don't win another one all year.  (They finish with UF, UK, Bama, Ark, Ole Miss).  It's now or never for Mullen and his Mutts. 
 
Arkansas +23.5 @ Florida (5 Foxellemo)
I watched Arkansas play Alabama.  They sold out for three quarters to stop the run and other than one bad ass Trent Richardson run (cue YouTube clip now, Joker), they held Bama under 100 yards rushing.  Arkansas has some athletes on D.  Florida is coming off of an emotional win.  They are due to start a little slow.  I'm also not as impressed with the UF D as everyone else and this is the biggest test they are going to see all year. Factor in Arkansas playing with some momentum right now and the fact that they had to have learned something by playing the Bama D and I see them scoring some points.  I'm not going to call the upset here, but I think Arkansas makes the Gator fans sweat this weekend.
 
VT -3.5 @ GT (1 Zorro...spanish for fox...who knew?)
I've been on the VT bandwagon all year. I couldn't find a fifth game to pick this week, so I went with my old reliable Hokies.  I believe in Tyrod and Ryan Williams and I know they have the horses to slow down the triple option offense.  Make GT one dimensional and you'll beat them. 
 
Well played last week, AUJ.  Still only one pick separates us.  I think this might be the week that you get me.  May the best man win.  Look forward to some spirited debate this week. 
 
-Racer

Gauntlet - Part Two (AUJclayton)

While this particular chica is indeed hot, and everybody already knows her, AUJclayton confirms how out of touch with reality he is when he tells me he just "found her" on some hot girl website.  Then he dumbs down his chickly ignorance by telling me he doesn't look at Victoria's Secret anymore because he has a girlfriend.  Oh shut the fuck up.  Just admit you don't know the most famous Victoria's Secret girl not named Heidi, even though every man looks at this mag in the john.  And for god's sake, learn from the pros on which picture to post.

Disclaimer - Pay attention fuckwads.  I will put this atop every guest writer's article in the hopes that you will truly understand that the words being said in the following article are NOT my words, even though some may end up being true. So if you have a problem with anything being said or any grammatical mistakes or spelling errors, direct it toward him/her, not me, or I will bring the Joker wrath.  And you and I both know you don't want that.  And if you do, as Hank the Dwarf so eloquently quipped..."Your mutha."

 Quote of the week, inspired by Racer X-“Self-deception does not fool others.”

Call me self-ish, but I would like to kick it off with a big War Damn Eagle!  We took it to Tenny as I said we would, and as I watched Lane Kiffin on the sideline, after time had expired, jumping around calling for his team to go for 2 (even though this was obviously just a poor try to make it look like a ‘better’ loss), I could not help but be reminded of Racer X.  Auburn’s opponent this week, Arkansas, makes for a much tougher game.  Tennessee has the better defense of the two but Arkansas is far superior in terms of offense.  This will certainly be a big test for Auburn’s defense as Petrino is sure to bring the heat when playing a school that he has so much twisted history with and a new HC that he once coached with.  With a QB like Mallet and great RB as well, it will certainly be interesting to see if Auburn’s D can pass the test.  It certainly won’t be an empty scoreboard on either side, but which team can score more?  I will be the first to admit that part of me worries about a letdown this week, mostly due to the fact that we finally received some national attention.  But at the end of the day, I feel as though Auburn has the better offense and I know that Auburn’s D has yet to play its best game. The players are saying all the right things and I have no doubt that Chizik and Co. will keep them humble, but these things can just have a way of happening sometimes.  Having said that, I obviously hope that Auburn will win this one, and I do like our chances.  If Auburn plays good sound football, they will win this game.  It sounds cliché’, but it will come down to (1) which team executes better, and (2) which team makes less mistakes.  WDE all the same, and I think it is our game to lose, although I am forced to admit a loss is a possibility.  I am pretty real when it comes to AU football and when you have a young team the percentages say that eventually there will be a letdown.  Hopefully this group is the exception to that rule.  I can’t wait to see how it plays out!

