The Joker Report

Week 11 Roundup

This girl just ain't ugly...

The big Walter and I tied in Pick 'Em this week, so we both agreed to keep up the ads for each other's sites instead of not at all.  I thought my luck was going to run out this week, but I still managed to go 6-4.  Altogether, since I started picking the top ten games I wanted, the list looks like this:

5 Kates: 3-1
4 Kates: 8-2
3 Kates: 7-2
2 Kates: 2-3
1 Kates: 1-1

The above stats, had I put any of that into play, equals some damn good money.  Considering I need money right about now, I will forewarn you that next week I will be putting money on my games, so if you've been banking on me the last three weeks, a) you're an idiot, b) you're rich, and c) hedge every bet against me in Week 12.

The following is the updated Top 25.  I'll comment on it later.  Maybe.

AP Top 25

1. LSU (40) 9-1 1,590

2. Oregon (22) 8-1 1,574

3. Oklahoma (1) 9-1 1,471

4. Kansas (1) 10-0 1,439

5. West Virginia (1) 8-1 1,340

6. Missouri 9-1 1,336

7. Ohio State 10-1 1,184

8. Georgia 8-2 1,130

9. Arizona State 9-1 1,122

10. Virginia Tech 8-2 1,013

11. USC 8-2 924

12. Texas 9-2 859

13. Hawaii 9-0 827

14. Florida 7-3 814

15. Clemson 8-2 613

16. Virginia 9-2 539

17. Boise State 9-1 533

18. Boston College 8-2 527

19. Tennessee 7-3 488

20. Illinois 8-3 390

21. Cincinnati 8-2 305

22. Kentucky 7-3 283

23. Michigan 8-3 237

24. Wisconsin 8-3 182

25. Connecticut 8-2 127

Week 10 Roundup

I need boobies after the stinging loss last night.  Kim Smith's will do just fine.

Here is the updated AP Top 25 Poll, and I'll update it, oh, whenever I feel like it:

AP Top 25

1. Ohio State (60) 10-0 1,616

2. LSU (5) 8-1 1,523

3. Oregon 8-1 1,517

4. Oklahoma 8-1 1,421

5. Kansas 9-0 1,329

6. West Virginia 7-1 1,327

7. Missouri 8-1 1,260

8. Boston College 8-1 1,051

9. Arizona State 8-1 1,042

10. Georgia 7-2 1,021

11. Virginia Tech 7-2 923

12. USC 7-2 817

13. Michigan 8-2 783

14. Hawaii 8-0 776

15. Texas 8-2 735

16. Connecticut 8-1 665

17. Florida 6-3 623

18. Auburn 7-3 611

19. Boise State 8-1 372

20. Clemson 7-2 340

21. Alabama 6-3 335

22. Tennessee 6-3 245

23. Virginia 8-2 212

24. California 6-3 127

25. Kentucky 6-3 127

Week 9 Roundup

Good lazy Sunday afternoon to you gents and ladies.  First and foremost, I actually did quite well in my weekly Pick 'Em, racking up a nice bevy of Beckinsales:

5 Kate Beckinsale units - 1-0
4 Kate Beckinsale units - 3-1
3 Kate Beckinsale units - 3-1
2 Kate Beckinsale units - 0-1
1 Kate Beckinsale units - 0-0

I gave myself a win on a push, but I'll let Walter be the judge of that.  I'm either 7-3 or 6-3-1...regardless, I had the upper hand this week and Mr. Cherepinsky has to add a text ad for the Joker Report on his site until next week's Pick 'Em winner has been declared.  Wanna know why I won, besides being able to pick my own games?  I didn't place any money on any games.  That's how it works, folks.  Had I bet on them, I'd be 3-7.

On to other news.  Here is the new AP Top 25 after a pretty calm week...well, calm by this year's standards.  I'll update it, oh, whenever I feel like it.

1. Ohio State (59) 9-0 1,615 - Host a Wisconsin team that made a statement against an explosive Indiana team that they're not ready to give up on their season.

2. Boston College (1) 8-0 1,501 - Survived Virginia Tech, host a struggling Florida State next week.

3. LSU (3) 7-1 1,478 - Captain Asshat and the original ragin' Cajuns come to Tuscaloosa to try and clear up the SEC West.

4. Oregon 7-1 1,417 - Should be undefeated, and after beating the mighty USC Trojans, they host Arizona State next.  The Sun Devils are playing their asses off for a cool coach, and did I mention they're undefeated.  Should be an awesome game.

5. Oklahoma 7-1 1,365 - Next up, hosting Texas A&M.  Stoops, beat Franchione's ass, please.

6. Arizona State (2) 8-0 1,310 - Coach Erickson has his players believing, and their biggest test welcomes the high-flying Oregon Ducks to Tempe in what has the feel of an early Pac 10 Championship.