This brings me to my first topic, Tennessee’s hire of Lane Kiffin.  I feel like this is right out in the open but no one is saying it, so I will be the bold one.  Does anyone honestly believe that Lane Kiffin gets hired if he can’t bring daddy along?  Seriously.  What has this guy done, outside of having success with Pete Carroll, which, I would go so far as to say, anyone could have with Pete Carroll and that franchise.  Yeah, I said it.  What?  Didn’t they straight up pay Reggie Bush?  You mean to tell me he was the only one.  Please.  But everybody would much rather talk about Alabama’s stupid book scandal because, apparently, USC is everybody’s sweetheart.  I am just saying let’s have a little symmetry in the NCAA.  Ok, so I mixed topics, but they are both great ones for open discussion so please use the comment section to give me some feedback here people.

I imagine Lane Kiffin as just one of the guys that Tennessee interviewed and didn’t really take seriously, until he came back a week later and told them that if they hired him, his legendary father Monty would sign on as Defensive Coordinator.   I honestly can’t believe that a premiere SEC program with the history of Tennessee would even consider hiring a guy like him without some huge incentive.  I believe that they would sooner hire Monty himself as the HC, but this must have been the best they could do.  I mean, show some self-control Tenny.  Maybe I am just  putting way too much faith in the U of T.

We are talking about a guy who basically coaches to lose in referring to Lane Kiffin.   His game plan against Florida was clearly not that of an individual who was trying to win.   I think in some ways that the same could be said of the Auburn game, as the final score was very  deceptive to  any who didn’t watch the game.  And why has he not pulled Eric “I would sooner peg my receivers in the side of the head than throw a completion” Crompton if he is obviously so bad that you have to coach to protect him?  I honestly believe that UT would have more success just lining up NEWquis Richardson at the QB spot every down.   I don’t have all of the answers here, I just wanted to put the topic up for discussion as it is really bothering me.

Taking the que from Racer, it is not just a down year for good teams across the nation it seems to be a little bit of a down year in the SEC?  Yes/no?  Are we not saying this because that would mean that both Alabama and Auburn’s success would somehow be diminished?  I have to believe that, nationwide a few more teams will mature and immerge.  Hit the proverbial ‘stride.’  I believe that the SEC is no different.  It is certainly not that the talent level has gone down.  Remember all of the parody talk?  Maybe this is what the new college football landscape looks like with a more evenly spread talent pool?  Maybe we are seeing the results of a few good years of nationwide recruiting parody?  Thoughts?

I would also like to touch on the ‘bad call’ controversy that my competitor referenced in his post.  I am, of course, referring to the much talked about conclusion to the UGA v LSU game.  I think that everybody agrees that one call was pure crap, and the other was a make-up call.  No matter how you slice it, they affected the outcome of, what was otherwise, a great game.  The only counter-point that I have to offer is an important one, if we are dealing in realism.  Everyone is very quick to forget that early in that same game, UGA was called for not one, but two excessive celebration penalties.  One was for a first down celebration, and the other was for UGA’s first TD celebration.  Put all of this together and you start to get a trend.  Couple this with the fact that UGA was the team that brought the whole team onto the field for the first TD in a game against Florida just a year or two ago and one starts to see where the refs were coming from.  I never thought I would see the day that I was defending a ref, but once this became an issue that surrounded UGA, it became Mark Richt’s job and his job alone to curb his player’s collective enthusiasm- hehe.  After it happened twice in Saturday’s game, there is no excuse for Richt not making it clear to his players that they could not get away with anything that could be construed as celebration because it could and did cost them the game.

Allow me to point out yet another self-serving claim made by Racer X.  Here is a quote from his latest installment:  “Last I checked, I picked Auburn to beat Tennessee.   Last I checked, they did beat Tennessee.”  Now, here is the quote from Racer Y in which he claims to have picked Auburn to win last week:  “I actually think I agree with your Auburn pick, too. I thought about using that one. I just don't see how UT is going to score………. I just have no faith whatsover that Crapton can beat Auburn. As ridiculous as it sounds, AU's passing game is better than UF's, so I think AU's O gives UT's D more challenges than stopping Football Jesus. I think AU could roll UT this weekend.”  Can anyone see where I am going with this?   While I appreciate all of the positive feedback about the Auburn Tigers in relation to their dominating victory over lame-duck Tennessee, I must point out that, in fact, you stopped short of picking Auburn.  It was not one of your five picks.  You weren’t even sure enough about it, before the fact, to actually pick them to win.  You couldn’t even positively state that they would beat Tenny.   You just ‘thought’ about using that one, ‘thought’ that you agreed with me, and ‘thought that they might’ roll over Tenny.  I am the one who picked Auburn to beat Tennessee as shown in my post.  Now stop taking credit for things that you didn’t do so I can quit wasting space in my posts pointing out how often you are either full of shit, or just plain wrong.  Thanks.

 

Let us now delve into the fact that the true point of the comment that inspired you to write this was to point out how wrong you have been about everything Auburn up until you got the balls to ‘think they might roll.’  Why no response to that?  We all know why, because there isn’t anything that you can say.  You already look like an idiot and are just trying to leave it out of conversation because it is so self-destructive to your credibility.  Here is that comment that I directed at Racer XYZ for those who don’t know what I am referring to:  “First, I would like to be a good sport and give Racer X the equivalent of a "good game." You won the pick 'em contest between you and I, so you have that. I have already complimented the Alabama pick as I did not have the balls to take them myself.  Second, to the prenamed 'other reader,' of course I welcome the challenge. I realize that I lost our pick 'em contest but after re-reading our respective posts, I can't help but feel like a winner:) I lost the contest by one game, but pretty much destroyed you in the battle of wits. But it doesn't really matter what I think, that is up to the readers, right? Not to mention, I got a small amount of vindication on my part as the Auburn Tigers continue to do what I said that they would do, which, strangely enough, is the statement that brought me and "the other reader" together. I am STILL not saying that Auburn is anything that they are not, but Auburn is no push over. Actually, I believe that I predicted an 8 win season for the Tigers. That comment coupled with some compliments for our, then untested coaching staff, are the points that Racer X has made his entire Joker Report existence about, at least up until this week when he has decided to stop talking about them. I never said that we were going to compete for a NC, I just said that we had some athletes, a good coaching staff, and I predicted an 8 win season. If you want the actual quotes, it can be tracked on this site. We still have to win 3 to make all of my predictions come true, but as of right now, who is looking like the idiot? Not AuJclayton.  Looking forward to it guy. If we aren't going to battle about Auburn this week, then what are we going to battle about? Scratch that, I am sure we won't have any trouble finding un-common ground.” – Yours truly 

I can’t say that I blame you for leaving that topic alone this week as most people change the subject when they are making a fool of themselves.  But you have managed to convince yourself otherwise- see quote of the day.  How is the weather in La-la Land?  Is it La-La Lagrande?   Bonita?  What…

Here is my entire self-defense to my competitor’s latest insults, and it is not going to be long winded for a change.  When I am reading your posts, Racer X, you sound progressively more pitiful.  You are not lacking in energy and enthusiasm, you just seem to be lacking in creativity.  You called me a vag plus some wordplay.  Wow.  How long did you have to sit in front of the drawing board to come up with that funky-fresh cut-down?   You initially were successful in getting under my skin, which was the only reason that I ever responded with such ferocity.  But now I view you like that dumb fat kid in elementary school that could never come up with a good come back.   I always ended up feeling sorry for that kid in school and laughing at Chris Farley.  You are like a mixture of the two.  Come with something good or quit trying all together.  As I previously stated, I am getting tired of spending half of my post correcting your mistakes so chikity-check yourself.  Once upon a time, and by that I mean your first comment, you seemed like you might be a challenge.  Now, your stock is falling quicker than that of Bobby Bowden’s. 

Finally, it is time for my picks!  After my results from last week, I can understand if no one is sitting on the edge of their chair as they read this…..not to be too self-deprecatingJ.  This week’s units will be Limas for my new girl, Adriana Lima.  Wow folks.  How have I missed this Victoria’s Secret wonder up to this point?  And she is apparently the ”World’s Most Voluptuous Virgin!”   Yes sir, I do believe that is what it is all about.  To the picks….