7. West Virginia 7-1 1,286 - Maybe it's just me, but as badass as WVU is, they've been quietly climbing the ladder after losing to an overachieving USF Bulls squad.  They have two weeks to prepare for the visiting Louisville Cardinals.  All I can say is, TAKE THE OVER.

8. Kansas 8-0 1,164 - Mark "You gonna eat that?" Mangino has corralled his dark horse troops into believing in the system, and their perfect record should remain intact next week when they host Nebraska.  I repeat should.

9. Missouri 7-1 1,121 - The Tigers travel to Boulder next week to face the dangerous Colorado Buffaloes, who slayed Oklahoma earlier in the year and defeated a tough Texas Tech team last week.  Not an easy road "gimme" for Chase Daniel.

10. Georgia 6-2 949 - If you recall in my last Roundup, I mentioned anything can happen in the World's Largest Cocktail Party game, and indeed that's what transpired.  Knowshon Moreno ran all over the Gators' shoddy defense, and even "Superman" Tebow couldn't snatch victory from the Dawgs.  Next week they host a tough Troy Trojans team cruising on a 6 game winning streak---these guys are no slouch, beating a good Oklahoma State team early in the season.

11. Virginia Tech 6-2 823 - The Hokies should have won their Thursday night game at home, MetallicA's Enter Sandman cranking through the speakers, holding a 10-0 lead with 4 minutes left in the entire game...but alas, they folded like Philip Fulmer's lawn chairs.  They still play great defense, but their offense has to get something going if they're to get back on track in Atlanta, facing a stingy Georgia Tech team.

12. Hawaii 8-0 776 - I hear it's beautiful there.

13. USC 6-2 742 - Is the Empire crumbling?  Is this John David Booty's team or Mark Sanchez's?  Will Joe McKnight second-guess his school of choice and come join Nick Saban at Alabama?  Is that last sentence poppycock, but some readers will still google it just to see if I'm kidding or not?  Do you know what a rhetorical question is?  Next opponent---Oregon State.  That means Booty and Beavers with safe Trojans all over, my friends.  Enjoy the orgy.

14. Texas 7-2 728 - Mack Brown may also be losing his stronghold in the nation's biggest bevy of talent, the state of Texas, after struggling against a downtrodden (and rightly so because of a punkass coach) Cornhusker group of guys just trying to make it through the year without further embarrassment.  But no, they decided to watch Jamaal Charles take over the 4th quarter, letting him run wild for 216 yards, keeping the Longhorns in the running for the Big 12 Championship.  They travel to Stillwater next week to take on the Cowboys.

15. Michigan 7-2 726 - They keep winning, they keep covering, and they are tiptoeing ever so quietly to a huge face-off with the Buckeyes once again.  But first they must travel to East Lansing to take on the Spartans, who lost in an overtime non-thriller to Iowa.

16. Connecticut 7-1 555 - You serious, Clark?  Frickin UConn is #16 and we're talking about football?    Let's all hope the mighty Rutgers Ray Ricers give them a beatdown so we don't have to worry about some redheaded stepteam mucking up the system.

17. Alabama 6-2 547 - As the Walrus in Alice in Wonderland stated, "The time has come!"  The LSU Corndogs travel by plane, car, truck, swamp boat, and bare feet to the beautiful campus of Alabama and will probably stink up the joint.  They'll be full of piss and vinegar, beer and liquor, and redneck bigotry, and I have a feeling this won't be a pretty game, on or off the field.  They'll be adorned with houndstooth hats---though with their own flair, putting purple and yellow feathers in their hats and calling it macaroni.  Some fans are taking offense, assuming it's disrespectful to Bear Bryant.  I, however, would enjoy seeing tons of houndstooth hats in Bryant-Denny.  Especially since, by the third quarter, they'll all be ripe for the taking cuz the owners will be passed out from all the moonshine and hooch they had on the trip over.  The LSU faithful hate/loathe/despise Nick Saban...which is odd, considering he brought them back to prominence with a National Championship.  And rumors abound that certain extracurricular activities may have happened in a Baton Rouge bar involving some Tiger players.  In the coming days I'll have an update on what this all means and the impact it may have next Saturday afternoon.

18. Florida 5-3 532 - No need to talk about the other teams, it's BAMA/LSU week, bitches.  Vs Vandy.

19. Auburn 6-3 530 - Vs the mighty Tennessee Tech Shop Class Mechanics

20. South Florida 6-2 392 - Vs Cincinnati

21. Wake Forest 6-2 259 - Vs San Jose State

21. Boise State 7-1 259 - At Virginia

23. South Carolina 6-3 196 - At Arkansas

24. Tennessee 5-3 165 - Vs Louisiana-Lafayette Middle School Sous Chefs

25. Clemson 6-2 146 - At Duke

Week 8 Roundup

HA HA HA!!  Awesome.  Had you used some soap, maybe you would've beaten Vanderbilt... So I sucked balls like Kyle Broflovski this weekend in the weekly Pick Em, but I seriously doubt anyone nailed a good percentage of a Top 25 Pick Em.  So it got me thinking, why the hell am I doing the Top 25 Pick Em when I should just stick to a Top Ten that I actually have good feelings about, regardless of rank?  Hey, it's my party and I'll cry if I want to, so the change shall be made.  Here's the new Top 25, AP style: 1. Ohio State (57) 8-0 1,612 - Barely fended off Michigan State in the end; Not receiving much respect as #1; We'll see how they fare in Happy Valley next weekend.