 

Georgia v Tennessee -1* The battle of the two worst QBs to play for big time schools in the SEC.  I have watched both teams play a few games now and I believe that UGA is a better overall team, but  it is not by a large margin.  They have better skill players and I think Cox is a little better, in that he has AJ to throw to, than Crompton.  I also believe that Richt is a better coach than Kiffin.  UGA wins outright.  2 Limas

Florida International-3 v Western Kentucky* Another intriguing matchup as two winless teams battle it out  to see who stays winless and who notches win numero uno.  Western KY got beat worse by Tenny than FIU got beat by Bama and that is plenty for me even though one coach was content to win and the other tried to run up the score.  How many TD passes would Crompton have w/o that game I wonder?   I think that FIU gets that first win and by more than 3. 4 Limas

Alabama -6 v Mississippi*  If Bama doesn’t have an absolute breakdown, regardless of Nutt, I don’t see how they can’t beat Ole Miss by at least a TD.  Of course, leave it to me to finally bet on Bama the one week they don’t cover.  1 Lima

Duke +15.5 v North Carolina State* I haven’t seen anything from NC State to lead me to believe that they can beat Duke worse than Va Tech.  I will take Duke plus the points.  3 Limas

West Virginia -10 v Syracuse* I have to admit, it is hard not to pull for Paulus and the Orangemen a little, hell, he probably should have been playing football the whole time.  Alas, it is not enough, even at home, to offset the offense of WV.  WV covers.  I tried to stay away from double digit lines as they killed me last week, but I am sure the football gods will teach me a different lesson in humility this week.  1 Lima

- AUJclayton

Gauntlet - Part Two (Racer X)

First of all, Racer X literally wanted a picture of Susan Boyle.  Maybe if this site was written in braille, I'd think about it.  I don't care if it's a joke, we only use dime pieces on this site, asshat.  Speaking of, since all the top Victoria's Secret models are all pregnant with money child, they had to find a new cover girl.  Say hello to Jessica Hart, because if you can't tell, she's saying hello to you.

Disclaimer - Pay attention fuckwads.  I will put this atop every guest writer's article in the hopes that you will truly understand that the words being said in the following article are NOT my words, even though some may end up being true. So if you have a problem with anything being said or any grammatical mistakes or spelling errors, direct it toward him/her, not me, or I will bring the Joker wrath.  And you and I both know you don't want that.  And if you do, as Hank the Dwarf so eloquently quipped..."Your mutha."

You won the battle of wits?  On what planet?  Last I checked, I picked Auburn to beat Tennessee.  Last I checked, they did beat Tennessee.  I also beat you on the picks, so for Week 1, the "battle of wits", as well as bragging rights, belong right here in X-Land.  I guess you could say, "X marks the spot".  One might say that I'm X-static about my victory.  I sure made an X-ample of you, didn't I?  X-celling at picks is my bag, baby.  Yeah!  
 
Did I hurt your wittle feewings by referring to you as "the other reader"?  I thought you were a guy, but from the way you argue and the way you get offended by a total non-comment, I am starting to think you might have a vaj, or I guess that would be a vAUJina. 
 
Moving on, I don't have anything to complain about right now.  We all know Notre Dame is lucky.  We all know the SEC referees screwed UGA with that abso-frickin-lutely horrible celebration call.  (Matt Caddell feels your pain, A.J.) 
 
Speaking of flags, why don't the refs throw a flag on Jonathan Crompton and Landry Jones for those horrible mustaches?  At least grow a cool one like Taylor Potts. 
 
For the life of me, I hope Tebow doesn't play this weekend. I think UF would win without him, but my head is going to explode if he plays and they win and I have to hear how courageous he is and how incredible it is that he could play and be so gutsy without having practiced for two weeks.  They might as well go ahead and give him his own book in the Bible.  
 