2. Boston College (2) 7-0 1,494 - The Golden Eagles just chilled this weekend, watching yet another mix-up in the Top 10.  Next up they crack heads with the Hokies in Blacksburg.

3. LSU (5) 7-1 1,479 - What a friggin game, eh hoser?  I gotta admit, every time the Tigers Squared tumble against each other, it's a great game.  I 'bout shit my pants when LSU's WR, can't remember who, caught the ball and flipped it over his head like a tard's version of the Hook and Ladder, right into Jerraud Powers' hands.  Immediately, being a Bama fan, I thought okay, come the fuck on, how do they ALWAYS manage to get plays like this in their favor?, but lo and behold if Captain Asshat doesn't throw the ball up for grabs knowing a timeout and field goal is just fine.  Boom goes the dynamite, kids.  Les Miles may have a fivehead, but his balls are just as big.  Great game.  'Twill make the upcoming Bama game with them all the more exciting in two weeks.

4. Oklahoma 7-1 1,421 - Thanks for absolutely bombing against a terrible team, guys.  I didn't need you to cover 30 against Iowa State or anything, much less that $100, especially considering the salary I'm throwing down these days.  Damn Walter over at Walter Football for being right.  Oh, I think I'm supposed to say he's the best bettor in the history of bettors now since LSU didn't cover the spread.  But he thought AU was gonna win and I didn't, so suck on that.

5. Oregon 6-1 1,355 - Jake Locker did an admirable job of keeping the Huskies within striking distance, but in the 4th quarter the Ducks ran away with the spoon.  Oregon just continues to impress me with the offense they put up each game, and now a preseason Heisman name, Jonathan Stewart, has emerged as a viable threat, racking up 231 yards rushing and 2 TDs.

6. West Virginia 6-1 1,228 - So the oddsmakers had the Mississippi State spread about right, but I still think the Mountaineers came away a little impressed with a lower tier SEC team that stuck in there till the end.  WVU just has too much quickness, speed, and options on offense and special teams for them not to be a BCS contender.

7. Arizona State (1) 7-0 1,156 - Another team on a bye, and the only remaining undefeated Pac 10 team, they're preparing for the California Bears next Saturday.

8. Virginia Tech 6-1 1,111 - Didn't play, but will face Boston College at home on Thursday with both teams having an extra week to prepare.  What's the betting rule most folks go by, take the live dog at home on an isolated game night like Thursday or Friday?  We'll see if it works...

9. USC 6-1 1,107 - Ha!  They finally covered the spread, meaning the ex girlfriend came back and did that thing with her tongue.  I knew not to kick her out of my life forever!  Wow, with all the struggles USC has had with Washington, Stanford, and Arizona, what does that tell you about the quality of life happening in South Bend?  Yeesh.

9. Florida 5-2 1,107 - Tim Tebow, what can you do?  Like I said earlier in the week, I'm glad we don't play Florida this year.  They take on Georgia next, which probably means nobody knows what the hell is gonna happen.

11. South Florida 6-1 980 - They gave it the old college try (snicker), but Ray Rice proved too much for the Bulls.  A lot of people felt that Rutgers would pull it off, but it's not like it was a blowout.  A couple of tough battles remain on the schedule, and I'm not so sure they'll come away with all victories.

12. Kansas 7-0 960 - The Buffaloes did all they could but Kansas held them off to remain undefeated on the season.  Next week they go knocking on Coach Franchione's door.  I wonder who I'll be pulling for...

13. Missouri 6-1 925 - Wow.  For once it wasn't the Chase Daniel show, but Mizzou destroyed Texas Tech and proved, at least to me, they're no fluke.  Sure Graham Harrell chunked it for 397 yards, but they picked him off four times---one more than he's had all season---and they put Michael Crabtree and his Heisman hopes in their back pocket, limiting him to a mere 76 yards and no TDs.  That's impressive, kids.  Crappy Iowa State is next, and I promise you one thing---I'm not betting on it.

14. Kentucky 6-2 719 - The Wildcats have more fire than I give them credit for, as they battled a formidable Gator team with Mister Christian Oh His Time Has Come running and passing it all over the SEC.  They couldn't hold off the talented Gators, losing 45-37, even though Coach Brooks bitched about oddsmakers making them a 7 point dog.  Sometimes ya just need to keep your mouth closed.

15. South Carolina 6-2 649 - Can you say trap game?  We beat Vandy, and USCe lost to Vandy, but Georgia beat Vandy and Bama, but USCe beat Georgia...yep, that's how the SEC is this year.  You just don't know who is going to win, even with "easy" calls.  The Gamecocks look to regroup against a shattered and humbled and downtrodden and bitchslapped Tennessee team.

16. Hawaii 7-0 573 - Who cares.  God, I swear, Hawaii is like that neighbor kid when you were little who would ALWAYS show up right when you were about to do something fun, knowing you had to include him or your mom would take away your Nintendo privileges.  Ugh, just go away already, we're going to ignore you anyway.

17. Texas 5-2 497 - It took the Longhorns a while to finally pull away from Baylor, which means surely they'll get it all right when facing Nebraska...right?  This might be the game to throw a wrench in the whole Callahan drama, keeping him around for longer than he should stay...oooor it might not, considering Callahan's classiness has been quoted as saying that Tom Osbourne is a "crusty old (expletive)".  Man, I sure do love all those classy, quality coaches in the Big 12.  I say Coach Fran and Coach Callahan face off in the ring to determine who gets to live, and when a winner is declared, throw a pissed off possum in the ring to finish up.  I'd pay.

18. California 5-2 444 - Lost to UCLA?  For real?  You better do more than throw to Desean Jackson to take down the Sun Devils next week.  They're firing on all cylinders in route to a toss up Pac 10 championship.  I can't blame them if they were looking ahead...maybe that will help them knock off ASU and get back into the picture.

19. Michigan 6-2 401 - They're slowly getting it done, slowly moving back into the Big 10 picture, and slowly forgetting that dreadful start to the season.  The next four games---Minnesota, at Michigan State, at Wisconsin, and Ohio State at home---are all winnable.  Can they pull it off and surprise everyone but themselves?  Probably.  I've yet to look at true freshman and much hyped recruit Donovan Warren, but I DVR'd the game and look forward to it.

20. Georgia 5-2 394 - Had a week to rest and get ready for Florida.  Don't count Georgia out of this one, although Florida has OWNED them in this series since 1990, winning 15 of 17!  One would think that Florida this and Florida that, but go ahead and look over the carnage in the SEC East; they ALL have two losses or more.  Anything can happen here.

21. Virginia 7-1 315 - Ready for this?  The Cavaliers have won their last three games by a TOTAL of FOUR POINTS.  As Big Boi said, "go on and marinate on that for a minute."  What a craptastic schedule they have, and their only loss was against the mighty Wyoming Cowboys??  Damn these polls.

22. Alabama 6-2 263 - Sweet.  Back in the Top 25.  Oh snap, swisher sweet---ahead of Auburn!  After beating up on Tennessee like that, I think we deserve this spot, sure.  We're right behind LSU in the SEC West, and guess who we play next?  But that's in two weeks...what the hell am I supposed to do next weekend...

23. Auburn 5-3 248 - ...watch Auburn play Ole Miss or something?  Well, I've got one word of advice, Tigers.  Stop the run so you can cherry pick the tossups Seth Adams willingly throws.  Arky did it this weekend and picked him off four times; and hell, maybe one of their receivers will toss one over his shoulder to you again, you never know.  Just be sure to cover the back of the end zone at the end of the game.

24. Penn State 6-2 209 - This is Walter's team, and frankly, who cares.  They lost to both teams in this weekend's Michigan/Illinois battle, and next the #1 Buckeyes roll into town.  I'm starting to lean towards Coach Sweater Vest, cuz I think he purposely called in the game at MSU to preserve his players and some plays.  Although honestly, I wouldn't mind if the Nittany Lions dethroned the beans so things get even cloudier at the top.  We shall see.

25. Rutgers 5-2 174 - The Scarlet Knights took down the #2 USF Bulls Thursday night as they try to keep their Big East hopes alive against a deadly WVU attack next Saturday at home.  Not an easy task, especially with WVU playing well as of late.  If they pull off the upset, they have a good chance of running the table. Like I said before, a new Pick Em format will be coming next week.  One in which I can hopefully reach that 90% plateau that will be my nemesis for life otherwise.  Kinda like McFlurries at McDonalds...I can't stop eating those!  And now they say the machine's broken?  Poppycock, I say.  Anywho, viva la Tide, enjoy next weekend off, and let's home you come out blazing so we can make a run at the SEC title...with Coach Shula's players, no less.  'Til then, my friends.

Week 7 Roundup

The mascot of the #1 team---those are the intimidating buckeyes, folks.  USA Today Poll

1. Ohio State (56) 7-0 1,495 - Don't look now, but the Buckeyes are back at the top.  They've quietly beat up on opponents all year, allowing less than a touchdown each game.  Their Big Ten run starts next week against Michigan State, so we'll see if they can hold on to #1.