Here's a question for you, vAUJina:  Where are all the good teams this year?  Nobody has looked better than Alabama, who can sleepwalk through stretches of games and still cover the spread.  Texas is a one man show thus far and can be stopped.  Florida hasn't clicked yet. Les Miles must have pictures of Tebow and Jesus in compromising positions because I've never seen a luckier dumb coach in my life.  Cincinnati?  How good are they? College Gameday, live from Cincinnati-South Florida!  Boy, that's exciting.  Unless they are sitting right under our noses wearing crimson, I just don't see that bad ass team this year.  At least not yet. 
 
If we're not lucky, we're headed for Bama/Florida/Texas survivor vs. Ohio State again.  Oy! 
 
Anyway, random topics thrown out there if you want to bite on any of them.  On to my picks. 
 
Tweedys were nice last week, but for this week, I think we need to go with the exact opposite.  We're going with vAUJina's mother, Susan Boyle.  Joker, hit us with a pic of the lovely Mrs. AUJ.  (Editor's note---no.)  I gotta be honest, I feel like I'm taking some chances this week, but these are the games I want to pick, so I'm going with it.  I may throw up an 0-5, but at least that will give vAUJina a chance to catch up. 
 
5 Boyles Alabama -6.5 @ Ole Miss
I think Alabama is the best team in the country.  I think Ole Miss is overrated.  I think Alabama has looked a little sluggish on O the last couple of weeks.  I think Alabama is due to look good on O again.  I think a week to adjust to life after Hightower will help.  The media keeps touting how close the recent UA-OM games have been and how Ole Miss is due to break through against Alabama.  Well, I think the opposite. I think it's time for Bama to win going away.  Sorry, Jevan.  You just don't get right against a Nick Saban defense.  Factor in how he will be all over the D this week because he was not happy with the performance in Lexington.  I don't care if OM has a loss, this is a big game and I will take Saban, Arenas, McClain, Ingram, McElroy, Holla McGee and Mr. "Forgot About Me, Didn't You?" Jones. 
 
4 Boyles Georgia +1.5 @ Tennessee
This one screams sucker bet, so call me Tootsie Pop because I'm all over UGA.  Did you guys see Crompton?  Did you see the WR who just got kicked off the team because he yelled at his coach?  Have you read the articles about how the O and D are starting to divide in Knoxville?  UT's season is on the line.  Lose this and it's going to be a long(er) season.  Toss in that UGA is coming off of a heartbreaking loss and it's going to be hard for them to get up for the second week in a row.  I don't care. UT's O is not good.  Logically, UT could win this, but UGA is going to step up and thump somebody soon. Might as well be this weekend.  Just be sure to give my best to Mrs. Kiffin while you're up there.   
 
 
3 Boyles: Arkansas +3 vs. Auburn
I'm not going to talk about Auburn.  I'll keep my word.  I do have to make my picks, though.  I thought Arkansas would beat Auburn last year and they did.  I have had Arkansas pegged to beat Auburn all year.  This is the test that AU's defense has been waiting for.  They've already given up a lot of yards, but have been able to make timely plays to stop the opposition.  AU's pass rush has not been that good, so they are going to have to send the house to get to Mallett, OR they are going to have to sit back and hope he throws it to them.  Either way, I think Arkansas will be able to make some plays.  I expect a lot of points, but I think this is AU's week to get the L.  Plus, you know this one means a little som'n extra for Petrino. 
 
2 Boyles Houston -2.5 vs. Mississippi State
I like Houston better and I want to see them bounce back.  If I'm wrong, I'm wrong.  Call this one a hunch, as I want to say that MSU is not that good, but they have played well against LSU and Georgia Tech.  They may not be as bad as I think they are, but I think they lose again.
 
1 Boyle Georgia Tech +2.5 @ Florida State
I just don't think the players at FSU will win one for their embattled Gipper.  GT is an efficient machine.  Lessons learned from losing to Miami.  FSU's D will give them some trouble, but in the end, the Tech machine puts another nail in Bowden's coffin. 
 

Anyway, there you go, boys.  Feel free to lambaste the picks. 

~Racer X