2. Boston College (1) 7-0 1,383 - It's so odd seeing Boston College as the number two best team in all the land.  Are they really that good?  Holding off Notre Dame isn't quite the statement, but they sure can make one next week by toppling the newly-refreshed Virginia Tech.

3. South Florida (3) 6-0 1,320 - Matt Grothe has probably thrown his name in the Heisman race now, garnering 212 yards in the air and 100 on the ground, totaling 4 TDs in the process.  This kid is no joke, but seeing Mike Ford with only EIGHT carries IS A JOKE.  What the hell, Jim?  Unleash the beast already!

4. Oklahoma 6-1 1,288 - The Sooners took down Chase Daniel and the mighty Mizzou, and now they can look forward to reeling off the next three in the hopes that someone ahead of them falters.  Nic Harris is making a bid to become my Joker of the Year at the safety position, although I doubt he can dethrone #1 down in Coral Gables.

5. LSU 6-1 1,173 - Wow, they dropped all the way to fifth. *sarcasm*

6. Oregon 5-1 1,077 - The Ducks mean business.  They just beat the hell out of Wazu, 53-7, and Dennis Dixon is eyeing the Pac 10 title now that California and USC have both tumbled down the charts.

7. West Virginia 5-1 1,007 - The Mountaineers quietly moved up to 7th in their off week, and as their only loss has come to the #3 team in the nation, they'll use their tricky option offense til the wheels fall off in attempts for a BCS bowl berth.

8. South Carolina 6-1 997 - Despite the loss of the Gamecocks' defensive leader Jasper Brinkley, Steve Spurrier has his team in position to win the SEC East.  If he can even get to the SEC Championship, consider the rest of the SEC scared, cuz Top 10 recruiting classes will be commonplace.

9. California 5-1 983 - Who'da thunk a beaver could beat a bear?  It's not a big loss considering everone in the Pac 10 has a loss now other than ASU, so it's still wide open.  What's funny is their cocky fans assuming they were going to walk all over Oregon State, chanting "We're #1!" after seeing LSU's loss on the scoreboard.  Instant karma's a bitch, huh?  The Bears need to regroup--and stay humble--for UCLA next week.

9. USC 5-1 983 - Does anyone even buy their crap anymore?  They have it all over there: a former NFL coach, a campus in Los Angeles, a beach, all Hollywood's stars and support, five star recruits as far as the eye can see...and they squeak by Arizona?  Remember in the first few weeks thinking about what a laugher the game against Notre Dame will be?  "Not so fast, my friend..."

11. Virginia Tech 6-1 982 - Okay, so you beat Duke.  Congratulations, you made me look even more foolish than my upset pick.  Now let's see if you can hang with Matt Ryan and the Golden Eagles.  If so, I'll stop saying you're overrated.

12. Arizona State 7-0 936 - I'm starting to actually enjoy the Pac 10...what's wrong with me?  They're starting to show how competitive they can be, and I'm partial to Dennis Erickson.  I'm rooting for the Sun Devils to win out.

13. Kentucky 6-1 874 - Who the funk knew?  Who knew, other than Wildcat fans, that they would actually challenge LSU for the entire game---and THREE overtimes---and come out victorious?!  Call me surprised and impressed.  Kentucky showed the world they are more than just Andre Woodson.

14. Florida 4-2 726 - Alabama and Florida both have two losses.  Amazing how the similarity ends there.  The most dangerous two-loss team in the country is still eyeing their second straight SEC Championship behind the mighty Tebow.  Up next, Andre Woodson and company.  Should be an awesome game, provided the 'Cats have anything left in the tank.

15. Kansas 6-0 705 - How impressive are the Jayhawks?  Other than the K State victory, they're not really.  They haven't played anybody worth a damn, but the Big 12 opponents loom near.  Colorado upset Oklahoma, let's see how they fare with Kansas.

16. Hawaii 7-0 558 - Who cares.  Do your little gay dance and beat up on high school teams.

17. Missouri 5-1 519 - Chase Daniel tried his damndest, throwing for 361 yards, but the Sooners took him down.  With the way this season is going, this one loss probably doesn't hurt much.  They look to regain momentum against Crabtree Tech.  Can you say shootout?  Take the over.

18. Texas 5-2 396 - Not the dominant Longhorns anymore without Vinsanity, as you can no longer say it's a gimme win with Texas.  The next two games should be wins, however.  I think, along with most everyone else, this is Oklahoma's year.

19. Auburn 5-2 372 - For some reason, I can predict my arch rival's outcomes better than my own team.  They're just a better team versus a one-sided offense, and they shut down the awesome two-pronged Hawg attack of McFadden and Jones to only 85 total yards.  Quite impressive, Tigers.  Unfortunately your next opponent is a bunch of pissed off Cajuns.  In their house.  At night.  On ESPN.  Where everyone can see what happens...

20. Georgia 5-2 282 - Way to barely beat Vandy, Dawgs!  And way to stomp around on their logo after the win like a bunch of thug idiots.  I thought Richt runs a classy organization over there?  Georgia has an off week to prepare for the Gators on the 27th.

21. Texas Tech 6-1 232 - I'm just so happy.  Michael Crabtree (have I told y'all about him yet?) had another stellar outing, catching another 8 balls for 170 yards.  The Aggies kept him out of the end zone, but hey, he's allowed to have an "off" game.  I don't know about you, but I wouldn't want to play these guys.  Graham Harrell went for another 425 yards passing and 3 paydirts.  Yikes.  Oh yeah, and PISS OFF Coach Fran.

22. Tennessee 4-2 193 - Volunteers beat the State Bulldogs.  Next up, Bryant-Denny Stadium with loud, obnoxious fans who hate everything about y'all.  Good luck game-planning on our starting running back, cuz we don't even know who the hell it'll be.  I vote for Upchurch.

23. Cincinnati 6-1 192 - It was just your time, guys.  I called it, I feel special, but then I'm reminded of the whole Duke thing.  After y'all beat up on Pittsburgh, get ready for a showdown with the #3 USF Bulls...and that Mike Ford guy...

24. Virginia 6-1 184 - Where the h-e-double hockey sticks did Virginia come from?  Apparently they caught us being cavalier about their season (snicker).  I'll be honest, I don't even know one guy on their team off the top of my head.  Next week Maryland should let the public know how to respond to your Top 25 re-emergence...and who the hell plays for y'all.

25. Penn State 5-2 128 - Well the Nittany Lions beat the crap out of the overrated Wisconsin Badgers, and with that they kick my lousy prediction of Wiscy winning the Big Ten right out the window.  Next stop, Indiana and a very dangerous quarterback in Kellen Lewis.  I should know, he's on my fantasy team.  2000+ total yards and 20 total touchdowns is nothing to laugh at.

Week 6 Roundup

USC lost to this. (giggle)

Coaches Poll after week six now looks like this:

1. LSU (58) 6-0 1,498 -  They pulled it off.  Now everyone can agree they are the best team in the nation after USC was toppled.

2. California 5-0 1,416 - Cal sure is a quiet #2 ranked team.  Their offense is explosive (Longshore/Jackson/Forsett) and they get it done every week.

3. Ohio State (2) 6-0 1,399 - No more Troy Smith, Antonio Pittman, Ted Ginn Jr, or Anthony Gonzalez...and somehow they are still undefeated.  Props to Jim Tressel for making the transition painless for Buckeye fans.

4. Boston College 6-0 1,283 - BC seems to be clicking, as their defense had more interceptions (5) than Matt Ryan had touchdowns (4).  You better start throwing Matt Ryan's name in the Heisman hat.

5. Oklahoma 5-1 1,145 - I thought the Sooners were going to run roughshod all over Texas, but I'm assuming Okie fans will take the win just the same.  Watch for them to still be in the mix for the BCS championship once the season starts to wane.

5. South Florida 5-0 1,145 - Though they are the only school in Florida with no loss, they sure showed a weakness by allowing FAU to score 23 points on them.  That's unacceptable once they get into the meat of their schedule with Rutgers, Cincinnati, and Louisville.  Oh, one more thing, GIVE THE DAMN BALL TO MIKE FORD.  No carries?  Maybe he's injured or smoked weed or something, I don't know.

7. USC 4-1 1,000 - Ha ha ha.  Awesome.  Tecmo Super Bowl Chicago Bears QB Jim Harbaugh is the only coach to beat the mighty Trojans at home since I believe 2001.  That's incredible.  What's even more incredible is he did it with Stanford players.  Wow.  He may talk out his ass a little too often, but I'm sure Cardinal fans don't care anymore.  Pete Carroll, with all that talent, couldn't beat little ol' Stanford.  Helluva reality check down in L.A.

8. Oregon 4-1 936 - If it hadn't been for one mistake, the Ducks could be the #2 team in the land.  Who knows, maybe they actually are.

9. West Virginia 5-1 931 - Pat White is getting beat up this year, but apparently that doesn't matter.  Backup QB Jarrett Brown filled in nicely, going 5-5 for 85 yards and even scoring a TD on the ground.  But then again, that fat neighbor down the street with the weird eye could score on Syracuse.

10. Virginia Tech 5-1 913 - VT really surprised me this week.  Either they manned-up, pulled up their pants and beat up on Clemson, or the Tigers really have some work to do after two letdown games back to back.  Six rushing attempts each for Davis and Spiller?  I'm not quite understanding Leavitt not using Ford, Bowden not KILLING folks with a deadly duo, and Nick Saban just refuses to let Terry Grant break out.  I think football coaches need to stop being so analytical, keep it simple, and let the playmakers they worked so hard to recruit earn their spot on the team.  As for Va Tech, I'm not buying what they have just yet, as I don't feel they're the 10th best team in the country.

11. Missouri 5-0 897 - Look at this stat line:  33 of 47 for 401 yards, 11 carries for 72 yards, and 4 total touchdowns.  Chase Daniel is legit...the blackshirts however, are not.

12. South Carolina 5-1 823 - You either love Steve Spurrier or you hate him.  And I dig the old man, but his team is not as good as they are playing.  Hell, he can't even make up his mind on whether to play Blake Mitchell or Chris Smelley.  They'll probably put up two more wins in their next couple games, so we'll have to wait for the Tennessee game to see if they're legit or not.

13. Arizona State 6-0 763 - Great offense, sketchy defense.  That could spell trouble for Erickson and company soon; they squeaked by Wazu this weekend, but #2 Cal Bears come to town in two weeks.  They have a bye week to prepare...should be a great game.

14. Florida 4-2 714 - Urban Meyer doesn't like losing.  "I don't know if I've ever done this, but I guarantee we'll be back," Meyer said defiantly. "The Florida Gators will be back. Smokin'."  I used to hate this guy, but I like his fire.  I'll just keep hating on Tim Tebow.  Best two-loss team I've ever seen though...

15. Wisconsin 5-1 689 - Everybody could feel this coming.  Illinois just made it a reality.  Now we'll see whether they fade down the stretch or hang tight to compete for the Big Ten title.

16. Hawaii 6-0 632 - Onward and upward for the Warriors.  Colt Brennan tried playing through an injured ankle, but was replaced by backup Tyler Graunke.  It really doesn't matter who plays with such a weakass schedule.

17. Cincinnati 6-0 578 - Three more interceptions for the most opportunistic defense in the country.  I felt like they had the means to put away the Scarlet Knights, and they made it happen.  Lot of parity in college football this year.

18. Kentucky 5-1 493 - Their dream had to come to an end sooner or later.  Unfortunately, they play in the SEC and it's not going to get any easier, especially since their next opponent is LSU.

19. Illinois 5-1 425 - Ron Zook is flipping off the world.  Apparently he knows how to recruit AND coach.

20. Kansas 5-0 390 - Called this one, too.  I just thought Kansas State wouldn't be prepared after an emotional win against Texas, and the Jayhawks pull off the upset.  Wow, so many teams are in the Top 25 that haven't been there for SO long.

21. Florida State 4-1 213 - The Seminoles have been getting it done this year, but a big test comes against the Demon Deacons of Wake Forest on Thursday.  I wouldn't mind them losing this game considering they're after some of the same prospects as Alabama is.  No offense, Nole fans :)

22. Texas 4-2 195 - Is this the beginning of an imminent decline in Austin?  It seems they simply can't win the big games without Vince Young.  If they keep it up, Texas prospects will start looking around the Big 12 a little more once signing day approaches.

23. Georgia 4-2 188 - Well, I hate to boast (lies), but I called this one as well.  It was clear when we played Georgia that they're not at their usual SEC East peak.  Tennessee exposed them and ended up blowing them out, 35-14.

24. Purdue 5-1 149 - As good as Curtis Painter is, he still plays for Purdue, and they never seem to get their foot in the door for the Big 10 championship.  We'll see what kind of mettle the Boilermakers have when they trip to the Big House against Michigan next Saturday.

25. Auburn 4-2 143 - The Tigers get back in the Top 25, and deservedly so.  They seem to have their wits about them now, and Brandon Cox is making less mistakes...well, he still throws picks, but not as many now.  Look out for the three-headed monster at tailback as the year goes on; each one of Lester, Fannin, and Tate could break out a 100 yard game, and the Tigers will need them to---the next two games are on the road to Arkansas and LSU.  Yikes. I went 8/15 in Pick 'Em, which isn't losing money but it isn't anything to write home to mama about.  I'll have to step it up next week.  'Til then, my friends.

Week 5 Roundup

Like my photoshopping skills?  Ha!

Drumroll for an incredibly wild college football weekend, please...thank you...and the new Coaches/USA Today Poll rankings are:

1. Southern California (45) 4-0
Washington gave them another scare, but for now they remain on top.
2. LSU (14) 5-0
Stumbled in the first half against Tulane, then brought the funk as expected.  Still the best team in the nation in my opinion (AP Poll has them #1).
3. California 5-0
Eeked, and I mean eeked out a win on the road against Oregon.  If Cameron Colvin decides to go out of bounds with 14 seconds left and let Dennis Dixon QB sneak, they win.  He wanted it all, his elbow got hit, and he fumbled it out of the end zone for a touchback.  Heartbreaking stuff.  Meanwhile DeSean Jackson came out of hibernation with 11 catches for 161 yards and 2 TDs.   
4. Ohio State(1) 5-0 
Starting to get a rhythm, and that Brian Robiskie cat is starting to emerge as a threat.
5. Wisconsin 5-0
These guys are hanging by a thread in seemingly every game.  One of these days that thread will snap, although I did pick them to win the Big Ten, so I won't mind if it stays intact. 
6. Boston College 5-0
Matt Ryan refuses to lose.   
7. Florida 4-1
Had a feeling Auburn would play them tough, and once again that darned snake oil salesman managed to beat another Top 10 opponent on the road.  He's got "mahbles", you gotta give it to him.
8. Kentucky 5-0
Woodson is on a mission.  He's finally got the no-interception streak off his chest after 325 completions, so now it's time to relax a little and keep picking teams apart in a great year for Wildcat fans.  Props to all their fans who have stuck with them through the bad times and the...other bad times.
9. South Florida 4-0
They are 9th in the nation and undefeated, taking down West Virginia and Auburn.  And their beast at running back, Mike Ford, is averaging less than 10 carries a game.  Give him a full load and watch out.
10. Oklahoma 4-1 
Ouchies.  This one has to hurt the Sooner faithful, as it really came out of nowhere.  This is one of those "if we had to do it again" games, but alas, they can't.  And Malcom Kelly, who could be the first WR taken in the draft, is held to no catches?  GLARING problem.
11. Georgia 4-1
Once again, kudos to Georgia, although they may be in a different spot on this poll if Ole Miss wasn't busy preserving Bulldog drives with stupid penalties.
12. West Virginia 4-1
USF exposed WVU's 1980's Jaguar offense:  looks awesome, runs like a dream, but if you really analyze it and give it a rough time, the bumper falls off and you'll start to see all the chincy parts, and before you know it it's broken down.  Although Tawny Kitaen will do the splits on those Jaguars for Whitesnake videos, so killer bonus there.
13. Oregon 4-1
Cue Hall and Oates: "Soo close, yet so far away."  Is the SEC or the Pac 10 the better conference?  We'll know as soon as they stop beating up on each other within the ranks.
14. Virginia Tech 4-1
I think a #14 ranking is very gracious for a Hokie team that is just trying to survive week in and week out.
15. Hawaii 5-0
No surprise here.  Hawaii has a cupcake schedule and Colt Brennan's on a mission, so barring any unforeseen mistakes, they should slowly climb this ladder until they play a team worth a damn.
16. Texas 4-1
To quote myself, " Colt McCoy ain't all that and KSU is better than most assume.  Kansas State would be undefeated if it wasn't for one stupid lapse of reason where they didn't bring the TE to double Quentin Groves of Auburn."  Meanwhile KSU takes it to the 'Horns as McCoy throws FOUR picks.  Don't sleep on the Wildcats.
17. Missouri 4-0
Chase Daniel gets his name in lights against Nebraska next week.  If the Cornhuskers don't pull it together, Mizzou could put it to 'em.
18. South Carolina 4-1
This is not your average Steve Spurrier team, it's your less-than-average Spurrier team, and yet he still has them on a roll.  With last year's 6th place finish nationally in recruiting, Steve-O could be brewing something special over in Columbia.
19. Arizona State 5-0
I know I'm not supposed to like Dennis Erickson, being a Bama fan, but I like his style.  Besides, we beat his cocky Canes for the '92 MNC, so why harbor old feelings?  He's got Rudy Carpenter, Ryan Torain, and Rudy Burgess all in rhythm to shake up the Pac 10. 
20. Purdue 5-0 
Curtis Painter, man.  I believe Joe Tiller said he's the best signal-caller he's had since Drew Brees.  High praise, and the results to back him so far.
21. Rutgers 3-1
If you're not a Big East fan, do you not automatically think "Ray Rice" when you see Rutgers, and absolutely nothing else?  Yeah, me too.
22. Clemson 4-1
Disappointing showing on Saturday, as the staunch Yellowjacket D held Davis, Spiller and Co. to a mere 3 points.  That's unacceptable with that firepower, Coach Bowden.
23. Nebraska 4-1
Nebraska is faltering, like a heavyweight fighter with a bad knee.  Missouri might be the underdog to put them on the mat.
24. Cincinnati 5-0
The Bearcats are playing some inspiring defense, and that's always a recipe for success.  They held SDSU to just 55 yards rushing, but something tells me that won't happen next week in Piscataway against the mighty Rutgers Ray Ricers.
25. UCLA 4-1
Turned a first half deficit into a blowout against Oregon State.  Next up, Notre Dame.  I'll just leave it at that.

Well guys, I suppose 10/22 in Pick 'Em isn't too terribly bad, but it's not great.  But this was a wild weekend in football, so I'm pretty sure most people lost some money this weekend.  Just too many upsets and surprises to predict.  I just hope the Tide can get back on track as the Houston Cougars visit Bryant-Denny.  We've got some analysis and gut-checks to workout this week (and we're now ranked 40th, btw).  Till then, my friends.